Not sure if there''s anything I can do about this

[zoebartlett]

I'm torn and I'd love to hear others' opinions on what, if anything, I can do. My FI's parents have been pretty hands off in terms of planning. They're contributing financially but the majority will fall to my parents. My FI and I have also taken on certain things that we're paying for on our own.

My FILs haven't had any opinions about what we've planned so far -- whatever we wanted was fine by them. I've had a few conversations about the guest list with my FILs and they've never added anyone to their side until recently. I don't mind them adding people, and in fact, I've always thought that it was VERY lopsided, so I'm happy to have their side increase. The only problem this poses is that we've already decided on the menu (my parents, my FI, and me). The number of people my FILs want to add will likely increase the food portion of the reception by roughly $1000. If we had known what the likely total guest list would be BEFORE we met with the coordinators of our venue and decided on our menu, we very well could have picked less expensive choices.

I guess the situation is what it is and I'm not sure there's anything I can do. I just feel bad for my parents, who are already taking on most of the wedding costs. There's no way I can mention anything to my FILs about this without coming off as very rude and I don't want to do that. I offered to pay my parents for the additional people but they said they'd take care of it. I'm trying not to be annoyed at how clueless my FI's parents have been about planning a wedding but it's really getting hard.

Is there anything I can do?

ETA: We're also having an open bar, based on consumption. This will add to the bill as well.

I really don't mean to sound rude about all of this, and maybe we should have been more clear that we needed to know if my FILs wanted to add anyone before we had our meeting. I was just assuming that since they had always said no, that would still be the case. ugh.

 

[FrekeChild]

That is a sticky situation Zoe. I hope some people chime in with what they've done, because I'm sure its happened before. I think if I were in your position I'd probably start saving and then pay for something else that's worth at least $1000, so that they don't have to pay for it. I can't fathom going to the FILs and asking them to add more $$$ because I can't imagine that would go off well. Could you go back to the caterers and change your food choices?

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Wow I can''t wait to see what people say because I could end up in this situation. FI has a huge family and I don''t, so his family is going to dominate the guest list which isn''t exactly fair if they keep adding and adding and adding.

 

[surfgirl]

when is your wedding? it''s not for a while yet, right? Cant you change your menu selection to make up the $1000 difference by changing your choices?

If not, then I think it''s up to your FI to talk to his parents alone, and explain that certain planning has already taken place and deposits have been made and that adding X amount of guests will mean adding $1000 to the budget. Do they have the money to cover that? If not, then I''d say your FI needs to let his parents know that the extra money will be covered by either you or your parents but that there cannot be any additional last minute changes because the wheels are in motion. I think an "I wish we would have known soon so we could have figured this into the budget" conversation is totally reasonable. You dont want them to feel obligated to cough up $1000 if they cannot afford it. But if they can afford it, they should cover the extra cost, IMO. And they clearly from the start have not really understood what goes into planning a wedding so it''s never too late to educate them on how complex it all is...

 

[zoebartlett]

Surfgirl, you''re right, our wedding''s not for a while -- July. It is a tricky situation because after all (as my FI just pointed out to me), it''s been mostly MY parents who have increased the guest list by so many people up until just recently. If my parents are unhappy with how many people they''ll have to pay for, they should have taken that into consideration before adding to our original list of 80. He''s right and I do recognize that. I do want to add that I''m the one making ths into a bigger deal than maybe it needs to be -- my parents are dealing okay. We probably could change the menu but I''m pretty sure my parents won''t want to and they''ll just be gracious and pay whatever extra they need to without making waves.

I thought of asking my FI to talk to his parents about how we wish we would have known...but I think that would just make it awkward for everyone. This is probably something I''ll just vent about here (and to my FI) and then I''ll be done with it. Thanks for "listening!"

 

[monarch64]

I''m thinking you can still change your menu...you may only be able to bring costs down by a few hundred bucks but that''s better than nothing. This is certainly a difficult situation, but you''re just going to have to deal with it as best you can at this point. It sounds like your parents are willing to take care of the additional costs, so other being annoyed and trying to get the menu tweaked a bit to bring the cost down, I don''t think there''s really much you can do.

We changed our menu about 10 days before our wedding. It brought costs down significantly, but the glitch was that we had to meet a minimum so ended up adding something else anyway (can''t remember what, though). My point is that it shouldn''t be too big of a deal to change the menu. Best of luck in this situation, Zoe. Sorry to hear that a little rain has fallen on your wedding parade, dear!

 

[cara]

You have offered to help your parents with the extra cost but they have declined. You don''t feel comfortable going back to your FILs dunning for more money but feel bad for your parents putting out so much dough. You wish your FILs weren''t clueless about the whole wedding thing but are actually glad they asked for more invites to keep things from getting too lopsided (presumably towards your family.)

Seems like you are being awfully passive here and yet lamenting the results???

If you really don''t like the situation, you could try one of the following:

1) Politely telling your parents that there is no way they are covering the extra guests after they discover the envelope of $1000 cash that you left with them.

2) Politely sit down with the inlaws, and have your FI explain a bit of the financing to them, and ask if they can increase their contribution to cover the additional guests. Emphasize that you want to invite these people, but that you had not budgeted for them since they were added rather late in the process. If they are clueless, then you must educate them, and give them a chance at redemption.

3) Insist that you change your menu selections to return the overall costs to the original budget. BUT, and this is a big but:

Your parents are adults and seem to be acting as the traditional-style hosts of this event. Which ultimately means that they get to make decisions such as sticking to the more expensive menu or accommodating your slightly clueless in-laws. And thus your role is to let your grown-up parents make their own decision on the matter without feeling guilty; and to take a more proactive role in heading off future clueless errors by the FILs.

Such as bringing up the rehearsal dinner, explaining that it is typically hosted by the groom''s parents, and directly asking them if they want to arrange and pay for it. My MIL, who had said she would "take care of the rehearsal" and had chosen the restaurant, signed the contract, and ordered flowers for it, asked "who is paying for this" a week before the wedding. Needless to say, I regretted not being more direct with her earlier for fear of offending her or having some uncomfortable conversation.

 

[surfgirl]

Okay, now that I realize your parents added way more people and the FI''s parents took a long time to figure out who they wanted to invite, it makes sense and I agree with cara''s comments. I think you should discuss then with your parents that since they''ve got so many people coming, can you chip in for THEIR extra people. I assume they''ll decline because as cara said, they appear to be able to handle the costs and want to be the traditional wedding hosts, costs included. Good for them and lucky for you! I cannot remember about your RD, are you having one and is it you whose FILs dont want to do anything for it? If so, are you paying for that? If so, I''d just let the extra costs be if you''re already paying for your RD...your parents seem fine with it all and I dont see any issues really.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 2/21/2008 9:06:36 PM
Author: cara
You have offered to help your parents with the extra cost but they have declined. You don't feel comfortable going back to your FILs dunning for more money but feel bad for your parents putting out so much dough. You wish your FILs weren't clueless about the whole wedding thing but are actually glad they asked for more invites to keep things from getting too lopsided (presumably towards your family.)

Seems like you are being awfully passive here and yet lamenting the results???

If you really don't like the situation, you could try one of the following:

1) Politely telling your parents that there is no way they are covering the extra guests after they discover the envelope of $1000 cash that you left with them.

2) Politely sit down with the inlaws, and have your FI explain a bit of the financing to them, and ask if they can increase their contribution to cover the additional guests. Emphasize that you want to invite these people, but that you had not budgeted for them since they were added rather late in the process. If they are clueless, then you must educate them, and give them a chance at redemption.

3) Insist that you change your menu selections to return the overall costs to the original budget. BUT, and this is a big but:

Your parents are adults and seem to be acting as the traditional-style hosts of this event. Which ultimately means that they get to make decisions such as sticking to the more expensive menu or accommodating your slightly clueless in-laws. And thus your role is to let your grown-up parents make their own decision on the matter without feeling guilty; and to take a more proactive role in heading off future clueless errors by the FILs.

Such as bringing up the rehearsal dinner, explaining that it is typically hosted by the groom's parents, and directly asking them if they want to arrange and pay for it. My MIL, who had said she would 'take care of the rehearsal' and had chosen the restaurant, signed the contract, and ordered flowers for it, asked 'who is paying for this' a week before the wedding. Needless to say, I regretted not being more direct with her earlier for fear of offending her or having some uncomfortable conversation.

Yeah, I see what you're saying. My FILs always had the opinion that it was our wedding and they didn't have anyone else to add. They were happy with the list as it was originally. It wasn't until after certain costs were figured out that they decided to add to the list. I don't think the additional cost involved occurred to them. That got me frustrated. Maybe not rightfully so but that's how I feel. We should have been more upfront and told them before we met with the coordinators that if they were planning on adding anyone, we needed to know before our appointment. So lesson learned -- be more direct (although at the time, I thought I was) and not moan about something that could have potentially been avoided from the start.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 2/21/2008 9:30:22 PM
Author: surfgirl
Okay, now that I realize your parents added way more people and the FI''s parents took a long time to figure out who they wanted to invite, it makes sense and I agree with cara''s comments. I think you should discuss then with your parents that since they''ve got so many people coming, can you chip in for THEIR extra people. I assume they''ll decline because as cara said, they appear to be able to handle the costs and want to be the traditional wedding hosts, costs included. Good for them and lucky for you! I cannot remember about your RD, are you having one and is it you whose FILs dont want to do anything for it? If so, are you paying for that? If so, I''d just let the extra costs be if you''re already paying for your RD...your parents seem fine with it all and I dont see any issues really.

You''re right -- lucky for us that my parents are being as generous as they are (and that my FI''s parents are contributing as well). Really, I see now that I shouldn''t be complaining.

Yes, we are having a RD and yes, it''s my FILs who, according to them, "don''t know anything about planning this type of thing." Given this statement, my FI and I are planning the RD. As for who''s paying for what, my FI''s parents have been giving us installments which we''re depositing into the bank. Whenever it comes time to pay a vendor, we use the money from that account (which includes a large chuck of what my FI and I have saved). So yeah, I suppose my FI''s parents could have already paid for their share of the extra guests. I hadn''t looked at it that way before.

I''m really not trying to be passive or selfish but maybe I''ve been both recently. Oops.