NOT engaged Wahhh!!! Need to Vent!

[KimberlyH]

This is a reoccuring theme on the LIW board. Holly's thoughts are just as valid and important as those who are willing to pat the OP on the back in hopes of making her feel better. There are a lot of PS women and men who have been-there-done-that and can offer perspective from the other side; while some LIWs may not want to hear it, there have been many cases in which it has been quite helpful. It's a public forum, which means that all opinions are welcome. And just because someone is no longer an LIW, or has never been because the moniker simply never defined them in their relationships, doesn't mean that they should not post in this section of PS, which was a wish expressed in a different thread.

I understand Holly's perspective (hope I'm not stepping on toes here, Holly), the guy is getting ready to propose, and she just wants the OP to enjoy the excitement of this time and make it a positive experience rather than marring it with a "woah is me" attitude and being fixated on a year ending. When he does propose, and they plan their wedding and move on with their lives it would be best for all involved if they could look back on this time with happy memories, not times of crying oneself to sleep and being so upset about something that was clearly coming.

I think everyone wishes good things to all members of this board, and sometimes frank and brutal honesty is a great wake up call for those who need it. And for those who aren't ready to hear it, or for whom it hits too close to home, ignore it; you don't have to like what posters say, agree with it, etc. but they have as much right to say it as you do to disagree with it.

To the OP: I have to qualify this with the fact never felt like you did, with the exception of one mini-upset that spurred the whole marriage conversation for my now DH and I. Many open discussions about our future stemmed from that mini-upset; we discussed what we both expected and wanted from one another and we came to agreements about what was best for us and our relationship as a couple. We agreed we'd be engaged by a certain date and both stuck to our agreement. It was very important to both of us that either one of us felt like the other held the purse strings (propose or I'm leaving, whenever he felt ready, etc.) so we talked openly about the subject on multiple occasions. I feel sorry for you for feeling so out of control about what's going on. My first suggestion to you would be to talk to him about it. The two of you are going to have to communicate effectively for the rest of your lives, why not begin now. Tell him why your sad, in a non-threatening way. Ask him his thoughts on the subject, find out where you're headed. Next, relax, breath, do fun things and just enjoy the ride. It all goes by to quickly. It sounds trite, but it's true. Best of luck to you.

 

[HollyS]

KimberlyH, thank you. I think that pretty much sums it up for me.

I want bluebubbles to be happy that she is at this point in her relationship; to enjoy every aspect of it; to realize that it will be wonderful, no matter when it occurs. Living in the moment, rather than overthinking the future. The future will be here before she knows it, and in the blink of an eye, it will become the past. This is her personal history she is living; it would be so much better for her to remember it as a joyous time in her life.

 

[MissErin]

Oh my... This seems to have gotten slightly out of hand. (unless I am wrong - which is a good possibility..hehe)

Kimberly - I agree with what you said. You wrote that very well and a commend your helpful advice. I also understand that when you said it shouldn''t matter if someone was or is a LIW judgement shouldn''t be passed. You''re right - all opinion are equally welcome, and ladies who are married have every right to chime in about thier experience too.

That being said, I think some have lost sight of the fact that everyone is indeed different. Some of us cry, yell, write, lecture, help, and so on... Not everyone will feel the same about the waiting process. BlueBubbles let us know she is known to be emotional, and because she is, she deals with it by crying and venting.

Everyone on here has GREAT advice that I hope BlueBubbles will take into consideration. She came on here knowing, I think, that some people would find her feelings a little unessasary, meanwhile others could totally relate. I know you meant well in saying, if it bothers you maybe you''re not ready, but on the same token, who can really say if someone else is ready. I''m not BlueBubbles and I know I have NO RIGHT to tell her how to feel, what to think, or how to act... But I also know she is here for advice. Whether it be what she wants to hear or not.

I respect all of you ladies on here. Everyone has something to offer and in return gain from being a part of this wonderul website. Let''s just try to clam ourselves down (me included!! hehe) and remember to be kind with words because we never know how someone REALLY feels.

I hope this helps and dosen''t make anyone angry.

 

[MissErin]

Date: 12/31/2007 6:21:11 PM
Author: HollyS
KimberlyH, thank you. I think that pretty much sums it up for me.

I want bluebubbles to be happy that she is at this point in her relationship; to enjoy every aspect of it; to realize that it will be wonderful, no matter when it occurs. Living in the moment, rather than overthinking the future. The future will be here before she knows it, and in the blink of an eye, it will become the past. This is her personal history she is living; it would be so much better for her to remember it as a joyous time in her life.

WOW!! This was PERFECT!! Holly - this was truly one of the sweetest parts of this post. I knew you had a beautiful heart and this post shows it. Thank you for writing this lovely message that all of us LIWs should listen to. Life is too short to get ahead of ourselves - especially when it comes to love.

 

[KimberlyH]

Erin, you are so very right, just as LIWs are different (some wait with thrilled anticipation, others kick, scream and cry), so are all posters. Some will pat people on the back, empathize, etc.; others will give advice, that may seem harsh, but is simply a different way of trying to help. Everyone has different versions of kindness. I don't think anyone is over-excited, or angry. I'm certainly not going to lose sleep over the OP being upset, and I'm pretty sure Holly won't either, she was trying to help, just as you and other posters were.

Part of the beauty of PS is that we are a family of sorts, connected through our love of diamonds, who often disagree with one another...and then agree to disagree (and sometimes share pie, and drinks when necessary) and then return to our shared love of diamonds.

 

[MissErin]

Kimberly - Again, VERY well put!! And I fully agree with you, we are somewhat of a family. I love that thought. Thank you so much for your outstanding perspective. It was needed and will help many in the end. Like me!! hehe

Holly - I forgot to say it... I adore your wedding pictures!! They are truly gorgous!! You two look so very happy. And even though it is a little late... CONGRATS!!

No losing sleep here either Kimberly!! hehe Have a wonderful New Years Eve!!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 12/31/2007 6:40:28 PM
Author: MissErin
Kimberly - Again, VERY well put!! And I fully agree with you, we are somewhat of a family. I love that thought. Thank you so much for your outstanding perspective. It was needed and will help many in the end. Like me!! hehe

Holly - I forgot to say it... I adore your wedding pictures!! They are truly gorgous!! You two look so very happy. And even though it is a little late... CONGRATS!!

No losing sleep here either Kimberly!! hehe Have a wonderful New Years Eve!!

My pleasure, Erin. I will have a great NYE (I''m sick and just hangin'' out at home with the poor hubby playing nursemaid), you do the same. I noticed in another post you live very close to my parents, just a random observation.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I guess when I am consumed by feelings like that I try to take a step back and say what is making me happy right now that is special for me? Half the time I come up with a long list and it makes me feel a lot better- I''d rather be happy and not engaged than not have anything to be thankful for

Happy New Years blue, I hope it comes soon

 

[surfgirl]

blue, actually, I can see why Holly wrote what she did, and why Kimberly did as well, and I agree with them. But what I noticed more from your posts was perhaps an underlying possibility that in fact, you''re BF maybe isn''t ready to be married, and or perhaps you are trying too hard to be "engaged"? Let me show you what stood out for me in your posts:

1. i am feeling angry, hurt, depressed, sad, stupid, like a fool and an idiot. (that''s really sad, that you cannot be happy about being with this man unless you''re engaged now).

2. i tried not to get too excited about the whole engagement idea (this saddened me because you should be REALLY excited for the engagement and all that it brings with it)

3. his response was smart. he didn''t say no and he didn''t say yes. what he said was, "if things continue the way they are (meaning good), you won''t be disappointed". (what does this mean? If you behave, you''ll get engaged? I wasn''t sure what you meant here...)

4. but, w/o a 2007 proposal, it''ll just add to that pile of negative dump and conclude that 2007 just plain sucked. (You said that your BF said that things have "been going really well" or something to that effect...So if you don''t get a proposal this evening the entire year will suck as a result? Seems a bit sad to think that way)

5. i thought with me getting disappointed and hurt many times, it would be easy to walk, but it''s not. i love him so much. i''d sacrafice anything for him and all i can think about is, if he loved me so much as he claims he does, can''t he sacrafice his fear of marraige for me? i would. (It sounds to me like he''s disappointed you many times before? And you''ve thought about leaving? But you "cant"? And you acknowledge that he apparently has a fear of marriage. Are you sure he''s ready for marriage, and that he''s not just trying to act like he''s ready because he''s feeling a lot of pressure from you?)

6. i wanted to show off the ring and most importantly, the man i love, to them. (This is a warning statement to me...You want to show off the ring to your friends? Are you sure you just dont want to be engaged/married and that perhaps this guy isn''t "the one" for you?)

7. The sooner it comes, the sooner the deal will be sealed. I guess even if he says he wants to propose, that is not a guarantee that he will. So, I guess it''s a little fear that he''ll back out. But, that''s just my own insecurity. Plus I''m in my 30''s, so age is a factor for me. Besides, when we''re together we act like a married couple and everyone around asks when they can attend our wedding. haha (this entire statement is a big red flag to my eyes...You''re clearly afraid that if he doesn''t propose soon that you wont be able to "seal the deal" - again, not a healthy outlook on marriage IMO - and you''re afraid that he''ll "back out". Wouldn''t you rather the guy back out, then marry you even if he isn''t ready or perhaps doesn''t really want to?)

Anyway, I hope you can see where I''m going with this post. To me, there are a lot of warning signs that you have stated in your own posts. You appear to have been disappointed by this guy before, and you''ve thought about leaving but you say "you cant." You say that unless you get a proposal by the end of tonight, your entire year will be ruined (and I assume anything good/great will be overshadowed by your decision that the year will have been for naught). And you say that you know he has fears/issues about getting married but you are pushing for a proposal because you are very afraid that if he doesn''t propose really soon, despite you knowing about his fears, then you wont be able to "seal the deal" and he might "back out." Does this sound like a healthy situation to you? It doesn''t to me. You might want to consider getting some counseling, both individual and separately, to figure out why you''re so insecure about this, and why he''s got his own fears about it. If it were me, I''d focus on trying to find out WHY you both have the issues you do, then move on from there. Just something to consider...and another way of looking at the situation with fresh eyes...

 

[honey22]

Date: 12/31/2007 1:43:25 PM
Author: HollyS
You''re disappointed enough to ''cry myself to sleep'' just because the proposal wasn''t in 2007??

You cried yourself to sleep and you''re 30-something??

And, last I checked, 2007 is still here, and will be until midnight.

I''m sorry Holly I sure don''t like to cause waves but I don''t really like the tone you have taken here. I absolutely see your point, but this comes accross a little sarcastic and condesending. I think here ladies feel they can have a bit of support from others going through the same thing. Maybe you havn''t felt the same way during your time as a LIW, but some of us havn''t had an easy time, and there have been several times I too have cried over various aspects of our relationship. Crying is a healthy way of expressing our emotions, I would say much better than getting into a massive barney with SO. I always feel better after a good bawl. As far as your apparent shock of a 30 something crying themselves to sleep, I am a little suprised. At what age does emotive issues stop upsetting someone? I don''t ever want to get to an age that I stop feeling.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 12/31/2007 8:30:56 PM
Author: honey22

Date: 12/31/2007 1:43:25 PM

Author: HollyS

You''re disappointed enough to ''cry myself to sleep'' just because the proposal wasn''t in 2007??


You cried yourself to sleep and you''re 30-something??


And, last I checked, 2007 is still here, and will be until midnight.

I''m sorry Holly I sure don''t like to cause waves but I don''t really like the tone you have taken here. I absolutely see your point, but this comes accross a little sarcastic and condesending. I think here ladies feel they can have a bit of support from others going through the same thing. Maybe you havn''t felt the same way during your time as a LIW, but some of us havn''t had an easy time, and there have been several times I too have cried over various aspects of our relationship. Crying is a healthy way of expressing our emotions, I would say much better than getting into a massive barney with SO. I always feel better after a good bawl. As far as your apparent shock of a 30 something crying themselves to sleep, I am a little suprised. At what age does emotive issues stop upsetting someone? I don''t ever want to get to an age that I stop feeling.

Well said honey. Exactly what I was thinking. I think that the OP came here to get possibly a little sympathy, and to know that she was among friends who could be feeling the same way. Plus she stated that she was asking for advice as to how to STOP feeling this way, and to try to get over it. Regardless as to what your message was, your tone came off pretty harshly, and if I were the OP, I would have taken that as a personal attack. Being a LIW myself I particularly didn''t like this line:


"And this goes for all LIW -- for goodness sakes -- stop with the "woe is me" angst. Enough already. Anticipation does not equal anguish."

People come here for support, not to be put down and told that they are overly emotional. Yes, it will look like meaningless angst once we''re engaged, but it is hard to know that someone else is making decisions to change our lives-and we have little if not no control over it.

To bluebubbles, I think that you should just take some time off and try to stop thinking about it. I''ve considered myself not reading the LIW posts on PS because I think it makes the anxiety worse on some days. Take some time to remember that your SO is wonderful and that your relationship is great. I come here to know that I''m not alone, but my bf knows that I''m on here all the time (mostly because I''ll show him all the beautiful bling, e-rings or not) and I don''t think he appreciates it all that much.

I know that we''ll be together for the rest of our lives, and in the long run the proposal and the wedding day are just two spectacular days in many many years of happiness. I read in a previous thread that you''ve been with him for a little over a year, and I think that you should feel fortunate that you are as far into it as you are, because there are women who are here and have been LIW for ten years, some even more. Everyone''s situation is different, but I consider at least 2 years as being a good guideline, if you don''t see any progress in that two years, then perhaps you need to think about moving out of the relationship.

Girl! You''ve got it good! It hasn''t been two years yet, and you''ve already got him looking seriously at rings! That''s certainly progress. I think that you should really try to step back and concentrate on yourself for a little bit, spend time with your friends, watch some movies, and most of all enjoy the current relationship you have with your SO for what it is NOW. You''re never going to get these moments back, so love it now. When you start to get anxious, sit back and take a deep breath and tell yourself, "I love him and he loves me and in the end that''s all that matters." And set yourself an internal timeline in which you decide to talk to him about it again. Perhaps sometime in the spring?

But, I''m not even sure that you need to stress much. The feeling I get is that you''ll be engaged by the end of February at the latest. Remember-try to put it in perspective! Good luck!

 

[bee*]

Date: 12/31/2007 7:36:39 PM
Author: surfgirl
blue, actually, I can see why Holly wrote what she did, and why Kimberly did as well, and I agree with them. But what I noticed more from your posts was perhaps an underlying possibility that in fact, you''re BF maybe isn''t ready to be married, and or perhaps you are trying too hard to be ''engaged''? Let me show you what stood out for me in your posts:

Excellent post surgirl! After reading all of it, I think blue, that you should really think about how long you will stay if he doens''t propose. Although I do agree with Holly''s post in that it definitely sounds like he''s going to do it soon, so enjoy the build up. That was such an exciting time for me in our build up and although at times I was frustrated and was just wanting it to happen then and there, I don''t think that it should consume your life, which I think it might be a bit by the things that you have written.

From the whole posting sympathy vs. advice, I think that some people will post sympathetic posts and give hugs etc, and other women will post advice and sometimes people will not like it. That''s life. For me, I much prefer getting the advice posts, even if it''s not what I wanted to here. I know from experience that sometimes it''s not what you want to hear. D told me when I first joined that he wasn''t ready and I posted on here in relation to that. I got so many posts that differed from my opinion, but it made me open my eyes and see things from his and others point of view. The things with posting on an open forum is that you can''t just expect sympathy and for everyone to say they agree with you etc. The best posts, (IMO) are the ones that don''t have the same opinion as you, as they are the ones that will open your eyes and will make you question why you behave the way you do.

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 12/31/2007 8:30:56 PM
Author: honey22

Date: 12/31/2007 1:43:25 PM
Author: HollyS
You''re disappointed enough to ''cry myself to sleep'' just because the proposal wasn''t in 2007??

You cried yourself to sleep and you''re 30-something??

And, last I checked, 2007 is still here, and will be until midnight.

I''m sorry Holly I sure don''t like to cause waves but I don''t really like the tone you have taken here. I absolutely see your point, but this comes accross a little sarcastic and condesending. I think here ladies feel they can have a bit of support from others going through the same thing. Maybe you havn''t felt the same way during your time as a LIW, but some of us havn''t had an easy time, and there have been several times I too have cried over various aspects of our relationship. Crying is a healthy way of expressing our emotions, I would say much better than getting into a massive barney with SO. I always feel better after a good bawl. As far as your apparent shock of a 30 something crying themselves to sleep, I am a little suprised. At what age does emotive issues stop upsetting someone? I don''t ever want to get to an age that I stop feeling.

Oh my, I couldnt agree more!!!! Im all for tough love but this is just kicking someone when they are down.

My personal take is that the poster is in pain. She may even be depressed thus with skewed interpretation of the situation. She may be sensing some red flags here from things that she has experienced. Her partner did indicate that this was the year for them to be officially engaged. I can see why a gal might be upset or devistated when she realises that maybe the relationship is not what she thought. There might be so many things going on here, we cant really give too much advice one way or the other.

I sincerely wish that the poster find the strength to reclaim her `power`and meanwhile the cards will fall where they will. Us women need to be our own prince charming and save ourselves and that goes no matter if you are married or not.

FWIW, Ive been married for 15 years, and my h. knew that on a holiday we had planned 17 years ago we would come back engaged or single and nothing inbetween!!!!!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Miss Erin, I just wanted to comment on how kind and encouraging your posts are! I think when someone comes here upset, we do need to be sensitive to that and provide comfort and understanding unless they are really misguided. I have been married a looooong time, but I will never forget that feeling of longing to be engaged to the one I loved. So I see nothing wrong with bubbles post. She was feeling disappointed that she could not share her engagement over the holidays with friends and family, and I can 100% relate to that. The other viewpoints could have been written positively: "Don''t worry, bubbles, once you are engaged and eventually married, all these memories of heartache will fade away. So enjoy these days knowing that a proposal is in the works!" I just don''t see any reason anything harsher needed to be said. I rarely even come to this board because I have been married a long time, but I really empathize with the girls when they have disappointment.

 

[CrookedRock]

Date: 12/31/2007 6:21:11 PM
Author: HollyS
KimberlyH, thank you. I think that pretty much sums it up for me.

I want bluebubbles to be happy that she is at this point in her relationship; to enjoy every aspect of it; to realize that it will be wonderful, no matter when it occurs. Living in the moment, rather than overthinking the future. The future will be here before she knows it, and in the blink of an eye, it will become the past. This is her personal history she is living; it would be so much better for her to remember it as a joyous time in her life.

Holly this post is great! I only wish your first post in this thread was as helpful and elegant.

 

[CrookedRock]

Date: 1/1/2008 10:52:21 AM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Miss Erin, I just wanted to comment on how kind and encouraging your posts are! I think when someone comes here upset, we do need to be sensitive to that and provide comfort and understanding unless they are really misguided. I have been married a looooong time, but I will never forget that feeling of longing to be engaged to the one I loved. So I see nothing wrong with bubbles post. She was feeling disappointed that she could not share her engagement over the holidays with friends and family, and I can 100% relate to that. The other viewpoints could have been written positively: ''Don''t worry, bubbles, once you are engaged and eventually married, all these memories of heartache will fade away. So enjoy these days knowing that a proposal is in the works!'' I just don''t see any reason anything harsher needed to be said. I rarely even come to this board because I have been married a long time, but I really empathize with the girls when they have disappointment.

I so agree with you about Erin! She is a breath of fresh air, and I only wish she was closer bc people like this are hard to find. Erin thank you truly for being so positive no matter what the situation is! And you are absolutely right in saying that the posts could have been more positive, and that was my point from the get go!

 

[bam2k]

Hi Blue,

I know others have focused on your feelings in your post.

Here is what I heard, your boyfriend is ready to get married now, he wanted to go ring shopping. When the jeweler called with a stone that appeared to be a good match-you and your boyfriend agreed that is was good.

What great progress even though you are be tortured right now. Based on your bf talking about wanting to be married, have you talked about a short or long engagement?
The not having the ring on your finger is a bummer. I hope that your bf wants to make it special for the two of you.

Bam2k

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/31/2007 8:30:56 PM
Author: honey22

Date: 12/31/2007 1:43:25 PM
Author: HollyS
You''re disappointed enough to ''cry myself to sleep'' just because the proposal wasn''t in 2007??

You cried yourself to sleep and you''re 30-something??

And, last I checked, 2007 is still here, and will be until midnight.

I''m sorry Holly I sure don''t like to cause waves but I don''t really like the tone you have taken here. I absolutely see your point, but this comes accross a little sarcastic and condesending. I think here ladies feel they can have a bit of support from others going through the same thing. Maybe you havn''t felt the same way during your time as a LIW, but some of us havn''t had an easy time, and there have been several times I too have cried over various aspects of our relationship. Crying is a healthy way of expressing our emotions, I would say much better than getting into a massive barney with SO. I always feel better after a good bawl. As far as your apparent shock of a 30 something crying themselves to sleep, I am a little suprised. At what age does emotive issues stop upsetting someone? I don''t ever want to get to an age that I stop feeling.

I''m all about tough love...that''s no secret, but I agree that the LIW is a unique forum in that waiting is often accompanied by angst. I never had to wait for a proposal, but I certainly know what it''s like to wait and want to be with someone...so much that it consumes you and you ache.

So yes, I do believe that this forum is for all kinds of opinions, so here''s mine:

I always feel better after a good cry.

I would rather cry myself to sleep instead of crying and bluthering in front of others.

I will cry myself to sleep if needed for many years to come, as hurt and pain come at any age.

In other words, I agree with honey.

 

[Haven]

Date: 1/1/2008 7:05:14 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/31/2007 8:30:56 PM

Author: honey22

Date: 12/31/2007 1:43:25 PM

Author: HollyS

You''re disappointed enough to ''cry myself to sleep'' just because the proposal wasn''t in 2007??


You cried yourself to sleep and you''re 30-something??


And, last I checked, 2007 is still here, and will be until midnight.

I''m sorry Holly I sure don''t like to cause waves but I don''t really like the tone you have taken here. I absolutely see your point, but this comes accross a little sarcastic and condesending. I think here ladies feel they can have a bit of support from others going through the same thing. Maybe you havn''t felt the same way during your time as a LIW, but some of us havn''t had an easy time, and there have been several times I too have cried over various aspects of our relationship. Crying is a healthy way of expressing our emotions, I would say much better than getting into a massive barney with SO. I always feel better after a good bawl. As far as your apparent shock of a 30 something crying themselves to sleep, I am a little suprised. At what age does emotive issues stop upsetting someone? I don''t ever want to get to an age that I stop feeling.

I''m all about tough love...that''s no secret, but I agree that the LIW is a unique forum in that waiting is often accompanied by angst. I never had to wait for a proposal, but I certainly know what it''s like to wait and want to be with someone...so much that it consumes you and you ache.


So yes, I do believe that this forum is for all kinds of opinions, so here''s mine:


I always feel better after a good cry.


I would rather cry myself to sleep instead of crying and bluthering in front of others.


I will cry myself to sleep if needed for many years to come, as hurt and pain come at any age.


In other words, I agree with honey.

What TGal said, as usual.

I''ve been there, Bluebubbles, and I know how tough it can be to want something so very badly that the wait seems painful. I hope you had a wonderful NYE celebration, and that you and your BF can come to an agreement about where your relationship is going.

I also hope that you weren''t scared off and still feel like you can come to the LIW forum for some support. I got a lot of support from my fellow LsIW during my uncharacteristically weak moments when I was a LIW. It was wonderful to have a place to come and vent on PS, and I assure you that I was never met with condescension or sarcasm from anyone. PS is, in general, a very warm place with very kind members who are not quick to judge. I hope you stay a bit longer, and keep us posted.

 

[Delster]

I was actually surprised by the comment directed at "all LIW" and thought the overall tone of that post was condescending rather than helpful. So suffice to say I also agree with honey22, and that I agree with all of the posts (including HollyS''s most recent one) about enjoying this part of your relationship and savouring the moment.

Bluebubbles - I also saw the red flags that Surfgirl did. How are things now? Hope you are doing better...

 

[HollyS]

Date: 12/31/2007 8:30:56 PM
Author: honey22

Date: 12/31/2007 1:43:25 PM
Author: HollyS
You''re disappointed enough to ''cry myself to sleep'' just because the proposal wasn''t in 2007??

You cried yourself to sleep and you''re 30-something??

And, last I checked, 2007 is still here, and will be until midnight.

I''m sorry Holly I sure don''t like to cause waves but I don''t really like the tone you have taken here. I absolutely see your point, but this comes accross a little sarcastic and condesending. I think here ladies feel they can have a bit of support from others going through the same thing. Maybe you havn''t felt the same way during your time as a LIW, but some of us havn''t had an easy time, and there have been several times I too have cried over various aspects of our relationship. Crying is a healthy way of expressing our emotions, I would say much better than getting into a massive barney with SO. I always feel better after a good bawl. As far as your apparent shock of a 30 something crying themselves to sleep, I am a little suprised. At what age does emotive issues stop upsetting someone? I don''t ever want to get to an age that I stop feeling.

There is nothing healthy, good, or even cathartic about a 30-something woman crying because her BF didn''t pop the question before 2007 ended. It''s needless drama that won''t help her either be happy now or plan her future on her own terms. Having lived through my 20s, 30s, and most of my 40s, I believe I have a lot of life experience that gives me quite a bit of insight into dealing with heartache, loss, etc.

Surfgirl, once again, is the very voice of reason as she points out the real issues. Everybody on this forum needs to read and reread her post. If it could easily apply to your situation, take heed to her advice.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Everyone has an opinion, and that''s exactly what you get when you post in a public forum asking for advice.

I can relate to bluebubbles, as I felt the same discouragement that I wasn''t engaged by 2008. Even if I didn''t, I wouldn''t insinuate that it''s unhealthy for her to feel that way. Feelings are just that - feelings. And no one can tell you how to feel or that it''s wrong to feel that way. She was coming here for advice, and a lot was given to her.

The best thing for any LIW is to realize that it will be happening soon - but it is hard for someone who isn''t waiting to understand. There are gut-wrenching days where you want to explode because you''re tired of waiting, and that''s what''s great about this forum, that all LIW''s understand what you''re going through, and it''s a place to come to when you want support. It''s especially difficult hoping and anticipating - just to feel like you''re let down, even if it is your own thinking.

It''s perfectly normal to cry about it, as it can be overwhelming and exciting all at the same time. I don''t think she''s not enjoying this time - but the post was probably written at a bad time when she was very emotional about it, and probably didn''t mean to demean her relationship as others have suggested. Everyone has those days, because none of us, SO''s or LIWs and in between - are perfect.

Bluebubbles, I wish you the best, and that it happens soon. I''m in your boat of waiting rather impatiently, and I know how you feel. Best of luck to you - and all of the other LIW''s.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 1/2/2008 10:14:08 AM
Author: sweetjettagirl04
Everyone has an opinion, and that''s exactly what you get when you post in a public forum asking for advice.


I can relate to bluebubbles, as I felt the same discouragement that I wasn''t engaged by 2008. Even if I didn''t, I wouldn''t insinuate that it''s unhealthy for her to feel that way. Feelings are just that - feelings. And no one can tell you how to feel or that it''s wrong to feel that way. She was coming here for advice, and a lot was given to her.


The best thing for any LIW is to realize that it will be happening soon - but it is hard for someone who isn''t waiting to understand. There are gut-wrenching days where you want to explode because you''re tired of waiting, and that''s what''s great about this forum, that all LIW''s understand what you''re going through, and it''s a place to come to when you want support. It''s especially difficult hoping and anticipating - just to feel like you''re let down, even if it is your own thinking.


It''s perfectly normal to cry about it, as it can be overwhelming and exciting all at the same time. I don''t think she''s not enjoying this time - but the post was probably written at a bad time when she was very emotional about it, and probably didn''t mean to demean her relationship as others have suggested. Everyone has those days, because none of us, SO''s or LIWs and in between - are perfect.


Bluebubbles, I wish you the best, and that it happens soon. I''m in your boat of waiting rather impatiently, and I know how you feel. Best of luck to you - and all of the other LIW''s.

Hear hear!! Very nicely said SJG!!

 

[MissErin]

Hi again ladies!! I just wanted to come on here for 3 different reasons...

1) I wanted to thank both DiamondSweeker2006 and CrookedRock for the sweet things they said about me and my postings. I really write them because it''s how I feel and I try not to step on anyones toes. We all can get hurt, and there is no sense in pushing that upon one another. We are all friends here, whether we agree or disagree.

2) BlueBubbles - how are you hun?? I haven''t seen you post since New Years Eve and I hope you''re doing ok. So please let us all know you''re doing well. I''m sure you are feeling stonger now and things may be a little bit easier to see now. And remember, it''s the start of a BRAND NEW year. And he knows that too... Starts can bring things like shinny engagment rings to YOU!! hehe (((hugs)))

3) Holly - I was so impressed with your post about just wanting her to know that this is just one moment in time, and that you hope for the best for her in the long run. But then I read the recent post and it made me a little sad again... I think you may be forgetting that in various stages of life we all have things to learn and grow from. You wouldn''t do or say ALL the things that you did in your 20''s or 30''s right?? It''s because with your age came growth. My mom always tells me, "Erin, don''t sweat the small stuff" but I still do. Not like I used to but here and there I do. It''s something I had to learn how to do with time, maturity, and growth. It''s not an overnight process. I know you mean well with your advice but try to reflect on the idea that everyone needs to learn and grow at their own pace. Basically all I am saying is that depending on the experiences one has, they will act the only way they know how. It''s not a bad thing at all. We are who we are because of what our lives have encountered.

Well that''s enough babbling for now. hehe Hope all of you are doing well and I can''t wait to hear from you BlueBubbles!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/2/2008 9:48:47 AM
Author: HollyS

There is nothing healthy, good, or even cathartic about a 30-something woman crying because her BF didn''t pop the question before 2007 ended. It''s needless drama that won''t help her either be happy now or plan her future on her own terms. Having lived through my 20s, 30s, and most of my 40s, I believe I have a lot of life experience that gives me quite a bit of insight into dealing with heartache, loss, etc.

Surfgirl, once again, is the very voice of reason as she points out the real issues. Everybody on this forum needs to read and reread her post. If it could easily apply to your situation, take heed to her advice.

Holly, normally I think you are quite reasonable, but I respectfully disagree with your post. To say that is nothing healthy or cathartic about a good cry when you are just feeling sh*tty (and is there ever really a way to control how you FEEL? I know there are ways to control responses to feelings, but the actual emotions themselves...well...) just shows me that while you have lived through your 20''s, 30''s and most of your 40''s, you may still have more to learn about other people.

Not EVERYONE handles life the same way, and outlets that are good for some are not good for others. It would be great if we could all handle disappointment in a "mature" manner, or better yet, set expectations so that we are not disappointed to begin with. But for some, a good cry to sleep IS cathartic and definitely helps you feel better in the morning, hopefully after waking up with a fresh perspective.

 

[MissErin]

Date: 1/2/2008 4:23:02 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/2/2008 9:48:47 AM
Author: HollyS

There is nothing healthy, good, or even cathartic about a 30-something woman crying because her BF didn''t pop the question before 2007 ended. It''s needless drama that won''t help her either be happy now or plan her future on her own terms. Having lived through my 20s, 30s, and most of my 40s, I believe I have a lot of life experience that gives me quite a bit of insight into dealing with heartache, loss, etc.

Surfgirl, once again, is the very voice of reason as she points out the real issues. Everybody on this forum needs to read and reread her post. If it could easily apply to your situation, take heed to her advice.

Holly, normally I think you are quite reasonable, but I respectfully disagree with your post. To say that is nothing healthy or cathartic about a good cry when you are just feeling sh*tty (and is there ever really a way to control how you FEEL? I know there are ways to control responses to feelings, but the actual emotions themselves...well...) just shows me that while you have lived through your 20''s, 30''s and most of your 40''s, you may still have more to learn about other people.

Not EVERYONE handles life the same way, and outlets that are good for some are not good for others. It would be great if we could all handle disappointment in a ''mature'' manner, or better yet, set expectations so that we are not disappointed to begin with. But for some, a good cry to sleep IS cathartic and definitely helps you feel better in the morning, hopefully after waking up with a fresh perspective.

Well said!! It is one of the most important things in life to remember that everyone is different in every part of their life. Being aware of that help mature us in numerous ways. Wonderful words TravelingGal!!

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/2/2008 4:23:02 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/2/2008 9:48:47 AM

Author: HollyS


There is nothing healthy, good, or even cathartic about a 30-something woman crying because her BF didn''t pop the question before 2007 ended. It''s needless drama that won''t help her either be happy now or plan her future on her own terms. Having lived through my 20s, 30s, and most of my 40s, I believe I have a lot of life experience that gives me quite a bit of insight into dealing with heartache, loss, etc.


Surfgirl, once again, is the very voice of reason as she points out the real issues. Everybody on this forum needs to read and reread her post. If it could easily apply to your situation, take heed to her advice.

Holly, normally I think you are quite reasonable, but I respectfully disagree with your post. To say that is nothing healthy or cathartic about a good cry when you are just feeling sh*tty (and is there ever really a way to control how you FEEL? I know there are ways to control responses to feelings, but the actual emotions themselves...well...) just shows me that while you have lived through your 20''s, 30''s and most of your 40''s, you may still have more to learn about other people.


Not EVERYONE handles life the same way, and outlets that are good for some are not good for others. It would be great if we could all handle disappointment in a ''mature'' manner, or better yet, set expectations so that we are not disappointed to begin with. But for some, a good cry to sleep IS cathartic and definitely helps you feel better in the morning, hopefully after waking up with a fresh perspective.

Totally agree with you TGal (as usual

).

 

[HollyS]

Date: 1/2/2008 4:23:02 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/2/2008 9:48:47 AM
Author: HollyS

There is nothing healthy, good, or even cathartic about a 30-something woman crying because her BF didn''t pop the question before 2007 ended. It''s needless drama that won''t help her either be happy now or plan her future on her own terms. Having lived through my 20s, 30s, and most of my 40s, I believe I have a lot of life experience that gives me quite a bit of insight into dealing with heartache, loss, etc.

Surfgirl, once again, is the very voice of reason as she points out the real issues. Everybody on this forum needs to read and reread her post. If it could easily apply to your situation, take heed to her advice.

Holly, normally I think you are quite reasonable, but I respectfully disagree with your post. To say that is nothing healthy or cathartic about a good cry when you are just feeling sh*tty (and is there ever really a way to control how you FEEL? I know there are ways to control responses to feelings, but the actual emotions themselves...well...) just shows me that while you have lived through your 20''s, 30''s and most of your 40''s, you may still have more to learn about other people.

Not EVERYONE handles life the same way, and outlets that are good for some are not good for others. It would be great if we could all handle disappointment in a ''mature'' manner, or better yet, set expectations so that we are not disappointed to begin with. But for some, a good cry to sleep IS cathartic and definitely helps you feel better in the morning, hopefully after waking up with a fresh perspective.

I never said a good cry wasn''t something we all sometimes need. I said a 30+ woman should not be crying herself to sleep because her BF had not proposed in 2007. Which is the exact reason she gave for crying herself to sleep. This particular instance seems very counterproductive in light of other information she imparted in the same original post; it is not my contention that crying is never okay.

Bluebubbles, I''m sorry we''ve gone on and on about your situation. I bear a good deal of responsibility for this, and I apologize. I hope that you''ve been able to take some advice from several posters here and are maybe seeing your problem in a different light, with a brighter frame of mind. Whether all of us at PS can agree on how to advise/console/and bolster is another subject entirely

; but we do agree that we wish you only the best.

I''m going to stop blabbing and blabbing about your post; I have said what I felt was important; and I sincerely hope that it made some sense to you instead of merely seeming harsh.

 

[MissErin]

Date: 1/2/2008 6:46:46 PM
Author: HollyS

Bluebubbles, I''m sorry we''ve gone on and on about your situation. I bear a good deal of responsibility for this, and I apologize. I hope that you''ve been able to take some advice from several posters here and are maybe seeing your problem in a different light, with a brighter frame of mind. Whether all of us at PS can agree on how to advise/console/and bolster is another subject entirely

; but we do agree that we wish you only the best.

I''m going to stop blabbing and blabbing about your post; I have said what I felt was important; and I sincerely hope that it made some sense to you instead of merely seeming harsh.

Here it is - the reason I know Holly is an amazing lady with the biggest heart. Sometimes we all slip and say things we may or may not mean, but in the end, our true intentions shine through. This is Holly with her true intentions. Beautiful!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/2/2008 6:46:46 PM
Author: HollyS

I never said a good cry wasn''t something we all sometimes need. I said a 30+ woman should not be crying herself to sleep because her BF had not proposed in 2007. Which is the exact reason she gave for crying herself to sleep. This particular instance seems very counterproductive in light of other information she imparted in the same original post; it is not my contention that crying is never okay.

I guess I was reading between the lines. She was crying because she was DISAPPOINTED. A perfect legit reason to cry, IMHO.

I think all of us have been guilty at some point in our lives of putting arbitrary deadlines in our minds about certain things. I know tons of women who want to get married and have kids by age 30. Huh? Why 30? We don''t shrivel up when we hit the big 3-0. Likewise, while a 2007 proposal may seem like an unimportant deadline to some, but who knows why these random dates become so weirdly important to us? Very long dark tunnels are scary, and we want to see a light that''s not a train. You hope it''s coming to an end, and then POOF! More tunnel. Women are strange cats.

And Holly, I don''t think you sounded harsh...I think you sounded a bit cranky.

Which is something that affects a few of us (yes, I am including myself) around here who are no longer in our 20s....

But I do think you meant well.