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Should I wear my ring??

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IluvEmeralds

IluvEmeralds

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 13, 2008
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317
Okay Ladies I NEED YOUR HONEST OPINIONS here.
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Please forgive me if this post is a bit long...but I feel I need to give some back story to this whole thing to make my question clear. Okay, so my sister is getting married in November and I am in her wedding. They have been together about 5 years (the same as my BF/FI and I). However we were not surprised when she got engaged b/c they had been telling us all about the journey. My BF ...well I guess FI and I have been very quiet about our intentions. About a month or so ago, we started looking very seriously about getting a custom set done, and finally found the perfect jeweler to do it for us. So we placed the order...and have begun the work. HOWEVER...during the search one of my mom/sister''s friends saw me in the store, and later told my mom.
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They all jumped to conclusions that I was trying to "steal my sister''s thunder", and basically laid down a "family rule" that I can''t get engaged until next year so that my sister has her "year" for her perfect wedding.
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So.....of course I said nothing about us working on my ring and kept quiet. I figured it wouldn''t be done in time for my sister''s wedding so it wouldn''t be an issue. However, we just got back from our jeweler this afternoon and he seems to think that my ring will be done in October.
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So....(and I''m sorry this has been so long...) my MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION is....should I wear my ering proudly to my sister''s wedding and just hope that my family can be happy for both of us at the same time? OR.. should I just swallow my ever growing desire to have my ring...and just wait until AFTER her wedding to show it off? I don''t want to make anyone upset...but at the same time...I love my ring already and I am still hoping that they can be happy for ME too.
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I have no intentions of stealing anyone''s thunder. Least of all my sister''s.

What do you guys think??
 
I would def. talk to your sister and parents and just let them know you aren''t going to wait a year to get engaged just to make everyone ELSE happy. This is about you and your future FI... no one else. I think it would be rediculous to wait just incase you take away her "thunder" but at the same time I think if you speak to them first and let them know instead of sneaking around - they might surprise you and be OK with it, esp if you are planning a wedding a year after your sister''s.
 
don''t you think he has to ASK you first!!!!!!
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i think your family needs to get over themselves and be happy for you. there is no reason that a "ring"...a symbol of love...should be forbidden. its silly....jmho
 
It''s a little iffy to me that after a 5 year wait your ring will magically be ready THE MONTH BEFORE your sister''s wedding? C''mon. Really?

I would encourage your fiance to wait until after the November wedding to propose unless he has VERY SPECIFIC plans beforehand. And if he did (anniversary, trip etc) -- I probably would NOT wear the ring to the wedding or announce the engagement until after the wedding.

YOU don''t think of it as "stealing thunder" but everyone else does. Including me. Tough it out ONE MORE MONTH. It seems hardly worth the drama in the big scheme of your life. Seriously.
 
Date: 8/23/2008 8:59:24 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
I would def. talk to your sister and parents and just let them know you aren''t going to wait a year to get engaged just to make everyone ELSE happy. This is about you and your future FI... no one else. I think it would be rediculous to wait just incase you take away her ''thunder'' but at the same time I think if you speak to them first and let them know instead of sneaking around - they might surprise you and be OK with it, esp if you are planning a wedding a year after your sister''s.
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That''s what I keep stressing about. I DID ask them after they saw me how they would feel about it if I had a ring by November, and everyone went BALLISTIC!! I know if I wear the ring they will be seriously PISSED....I''m just trying to reconcile if it is justified, or which one of us is more nuts.

CBS- he asked. That''s why we started the custom process. I guess I''m just not calling him my FI until the ring is ACTUALLY on my hand...make sense? And I suppose since we can''t tell anyone yet....it doesn''t feel real yet.

Sorry if I was confusing...
 
Date: 8/23/2008 9:02:45 PM
Author: decodelighted
It''s a little iffy to me that after a 5 year wait your ring will magically be ready THE MONTH BEFORE your sister''s wedding? C''mon. Really?

I would encourage your fiance to wait until after the November wedding to propose unless he has VERY SPECIFIC plans beforehand. And if he did (anniversary, trip etc) -- I probably would NOT wear the ring to the wedding or announce the engagement until after the wedding.

YOU don''t think of it as ''stealing thunder'' but everyone else does. Including me. Tough it out ONE MORE MONTH. It seems hardly worth the drama in the big scheme of your life. Seriously.
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Deco....you make a good point. (Which is was already struggling with). Thank you for being honest!
 
2nd deco.
 
I agree with deco also...one more month won''t kill you, and you can always wear it around at home. The waiting one year rule that your family tried to set for you is ridiculous, though!
 
I have to disagree-I don''t think you are stealing your sister''s thunder and I think your family is being ridiculous with going ballistic and asking you to wait...they should be happy for you no matter when you get engaged. From your posts, it sounds like you are NOT going around waving your hand in front of everyone''s face, jumping up and down being a spoiled brat, or planning on announcing it during the reception via microphone.

Have you talked to your sister one on one? How does SHE feel about it when the rest of your family isn''t around? Or is she the one who started the madness? I would say talk with your family and let them know that you are upset by their behavior. BUT, to keep the peace I guess I would suggest that you don''t wear it until after the wedding. Sorry you are dealing with this, I would be devastated if my family did that to me.
 
'Stealing your sister's thunder' seems like a silly conclusion for anyone to jump to.
You are getting MARRIED for cryin out loud, not buying a dress in the same style as her favourite!!
Does your ring look anything alike? Is yours going to be screamingly bigger? That might rub salt in a wound!

I guess, if anything, it is a reflection on your reticence to share with your sister / family that has got you into trouble. Why so secretive about your journey? Why did you stay silent while your sister shared her excitement with you? Sharing emotions and secrets are part of the bonding process, failing to disclose your own similar experiences while your sister was relating hers seems probably more than a little distant on your behalf.

Your family is probably surprised and a little annoyed that you did not involve them in these exciting times in your life. Realistically, you could expect them to be a little surprised. Because your sister has been transparent in the process, your family has processed her engagement as 'genuine', a natural development in her story. Because you have kept your love a great big blank spot, it reads like a sudden, bizarre twist in your tale.

You'll just have to ride out the storm. If you really are engaged, you really have every right to wear your ring. I guess if it was too much, you could leave it off for the actual day. Perhaps, in the future, you will share your ongoing happy information with your parents and other family members... after all, engagement is really about joining one family with another.

all the best.
 
I think it is wrong for them to tell you, an adult, when you may get engaged. I would exercise discretion at her wedding in terms of talking about it, but really, I think you should be able to wear your ring. I had a cousin come to my wedding and talk about her engagement and show off her ring during my wedding and party, which was a bit tactless. However, I think if you wear it and it comes up, you can be very pleasant and just say, Yes, we are so excited but today is about Susie.

I would not like being told when I can get engaged and I would not like people jumping to conclusions about my motives or what was going on. I think you might need to be clear with your immediate family about this. Again, as long as you are not obnoxious about it, I see no reason why you should not be wearing your ring, let alone having to wait til after her wedding to get engaged.
 
Honestly, if your whole family hadn't freaked out, I would have said wear the ring and politely deflect questions. But they freaked out. Badly. Do you really want to spend your sister's wedding with people glaring at you and talking about you and how rude and horrible you are? This doesn't mean you can't wear your ring at all for a month. It just means you can't wear it in front of family. That doesn't mean you're any less engaged. It just means you're wearing less bling to blind people with.

In all honesty, knowing what you know, I think you'd be asking for it if you wore your ring to the wedding.

ETA: I'm not saying their demands aren't ridiculous. They really, really are. But you're inviting trouble if you do something you know will cause an extreme reaction, no matter how irrational that reaction may be.
 
Their demands are ridiculous and out of the question. However, knowing that they wouldn''t want to see your ring until after the wedding, and they''ll be talking smack about you instead of congratulating you, I wouldn''t want to wear it if I were in your shoes. I also wouldn''t want my sister in my wedding party if she was that selfish.
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PS - Make sure to let your sister know that she is not allowed to get pregnant the entire year before your wedding since your family apparently cannot handle more than one joyous occassion at a time.
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Date: 8/24/2008 2:51:06 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure

PS - Make sure to let your sister know that she is not allowed to get pregnant the entire year before your wedding since your family apparently cannot handle more than one joyous occassion at a time.
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Haha that''s funny
 
The only way you could "steal her thunder" is if he were to propose at her wedding and you pranced around the rest of the night shoving your hand in people''s faces.. But he already proposed, so I guess that''s not an issue! I think there must be some sort of other family dynamics going on that you haven''t mentioned if your family things you would be stealing her thunder..

The problem with this whole situation is they don''t know you''re engaged, so they will make a bigger deal out of it than they would have made if they knew you were engaged and were just waiting for the ring..
 
NONSENSE!!! People do talk rubbish sometimes, there is no way you are stealing her thunder, give me a break............not our lovely PSers, your family and friends.

There is enough happiness to go round both the wedding plans and your engagement. So you're expected to give up what is important to you because that would be selfish but they're being selfish asking that of you too - if that doesn't sound skewed.

Its a really joyous occasion and all your family and friends should be pleased for you and excited at the prospect of another wedding. But, if its only a matter of weeks until your sisters wedding then wait til its over so you don't have too much grief. If its another year to the wedding then go for it.

Wear it loud and proud!
 
As someone that waited a had to bend to a sister''s will on MY WEDDING DATE, I understand that families can be a little demanding. But I don''t see why you HAVE to wear the ring at her wedding. It seems to me that it is the *bride''s day* and you can tell all of your relatives/friends/ on another day. Putting the ring on is begging for people to comment. If you *politely deflect* they will just pursue it more, and people will be preoccupied with *is she engaged* rather then celebrating the couple. You have lived your whole life without an engagement ring, so one more day shouldn''t be too hard.

A girl waits her whole life for her wedding. Let her have her day, you''ll have one later.
 
Brides get a Day, they don''t get a month, much less a whole darn year to call their own. Your relatives are off the deep end IMO.

That said, you can''t change their weirdness. I''d wait until after the wedding. It''s not that you are doing anything wrong, but that they will not show any decorum and will talk about you during the wedding. As a result your sister''s wedding would become about you, and that''s not your intent.

Reminder to Brides, it''s called your wedding DAY
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When my daughter got engaged to her bf of 6 yrs, the whole family was excited for her. My niece got engaged to her bf of 3 months a month before my daughter got married.. Needless to say, most of the family wasn''t too excited for her.....we didn''t feel she knew him long enough, but it''s her life, so we were happy she was happy. She planned her wedding for 3 months after my daughter''s wedding (her now hubby was being deployed). I was worried the niece would try to "steal my daughter''s thunder" at the wedding (that''s the way she is) and told her I didn''t want her to talk about HER wedding while at my daughter''s wedding. Niece wore her ring and made sure all of our OOT relatives saw it. A few older relatives told me they thought it was inappropriate of niece and said they felt sorry for niece for always having to have all the attention. I don''t think my daughter noticed, she never said anything to me about it, but I was fuming. When I pulled her aside and asked her why she couldn''t let my daughter have her day, she said "Well, relatives won''t get to see my ring if I don''t show them".
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Niece just showed what an attention grabbing b she can be to the rest of the family.
 
Obviously I'm in the minority here but screw that!

If he proposes to you before the wedding, then you wear your ring whenever you want to wear it. If your sister has a hissy fit then so be it. I don't care if every bride gets their day. She doesn't own the day. It would be a totally different story if he proposes on her wedding day or if you guys announce to the fam on her wedding day but if he proposes in October then why take the ring off for the wedding?? That doesn't make any sense to me.

Do you have a good relationship with your mom? Or the better question is does your mom like your FF? It sounds like she isn't even excited about the idea.

ETA: In re: to the post above, I agree that you should not talk about your wedding or show off your ring at her wedding. But I would still wear it.
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Personally, if one of my sisters or my cousin (will be MOH) got engaged before my wedding, I''d want them to show that ring off to every single family member at my wedding. Introduce the fiance, gush about getting married, whatever. The people are there to celebrate my wedding, but that doesn''t mean that every single conversation has to be about me, me, me. As long as they watch during the first dance, listen to the toasts, and congratulate us on our new marriage when we make the rounds, I''m happy for the guests to have something else to talk about. There''s plenty of love going around in our family, and I think another engagement or baby on the way or a child starting kindergarden or whatever just adds to the warm mushiness of the day.

I have good relationships with these people, though, and their hapiness is my hapiness. I trust their intentions. If it was someone who had been rude to me or who was always trying to compete with me, I''d probably question their motives for getting engaged right before my wedding.


That being said, one of my best friends got engaged hours before my college graduation party, and it really peeved me. All our friends were upstairs in her room talking about the engagement instead of downstairs attending the party that they had come for. She was in her room to avoid taking attention at my party, but all that did was remove a chunk of important people from the party! I had to go upstairs and remind everyone that the party was downstairs. My dad had spent a lot of money on cake and food and a keg! That wasn''t my friend''s fault though... her dumb boyfriend is the one who chose to propose in a truck on a Friday night right before my party so that all our friends could see the ring
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I will add that I wouldn''t want my sisters to begin planning their weddings a month before my wedding because I don''t think my mother could handle the stress! And my father would probably start asking guests if they knew of any species of money trees, which might slightly detract from the loveliness of my wedding day
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style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 194px">Date: 8/24/2008 11:43:10 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
Personally, if one of my sisters or my cousin (will be MOH) got engaged before my wedding, I'd want them to show that ring off to every single family member at my wedding. Introduce the fiance, gush about getting married, whatever. The people are there to celebrate my wedding, but that doesn't mean that every single conversation has to be about me, me, me. As long as they watch during the first dance, listen to the toasts, and congratulate us on our new marriage when we make the rounds, I'm happy for the guests to have something else to talk about. There's plenty of love going around in our family, and I think another engagement or baby on the way or a child starting kindergarden or whatever just adds to the warm mushiness of the day.

I have good relationships with these people, though, and their hapiness is my hapiness. I trust their intentions. If it was someone who had been rude to me or who was always trying to compete with me, I'd probably question their motives for getting engaged right before my wedding.


That being said, one of my best friends got engaged hours before my college graduation party, and it really peeved me. All our friends were upstairs in her room talking about the engagement instead of downstairs attending the party that they had come for. She was in her room to avoid taking attention at my party, but all that did was remove a chunk of important people from the party! I had to go upstairs and remind everyone that the party was downstairs. My dad had spent a lot of money on cake and food and a keg! That wasn't my friend's fault though... her dumb boyfriend is the one who chose to propose in a truck on a Friday night right before my party so that all our friends could see the ring
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Well said guilty! I feel the same way!! My friend's or family's happiness is mine as well! In fact, 2 of my bestest friends just got engaged in the last month and 2 other family members have their birthday next week. My FI and I have been planning this engagement party in my home town next weekend for months and I fully intend on celebrating all the engagements and birthdays AND our engagement at the same time! What better way to celebrate!
 
If it were me I''d wear the ring if it were done in time AND I''d had it for at least a couple of weeks, long enough to tell people I was engaged. If you get it a couple of days before the wedding then I''d hold off as that''s too close to really make that kind of annoucement.

I often wish I''d spoken up more during our engagement. The person who makes the big deal of things, has regular updates and annoucements gets the excitement. The person who quietly sits by seems to get less excitement when they annouce their plans. Hopefully your family can learn to be happy for you even if you have a different personality and ideas about letting others in on your plans.
 
Do I think it''s ridiculous for your family to demand that you don''t get engaged because your sister is getting married? Absolutely! But since they did (however ridiculously) expressed very clearly how they feel about it, I personally wouldn''t rub it in their faces if you want to keep peace with them. I think you should get engaged and wear the ring whenever you two are ready, but just to avoid drama I would not wear the ring to your sister''s wedding.

Personally I''m a very private person and would have absolutely no problem enjoying my engagement just for ourselves for awhile, so I guess it''s easy for me to say
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IF he proposes before the wedding, wear your ring. No one says you ought to go around parading your engagement ring, but if they ask, tell them, "Yes, we recently got engaged and are thrilled," and let that be the end of it.

I get where you''re coming from as I too was worried that my BF was going to propose prior to my bro''s wedding in a month--that I would be stealing thunder (probably won''t happen so its irrelevant now). The more advice I got, and the more I thought about it, family should be happy for you...never skeptical that you''d be trying to STEAL attention--luckily my family wouldn''t think that way.

If it makes you more comfortable, wait to wear you ring, however, this is your happiness too. How irritating that that busybody actually felt okay about going to your mother and "telling on you." And then for them to imply that you would ever try to steal your sister''s thunder.

As purrfectpear said, brides get a DAY...not a month and surely not a YEAR!

A N N O Y I N G...
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WOW. A HUGE THANK YOU LADIES for all your honest opinions. I can''t say enough about you all. This decision has been REALLY hard for both of us, and y''all have brought up some excellent points and given me more to think about. I guess the reason that I stayed quiet while my sister was open about her engagement journey is two-fold, 1) b/c I''m more of a quiet person and I feel like that is between me and my FF. 2) although I have an okay relationship with my family (it has been strained at times...obviously) they have never been HUGE fans of my FF. So, I knew it would just make them more upset. When we first started looking around for rings I tried to involve my family, but all I got was a negative reaction. Therefore, I just figured less drama if I was quiet. Silly me, I tried again to talk to both my mom and my sister when we decided to buy a custom ring, and AGAIN they freaked out. So again I stopped talking about it and just let it go by.

I think that since my ring will be ready in October (a MONTH before my sister''s wedding- we''ve only been engaged I guess for week now but no one but PSers know) that we will tell my parents then and let them have their reaction. I don''t feel like I''m TRULY engaged until the ring is actually on my hand and neither does he (we both agreed not to say anything for now and keep it our happy secret). THAT said, I really do want to wear my ring so I most likley will do so from the time it''s done on. However, I know my family and my sister and I doubt they could be happy if I wore it to the wedding. Since it''s a plane ride away in another state maybe I will just wear it up to that day and leave it in a box here in FL when I travel. That way I know I won''t upset anyone. Some of you asked if my ring will look like my sisters''s and no it won''t. (She has a princess 3 stone tacori) I will have an ec custom done. BUT mine will be bigger, and I know she will notice. I suppose in the spriit of being a good sister, it won''t kill me to leave it at home. (Although I will MISS IT terribly). She wants her big wedding...and this will let her enjoy it peacefully.

Do you guys agree with that solution? Am I missing something? I really don''t want to sound like a spoiled brat....so I''m trying hard to think about this before I go any further. Suggestions thoughts? THANK YOU AGAIN FOR ALL YOU''VE HELPED ME WITH SO FAR!! YOU LADIES ROCK!!
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Date: 8/24/2008 4:12:21 AM
Author: LaraOnline

Date: 8/24/2008 2:51:06 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure

PS - Make sure to let your sister know that she is not allowed to get pregnant the entire year before your wedding since your family apparently cannot handle more than one joyous occassion at a time.
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Haha that''s funny
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YES! I think if they got to make crazy rules, then I should too! Awesome suggestion!!
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Arrghh...okay ladies this time I''m just venting. I just got off the phone with my mom and she ended our convo with "remember what we said...no ring/engagement until after *****''s wedding". I DIDN''T EVEN BRING ANYTHING UP!! I was so shocked I said nothing...


Now she doesn''t even want me to be ENGAGED....regardless of the ring. (well I guess that was what she meant before....it just didn''t truly hit me). So now I''m hurt. If you see my prev post, I was planning on telling her (my parents) in Oct. when I get the ring, coming clean about how long we''ve REALLY been engaged, and then just not wearing the ring to be nice to my sis. GRR!! Now what?? I honestly feel like crying....my FI is PISSED..but I''m more hurt.
 
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