Really need some advice!

[SeattleSweetheart]

I really need some advice and please be candid. I really, really want to know what y''all think.

Some background info: I am 35 yrs old. I was married for 7 yrs, separated Sept 1 2006, divorced May 21 2007. I have now been living in my own apartment for 14 months.

After I moved out in Sept 2006, I took a train ride on Thanksgiving to visit my mom. I had invited my husband to go with me even though we were separated. When he declined the invitation, I knew our marriage was over for real. And I didn''t wear my wedding ring when I took the train ride.

On that fateful trip I met my current wonderful boyfriend

. We have now been dating for 12 months and we have talked about everything, money, religion, kids, work. We both have read Lies at the Altar and done all the questions. We looked at each other''s credit reports for full financial disclosure. I could not have dreamed of meeting a man better than Rob. We are such a great match and all our friends and family have told us this.

We recently picked out an antique engagement ring. At the time we both said that we were not ready to be engaged, but it was such a great price and exactly what I had been looking for, so he bought it. We agreed that he would propose in June 2008 and then we''d move in together sometime in August 2008. And we would get married in the summer of 2009. We both agreed that it is important to not rush into anything.

Last night over the phone he told me that he might want to propose in late December 2007 before we go visit his parents in Illinois, or he may propose while we''re out there visiting.

I don''t know what to think. Part of me is sooo excited, part of me wants to be divorced for a full year before getting engaged. And even if we got engaged now, we would still keep the wedding in the Summer of 2009.

So my questions are: Do any of you see a problem with getting engaged 6 months before we originally planned?

Do any of you think it is important for me to wait a full year after getting divorced before getting engaged?

Does it matter when we get engaged if we have already agreed on getting married in the summer of 2009?

I want to get engaged. I just don''t exactly trust myself to think rationally and need some outside perspective. Thank you all in advance!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 12/4/2007 5:47:39 PM
Author:SeattleSweetheart
So my questions are:
Do any of you see a problem with getting engaged 6 months before we originally planned?
Do any of you think it is important for me to wait a full year after getting divorced before getting engaged?
Does it matter when we get engaged if we have already agreed on getting married in the summer of 2009?

1. Only if you think there''s a problem.
2. No
3. No

I think it''s lovely you''ve found love again so quickly. One of my best friends is involved in a similar scenario and I''m happy for her too. Engagement is an adjustment period IMHO ... you''re not yet wholly committed, you''re moving toward being wholly committed. In a way THIS engagement is a technicality since you were both involved in selecting the ring & have a "plan". Don''t make up rules to keep yourself from feeling good about it if you DO in fact feel good about the situation. You only live once!

**said through the non-smoking side of my avatar** (please ignore the smoking side)

 

[TravelingGal]

Without knowing the details of your relationsihp, and just taking it at face value that it''s a good one, I''d say...

You''re 35 and know what you want. If he wants the same thing, go for it. I don''t see a problem with getting engaged a mere 6 months earlier. You still have 1.5 years until your wedding and that''s plenty of time to continue to get to know each other a bit.

Plus c''mon...you''re going to turn down an opportunity to get the ring early? Bling bling!

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

Thank you Decodelighted and Traveling Gal for responding so quickly!

He and I are still planning on doing pre-martial counseling before we move in together and also after we move in together. We are also going to take a test to show us where we might have some challenges that we will have to work extra hard on.

I never want to go through a divorce ever again, so I want to make sure I do everything possible to ensure the survival of this marriage. Of course the best first step is to find the right guy for me, which I have done.

Thanks again for your encouraging words!

If anyone else wants to put their two cents in, I''d appreciate it greatly.

 

[HollyS]

What''s with all the self-imposed restrictions? Timelines? Why 2009?

Move ahead at the speed that feels right to the both of you. This is the 21st century; you don''t have to explain to anyone why you didn''t wait a year after your divorce to become engaged.

If you''re 100 percent positive that this is THE GUY . . . say YES!

 

[KimberlyH]

The only opinions that matter are yours and his. If you feel ready and have done all the important stuff that should come with engagement and marriage (read: a ton of communication, laying all your cards on the table, all that good stuff you said you''ve done) then there''s no reason to wait just to wait for some arbitrary date you''ve set in your mind.

 

[Pandora II]

I''m going to hazard a guess that you are anticipating a load of snidey comments from people, and worried looks from your family etc.

I''m 35 as well, and I think that one knows far more about what you want/need in a life partner than you possibly do when you are much younger, and therefore it''s easier to move forward quite quickly.

If I look at some of my past relationships, several were longer than many marriages. I could easily have been in a divorce situation rather than a bf/gf break-up.

When I met FI, I knew within hours that he would be the man I married. That''s not to say I didn''t love some of my ex''s, I did, but it was a very different kind of love I felt and there were always these nagging thoughts in the back of the mind that meant I knew they weren''t the one.

My parent''s got engaged 2 weeks after meeting, married 5 months later and are totally besotted with each other 36 years later.

Another couple I know got engaged 2 days after they met (He was 24, she was 27 - and he was engaged to someone else!!

). They got married 9 weeks later. 3 years on, their first child was born 2 weeks ago.

So... move at your own pace and what feels right to both of you.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I wholeheartedly agree with everybody who's previously posted. What made you choose June of 2008 for an engagement? Is is simply because that will be when the divorce will have been finalized for a year? Is your lease up in Aug. of 2008 and you wanted to get engaged before taking the step to move in together? Was it just a timeline you and BF created randomly?

So long as you're comfortable getting married within the next few weeks, I see no reason why you should wait 6 more months--obviously you are going to continue focusing on your relationship with or without the ring and that is what is important. The timeframe of the wedding will stay the same regardless, so this way you can just enjoy being engaged for a few months before you have to start any planning at all Bonus!

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

Thank you HollyS, KimberlyH, PandoraII and NewEnglandLady for your encouragement and replies!

I was really expecting people to tell me to slow down. I love being 35 and having some major mistakes behind me. I learned some very important painful lessons from those mistakes.

To answer your question, NewEnglandLady, the June 2008 engagement date was so that I would have passed my 1yr anniversary on my divorce. The move in time was set because I wanted to be engaged before moving in together and it can take a couple of months to find a good apartment in Seattle. I moved in with my ex before getting engaged and hated waiting for him to propose. I vowed to never do that again.

Our individual rents are month to month so we could move in together any time we want. We''re just waiting until it feels right to both of us. I''m not quite ready to give up my fabulous one-person apartment just yet.

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 12/4/2007 6:57:51 PM
Author: Pandora II
I''m going to hazard a guess that you are anticipating a load of snidey comments from people, and worried looks from your family etc.

This is how your post made me feel too. You know what though, there are just some people our there who get all judgey-judgey regardless of what you do. But usually those people are the ones who aren''t very happy in the first place and want to be critical of people who are happy regardless of the fact that they didn''t do things "by the book." So, maybe from the outside, getting engaged 6 months after your divorce doesn''t look nice and polished, but if you have found someone you are crazy about and whom you are willing to risk marrying despite your previous experience with marriage, well then that sounds like the right thing to do, even if it is sudden. I know several people who divorced and remarried quickly. Plus, it seems to me like once you know what you DON''T want, it''s easier to be 100% sure when you''ve found what you DO want.

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

Thanks Fancy605!

You are so right about knowing what I don''t want.

I made a list, before I separated from my ex, listing exactly what I did want in a man. When I started dating Rob I went down the list and was so happy when I saw that he matched everything I had listed. I was so happy and surprised that I''d found someone so quickly that was exactly who I wanted in my life.

Thanks again everyone who posted. I really appreciate it!