Smartphones And Your Marriage

[MissStepcut]

IMO the problem isn't technology, it's the mismatch in expectations.

DH and I both spend a lot of time staring at a screen. It's okay with both of us and we're both okay with the amount of attention and interaction we're getting. I don't think there's anything wrong with it since we're on the same page.

My 11 and 12 yr old younger siblings also get a lot of screentime. Most of it is socializing. Is it different than socializing in years past? I guess it is. Do older people think they have poor social skills because their social skills are tailored to new media? I guess they must, but I don't think that's very fair. The world changes.

 

[missy]

IMO the problem isn't technology, it's the mismatch in expectations.

DH and I both spend a lot of time staring at a screen. It's okay with both of us and we're both okay with the amount of attention and interaction we're getting. I don't think there's anything wrong with it since we're on the same page.

My 11 and 12 yr old younger siblings also get a lot of screentime. Most of it is socializing. Is it different than socializing in years past? I guess it is. Do older people think they have poor social skills because their social skills are tailored to new media? I guess they must, but I don't think that's very fair. The world changes.

Yes, but it's preferable if the change is for the better and in this case (IMO) it's not. Interpersonal skills, speaking face to face, valuing conversation to screen time are important qualities that I see are lacking in the younger generation. It's sad. IMO. The internet and smart phones etc is the new (not so new anymore but you understand what I mean) "idiot box". People/kids using it to the exclusion of so many other activities/hobbies/etc. in their life.

Sure there are many great changes with the internet/technology and I wouldn't want to go back to not having it. However, when used to the extreme (which I see happening) it is a negative influence. People staring at their smart phones walking down the street, crossing traffic. Not aware of their surroundings. Not living in the moment. People in the same room with family but not really talking to them. I could go on.
Valuing these things over people. That's how I see it going down anyway when it is not used in a more conservative and discriminating manner.

 

[MissStepcut]

I think people are still living in the moment. It's just a different "digital" moment.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I live in Japan and have a circle of friends with a few married couples and two single guys. We have a friend who is always on his phone when he hangs out with us. I realize that it's not the greatest thing being a single guy in a foreign country hanging out with married people, but I find it so irritating. It's midnight, and we're at a freaking karaoke bar in JAPAN, and you find facebook more interesting? uugh. Then last night, I was having a girls' night (all married ladies) and two of the girls are on their phone texting... this guy! His smartphone obsession is irritating me even when he's not around!

 

[monarch64]

IMO the problem isn't technology, it's the mismatch in expectations.

DH and I both spend a lot of time staring at a screen. It's okay with both of us and we're both okay with the amount of attention and interaction we're getting. I don't think there's anything wrong with it since we're on the same page.

My 11 and 12 yr old younger siblings also get a lot of screentime. Most of it is socializing. Is it different than socializing in years past? I guess it is. Do older people think they have poor social skills because their social skills are tailored to new media? I guess they must, but I don't think that's very fair. The world changes.

Yes, but it's preferable if the change is for the better and in this case (IMO) it's not. Interpersonal skills, speaking face to face, valuing conversation to screen time are important qualities that I see are lacking in the younger generation. It's sad. IMO. The internet and smart phones etc is the new (not so new anymore but you understand what I mean) "idiot box". People/kids using it to the exclusion of so many other activities/hobbies/etc. in their life.

Sure there are many great changes with the internet/technology and I wouldn't want to go back to not having it. However, when used to the extreme (which I see happening) it is a negative influence. People staring at their smart phones walking down the street, crossing traffic. Not aware of their surroundings. Not living in the moment. People in the same room with family but not really talking to them. I could go on.
Valuing these things over people. That's how I see it going down anyway when it is not used in a more conservative and discriminating manner.

I agree with you, Missy, that with the recent trend in technology people are definitely less focused on others and more on their gadgets. But I sincerely think it all goes back to manners, and what people are taught is socially acceptable. When I visit my parents, there is NO WAY they would accept me or my husband looking at our phones during dinner. We would never even think that that was ok. But they've set a precedent in their home, and it's the same if we go out to dinner. I remember my old Nokia cell phone ringing once when I was out to dinner (as a single young woman) maybe 12 years ago with my family. I'd forgotten to turn it to silent, and my father gave me the most awful, disapproving look. I have never forgotten that moment, and I felt so terrible that I interrupted everyone's meal because I hadn't had the foresight to turn the damn thing off. (This is the same guy who I was just talking about in another thread who used to get griped at by my mother because he wouldn't put down his newspaper during dinners at home that my mom had prepared. Eh. I'll still respect my parents, and I'll still respect every other dinner guest no matter where I am, home or out.)

 

[missy]

Totally agree with you monnie! The thing is that I fear it has become more socially acceptable due to the sheer volume of people doing it. Not to mention the permissive parents. After all they set the tone for the next generation.

FWIW we were raised to be more polite and considerate and that wouldn't fly in my parents household either.

 

[gem_anemone]

Your DH's behavior with his social media definitely comes off to me as a red flag! As a newlywed another big red flag I see in your original post is that your hubby gets up at 7:30 am but you didn't get to bed until 4am. Was it work/baby related that you went to bed so late? Does that happen often? DH and I work 8-5 M-F. There are times when one or the other of us does not have to get up in the morning. We have a rule that even if you don't have to get up in the morning that you still go to bed at the same time as the early riser. This can be broken for special circumstances or occasionally, but we like sleeping on the same schedule and I think it helps with our closeness.

It does happen often but that is because I am a writer. I cannot write until it is dark and I have no distractions. I usually start working at 11pm and if I'm in "the zone", I won't stop. So I often will work late into the morning but I have been this way always (since we met). A rule of sleeping at the same time will not work for me work-wise. I do my best work as a night-owl. Now if a therapist says to change it, I will do so, even if it means changing a work style that has worked for me for a long time. DH has never asked me to go sleep when he does so if it's an issue that is bothering him, I don't know.

It sounds like typical behavior for you two, so feel free to ignore what I said I just know that wouldn't work for my DH and me, which I why I even brought it up I hope your DH can work with you on giving you what you need. Good luck!

 

[ame]

When DH is working normal hours (which is rare with his job) I would like him to come to bed somewhere near the time I go to bed. I don't fall asleep well if he's in the bed with me, because he snores and I take forever to fall asleep as it is. So him coming an hour or two later, perfect. But he will often come like 6 or more hours later. And almost always has, because he stays up gaming and watching TV. Makes me insane, because he then sleeps til the middle of the day on weekends or is a zombie during the week, but he refuses to work on that.

My biggest issue with his technology is the gaming. He prioritizes his games over all else besides work. He will not go to family events, he does no housework at all because the game is more important and he'll avoid going to dinner, or out with any friends because he'd rather stay home and play his stupid games. I have repeatedly told him that I will not nor will I ever prioritize a game over ANYTHING ELSE. Housework needs to come first--the two things I ever ask of him--and family events need to come first. I don't care that he plays them, as long as he knows that other things are to come before them, ALWAYS. Non-negotiable. And since he doesn't care at all and doesn't want to do family events or housework, he ignores that request.

He hates phones, period, ironic considering his job. I play with mine frequently. But a lot of that is because we're separate in the house. Ill check a text or two when we're at dinner and it's silent of conversation. We don't watch a lot of the same stuff, we have some shows that are similar, but I have zero interest in many of the movies he watches and any of the ones I might be interested in, he watches late at night. Most weeknights I don't want to invest 2 hours into a movie, after making dinner. I give about an hour to tv with him and we usually eat together. I want to check my boards, shower and get ready for bed and do my routine. He doesn't get that I go to bed early bec I have to get up early. Im not going to stay up late. Watching a two hour movie screws my nightly routine up. Ill do it on a Friday or Saturday but he doesn't want to do it then. He wants to do it when it's the most obnoxious time for me. I will start a movie and watch the first half on a weeknight but he refuses to do that. I also don't care if it's spoiled for me. And I don't watch horror movies or anything particularly suspenseful. I like funny movies and really that's about it.

I hope that whatever tack you take with this that it works out and I hope that you can get it worked out soon. I feel your pain.

 

[JaneSmith]

Rubyshoes, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It is horrible to feel such disconnect from someone you love. Hugs!
Write your hubby a letter. Spill your guts. Tell him exactly how you are feeling and how much you miss him. Tell him how much the distance because of the devices bothers you. Ask him if you've done anything that has upset him. I'm not opening up this last one as a way of blaming you, his behavior is entirely his own, it may just be an extra nudge to get him to speak up about what the hell is going in in his head.
If it wasn't for the fact that you mentioned his crappy morning appointment timing plus the fact that he knows you always work into the wee hours, I'd think it was a case of device 'addiction'. But that action (the appointment) requires a different kind of thoughtlessness.
I'm sure your friend you talked with has a much better knowledge of you and your life, so if she thinks there is something more going on, and you think she may be right, you really need to lay it all out there for him.
If it really is just device overusage, he'll realise how badly it is effecting your relationship. If it is something more, then you have taken the first step towards addressing and hopefully fixing it.
Best of luck.

 

[JaneSmith]

Also, don't change when you write. It is your most creative time and, I assume, a big part of who you are is writing. Too much compromise leads to resentment.




Ame, that is a lot of gaming. Was he like this when you met? Smiley flowers for you too.

 

[CharmyPoo]

My husband isn't better with his work blackberry, personal android and iPad. He is always on the iPad playing games and so quick with whatsapping his friends. He also had some major computer gaming issue. We had many talks and while he is still on these devices a lot - he puts it down when I want to talk to him. (I am also guilty as I am on my phone or computer all the time).

Can't beat it? Join him ... start txting him while beside him and maybe he will get the point?

 

[TooPatient]

I'm not sure if it would work for you, but have you ever tried setting up your own writing world to escape to? I used to watch a little boy. His mom was home the entire time I was there, but she was writing. She is a writer for a career. (regular article in big paper, co-publisher & author of a magazine, and I think work on books too). She had set up her own world and had her routine she followed. When she went in that area and shut the door, it was her time to write and no one was allowed to disturb her. It wasn't just some cramped room -- she'd set up a wonderful area with everything she needed and wanted to have with her when writing.

Anyway.... Just tossing that idea out there in case your husband mentions it as a problem.

 

[rubyshoes]

I'm not sure if it would work for you, but have you ever tried setting up your own writing world to escape to? I used to watch a little boy. His mom was home the entire time I was there, but she was writing. She is a writer for a career. (regular article in big paper, co-publisher & author of a magazine, and I think work on books too). She had set up her own world and had her routine she followed. When she went in that area and shut the door, it was her time to write and no one was allowed to disturb her. It wasn't just some cramped room -- she'd set up a wonderful area with everything she needed and wanted to have with her when writing.

Anyway.... Just tossing that idea out there in case your husband mentions it as a problem.

Yes, I have that. It's my guest room, has a big bed, huge window seat and my favorite art. I store all my stuff in the window seat compartment. I switch off my cell when I go there, it's awesome! The writing-at-night is just a preference thing though. Nobody would disturb me at 2pm either but it's easier for me to work at 2am.

 

[rubyshoes]

Everyone, DH and I had a big heart to heart yesterday and he really heard me out. We spoke for like 4 hrs. My throat was parched when we were done! He told me he has been very over-extended at work since past few months and is juggling three huge projects, and he expects the craziness to continue till mid May. He is also short-staffed (he has 5 open positions under him that they are still trying to fill) so they are stretched thin. He said this has made him irritable and when he gets home he is like a zombie, brain-dead because of how packed his days are. He also believes he is being groomed for a promotion so if he gets this stuff right by summer, he believes he will be rewarded for it.

This is why the idea of going for walks with me and doggy, chatting with me, watching movies is an exhausting prospect and he'd rather just "tune out" using gadgets. He said he found it easier to just comment on random FB status messages than have conversations with me because of the energy required for the latter. He also said (regarding the carpenter incident) that with his packed calendar, calling me up to ask if the carpenter could come at X time, then have me say Yes or No, then call the carpenter again would just create chaos for him. So I said well, maybe next time you can delegate to me? Like let me call the carpenter and schedule it instead of you doing it. That way it frees up your schedule and I can make the decisions.

He was very contrite and apologized. We also addressed the tendency to bottle stuff up, and he agreed that if he doesn't tell me how ridiculous his work life is right now, how am I supposed to guess? I honestly had no idea things were this crazy. Anyway, I also apologized for adding to his stress and being on his case reg. the gadgets. He is going to try to delegate a bit more to lessen his load and new hires will hopefully join soon.

He contacted a marriage counselor today and we have an appointment next week. He is going to ask for ways to deal with work stress, issues regarding "opening up" and generally getting some concrete ideas on what we can do together, as it is probable that his work stress may balloon up even more if a promotion happens.

We are going hiking to a state park this weekend. He suggested tonight that we might start playing Scrabble together on weeknights to unwind. Also, err... we got a little frisky.

TYVM for all the support. I am so happy.

 

[CharmyPoo]

I can completely relate to your husband and work stresses. I also don't want to do anything else when I get home but FB, PS ... are good breaks without requiring brain work. I am happy to hear you two talked it out and hope things get better. Actually calling a counselor today shows great commitment.

 

[missy]

Everyone, DH and I had a big heart to heart yesterday and he really heard me out. We spoke for like 4 hrs. My throat was parched when we were done! He told me he has been very over-extended at work since past few months and is juggling three huge projects, and he expects the craziness to continue till mid May. He is also short-staffed (he has 5 open positions under him that they are still trying to fill) so they are stretched thin. He said this has made him irritable and when he gets home he is like a zombie, brain-dead because of how packed his days are. He also believes he is being groomed for a promotion so if he gets this stuff right by summer, he believes he will be rewarded for it.

This is why the idea of going for walks with me and doggy, chatting with me, watching movies is an exhausting prospect and he'd rather just "tune out" using gadgets. He said he found it easier to just comment on random FB status messages than have conversations with me because of the energy required for the latter. He also said (regarding the carpenter incident) that with his packed calendar, calling me up to ask if the carpenter could come at X time, then have me say Yes or No, then call the carpenter again would just create chaos for him. So I said well, maybe next time you can delegate to me? Like let me call the carpenter and schedule it instead of you doing it. That way it frees up your schedule and I can make the decisions.

He was very contrite and apologized. We also addressed the tendency to bottle stuff up, and he agreed that if he doesn't tell me how ridiculous his work life is right now, how am I supposed to guess? I honestly had no idea things were this crazy. Anyway, I also apologized for adding to his stress and being on his case reg. the gadgets. He is going to try to delegate a bit more to lessen his load and new hires will hopefully join soon.

He contacted a marriage counselor today and we have an appointment next week. He is going to ask for ways to deal with work stress, issues regarding "opening up" and generally getting some concrete ideas on what we can do together, as it is probable that his work stress may balloon up even more if a promotion happens.

We are going hiking to a state park this weekend. He suggested tonight that we might start playing Scrabble together on weeknights to unwind. Also, err... we got a little frisky.

TYVM for all the support. I am so happy.

I am so happy for you guys ruby!!! Communication really works and I know it will bring the 2 of you that much closer. We all need that special someone who is always there for us, to lean on and to be our soft pillow to fall on and once your dh realizes that life will be that much sweeter (and less stressful). Enjoy the hike this weekend!

 

[JaneSmith]

YAY!

 

[gem_anemone]

Hooray! This is great news!

 

[ame]

Aww yay!!!

Ame, that is a lot of gaming. Was he like this when you met? Smiley flowers for you too.

Yes and no. He played them but not like this. He isn't happy with his job situation, it's just absolutely suffocating with hours, he's constantly on call, and many of his days turn into 18 hour or longer. He's had 36 hour shifts several times recently, which is ridiculous and then as soon as he goes to sleep, he gets about 4 hours of sleep and someone calls him needing him back at work for something that they could figure out but refuse to spend the time to figure out. The company is trying to do the job of 50 people with 6. They refuse to hire more, because they are billing for 50 people on this team, and paying only the 6 actually on the team, and obviously that makes a tremendous profit, but at what expense! So it's partly an escape, and partly I think an addiction. He will schedule "clan matches" for when he knows we will be required to be somewhere, like say, Christmas Day at 2pm. Are you for real? And then he's mad at me because he has to bail on the clan match and let the team down. First of all, in what universe would I let you miss Christmas Day where I will get interrogated all day as to where you are, when all you're doing is playing games? If you actually had to work, that was different. I am not letting you out of a known commitment for a stupid f'ing game. I don't know how much more clear about that I can be. Gah.

Whatever. Sorry for the hijack!

So glad you guys worked it out..and uh...

 

[backwardsandinheels]

So great that is working out! Counseling will be good for setting ground rules everybody can appreciate and tweak as time, technology and circumstances change. Yoga is good for being present, as is guided meditation. I like Doreen Virtue's best And of course, petting your dog helps with that and lowers blood pressure.

 

[backwardsandinheels]

Ame,
Start a new one about ""spouse addicited to gaming...

 

[ame]

Ame,
Start a new one about ""spouse addicited to gaming...

lol...gamer widow.

 

[JaneSmith]

Ame,
Start a new one about ""spouse addicited to gaming...

Yes, please do. Plus 'spouse being crushed by extra work'. Bloody hell, that's a lot of stress for you two.

 

[pregcurious]

It's rude when you're having a conversation with someone to be reading anything, whether it be a book, an iPhone, or a computer. If your DH doesn't get it, that is a serious problem.

 

[GeliL]

As a person of the younger generation (I guess us millenials are considered old by new generation standards hahal) I definitely see the problem with such convenient technology. But it's a double edged sword because you have so much at your disposal in your phone. You can get so much done in such short time and the efficiency is just unbeatable.

I have family overseas and very far away and with smartphone you can reach them at the touch of a button and that's something we were not able to do before. In a way technology made our relationship stronger and closer. In general I think that we as a whole just haven't found moderation in terms of technological consumption yet, and once things have gone full digital, and people will soon value real life interactions again, but of course not without having some consequences first. Many teens are already experiencing mental health issues due to social media consumption overload, and talks of having a healthy relationship with technology is already on the rise (it's becoming common practice to quit social media for a period of time to combat anxiety, for example), so I think we are still on the navigating stage, but I believe we will eventually get there.

Now I am a very techy person myself and am usually on my phone. However when I am with anyone else or when talking to anyone else I don't use my phone so that I can pay attention to the person I am talking to. It's just rude to do that to anyone. When I was travelling with my cousin he was constantly on his phone and it drove me nuts because he wasn't even looking around him, so I definitely understand this frustration. It's just more prone to the younger ones due to how impressionable they are and the fact that this is all they've known. It's a hard problem to solve when the other person is not receptive of it, but this behavior must have its reasons and perhaps finding the root cause would help? Why is he always on his phone answering emails and LinkedIn messages? Is he a workaholic? What else is he doing on his phone? If it has something to do with his hobbies maybe talk to him about it or share interesting things you see about it? Is he talking to his friends instead of you?

 

[autumngems]

DH and I have been married 13 years and for the most part we have been very happy. Recently though, I am getting more and more pissed off with his smartphone obsession. He has a work Blackberry, a personal Android phone and a Kindle Fire.

Before we had these, he would listen to what I said. NOW, his eyes keep flipping to his phones/Kindle, he answers work emails constantly, he responds to non-critical LinkedIn or FB messages and he does all this while I am talking to him! It is so rude! Would he interrupt his boss because I had sent him an email? He'll ask me a question, and while I am answering him, he starts scrolling and then he responds with "Uh huh... uh huh..."

I have a smartphone too, but I give DH priority. I will let a call go to voicemail, and then listen when I have a chance to do so, rather than jump to it.

I feel like the smartphone thing is so easily abused by some people. My DH certainly does. I've talked to him endlessly about this because it drives me CRAZY! He says all the right things but it's completely temporary.

I slept at 4 last night, and at 7:30 when he was leaving for work, he came and said "The carpenter's coming at 9am to fix the dining room issue." I'm like, WHAT???

Yeah.

1) He *says* he messaged me about it last week (he didn't, I didn't get any such text.)
2) He could've reminded me last night but didn't.
3) The 'scheduling' of the carpenter was done without even asking me or knowing if it would work for me.
4) You have 2 phones & a Kindle Fire but you can't communicate with me? Really? You can't text me, whatsapp me or call me?

That time last evening when we were having dinner together when he could have brought this up but didn't?

Yup, he was juggling his freaking phones! Pathetic.

Give me one good reason I shouldn't throw all these cellphones in icy Lake Michigan? Maybe I'll place them all in the middle of my driveway and drive my Subaru over them. What a satisfying crunch that will be.

What about you guys? Do you have it better?

Unfortunately this is the life we live in now, people cannot "live" without being in constant contact with their phones, so irritating.

 

[kenny]

Unfortunately this is the life we live in now, people cannot "live" without being in constant contact with their phones, so irritating.

+1000

 

[GeliL]

Just realized I commented on a thread from 2013

 

[Ionysis]

Probably still relevant to a lot of people though GeliL

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Just realized I commented on a thread from 2013

we have all done it

my new cell phone is still in its box
it is so hard (for me) to set up
im dying without it
its the internet i cant do without