PS Mommy Thread-Newborn to 12 months!

[taovandel]

Sabine, excellent post!

My husband hasn''t fed E oatmeal yet because he says he doesn''t think he will be able to do it as good as me (I make it fun and can handle Evan stuffing his hands in his mouth and rubbing his feet and being covered in oatmeal and all of that type of stuff). It isn''t a matter of being as good as someone else, it''s about getting your own parenting style and just being able to try it.

 

[taovandel]

What do we have here!!!

 

[fieryred33143]

Yay Evan!! Awe he''s so cute and getting so big! That''s awesome. Sitting is a lot of fun

 

[fieryred33143]

Ginger-A is seriously an adorable baby! Love that little face!

Sabine-Agreed. My grandfather is 80 and has been married to my grandmother for 61 years. They had 7 children. Something he always says to all of his grandchildren and now great grandchildren is that you can have many fathers but only one mother. Sounds kind of side-eye worthy but what he would explain is that the things a mom does for her own child is something that can''t be replaced or mimicked. He was always a very hands-on dad but said that he could never do things the way my grandmother could with the kids. He would always tell all of the guys to appreciate the mother of their children and tell all the girls to never stay with a man that doesn''t appreciate all that you do. Even at 80, he still gives the same advice.

Funny, I worshiped the ground my dad walked on. In my eyes he could do no wrong. Now that I have DD my mom and I share "war" stories. My mom has never and probably would never say anything bad about my dad but in hearing her stories I realized that my mom had a lot of challenges being a SAHM with 3 children. I always felt like my dad helped out a lot and in some ways he did (for ex he always took over house cleaning and cooking on the weekends) but I also realized that he was more hands on with ME because I was older. I was 7 when my first brother was born and 8 when the second was born. Now that I look back at things, I spent a lot of time outside of the house with my dad and without my mom and brothers and realized that my mom must have had a really hard time taking care of a newborn and a toddler all by herself. He didn''t come back from Korea where he was stationed until I was about 6-8 months old either. I asked my mom once if dad ever helped with the boys when they were babies and she just smiled and said "your dad was a wonderful man who loved all of us very much but didn''t love dirty diapers or waking up." Made me appreciate her a lot more.
****

Sophia woke up at 8 today! Late morning. R slept in but at 10 put her down for a nap so that I could take a nap. Obviously I''m not doing that but I am pretending haha!

 

[sunkist]

Thanks for your post, Sabine! I think we all need to hear stuff like that, cause we think no one else suffers the same hardships as we do. /but if we could really see into others lives, there are so many similarities. Thanks!

Hi All!! I''m here!

Been out of town for a while and came back and Wes promptly got sick.

He had a cold and I was afraid the airplane ride had shoved it back into his ears and given him an infection, just cause he was in so much pain. So i made a doctors appt, but she didnt diagnose anything except dirty ears....

She said if his fever continues over the weekend and I want him rechecked next week to come back. So we''re just toughing it out here at home!

Then I let him sleep with me last night unswaddled, I woke up this morning to see his forehead all bloody!! He had scratched it up in his sleep! Luckily when I washed him up it wasnt as bad as it had looked, but the poor guy looks and feels awful miserable

 

[anchor31]

Robbie - Welcome back! I'm glad you could figure this out so you can do what makes you happy.

PG - I probably would be kind of offended to be told this. I thought sitting up should be expected more around the 6 months mark?

Pandora - Your cleaning lady sounds like a PITA!

Sabine - I found your post interesting. To me however, it seems like that is not what's happening in our home. DH is a natural at taking care of Jacob (perhaps even more so than me!) and it often feels like he's much better at being a dad than a husband, which is where our issues come from. I also must say that I don't believe in a mother's instinct. If it does exist, I don't have one. I had to be told everything I know about babyrearing.



Jacob is doing well. We went for a follow-up test on Thursday and everything is a-okay. I have to keep giving him some medicine in case he has reflux between his kidney and bladder, and I wonder if it's giving his tummy aches... We've had a lot more screaming than usual this week.

He went down late last night, but he did his first 8 hours straight of sleep! I was pretty happy about that.

Question: Does anyone know of an online store like babymall.com that doesn't charge 55$ for shipping to Canada? I'm looking for inexpensive (10$-ish) 5-packs of onesies for Jacob and for my niece/nephew-to-be and am currently car-less, so it's a bit of a hassle.

Here's my (late) contribution to BPF! First, a funny shot when DH pretended to put Jacob in a box last weekend (we started packing to move into our house).

 

[anchor31]

sunkist - Sorry Wes is sick!

My second pic for BFP is one DH took yesterday... Happy little man (a couple of hours before a total scream-fest) wearing his "I love my mommy/Je t''aime maman" bib.

 

[sunkist]

Oh Anchor, Jacob is so cute!! I hope he continues to be better too! Your comment re: mothering instinct is so interesting. I wonder if it has to do with what you learned growing up. I am the middle child of 5 and I loved babysitting when I was young. Maybe our "instinct" is really learned???

 

[sunkist]

Tao I cant believe E is sitting up!!

yayyy

 

[Sha]

Loving all the baby pics!!

robbie - welcome back!

Sabine - Agreed! I think lot of it is trial and error as well. Since most of us moms take care of our LO's more, we have more opportunity to learn how to do things right, whereas our DH's don't have the benefit of that time and experience. I can tell which of Dalila's cries is a hungry cry, a tired cry, a just-fussy cry, just from hearing them so often during the day - so when my DH swoops her up to soothe her I can pretty much tell if she'll stop crying or not. I've learnt how to bathe her efficiently, and the best way to put her in her crib so that she doesn't wake up. It wasn't like that at first - I learnt by making mistakes along the way. Your DH will too, although it can be frustrating for mistakes to be made when you already feel like you know 'the right way' to do things, and especially when it costs you wasted time/effort. I agree with allowing him to do things 'his way' for now, though - the more he has a chance to do things the more efficient he'll become in the long run.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Ginger, love the pics! Seriously! I wish Claire had a little more sass.

Tao, I'm trying not to be totally jealous! Claire and I have been doing "sitting up homework" all weekend. I put her between my legs on the floor and inched my thighs away from her until I wasn't touching her, and she stayed stable for a couple of seconds, so that's progress! Then she lurched over onto my leg and couldn't get back up, but that didn't stop her from playing with her toy contentedly, my sweet girl.

So DH is away until tomorrow night for a surprise party for his brother. This morning he ran the 10K that I crapped out on. It's a lot of away time, but I'm trying to remain positive/sane. I ran out to do a big grocery trip before he left for the airport this morning, and he told me very magnanimously that I should "take my time" and "relax" during my time at the grocery store, as though he were sending me off on a spa day or something. I just looked at him like, "Oh please." But actually, hanging out with my sweet girl by myself is fun. The hard part will be tonight when I'm on the hook to wake up each time she cries . . . I guess I should really appreciate DH because he gets up for her 95% of the time (even when I get up to feed her he gets her ready first).

So, what movie should I watch tonight? Meet the Morgans? The Blind Side? Should I eat left-overs, or get take-out down the block? Chinese or Italian? Should I give Claire a dream-feed, or just let her sleep as she will (she's already eaten 5x today at 5 p.m.)? So much to decide when one is on her own!

OK, off to pump . . . that's my big goal this weekend, to get back on top of the milk. I hope I get a good draw after she's in bed because I've only been getting an ounce or so in between feeds.

 

[taovandel]

PG: Don''t be jealous! That was probably his longest sitting up of the day. The rest of the day it was literally like 2 seconds before he toppled over. The picture I posted was maybe 15 seconds. He did sit up in my lap at my moms for nearly 30 seconds...it was pretty great. We''ve been trying for a while now to get him to sit up...holding him by his hands a lot that type of thing. I was feeding him this morning and he sorta leaned forward a bit in my lap trying to get to the bottle faster and I was like, "Maybe he can do it now!?" and whoop it happened! It''s also kinda a sad moment---he''s getting so big and old!!

 

[Mara]

ginger love the fauxhawk and the precious moments pose ..awww!!!

tao YAY for sitting up. E looks so cute.

burk i am totally wondering i have vasospasms in my left boob! i googled it and read up on it a bit... and now i am wondering if the pump tubes being a little too small (particularly on the left one) for my nips is causing the constriction and pain. i have been putting dry heat and taking it easier on the pump (which leads to less milk being extracted which sucks because it hurts in a diff way then and my production suffers!) so i guess i should finally just get a larger tube set to see if that''s it. but OW...yes it friggin hurts. it actually feels better when J feeds on that side (though at first when he latches on it is excruciating!) because his latch is good and he can drain it more effectively than the pump.

sunkist poor kid...awww!!! i hope he feels better soon and the scratches heal up fast.

sabine i''m glad you and your DH had a meeting of minds when it comes to the care. personally i think it is VERY hard for the dads to understand what the women go through from hormones to physical issues, breastfeeding, birth, etc. sometimes your temper is hanging on by a string! but i am of the belief that a dad SHOULD BE able to do anything a mom does. i tell Greg that if i died tomorrow that he would need to be mother and father to J and that is how it should be. sure i am BF''ing him, but if i was gone he would be fine on formula. and anyone can change diapers, learn to soothe a baby when they are crying etc. it actually bugs me when people say things like ''you''re the mom SO ''insert reason why you should somehow be smarter/better at ''insert kid item here''''''. like anchor, i didn''t feel like i was naturally suited for parenthood, and it all kind of had to be ''learned''. the first few weeks we all were learning and now i only ''know more'' because i am with him all day long in and out and G is not. i make a concerted effort to show and teach G the things that i have learned. and if he doesn''t want to do it that way, he doesn''t have to. J will be fine, and G might have to struggle a bit with him to find his own tips and tricks for J, but i also know that just because i found ''a way'' to get J to go to nap without crying or take the paci it doesn''t mean it''s the only way.

i have heard from too many Moms whose husbands don''t help what NOT to do which is act like i know it all or that my way is the only way because eventually dad won''t want to help if Mom is always hovering. i want G to have his own way to do things that make him feel good too. and so far it''s working out great...he will also tell me if i am getting too controlling which i appreciate.

_______________

so today i got my hair done (YAY)...there is nothing like fabulous hair. and my stylist is getting certified for brazilian blowout next week and was telling me about it. i have curly ethnic hair so i am really curious to see how this works for her, she says she has seen it in action and it really works (makes it straight and smooth, not frizzy) so if she likes it after a few weeks of doing it on people i will try it. i''d LOVE to air dry for a few months and not have frizzy hair..and with the new baby i don''t have as much time to spend on my hair (flatironing it or curling it etc) so i would love to have straight or just barely wavy hair with air drying! however like most things i am skeptical so we''ll see.

and then after the hair i went and met a friend to be part of a flash mob event for this new workout thing we are part of...it''s like Zumba but more hip hop etc. we went to a crowded outdoor mall and did one of our bollywood routines for 2 min. it was so fun to be part of it and they filmed it.

J was home with G this afternoon while i was out... he was like ''boy its so beautiful out, i loved being on the couch all day'' (sarcastic) and i was like WELCOME TO MY WORLD! hahaa. he made a face and went out to do the yard work hahaa. i had a great time out!

tonite we''ll take J to our fave dive hamburger place where they do 1/2 price on saturdays. all the families and loud children come at 5pm so that''s when we''ll go too HAHAA.

so last nite we bathed J and tried to tank him up. the last few days he has this ''new thing'' where he bucks like a bronco while eating. whether it''s boob or bottle he eats well for the first few ounces/minutes and then he starts getting all crazy, twisting and pulling and sometimes crying! we thought it was gas or poo but then nothing happens. G thinks he is just realizing that he has more control over whether or not he wants to eat (J) but i dunno, it''s so weird. anyway this makes feeding him frustrating at times, last nite he would only take 4.5oz out of his 6.5oz no matter how hard we tried to feed him the other 2. previously we could make him finish eating by just talking to him, using our feed words, keeping his attn on us etc. now with the bucking and everything he is SO STRONG he just gets super pissed off if we try to keep feeding. SO we put him down with only 4.5oz in him and thought for sure he''d wake up at like 1am. nope he went from 9pm to 5am and then from 6am to 10am (after a 9am partial wake where i put his sheep on). so then i thought well does he NEED the 6.5oz. but he''s not at the point where i feel right limiting his food, he''s still smallish, so we''ll keep trying to give it to him. but this morning again he fed on my boob for about 10 min and then started bucking and twisting (OW) and G said he did the same thing when he fed him bottle today, he only took 2.5oz instead of the 3.5oz he made. SO weird.

did anyone else''s LO''s go through this stage?? i am worried he won''t keep gaining if he doesn''t finish his ''meals'' and i don''t want him learning he can ''snack'' between meals... esp at this stage where he isn''t snacking to start with.

hope everyone is enjoying their saturday!!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 3/27/2010 2:02:31 PM
Author: sunkist
Oh Anchor, Jacob is so cute!! I hope he continues to be better too! Your comment re: mothering instinct is so interesting. I wonder if it has to do with what you learned growing up. I am the middle child of 5 and I loved babysitting when I was young. Maybe our ''instinct'' is really learned???

Perhaps. I didn''t babysit much as a teen, and no babies. But then again, neither did DH. Interesting fact however: DH always knew he wanted to be a parent, but I did not.

 

[Kaleigh]

Gah all these babies are soooo cute.. Anchor, that pic of Jacob is soooo cute. I haven''t seen him till now. He''s just precious!!!

 

[Mandarine]

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I just lost a very long post in response to Sabine.....

Too tired to type it again...but Sabine, I agree with you!....only thing I would say is that I don''t think it''s a mom vs dad thing...I think whomever is the primaryu care taker has the advantage of practice! (this is the dad in some families!)....so I don''t think it''s all "instinct" (although I do believe there is such a thing as mother''s instinct)...but I think a lot of what we know about our babies has to do with practice!.

I learned a LONG time ago to not be critical about things DH does when taking care of the LOs. Are they safe and happy? That''s all that matters. If I want DH to feel comfortable taking care of the, I have to act like I''m comfortable with how he does things...and so that''s what I do and it''s made such a huge difference!!!

Anyway, hope you all have a good night

 

[rockpaperscissors67]

All of the pictures are sooo sweet! Love them!

Today we had a funeral to attend. Well, actually SO was a pall bearer so Will, Ben and I just met him at the reception. I didn''t think it would be a good idea to have the kids in the very small church where the service was held. We had just seen most of these people last week at the party, but it was nice to visit with them again. I was ticked, though, because once again, SO''s younger sister didn''t show up. She blew off the last funeral, their parents'' party and this funeral and it annoys the crap out of me. She''s old enough to act responsibly and be there for family functions. Ugh.

Ben was delightful at the reception. He slept for some of it while I was eating, and then woke up and was smiling and laughing at everyone that came to talk to him (and it seemed like a lot of people did that!). I love this stage when they''re just so entertained by everything and everyone!

We also spent some time driving around, looking at houses. We have 3 we''re looking at tomorrow and then 2 more that we need to wait for appointments for because they''re occupied. I really hope we can find and agree on something soon because this was kind of fun at first, but it''s become tedious. No, I don''t have much patience. Plus, having lived in rentals for so long, I''m also not very picky!

 

[Burk]

Phoenix~Claire is a cutie!!

tao~Cute pic! I love his hair!

Pandora~Love that pic. Daisy is so pretty!

Mara~I think a post baby WWT to help get the last lbs off would be helpful. I don''t have time/energy to work out as much as I like and I need to eat better too (as in the Taco Bell I had for lunch was a bad choice!

) Does the heat help your pain after nursing J? Do you have the pain when you get cold? Def. ask your doctor. I read online that there is actually a drug they can prescribe for them but my dr. wanted me to try to heal my cracks first (yep, still have cracked nipples which is causing the vasospasms).

ginger~seriously adorable!!!

anchor~Jacob is so cute!

So last night K''s reflux was terrible bad. I fed him at 8 and he struggled to fall asleep (spitting up like crazy, thrashing around, fussing, ect) so I brought him down to the living room and he finally fell asleep on my chest around 9. I fell asleep as well. Whoops. I woke at midnight!!

At that point I figured eh, he''d be up soon anyway to eat so might as well not mess with putting him in his crib. Well, 2:30 rolls around and guess who just starts to wake up! So, he slept a whopping 5.5 hours and went 6.5 between feeds. So, this got me thinking...is the long stretch because he was sleeping on me? OR, was it because he was sleeping on his stomach? Probably could be a combination of both. He''s always way more content when he doesn''t feel well when I put him on my chest (so he''s on his stomach). I tried him on his stomach in his crib for a nap today (since I was awake and could go check on him...constantly) and he slept great. I''m now toying around with the idea of putting him on his stomach for all sleep. He''s 6 weeks old. He has crazy good neck/head control and pushes himself up when on his stomach for tummy time so that''s not a concern. I didn''t use blankets or swaddle of course. Thoughts? I know everything says sleep on their back but what if he''s just a better sleeper on his stomach. What if it makes his tummy feel better? My mom says her doc told her to put me to sleep on my stomach and I turned out okay.

I chickened out tonight and I guess I''ll just see how he does.

 

[Blenheim]

I love all of the pictures!

Mela, not sure if you''ll read this, but I''ll miss seeing you around these parts.

Robbie, I was just thinking the other day that we hadn''t heard from you in a while. I''m so glad that you found a solution that works for your family. Desmond is adorable, as always.

 

[phoenixgirl]

OK, night alone is over, and Claire is still alseep at 8:30! Well, she woke up to eat at 2:30 and 6:00, so it's not like she slept all night, but still, not so bad. She started her squawking at 5:00 like she often does. DH usually just gets her up to eat (when she seems to just be chatting or even still asleep), but I put the paci back in at 5:00 and then fell back asleep. Finally at 6:00 (she was still squawking off and on) I thought, well, maybe if I feed her now she'll go back to sleep, and it worked! I hope this doesn't mean she won't sleep well tonight . . .

She's awake, gotta go!

 

[Sabine]

Mara and Anchor, I appreciate what you are saying, and that was how I used to think, and I have a feeling that''s what got us into trouble. It was so much different early on when dh and I were both learning how to do things. At the beginning, he was actually better at a lot of stuff than me because he''s had more experience. But, well, things changed. I definitely think men need to be involved and left alone to do their share of figuring things out though!

Anchor, I''m glad Jacob is recovering well!

Mandy, interesting point about the primary caregiver. I actually considered that, but I don''t know how much it applies. I have a friend who just had a baby who works with dh (so also a first year medical intern), and her dh is a SAHD and is a member of our "mommy''s group." In talking to him, he definitely feels like even though he''s the primary caregiver, his wife still has this role that he can''t define that makes him feel like he won''t ever be totally "primary" (at least that''s how he explained it to me). I''d love to study stuff like this!

Burk, we faced this issue with Jacks. It started around 2 months where he wouldn''t sleep at all unless he was being held or on his stomach. I don''t know what to tell you though...my dh is a dr. and he really didn''t feel comfortable letting ds sleep on his stomach, even for naps when I was watching him. So I held him, and after a month of me holding him to sleep, he wouldn''t even sleep on his stomach in the crib after that. This led to us cosleeping and then sleep training at 4 months. It was a mess. I would say do some soul searching and figure out what you''d feel comfortable doing, and if you''re ok with sleeping on the belly, that might be a good idea for you. They also make some interesting products out there for babies with reflux like the Nap Nanny that are inclines they are strapped into to keep them upright on their backs. Oh, have you tried inclining the crib/bassinet to begin with?

Tao, thanks for the store rec, I''ll have to check it out! And yay for E sitting! The 2 months when Jacks was sitting without really wanting to move all around and would just happily play with toys if you put a bunch around him was probably the ''easiest'' time in looking after him.

RPS, good luck in house hunting!

PG, glad the night alone went well!

I''m excited that we''re buying a car tomorrow! We''re getting a new Honda CRV, and I''m so excited to have all the extra trunk space (I''m currently driving a Nissan Sentra

). And dh''s family is coming this week to visit for Easter, so I''m really excited about that!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 3/26/2010 8:26:26 AM
Author: cdt1101

Date: 3/24/2010 12:22:17 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 3/24/2010 12:01:59 PM
Author: cdt1101

Date: 3/24/2010 11:56:59 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 3/24/2010 11:54:56 AM
Author: cdt1101

Date: 3/24/2010 11:46:55 AM
Author: natalina
Sorry to bring it up again, but anyone have any advice about the ''shiver'' I posted above?

Viz- sorry about AF. I was so bummed when she came back, too. Especially since still BF''ing around the clock!

Lex doesn''t shiver. If you''re concerned, I would definitely bring it up to the Dr. Wish I could help more!

Amelia has never shivered. Definitely mention it to the ped.

TGal - I''ve been meaning to ask...did you ever figure out what the bluish palor was on Amelia? Recently I''ve noticed the same thing on Lex, especially on the bridge of his nose, and just around his eyes in general. He''s also very veiny though on the forhead (he''s pretty fair). Just curious...

Not TGal, but my Amelia had something similar and her doc was actually quite concerned about it. He ran a lot of tests. She''s anaemic, and that was the main cause of her palor and also some other stuff we were worrying about.

She does shiver when she''s cold, but we live in Scotland - we''re born shivering!

thanks for the response! I plan on mentioning my concern next week when I see our Pedi. Did hers go away like Tgal''s Amelia? Lex''s does not, he has what looks like a blue ''mark'' on the bridge of his nose. It almost looks like a vein (maybe it is????), I''m not sure. And like I said a few days ago, he''s pretty veiny anyway especially around the temple area. But he also has another one of the ''marks'' on his shoulder and it''s been there since at least October (1st time I noticed it), that one looks more like a bruise the size of a pencil eraser, never has changed though and doesn''t go away. So strange....

Sorry - I missed this until now. Her palor didn''t really go away, it was better sometimes than others, but she was never a healthy pink colour and she always had dark shadows under her eyes, even after a long sleep. She had odd little bruises too, but I''ve noticed a big improvement since we got a diagnosos and some treatment. She has the same blue mark on the bridge of her nose and I did ask about that - it''s a vein (on Amelia, at least).

Have you been to see your pedi yet?

Jen

 

[Dreamer_D]

RE fathers and mothers and childcare

Do you know what is the biggest predictor of marital happiness after the birth of a child? Whether the man meets the expectations of his wife in terms of the contribution he makes to the household. Before baby is born, its all "Yes, yes, I will do my part", and then in many marriages, heck, most marriages, those promises are not met. And satisfactio ndrops because of it. It is normative. In most marriages, within 2 years, levels of happiness reach the pre-baby level. And some marriages end in that time. So having a baby is a real test on a marriage for sure.

But listen, I don't think the gender inequality in contribution is about moms and dads and innate instincts. I don't believe that for one little second. All that idea does is propegate stereotypes about the sexes, and it does us as women no favours at all. It is like saying men are inherently better at business, or being CEOs

. If you believe that, more power to you. But it is a load of malarky to me

. I completely believe that skill in being a parent is about TIME spent looking after baby. If you don't get the practice, it is not going to be the same, is it? I was a BFing SAHM for the first 12 months of HUnter's life, and it is true, I had a lot more practice looking after him. And I was the primary care giver in that time because I was nursing. No question about that. But I made a real effort to leave DH to care for Hunter alone without me as much as possible. And now that I am back at work, we are well and truly 50/50 parents. In fact, DH may do a little more childcare

And you know what? He is as competent as I am... as long as I stay out of his business! If I am there, he will ask me how to do something. So I make a point of not "being there" when it is his turn to care for Hunter.

Gender roles are powerful, and I think they are the cause of a lot of strife in a marriage. No matter how "liberated" we all become women are still "responsible" for the home care and child care in both our eyes and our husband's eyes. And it isn't going to change by our husband's doing. No one in their mind is going to volunteer to suddenly take on MORE resposibilities, especially when it is boring stuff like housework or, lets face it, 90% of parenting

The only way things change is by women demanding and expecting more from their husbands. And I suppose in the end the husband's have to be motivated towards making their wives happy and towards becoming skilled and responsive fathers. Not every man will be willing or able to do that, because of various personality traits and gender role pressures. So I guess in the end, every family needs to find a balance in their roles and the jobs they do. If it means having areas of expertise within the home that are defined in part by gender, good, then do that if it promoted happiness and contentedness. But there are other ways of finding a balance in the family too, and as we all try to negotiate responsibiities within our relationships, I think it is important to explore them all.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 3/28/2010 1:28:08 PM
Author: dreamer_d
RE fathers and mothers and childcare

Do you know what is the biggest predictor of marital happiness after the birth of a child? Whether the man meets the expectations of his wife in terms of the contribution he makes to the household. Before baby is born, its all ''Yes, yes, I will do my part'', and then in many marriages, heck, most marriages, those promises are not met. And satisfactio ndrops because of it. It is normative. In most marriages, within 2 years, levels of happiness reach the pre-baby level. And some marriages end in that time. So having a baby is a real test on a marriage for sure.

But listen, I don''t think the gender inequality in contribution is about moms and dads and innate instincts. I don''t believe that for one little second. All that idea does is propegate stereotypes about the sexes, and it does us as women no favours at all. It is like saying men are inherently better at business, or being CEOs

. If you believe that, more power to you. But it is a load of malarky to me

. I completely believe that skill in being a parent is about TIME spent looking after baby. If you don''t get the practice, it is not going to be the same, is it? I was a BFing SAHM for the first 12 months of HUnter''s life, and it is true, I had a lot more practice looking after him. And I was the primary care giver in that time because I was nursing. No question about that. But I made a real effort to leave DH to care for Hunter alone without me as much as possible. And now that I am back at work, we are well and truly 50/50 parents. In fact, DH may do a little more childcare

And you know what? He is as competent as I am... as long as I stay out of his business! If I am there, he will ask me how to do something. So I make a point of not ''being there'' when it is his turn to care for Hunter.

Gender roles are powerful, and I think they are the cause of a lot of strife in a marriage. No matter how ''liberated'' we all become women are still ''responsible'' for the home care and child care in both our eyes and our husband''s eyes. And it isn''t going to change by our husband''s doing. No one in their mind is going to volunteer to suddenly take on MORE resposibilities, especially when it is boring stuff like housework or, lets face it, 90% of parenting

The only way things change is by women demanding and expecting more from their husbands. And I suppose in the end the husband''s have to be motivated towards making their wives happy and towards becoming skilled and responsive fathers. Not every man will be willing or able to do that, because of various personality traits and gender role pressures. So I guess in the end, every family needs to find a balance in their roles and the jobs they do. If it means having areas of expertise within the home that are defined in part by gender, good, then do that if it promoted happiness and contentedness. But there are other ways of finding a balance in the family too, and as we all try to negotiate responsibiities within our relationships, I think it is important to explore them all.

Dreamer, as this was discussed a little in another thread, I read this with interest. I agree with you almost 100% - only bit I''d take issue with is the idea that women see themselves as responsible for homecare and child care, as do their husbands. I don''t see myself as responsible for these things and neither does DH. That isn''t my mindset, or his. Maybe that''s why we''ve never had an argument about that particular issue (plenty other issues, but not that one...).

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 3/28/2010 1:34:27 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
Dreamer, as this was discussed a little in another thread, I read this with interest. I agree with you almost 100% - only bit I''d take issue with is the idea that women see themselves as responsible for homecare and child care, as do their husbands. I don''t see myself as responsible for these things and neither does DH. That isn''t my mindset, or his. Maybe that''s why we''ve never had an argument about that particular issue (plenty other issues, but not that one...).

Then you guys are the statistical exception not the rule! My DH sounds a little like yours, his caregiving instinct is strong, as is his motivation to make me happy. He is high in the "communal motivation", which is similar to the big five personality trait of agreeableness. Women tend to be higher in this motivation than men, and men''s possession of this trait is actually a strong predictor of marital happiness in couples.

 

[Mara]

ITA agree with what you wrote dd. it's funny because when i get on G to do something extra (aka come home consistently at 5pm instead of 6:30pm so he can spend more time with J during week), he points out that he already does more than most men do when it comes to the baby. i point out that i didn't marry 'most men' and that there's nothing wrong with perfecting what is already excellent. he can't argue that. he's been coming home earlier.

sabine..i am confident that things won't change for us. i am so anal about things not changing that i will def be right there saying 'hey this is happening' because i won't let it. i also don't want pressure on me just because 'i am the mom' either.

before we even got pregnant, we had lots of discussions on rearing. i stressed that i wasn't having a baby to raise myself. i was not willing to overlook the fact that someone might not be totally on board with that just to have a kid (not saying anyone here is doing that but i have seen it in real life). and so many people do give lip service to 'yes i'll help' then afterwards it's like 'oh you do it better so keep doing it'. say what?

IMO parents have to work out their own perfect balances in their marriage and child-rearing...and it's going to be different for everyone and people should do what works and makes them happy.

i don't remember who said it the other day but it was along the lines of 'i wish my husband would get up at night and help me with the baby as well, make it more equal' and i totally agree. greg does the 'night/morning' feeding and he wants to thankfully but i'd prefer he did it as well because i take care of pretty much every other feeding and put down. his coworkers told him things like 'oh you should let your wife do that because she's staying at home with him and you need to work' but i appreciate he just brushed that off as silly-talk, and honestly i think it's a little appalling that so many men he works with told him that. it's your kid too so that means participation and not just by earning a living.

anyway yep i can easily see that having kids is a trial on marriage.

______________

burk... i think you already mentioned you put K on an incline but we got one of those wedge things for under the mattress and it seems to help J. re: tummy sleep, i don't have any advice to give, but when do they say you can start to put them on tummy? when they can roll over safely? J also has crazy good neck control but we haven't let him sleep on his front at all except when he's on the boppy sometimes and i am sitting right there for a short cat nap.

sabine...yay for a new car!! i love having a new car...even if the payments aren't that fun.

PG ... the night alone sounds like you enjoyed it. your hub is lucky you are so relaxed about all his events!!

RPS...hope you find the perfect house soon. ben is so cute and sounds so easy going!! love it. can you check out my post re: my boob and let me know if you think that i might have some vasospasm thing going on with it? i am assuming that's what it is right now but i'll ask pedi next week.

dd..i like that. communal motivation. i am going to tell G that. hehee.

________________

did anyone have any comments or help re: my question on J being a crazy bucking twisting bronco during feedings lately?? is this a stage that they go through or is he just not hungry and has realized he doesn't HAVE to eat just because we have food for him? last nite i had to hold down his flailing limbs which were just pissing him off more to get him to take the rest of his evening bottle. he finally did but man it was a struggle. i calculated he only took about 20oz yesterday whereas he typically is eating more like 22oz and some days 24oz but yesterday he was 'light'. this morning he only ate off the left boob before squirming and looking tired so i just swaddled him for nap and he passed out. could he be growing again??? i swear these gs's are like 6/9/12, but for him it's more like 6,7,8...haha. or maybe that's just normal baby behavior.

 

[phoenixgirl]

A few questions:

1. When can you turn a baby forward-facing in the Baby Bjorn? The instructions just seem to say an "older baby."

2. Is it dangerous for Claire to sleep in a sleep-sack if she likes to sleep on her side? If she got on her stomach, would the sleep sack make her less able to flip back over if she needed to?

3. Today Claire has been sticking out her tongue/licking her lips a lot, almost like she did as a newborn when she was rooting. Any ideas why? She''s also been inexplicably fussy and seems extra hungry, eating more like every 2.5 hours today.



Ugh, DH is trying to get on a flight stand-by right now and probably won''t make it (#4 on the list). So now he won''t be home until 10 p.m., and he wants to go to a concert tomorrow night!

 

[taovandel]

Evan sleeps in a sleep sack now....he has no problems rolling back and forth in it....He just needs his arms mainly.

 

[puffy]

real quick, i''m pretty sure claire can be facing forward in the bjorn. noah is 3 months and at 2 months i had him facing forward

 

[MonkeyPie]

Burk, take my words as you will (not a mommy - yet!), but my friend that works in the NICU as a nurse told me that all babies digest/sleep/breath better when they are on their tummy. The babies she has in the NICU all sleep on their bellies, but that is because they are hooked up to the monitors and any problems can be caught quickly - they tell you NOT to let baby sleep on his tummy until he is old enough to roll over safely on his own. For naps when you can really watch them tummy time isn''t such a worry, but at night keep it on the back.

She did also mention I shouldn''t put Micah on his side though, which I thought was weird - doesn''t everybody let them do that nowadays?