Should I be upset?

[SuLi]

Hi everyone!

I wanted to share a situation with everyone that my FI and I are currently in. I''m not sure if I should be upset about it, but people around us are making a big deal out of it, and I wonder if there is something wrong with me for not being more upset.

We are getting married/eloping later this year, on our tenth anniversary. It''s a significant milestone for us, and getting married on that date would make it even more special. Initially, we were thinking about pushing back the date because I work in the political field and can''t take time off as October is the homestretch for us. However, after much thinking, we decided to take a long weekend and get married on our anniversary. We will be going on our honeymoon to Europe in spring 2009 after all the craziness is over work-wise.

Here''s the situation: My FI''s cousin recently got engaged, and we found out a few days ago that they decided to get married two days after us. I got an e-mail from my FI''s cousin''s FI apologizing for the date, saying that they felt really bad about it, but already put down their deposits before they found out that we were also getting married that weekend.

I am a very easy-going person, and I did not want a big fuss over MY wedding, so that''s why we decided to elope. But, everyone who knows about this particular "date" situation has been calling/e-mailing me suggesting that I should be upset.

My FI''s family are planning a shower for me because they are worried that I will feel left out, which is really sweet of them. But, I feel like people are not respecting our wishes -- I HATE being the center of attention and can''t imagine being fawned over. Throughout our entire engagement, I have been really stressed out by other people''s reactions to how we want to get married. We''re the only ones that have decided to have a more private wedding, and we get the sense that family and friends are are not entirely thrilled about it.

But back to the original situation (sorry for the tangent)...Am I supposed to be upset? In all fairness, we didn''t officially tell people that we "set" the date until recently, although we''ve mentioned this particular date to family and friends since last April when we got engaged.

My FI and I were going to go away that weekend, but now also feel obligated (maybe that''s too strong of a word) to go to the wedding because my FI is close to this cousin. I don''t mind because it''s a chance to see family and friends, and because I am me, I actually worry that we''ll be stealing their thunder a little a bit since we would have been married only two days.

I''m just really stressed out in general. I find this whole "wedding" situation creating extress stress in my life that I don''t need since I''m already so stressed out at work. We decided to elope because it was supposed to be easy, but has turned out to be much harder than I thought.

Thanks for letting me vent...

 

[mimzy]

if your initial reaction was "that''s okay", then there''s no reason to try to twist your emotions to be more fitting to what other people think you should be feeling. i understand where they are coming from, but if you aren''t, then you aren''t, and that''s perfectly okay.

as to whether or not to go to the wedding, i would let your FI decide that one. it''s his cousin, and he might have strong feelings about it one way or the other. if he did want to go, is there any way that you could still go away for the weekend, just leave a half a day earlier so it makes it a little more worth it?

 

[ladyciel]

SuLi, it sounds like everyone is projecting what THEY''RE feeling onto YOU - don''t let it get to you, hon! You wanted an elopement, and now you''re almost completely sure to have it, right? Nobody thinking they can tag along uninvited, and your FI''s cousin''s wedding can keep all of the busybodies nice and distracted while you sneak away. If your initial reaction was that it was ok, then that''s what you should be feeling. Don''t resent your natural emotions because others find them surprising.

I agree that whether or not to attend the cousin''s wedding should be up to your FI, but it sounds like they (cousin and soon-wife, at least) will be really understanding if you don''t. You did in fact already have BIG plans for that weekend, and people understand that crap happens and not EVERYONE can make it to EVERY wedding. If having every single person attend was the bride and groom''s biggest priority, they would have asked around about the date enough to have heard that "oooooh, yeah...umm....your cousin is going away for his elopement that weekend".

 

[bee*]

If it doesn''t bother you then that''s the main thing! I think that people are feeling upset probably on your behalf thinking that you''re upset about it, but if you''re not that''s great. Don''t feel bad just because people want you to.

 

[scm1012]

Please don''t let others prompt negative feelings in you!!!! I think it''s fantastic what you''re doing...even if it is 2 days before your FI''s cousins get married.

The way I see it, there is no way around disappointments when it comes to weddings/marriages/engagements/elopements. SUCKS!!!!! It''s supposed to be such a happy time and yet it seems like everyone else has to make it miserable for the couple getting married.

Please please stay positive like you''ve been and brush all the drama off your shoulders.

FI and I were engaged in December and set our date for 09-21-09. We are planning to elope and we are happy with our decision. No one has really flat out asked us yet what our plans are but my FMIL has asked me twice why we are waiting so long to get married. Um....it''s like a year and a half. How is that "so long?" One reason is, we don''t want to rush. We want to take our time in taking such a huge step in life...we want to ease into it. And also, we are waiting for all the excitement from our families to die down so we can tell them we are eloping....ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don''t want drama, I don''t want to overspend on obligatory crap that will only satisfy everyone else besides us....the list goes on.

So when FMIL complains....I just ignore her. I pretty much ignore everyone who makes stupid comments to me that go against our plans/wishes. I just tell people, "We are happy with our decisions and that is all that matters to us."

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[musey]

If you''re not upset about it, there''s no reason to try to make yourself feel upset! Most people would get upset about such a thing but wish that they could just not be bothered by it, as you are. So be glad you''re being a relaxed bride

As for the weekend getaway vs. the wedding thing... could you go the next weekend? I know it wouldn''t be the same as if you left right after the wedding, but it would still be fun!

 

[Independent Gal]

I agree with the others. If you were eloping anyway, and this doesn''t really affect your plans, then why be upset?

 

[allycat0303]

I don`t think you should ever be convinced into being upset about anything. I think that if you are eloping (I assume that means just you your husband to be and maybe close family?) I don''t see why you would be upset. Maybe the people around you are upset on your behalf.

 

[goldenstar]

I don't see any reason to be upset. You are eloping and not having a wedding so there's not really a conflict.

Maybe people around you are making a big deal of it because they're already unhappy about your choice to elope. Just try to feel secure in your decisions and don't let them get to you.

 

[neatfreak]

Don''t stress over someone elses stress! Yes many brides might be upset, but you are not one of them and that is fantastic! I also think it''s nice of your FI''s cousin to contact you and try to make it right. Many people wouldn''t do that.

 

[sera]

I wouldn''t be upset... It''s not like it was something intentional to show you up or something, so it wouldn''t be an issue for me. For those who are telling you that you should be upset... I would politely reply that it doesn''t upset me and if they continue blow ''em off.

 

[D2B]

Dont let other people tell you how you should be feeling.
Now, if I read this right, the other couple didnt know when you were getting married, set a date and then once they found out aplogised/explained. well done for them and you for being adult about it all.
I just dont get the issue here, why on earth would other people be upset for you, or want you to be upset, they had no idea about your date, other people are being very precious about this whole thing and stuff like this makes me think of all the bridzilla stories, (not you in this case however

)

Enjoy your wonderful wedding and I hope your relatives enjoy theirs as well. Ignore the others, there are enough worries and stresses in life without adding to them for no reason.

D2B

 

[SuLi]

Thanks for all the sound advice. I do feel better about the whole situation. I''m really trying my best to be as relaxed as possible and to hold my ground on eloping. While everyone around us is well-intentioned, it has been stressful when it really doesn''t have to be.

Thanks again!