no longer on the list

[Bliss]

Oh how my heart aches for you!

I have been there before - once engaged to a man who was not good for me at all.

I made the mistake of moving in with him when we were engaged and then had to bear the trauma of moving out. Luckily, I had the resources to make it as painless and as fast as possible. But emotionally, it was the most traumatic period in my life!

I have to tell you that the sun will come out. It will!

I am now with a truly wonderful man. So I just want you to know that sometimes the awful guy can help you recognize the amazing guy.

It''s like God telling you to let go of something not good for you so you will have an open hand for the RIGHT one.

For now...
It''s time to love yourself, take time out...pamper yourself and care for yourself as gently as you would a child.

Don''t be afraid. Whatever your faith, I don''t believe God or the Universe ever gives us more than what we are strong enough to bear. I swear, I look back on that time in my life and I am SO THANKFUL. And it helped me to see so much. And I grew so much. I am such a stronger & more deeply compassionate person because of this experience.

And I know you will come out on the other side like me!!!!!

Happy! Brave! Unafraid to love again. Blessed.

I wish you all the joys you deserve. For now, focus -- one day at a time. Get outta there!

Set up. Love yourself. You are precious!

The jerk... he didn''t see it. HIS LOSS!

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 4/25/2008 10:21:56 AM
Author: Smurfysmiles


oh and im getting a plant.

I love this.

I''m certain the plant will appreciate you more than the boy did.

 

[Erin]

I''m so proud of you. I can remember when I did this last year. There are a few hard moments to bear, but trust me, you are in for a great ride.
I promise the months to come will redefine who you are. It''s a blast.

Instead of mourning an old relationship, and thinking about what might have been, focus on you and the best that''s yet to come.

This is you...

 

[gigglebuns1186]

Aww! I hope you feel better soon! Everything will be alright!

 

[choro72]

Darn me for being away yesterday! Smurfy, you have always been a great adviser, comforter, friend, and spirit here. If that man did''t see what us, virtual people see...

Meanwhile, {{hugs}}

 

[cutiegirl84]

smurfy,

you are such a champ. I am amazed by your strength and support your family and friends have given you through this time. I know there are only good things coming your way from now on. You will find someone that deserves your love and isn''t a jerk.

I''m sure a new beginning can be hard but with your support system in place I''m sure you will be fine! Just remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life.

And you better get all your furniture back!! I like the donate to Goodwill idea someone else proposed. Best of luck!!

 

[beebrisk]

I promise you that I am not trying to be ugly about this or be insensitive in any way. I do hope Smurfy will get past this and find happiness with the right man for her.

But ladies, why is it that when a woman falls out of love with a man, it''s always for a good and sound reason...Yet when a man falls out of love with a woman, he''s just simply ''a jerk''?

Relationships are extraordinarily complicated, and the only one you can ever really hope to understand is your own. Isn''t it possible that he had just as good a reason as any woman who has ever said the same thing to a man?? Would we ever dare to call our sisters or best friends ''jerks'' for doing the same thing?? No..we''d commend them for their inner strength and remind them that they deserve to be happy! Perhaps BF didn''t choose the right words, or the right moment, but at the very least he was honest..At the very least he did not string her along for another year or two.

Because her BF has come to the conclusion that he does not love her any longer does not make him a jerk. Men are just as entitled to their happiness as we are. The positive is that she now knows where she stands and they are both free to find someone else.

Good luck to you Smurfy...May you find the perfect partner when the time is right.

 

[Girlrocks]

Date: 4/25/2008 4:41:32 PM
Author: beebrisk
I promise you that I am not trying to be ugly about this or be insensitive in any way. I do hope Smurfy will get past this and find happiness with the right man for her.

But ladies, why is it that when a woman falls out of love with a man, it's always for a good and sound reason...Yet when a man falls out of love with a woman, he's just simply 'a jerk'?

Relationships are extraordinarily complicated, and the only one you can ever really hope to understand is your own. Isn't it possible that he had just as good a reason as any woman who has ever said the same thing to a man?? Would we ever dare to call our sisters or best friends 'jerks' for doing the same thing?? No..we'd commend them for their inner strength and remind them that they deserve to be happy! Perhaps BF didn't choose the right words, or the right moment, but at the very least he was honest..At the very least he did not string her along for another year or two.

Because her BF has come to the conclusion that he does not love her any longer does not make him a jerk. Men are just as entitled to their happiness as we are. The positive is that she now knows where she stands and they are both free to find someone else.

Good luck to you Smurfy...May you find the perfect partner when the time is right.

I don't think he's a jerk if he truly fell out of love with her, that happens, and it's better for her to know it now. HOWEVER, he could have been a man about it, they do live together and have been together for a while...to blurt it out while she is trying to be affectionate with him...WRONG!!! THAT is what makes him a jerk!!

ETA: I have been in your shoes and heard those exact words. About 15 years ago, I was engaged to a guy who I had dated for 5 years. One night, in a parking lot of a crabhouse, he tells me in the car that he doesn't love me anymore and has just stayed with me because he felt sorry for me. WTH??? Anyway, after lots of crying, screaming, burning items in my trash can, live went on, I met DH, got married, had several kids, have a great life, and so on, and so on, etc.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.

 

[surfgirl]

beebrisk, I agree with you in principal, but I think it''s the way he did it. Such a cowardly way of breaking up, IMO. At least he could have sacked up and had a talk with her instead of blurting out "I dont love you anymore", which is about as cold and lame as it gets, short of texting that...

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 4/25/2008 4:41:32 PM
Author: beebrisk
I promise you that I am not trying to be ugly about this or be insensitive in any way. I do hope Smurfy will get past this and find happiness with the right man for her.


But ladies, why is it that when a woman falls out of love with a man, it''s always for a good and sound reason...Yet when a man falls out of love with a woman, he''s just simply ''a jerk''?


Relationships are extraordinarily complicated, and the only one you can ever really hope to understand is your own. Isn''t it possible that he had just as good a reason as any woman who has ever said the same thing to a man?? Would we ever dare to call our sisters or best friends ''jerks'' for doing the same thing?? No..we''d commend them for their inner strength and remind them that they deserve to be happy! Perhaps BF didn''t choose the right words, or the right moment, but at the very least he was honest..At the very least he did not string her along for another year or two.


Because her BF has come to the conclusion that he does not love her any longer does not make him a jerk. Men are just as entitled to their happiness as we are.

Agreed...
but it was the way in which he communicated this information to her that qualifies him as a jerk (and a child). Blurting out your true feelings over drinks, while time-honored and effective, isn''t the best way to go about ending a relationship with someone who loves you and wants to marry you someday. This demonstrated an utter lack of sensitivity on his part. Thus, he is deemed a jerk.

Also -- my brother dated a woman for years and after they''d lived together for awhile he realized he didn''t want to spend the rest of his life with her, and he broker up with her. I thought he was a jerk for waiting so long to come to that conclusion. I love him, but sometimes he''s a jerk.

 

[beebrisk]

I would agree, he wasn''t kind about it. And yes, it was a ''jerky'' way to end a relationship.

However, I don''t know how many here ever felt like they were involved in a relationship they didn''t know how to extricate themselves from...It ain''t easy by any means.

I am absolutely not making excuses for him, but sometimes when push comes to shove, we all do things we wished we''d done differently. We all act rash when we''d like to be gentle. Out of frustration and fear we ALL act like ''jerks'' sometimes. Plus, we don''t know from hearing only one side of this story that he hadn''t been ''trying'' to tell her for awhile now. I know in the past I''ve chosen not to listen or look at the signs of a dying relationship.

We simply don''t know anything about this particular relationship and I think just throwing pejoratives out at the BF doesn''t really do Smurfy any service.

I think women today (as evidenced here) are very quick to always blame the guy and build the woman up as if she can do no wrong--As if we deserve only the very best from life when really, we should remember that we ''deserve'' nothing, but are blessed with what we receive.

 

[surfgirl]

bee, you make an interesting point which would be great to debate but maybe you can start a new thread for it so this one doesn''t get diverted? I''ll participate...

 

[Bliss]

SMURFY... You will have an incredible future and one day thank this guy!

Just had to chime in with the recent discussion turning to "Why are we calling the guy a jerk?"

Agree with all in principle...

BUT... I have a lot of girlfriends and it''s kind of girl code to rally around each other initially.

We''re not truly calling her bf a jerk or wishing him any ill. He could be an awesome guy and they just weren''t right for each other. Heck, we wish him well, too! We just don''t say that because someone has come to us for comfort and that''s what we''re giving her.

Because we''re supportive women, sometimes we will err on the side of rallying to her defense and calling the man a cad. Because we don''t know the whole story or him, for that matter, it doesn''t have the same intent as truly imagining the poor guy (I''m sure he''s in pain, too) and calling him a jerk.

I''m sure we could sit back and pick apart the situation and be logical about it...

But seriously ladies, when we''re hurt and going through a truly traumatic experience, what do you want to hear? The comfort and rallying first... Later, the logic and reason can come in.

HUGS

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

I tend to agree with Bliss on this one, as a showing of support for Smurfy.

Besides, is it not also the duty of each person in a relationship to examine themselves and their happiness? And of course, to work for it?

I don''t for one second, believe that anyone gets to just sit back and relax in a relationship while the other person goes running around trying to sustain the love and happiness that it is TWO PEOPLE''S job to create. And correct me if I''m wrong, but their relationship was actually quite lengthy. I think when a relationship gets serious enough to move in, people should be thinking about what that means for the future. If they can''t take that step where they move in together, AFTER having considered what it means for the two of them (marriage or convenience, etc) then they shouldn''t live together because they''re just not at all prepared for the consequences of living together and the fallout in expectations that''s inevitable even when couples agree! I mean, how often do we hear on this board about the difference between boy soon and girl soon??

But beebrisk has a point, maybe there are all sorts of flags that sometimes we deny seeing. I can understand that. But I really doubt that this is a guys are jerks thing. My SO and I have a friend who was dating a lovely girl for years, he loved her and really wanted to marry her. She kept saying: well, why don''t we wait a little bit? My family is having a hard time adjusting (because the couple were of different ethnicities). And you know what? 6 or so YEARS into their relationship, she dumped him, stating she couldn''t ever marry him because he wasn''t of her ethnic background!!!

Broke the poor man''s heart. And honestly, I was furious with her! I thought she was a heartless little brat. She strung him along for all that time, and just caved into her family''s wishes. Regardless of how much pressure she must have been under from her family, I still think she behaved terribly. No one from our social circle keeps in touch with her to this day.

So, it goes both ways. It''s just that on this board, we hear from the ladies a lot more.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

oh you guys, dont argue

my dad came to help me move stuff out today and the ex was upstairs and im pretty sure the minute i walked out the door my dad gave him a good talking to (and also reminded him that he owes my dad 600 dollars

)

on the bright side i never realized how much stuff i had. he was a little upset that i took the showerhead before he took a shower today but whatever.

also...i won a free basket of eco friendly products from walmart lol which means i dont have to buy any cleaning supplies for the new place.

blah blah blah

 

[sunnyd]

Dads are good for making exes feel like crap when deserved, right?

Good for you for taking the showerhead! Haha, it feels good to be bad sometimes. When I moved out of my exes place, I took everything I ever purchased. Dammit it was mine! He got the better end still, because he got to keep the furniture and appliances we BOTH bought. And my parents hot tub...

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 4/25/2008 5:27:55 PM
Author: beebrisk
I would agree, he wasn''t kind about it. And yes, it was a ''jerky'' way to end a relationship.


However, I don''t know how many here ever felt like they were involved in a relationship they didn''t know how to extricate themselves from...It ain''t easy by any means.


I am absolutely not making excuses for him, but sometimes when push comes to shove, we all do things we wished we''d done differently. We all act rash when we''d like to be gentle. Out of frustration and fear we ALL act like ''jerks'' sometimes. Plus, we don''t know from hearing only one side of this story that he hadn''t been ''trying'' to tell her for awhile now. I know in the past I''ve chosen not to listen or look at the signs of a dying relationship.


We simply don''t know anything about this particular relationship and I think just throwing pejoratives out at the BF doesn''t really do Smurfy any service.


I think women today (as evidenced here) are very quick to always blame the guy and build the woman up as if she can do no wrong--As if we deserve only the very best from life when really, we should remember that we ''deserve'' nothing, but are blessed with what we receive.

I agree that it''s unhelpful to label someone "jerk" except as a way of trying to get past a difficult situation by writing that person off (everyone copes in her own way). [And while it''s true that we don''t know both sides of the story, ''trying'' to tell someone something is a far cry from clearly explaining oneself to someone, which is possible and should be the case unless one fears for his safety]. I''ve broken up with men and I don''t mince words. It wasn''t easy, and I didn''t feel good about it at the time or now, but there''s nothing as good as an unequivocal expression of one''s wants or needs to communicate effectively.


I do completely disagree that we deserve nothing - every person deserves to be treated with a modicum of dignity and respect, and expecting as much isn''t demanding that we be given ''only the very best from life,'' but simply the very minimum level of acceptable treatment.

 

[Girlrocks]

style="WIDTH: 100.16%; HEIGHT: 170px">Date: 4/25/2008 6:30:57 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
oh you guys, dont argue

my dad came to help me move stuff out today and the ex was upstairs and im pretty sure the minute i walked out the door my dad gave him a good talking to (and also reminded him that he owes my dad 600 dollars

)

on the bright side i never realized how much stuff i had. he was a little upset that i took the showerhead before he took a shower today but whatever.

also...i won a free basket of eco friendly products from walmart lol which means i dont have to buy any cleaning supplies for the new place.

blah blah blah

haha, good one!!

 

[FrekeChild]

I agree with Bliss. Support comes first, logic comes second.

I think he was weak, immature and childish for doing it the way he did. For heavens sake, they had talked about marriage and were living together! It''s not like they''d been together for six months and he just dumped her like that. If I got dumped like that after 2 years, living together and all kinds of talk about marriage and I only got a "I don''t love you anymore." blurted out after drinking while I was trying to be affectionate, and my girls didn''t call him all the names in the book, I''d be LIVID. I would at least expect some kind of lengthy conversation, for him to answer some questions, not just dissolve everything with one dopey sentence.

Yes, everyone is entitled to our own happiness, I hope Smurfy''s ex finds his. I also hope that he realizes what a wonderful person he let go. I hope he finds love even. I know that Smurfy will find love again because she''s such a great woman and a great catch.

The way he did it was cowardly. The only ways it would have been worse is if he did via: text message, email or had a friend do it. At least he did it face to face-but that is his only saving grace.

It''s his cowardice that makes him a cad and a jerk.

Smurfy, would you like a cupcake?

 

[choro72]

I second Freke''s cupcake offer!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

i better not have any cupcakes
ive had like a million pounds of ice cream in the last 2 days

 

[dinkster]

Date: 4/25/2008 6:30:57 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
he was a little upset that i took the showerhead before he took a shower today but whatever.

That part cracked me up! It''s your shower head...it''s his fault he didn''t take a shower earlier today.

 

[brooke.lynne]

Oh, Smurfy! I''m sorry (and, as others have said, simultaneously not sorry) that all of this is happening. I''m really glad to hear that you have so many supportive people around you. Your parents sound great -- I''m sure it must be nice to realize that there are people out there who will never stop loving you!

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Date: 4/25/2008 7:54:49 PM
Author: choro72
I second Freke''s cupcake offer!

I must say I like this cupcake. but I''d prefer to send him to her ex first!

Lol, took the shower head. I''m glad you went with your Dad and got everything out. You have our support!

I''d have taken the bath mat too... hope he doesn''t trip when getting out.

 

[iheartscience]

Oh smurfy-sorry to hear about this. It sounds like you''re better off without him, though. Good for you for getting out right away. What a rotten way to treat someone.

I have to second surf-don''t let him have the furniture! Take it, put it on your front lawn and sell it! If he wants it, he can buy it from you. Then take the profits and buy yourself something nice!

P.S. I LOVE that you took the shower head-that''s awesome!

 

[Miscka]

Date: 4/25/2008 3:52:33 PM
Author: Starset Princess
I''m so proud of you. I can remember when I did this last year. There are a few hard moments to bear, but trust me, you are in for a great ride.

I promise the months to come will redefine who you are. It''s a blast.


Instead of mourning an old relationship, and thinking about what might have been, focus on you and the best that''s yet to come.


This is you...

What a lovely post, SP.

Smurfy, I hope you are feeling better. I love that you took the shower head. LOL.

 

[monarch64]

Aw Smurfy, I''m sorry...but then again I''m not...you have too much to offer and this is a new beginning for you. It''s never fun to face life without the security you used to have, but once you get out there and are on your own you will realize how much better off you are and you will be happier. Big hugs to you. Glad your parents have been so helpful in getting you re-established with your own place and furniture, they sound like wonderful people!

Lesson learned: never throw jewelry in the garbage, LOL! (Just kidding, obviously there are more lessons learned than that here.) I hope you stick around PS, you are a fun gal and you have been a great contributor to the LIW board...we''d love to keep seeing you on LIW and everywhere else on PS! Don''t go away! And of course, take care.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Date: 4/25/2008 6:30:57 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
he was a little upset that i took the showerhead before he took a shower today but whatever.

also...i won a free basket of eco friendly products from walmart lol which means i dont have to buy any cleaning supplies for the new place.

blah blah blah

I love it

!
Congratulations on the basket!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/26/2008 1:09:26 AM
Author: Diamond*Dana

Date: 4/25/2008 6:30:57 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
he was a little upset that i took the showerhead before he took a shower today but whatever.

also...i won a free basket of eco friendly products from walmart lol which means i dont have to buy any cleaning supplies for the new place.

blah blah blah

I love it

!
Congratulations on the basket!

LOL...I love it too! I know we have disagreed on some things smurfy, but I gotta say, I''m impressed. When you make up your mind, you move fast. I know too many women in your situation who would be clinging on, asking "why?" and trying to make the guy love her.

And for the record on the "jerk" issue...I called him a jerk not because of the way he broke up (which is certainly jerkworthy) but because of some of his behavior based on smurfy''s past posts.

 

[Rhea]

I''m glad that you''ve been able to move so quickly! And it appears that you''re handling it quite well from what you''ve said. I do like the fact that you took back the shower head, no reason not to!