Push presents - your thoughts and experiences?

[Verdy]

I'm also not a fan of the term, 'push present' but in any case, I find the idea behind it very sweet and thoughtful. Perhaps not to say 'hey thanks for pushing a baby out' but just to commemorate the fact that a miracle has been brought into the world and it's special enough to deserve something to remember it by. Something that maybe in the future will belong to them. My BIL gave my sister a new e-ring as a gift after they had their son, it was a complete surprise and she was so happy that he'd done that for her since he doesn't make a huge amount of money at work. To me these presents seem like a, 'hey you did great, you were brave and now you have something that's priceless, thanks for being who you are' type of thing, if that makes sense.

 

[iluvcarats]

But it's not just a present for you; it is also something special to be passed on to your child in honor of his/her birth.

This is how I feel, too. It seems like the majority of women here who have received these gifts intend to pass them on to either the child whom they commemorate, or to that child's child, on another special occasion. The chance to create an heirloom is something special, and I hope I am lucky enough to be able to do so someday!

This returns to the notion it is wrong for a mother to want somethng for herself . I am a selfish mother, my gifts were bought for me with not intention of passing them on. When I look at them it makes me think of my boys when I am not with them. It is a great thing.

And it was a nice distraction in the early difficult weeks to think about what gift I would get for myself. Sometimes gazing at your gift of a child at 2am simply is not enough

I don't see it that way Dreamer. I don't think it is wrong to want something for myself that I will enjoy, but it will also give me pleasure later to pass it on. No one is saying you have to give it away unless you want to. You can choose to be buried with it if you want.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I have no intentions of handing my ring over at all. My daughter/grand-daughter or whoever can have it after my death!

I 100% deserved mine. I had a lousy pregnancy with hyperemesis and 24/7 morning sickness until 34 weeks and problems with my spine. A horrible L&D, an extensive episiotomy that they gave me morphine for, a forceps delivery that left me with the same bladder control as my baby and took over a year to recover, black and raw nipples from trying to breast-feed and a lot of emotional trauma. Since then, I have EBF'd for 6 months and I'm still breastfeeding now. I did every single night-feed - DH has never not had a full night of sleep and I look after my daughter with no support of any kind (no parents round the corner to take her for an hour or anything.)

Yes, I do all this willingly, but I think one's husband should appreciate what you go through to provide heirs! Fortunately I live in the UK and not the USA and so I got an automatic year of paid maternity leave.

Forgive me, Pandora, but this is what I don't understand. So a push present makes up for all of this? Why didn't you get his a$$ out of bed a few nights so you could get at least a few full night's sleep? I'm sorry this comes out as accusatory but its really not meant that way. It's just that this was one of the first things negotiated when my sister and sister-in-law had babies - bottle feeding, in addition to breast feeding so they wouldn't be the only ones that had to get out of bed in the middle of the night - and a clear delineation of childcare roles - who was taking care of what - all before they even got pregnant. I think if they had gotten serious pushback on any of this, they would have delayed having children until they were comfortable with the childcare arrangements.

But this is where my own assumptions about gift giving come in - I'm reading your story and thinking a gift doesn't in any way make up for this sh!t.

No gift makes up for hardships. But I think a gift actually acknowledges that the hardships occurred perhaps. It is a symbol of validation perhaps that communicates clearly "You sacrificed and I see that and thank you for it!" Hopefully the thanks and acknowledgement goes further than a simple gift, but as a symbol the gift could go a long way psychologically asa validation of one's experience and perspective.

Regarding the equaltiy stuff and getting his a$$ out of bed... I am a big old feminist myself, and negotiated and all that with my husband. He is the most involved father I know BY FAR. But the reality is that if a woman wants to breastfeed exclusively --as was the case for me and I think for Pandora -- then there is no way to ever make the contributions equal in that first year of life in my opinion. It is an around the clock job. I do it voluntarily and with no doubts. But my husband cannot do that job. And so things simply cannot be and are not equal in those early months. Some might say "Well you took that on yourself!" but for some of us formula is not an option that is agreeable, and pumping is a big PITA or not possible. Anyways, don't be so quick to vilify the hubbies Even doing everything they can, it does not make things equal in the beginning in many households. It is a matter of biology.

 

[starshine]

Just to clarify...when I speak of the gift being passed on to the child, I mean *after* my death, of course! lol!

 

[vc10um]

But it's not just a present for you; it is also something special to be passed on to your child in honor of his/her birth.

This is how I feel, too. It seems like the majority of women here who have received these gifts intend to pass them on to either the child whom they commemorate, or to that child's child, on another special occasion. The chance to create an heirloom is something special, and I hope I am lucky enough to be able to do so someday!

This returns to the notion it is wrong for a mother to want somethng for herself . I am a selfish mother, my gifts were bought for me with not intention of passing them on. When I look at them it makes me think of my boys when I am not with them. It is a great thing.

And it was a nice distraction in the early difficult weeks to think about what gift I would get for myself. Sometimes gazing at your gift of a child at 2am simply is not enough

I don't see it that way Dreamer. I don't think it is wrong to want something for myself that I will enjoy, but it will also give me pleasure later to pass it on. No one is saying you have to give it away unless you want to. You can choose to be buried with it if you want.

I think this is what I was more going for. I don't intend to take my baubles with me to the grave, but the idea of having one or more pieces that I treasure that will eventually be passed on in my memory (whether I choose to pass them on while I am alive, or they are passed on to my child(ren)/grandchild(ren) after my death) and hopefully through the generations is something I've wanted for a long time. I am sad I don't really have many heirlooms from before my parent's time and I look forward to being able to pass treasures down to future generations. That is a completely selfish want, and it just so happens to come along with a sparkly.

 

[that_someone_special]

I think it's cute...!

However, my brothers ex once told me that she is going to get a "mercedes" as her push present. Um, yeah they they weren't engaged, no kids on the horizon, and she wants a car? My brother said he promised her that so she would stop talking about it.

 

[allycat0303]

Well I completely hate the name *push present*. The reason for this is that I think it completely trivalizes what the woman has gone through. I don't have children, but I've watched woman give birth, and I don't think any sort of jewelery in ANY way is enough to acknowledge what I woman has done. It seems to me to be inadquate for the act of deliverying a baby.

My husband said *push present* once, and I told him, if you were to REALLY be rewarding me for giving birth, it would start off with a five carat internally flawless, excellent cut, D Color diamond. TO START. A momentoe to commermerate the birth of your baby, is a different matter and can be anything from a picture, a card, or jewelery. But as a reward for *pushing*, I've got issues with that.

 

[iugurl]

I guess I just wonder why the push present in particular can be so contentious - is it because we still associate "motherhood" and "selflessness?"

Yes, this.

That may be some people's reason for not liking push presents but not all. I just hate the entitled, demanding attitude that men, women, mothers, fathers, children - whoever seem to have today. It definitely has nothing with me thinking that mothers should be selfless.

I don't hate push presents, but is it really a gift or present when it is required and demanded by the recipient? If the husband wants to give a gift and has the money, then great!! But when he is forced to give a "present" I don't exactly think of it in a positive way. It would be no different if the husband were demanding a present for some event.

 

[Pandora II]

I have no intentions of handing my ring over at all. My daughter/grand-daughter or whoever can have it after my death!

I 100% deserved mine. I had a lousy pregnancy with hyperemesis and 24/7 morning sickness until 34 weeks and problems with my spine. A horrible L&D, an extensive episiotomy that they gave me morphine for, a forceps delivery that left me with the same bladder control as my baby and took over a year to recover, black and raw nipples from trying to breast-feed and a lot of emotional trauma. Since then, I have EBF'd for 6 months and I'm still breastfeeding now. I did every single night-feed - DH has never not had a full night of sleep and I look after my daughter with no support of any kind (no parents round the corner to take her for an hour or anything.)

Yes, I do all this willingly, but I think one's husband should appreciate what you go through to provide heirs! Fortunately I live in the UK and not the USA and so I got an automatic year of paid maternity leave.

Forgive me, Pandora, but this is what I don't understand. So a push present makes up for all of this? Why didn't you get his a$$ out of bed a few nights so you could get at least a few full night's sleep? I'm sorry this comes out as accusatory but its really not meant that way. It's just that this was one of the first things negotiated when my sister and sister-in-law had babies - bottle feeding, in addition to breast feeding so they wouldn't be the only ones that had to get out of bed in the middle of the night - and a clear delineation of childcare roles - who was taking care of what - all before they even got pregnant. I think if they had gotten serious pushback on any of this, they would have delayed having children until they were comfortable with the childcare arrangements.

But this is where my own assumptions about gift giving come in - I'm reading your story and thinking a gift doesn't in any way make up for this sh!t.

LOL, yes my ring does make up for most of it! My diamonds are known as Friday, Saturday and Sunday for a reason! Seriously at the lowest moments of the whole 9 months thinking about the ring I would get at the end of it all was a very bright point and gave me something happy and positive to think about - those who were on the PG thread when I was pregnant will remember the stress of the legal case. I'm not someone who always wanted to be a mother and my feelings about meeting the baby were not of the 'it will be the most wonderful moment of my life' but more of the 'oh crap, I get given a real life kid to take home and I haven't got any qualifications in kids... help... and please let it not be too ugly and please let me like him/her... ' variety. Fortunately I did adore her pretty quickly and found I didn't forget to feed her or want to give her away...

As far as caring for our daughter, I had big problems initiating breast-feeding due to the anaemia and opiates so bottle-feeding absolutely wasn't an option as it decreases supply - pumping doesn't have the same effect as a nursing baby - and I really needed to give breastfeeding my best shot for a number of reasons.

Regarding getting up at night, my take was that my husband went to work every day and since he doesn't work 9-5 he needed to not be exhausted. On the other hand, I could co-nap with the baby during the day. Plus women produce hormones to help them through the lack of sleep, men do not. I think it would have been very unreasonable of me to expect my husband to be up at night when I would have to be anyway - and I had a whole year of paid maternity leave so it wasn't as if I was having to go to work as well. I had a very high risk of developing PPD or PPP and so it was also important that we weren't both overtired in case he needed to take care of me or at least realise what was going on. I did get PPD at around 4.5 months but DH spoke to my care-team who swung into action, upped my meds and came to see me more often and prevented me becoming seriously ill.

Perhaps I'm overly traditional and old-fashioned, but I am very happy with the childcare arrangements that we have - but that doesn't mean that they are easy. I do envy my friends with family round the corner who will come and babysit or even just hold the baby while you take a shower, but I knew I wouldn't ever have that set-up. Just because I was on board with the arrangements doesn't mean that I think I had an easy time of it.

I also didn't sit around waiting for my husband to 'reward' me. In fact, I bought my husband a gift as well - he's the most squeamish person I know and has a hatred of all things medical and despite being extremely traumatised (he still can't even talk about Daisy's birth without breaking down) he stayed with me the whole way through and never showed me how scared he was for even a second. Plus being a total rock through the legal case and the 4 months of severe antenatal depression I had. The court case also put paid to his political career - I worked for one of the main Parties. I gave him the new Canon 5D Mark II camera as a thank you for being there all the way through (even if he did play on-line poker for most of the labour).

ETA: By saying that 'I deserved' because of my circumstances I absolutely don't mean that other women who have easy pregnancies and deliveries don't. Every pregnancy takes a toll on a woman physically and mentally and I think that this should be acknowledged. If people choose not to then that is also fine but I don't understand why gifts for anniversaries or birthday/christmas are applauded and yet many look down on the idea of a gift for birthing a baby, probably the most significant change in any person or couples life and the MOST dangerous thing that any woman will do in her lifetime.

My reasons for why 'I deserved' is in answer to those people who ask why should a woman feel that she deserves a push present (not a term I like btw). The answer of 'because you get a baby and that is gift enough' doesn't sit right with me. People often buy gifts to celebrate recovering from cancer, and no-one says to them no sorry, you recovered and surely that is quite enough of a gift...

 

[Laila619]

I guess I view push presents a little differently than some on this thread. I view (and viewed my own) push present as simply a celebration of the new life of my DD. It has nothing to do with how difficult pregnancy and labor were and it certainly wasn't a payment for the sacrifices I would make as a mother. I made those sacrifices willingly when I decided to become a mother (and DH made the same). I would have laughed my husband out of the room if he suggested that a diamond bracelet meant I would take care of all the middle of the night changes and feedings. This is the 21st century! We have split baby responsibilities, like all other family responsibilities, as close to 50-50 as possible since day 1, even when I was on maternity leave and he was back to work. I am as liberal and feminist as they come, if DH had wanted a gift to celebrate DD's birth I would have gladly given him one, he supported me through fertility treatments, treated me like a queen through pregnancy and childbirth and is truly the best father I have ever known besides my own. If you don't want a push present, fine, but please don't make judgements about me or my marriage based on my desire to have one.

I like your view on push presents. This attitude is a positive one! The attitude about "deserving" a present and it is "payment" for having a child is what rubs me the wrong way!

YES! I love your view too, NovemberBride! (and agree with you, iugurl)

 

[MonkeyPie]

My reasons for why 'I deserved' is in answer to those people who ask why should a woman feel that she deserves a push present (not a term I like btw). The answer of 'because you get a baby and that is gift enough' doesn't sit right with me. People often buy gifts to celebrate recovering from cancer, and no-one says to them no sorry, you recovered and surely that is quite enough of a gift...

I agree with most of that, except the cancer reference. Childbirth is a chosen path - cancer is not.

 

[AmeliaG]

Regarding the equaltiy stuff and getting his a$$ out of bed... I am a big old feminist myself, and negotiated and all that with my husband. He is the most involved father I know BY FAR. But the reality is that if a woman wants to breastfeed exclusively --as was the case for me and I think for Pandora -- then there is no way to ever make the contributions equal in that first year of life in my opinion. It is an around the clock job. I do it voluntarily and with no doubts. But my husband cannot do that job. And so things simply cannot be and are not equal in those early months. Some might say "Well you took that on yourself!" but for some of us formula is not an option that is agreeable, and pumping is a big PITA or not possible. Anyways, don't be so quick to vilify the hubbies Even doing everything they can, it does not make things equal in the beginning in many households. It is a matter of biology.

This is true. I'm just amazed that in this culture, women get encouraged to feel guilty about anything. The couple's situation I referred to earlier was more traumatic because the mother couldn't physically breastfeed and even care for her child in his first few months. She felt very inadequate and it caused a lot of resentment towards her husband because he was doing the fun stuff (at least to her at the time, but not breastfeeding LOL) and then she felt guilty for being the mean one after she recovered and could care for her child. She knew logically there was no reason to feel guilty or resentful but she felt it all the same.

 

[AmeliaG]

I have no intentions of handing my ring over at all. My daughter/grand-daughter or whoever can have it after my death!

I 100% deserved mine. I had a lousy pregnancy with hyperemesis and 24/7 morning sickness until 34 weeks and problems with my spine. A horrible L&D, an extensive episiotomy that they gave me morphine for, a forceps delivery that left me with the same bladder control as my baby and took over a year to recover, black and raw nipples from trying to breast-feed and a lot of emotional trauma. Since then, I have EBF'd for 6 months and I'm still breastfeeding now. I did every single night-feed - DH has never not had a full night of sleep and I look after my daughter with no support of any kind (no parents round the corner to take her for an hour or anything.)

Yes, I do all this willingly, but I think one's husband should appreciate what you go through to provide heirs! Fortunately I live in the UK and not the USA and so I got an automatic year of paid maternity leave.

Forgive me, Pandora, but this is what I don't understand. So a push present makes up for all of this? Why didn't you get his a$$ out of bed a few nights so you could get at least a few full night's sleep? I'm sorry this comes out as accusatory but its really not meant that way. It's just that this was one of the first things negotiated when my sister and sister-in-law had babies - bottle feeding, in addition to breast feeding so they wouldn't be the only ones that had to get out of bed in the middle of the night - and a clear delineation of childcare roles - who was taking care of what - all before they even got pregnant. I think if they had gotten serious pushback on any of this, they would have delayed having children until they were comfortable with the childcare arrangements.

But this is where my own assumptions about gift giving come in - I'm reading your story and thinking a gift doesn't in any way make up for this sh!t.

LOL, yes my ring does make up for most of it! My diamonds are known as Friday, Saturday and Sunday for a reason! Seriously at the lowest moments of the whole 9 months thinking about the ring I would get at the end of it all was a very bright point and gave me something happy and positive to think about - those who were on the PG thread when I was pregnant will remember the stress of the legal case. I'm not someone who always wanted to be a mother and my feelings about meeting the baby were not of the 'it will be the most wonderful moment of my life' but more of the 'oh crap, I get given a real life kid to take home and I haven't got any qualifications in kids... help... and please let it not be too ugly and please let me like him/her... ' variety. Fortunately I did adore her pretty quickly and found I didn't forget to feed her or want to give her away...

As far as caring for our daughter, I had big problems initiating breast-feeding due to the anaemia and opiates so bottle-feeding absolutely wasn't an option as it decreases supply - pumping doesn't have the same effect as a nursing baby - and I really needed to give breastfeeding my best shot for a number of reasons.

Regarding getting up at night, my take was that my husband went to work every day and since he doesn't work 9-5 he needed to not be exhausted. On the other hand, I could co-nap with the baby during the day. Plus women produce hormones to help them through the lack of sleep, men do not. I think it would have been very unreasonable of me to expect my husband to be up at night when I would have to be anyway - and I had a whole year of paid maternity leave so it wasn't as if I was having to go to work as well. I had a very high risk of developing PPD or PPP and so it was also important that we weren't both overtired in case he needed to take care of me or at least realise what was going on. I did get PPD at around 4.5 months but DH spoke to my care-team who swung into action, upped my meds and came to see me more often and prevented me becoming seriously ill.

Perhaps I'm overly traditional and old-fashioned, but I am very happy with the childcare arrangements that we have - but that doesn't mean that they are easy. I do envy my friends with family round the corner who will come and babysit or even just hold the baby while you take a shower, but I knew I wouldn't ever have that set-up. Just because I was on board with the arrangements doesn't mean that I think I had an easy time of it.

I also didn't sit around waiting for my husband to 'reward' me. In fact, I bought my husband a gift as well - he's the most squeamish person I know and has a hatred of all things medical and despite being extremely traumatised (he still can't even talk about Daisy's birth without breaking down) he stayed with me the whole way through and never showed me how scared he was for even a second. Plus being a total rock through the legal case and the 4 months of severe antenatal depression I had. The court case also put paid to his political career - I worked for one of the main Parties. I gave him the new Canon 5D Mark II camera as a thank you for being there all the way through (even if he did play on-line poker for most of the labour).

ETA: By saying that 'I deserved' because of my circumstances I absolutely don't mean that other women who have easy pregnancies and deliveries don't. Every pregnancy takes a toll on a woman physically and mentally and I think that this should be acknowledged. If people choose not to then that is also fine but I don't understand why gifts for anniversaries or birthday/christmas are applauded and yet many look down on the idea of a gift for birthing a baby, probably the most significant change in any person or couples life and the MOST dangerous thing that any woman will do in her lifetime.

My reasons for why 'I deserved' is in answer to those people who ask why should a woman feel that she deserves a push present (not a term I like btw). The answer of 'because you get a baby and that is gift enough' doesn't sit right with me. People often buy gifts to celebrate recovering from cancer, and no-one says to them no sorry, you recovered and surely that is quite enough of a gift...

Oh God, Pandora. Your pre-childbirth self sounds just like me It sounds like you and your husband had a great partnership throughout it all - apologies for telling him to get off his ass.

 

[Bliss]

Mara, YES!!!! I think the pushing itself was not the hard part - it was AFTER the baby was born that was haaaaaaaaard!!!!!!!! I am in awe of moms who BF or even attempt to BF because I now know what a TREMENDOUS labor of love it is. WOW.

Logan Sapphire: GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!! BF Bling! I love it!!! I think BF Bling is an awesome thing. I do!!!! DH just wanted to do something very special to mark my hard work and labor of love. I mean, if you are BFing or EBFing or EPing...it is insaaaaaane! I HAVEN'T HAD COFFEE IN OVER A YEAR AND A HALF!!!! No dairy! No nitrates and crap food! Only organic! OMG!!!! Oh and no alcohol!!! And I could never leave the baby for more than 2-3 hours tops. My life was pretty much on lockdown so....YES! This actually means more to me than the "push present." Carrying her and having her was pure joy, even with the nausea and suffering near the end. It was a privilege to carry and have her. She is my life and DH is my heart. I can't imagine a better present than a healthy child.

Pandora, you go girl!!!! I think ALL women freaking deserve it! Why not??? Is it so bad that we celebrate motherhood with gifts? Shall we tell all husbands out there who are gushing with love and admiration to go stick it where the sun doesn't shine? LOL I show DH in a million different ways how deserving he is of my love and I try to commemorate it with gifts in "his" love language. Mine happens to be jewelry. I have loved jewelry and cherished pieces that marked special times in my life ever since I was a little girl.

I'm not even all that keen on a push present, though it was super nice and special to get one. I think the BF Bling will mean far more! It was so hard and making it past 6 months was a really big thing for us! DH was right there beside me drying my tears when EBF was keeping me up all night for months, helping me put ointment on my bbs, which looked like a meat grinder chewed them up and cheering me on when I wanted to quit. And oh, I wanted to quit every single day the first 3 months. Every day. So yes! I DO DESERVE THIS! So does every single mom on the planet! Every mom deserves the sun, moon and stars! So do dads!!!!

Dads are incredible! They put together stuff! They watch the baby! They diaper baby! They sacrifice time with their wives and let them do the mother thing in the early months when the baby needs almost all of her time. Dads work hard to provide for the family. They are the mom's biggest support when she's hormonal, tired, freaking out and needing assurance.

But even then, it's my body that carried the child, my body that got fat and stretched for 9 months...my body that tore and bled as I gave birth...my body that is robbed of nutrients and minerals to feed our precious child, my body that I had to freaking work really hard to get fit and lose all the weight...DH definitely thanks me for giving him the most precious gift of all. I also thank him for giving me this child. So it's not like I'm on a throne demanding sparklies! But if DH is overcome with awe because he sees how much I sacrifice (willingly and with pleasure) for our child, he swells with gratitude.

Come on, when you see someone love and cherish your child - most men I know in our circle don't walk, they RUN out to get the best thing they can to show their wives how amazing they are. And even then they feel it's not enough! And the token can be anything, really. For some reason it happens to be jewelry most of the time. I'm guessing it's because that's what most women like. You can wear it every day as a special reminder, you can pass it down to your child, seeing it reminds him of that special time when you were new parents and it's something you can keep forever...everyone wins! I think it also makes DH proud to do this. I can't wait to see the look on his face when he presents me with something very special that he worked very hard for - that is what I will cherish the most.

 

[Maria D]

I don't just hate the name "push present" I hate the connotation that it's a "gift" to the woman at all. I don't even think I can explain this articulately but here goes. I'm all for commemorating. I'm all for women who enjoy sparkles to enjoy them for whatever reason and, if you like to celebrate an important event with jewelry, then childbirth/adoption is certainly right up there with the most of important of events. It's the idea that it's a gift to the woman, as if she has to hope to be a gift recipient to get this thing that bothers me. When a guy wants to buy himself something to commemorate whatever, does he have to pretend it was a gift from his wife?

I certainly don't think of a baby as a gift a woman gives to her husband and I don't think a woman needs to be given a present for having a child. But if she wants a piece of fine jewelry to commemorate the occasion and they can afford it, great!

My experience is I didn't get anything. At the time we were trying to figure out how to live on one income so luxury items were out of the question. Eighteen years later (this next Sunday to be exact), I am finally pushing this kid OUT to college and I may, now that we can afford it, get something to commemorate that!

edited to clarify:
It's the idea that women need all these justifications that bother me. It doesn't matter about your stretch marks or sore nipples or midnight feeding/diaper changes -- because suffering isn't a requirement to get something nice. You want jewelry? Just get it!

 

[asscherisme]

I haaattttteeee the term push present. But I seen nothing wrong with getting something nice when the kids are born.

It never would have occurred to my ex to get me something special when our kids were born. I remember after having one of our kids, he got into a fight with me in the hosptial room because I said to him, it would have been nice for him to give me a simple thank you for all I had been through with the pregancy and birth (and it was our 3rd) and that he never so much as said thank you. He told me that I should be thanking HIM as much as him thanking me because he did his "part" to give me the baby. Then he went on and on about it and I asked the nurse to remove him.

So...for those whose DH/SO want to do something nice for you when you give birth, and it makes you feel good great. I would certanily encourage my sons to do something nice in that situation when they grow up.

 

[Pandora II]

Oh God, Pandora. Your pre-childbirth self sounds just like me It sounds like you and your husband had a great partnership throughout it all - apologies for telling him to get off his a$$.

My family were panicked when they heard I was pregnant - and amazed that I actually was pretty good at the whole mothering thing once the kid turned up.

I'm still not super-soppy over other peoples kids, but I do actually notice newborns in prams these days so it's progress!

As far as DH is concerned - I am no domestic goddess so the poor guy rarely came home to a cooked meal and if we hadn't had a cleaning lady the house would have been a bomb site, so I reckon I did pretty well.

My mother must have been a miracle worker though - my father was an eye surgeon when my sister and I were born and so worked massively long shifts at the hospital. My mother moved house on her own 2 days before my sister's due date - to a farm my dad decided he wanted (so they could be self-sufficient ) and she was expected to look after a newborn, a 20 month-old, 7 sheep, 6 goats, assorted poultry and a cider orchard single handed, plus have dinner (including a pudding) cooked for when he got home and the house reasonably tidy. I honestly don't know how she managed - especially as I was devil child...

 

[Laila619]

I don't just hate the name "push present" I hate the connotation that it's a "gift" to the woman at all. I don't even think I can explain this articulately but here goes. I'm all for commemorating. I'm all for women who enjoy sparkles to enjoy them for whatever reason and, if you like to celebrate an important event with jewelry, then childbirth/adoption is certainly right up there with the most of important of events. It's the idea that it's a gift to the woman, as if she has to hope to be a gift recipient to get this thing that bothers me. When a guy wants to buy himself something to commemorate whatever, does he have to pretend it was a gift from his wife?

[snip]

edited to clarify:
It's the idea that women need all these justifications that bother me. It doesn't matter about your stretch marks or sore nipples or midnight feeding/diaper changes -- because suffering isn't a requirement to get something nice. You want jewelry? Just get it!

Nicely said, Maria. If I want something, my hub (or I) will happily buy it for me, whether it's for a special occasion or just because. It doesn't need to be because I 'suffered' through something.

 

[icekid]

Therefore, I am all for Baby Bling and excited to see what EBF Celebration Bling is coming our way! I thiiiiiiink they will be big yummy oval diamond hoops! As hard as everything was, I have found that what the old wise ones say is true. You forget! We already want another one!!! EBF Earrings! A new trend????

Bliss! Good for you!! I am SO proud of all of us who stick with breastfeeding. Tomorrow will be 9 MONTHS for me- it has truly be a labor of love. I've done this despite working 80 hour weeks, and many overnights away from my baby. Everyone keeps asking how I've gotten this far, and it's because I want the best for little Jumper. And also because THIS is what I can still do for my baby when I spend many hours away.

And on the booby BF bling note- I bought MYSELF a little sparklie at the three month mark, after battling horrifically painful candida infection from the start. Why not?!?! This one IS deserved (I do have coffee though )

I do also have some "commemorative" pieces (yuck on the "push present" name), as well. A solitaire tsavorite garnet pendant that is my daily wear piece. And we're still working on my tsavorite ring (which will not be worn daily, as I work with my hands). They were not bought because I sacrificed so much in carrying and birthing my baby- but rather, because I wanted something special to mark and celebrate his birth, and the privilege of being his mommy.

Do what makes you happy. Celebrate how you want to celebrate. And if your hubby rocks (mine truly is an equal parent,) then celebrate him too!

 

[AmeliaG]

My mother must have been a miracle worker though - my father was an eye surgeon when my sister and I were born and so worked massively long shifts at the hospital. My mother moved house on her own 2 days before my sister's due date - to a farm my dad decided he wanted (so they could be self-sufficient ) and she was expected to look after a newborn, a 20 month-old, 7 sheep, 6 goats, assorted poultry and a cider orchard single handed, plus have dinner (including a pudding) cooked for when he got home and the house reasonably tidy. I honestly don't know how she managed - especially as I was devil child...

Was this in England, Pandora? It sounds like my college roommate's Swiss parents. He was the owner of a small company and she did everything else including jobs that I had thought were 'traditionally' male such as working with contractors to get the roof fixed. My roommate said, 'He doesn't do anything except work. They're both fine with that.'

It was kinda interesting to compare our backgrounds - our families practiced very traditional male/female roles but they were divided up quite differently. In her family, the attitude was that he was too important so it was the woman's job to get the roof fixed. In my family, my father was like 'A woman can't do this so I'd better.' Both sexist attitudes but with very different results.

 

[AmeliaG]

I don't just hate the name "push present" I hate the connotation that it's a "gift" to the woman at all. I don't even think I can explain this articulately but here goes. I'm all for commemorating. I'm all for women who enjoy sparkles to enjoy them for whatever reason and, if you like to celebrate an important event with jewelry, then childbirth/adoption is certainly right up there with the most of important of events. It's the idea that it's a gift to the woman, as if she has to hope to be a gift recipient to get this thing that bothers me. When a guy wants to buy himself something to commemorate whatever, does he have to pretend it was a gift from his wife?

I certainly don't think of a baby as a gift a woman gives to her husband and I don't think a woman needs to be given a present for having a child. But if she wants a piece of fine jewelry to commemorate the occasion and they can afford it, great!

My experience is I didn't get anything. At the time we were trying to figure out how to live on one income so luxury items were out of the question. Eighteen years later (this next Sunday to be exact), I am finally pushing this kid OUT to college and I may, now that we can afford it, get something to commemorate that!

edited to clarify:
It's the idea that women need all these justifications that bother me. It doesn't matter about your stretch marks or sore nipples or midnight feeding/diaper changes -- because suffering isn't a requirement to get something nice. You want jewelry? Just get it!

The bolded quotes really hit home with me Maria. I don't know a guy including my present BF who wants a gift from his SO to commemorate anything. He goes ahead and gets it himself and clues me in on it later. Or guys will get/do something nice for the couple but they don't ask permission.

Maybe this is going off on a tangent, but there seems to be a power play surrounding gifts sometimes. It's as if the person giving the gift has the power and the one receiving the gift does not. There may be a connection to the Four Languages of Love in that women seem more conditioned to seek Words of Affirmation and Gifts as signs of affection whereas men are more conditioned to seek Acts of Service. I definitely see that in some couples where the woman gives Acts of Service and the men give Words of Affirmation and Gifts in return. Sure there are exceptions, my BF likes a Word of Affirmation thrown in there every once in awhile and women are expecting more Acts of Service but what I've just begun to notice from my own breakup and others I've seen is when you ask couples the reason, she says, 'He didn't appreciate me. He didn't treat me right' and he says 'She wasn't the right one for me.' The women (including myself) just seem more passive and that doesn't sit well with me.

I'm trying in this relationship to remember to treat myself right. Hoo boy, that WAS a tangent but good discussion.

 

[movie zombie]

I don't just hate the name "push present" I hate the connotation that it's a "gift" to the woman at all. I don't even think I can explain this articulately but here goes. I'm all for commemorating. I'm all for women who enjoy sparkles to enjoy them for whatever reason and, if you like to celebrate an important event with jewelry, then childbirth/adoption is certainly right up there with the most of important of events. It's the idea that it's a gift to the woman, as if she has to hope to be a gift recipient to get this thing that bothers me. When a guy wants to buy himself something to commemorate whatever, does he have to pretend it was a gift from his wife?
[snip]
edited to clarify:
It's the idea that women need all these justifications that bother me. It doesn't matter about your stretch marks or sore nipples or midnight feeding/diaper changes -- because suffering isn't a requirement to get something nice. You want jewelry? Just get it!

Nicely said, Maria. If I want something, my hub (or I) will happily buy it for me, whether it's for a special occasion or just because. It doesn't need to be because I 'suffered' through something.

and therein lies the truth of the matter for me: its not that women have to be "selfless nurturers" but that they don't have to suffer to get something they want........which sounds even more sexist to me. and, of course, the fact that she can dang well buy something commerative for herself if she wants it rather than request that her husband do so.

but once again each to their own......

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I plan on buying a thin stacking band to wear with my thin wedding ring if and when we have a child. I really like the idea of having a physical representation of a joyous occassion. My wedding band is a vine to match the scripture from our wedding day, and I'd like to look down at my hand and see the rings that represent my family - a vine for my husband and other bands for out children. My husband couldn't care less about jewelry, so I will most likely pick it out myself, just like I picked out the wedding band. We can call it a mother's day present or a birth present or whatever - I don't care.

I agree with the above posters who asked why a woman needs to say it's a gift from their husband at all. I'm perfectly fine with picking out this ring myself. However, I think some women like the idea of it being "from" their husband because they think it makes it sound more romantic.

Also, this ring will sort of be a present from my husband in that he must approve the budget. I have to approve the budget when he wants to buy a new TV or laptop as well. I recently purchased a pair of diamond studs to celebrate passing my thesis defense. About half of the money came from my grandmother's graduation gift, but my husband had to approve the funds for the rest. He said, "I'll never think 1700 dollars on a pair of earrings is a good idea, but you deserve something nice for all your hard work. Get what you want." A week later, I used his same words, "I'll never think buying ANOTHER TV is a good idea, but you deserve to be as comfortable as you can be during deployment, so go ahead."

 

[Bliss]

Hahahahaha! Maria_D, I think I understand why it rubs some people the wrong way now. I agree!!! Sure, if I had no income or ability to buy things for myself and wanted a sparkly... and felt like I had to SUFFER through birthing hell and have a horrible experience to get it, then that would be INSANELY insulting and degrading! Heck naw! Yes, I agree! That would be awful and demeaning as a woman. I wouldn't even WANT a sparkly if it was "earned" from that sense of servitude. Ugh, I'd never be able to wear it if it were given under that kind of understanding or spirit. Ugh!!!

That having been stated, I would like to believe that most women here can WELL afford to buy their own sparklies with or without husband's input/approval/cash. I have bought many diamonds for myself on a whim and don't ever need to even ask DH. Just ask Yekutiel!!!! But some of my most *meaningful* pieces are the ones DH gave to me from his heart. Just putting on a piece from DH makes me feel warm inside and makes me glow. A gift like that is given from something that springs up from the wells of love and admiration. Why in the world would I refuse a beautiful gift from someone I love so very much? Why deny him the pleasure of honoring the mother of his child and giving her something from his heart? Not me! I will admit it a very shameful secret: I LIKE GETTING PRESENTS FROM MY HUSBAND! Hahahahaha! Actually, I would be alarmed if any wife *didn't* like getting surprise gifts from her husband. If you really hate it when your husband gives you a gift, please do speak up because I would be very interested in knowing why!

I am also laughing now because of your stretch mark comment because if I had gotten stretch marks, I'd need a really Stretch Mark Present!!!! That was my big fear during pregnancy, actually. But I kid. I had a beautiful birth story that I will cherish forever. My push present comes from the love of that magical moment when we became parents. I didn't even want a present for a while when DH was asking me for hints because there was really nothing I wanted. I had everything already.

But he still gave me a gift because he wanted to. You know when you love someone, you just want to give give give...you want to take off your shirt and give it to them because you love them so much. You want to go buy them organic raspberries and put them in the fridge as a small surprise. You want to bring them flowers. You want to cook them a nice dinner. You want to sing to them. When they do something special with you, you want to do something close to incredible because you are overcome with gratitude for being so blessed in the world. A baby is a huge blessing, is it not?

A push present isn't given because a woman suffered from the birth. The reason why so many women here say, "I suffered through x, y and z" is because some posts may be taken to imply that giving birth and being a new mom isn't an incredible feat of strength, beauty and love that should be recognized. It does not have to be celebrated with diamonds. Just happens to be the case maybe because new moms like diamonds! Hello! Not a surprise! We are on PS for a reason, aren't we? Thankfully, most DHs do "get it" because they were there being amazing partners and fathers. The real dads know because they're in the trenches with us, too. I know if the situation were reversed I'd be celebrating every milestone with something appropriate for him to enjoy as well. I would like to think that I do now.

ETA: CONGRATS, CIRCE!!!!!

AND CONGRATS, ICEKID!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, hardest thing I have ever done!!!!! So proud of myself, baby and DH... it really is something I am truly truly happy and proud of doing for her. Hardest. Thing. Ever. But soooo worth it, so amazing... WOWOWOWOWOW. Great job to you and congratulations! A big big big accomplishment!!!!!!!!!! Amazing!!!!!!! I know when I leave this planet, it will be something I will be proud of doing - giving the best of myself to that little bugger. Because so many times I really wanted to quit and switch to formula. It ranks as one of the most beautiful things I have ever done. Funny how the most beautiful things in my life that I treasure are things that I have done or given up for someone else? Maybe life and happiness are all about making *others* happy and fulfilled. Sigh. Anyway, I am SOOOO happy for you! I know you are a Superwoman from all of your struggles initially - you powered through and I think that's better than climbing Mt. Everest any day of the week!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Of course if I do not a present for whatever reason my DH gets pushed--or should I say shoved .....

cheers--Sharon

 

[beesha77]

Wonder if I can start a new trend....a gift for nursing kids? A booby bounty? A milk Present perhaps? Lol! come on I ebf'd twins for 13 months! Maybe a victorias secret spree or something after wearing those god awful nursing bras! Haha... I'm laughing at myself.

 

[centralsquare]

I think that the ladies need to post photos of their lovely push presents!

 

[MissStepcut]

I don't just hate the name "push present" I hate the connotation that it's a "gift" to the woman at all. I don't even think I can explain this articulately but here goes. I'm all for commemorating. I'm all for women who enjoy sparkles to enjoy them for whatever reason and, if you like to celebrate an important event with jewelry, then childbirth/adoption is certainly right up there with the most of important of events. It's the idea that it's a gift to the woman, as if she has to hope to be a gift recipient to get this thing that bothers me. When a guy wants to buy himself something to commemorate whatever, does he have to pretend it was a gift from his wife?
[snip]
edited to clarify:
It's the idea that women need all these justifications that bother me. It doesn't matter about your stretch marks or sore nipples or midnight feeding/diaper changes -- because suffering isn't a requirement to get something nice. You want jewelry? Just get it!

Nicely said, Maria. If I want something, my hub (or I) will happily buy it for me, whether it's for a special occasion or just because. It doesn't need to be because I 'suffered' through something.

and therein lies the truth of the matter for me: its not that women have to be "selfless nurturers" but that they don't have to suffer to get something they want........which sounds even more sexist to me. and, of course, the fact that she can dang well buy something commerative for herself if she wants it rather than request that her husband do so.

but once again each to their own......

Why are you framing it that way though? You don't HAVE to suffer, but if you do, and its for the sake of your family, you get a sparkly. I don't think that's sexist at all. As far as buying it for herself goes, does that only apply to couples who keep their money separate? Is it still buying it "for herself" if the money is combined? It's all fine and well to assume a woman has her own money, but if they are keeping the money separate and she just gave birth, wouldn't she likely be taking unpaid time off?

 

[Pandora II]

My mother must have been a miracle worker though - my father was an eye surgeon when my sister and I were born and so worked massively long shifts at the hospital. My mother moved house on her own 2 days before my sister's due date - to a farm my dad decided he wanted (so they could be self-sufficient ) and she was expected to look after a newborn, a 20 month-old, 7 sheep, 6 goats, assorted poultry and a cider orchard single handed, plus have dinner (including a pudding) cooked for when he got home and the house reasonably tidy. I honestly don't know how she managed - especially as I was devil child...

Was this in England, Pandora? It sounds like my college roommate's Swiss parents. He was the owner of a small company and she did everything else including jobs that I had thought were 'traditionally' male such as working with contractors to get the roof fixed. My roommate said, 'He doesn't do anything except work. They're both fine with that.'

It was kinda interesting to compare our backgrounds - our families practiced very traditional male/female roles but they were divided up quite differently. In her family, the attitude was that he was too important so it was the woman's job to get the roof fixed. In my family, my father was like 'A woman can't do this so I'd better.' Both sexist attitudes but with very different results.

Yes it was in the UK. Both my father and FIL are doctors and it was very much the case that they went to work and their wives did everything else because their jobs were more important... And my mother does indeed deal with all contractors - as do I. My husband wouldn't have a clue what to discuss with a builder, so I am always in charge of that kind of thing - even when we were both working equally long jobs - but then I was brought up knowing how to plaster a wall etc and so it's really easy for me to deal with the plumber so I don't mind.

The time I was really insulted was when I rang a company about some magnetic child locks on cupboards which didn't seem to work (turned out that a piece was missing). The first thing the guy at the company asked was if my husband was at home, when I said he was he asked me to pass the phone to him as it would be better if he explained to a man. By the time I'd finished explaining that my husband didn't know one end of a hammer from another and how unbelievably presumptious and sexist he had just been I don't think he'll make the same mistake again!

 

[rosetta]

My mother must have been a miracle worker though - my father was an eye surgeon when my sister and I were born and so worked massively long shifts at the hospital. My mother moved house on her own 2 days before my sister's due date - to a farm my dad decided he wanted (so they could be self-sufficient ) and she was expected to look after a newborn, a 20 month-old, 7 sheep, 6 goats, assorted poultry and a cider orchard single handed, plus have dinner (including a pudding) cooked for when he got home and the house reasonably tidy. I honestly don't know how she managed - especially as I was devil child...

Was this in England, Pandora? It sounds like my college roommate's Swiss parents. He was the owner of a small company and she did everything else including jobs that I had thought were 'traditionally' male such as working with contractors to get the roof fixed. My roommate said, 'He doesn't do anything except work. They're both fine with that.'

It was kinda interesting to compare our backgrounds - our families practiced very traditional male/female roles but they were divided up quite differently. In her family, the attitude was that he was too important so it was the woman's job to get the roof fixed. In my family, my father was like 'A woman can't do this so I'd better.' Both sexist attitudes but with very different results.

Yes it was in the UK. Both my father and FIL are doctors and it was very much the case that they went to work and their wives did everything else because their jobs were more important... And my mother does indeed deal with all contractors - as do I. My husband wouldn't have a clue what to discuss with a builder, so I am always in charge of that kind of thing - even when we were both working equally long jobs - but then I was brought up knowing how to plaster a wall etc and so it's really easy for me to deal with the plumber so I don't mind.

The time I was really insulted was when I rang a company about some magnetic child locks on cupboards which didn't seem to work (turned out that a piece was missing). The first thing the guy at the company asked was if my husband was at home, when I said he was he asked me to pass the phone to him as it would be better if he explained to a man. By the time I'd finished explaining that my husband didn't know one end of a hammer from another and how unbelievably presumptious and sexist he had just been I don't think he'll make the same mistake again!

Good for you pandora!

I'm not sure the whole I'm-a-doctor-so-I'm-not-doing-anything-but-my-important-job is going to cut it with me, so my husband will just have to muck in!