Should I ask him to spend more? And how???

[diamondlove]

hi winternight,

I just read through this entire thread and had to chime in. We have a lot of similarities and my differing outlook on spending from my fiance's is not very different from what you have shared or what Mara has shared about her and her husband's. My fiance makes good money but is a very practical person. I am very self sufficient, support my expensive shopping habits and own my own house.

When we first skimmed over the topic of e-rings way back when, I knew that we would have a different outlook on the budget of the ring. I wanted it to be his choice and up to him but I wanted his 'choice' to be something i'd be happy with because neither of us believe in upgrades. What I found was the best approach was to not base it on the price but give him specs and let him do some research and let him spend however much he decides he is comfortable with to give you what you want.

Once my fiance had a general idea of style, quality (H&A, Tiffany Quality +, or Hearts on Fire) and size range (min-max) (yes, I had a max. I didn't want him to pass) I'd be happy with, he did his own research and bc of that he actually ended up spending more than I expected or would've asked for but HE chose to do that of his own accord so HE was happy spending $$ more than he originally thought he would.

I have lots of jewelry from Tiffany's (including a diamond necklace) and always thought I'd have an e-ring from Tiffany's but after I did my own research I was actually the one who told my fiance NOT to buy my ring from Tiffany's bc I wanted a better cut diamond (my e-ring outsparkles my necklace by far)at a better value so I wanted him to research on pricescope and look into H&A stones. He is and he is quite glad he did.

It's up to you what your 'ideal' is but like what others also said, it may be more helpful for you to focus on what you really want rather than the budget and let him worry about finding something that will make you happy with what he's comfortable spending.

As for the sparkle of the diamond-- ALL of the people around me constantly ask why my ring is so sparkly and shiny and we have people in our circle who own 2 carat Tiffany solitaires so it's not from lack of exposure to quality stuff.

Sorry for the long reply but HTH!

ETA: just to help you out in your research, I also agree that you should visit Good Old Gold (http://www.goodoldgold.com/) on Long Island or at least their website bc they have good stuff and information but I also want to share that my diamond was from Superbcert (http://www.superbcert.com/) who is located in NYC if you happen to be there bc they have great stuff too (they both carry H&A diamonds).

 

[lojack_ii]

Date: 11/14/2006 8:49:32 PM
Author: winternight

Date: 11/14/2006 8:05:04 PM

Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/14/2006 7:50:38 PM

Author: lojack_ii

Is having a ''Tiffany'' ring or whatever you want really worth all of this?

Her future FIANCE is the one who wants to buy from Tiffany ... and, it''s pretty ironic & hyporcritical for you to name-call & insult someone for wanting a 1 ct ring when you yourself purchased a ONE CARAT STONE TODAY!

LMAO.

Ya, I did, but my girlfriend didn''t or wouldn''t TELL ME to buy something more and that what I bought was not good enough. It was my decision based on my situation (grad student) with the budget that I was able to use. I find it ridiculous that she is so concerned with this stuff and that 6K is not good enough. I got what I think is a pretty good 1ct (esp. for my budget) for $4,500. I know you can get a great diamond for 6k and she wants him to jump that up to $10-12,000! Nice.

 

[angeline]

Date: 11/15/2006 12:01:30 AM
Author: lojack_ii

Date: 11/14/2006 8:49:32 PM

Author: winternight

Date: 11/14/2006 8:05:04 PM


Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/14/2006 7:50:38 PM


Author: lojack_ii


Is having a ''Tiffany'' ring or whatever you want really worth all of this?

Her future FIANCE is the one who wants to buy from Tiffany ... and, it''s pretty ironic & hyporcritical for you to name-call & insult someone for wanting a 1 ct ring when you yourself purchased a ONE CARAT STONE TODAY!

LMAO.

Ya, I did, but my girlfriend didn''t or wouldn''t TELL ME to buy something more and that what I bought was not good enough. It was my decision based on my situation (grad student) with the budget that I was able to use. I find it ridiculous that she is so concerned with this stuff and that 6K is not good enough. I got what I think is a pretty good 1ct (esp. for my budget) for $4,500. I know you can get a great diamond for 6k and she wants him to jump that up to $10-12,000! Nice.

yeah well they''re not grad students are they? why should YOUR budget be good enough for everybody? why can''t they make their own budget? she hasn''t TOLD her FI anything yet. She''s just thinking about it. Surely that''s allowed? Other people might find 6K a ridiculous amount and wouldn''t you be miffed if they told you that you were being ridiculous?

 

[lojack_ii]

Date: 11/14/2006 8:15:18 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Date: 11/14/2006 7:55:08 PM

Author: lojack_ii



Buy your own ring then. You are so spoiled it is nausiating.

Rude people don''t stay around here very long.

Well, I guess they can kick me off then. Opinions aren''t accepted here unless they are what everyone wants to hear. In my OPINION, princess needs to keep her mind on what is important in life. There is nothing wrong with a reality check. I''m sure there are a lot of men out there who agree with me and were at least somewhat put off my this woman''s attitude, it''s just unfortunate that this thread is dominated by the RECEIVERS of diamond rings, and a little light on the GIVERS.

 

[angeline]

I think opinions are accepted - you''re just couching your opinion in a very abrupt and personally rude manner and making all sorts of judgements about this girl on a personal level.

And by the way, I''m giving myself my ring.

a

 

[lojack_ii]

yeah well they''re not grad students are they? why should YOUR budget be good enough for everybody? why can''t they make their own budget? she hasn''t TOLD her FI anything yet. She''s just thinking about it. Surely that''s allowed? Other people might find 6K a ridiculous amount and wouldn''t you be miffed if they told you that you were being ridiculous?

Angeline:

I wasn''t implying that they use MY budget, I was just putting it out there because from reading many posts in this thread I expected to get a few insults about my "cheapness" because I can only afford a $4,500 diamond.

My point is that if her boyfriend feels comfortable at or around $6k then she shouldn''t be disappointed with that, but instead appreciate what she has (the ring and the relationship).

 

[diamondglee]

My BF/fiance and I also make well over 6 figures each, but I wouldnt ever ask him to spend WAY more than the budget HE set. We have no debt, but our money still is allocated to other places/priorities. After all, it is still his money, and I would feel selfish and superficial for asking him to double his budget.

I would encourage him to shop wisely and demonstrate the cost savings associated with not buying a brand name such as Tiffany's,

Upgrades can always be done for anniversaries.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 11/15/2006 12:07:30 AM
Author: lojack_ii

Date: 11/14/2006 8:15:18 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Date: 11/14/2006 7:55:08 PM

Author: lojack_ii



Buy your own ring then. You are so spoiled it is nausiating.

Rude people don''t stay around here very long.

Well, I guess they can kick me off then. Opinions aren''t accepted here unless they are what everyone wants to hear. In my OPINION, princess needs to keep her mind on what is important in life. There is nothing wrong with a reality check. I''m sure there are a lot of men out there who agree with me and were at least somewhat put off my this woman''s attitude, it''s just unfortunate that this thread is dominated by the RECEIVERS of diamond rings, and a little light on the GIVERS.

Nobody is going to kick you off, but you need to be more tactful in your delivery and less insulting. Seriously!!! I think she gets your point by now, and it''s time for you to understand her perspective as well. Or just agree to disagree. But she''s here to explore her options, learn and get advice. Nothing wrong in that!!!!

 

[angeline]

Date: 11/15/2006 12:12:22 AM
Author: lojack_ii

Angeline:


I wasn''t implying that they use MY budget, I was just putting it out there because from reading many posts in this thread I expected to get a few insults about my ''cheapness'' because I can only afford a $4,500 diamond.


My point is that if her boyfriend feels comfortable at or around $6k then she shouldn''t be disappointed with that, but instead appreciate what she has (the ring and the relationship).

Oh, oops. Re-reading that I did get the wrong end of the stick - my apologies. a

 

[Adylon]

Have you ever considered this is maybe a test? Maybe he''s just trying to see how much of a gold-digger you are Or maybe he wants you to be extra surprised when he gets you a 5ct rock.

Maybe he''s a very saavy investor and has reason to believe the diamond market is going to crash, like I do.

Perhaps he doesn''t want you to wear some giant rock for fear of getting mugged on the streets and having your jewelry robbed from you like your mother.

Whatever his motives are, I''m sure he loves you and wants the best for you, and if you don''t believe that, maybe you shouldn''t marry him? Sorry.

 

[nespa]

winternight -

our friend lojack was simply helping me demonstrate the tactful approach.

i still think you need to let him know that you''d simply prefer to spend a bit on the ring & really "do it up". more could be $1K, $2K, whatever.

but i COMPLETELY AGREE with you that $6K *seems* like it will buy a lot but simply doesn''t these days.

that isn''t to say that you can''t find a great deal AND get what you want - which would obviously be best. plus, when your friends look at the ring & say "isn''t that BEAUTIFUL!" you won''t want the next thought in your head to be "yes it is, and we saved $1,257 and 4 cents". i mean, this is a once in a lifetime shot.

unless of course you plan on getting married every 5 years. then it''s simply impolite to ask him to spend more, because of the circumstance.

(kidding)

anyway, some thoughts that may help out:

1) obv., get some *ideas* from tiffany''s & other stores, such as Graff Jewelers or other fun "biggie" shops. see if you can find a reputable shop to help you replicate or come close to original design (from what i remember, the pricescope resources i called were all reasonable & willing to replicate designs to the best of their ability).

2) go ring shopping with your friends if he doesn''t have a lot of extra time...then bring him back there "by accident". and with all this dropping hints stuff i''m making the assumption that he''d be responsive to that - but if he''s busy & would rather go for convenience that would help him, too.

3) xmas time is "rough". and by "rough" i mean "fun". unfortunately those of us purchasing at this time have a more difficult time in term of what''s available & finding what we want & getting it on time, etc. etc.

4) as i mentioned, i used BlueNile and jewelryzone.com to get an idea of what is a "fair" price. keep in mind that jewelryzone has less girdle info... and blueNile has girdle info on the left (as you highlight a row / move your mouse over it, it appears). NOTE: THIS IS THE "FIND YOUR PERFECT DIAMOND" SEARCH

5) it took me a year because i wanted to surprise her/didn''t want her to completely expect it (we talked about it & she was comfortable & let me know that i can take my time, which took the pressure off). i mean, we both *know* it (as much as you can) and we both feel it, and it''s a lifetime...so what''s an extra year? i really wanted to get her something special...so it''s ironic that it took me a while to figure out what *fair* prices are for stones... and then i wind up going back to tiffany''s.

another factor for me was replicating the setting she wanted - i didn''t feel comfortable that a replication would have done the ring justice. and it was pretty costly - most places were quoting $3K for the setting alone. let''s not forget that EVERYONE said "and our sidestones are G or better"...just like everyone says "we don''t use MSG in our cooking". but i can only guarantee the stone itself - i''d have to assume what they say about the setting is true.

so an approximate 15% savings to me was just not worth it -- i''ve spent far too many lunch hours & weekends to shop for this thing that my time is worth the price difference. That was my rationale anyway.

if the setting isn''t that complicated / tricky to reproduce, i''d recommend the most bang for your buck --purchase the stone online & replicate the setting.

hope that helps & good luck!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/15/2006 12:12:22 AM
Author: lojack_ii
I expected to get a few insults about my ''cheapness'' because I can only afford a $4,500 diamond.

But you didn''t get insults, did you? And there''s no reason for you to insult ANYONE here either with names like "Princess".

I think it''s LOVELY that you''re taking such care & spending time researching & getting your future fiance a rock you''re sure she''ll love. AND staying within what you find to be a reasonable budget.

Some people have more $$ than time. Winternight''s fiance doesn''t seem to want to spend a lot of TIME researching rings/diamonds etc. PERHAPS *that* is some of why she''s feeling less than ecstatic. If you READ BETWEEN THE LINES instead of jumping on what you determine is "spoiled" behavior & ranting .. maybe you''ll be more compassionate.

FYI -- re: more mature, mid-career couples who are used to "big purchases" it''s quite hard for independent professional women to sit back & just enjoy whatever they are given. We like to be involved in the process. And have some say in the piece of jewelry we''ll be wearing FOREVER.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/15/2006 12:31:32 AM
Author: Adylon
Whatever his motives are, I''m sure he loves you and wants the best for you, and if you don''t believe that, maybe you shouldn''t marry him? Sorry.

Say wha? She really had a long-term gold-digger plan, getting that advanced degree & six figure salary herself.

It doesn''t matter WHAT her FF''s motives are ... she has EVERY RIGHT to pipe up and ask for what she wants. He ALREADY TOLD HER he didn''t want to influence her decision by even offering his own opinion. She''s just getting up the courage to tell him WHAT HE WANTS TO KNOW!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:09:33 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/15/2006 12:31:32 AM
Author: Adylon
Whatever his motives are, I''m sure he loves you and wants the best for you, and if you don''t believe that, maybe you shouldn''t marry him? Sorry.

Say wha? She really had a long-term gold-digger plan, getting that advanced degree & six figure salary herself.

It doesn''t matter WHAT her FF''s motives are ... she has EVERY RIGHT to pipe up and ask for what she wants. He ALREADY TOLD HER he didn''t want to influence her decision by even offering his own opinion. She''s just getting up the courage to tell him WHAT HE WANTS TO KNOW!

I know Deco!! Ughhhh.

 

[gail013]

wow-kinda interesting how emotional these responses are. It seems that the "givers" are a bit more sensitive than the "receivers".

I was just thinking how funny it would be if a "giver" and a "receiver" in the same relationship were both unknowingly involved in this thread, and each digging in their diamond heels against the other.

 

[Mara]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:05:27 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/15/2006 12:12:22 AM
Author: lojack_ii
I expected to get a few insults about my ''cheapness'' because I can only afford a $4,500 diamond.

But you didn''t get insults, did you? And there''s no reason for you to insult ANYONE here either with names like ''Princess''.

Thank you, I thought the same thing. Lojack, your delivery needs some serious work. Honestly, I highly doubt many want to hear your OPINION when it''s phrased in such a rude, sexist, and absolutely insulting way.

People may not agree with winternight''s wanting to ask her BF for more cashola for the bling, but to call her names or say that maybe he''s testing her for a gold-digger is just flat out rude especially when she has been nothing but respectful to others in this thread regardless of what is thrown at her. Come on people.

 

[Adylon]

I didn''t intend to be rude, I''m sorry if it came out that way. It was meant more as a joke.. What I was really trying to say is why don''t you find out what his true motives are for picking out the budget he has before you decide to persuade him otherwise?

What kind of car does he drive, by the way?

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:41:03 AM
Author: Adylon
I didn''t intend to be rude, I''m sorry if it came out that way. It was meant more as a joke.. What I was really trying to say is why don''t you find out what his true motives are for picking out the budget he has before you decide to persuade him otherwise?

What kind of car does he drive, by the way?

Oh you didn''t come across as funny to me. You were pretty insulting, and I love people with a good sense of humor. But didn''t get that from your judgemental post. Read it again, words speak volumes!!!

 

[strmrdr]

Well my responce would be hit the road seeya if my gal had tried to up my ring budget.
But my gal would never dream of doing so :}

interesting that 90% of the people saying go for it are Ladies and 90% saying no way are guys.
Think about that, you willing to get told to hit the road over it?

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:47:47 AM
Author: strmrdr
Well my responce would be hit the road seeya if my gal had tried to up my ring budget.

Well it speaks VOLUMES that you'd rather tell your true love to "hit the road" than have a mature, two-way, mutually respectful discussion about the topic.

And .. I'm kinda sick of people MISSING THE POINT. Though the post title might be "Should I ask him to spend more" .. that's NOT ACTUALLY WHAT WE"VE BEEN DISCUSSING as anyone who's READ this thread would know.

MOSTLY we've been discussing ways BOTH of their needs could be met ...

HIS for a $6,000 budget
HERS for a one carat ring.

The general consensus .. from BOTH sexes is FORGET THE SHOPPING AT TIFFANY'S PART and look further into BUYING ONLINE.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:52:11 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/15/2006 1:47:47 AM
Author: strmrdr
interesting that 90% of the people saying go for it are Ladies and 90% saying no way are guys.

Think about that, you willing to get told to hit the road over it?

Well it speaks VOLUMES that you''d rather tell your true love to ''hit the road'' than have a mature, two-way, mutually respectful discussion about the topic.

And .. I''m kinda sick of people MISSING THE POINT. Though the post title might be ''Should I ask him to spend more'' .. that''s NOT ACTUALLY WHAT WE''VE BEEN DISCUSSING as anyone who''s READ this thread would know.

MOSTLY we''ve been discussing ways BOTH of their needs could be met ...

HIS for a $6,000 budget
HERS for a one carat ring.

The general consensus .. from BOTH sexes is FORGET THE SHOPPING AT TIFFANY''S PART and look further into BUYING ONLINE.

Deco, I thought you were going to hit some booze and go to sleep, lol.

Glad you posted. Now I don''t have type extra letters.

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:52:11 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/15/2006 1:47:47 AM
Author: strmrdr
interesting that 90% of the people saying go for it are Ladies and 90% saying no way are guys.

Think about that, you willing to get told to hit the road over it?

Well it speaks VOLUMES that you''d rather tell your true love to ''hit the road'' than have a mature, two-way, mutually respectful discussion about the topic.

No,

It means id never marry a materialistic gal.
And there are a lot of guys out there that feel the same.

.....................
As far as going online for a better deal goes thats good advice.

 

[winternight]

Date: 11/15/2006 12:07:30 AM
Author: lojack_ii


Well, I guess they can kick me off then. Opinions aren''t accepted here unless they are what everyone wants to hear. In my OPINION, princess needs to keep her mind on what is important in life. There is nothing wrong with a reality check. I''m sure there are a lot of men out there who agree with me and were at least somewhat put off my this woman''s attitude, it''s just unfortunate that this thread is dominated by the RECEIVERS of diamond rings, and a little light on the GIVERS.

"I wasn''t implying that they use MY budget, I was just putting it out there because from reading many posts in this thread I expected to get a few insults about my "cheapness" because I can only afford a $4,500 diamond."

Ok, enough. You clearly have some issues with the amount of money that you spent on your engagement ring - you''re worried that people will call you cheap for spending $4,500 (and maybe that your fiance secretly thinks you''re cheap and is unsatisfied every time she looks at it) - you''re freaking out because some woman in cyber-space doesn''t find a $6,000 budget particularly exciting and has the resources herself to outspend your budget. You''re freaking out so much that you''re hurling around sexist phrases, like "Princess" which leads me to think that you have issues with women in general, and in particular with a woman who is used to things that you couldn''t provide. If you only knew what a pair of Manolos cost...

 

[diamondfan]

I think a good point is made:

If he, not from Tiffany''s, found her a gorgeous one carat stone of nice color cut etc, and it was more within his budget it is a win win to me.

And I think it is best, whatever the outcome, to be honest in a kind way. In this instance it is over a material item, at other points in time it might be something else. I think it is best for her to identify her feelings and find a way to communicate them so they can talk and figure it out.

 

[Adylon]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:46:19 AM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 11/15/2006 1:41:03 AM

Author: Adylon

I didn't intend to be rude, I'm sorry if it came out that way. It was meant more as a joke.. What I was really trying to say is why don't you find out what his true motives are for picking out the budget he has before you decide to persuade him otherwise?


What kind of car does he drive, by the way?

Oh you didn't come across as funny to me. You were pretty insulting, and I love people with a good sense of humor. But didn't get that from your judgemental post. Read it again, words speak volumes!!!

I hope you can see my point however. It's like 2 employees that want a raise. Employee #1 just goes straight to her boss and asks for a raise, laying out all her arguements why she feels she is entitled to one. Employee #2 finds out what she needs to do to get the raise and does it, and if she can do so without even asking him, even better.

If you were the boss, which employee would you give the raise too?

Like I said I think you need to determine why he set the budget where he has before you decide to ask for a bigger budget.

Even if I was a billionaire, I would never give my fiance anything bigger then 1.5cts. Because I would want her to wear it everyday, and without fear of losing it, getting robbed, etc.

 

[KristyDarling]

Winternight, you''ve been given some great advice and please do NOT feel bad about opening up a dialogue with your BF about the ring. It just sounds like you two reeeeally need to talk about it....that''s all. My guess is you''ve never really told him how meaningful this ring is to you, and how much you appreciate a high-quality piece of jewelry. I have a feeling he''ll understand. Go for it!

I''m tired of the old-fashioned attitude of men as givers and women as receivers....that women should just be grateful for whatever they''re given, period. A lot of men don''t "get" that we women want to LOVE our ring....YES we understand that it''s the love and the relationship that counts most (duh! like we need someone to tell us that)....YES we understand that the size of the diamond is not correlated with how much he loves her. But here''s the thing: some women like small and dainty, others like large and blingy. NEITHER IS BETTER THAN THE OTHER. It''s just an aesthetic, that is all. If a woman wants her financially strapped BF to buy her a 20K ring, then yes she needs to lower expectations and maybe look into a vendor with a great upgrade policy (there''s always 5th, 10th, 20th anniversaries). BUT....if a couple are both good earners with a bright financial future ahead, there is absolutely no reason why she can''t let her BF know exactly what she wants. It''s all about *being reasonable within your means.* And that is Winternight. She does not strike me as princessy at all. Not one bit.

And kudos to you, Winter, for remaining classy and polite even when others are not.

You are a better woman than I, that''s fer sure!

 

[Mara]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:47:47 AM
Author: strmrdr
Think about that, you willing to get told to hit the road over it?

Just as you say you would never marry a 'materialistic gal'...I would never consider marrying a man who would tell me to 'hit the road' over wanting to simply DISCUSS the potential of adding more money to the ring budget. It's surely a good thing there are all types of people for everyone, isn't it.

 

[rockymountain]

Wow an interesting topic. Being a giver, my first reaction was wow you shouldnt ask for more than what he is willing to give. But after understanding the situation and seeing from both perspective, I think its fine for you to negotiate, allthough it would have been better if the guy initiate it first.

I know I did have the carat size conversation with my gf

And I was totally fine with it. We bargained and shopped together looked at various sizes and I managed to pursuade her to downgrade from her previous carat size expectations

But overall we are both really happy and benefitted from the conversation and end result. Both got what they wanted from this carat size negotiations.

Also, since you can also bargain in getting a part of the budget reserved for the wedding and put it into the ring as you have allready mentioned. Maybe reduce the mount of flowers

or tables or decorations etc. Rather than accepting what you get now and being unhappy its better for you to talk about it. Or you can always be patient and get married and get an upgrade later on when he is in a really really good mood

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 11/15/2006 2:04:31 AM
Author: Mara

Date: 11/15/2006 1:47:47 AM
Author: strmrdr
Think about that, you willing to get told to hit the road over it?

Just as you say you would never marry a ''materialistic gal''...I would never consider marrying a man who would tell me to ''hit the road'' over wanting to simply DISCUSS the potential of adding more money to the ring budget. It''s surely a good thing there are all types of people for everyone, isn''t it.

I think we have had this conversation bout a million times now over the years LOL.
And yea its a good thing :}

 

[Mara]

Date: 11/15/2006 2:11:19 AM
Author: strmrdr

Date: 11/15/2006 2:04:31 AM
Author: Mara

Date: 11/15/2006 1:47:47 AM
Author: strmrdr
Think about that, you willing to get told to hit the road over it?

Just as you say you would never marry a ''materialistic gal''...I would never consider marrying a man who would tell me to ''hit the road'' over wanting to simply DISCUSS the potential of adding more money to the ring budget. It''s surely a good thing there are all types of people for everyone, isn''t it.

I think we have had this conversation bout a million times now over the years LOL.
And yea its a good thing :}

It''s like eating comfort food. A staple of PS.