Take me off the list

[GamerGirl]

Hi All-

Things had been seemingly going so well. We were ring shopping, talking about where we wanted to have our destination wedding, having folks over for parties, going out with some new couples and doing a bunch of really fun stuff. J had been super affectionate and I really was getting so excited to start this new chapter of our lives together.

Then everything came to a screeching halt. J said that he had been trying to get excited about getting married and was just going with the flow thinking that would come as we started planning and everything but that he really just got freaked out. We've been together for what seems like forever and living together for the last 5 or so. We did have a break before we were living together where he had thought things weren't going to work out -- and we were separated for about 6 months. He came back saying that I was "the one" and it took time apart for him to realize it. Fast forward to now when he is saying he thought that when we got back together that things would be different (how he expected things to be different when he never mentioned it to me or initiated a discussion about the things that weren't working for him) but that they just weren't. He said that he has been going with the flow and keeping a happy mask on for a while but that he wasn't really happy.

I asked if we were done or if these were things he felt we could work on. He felt that we could try to work on some stuff and so we had a really amazing discussion. Seriously, the talk that should have been initiated when we originally got back together 6 years ago came out and we got some great insight into where the snags were. I did some serious soul searching and research and got some great books (some of which have been mentioned on these boards) to try and evaluate where this was going and what my role in this mess was. I had some great revelations about myself which I am taking forward regardless of what happens between us. We started having great discussions every couple of days and I felt like we were making some good progress - at least it seemed like it. He was starting to be a bit more affectionate again and was mentioning plans in the future (some concerts or local activities that we could go to in the coming months). We started picking new recipes and cooking one of them each week together and talking over dinner instead of watching tv.

That was last month - Then on thursday J said that he thought I should move to my mom's place (he owns the house) because he loved me but didn't feel like he was "in love" with me anymore. At first he said that we should try to date and see if he could get that "in love" feeling back but when I pressed him on that point I kind of felt like he was maybe throwing that out there to soften the blow and not as an actual desire to keep the relationship going and hopefully rebuild it.

So I've moved my essentials to my mom's house and am trying to wrap my head around this whole situation. I think I am still in shock. It actually felt like we were living a married life without the paperwork - his family treated me as a daughter - and he was my absolute best friend sharing everything. I feel like I am in mourning and yet am still hopeful (however crazy that sounds) that he will change his mind.

i wasn't going to post but after reading some of the other relationship-problem posts lately it seemed like a lot of folks out there are going through sort of similar stuff (or have in the past) and I was hoping that by getting some of this written down it might help me to not obsess over everything constantly.

 

[amc80]

I don't have a lot to say other than "that sucks." I mean I guess it's a good thing he came to this realization now and not 3 years and 2 kids into a marriage. It took guts for him to admit he's not in love with you, and it sounds like you are handling it with maturity and grace.

 

[wwmd8118]

Gamer - I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this. It sounds like it's been quite the emotional rollercoaster going from the high of ring shopping together to the low of moving out of his house in such a short time period. I agree with amc80 that you seem like you're handling this with maturity and grace, which is more than many can say for breakups. So what is the next step? Are you still staying at his house or at your mother's?

Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. Keep us posted.

 

[GamerGirl]

Right now I am staying at my mom's house. I have all my big non-essential items still at his house (technically a duplex and a lot of my stuff is in the upper unit so easy separation) but have taken as much clothing and other essential items that could fit in my car over to my mom's. He has said that I can leave my stuff in the upstairs unit as long as I want -- and when I was packing up on Friday he actually told me I could stay in the upstairs unit if I wanted - but even in my unsteady emotional state I knew that would be a bad idea.

My tentative plan right now is to stay with my mom for a few months and then start looking for apartments. I just can't bear the thought of living by myself right now. My friends are all married or living with their SO so I don't really have any roommate options. Then once I feel less shattered I'll move my stuff out of the upstairs unit to my new apartment.

I'm defintiely trying to approach this with maturity but it is taking every shred of my willpower and selfcontrol and I'm not sure how long it will last. I check my phone every other second to see if I have gotten a text or an email. And I find myself randomly thinking about texting him to see what we want to do this weekend or what we want to make for dinner before I remember that I'm not doing any of those things anymore. After 14 years so much of our lives are completely intertwined that I'm not sure how you even begin to separate all the pieces. Right now I'm thinking a whole lot about all the things that I will be missing out on -- the types of food that we like to go get that none of my other friends (or family) really enjoy, the travel, the activities, the concerts, the scuba diving, his family and his friends that I have gotten close to over the years. I just really feel like a big huge hole has been burned into the middle of my life and that I am adrift in the middle of a huge ocean with no idea where the shore might be. I almost (not quite but almost) wish there had been some big bad issue that I discovered so I could be angry instead of this -- there aren't any "he was a big a-hole" things that I can think of to keep my head clear and moving forward.

Another big issue is that I turn 35 this year - so while half of me is hoping he changes his mind and is clinging on to that hope for dear life another side of me is hearing that clock ticking away and I feel like I'm going to end up a crazy old lady living by myself.

 

[confusedaisy]

Gamer- I am so sorry!! It all seems so out of the blue. Was this what it was like before the 6 month break? Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this! I also agree with the other ladies' comments- you are handling this so well and being very level headed.

 

[ChloeTheGreat]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best and hope the outcome is a good one in the long run. *hugs*

 

[Blackpaw]

Oh gamer im so so sorry big big hugs for you, i know this must be so difficult after so long together...but you will get through it, dont worry about that. Focus on you as much as you can - all those things you did together (travel, restaurants, diving) will all be fantastic to do without him, and you'll meet so many people doing them that you might not have in a couple.

 

[vintagelover229]

Gamer: hugs to you!

However painful this may be it will be good for you both in the long run. If he truly wasn't 100% happy with you (whatever the reasons may be) you deserve a chance to figure out YOU without him there (you've Been together for a very long time).

I can't imagine what your going through or what it's like (I've never Been with anyone that long before) but keep in mind you can travel and eat at places alone and it can be quite the amazing adventure! I say plan something for yourself that you can look forward to that you've been wanting to do for a while but haven't done yet.

If things are meant to bs he will still be waiting on you for you to come back, I wouldn't wait around for him. If you guys want to remain friends/talk and you both can handle it, great. If not eat your favorite tub of Ben and jerrys ice cream and cry over a good chick flick and start to imagine your life as you want it to be. It may be VERY different than you pictured it for the last bit but different doesn't have to mean bad, it can be very good.

Again I'm terribly sorry your going through this. I think it was unfair of him to get back together with you without having these great talks before hand (great you've had them now but why it should have happened before you guys got back together).

Hugs to you and if you need to talk, vent or cry we are here.

 

[blacksand]

I'm so sorry, Gamer! That seems so sudden and unexpected. You're right, if he has been unhappy for this long, he should have talked to you about it a long time ago. If he had expectations that weren't being met, he should have told you. How can you meet his expectations if he doesn't tell you what they are? It sounds like he's either truly terrible at communicating or he's making excuses, and there's really something else going on. I won't try to interpret, of course, but I can say that, at the very least, it was really unfair of him to spring this on you without ever trying to work on the problem(s) first, and all the while leading you on with ring shopping and wedding ideas. I understand he has a right to feel however he feels, and there may be nothing you can do to change his mind, but really, he should have told you how he was feeling years ago. I'm sorry for what you're going through. You will come out stronger and wiser for this. Don't worry about being alone. Try to do things you can only enjoy while you're single! Watch girly movies that he would hate. Go out for drinks with girlfriends (on Tuesday, if you want!). Eat ice cream for dinner. With M&Ms and fudge sauce! No need to plan dinner when you're tired. Eat what you feel like! Listen to music that you like and he hates. Turn it up as loud as you want. Stay up late or go to bed early, whatever you feel like, because it's all about you. Travel, if you can. Try to remember some of the things you liked to do before you lived together, but had to compromise on while living with him, and do all of them! Be selfish for a while; it's fun! I know these are tiny things and are of little consolation when your life changes as dramatically as yours just has, but try to take comfort in celebrating yourself as an individual for a while. Try to enjoy it, as hard as it may be. Talk to girlfriends or family or post here when you're hurting. We'll help however we can.

Edit: apparently vintagelover and I were writing almost the same post at almost the same time. See? It's all true.

 

[janinegirly]

Gamer, I am SO sorry, this is just awful. 14 years is an incredible amount of time - and you are right, you were basically married without the paperwork. Unfortunately, your bf benefited from that set up since he never really had to fully commit - I think he owed you a ring when he came back the first time! But the past is the past, and from what you have written - none of this is yoru fault. Your SO sounds like he might have genuine commitment issues, but the thing is he has had anywhere from 6 -14 years to figure it out. You have given alot of your precious time, clearly you were committed 100%, it is too bad he did not offer you the same respect and make a true committment himself (marriage).

I know it must be confusing and painful time. This will sound preachy but you need to start setting your own terms which he must meet -right now he is setting the terms (move to your mom, let's date until we see how we feel ...um, NO). You will have to get tough even though it'll take every ounce of strength from you and say - this is the last time you can take me for granted, it's OVER and end contact.

This serves a couple purposes, first it tells him loud and clear he is in TRUE risk of losing you 100% (he probably is so used to you being around that he never felt this risk) at which point you'll find out if he really has it in him to come after you or not. And secondly it allows you time to heal and move on .. to avoid a prolonged drawn out process. Again, I'm so sorry this has happened - venting here really does help I think.

 

[rubybeth]

I know it must be confusing and painful time. This will sound preachy but you need to start setting your own terms which he must meet -right now he is setting the terms (move to your mom, let's date until we see how we feel ...um, NO). You will have to get tough even though it'll take every ounce of strength from you and say - this is the last time you can take me for granted, it's OVER and end contact.

What she said. And tons of hugs!

Seriously, I think cutting him out of your life is your best bet at true happiness. Every time you see him or talk to him, it's going to bring back all of the feelings and memories. I actually think seeing a counselor might be a good idea for you, so you'd have someone to vent to who can give you constructive advice on how to heal. Fourteen years is an incredibly long time to be in a relationship, married or not. It sucks that he took so long to come clean with you. If it really is 'meant to be,' your cutting him out of your life will show him what he's missing, but better still: it keeps you emotionally safe from being hurt all over again.

ETA: have someone else go get all your stuff. Don't go back to that house, if at all possible.

 

[GamerGirl]

Yesterday after posting I actually felt a tiny bit positive - like I could get through this crappy time and find happiness again - like a tiny little weight had been lifted.
This morning it came crashing back and I'm feeling really hopeless and alone. I'm going to try to call the counselling service through work and see if I can get something set up - they give us 8 free sessions so I might as well use them! I might also try to go visit a friend tonight- my mom has been great, but it is a little depressing living with your mom at this age and seeing how active and full her life is when yours is feeling pretty empty.

I think the biggest problem is that I don't have a ton of negative stuff to dwell on and think "yay, now I can do whatever I want" -- overall we got along amazingly well - had similiar tastes in food/music/tv/entertainment -- so anything I would think of would be something we shared together. I guess I'll just have to keep telling myself "he isn't in love with you" over and over and hopefully it will click at some point and I will actually believe it.


Thanks for the positive posts all - I'll keep re-reading them in hopes that I can continue to handle this as well as you all think I am

 

[UnluckyTwin]

GamerGirl,

I know exactly what you mean-- I was very serious about my ex and thought we were going to get married-- we'd been together, and lived together, for years. Suddenly, my ex got fearful of commitment and ended the relationship very abruptly. I suddenly felt like my life was a black hole, too-- living alone, all the things I enjoyed and were used to were no more, and the future that I saw for myself with that person had been ripped from my hands unfairly. I was extremely hurt and was still in love with a genuinely good person, so I also couldn't do any of that "what an a-hole" stuff. When I got into my current relationship, I was still hesitant to talk about the future with SO, because I didn't want to dream about something and come to love it and then have it ripped away. Anywho, the point is, I felt it, too, and the pain literally took my breath away at some points. Everyone told me that a year after the breakup, I wouldn't even remember it, I'd be fine. They were a little wrong (it took about 1.5 years), but mostly they were right-- I'm fine. (Incidentally, a few weeks ago, my ex finally texted to apologize-- Imagine that! Everyone grows up sometime.) I know it sounds crazy to hear people say you will be fine, but lord, if I got to be okay, anyone and everyone will, too. Hang in there. Mourn the loss now--I remember distinctly feeling like, because the breakup was so sudden and my ex was not an a-hole, my partner had died suddenly with no warning, it felt THAT terrible. But in time, I promise you won't be mourning it any more.

 

[confusedaisy]

This morning it came crashing back and I'm feeling really hopeless and alone. I'm going to try to call the counselling service through work and see if I can get something set up - they give us 8 free sessions so I might as well use them!

YES! Good idea! When I went through a hard time about 2 years ago I also used the EAP service and found it to be somewhat helpful. My only advice would be to know what you want to get out of speaking to someone. If you just want someone to listen to then by all means go to a therapist or psychologist. If you want someone to help you move on, then I think you should go to a behavioral psychologist. I found that I needed someone to help motivate me to DO something, and not just listen to me. It really got me through a tough few weeks (that and leaning on my family, friends, and SO support.)

Also, we're here for you to listen and to vent. Sending you happy vibes today!!

 

[blacksand]

I think, in the immediate aftermath, you'll tend to view your partner, and the relationship, as something nearly perfect. You had the same tastes, you enjoyed doing everything together, etc. But obviously, there was something missing. Something wasn't right. That doesn't mean he was a bad guy nor does it mean you did something wrong, but clearly, something wasn't right with the relationship. After you grieve and start to move on (which could take anywhere from a few weeks to a few years), I think you'll start to see some of the things that weren't right in the relationship. In the meantime, if you can't think of anything you enjoyed doing before this relationship, then I guess it's time to take up a new hobby or two. Go sailing, learn a new language, whatever sounds fun. After my last big breakup, I quit my job and moved to France for a year to teach English. I needed a radical change to make me feel alive again, so I did it. I had no man to tie me down at home, so why not? And it was one of the most amazing things I've ever done. Honestly, as much as I love my current boyfriend and our life together, there are times I wish I still had that kind of freedom. I'd apply to grad school in California, study Persian in Tajikistan, join the Peace Corps... Anyway, you don't need to be quite that radical, but find something that's distinctly you and throw yourself into it headfirst, just because you can. And yes, take advantage of those free counseling sessions. Just having someone to talk to can be a huge help. You will get through this, and though it's hard to believe right now, you'll be better off for it.

 

[decodelighted]

I predict that you are going to get FURIOUS at him and that it will really help you 1) process the break up 2) move on and 3) clarify what you're looking for in a man NOW when you begin to date again. PLEASE DO contact your EAP! Consulting a therapist at a tough time in my life probably SAVED my life ... but also just made the rest of it soooooooo much better.

Here's why I think you're going to get FURIOUS. He. Led. You. On. And then ... he just pulled the rug out from under you after FAKING IT for awhile. He got you nice & cozy & warm & happy (looking at rings and being so affectionate etc) and then WHAMMO! Would you really want to be with someone who can lie to themselves and others so totally? He's right that he's not ready to be a husband. And you deserve someone who is not conflicted about wanting to be with you. Wanting a life with you. Wanting to commit to you.

BTW -- I know several women who've moved back in with their parents after a *divorce* .... that doesn't make it any better. Nor do *kids*. You have a chance at a fresh start and a full life ahead of you. This is just a temporary situation. You won't be with your Mom and a flock of cats twenty years from now Grey Gardens style. I promise.



ETA: In thinking a bit more ... maybe that relationship just ran its course, yanno? It just did so without the benefit of marriage. I wonder what % of marriages even last 14 years! These days at least. And, unfortunately, you don't have that committment or anything else tying you together to sort of FORCE you to work on it in counseling (not that that always works, or that marriage always makes people do that either). Maybe you can look at it as a learning experience and one that prepared you for your *next* relationship. You'll have new foods you like with the new guy ... new hobbies you share ... new places you'll go together ... etc. BONUS: there's a whole new round of hot 35-45 year old guys coming available everyday ... via DIVORCE.

 

[janinegirly]

I echo some of what blacksand has said. You are going through the grieving process, and right now are in a state of denial - remembering the best of times and all that you had in common. However there had to be recurring issues after 14 years -- I'm assuming you are here (LIW forum) because you wanted to be married, so something must not have been in sync for some time. You will eventualy move onto the anger phase and it will have nothing to do with him being an awful a-hole, but you'll be angry at what he took from your life! Time, the false promise of a committed future, how he let his wishywashiness drag on year after year after year while you waited. You'll eventually see him as more selfish and want to start sticking up for YOURSELF more and for what you deserve as an individual away from him. All these stages serve a purpose, and while painful you will come out ahead.

In the meantime, please try to cut off contact with him. He has put you in an awful spot by sending you home to your mom while he can figure out who or how much he wants to date and maybe keep you on the sidelines.

How wonderful meanwhile that you have your mother to lean on now-don't worry about your age, we all need our moms! And I think it's great that you've looked into counseling too. Stay strong.

 

[amc80]

I think, in the immediate aftermath, you'll tend to view your partner, and the relationship, as something nearly perfect. You had the same tastes, you enjoyed doing everything together, etc. But obviously, there was something missing. Something wasn't right.

This! A while after my ex dumped me (when I was still in the "all I want is to be with you" stage), we were having some conversation and I mentioned something I didn't like about him. Something stupid. He then asked me to list other things I didn't like about him. I was shocked at how easy it was to list a bunch of things. And not petty things, either. Major character flaws that I happily ignored and overlooked because I was in love.

 

[GamerGirl]

GamerGirl,

I know exactly what you mean-- I was very serious about my ex and thought we were going to get married-- we'd been together, and lived together, for years. Suddenly, my ex got fearful of commitment and ended the relationship very abruptly. I suddenly felt like my life was a black hole, too-- living alone, all the things I enjoyed and were used to were no more, and the future that I saw for myself with that person had been ripped from my hands unfairly. I was extremely hurt and was still in love with a genuinely good person, so I also couldn't do any of that "what an a-hole" stuff. When I got into my current relationship, I was still hesitant to talk about the future with SO, because I didn't want to dream about something and come to love it and then have it ripped away. Anywho, the point is, I felt it, too, and the pain literally took my breath away at some points. Everyone told me that a year after the breakup, I wouldn't even remember it, I'd be fine. They were a little wrong (it took about 1.5 years), but mostly they were right-- I'm fine. (Incidentally, a few weeks ago, my ex finally texted to apologize-- Imagine that! Everyone grows up sometime.) I know it sounds crazy to hear people say you will be fine, but lord, if I got to be okay, anyone and everyone will, too. Hang in there. Mourn the loss now--I remember distinctly feeling like, because the breakup was so sudden and my ex was not an a-hole, my partner had died suddenly with no warning, it felt THAT terrible. But in time, I promise you won't be mourning it any more.

This is exactly what I feel like - mourning the death of my partner, his family, some friends and our future. A year seems like so far away from right now and honestly I'm trying to not even think that far ahead right now but hopefully soon I'll be able to start to comprehend how I'm going to get past this. Thanks for sharing it does help to know others have gone through this and come out the other side.

 

[GamerGirl]

This morning it came crashing back and I'm feeling really hopeless and alone. I'm going to try to call the counselling service through work and see if I can get something set up - they give us 8 free sessions so I might as well use them!

YES! Good idea! When I went through a hard time about 2 years ago I also used the EAP service and found it to be somewhat helpful. My only advice would be to know what you want to get out of speaking to someone. If you just want someone to listen to then by all means go to a therapist or psychologist. If you want someone to help you move on, then I think you should go to a behavioral psychologist. I found that I needed someone to help motivate me to DO something, and not just listen to me. It really got me through a tough few weeks (that and leaning on my family, friends, and SO support.)

Also, we're here for you to listen and to vent. Sending you happy vibes today!!

Thanks - I have never heard of a behavioral psychologist, I'll have to ask about it. I think for now I need someone to listen and help me work through some stuff. Maybe after I start with that I'll be able to switch or add the behavioral piece to the mix.

 

[afreebird]

BONUS: there's a whole new round of hot 35-45 year old guys coming available everyday ... via DIVORCE.

Oh, THIS! Big hugs to you, Gamergirl!

It WILL get better, but it's completely normal to have times when you feel a little bit worse. Just part of the process AND the progress.

Keep yourself distracted! By any means! My serious advice, although it might sounds cuckoo given the recency of your breakup, is to join a dating website. I got on match.com several months after a breakup, and I wished I had done it much sooner. It was the perfect distraction for me, and a really fun chapter in my life! It was like man-shopping; I met guys of all kinds, and most are very successful at what they do and don't have the time or lost the desire to meet in bars, clubs, etc. Interesting guys, hot guys, nice guys, the crazy ones who keep life interesting, etc., etc. I was only on there for about a month when I met the man who is now my husband. Definitely wasn't looking for one, but there he was. He tells me now that he really had to work hard to reel me in - I was having so much fun, I wasn't ready to face the fact that I had found Mr. Right. I was going on dates literally every night, just enjoying the sheer insanity of it and meeting all kinds of characters, and NEVER gave my ex another thought.

Just something to think about. I really think what's most important now is that you keep yourself as busy as possible so you don't dwell and brood over the ex. You have a lot of fun times just around the corner!

 

[zipzapgirl]

I don't want to be the downer here, but is there *any chance* that he met someone else? I'm just saying this because a similar situation happened with a friend of mine. Things seemed contented, but there were underlying problems that had been swept under the rug. Then one day he pulled the plug and was so convinced that it was the right thing to end the relationship. They tried to work through it, but he said that there was something missing and they ended it as amicably as possible. She spent months being blindsided, but we found out later that he had met a new coworker and spent a lot of time getting to know the coworker on business trips, long talks, etc. Then it all started to make sense how he was disengaging and was in love with someone else.

Maybe this has nothing to do with your situation, but keep your eyes open over the next few months. Regardless, hang in there - things will get better.

 

[tyty333]

Big hugs gamer...FYI, I was 38 when I married my husband (ok second one). We then proceeded to have 2 kids .
Give yourself a little time then start doing the things you like to do...best way to meet someone new is to keep yourself
busy.

 

[GamerGirl]

I echo some of what blacksand has said. You are going through the grieving process, and right now are in a state of denial - remembering the best of times and all that you had in common. However there had to be recurring issues after 14 years -- I'm assuming you are here (LIW forum) because you wanted to be married, so something must not have been in sync for some time. You will eventualy move onto the anger phase and it will have nothing to do with him being an awful a-hole, but you'll be angry at what he took from your life! Time, the false promise of a committed future, how he let his wishywashiness drag on year after year after year while you waited. You'll eventually see him as more selfish and want to start sticking up for YOURSELF more and for what you deserve as an individual away from him. All these stages serve a purpose, and while painful you will come out ahead.

In the meantime, please try to cut off contact with him. He has put you in an awful spot by sending you home to your mom while he can figure out who or how much he wants to date and maybe keep you on the sidelines.

How wonderful meanwhile that you have your mother to lean on now-don't worry about your age, we all need our moms! And I think it's great that you've looked into counseling too. Stay strong.

There were definitely things that weren't perfect in the relationship -- I mean nothing is perfect right? But I always felt they were small things that we were working on together and not necessarily deal breakers.

I just came on the LIW forum once we had the chat and decided we would go ring shopping. After the previous break we discussed that we would get married at some point but I only really felt a strong desire to get married recently as I've been contemplating kids (I would not want to start down that road without being married). So it isn't that this dragged on for years with me waiting and waiting -- as soon as I made it clear that is what I wanted we started ring shopping. I'm wondering now if I suddenly started feeling the strong desire to get married because I subconsciously felt him holding back?

I have definitely cut off contact with him. Since Friday (when I grabbed all my stuff) I have texted him twice only when I was coming to pick up some more stuff and no other comments.

I'm thinking that the dating suggestion is not real or expected at this point - it was actually something that I had suggested at the very beginning of this situation- when he first said he was freaking out. I said that maybe we should take a breather, I'll stay at my mom's house for a little bit and then we can start with some dates and go from there. At that point he was supposed to be going to see a family/marriage counselor and I thought it would be good to have some space for us both the see things clearly and work on stuff. He ended up being wishy washy on this point and told me to stay while he thought about it - he never ended up getting past the first "meet and greet" session with the counselor (the lady was a no-show for the second meeting, she claimed her phone was stolen and then she had to go out of town so couldn't contact him). So I'm not sure if he threw this out there because we had mentioned it before and he thought that was what I wanted or if he actually wanted to try it out and see or if he thought it would be an easy way to shift into not being together? I have no idea because in our last conversation I was pretty devastated and not really thinking clearly to hammer out all the fine points and I haven't really wanted to text/call/email to ask for clarification.

 

[GamerGirl]

Thanks Deco - you always have a way to cut right through with your advice. Plus you made me chuckle at least a little bit with your edit.

I think I am having a hard time believing that he is actually not in love with me. I do keep repeating it to myself to try and make it real. I think especially because we had the break previously in my head I just keep thinking this is the same thing and he will come back in a few months. Which makes it VERY hard to get past my current emotional state and part of the reason I'm thinking the counselling will be a great idea. It will suck very much but maybe if a third party tells me to my face "He doesn't love you anymore" it will process?

Maybe it was just that it ran its course and maybe if we had been married we would still be trying to work it out - not sure if that is better or worse at this point. Things to think on for sure

 

[GamerGirl]

BONUS: there's a whole new round of hot 35-45 year old guys coming available everyday ... via DIVORCE.

Oh, THIS! Big hugs to you, Gamergirl!

It WILL get better, but it's completely normal to have times when you feel a little bit worse. Just part of the process AND the progress.

Keep yourself distracted! By any means! My serious advice, although it might sounds cuckoo given the recency of your breakup, is to join a dating website. I got on match.com several months after a breakup, and I wished I had done it much sooner. It was the perfect distraction for me, and a really fun chapter in my life! It was like man-shopping; I met guys of all kinds, and most are very successful at what they do and don't have the time or lost the desire to meet in bars, clubs, etc. Interesting guys, hot guys, nice guys, the crazy ones who keep life interesting, etc., etc. I was only on there for about a month when I met the man who is now my husband. Definitely wasn't looking for one, but there he was. He tells me now that he really had to work hard to reel me in - I was having so much fun, I wasn't ready to face the fact that I had found Mr. Right. I was going on dates literally every night, just enjoying the sheer insanity of it and meeting all kinds of characters, and NEVER gave my ex another thought.

Just something to think about. I really think what's most important now is that you keep yourself as busy as possible so you don't dwell and brood over the ex. You have a lot of fun times just around the corner!

Thanks afreebird -- my mom had tried match.com or eharmony a few years ago as well - she didn't have much luck (she's in her 60s so there weren't as many folks on in that age bracket at the time). I'll definitely keep this in mind when I get to a place where I would feel comfortable posting on a dating site-- especially seeing as I don't really have a pool of single guys or friends who know a lot of single guys for when the time is right. I'm also not one to try and pick someone up in a club.

 

[mousey]

First, I am really sorry you are going through this. Counseling is a great idea. I have just gone through a round of it, and could not recommend it highly enough.
Second- Grrrrr this man makes me really mad!!!!! I am not quite sure why I am mad, but I am furious for you. Why has it taken him 14 years to work out whether he wants to marry you or not? So for the last 5 years he has been sitting on the idea that this relationship will end. Why did he not 'man up' and end it, or let you know so you could work it out together?
Honestly, I think this is going to be the best thing that could have happened. You say that you have trouble thinking of yourself as free (as there did not seem much wrong with the relationship). You are free!!!! You are now free to find a man who wants a life with you, who has the courage to work towards that. This man will also respect and love you enough to know that if he is unsure it is more loving to walk away and allow you to find a man that wants a life with you than to keep you on hold. Seriously. Please do not get back together with this guy- what is to prevent him spending another 5 yrs wasting your time, and then walk away?

 

[amc80]

Thanks afreebird -- my mom had tried match.com or eharmony a few years ago as well - she didn't have much luck (she's in her 60s so there weren't as many folks on in that age bracket at the time). I'll definitely keep this in mind when I get to a place where I would feel comfortable posting on a dating site-- especially seeing as I don't really have a pool of single guys or friends who know a lot of single guys for when the time is right. I'm also not one to try and pick someone up in a club.

I met my BF on match. And yes, we are both normal, non-serial killers.

 

[GamerGirl]

Big hugs gamer...FYI, I was 38 when I married my husband (ok second one). We then proceeded to have 2 kids .
Give yourself a little time then start doing the things you like to do...best way to meet someone new is to keep yourself
busy.

This is super comforting (at least as comforted as I can be at this point!). The vast majority of my local and facebook "friends" are all married and most with kids or kids on the way -- not to mention all my friends/co workers who are younger than me by a good chunk are married/engaged/ring shopping/having kids or getting ready to have kids. Not that any of that means they are in happy relationships but it definitely skews the perspective a little bit.

I'm turning 35 in a little over a month so I guess I have at least a little breathing room to get where I want to be (and to figure out where exactly that is)

 

[confusedaisy]

So for the last 5 years he has been sitting on the idea that this relationship will end. Why did he not 'man up' and end it, or let you know so you could work it out together?

This pisses me off more than I can explain. It's so selfish!!!
Also, I agree that you need someone who doesn't know you or your situation to hear your side of things and sympathize with you, but I don't think they will ever say he didn't love you, even though that's what you want to hear. They'll probably agree that he was selfish and that you should move forward but I think we all can agree on that. The counselor should really just be for you to say it all aloud- all the things you're too afraid to say to yourself right now. And then you leave it with the counselor, in that room, and you walk away from it.
I'm so angry for you. The only advice I can give you, and everyone's saying it, just focus on yourself and keep moving forward.