Strange comment from a co-worker

[baby monster]

This comment really stuck out in my mind so I wanted to see what everyone thinks.

I was taking a train home with a co-worker. We''re friendly and usually chitchat about this and that. I was asking him about his family because his wife and him recently had a second child when he said: "You are an asset to your bf because you work and make money. My wife is a liability because she stays home and I have to support her." My first thought - "You are such an ASS." Staying home and raising the kids is a hard job. So he continued: "I wanted her to go back to work after the first child started school but she did not want that and decided to have another kid." My second thought - "Well, that doesn''t sound like a compromise. She totally got her way."

I don''t know his wife, so I''m not going to make any judgements about her. But has any guy ever expressed such thoughts to you?

 

[princesss]

No, nobody''s ever made a comment like that to me, but wow. That''s....yikes.

And it''s interesting how he has taken no responsibility for their second child. *She* decided, *she* had the child.

 

[risingsun]

It takes two to make a baby, IIRC. I''d be cautious around this "poor, misunderstood husband," if I were you

 

[diamondsrock]

As awful as it may sound, I think some guys are a bit resentful of their wives staying home and not working. They don't fully understand the effort it takes to raise children, so they think their wives are home all day lounging around (hardly!). I've always worked but I can imagine how demanding it is to be a stay at home mom. I worked part time when my son was younger. Obviously I'm not saying all men feel this way. I would think it is a minority opinion.
It sounds like he wasn't crazy about them having another child, and she went ahead and did it anyways. I think two parents should be in full agreement about having a child, and it doesn't sound like this is the case. Maybe she was off her birth control and he didn't know? Who knows. He may be holding a lot of resentment over that. Also, he sounds resentful over having to be the only breadwinner. Maybe they are having financial difficulties, and her going back to work was what he thought would help, and now all the pressure is on him. I think they could use some marraige counseling!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 12/15/2007 4:34:08 PM
Author: risingsun
It takes two to make a baby, IIRC. I''d be cautious around this ''poor, misunderstood husband,'' if I were you

Seriously! I do agree that *some* men do resent their wives but that doesn''t make it right. My business partner and I JUST had this conversation yesterday. We both agree that once the children are school age, the wife should *consider* going back to work if the family needs the money and her DH wants her to. But having a newborn/toddlers is a full time job! I think it is rude for him to complain about her to you anyways. If he didn''t want to have more children there are ways for HIM to prevent them.

 

[Girlrocks]

My first reaction is the same as yours "what an a**".

I guess he had nothing to do with making that second child, huh?

I know a TON of women, myself included, who got pregnant shortly after my youngest (at that time) started school. When my twins started preschool, I was so upset to have an empty house and be out of the baby stage, that we decided to have another one (or 2

) within a few months.

 

[strmrdr]

fairly typical comment this time of year from a stressed out Dad.
Lots of stress and with kids demanding more and more expensive gifts its nutz!
I get told your lucky you dont have any rug rats a lot this time of year.

 

[baby monster]

Date: 12/15/2007 4:34:08 PM
Author: risingsun
It takes two to make a baby, IIRC. I'd be cautious around this 'poor, misunderstood husband,' if I were you

Well, as Diamondsrock pointed out, there are ways of screwing around with birth control when the husband or wife object to having a child. Maybe she did play a dirty trick on him.

I agree with the comments about financial pressures. He must've counted on her going back to work and having a bit more room in the budget. I just never heard anyone call their wife a liability.

 

[KimberlyH]

Several thoughts:

Unless she said she would be responsible for preventing conception of a second child, through whatever means of birth control, and lied they are both responsible for her second pregnancy.

I have never heard a spouse call his/her husband/wife a "liability" but I do know of men and women who resent being the sole support of their families, and in some cases, when the spouse takes advantage of the situation, I believe their feelings are valid (e.g. the wife stays home and overspends money, making it impossible for them to get ahead financially or stays home and does little to nothing in regards to caring for their home, the husband with perpetual home improvement projects, invented to prolong returning to work, etc.)

I also know of women who intentionally get pregnant with a child because they have agreed to return to work once the youngest is in preschool, elementary school or whatever the agreement may have been, and don''t want to go back. A really unfortunate reason to have a child.

These choices, how many kids a couple will have, who will stay home, for how long, should be made jointly, and when they aren''t, or when one partner feels pushed there will usually be resentment.

 

[Rhea]

If this was an out of the ordinary comment for him I''m going to guess he was just stressed out (2 children, 1 income, busy time of year, etc) and slipped up in the way that he vented. He likely won''t bring it up to you again if he truly realises what he''s said or how it sounded to you.

 

[Pandora II]

FI is adamant that I should work rather than stay at home with the kids if we have any, whereas his brother feels completely the other way.

I come from a family where the women have always stayed at home, and I''m not sure how one does the work/kids thing if you have no relatives near - which is putting me off having kids rather a lot. Daycare is pretty thin on the ground still in the UK.

When I asked FI why, it turns out that his mother ended up at home with the 4 of them and was bored senseless. FI''s father has very severe bipolar - psychotic episodes, the lot. Before FI was born, he tried to commit suicide twice - once driving his car off the road, and the second time injecting himself with a massive overdose of morphine (he''s a surgeon so easy access). FI''s mother found him and he recovered. The doctors told her that his stress and depression were caused by her being more successful in her career than he was and that she must give it up and have some children. Which she did.

FI is terrified that I will be like his mother and resent not working.

You never know what might be going on in the back of someone''s mind - and at xmas it''s always a hard time of year financially if one one person is working, unless you have a mega-salary.

 

[thekinglives]

I would beware any guy using this language about his
sole partner. Being able to use ''liability'' in this context,
stressed or not, implies that he''s low in respect for both
himself and his wife. His ''liable'' wife takes care of his
''beloved'' children. Sounds like the family he helped
create is not much more than a burden to him.

This kind of betrayal would tend to surface in
people who are low on empathy, cold and
uncommunicative in personal relationships, and
probably an all round game-player with peoples''
feelings. Maybe he married a good match and is
stewing in the results?

Anyway, that''s my 0.02

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I think it is horrible! I don''t hear a lot of love in that comment. My husband wanted me to be happy whether that meant staying home, working part-time, or working fulltime. And during the years I stayed home fulltime by choice, he 100% supported that and never complained about not having the extra money...probably because he put the welfare of our kids before some toys he''d like to buy!!!

This guy was rather self-centered if he would rather her go back to work rather than have a second child. Perhaps she loves being a mother and that is what gives the most meaning to her life. I feel so sorry for girls who are married to someone like that. Money does not buy happiness.

 

[Kaleigh]

To me this is a very sad comment. He doesn''t value what his wife does. Staying home and taking care of the kids IS a full time job, and one that should be respected. Sad he doesn''t see it that way. Not knowing him, hard to make a judgement, but have to disagree.

 

[rainbowtrout]

She could have done any number of things to him to deserve him feeling like that---but making the comment to a coworker he barely knows? Disrespectful in the extreme and just something you don''t do.

 

[mrssalvo]

i just feel so bad for his wife. I wonder if she has any idea he feels that way about her. I''m a fulltime stay at home mom and would just be heartbroken and feel so betrayed if my husband even felt that way for one second, not to mention sharing it with someone. Not wanting a second child is one thing, but if the reason is b/c he wanted her to go back to work, that is just really sad. I feel sorry for the both of them

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 12/15/2007 2:17:29 PM
Author:baby monster
I don''t know his wife, so I''m not going to make any judgements about her. But has any guy ever expressed such thoughts to you?

A married friend/co-worker of mine never said anything quite so bald as the man you talked with, but there was a time shortly after he and his wife had their first child that he made a few waspish comments about his home situation to me. He made these comments on and off for about a month, which made me think he and his wife were having serious marital problems. He was a band director and worked from 7am-10pm Monday-Friday and all day (8am-midnight) on Saturdays. His wife stopped working when they had the baby, so he needed to keep his job to support the family financially. However, there''s no doubt his absence was hard on his wife, being a new mother, and it was stressful for him because he had many responsibilities and had difficulty juggling them all even before the new baby.

I was good friends with my co-worker, so in some ways it wasn''t *that* strange that he vented to me; I think he really needed to let out some of his frustrations because he was caught in a difficult position. But it did make me feel very uncomfortable, because I knew it was none of my business. At the time I even wondered if maybe he was telling me about his problems because he was contemplating cheating; I thought I was becoming his ''safe place'' where he could feel better, and was concerned about where that could lead. Probably all in my head, but who knows?

 

[baby monster]

Date: 12/15/2007 11:27:08 PM
Author: gwendolyn

I was good friends with my co-worker, so in some ways it wasn't *that* strange that he vented to me; I think he really needed to let out some of his frustrations because he was caught in a difficult position. But it did make me feel very uncomfortable, because I knew it was none of my business. At the time I even wondered if maybe he was telling me about his problems because he was contemplating cheating; I thought I was becoming his 'safe place' where he could feel better, and was concerned about where that could lead. Probably all in my head, but who knows?

Super uncomfortable! I'm a firm believer in not airing your dirty laundry to others, especially co-workers. Thank goodness it was my stop and I got off before he continued with the details.

I wonder if he is so resentful that he just has to vent and, since I don't know anyone in his personal life, this will not come back to bite him. Sort of like a mini-confession.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

At my old job before I moved to Georgia, there was a man who I worked with who I tried to avoid as much as possible. He was continously making comments about his stay-at-home wife. They have two children, one school age and the other a newborn (then she was, anyway). He said he was glad they ended up having another one, because he was worried that his wife would want to work, and there is no place in the workforce for a woman, not after she is married.

I guess he took the opposite approach from your co-worker, but it just FLOORED me that a man would say that a woman has "no place" in the workforce once she is married. He said her "job" became taking care of him, that he was her "new boss" once they got married and that he gave her a list of tasks to complete each week, and if she didn''t finish all of them, she got no "allowance."

She came to work functions a few times, and it just broke my heart. I know some women may like the June Cleaver role, but she just looked so beat down emotionally, like she was just going through the motions of life.

I don''t know why some people seem to be so stuck on where they think their spouses roles should be. It''s odd to me, and I can''t imagine my husband saying things like that to me.

Good luck being around this person; I got hot tempered a few times just by listening to his crazy off the wall thoughts.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 12/16/2007 1:17:22 AM
Author: baby monster
Super uncomfortable! I''m a firm believer in not airing your dirty laundry to others, especially co-workers. Thank goodness it was my stop and I got off before he continued with the details.


I wonder if he is so resentful that he just has to vent and, since I don''t know anyone in his personal life, this will not come back to bite him. Sort of like a mini-confession.

He could''ve maybe just happened to reach his breaking point that day and had to get it out of his system as soon as possible, and you were his lucky target? I know that my friend had just gotten off the phone with his wife the first time he''d talked to me, because he was so upset when I innocently said, "Hey, what''s up?" that he just let it all out, starting with the argument they''d just finished having.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 12/15/2007 10:30:00 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I think it is horrible! I don''t hear a lot of love in that comment. My husband wanted me to be happy whether that meant staying home, working part-time, or working fulltime. And during the years I stayed home fulltime by choice, he 100% supported that and never complained about not having the extra money...probably because he put the welfare of our kids before some toys he''d like to buy!!!

This guy was rather self-centered if he would rather her go back to work rather than have a second child. Perhaps she loves being a mother and that is what gives the most meaning to her life. I feel so sorry for girls who are married to someone like that. Money does not buy happiness.

But if children aren''t fulfilling to him and he isn''t ready and willing to do and be all that it takes to raise another child and give that child all that it needs and deserves should they be having another?

It sounds like you and your husband have a relationship built on strong communication and mutual respect. And my guess is that the two of you decided together how many children you would have, how long you would stay home, etc. This couple clearly does not, as he was willing to air their dirty laundry to a coworker -- totally inappropriate! If their household is as uncomfortable as that conversation was, and with resentment that overt I can''t imagine that it''s not, it can''t be a healthy place to raise one child, let alone two. It doesn''t make his feelings right and hers wrong, but I have to return to how children will be affected: by the way he feels about them, by the way he feels about their mother, etc.

 

[phoenixgirl]

That''s really sad.

There''s no right or wrong way to raise a family, but when choosing a partner, it''s important to know that you want the same things. It''s sad that he and his wife seem to want different things and are resentful and, if what he says is true, manipulative.

My husband and I both had stay-at-home moms and so both would like to have me stay home, although my husband says constantly that he wishes he were the one to stay home. Sometimes I have to say, look, that''s easy for you to say when you''ve never changed a diaper and aren''t the one who actually has to give up her career. But at least he is supportive of the idea.

This is one of those situations where you wish a genie would magically swap the husband and wife for a day so each could see how hard the other works. I hope they get some counseling so they can appreciate each other''s point of views and let go of any resentment.

That said, I do know people will try to avoid working if they can (not necessarily stay-at-home moms, just people who have enough of a nest egg or sugar daddy or rich parents to just sort of pretend to be looking for work now and then). Without knowing the wife, it''s possible that she is one of those people who really was at the point where she should have gotten a job and used a second child as a way out of it.

I know that quitting my job will be a huge transition for me, as well as will be living off of one paycheck. My husband and I will need to support each other, not resent each other. It''s sad when couples let something that should be the joy and priority of their shared life come between them.

 

[partgypsy]

This is a topic recently brought up in our home. My husband''s brother and wife have 2 beautiful children. She wants to have another one (and possibly more), he''s happy where they are. They have talked about this, but can''t come to an agreement and as he says "she''ll get her way in the end" not happy about the situation but resigned. Basically she feels he makes enough money to have another kid so she''s going to go ahead. It seems like his opinion should count for something (say 50%) but we don''t know a polite way to bring this up with our sister in law, or even if we should.

 

[perry]

There are far to many possibilities involved in the dynamics for me to really comment - except to say that it is unfortunate that their relationship has obvious friction.

We all would like to have a partner that we agree with on all kinds of things: Sex, number of children, how they are raised, and many other issues. Far too few people every achive such harmony - and there are both gals and guys who take advantage of their spouse - to the detriment of the relationship.

Us - "innocent" bystanders; often, can only watch in horror at times as the differences become more public.

Perry

 

[baby monster]

Date: 12/16/2007 11:43:42 AM
Author: part gypsy
This is a topic recently brought up in our home. My husband''s brother and wife have 2 beautiful children. She wants to have another one (and possibly more), he''s happy where they are. They have talked about this, but can''t come to an agreement and as he says ''she''ll get her way in the end'' not happy about the situation but resigned. Basically she feels he makes enough money to have another kid so she''s going to go ahead. It seems like his opinion should count for something (say 50%) but we don''t know a polite way to bring this up with our sister in law, or even if we should.

Hmm, yeah, don''t bring up the fact that your BIL is discussing this with you unless you want your SIL to hate you. You can casually discuss this posting and introduce the idea of husband resenting his wife for getting "her way." Sometimes people don''t fully understand the long-term consequences of their actions.