strmrdr
Super_Ideal_Rock
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My wife Linda has passed on...
- Thread starter Richard Sherwood
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Kaili
Brilliant_Rock
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LadyluvsLuxury
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mingagreen
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Shay37
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Richard Sherwood
Ideal_Rock
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You know, I'm going to take this opportunity to do some relationship counseling. I was married for 26 years and made all the mistakes you can possibly make, so I figure I'm in a position to state a few truths.
Our marriage was not all light and roses. There were several times where Linda and I were ready to divorce one another. In truth, I was ready to divorce her three years ago. I'd had it with her, was done and ready to leave.
Then I found out she had cancer, bad. I thought, "Shit, I can't leave her. She's really sick. Nobody else will take care of her like I can." So I decided to stick it out until she got better, or transitioned. I said to myself after that point I would pursue my own life and happiness.
Originally the doctors were talking like she had six months. Heh heh heh, they didn't know Linda... Tell her she's got six months and she's going to show you wrong. So six months turned into one year, then one year into two, and then two years into three.
During this time I found myself starting to love her again, despite myself. She became frailer and more delicate, needing my help and depending on me. I began to drop some of the walls I had built up emotionally and psychologically invested myself in her situation. I carried her to the bathroom, stretchered her to doctor after doctor, talked her out of periods of depression.
Next thing I know, we have fallen back in love. Despite the fact that she looked like a Nazi concentration camp victim, I loved her more than when she was young and beautiful.
Here's the thing I want to get across though. She and I both grieved over many aspects of this thing, but one of the things we grieved most over was having wasted so many years being angry and bitter with one another. We realized that we had been holding each other prisoner to our expectations, instead of accepting the other person for who they were, and forgiving them their "lack" in meeting our expectations.
There are two aspects key to making a relationship whole. You have two jobs to perform.
One, be the best person you can be, and do your due diligence in developing your spiritual and emotional consciousness. Always pursue the path of love and compassion, instead of taking the "easy" route of isolating your feelings and wallowing in bitterness and blame. I know you do it to keep from getting hurt, but it's not really the "easy" route, and in the long run you will end up getting hurt worse.
Two, accept your mate for who they are, and where they're at emotionally. Most of us in this life are emotionally handicapped in one area or another because of a lifetime of emotional wounds, many inflicted (and buried) at childhood. The person who suffers from this is often unaware of what controls their actions. Don't take things personally when they spew emotional poison on you which is actually a buildup from wounds of long ago. Let them spew, and grow. Love them unconditionally so they can be secure in your commitment to them, even in their weakness.
And forgive... Forgiveness is the other job. Be the best you can be, and forgive your mate their imperfections.
When you are able to do these two things, your relationship will become whole.
Our marriage was not all light and roses. There were several times where Linda and I were ready to divorce one another. In truth, I was ready to divorce her three years ago. I'd had it with her, was done and ready to leave.
Then I found out she had cancer, bad. I thought, "Shit, I can't leave her. She's really sick. Nobody else will take care of her like I can." So I decided to stick it out until she got better, or transitioned. I said to myself after that point I would pursue my own life and happiness.
Originally the doctors were talking like she had six months. Heh heh heh, they didn't know Linda... Tell her she's got six months and she's going to show you wrong. So six months turned into one year, then one year into two, and then two years into three.
During this time I found myself starting to love her again, despite myself. She became frailer and more delicate, needing my help and depending on me. I began to drop some of the walls I had built up emotionally and psychologically invested myself in her situation. I carried her to the bathroom, stretchered her to doctor after doctor, talked her out of periods of depression.
Next thing I know, we have fallen back in love. Despite the fact that she looked like a Nazi concentration camp victim, I loved her more than when she was young and beautiful.
Here's the thing I want to get across though. She and I both grieved over many aspects of this thing, but one of the things we grieved most over was having wasted so many years being angry and bitter with one another. We realized that we had been holding each other prisoner to our expectations, instead of accepting the other person for who they were, and forgiving them their "lack" in meeting our expectations.
There are two aspects key to making a relationship whole. You have two jobs to perform.
One, be the best person you can be, and do your due diligence in developing your spiritual and emotional consciousness. Always pursue the path of love and compassion, instead of taking the "easy" route of isolating your feelings and wallowing in bitterness and blame. I know you do it to keep from getting hurt, but it's not really the "easy" route, and in the long run you will end up getting hurt worse.
Two, accept your mate for who they are, and where they're at emotionally. Most of us in this life are emotionally handicapped in one area or another because of a lifetime of emotional wounds, many inflicted (and buried) at childhood. The person who suffers from this is often unaware of what controls their actions. Don't take things personally when they spew emotional poison on you which is actually a buildup from wounds of long ago. Let them spew, and grow. Love them unconditionally so they can be secure in your commitment to them, even in their weakness.
And forgive... Forgiveness is the other job. Be the best you can be, and forgive your mate their imperfections.
When you are able to do these two things, your relationship will become whole.
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Richard Sherwood
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Hest88
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To your great credit - taking a tragedy to impart some wisdom learned. I hope you realize that if your wisdom implants in one couple - you have made a world of difference. Somehow, I think it will. I hope this brings a smile to your healing heart. You are a truly giving person.
F&I getting back to her regular scheduled channel of "I fell in love with that Right Brain." I''ve got to accept it.
Mara
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Kaleigh
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surfrgrl
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Richard:
So sorry for your loss. May you and your family be comforted by memories and those that are thinking of you through this difficult time.
And, please know that your wisdom and words are well taken and an inspiration for those of us (MOST of us) who are challenged by our relationships every day.
A great tribute to your wife that in her spirit you are so giving. Thank you.
Surf
So sorry for your loss. May you and your family be comforted by memories and those that are thinking of you through this difficult time.
And, please know that your wisdom and words are well taken and an inspiration for those of us (MOST of us) who are challenged by our relationships every day.
A great tribute to your wife that in her spirit you are so giving. Thank you.
Surf
Richard, oh my gosh, you are not only tender, sweet and loving to your sweet Linda even now, but you are so amazingly wise to advise others!!! Amidst your grief, your wisdom flows through you with such fluidity!!! Oh my...such love, such wisdom...candid, true and yes, I have shed so many tears reading of this love you still have despite death!!! Even death cannot seperate the two of you truly...
Your sharing of yourself has helped me to underscore how much I want the relationships better in my family...and doing whatever it takes to make that happen NOW...because who knows about a later?
Thank you, Richard, thank you so much...
P.S. And as was already suggested to you...dabbling in writing may be an interesting and worthwhile area to pursue...you obviously can not only write eloquently, but can also convey yourself beautifully....I''d buy what you wrote!
Your sharing of yourself has helped me to underscore how much I want the relationships better in my family...and doing whatever it takes to make that happen NOW...because who knows about a later?
Thank you, Richard, thank you so much...
P.S. And as was already suggested to you...dabbling in writing may be an interesting and worthwhile area to pursue...you obviously can not only write eloquently, but can also convey yourself beautifully....I''d buy what you wrote!
hlmr
Ideal_Rock
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I think it is remarkable the insight we are given after a huge loss.
When I was 25 my mother died. When my girlfriends asked me what they could do to help me, I requested that they go to their respective mothers, hug them and tell them how much they loved them. You can''t imagine how hard this was for some of my girlfriends, but in the end they did it because it was my only request, and I kept at them until it was done.
I think it really helped to heal a couple of relationships and perhaps strengthened others. I wish someone had done that for me before my mother died too.
So thank you Rich, for sharing your profound insight and wonderful advice. I will definitely try to follow it!
Heather
When I was 25 my mother died. When my girlfriends asked me what they could do to help me, I requested that they go to their respective mothers, hug them and tell them how much they loved them. You can''t imagine how hard this was for some of my girlfriends, but in the end they did it because it was my only request, and I kept at them until it was done.
I think it really helped to heal a couple of relationships and perhaps strengthened others. I wish someone had done that for me before my mother died too.
So thank you Rich, for sharing your profound insight and wonderful advice. I will definitely try to follow it!
Heather
sevens one
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Bless you, Richard. You may have lost your love at a terribly unfair and untimely age, but at least you were blessed with renewed and reborn love together before she passed. I think that a hard-earned love is all the more valuable, and you will carry the wisdom you and Linda gained together for the rest of your life.
You are in my prayers!!
You are in my prayers!!
diamondlil
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hoorray
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Rich, What sage advice... regardless of how you came to learn it. What a sad way to have to learn it, but certainly better than not having re-found that love between the two of you. Thanks for sharing. I'm sure both us old married people and the newlyweds can be better off by taking it to heart...
and... F&I, take Rich's advice to heart and enjoy the adventure!
and... F&I, take Rich's advice to heart and enjoy the adventure!
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finerthings
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Richard, I am so sorry for your loss, and for the suffering that you and your wife have gone through with her cancer. It is often said that the hardest things in life are the best and most worthwhile. Thank goodness you two found each other''s love again while Linda was still with you. Your words are honest and an inspiration. Thank you for sharing and take care.
Skyblue
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staci76
Brilliant_Rock
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Richard,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I can''t thank you enough for your words of wisdom. Everything you said is so true...thank you for expressing yourself with us...I am positive that you have inspired at least a few of us here. Thankfully, both of you were able to find peace in your relationship before Linda passed away. I truly believe she is watching over you.
I wish you comfort and strength in these hard times.
Take care.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I can''t thank you enough for your words of wisdom. Everything you said is so true...thank you for expressing yourself with us...I am positive that you have inspired at least a few of us here. Thankfully, both of you were able to find peace in your relationship before Linda passed away. I truly believe she is watching over you.
Take care.
cnspotts
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crafftygrrl
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Richard,
You have discovered some very valuable eternal truths. As many have said, your words have brought tears to my eyes. Hopefully we can convert your ideas into action in our everyday lives--everyone from nearly weds to old married folks like me.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, especially tomorrow.
You have discovered some very valuable eternal truths. As many have said, your words have brought tears to my eyes. Hopefully we can convert your ideas into action in our everyday lives--everyone from nearly weds to old married folks like me.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, especially tomorrow.
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