No Longer a LIW - NOT the way I wanted. *sigh*

[bluebubbles]

Hi Girls!

I am sure some of you would remember my post about how I wanted to be engaged by the end of the year. Just a recap here: on NYE my then BF allowed a 5 minute conversation about the proposal by March of 2008? Well....that can just be thrown out the window. I am just too nice and naive of a girl to have trusted him and held on to him hoping he would follow through with what he said. He has all this time, been giving me a sense of false hopes, even if he said he didn''t, he did. I found out that he is STILL in contact with his ex-gf. Which boils my blood. I did what is a no-no, but only because I followed my women''s intuition. I checked his cell phone and found bundles and bundles of text messages from his ex. Everything that I had texted had been deleted. What does that say to you? I am and never was the woman in his life. This is very devasting and hurtful. Although, I am super duper greatful towards the close friends I have. They have been so supportive and are there to support me when I breakdown. I can only old it together for so long and not thing about it, but when some thoughts creep into my mind, it really sucks! I just want to wallow away in my sorrows.

It just so hurtful when the person you love could betray you like that. Why did he even suggest ring shopping? I think he just couldn''t make up his mind. Anyway....when I found out I didn''t say much. I would normally cry and want to talk about it and resolve the issue, but this time I kept my composure and just walked out. Never going back. No contact has been initiated by either party, but I doubt that he ever would. I knew that there was some contact between the two and I believe he always wanted to keep his ex as a back up maybe? But he always said that he is with me and is going to marry me. What a bunch of crock! I have requested him to not remain in contact with her, but he just feels sorry for her cuz she''s not as financially sound as "I am" and does not have family in the states. I said who cares, that is someone else''s problem to worry about. Then he says that he''ll respect my wishes. Like HELL he did!!!! I got the courage to finally break up with him because I have been reading on of the forum on "what is so great about your SO" (not sure if ths is the topic, but it''s something like this) and I read how all the girls would describe their SO. It sounded like their SO would do anything for them, would cheer them up, talk to them....then it made me evaluate my SO and realize that he has never ever put my feelings first. When i want to talk, he would say he didn''t. When I was feeling emotionally hurt, he''ll just leave me to fend for myself. I don''t think he ever put his feelings aside to tend to me. I was always there for him. Like at his every beckon call. Yes, it is my own stupidity. Like one person''s quote about women are either princesses or doormats. I guess I was the door mat all this time. Thinking about him really disgusts me. Anyhow...I guess I have to start back a square one. I guess it''s just tough and feel so emotionally beaten that I have no hope in finding my prince charming. I know age isn''t a thing, but mentally I''m stuck on being in my 30''s and feeling that my prospects have dwindled so much. *sigh* I just need to keep saying positive things and reassure that I deserve better and I deserve to be adored by my man. Not some second rate nothing.

Well girls! Thanks for reading and all the encouragement you gave me last time. I do wish everyone on this forum a life long happiness with their SO. If it can''t be me in that boat, then I''m happy to read that it is happening to another deserving girl. Btw, this is the part I dread. Informing my parents who were so hopeful that we will be engaged and getting married this year. He has worked his way into my parents heart, but the greater hurt I will have is seeing the hurt in my parents eyes....

Everyone says time will heal, but that time is going by so slow. Why can''t time speed up so the healing process will take place faster? Please please please, I just pray to God for Him to take the hurt and pain away....

Fortune Cookie says: "People Who Expect Nothing Will Never Be Disappointed" --- Panda Express

 

[pjean]

Oh, no! Bluebubbles, I''m so sorry! There''s nothing that can make having your trust betrayed like that be easier. I can say all the true things about how time will help, but I know you know that already, and it''s not helping now.

So, just... {{{{{hugs}}}}}

 

[bluebubbles]

Actually, I think I forgot to say what my point is....point is....He cheated on me...

and it''s over. Ever had those feelings when you are so depressed that every minutes seems like an eternity?

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

I can't relate to the cheating, but I am sorry you had to go through that. Sounds to me like he didn't deserve you in the first place, and I really admire the strength you had in walking. That takes a lot of courage to do. So, big hugs all around, and I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

 

[sunnyd]

I''m so sorry bluebubbles.

What a terrible thing to have happen, but let me tell you something I learned about parents when I broke up with my ex of 4 years, whom they loved too. You''re their daughter!! They will stand by any decision you make, as long as you''re happy. My parents were shocked, but very supportive and understanding, especially because I had to move back in with them for awhile. Forget him, you''ll find someone who deserves you.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Just an addition to my last post, I had just read the other day your post about being depressed and hurt, I think it was in October, and one thing stood out to me. You said that you were bf/gf and recognized that you love each other - "Maybe me more than him". You need someone who loves you just as much, and from that post, it didn''t sound like he deserved the relationship.

Take a little time for yourself, hang out with your friends, be carefree and have fun - and it''s going to find you when you least expect it. I''ve given that advice on more than one occasion, and it''s been true - 3 of those friends are now married. I know that''s not much consolation now, but rely on who you have around you, and maybe invest in a vodoo doll...

 

[bubbly1126]

Kudos to you for knowing that you deserve so much better and having the strength to walk! It might take a while for the hurt to subside but when it does, you will come out having learned to stand up for yourself and never take anything less than you deserve! You''ll get through it!

{{{HUGS TO YOU}}}

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

I''m so sorry, bluebubbles. I have to agree with what sunnyd said about parents - you''re their daughter and they''ll always stand by you. You deserve someone who will love you as much as you love them and who will be there for you, and trust me, you will find that when you least expect it. Sending lots of hugs your way...

 

[bluebubbles]

Date: 1/22/2008 4:04:49 PM
Author: sweetjettagirl04

and maybe invest in a vodoo doll...

LOL Jettagirl, I SERIOUSLY wished vodoo dolls exist and work. Yeah, it was a feeling. But, he sure knew how to play with my mind to string me a long. Anyway...I know now to always trust my gut feeling.

SunnyD - I agree, but I just don''t want to face 21 questions and maybe some I told you so''s... haha.. but I think I''ll wait a month before telling them. Need to fix myself first. Be sure I am emotionally stable.

PJean - Thank you for your hug.

 

[Patchee]

Although I am sure it hurts like hell I applaud you for being strong to up and move on... you deserve better, you are better!

No one who keeps in touch with an ex is serious about starting a life with someone else. Was a crock.

Good Luck to you! Know what they say .. lose the loser and next thing you know you have a ring on your finger from some amazing guy that you never knew exsisted.

 

[decodelighted]

Oy. I''m sad for you in the short term but HAPPY for you in the long term. Seriously -- you were settling too cheaply. DESPITE the cheating & deception -- doesn''t sound like he was meeting you halfway, much less putting you FIRST. When you know better, you do better ... when you know to require more, you will require more.

Re: 20 questions. Listen ... it took me a while to figure this out but: you don''t have to tell anyone anything you don''t want to. You don''t "owe" people "the whole truth". If you want support from some key friends, spill, whatever ... there''s nothing to be ashamed of (as far as YOU are concerned, HE has plenty to be ashamed of) but you do not have to share the details if you''d prefer not to. Or you can do it at your own pace.

Ultimately I''m sure your parents want you to be happy and in a relationship with someone who respects you and values your feelings and puts you first. No matter how much they liked this guy, he wasn''t who he pretended to be. Giving up the dream of who you *thought* he was is maybe the hardest part. Be real w/yourself. He just wasn''t that guy. He lied. And you''re wiser now. What you''ve learned can help you prevent future heartbreak.

 

[ladypirate]

Bluebubbles, I''m so sorry you had to go through that. You deserve so much better.

I agree with the other girls--take some time for yourself and enjoy the single life. It always seems like love finds you when you''re not looking for it anyhow. Plus, playing the field is fun and can be super empowering.

*HUGS*

You will get through this. And regarding your parents, tell them when you''re ready, but I''m sure they''ll be behind you. Especially when they find out why you dumped him!

 

[surfgirl]

I ditto Deco''s post entirely. Kudos to you for having the self esteem to walk away from someone who is abusing your love and trust! THAT takes courage and we''ve read of plenty of women around here who continue to stay in such "relationships"...so GOOD FOR YOU! Take care of you. Do things to make you happy. Right now, it should be all about you recovering from this. You WILL find someone WAY more deserving of your love and affection...For now, I think you should just feel proud of yourself for valuing YOU and doing what is best for YOU.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/22/2008 3:49:01 PM
Author:bluebubbles
Hi Girls!

Yes, it is my own stupidity. Like one person''s quote about women are either princesses or doormats. I guess I was the door mat all this time. Thinking about him really disgusts me. Anyhow...I guess I have to start back a square one. I guess it''s just tough and feel so emotionally beaten that I have no hope in finding my prince charming. I know age isn''t a thing, but mentally I''m stuck on being in my 30''s and feeling that my prospects have dwindled so much. *sigh* I just need to keep saying positive things and reassure that I deserve better and I deserve to be adored by my man. Not some second rate nothing.

Btw, this is the part I dread. Informing my parents who were so hopeful that we will be engaged and getting married this year. He has worked his way into my parents heart, but the greater hurt I will have is seeing the hurt in my parents eyes....

I am sooooo sorry for you! I have been cheated on more than once myself, and it sucks!! The thing that always helped me feel better/get over it -- and you tell yourself this, too....write it on the mirror if you have to -- has been the realization that he cheated himself! Look in the mirror and tell yourself that a man who could not be honest with you and who misrepresented himself to your folks is a snake, a jerk and a couple other names that are not printable here.

On the part about your parents, tell them what you told us: That you caught him and you chose to walk out and not look back. They might be initially sad....but in the end proud, because you won''t accept snakey behavior/actions. I''m the mom of a little boy, but if I had a daughter and she related this to me, I''d be proud to have a raised a strong woman with the self respect to know that she deserves better. As you pointed out, you DO deserve a man who wants to be with you and be there for you. And I have to question the mental capacity of any man who would choose a woman who is needy over a woman who has her stuff together. Does he have low self-esteem? Is he threatened by a strong woman? Does he need to be with someone he can BS and who won''t question him? Either way, this is NOT a man that you want. You need a real man who is an adult.

As to being in your 30s....I can relate to feeling like this sometimes. I am going to be 40 in a couple of months, I''m divorced and now have a boyfriend of 2 years. I hope he will propose sooner rather than later. Worst case scenario, though - if I had to walk because he wouldn''t propose, I know there are men my age out there who DO want to get married. Some have been single for a while and just never found the right woman. Others focused on their careers or educations and are now settling down late in the game. And there are a lot of men out there like my BF who came out of hellish marriages and who will treat a woman like a queen -- because they were married to the b**tch and can appreciate an emotionally healthy, nice woman. Men like that are GRATEFUL to have women like us! I have a friend in her 50s who has the same worries, and I happened to read an article in Oprah Magazine about several couples who found true love after 35 and passed it on to her. The story was not too long ago -- if someone you know gets the mag, it was in around November. If not, one of the couples is on the website, here: http://www.oprah.com/obc_classic/featbook/cholera/love/love_stories_284_106.jhtml

Look at it this way: You got rid of the jerk before you invested more time and energy into the relationship. Trust me - it hurts waaaaay more to find out these things after a several years go by. Or as a friend of mine discovered after marrying her husband......she was married 5 years and learned by accident/intuition that he cheated on her throughout their entire marriage and even as early as a few days before their wedding! What happened to you feels horrible, but it really was the Universe intervening before you got in deeper. You were spared and shown his true colors. That''s a gift.

Do this for me: Go out and get a mani and a pedi, maybe buy something cute to wear, then go out with your girlfriends and try to meet as many men as you can. DO NOT stay in the house and mope. When I first got divorced, I did this and went out to places specifically frequented by younger men. I wasn''t ready to meet a boyfriend-type yet...but it made me feel soooo good to have men send over drinks and/or come out and tell me that they found me attractive. My ex-husband made me feel horrible about myself -- but that feeling went away when I could go home at the end of an evening and say to myself in the mirror, "Yeah! I''m HOT! I''m 34 and I got hit on by a 23 year old!" You will get to the point where you are having so much fun and feeling so good about yourself that you will attract the kind of man you''re looking for - one who wants you for YOU.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Erin]

I went through something similar not so long ago.

The best part is when you start to feel sorry for him for not knowing how to be a trustworthy person, because he doesn't know what it feels like to truely love, and because he has to live a life full of secrets so that truth hardly exists. It really is a messed up entaglement. You CAN be mad at him for dragging your life into his crappy existence but eventually that is replaced by pity. Then you can really move on.

You emerge stronger, smarter, and more aware than ever before of what you want, what you'll 'put up with', and what you expect.
Be smart about the next person you choose to keep dating (second, third, fourth dates). Make sure he's worth your new criteria.

I found exercise to be a great outlet when I started to feel sad. Instead of lying there wanting to cry, I'd go running and change my thoughts from past to future.

 

[rubybeth]

Oh, bluebubbles, I''m so sorry you have to go through this.

It sucks so much, but I''m so proud of you for knowing what you deserve--a man who loves you and will put your needs first. You WILL come out of this a much stronger person, and I like your idea of waiting until you can hold yourself together before telling your parents. But, I think as others have said, you are your parents'' daughter, and after you tell them that he was a cheater, they should have no doubts that you made the right decision in leaving.

 

[appletini]

Blue,

Better to find out now than later. Enjoy having this time to focus on yourself and catchup on time with friends. And now that you know all the things that were wrong in your relationship, you will recognize all the things you really want in a wonderful man who will treat you like a princess. Don''t forget: YOU ARE THE PRIZE!!!

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/22/2008 4:31:58 PM
Author: decodelighted
Oy. I''m sad for you in the short term but HAPPY for you in the long term. Seriously -- you were settling too cheaply. DESPITE the cheating & deception -- doesn''t sound like he was meeting you halfway, much less putting you FIRST. When you know better, you do better ... when you know to require more, you will require more.


Re: 20 questions. Listen ... it took me a while to figure this out but: you don''t have to tell anyone anything you don''t want to. You don''t ''owe'' people ''the whole truth''. If you want support from some key friends, spill, whatever ... there''s nothing to be ashamed of (as far as YOU are concerned, HE has plenty to be ashamed of) but you do not have to share the details if you''d prefer not to. Or you can do it at your own pace.


Ultimately I''m sure your parents want you to be happy and in a relationship with someone who respects you and values your feelings and puts you first. No matter how much they liked this guy, he wasn''t who he pretended to be. Giving up the dream of who you *thought* he was is maybe the hardest part. Be real w/yourself. He just wasn''t that guy. He lied. And you''re wiser now. What you''ve learned can help you prevent future heartbreak.

Totally agree with Deco-you deserve so much better. I wish I was there to give you a hug! I applaud how strong you are and I look forward to hearing how you''re moving on with your life. I agree with Deco about your parents-they only love him as they think that he is treating you like a princess-I''m sure once they hear what he did, they''ll be so proud of you walking away. You know now what to look for in your next relationship and don''t worry-it will come. Go enjoy a few nights out with the girls and remember how strong you feel now-do not let him give you any excuses.

 

[JAMSRING]

Good for you sweetie!

That was not easy to do, but you were so smart to do it! The fear of being alone is nothing compared to the dread of being with somebody who treats you so poorly!

 

[HollyS]

I''m sorry for your hurt, but agree with Deco that it will make you stronger in the long run. You were wise to get out and cut all ties; it is the best course of action.

Yes, you deserve to be adored. (Just remember, with men, that''s not a 24-7 job in their eyes!) Yes, you deserve someone who will be your best friend as well as a boyfriend. That someone is out there; I met mine at age 35, and many of the PSers in great relationships/marriages were older when their soulmate appeared on the horizon. In the meantime, define for yourself who you are, what is important to you, and what you want out of life - - with or without that partner. The only way you can truly have the perfect-for-you relationship is to be completely yourself, and let someone fall in love with the ''real you''.

Have youself a small pity party, you need a little of that; and when you''re finished, be ready to start enjoying life again. Think of it as a major spring cleaning; sweeping out the cobwebs and opening all the windows!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Oh, I''m sorry. Breakups are THE worst.

I definitely think you did the right thing, though. And good for you for being strong enough to walk away when you knew you should (that''s more than I can say; it took me several failed attempts with my ex). I know it''s not easy, but it really is for the best.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Hey Bubbles!

I am sorry to hear about your break up, but its better to find out now what a creep he is rather than finding out later.

When it comes to your parents, just tell them the truth. They will be more understanding and gratful that they have a daughter that they raised to see through someone''s lies and they will support you no matter what you have gone through. They will understand more than you think.

I have been through this before and you will not want to get out of bed, you will not want to see people, you will not want to be a productive member of society. Ultimately, you cannot give him the satisfaction that he broke your heart or that he has destroyed whatever dreams that you had for your life.

Only you can live your life. It is up to you to decide who runs your life, you or your ex.

I know you are a strong and independent woman. You have a great head on your shoulders and I know you will get through this with all your strength and your eye on the next prize.

 

[somethingshiny]

I''m sorry to hear of your heartbreak, I hope it gets much easier very soon.

If he couldn''t put your first, he was putting you last. I''m glad that you saw it and decided to leave.

Now you''re available for when the RIGHT guy comes along.

 

[Haven]

Date: 1/22/2008 4:31:58 PM
Author: decodelighted
Oy. I''m sad for you in the short term but HAPPY for you in the long term. Seriously -- you were settling too cheaply. DESPITE the cheating & deception -- doesn''t sound like he was meeting you halfway, much less putting you FIRST. When you know better, you do better ... when you know to require more, you will require more.


Re: 20 questions. Listen ... it took me a while to figure this out but: you don''t have to tell anyone anything you don''t want to. You don''t ''owe'' people ''the whole truth''. If you want support from some key friends, spill, whatever ... there''s nothing to be ashamed of (as far as YOU are concerned, HE has plenty to be ashamed of) but you do not have to share the details if you''d prefer not to. Or you can do it at your own pace.


Ultimately I''m sure your parents want you to be happy and in a relationship with someone who respects you and values your feelings and puts you first. No matter how much they liked this guy, he wasn''t who he pretended to be. Giving up the dream of who you *thought* he was is maybe the hardest part. Be real w/yourself. He just wasn''t that guy. He lied. And you''re wiser now. What you''ve learned can help you prevent future heartbreak.

DITTO, Deco!

BlueBubbles--I know this is a very difficult thing to deal with right now, and I definitely know that feeling as if every single minute lasted hours upon hours. I remember when I left my ex-fiance (and BF of five years) it hurt and it stung and the whole thing felt unbearably public because everyone wanted to know the story and the news spread like wildfire.

Take the time you need to mourn the life you hoped to have which will no longer be, and I promise that you''ll soon be able to relish in the realization that THAT life isn''t good enough for you, anyway, and now you have the opportunity to create exactly the life you deserve and want for yourself.

You really will. You''re strong enough to leave him behind, and everything that goes with him, and that''s hard. I know it is, honey, I know. And I''m not going to tell you that it will feel better right away. It won''t. But time really does heal, and it gives you perspective to see how good this decision really is for you. Now that I''m five years past that heartache I alluded to earlier, I feel like that version of me is nothing more than a fading memory. My life is exponentially happier, more fulfilling, and just plain "me" than it ever would have been had I stayed with the wrong man.

Give yourself some time to heal. And then go out there and raise hell, kiddo. My recipe for healing was When Harry Met Sally, brand new flannal pajamas, a knockout haircut and highlights, pedicures with my sisters, and a pottery class. It worked. I also quit law school, went back to school to pursue my dream career and starting working part-time as a personal trainer again just because I wanted to and there was nobody to scoff at my decisions. I embraced the opportunity to step back from my life and reevaluate what I wanted, and who I wanted to become, and I went for it.

Good luck! (OH--did I mention that I met my now-FI on a dating website?

)

 

[misscuppycake]

SUPER SUPER big hugs!! Not only so you can feel better but also because you did a good thing and should be proud of yourself. You stood up for yourself, held your ground, and put yourself out there so someone MUCH better who will treat you like a princess can come along.

 

[CaliBling]

Wow, I just read your email and have to say that I am totally blown away by your composure, your bravery, and your ability to trust yourself. I admire you and wish you the best of luck in your futures relationships, there is no doubt that a woman like you will not find happiness, because you know what you want and more importantly what you will not tolerate.

Thank you for your candor, and your willingness to share your story; no doubt your post effected someone at least into realizing that you deserve nothing but the best.

 

[TravelingGal]

So sorry to hear this...but agree with the others in the kudos to you for moving on. Go, have a good cry when it hits you (you can even cry yourself to sleep

) and wake up knowing tomorrow is a new day, fresh with no mistakes in it.

 

[ringster]

i''m so so sorry bluebubbles. this is not going to be an easy time for you but better things are waiting for you at the other end. how can it not when you have been so great about taking care of yourself and not settling for a crappy deal! you know what you are worth and what you want - you want what you can give to someone else .

cry, talk to friends, take your time telling people if you want, do what feels right, take care of yourself and live life to its fullest!

 

[Sharon101]

Blue Bubbles, I feel your pain!!!! And Im sure there will be many around to tell you what you needd to hear. So far all the advice here is spot on, so hopefully that will give you strength.

I also get the vibe from your post that you feel like your ex has sort of won here. It is my experience that guys like that, with no decency or courage to be honest and treat others in a mature fair way do not end up very successful.

You might be surprised at the amount of times I have heard of situations like yours, only to see the guy end up much worse off, and his ex much better off. Life has a funny way of evening things out. One day you will thank your lucky stars you found out in time because his type dont change but get worse with age!

Meanwhile, I hope you get the best revenge by being happy and enjoying success without him!

 

[anchor31]

I''m sorry to hear that you had to go through this... But I''m very happy to hear that you''re moving on. You''ll be much stronger for it. Remember, take care of yourself and don''t sell yourself short! *hugs*