So I''ve stopped wearing my diamonds....

[firebirdgold]

Your marriage and marital harmony is more important than a diamond. Although I can see that a large part of the problem is that he penny pinched on something so important and meaningful. I have the feeling that he told you because he was proud of it and thought you''d appreciate him for being so frugal and savvy. (it is a really good price for that!) It probably never honestly occurred to him that it might hurt your feelings. When communicating with men it helps to remember they really are an alien species. There''s always going to be areas that are just simply mutually incomprehensible.

There are just some things you have to smile and make nice about for the sake of the relationship. I''m learning this myself at the moment.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 10/10/2006 1:34:54 PM
Author: ursulawrite

Date: 10/10/2006 12:47:14 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
You said in an earlier post that your husband spent $5000 on your e-ring? Or at least you said that he told you that was all he was comfortable spending. Is it possible that he didn''t want you to know the exact amount? I can''t imagine a GIA certified 1.32 E VVS1 diamond cost that little four years ago.

A friend of a friend is in the industry. I know he spent that much because I''ve since met the jeweller involved -- plus he''s told me a couple of times. I suppose the application of a ''bargain mentality'' for something so important hurt a little and I wish he''d never told me.

My husband is a wonderful man and we''re extremely close. I think the negative comments from others started to make me question his decision to play it modestly when, in fact, I would usually commend someone''s financial savvy. Funny how it''s different in this instance.

Thanks for being my personal therapists, everyone!!

Something is still not right about that. A 1.3 E VVS1 was nowhere near $5000 4 years ago. I''ll bet wholesale was a lot more than $5000. So either someone owed him for something and took a loss, or he and the jeweler are very good at keeping you in the dark as to the real price. A 1.20 E VVS1 premium cut is close to $14,000 right now at James Allen. So a 1.3 would likely be over $15,000. I assure you that you have a more valuable diamond than about 95% of other people.

 

[larussel03]

Date: 10/10/2006 2:09:52 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Date: 10/10/2006 1:34:54 PM
Author: ursulawrite

Date: 10/10/2006 12:47:14 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
You said in an earlier post that your husband spent $5000 on your e-ring? Or at least you said that he told you that was all he was comfortable spending. Is it possible that he didn''t want you to know the exact amount? I can''t imagine a GIA certified 1.32 E VVS1 diamond cost that little four years ago.

A friend of a friend is in the industry. I know he spent that much because I''ve since met the jeweller involved -- plus he''s told me a couple of times. I suppose the application of a ''bargain mentality'' for something so important hurt a little and I wish he''d never told me.

My husband is a wonderful man and we''re extremely close. I think the negative comments from others started to make me question his decision to play it modestly when, in fact, I would usually commend someone''s financial savvy. Funny how it''s different in this instance.

Thanks for being my personal therapists, everyone!!

Something is still not right about that. A 1.3 E VVS1 was nowhere near $5000 4 years ago. I''ll bet wholesale was a lot more than $5000. So either someone owed him for something and took a loss, or he and the jeweler are very good at keeping you in the dark as to the real price. A 1.20 E VVS1 premium cut is close to $14,000 right now at James Allen. So a 1.3 would likely be over $15,000. I assure you that you have a more valuable diamond than about 95% of other people.

Yeah, my .9ish appraised at about 6K and it''s G VS1. Maybe he told you less so you wouldnt freak out!

 

[larussel03]

Date: 10/10/2006 11:54:26 AM
Author: Sophie

Date: 10/9/2006 11:00:10 PM
Author: *~Sweetpea~*
Maybe you should switch the ring to your middle finger and when they give you a hard time, offer them a closer look.

lol that's great!!!!!

Heh, I have zero snob tolerance, I'm one to likely say it as well and preface it with my signature "You know what..."...anything that starts with that is never good from me...

 

[allycat0303]

Well I''ve been following this thread because this intrests me a lot. I also remember that Ursula was unhappy with her e-ring about a year ago, because of diamond envy over 2 carat stones in her circle. And this situation has always stuck in my mind.

And one of the things that came up in the previous thread was that her husband could have afforded "so much more" and I''ve always asked myself "Does that mean he''s automatically obligated to spend more?" He takes her on beautiful vacations and has invested a lot of money in renovating their apartment. Granted these are all things he can enjoy too, but bottom line is that he is providing her with a good life. And I think that as the principle bread earner in the relationship, maybe he feel that he gets the final say on where the money is spent. AND this is my personal opinon, because although the concept is shared money in a marriage, I know that in many couples this isn''t the dynamic. I personally feel (AND THIS IS JUST ME, everybody does what works for them) that the principle bread earner does in many ways have the final say. And I know there are a lot of wealthy husband that spoil their wives, and a lot of wealthy wives that spoil their husbands

but if her husband is really against the idea of upgrade/change etc., is there really anything she can do about it except maybe badger him until she gets it?

And this isn''t meant to be tough love or anything like that. I just think that everyone wants things. I want things. But if I can''t buy them for myself (because I can''t afford them) I wouldn''t have the expectation that my husband should buy them for me (just because he can). I really want a 3 carat diamond one day. If my husband is able and willing to buy it for me, then terrific. If I can talk to him about it gently (and maybe with a little force), and steer him into that direction then great. And if he can afford it, but won''t, then I''m going to buy one for myself. If I can''t afford it on my own, then it''s going to be one of those things I''ve dreamed of, but never got. But nothing that is going to bring me shame, regret, etc., because someone made a nasty comment.

In any case, I just feel like your husband seems to be a great guy, good provider. He''s into quiet money and sentiment, you''re into a more flashy money. AGAIN I''m not saying this is a bad thing. I like flash, call me superficial etc., I don''t care, it''s just that in this case you differ on what kind of statement your e-ring should make, but hopefully you can talk to him into your position. If not then wear the platinum band if it gives you peace, and stops you from comparing with other people.

 

[Allisonfaye]

It''s a funny thing. You are concerned about the small size of your diamond due to where you live but there have been a few threads where women didn''t feel comfortable because they upgraded or had something they felt was too big. (I myself am uncomfortable wearing my 1.9 ring around my family sometimes (but I still do). At some point, I will probably either upgrade again or get a RHR of about 3-5 carats.

I was in a similar situation as far as feeling like my fiance could afford more than the original budget that he gave me. I wasn''t sure how to approach it at all. I knew he was setting a budget based on how much his sisters'' rings were based on info from his mother but they had gotten engaged when they were much younger and their husbands didn''t make close to what mine did and never would. I was hurt. I did admittedly spend more than the budget but over time, and after coming on here and showing DH ring after ring and jewelry store after jewelry store, his attitude has done a 100% change. He appreciates it almost as much as I to now. I bought a blingy CZ one day for fun and he had me return it. He said he wanted me to have the real thing. Maybe give it some time. But NEVER knock your original ring to your DH. There is no good at all that can come of that.

I want to comment on two things that you said. As far as that loser who put you down and told you how much his wife''s ring cost, he has a small peni$.

If my husband said that to someone, I would divorce him.

Secondly, if a salesperson gives you attitude, just say in your head. "Hello. You are a SALESPERSON." (Not knocking salespeople here but c''mon). Do you think THEY could afford a three carat ring?

A true friend would never knock your jewelry.

 

[ursulawrite]

Date: 10/10/2006 2:22:35 PM
Author: allycat0303
Well I''ve been following this thread because this intrests me a lot. I also remember that Ursula was unhappy with her e-ring about a year ago, because of diamond envy over 2 carat stones in her circle. And this situation has always stuck in my mind.

And one of the things that came up in the previous thread was that her husband could have afforded ''so much more'' and I''ve always asked myself ''Does that mean he''s automatically obligated to spend more?'' He takes her on beautiful vacations and has invested a lot of money in renovating their apartment. Granted these are all things he can enjoy too, but bottom line is that he is providing her with a good life. And I think that as the principle bread earner in the relationship, maybe he feel that he gets the final say on where the money is spent. AND this is my personal opinon, because although the concept is shared money in a marriage, I know that in many couples this isn''t the dynamic. I personally feel (AND THIS IS JUST ME, everybody does what works for them) that the principle bread earner does in many ways have the final say. And I know there are a lot of wealthy husband that spoil their wives, and a lot of wealthy wives that spoil their husbands

but if her husband is really against the idea of upgrade/change etc., is there really anything she can do about it except maybe badger him until she gets it?

And this isn''t meant to be tough love or anything like that. I just think that everyone wants things. I want things. But if I can''t buy them for myself (because I can''t afford them) I wouldn''t have the expectation that my husband should buy them for me (just because he can). I really want a 3 carat diamond one day. If my husband is able and willing to buy it for me, then terrific. If I can talk to him about it gently (and maybe with a little force), and steer him into that direction then great. And if he can afford it, but won''t, then I''m going to buy one for myself. If I can''t afford it on my own, then it''s going to be one of those things I''ve dreamed of, but never got. But nothing that is going to bring me shame, regret, etc., because someone made a nasty comment.

In any case, I just feel like your husband seems to be a great guy, good provider. He''s into quiet money and sentiment, you''re into a more flashy money. AGAIN I''m not saying this is a bad thing. I like flash, call me superficial etc., I don''t care, it''s just that in this case you differ on what kind of statement your e-ring should make, but hopefully you can talk to him into your position. If not then wear the platinum band if it gives you peace, and stops you from comparing with other people.

This is a really good post.

Ironically, I am subtle when it comes to most other things -- most notably, my writing style (yes, the love of my life and the bane, too, for it keeps me po'' . Further, I can''t abide obvious logos on clothes, I wear little make-up and my hair is long, straight and a natural brown. Cars, diamonds and gourmet food get me every time, though.

My husband is the type to own four sweaters from J-Crew and a few pairs of Gap jeans; that, sum total, is his off-duty wardobe. Most of his friends flash the money about like goodness knows what, but he doesn''t give a fig for playing that game. He grew up in an old-money CT town whereas I, on the other hand, am working-class English, unable to shake off -- in spite of my mainly artistic sensibilities -- a desperate yearning for the odd bit of flash

Already we''re talking about what kind of car we should get next year. My vote goes to the Audi S4 Cabriolet; he''s thinking more along the lines of a used Volvo.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

get the used volvo and use the money you saved for your upgrade.

 

[ursulawrite]

Date: 10/10/2006 2:47:18 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
get the used volvo and use the money you saved for your upgrade.

See, I would, but there''s no way my husband would agree to that.

When we were doing our apartment renovations, it stunned me when the budget kept going up. He would sheepishly tell me that he''d agreed to another suggestion of our architect''s and I would be shell-shocked whereas he would giggle and tell me it was worth it. Don''t get me wrong -- our apartment looks fantastic now, but if it had been down to me, there is no way I would have agreed to, say, $3000 for plastering a wall in some fancy schmanzy wave pattern.

With my salary being itty bitty, I have a say in large purchases, yes, but in the end most of the money is "his", and so I just roll with it.

 

[Julian]

I don''t know, Ursula... I think you should start to rethink how you view your family''s finances.

When a woman marries a man, they become one. Everything that''s his is yours and vice versa. It''s not "his" money -- it''s "our" or in your case, your(plural) money. I feel confident in all financial decisions because it''s "our" money regardless of whether I am working or not.

You two are a unit, working together. Sounds like he has all the power or perhaps you are enabling him to think he does. You matter! You are the wife! In many cultures, the wife is the head of the household!!! You matter! You have a voice and if he''s spending a ton on your apartment and not on something that''s important to you, speak up! I know e-rings are sentimental, but there are ways to work around that. You can honor your marriage and the sentiment of your e-ring AND get what you desire.

Maybe you could get a RHR. Maybe you could use your e-ring stone as a sidestone for your upgrade.. or turn it into a pendant. It is lovely and a nice size, too. But I understand wanting bigger. That''s just preference. Heck, some people like to wear their hair big. Wear higher heels. Whatever makes you happy. Obviously, he is not making that his priority and that is why you feel shame & regret. It sounds like you feel he didn''t put enough care or sacrifice enough for you.

Make yourself a priority! You are important. You are not someone along for the ride - you are the leading lady. It''s your money, too. You are entitled, as an equal partner, to have your desires met since it seems like finances are not a problem.

 

[allycat0303]

Ursulawrite,

I'm sure if it were 1/2 and 1/2 both of your salaries, you would be really comfortable asking for x,y, z, but to some degree, if he doesn't feel that this isn't "his priority" it isn't. He wants to spend on the apartement, and the very bottom line is that it is his money, so he can spend on whatever he wants. And if he thinks fancy wave patterns are important, then so be it. Of course, it would be wonderful if he was would just say "yes dear". And he does have to agree if you are going to get an upgrade, because he's the one that will be buying it for you. And it's not to say that he's a bad person, he's got different views, priorities, and unfortunately, they aren't linning up with yours. And from what you've written, it seems as though he's pretty adament. So I'm going to say, that the ring of your dreams "may" have to stay in your dreams. And that stinks, because it has to build some sort of resentment because he can afford it, and he's spending that, if not more on other things.

But if we were to reverse...I am totally against really expensive cars. I think the insurance is high, the gas is high etc. So if I'm the principle bread earner in the family, there is no way in hell my boyfriend is going to convince me to buy one. He loves cars....it will make him happy, etc., I'm against it (and that's not factoring any sentiment). So I'm not going to buy one even if I can afford it. I'm going to buy myself a 3 carat rock, but I'm not going to buy the car. And to some extent it is my right, I would feel that I work hard, and I earned the money, so why shouldn't *I* get to decide what to spend it on? And that's just me. When I was with my boyfriend, we had joint finances, and he let me do what I want, but I do have to say that there is a tendency to think *my money* And in all honesty, I think it's easier for the person that earns less to say that it's "our money" because in this case, the person earning less is getting more, while the person earning more is giving. Now I know that it's not simply like that, there's children, housework, etc., but you can't quantify children, housework etc., but money/how much you earn is really easy, and on paper and people are most likely to quantify and be able to say "this is mine" or "I'm contributing this". So although you might be equal partners in all other things, because although he makes more but you contribute x, y, z, it's hard to say how much x, y, z is woth, and therefore you might feel that you bring less to a relationship. And this is especially true in a society where money and status are the major markers of success.

I've had both sides of this issue. My father was very wealthy and let my mom have unlimited access to do everything she wanted (but now she's really wealthy and he retired at 53 yrs old) And my ex boyfriend's mom would have to negotiate with her husband, and very often would go without the things she really wanted, or would convince herself of all the reasons why she really DIDN'T want them.

So my only advice to you, is to find something that works for you. For me, the eternity band would be a huge WOW. Because if I see a woman wearing one I think, jeez, she's going really understated today, and then I spend some time imagining what huge e-ring she must have. And I do have to say, that in all honesty, with that monstously huge eternity band I would have expected your e-ring to be larger. Maybe 2.5-3 carats....so grrr for you.... I hope you can convince him.

 

[Stone Hunter]

ursulawrite -- I just want to let you know I support you in your mixed and swirling emotions about your ering.

I was going to copy Allycat's post and tell you how much I agree with it, but you've already done that! I also think Allisonfaye had good advice.

Looks like most of the first snotty comments have come from you DH's coworkers??? They are trying to compete with him and are using you, putting you down to get to your husband. This is just so RUDE. Somehow you have to pull yourself out of this. It is not good for you. Also do you feel it is somewhat unfair of your husband to bring you into this competitive culture (coworker thing) and then give you something that will open you to criticism??

If so you need to talk to him about this. He maybe clueless. Maybe you need to talk to him and make him aware of what his coworkers are doing. It seems that he is so comfortable/confident that they won't put him down to his face. Has he seen the way they treat you?

Good Luck!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 10/10/2006 3:04:25 PM
Author: ursulawrite

Date: 10/10/2006 2:47:18 PM

Author: Tacori E-ring

get the used volvo and use the money you saved for your upgrade.

See, I would, but there''s no way my husband would agree to that.


When we were doing our apartment renovations, it stunned me when the budget kept going up. He would sheepishly tell me that he''d agreed to another suggestion of our architect''s and I would be shell-shocked whereas he would giggle and tell me it was worth it. Don''t get me wrong -- our apartment looks fantastic now, but if it had been down to me, there is no way I would have agreed to, say, $3000 for plastering a wall in some fancy schmanzy wave pattern.


With my salary being itty bitty, I have a say in large purchases, yes, but in the end most of the money is ''his'', and so I just roll with it.

Buy a smaller stone at a place with a good upgrade program. Before you know it, you''ll have your 2 ct.

 

[Stone Hunter]

Yes. How your husband views your wants and how he lets his coworkers treat you aside...

Tacori has a GREAT idea. Buy a small stone with "your" money and keep upgrading it as you can.

This will eventually get you the stone you desire. Hopefully you''ll resolve the other problems as time goes by too.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 10/10/2006 2:36:17 PM
Author: ursulawrite

This is a really good post.

Ironically, I am subtle when it comes to most other things -- most notably, my writing style (yes, the love of my life and the bane, too, for it keeps me po'' . Further, I can''t abide obvious logos on clothes, I wear little make-up and my hair is long, straight and a natural brown. Cars, diamonds and gourmet food get me every time, though.

My husband is the type to own four sweaters from J-Crew and a few pairs of Gap jeans; that, sum total, is his off-duty wardobe. Most of his friends flash the money about like goodness knows what, but he doesn''t give a fig for playing that game. He grew up in an old-money CT town whereas I, on the other hand, am working-class English, unable to shake off -- in spite of my mainly artistic sensibilities -- a desperate yearning for the odd bit of flash

Already we''re talking about what kind of car we should get next year. My vote goes to the Audi S4 Cabriolet; he''s thinking more along the lines of a used Volvo.

I have the same loves! My husband likes cars and gourmet food but diamonds are clear worthless pebbles that are ridiculously overpriced. We have similar socioeconomic issues between my husband and I. I grew up with a large portion of my fam being upper middle class and his came from mexico being very poor and they have exceeded their dreams owning a home in a neighborhood you couldn''t pay me to live in, yet one he grew up in. We''re both pretty humble in most things... he in nearly everything except the car (which by many standards was still humble lol)

Did you read pricescope''s description of the meaning of a diamond on another thread on this forum? I think it''s called "diamonds as status symbol" well... on the last page or so PS gives a great description of how the rings are like art so I''m running with that now... it''s absurd to know me and think I''d want a large diamond but I do and I think my love for art is actually a big component of that...

 

[CrownJewel]

Ursula! I'm so glad you started this thread. Not only is it an interesting topic for EVERYONE to think about, but hopefully everyone's comments will be useful to you. It's good to talk about things that bother you!

I live in Manhattan, my boyfriend lives in Manhattan, the majority of our friends live in different parts of NYC and we both went to university in Manhattan. We're both 26 years old, and we'll be among the first of our friends to get engaged. The few that already are engaged don't have diamonds above 1.5 carats and most are from very wealthy families. Most of the guys graduated from Ivy League universities or other "top 20" universities. Many are involved in finance or technology. Maybe this is because we are all still young? Maybe I will encounter snide comments in a few years when all of my friends have 2+ carats or when my friends start upgrading their 1 carat diamonds? I remember a friend of mine got engaged a few years ago. She showed me her +/- 1 carat round diamond with trillions and the first thing she said was "It's small...but I like it anyway." I didn't think her diamond was small. I thought she was SO LUCKY to be engaged and to have a sparkly rock on her hand. Her wedding was a black tie affair at the Metropolitan Club and it was beautiful. She is such a nice person, her husband is really nice, they're both extremely intelligent people with bright futures, and their wedding was one of my favorites. She and her husband come from two of the wealthiest families I know.

I read somewhere on pricescope that some Asian cultures believe in white and near-flawless diamonds because the purity is very symbolic and important to them. They'll spend tens of thousands on a flawless diamond that is less than 1 carat.

So there are lots of people in NYC that have a positive view on diamonds that are less than 2 carats. Your 1.3 carat diamond will look way bigger than the 1.5 carat radiant that my boyfriend just bought. Perhaps the giant rocks that your friends have are not as pure as yours. It is rare to have an E VVS1. I personally think that if you love the qualities of your ring and your diamond, you can convince your friends to be envious of it. You can convince anyone of ANYTHING if you "sell" it the right way. My boyfriend has changed many of my views, just because he introduces a different way of looking at it. I've even found myself agreeing with him on diamonds. "Why on earth should I spend that much money on carbon, however well-organized the atoms are? I can't eat it, I can't drive it, it doesn't necessarily last me a lifetime because diamonds chip, they scratch, they crumble if they have certain inclusions in them, and if I resell, I will lose money so it's a bad investment." I'm sure some girls will think I'm ridiculous for wanting a diamond. To them, I'll say "I love diamonds because they're so beautiful. It has qualities that no other gem has." I'm sure there will be girls who will say "Yours is small." (haha...everything about me is small! I'm used to that comment. Small boobs, 5'0" tall, small hands, small feet...haha!) Anyway, to them I'll say, "We saved our money for traveling the world. Besides, I'm very active with my hands. Any bigger and I'd end up accidentally hammering the thing." Whenever people comment on how short I am, I say, "Yeah, well I'm space efficient." Every stupid comment is succeeded by a smart response. I am always comfortable on airplanes and buses. So what if I can't reach the cereal at the supermarket? I just politely ask someone else to get it.

It was quite a struggle for me to get my boyfriend to spend half a month's salary on an engagement ring. Two month's salary? HA! He scoffed at the idea. I asked him, why ARE you buying me a diamond engagement ring then? He said, "because I see how happy it makes you." He thinks diamonds are really silly. All of his male friends think diamonds are silly. They think girls are silly for wanting them so badly. And yes, they all live in Manhattan. And yes, they can afford $20,000 diamonds. Maybe some of them will spend $20k on their diamonds. My boyfriend didn't spend much more than $5k. I overheard him saying to his roomate, "It's ridiculous. The ring is so expensive and it took us so long to find the right diamond and the right setting. But I just hope she likes it."

I tend to talk and write in a very circular mode. I tend to lose my train of thought, so forgive me. I swear I had a point. It sounds like my boyfriend is a little like your husband. They could have afforded a much much much much bigger diamond, but they didn't go that route. They wanted to marry us, so they caved in and bought us a diamond. They want us to be happy with it and they want us to wear it. They might even like looking at it!! Imagine your husband really wanting a $50,000 car. You bought it for him, but it doesn't have all the accessories that his friends' $200,000 cars have. So it sits on the street. He's too embarrassed to drive it even though he thinks it's cool. Maybe that's how your husband feels when you don't wear your ring.

But it sounds to me like you really love your ring. It is white, nearly flawless, practically covers your little finger in ice, and sparkles!! Let me say again, IT'S NEARLY FLAWLESS AND SPARKLES!!! Do the 3 carat diamonds on those other New Yorkers' fingers sparkle as much? I highly doubt they're as flawless as yours. You're so lucky to have such a tiny finger! There are so many great things about your situation! If someone says, "why do you have such a small diamond?" You can say, "I wanted a diamond that was near perfect. It sparkles so much more than the bigger diamonds. I also wanted something I can wear everyday." If a salesperson ignores you, walk up to them and say, "Can you help me?" If that salesperson is less than accomodating, leave. You can call the store later and say, "I'm looking for so and so shoes. One of your salepeople was rude to me this afternoon so I didn't buy them while I was there." I was in Neiman Marcus last month looking for a Rafe handbag. The saleswoman said, "No we don't have it. How much does it cost? $200? $300? Bags like that don't cost enough for us to stock it." She tried to sell me a $1300 Marc Jacobs bag. I took her business card and left. I ordered the bag (which was $500) on the Neiman Marcus website. Nasty salespeople do NOT get any money from me!!!

Good luck. I'm envious of your ring. Mine is a 1.53 carat I SI1. And my finger is bigger than yours. Your round kicks my radiant's butt. But I still love my ring. And I love yours too!!!!

 

[Allisonfaye]

It IS hard when one person makes quite a bit more $$. That was/is the case with my DH and I. In the beginning, he tried to pull the "I make more so I get more say in decisions'' bs. It was hard not to get sucked in to that mindset. My mom (a notorious doormat) also subtlely or not so subtlely conveyed that same thing to me when I was first married. It was like ''he makes good money so his opinion carries more weight''. No offense, Mom, but you are divorced. (not that there is anything wrong with that). My dad was a notorious dictator.

We were looking at houses and I wanted to live in the suburbs and he wanted to live in the city and he just stopped short...no, actually, I think he DID say it once. "Well, since I will be PAYING for it....I get to decide''...

Well, too bad for me. Right? Wrong! haha

I don''t think one person should get more say in the decision making process based on their income. Now I do think financial decisions and goals should be made together. Let''s face it. Any bling that you get is for YOUR benefit, not his. It is a lot of money to spend on oneself. It must be agreed to mutually. But one person getting more vote because they make more? I don''t agree with that.

I am happy to say my DH came around on that too. I spend way more on me than he does on him. But that is just because he is not a spender. And if he did want something (like his nice watch that he got in St. Thomas) I make sure to say yes and he usually returns the favor.

 

[Julian]

Date: 10/10/2006 5:12:22 PM
Author: Allisonfaye
It IS hard when one person makes quite a bit more $$. That was/is the case with my DH and I. In the beginning, he tried to pull the 'I make more so I get more say in decisions' bs. It was hard not to get sucked in to that mindset. My mom (a notorious doormat) also subtlely or not so subtlely conveyed that same thing to me when I was first married. It was like 'he makes good money so his opinion carries more weight'. No offense, Mom, but you are divorced. (not that there is anything wrong with that). My dad was a notorious dictator.

We were looking at houses and I wanted to live in the suburbs and he wanted to live in the city and he just stopped short...no, actually, I think he DID say it once. 'Well, since I will be PAYING for it....I get to decide'...

Well, too bad for me. Right? Wrong! haha

I don't think one person should get more say in the decision making process based on their income. Now I do think financial decisions and goals should be made together. Let's face it. Any bling that you get is for YOUR benefit, not his. It is a lot of money to spend on oneself. It must be agreed to mutually. But one person getting more vote because they make more? I don't agree with that.

I am happy to say my DH came around on that too. I spend way more on me than he does on him. But that is just because he is not a spender. And if he did want something (like his nice watch that he got in St. Thomas) I make sure to say yes and he usually returns the favor.

Exactly! I can see how easy it is to get sucked into that, but I think it can end with a very resentful woman and a man who takes her for granted or doesn't value her as an equal partner. Congrats and kudos to you and your DH! He sounds like a very good husband to you.

Marriage is about becoming one. I know there are compromises and push-pull situations, but at the heart of the matter is the fact that you are both in it together forever. And to me, that means equal partnership and respect. I know I would not feel respected if DH were to think he had more say because he made more. What would that make me? A pretty pet? I think not!

From the beginning, DH and I built a healthy foundation of mutual respect. He's unhappy when I'm unhappy and vice versa. If I really feel strongly about something, he will give in and I do the same for him. We talk things through and often there are solutions we are both happy with.

There is always a win-win solution. But the "he makes more so he has more say" sounds like a "he wins, she loses" situation. I'd rather it be, "He makes more but that's just money. We both bring unlimited potential and love to the relationship. Because that's what marriage is about for us. Marriage is more than just money."

 

[allycat0303]

Well it is more about money, but I can easily see where the money/who earns more comes into play. I''m like that, so I can easily imagine see how other people are like that. If all marriages were equal partnerships, no one would have pre-nups to protect their assets, and no one would get divorced before both parties were ready and willing. I think it''s very hard to have a 50/50 equal partnership. I think splitting a cake down 50/50 so a marriage is even harder.

I think there are a hundred million dyanamics that can exist between a couple. I don''t think there is a right or wrong way, just a righter and wronger way for each couple. And maybe Ursula''s husband is really, really against and upgrade. In which case, I don''t see how she is going to win, because she can''t go out and buy it herself. And at some point, although I really do sympathize with Ursula, I also have to say, "Doesn''t she also have an obligation to respect his wishes? Especially since hes going to be buying it for her?" I think it''s hard to come up with a win-win when one party is totally oppposed to something. I suppose he might be willing to buy her a HUGE RHR. Maybe that would be a compromise, as an anniversary present.

 

[divergrrl]

I''ve seen gorgeous rings at .50 carats and under. Its not the size that makes a ring beautiful. In some countries, wearing a large ring is simply not done.

Don''t we have some Montreal ps-ers who are breaking the mold by wearing 1+ carat rings, when in reality most women are sporting much smaller stones?

Check out the under 1 carat thread & prepared to be wowed by a lot of beautiful rings.

If my circle of friends made fun of the size of my ring, I''d get new friends. Well, I dont'' even think you can call those people friends--at least I wouldn''t.

Jeannine

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 10/10/2006 5:38:25 PM
Author: allycat0303
Well it is more about money, but I can easily see where the money/who earns more comes into play. I''m like that, so I can easily imagine see how other people are like that. If all marriages were equal partnerships, no one would have pre-nups to protect their assets, and no one would get divorced before both parties were ready and willing. I think it''s very hard to have a 50/50 equal partnership. I think splitting a cake down 50/50 so a marriage is even harder.

I think there are a hundred million dyanamics that can exist between a couple. I don''t think there is a right or wrong way, just a righter and wronger way for each couple. And maybe Ursula''s husband is really, really against and upgrade. In which case, I don''t see how she is going to win, because she can''t go out and buy it herself. And at some point, although I really do sympathize with Ursula, I also have to say, ''Doesn''t she also have an obligation to respect his wishes? Especially since hes going to be buying it for her?'' I think it''s hard to come up with a win-win when one party is totally oppposed to something. I suppose he might be willing to buy her a HUGE RHR. Maybe that would be a compromise, as an anniversary present.

You know... I felt more like my husband had his money and I had mine until we had kids and I no longer worked... now I absolutely without a doubt not only know but believe his money is my money LOL No qualms there. We do have a $50 rule that we should talk about anything that costs over $50 but I break it where appropriate - it''s not like I''m going to call him and ask permission to spend money on things we NEED it''s just about extra dumb stuff we don''t need like a new nuclear powered remote control or a weekend at a spa or something LOL We made that rule years ago, we probably should up it a bit LOL Anyway, the husband wouldn''t DARE try to pull something on me about it being *his*money. I think birthing and caring for his babies erases any of that. I don''t think he felt that way before we had kids but I did. Now I don''t LOL

 

[SquareCut]

Ursula, what does your hubby say about his friends' comments about your ring?

 

[phoenixgirl]

This reminds of one of the stories in The Joy Luck Club where this husband makes his wife split everything 50/50 even though he makes 10 times as much as she does.

The my money/our money thing did rear its ugly head when I wanted my diamond band. Both of my bands combined cost about as much as his platinum wedding band did. I paid off his credit card debt before we got married and I transferred the nest egg into both of our names. So I felt like, darnit, I never ask for anything, I have given him countless expensive gifts and lifted a financial burden off of him, and HE WILL GET ME WHAT I WANT!!! If it hadn''t have been such a debacle, I don''t think I would have reverted to thinking of it as just my money.

Oh, while we''re on the subject, get this. I never buy anything for myself, clothes included, unless absolutely necesssary. I enjoy buying gifts for others, but I don''t go shopping unless I have a specific need. My family gets me clothes for Christmas and my birthday, so other than that I probably spend $200 to $300 a year on clothes and shoes and such. The only thing I buy yearly is a new bathing suit or two. It gives me pleasure to go on the J Crew website and pick one out. So we''re at dinner with some new acquaintances, and DH is mentioning guitars or bikes or something else he likes to spend money on. This guy turns to me and says, "So what''s your expensive vice?" and DH answers, "Bathing suits!" What???!!! I never buy anything that isn''t necessary except one bathing suit a year . . . so this is a vice? Later I explained to DH that I didn''t really appreciate his answer, and DH hung his head and said, "You''re right. I probably should have said that I''m your expensive vice."

DH has been desperate for a new bike, but we didn''t have the money in cash, so he got a new credit card just in his name (which I can monitor online) with 0% APR for a year, and he used it to buy the bike then put it (the card) in storage. He''s going to pay it back over 10 months. I guess I disagree that the person who has or makes more gets to make more of the decisions. Yes, I was resentful about the ring debacle, but I still want my husband to be happy. Even though I have my rule about credit card balances, it was my idea because I really wanted him to get the bike. We''re a team, and if he''s spending time outdoors and getting exercise and making himself happy, it''s a win/win/win/win (the last win is because then I''m happy too). So even though I feel like we have to make decisions together and that if either of us were justified in dictating how to use the money, it would be I, still I don''t feel that either of us should act unilaterally. We should want to make each other happy (within reason), right? And if we''re married to someone whose financial goals or desires are outrageous to us, then perhaps we have bigger problems.

Ursula, is your husband happy that you are an artist? It would be one thing if he felt you weren''t pulling your weight and wanted you to get a different job. But if appreciates and accepts your profession and its lower earning potential, then I don''t see how he can declare that it''s his money. That won''t work in a one-income family, so why should it be an issue in a two-income family?

 

[Christa]

Date: 10/10/2006 7:59:44 PM
Author: Cehrabehra

You know... I felt more like my husband had his money and I had mine until we had kids and I no longer worked... now I absolutely without a doubt not only know but believe his money is my money LOL No qualms there. We do have a $50 rule that we should talk about anything that costs over $50 but I break it where appropriate - it''s not like I''m going to call him and ask permission to spend money on things we NEED it''s just about extra dumb stuff we don''t need like a new nuclear powered remote control or a weekend at a spa or something LOL We made that rule years ago, we probably should up it a bit LOL Anyway, the husband wouldn''t DARE try to pull something on me about it being *his*money. I think birthing and caring for his babies erases any of that. I don''t think he felt that way before we had kids but I did. Now I don''t LOL

Ditto what she said. I totally do not get the "my money/his money" mentality in marriage. I have been mostly a SAHM for the last 14 years, but I handle the finances and my husband is very much aware that my contributions to the household are worth at least as much as the $ he contributes.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 10/11/2006 9:36:39 PM
Author: Christa

Date: 10/10/2006 7:59:44 PM

Author: Cehrabehra


You know... I felt more like my husband had his money and I had mine until we had kids and I no longer worked... now I absolutely without a doubt not only know but believe his money is my money LOL No qualms there. We do have a $50 rule that we should talk about anything that costs over $50 but I break it where appropriate - it's not like I'm going to call him and ask permission to spend money on things we NEED it's just about extra dumb stuff we don't need like a new nuclear powered remote control or a weekend at a spa or something LOL We made that rule years ago, we probably should up it a bit LOL Anyway, the husband wouldn't DARE try to pull something on me about it being *his*money. I think birthing and caring for his babies erases any of that. I don't think he felt that way before we had kids but I did. Now I don't LOL

Ditto what she said. I totally do not get the 'my money/his money' mentality in marriage. I have been mostly a SAHM for the last 14 years, but I handle the finances and my husband is very much aware that my contributions to the household are worth at least as much as the $ he contributes.

I agreer with you too. I married my dh when I was finishing college and debating law school. Ended up getting a masters, and staying home with our kids. Yes, I have always had live in help, but my dh travels a lot and it was the only way to go to school, deal with two kids, one of whom was colicky and had reflux, deal with my migraines, and run the house. It is a necessary luxury. Our deal always has been that he works. I am blessed that he is successful. I have three kids now, and he still have a lot of business travel, and I hold down the fort. I am blessed to have 7 day a week coverage but learned that for me to stay sane it was what I needed, no judgements on how anyone else lives. Bottom line, I contribute a huge amount to this household, just because I do not leave home and earn a paycheck. I am at all school plays, conferences, field trips, sit in my car in the cold and rain waiting for a kid to finish a class, do homework, do carpools, dinner, baths etc...this is the mom job and it has value beyond a paycheck. He is very generous materially which is nice, but what is more important to me is that though he is the earner, I feel it is ours and big decisions need to be agreeable to us both. After more than 16 years, I know I pull my weight in ways he does not, and it all works out...

 

[gailrmv]

Ursula,
Your post has been bugging me for a couple days. I hope this does not come off the wrong way, but here''s the thing. You have beautiful jewelry by any standard. You live in NYC in a newly renovated apartment that you own. You love your job and it sounds like, are enjoying a much higher standard of living than you could afford on your own. Not to mention, you have a happy marriage (at least I hope so). What''s not to be happy about?

I''ll also add that when I''ve visited NYC with smaller jewelry than yours, I''ve never received any rude looks or bad service or anything as a result, even in high end shopping or dining.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 10/12/2006 12:11:12 AM
Author: diamondfan



I agreer with you too. I married my dh when I was finishing college and debating law school. Ended up getting a masters, and staying home with our kids. Yes, I have always had live in help, but my dh travels a lot and it was the only way to go to school, deal with two kids, one of whom was colicky and had reflux, deal with my migraines, and run the house. It is a necessary luxury. Our deal always has been that he works. I am blessed that he is successful. I have three kids now, and he still have a lot of business travel, and I hold down the fort. I am blessed to have 7 day a week coverage but learned that for me to stay sane it was what I needed, no judgements on how anyone else lives. Bottom line, I contribute a huge amount to this household, just because I do not leave home and earn a paycheck. I am at all school plays, conferences, field trips, sit in my car in the cold and rain waiting for a kid to finish a class, do homework, do carpools, dinner, baths etc...this is the mom job and it has value beyond a paycheck. He is very generous materially which is nice, but what is more important to me is that though he is the earner, I feel it is ours and big decisions need to be agreeable to us both. After more than 16 years, I know I pull my weight in ways he does not, and it all works out...

oh I could use it to stay sane for sure - but cannot afford it - which is why I''m not sane!!!! lol!!

I am NOT a domestic at all, I suck at it... I hate it... I long for solitude... I would love help like that!! And boy, the family doesn''t realize it but they''d love it too LOL What I *really* want is not a nanny but a personal assistant willing to do whatever so I don''t have to and I can go back to sitting on the couch with my bonbons or surfing the net... I want to be a princess!!! hahaha

 

[snowflakeluvr]

hang in there. marriage is rarely if ever 50/50....hopefully yours will be filled with good times and little time for squabbles over his and hers...my husband is/has always been very generous. he works hard for the $$$, i work harder raising our five kids...we both win, cuz he gets to come home to a great household filled with love and i get diamonds.
hard to believe something so tiny yet tangible(diamonds) causes so much EMOTION to flow...long live our sparklies! i am quietly relentless and continue to receive great jewelry when affordable. i bet you can do the same.

 

[reader]

Wow, are these people really your friends, or must you tolerate them for other reasons? How many of their stones are faux or poorly cut? How many are in debt, or wearing an "I''m sorry" present? All is never what it seems.
A 1.3 is a great stone size no matter where you are: huge in the less metropolitian areas, tastefully elegant and not gaudy in 5 ct land. Whoever is sending neg. messages about your diamonds proves the adage: "Money does not buy good breeding"

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/10/2006 12:20:48 PM
Author: Mara

i know if i go out with just my w-ring on, like i do some saturdays for my workout, or similar, if greg sees me, he asks where my e-ring is. this always makes me laugh because i hardly go without it but he is like a hawk eye and notices when i don''t have it on.

That''s because when he doesn''t see it, he breaks out in HIVES wondering if it''s in the hands of a bench jeweler getting another upgrade! LOL

LMAO. Just kidding.

In all seriousness, I think that it''s awesome he understands your passion about diamonds. Just as he''s passionate about his cars, he knows that diamonds are your thing, and he''s supportive. That''s great.