The Engagement/Marriage Psychology Thread

[Delster]

Date: 1/10/2008 2:25:28 PM
Author: anchor31

What I meant by wanting to protect my spouse and children wasn''t about not being to support my children myself. As I mentionned in my previous post, I have been experiencing no social pressure to get married whatsoever, I live in a culture that does not believe in marriage for the most part. A de facto spouse legally cannot be a power of attorney and is not considered a next of kin. That could create huge problems for my spouse in the case that I should become incapacitated or die, as he would have no rights whatsoever to make decisions for me or to my property.

This is important to me too Anchor. I don''t think people realise how few legal protections you have without that marriage certificate. And we don''t even have the option of civil partnership over here, or appointing someone power of attorney. Nonetheless many people believe that if you are with someone a prescribed length of time (for some reason lots of people believe it''s seven years) then you are ''common law spouses'' (de facto spouses). You even hear it on the news. But there is no such thing! Without a marriage certificate, your partner cannot inherit your property as a spouse (different tax rates); administer your estate; make medical decisions on your behalf etc etc...

In relation to children it gets even worse - here, an unmarried father has NO RIGHTS in relation to his children unless he goes to the courts and completes an application for guardianship status. Alternatively, if the parents marry then the father is granted guardianship as of the marriage. It''s outrageous that married fathers are given this right on the birth of the child and unmarried fathers have to ask for it.

Over here, marriage is a HUGE protective mechanism for families.

I also agree with sandia_rose that a marriage certificate is no magic cloak that protects you against abuse or poverty or that means you are guaranteed a life of safety and security. Marriage to the wrong person is NEVER a good idea. And I applaud you and all the other ladies on this board who remind us of that constantly and show us by example how much better life is for living that truth.

 

[ChinaCat]

Equ Said:
Ladies: You have YOUR ENTIRE LIFE ahead of you to live and learn and love - don't rush the engagement process because it all goes by so fast once you get started in making a life together. DO NOT settle for anyone that doesn't give you the utmost in respect, truthfulness, and common courtesy. If you are not getting 110% of any of these things, you may not ever get them later because marriage doesn't automatically change character

Equ-

You said it perfectly. This is so simple, and so true. You cannot maintain a successful marriage without truth, respect and courtesy. I don't care how "in love" you are.

Plus, the reality is that most people "relax" to some degree after marriage, and if he's not putting forth the effort now, please do not think it is going to get better after marriage!!!!

Also- I think the 7 year myth comes from the States. It differs according to each state, but some states do have "common law" recognition of couples that have been together for a certain number of years. Each state is different (some is 10 years, some 7 years, etc.) but that is where the idea comes from. What people don't realize is that you do not automatically attain this legal status by staying together for x years. First, you have to petition a court to declare you as such. Second, there are many rules to it- for instance, you have to hold out to others that you consider yourself married, etc. And you have to prove all of this in court.

Great thread! Interesting perspectives.

ETA: How do you quote just one part of someone's post?

 

[Pandora II]

I have had 4 serious relationships before FI and 3 proposals that I turned down - and finished the relationship each time. When I look back at the first of these (17-25) I was madly in love with the guy, who was seriously bad for me in everyway, and I was desperate to get married, have a house etc etc.

We got a house together and 3 months down the line I was so bored of cooking, ironing etc and because we were young and on low salaries it was difficult to get by. By the time he proposed I couldn't wait get away from the whole situation and responsibility overload, and so I promptly left him and moved abroad. I still thought I'd never meet anyone I loved more than I loved him though.

At the time I thought I was super mature - and most people would have said that I was. But when I look at my life now and how it was then, I realise just how young I really was.

I also know how much fun I had spending years travelling, living in different counties and dating a wide variety of different people. I do feel sad for a number of the LIW where I can't understand the rush they seem to be in.

If you consider that you can easily live till 80 these days, why would you want to pick your life partner so early on, when you have so little experience of life, especially life without your parents or a college structure to lean on. I truly believe that you change beyond recognition between the ages of 20 and 30 - especially men, who take longer to grow up on the whole. Yes you can do this with a partner - but you may find that you don't like the person they grow into and vice-versa.

I first joined the LIW forum in August 06 when I had been dating FI for nearly 2 years. We had been living together for a year and a half, he had sold me half his house (he didn't need to - just wanted to) and we both knew it was a permanent relationship. I was 34 and he was 31.

However, he said he didn't believe in marriage (parents messy divorce being the major culprit here). I had spent a lot of time thinking things over and so many times I nearly said - well, fair enough we'll just have a long-term relationship. Inside I knew that I wouldn't really be happy settling for that.

I've always struggled a bit with putting my needs first, so it took a lot of courage to tell him very clearly that this was not negotiable. He didn't get why I would want to leave someone I wanted to spend my life with over a piece of paper. The LIW forum kept me sane and helped me stay strong. I felt so good realising that I had set out my desires and held strong rather than saying nothing because I didn't want him to be unhappy!

6 months later he proposed because he knew he wanted me in his life forever and I was worth conquering his fears for.

When he questioned why it mattered to me, I had to think about it really seriously, because it does seem a bit silly in the 21st century to be hung up about a piece of paper.

It basically came down to 4 things:

1) I wanted our relationship to be officially recognised by the outside world and by the law. I wanted to know that if one of us died the other would be protected as far as the house etc was concerned. I wanted to be his next-of-kin and him to be mine in case of accidents or in case treatment decisions had to be taken - ie turning off life support etc.

2) I firmly believe that children are better off raised in a stable 'two parent family' (whether the parents are gay, straight, whatever - I am very pro-gay adoption - the important thing is love and stability.) I want us to be jointly recognised as the legal parents of our children and have equal rights - for that you need to be married in the UK.

3) I wanted to be in a relationship where we had considered carefully what we were going into and would have to do the same if either of us ever wanted to leave. I am not someone who sees divorce as an option for myself (except for physical violence), but I still wanted a level of legal protection for myself and our future children.

4) I was sick to death of the 'he's just not that into you' looks I got for not being married at 'my age' and having to defend my relationship to people. I couldn't really care less what people thought, it was just endlessly boring and I wanted to get out of it! I was also sick and tired of being chatted up by men who I caught having a quick look at my left hand. The minute the e-ring was on my hand it all stopped!

I must admit that FI witnessed the 'left hand glance' a couple of times and it shocked him enough to get him thinking he needed to 'mark me as his property' apparently! I was unamused by his choice of words...

Oh, and I wanted the ring!

I'm really looking forward to being married - our life won't really change, but our feeling of being each other's best friend will be strengthened by know we are protecting our bond legally and committing our whole lives to each other. The wedding is a bit of a PITA - I'm enjoying planning it because I enjoy doing events, but I'd rather have run off with FI and done it all on the QT.

This is probably a series of wild ramblings that have no relation to the topic at all, but hey ho. Feel free to skip on by!

ETA I hadn't realised it was THIS long - you deserve a medal if you actually read it!

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Date: 1/11/2008 1:07:47 AM
Author: Pandora II


I have had 4 serious relationships before FI and 3 proposals that I turned down - and finished the relationship each time. When I look back at the first of these (17-25) I was madly in love with the guy, who was seriously bad for me in everyway, and I was desperate to get married, have a house etc etc.

We got a house together and 3 months down the line I was so bored of cooking, ironing etc and because we were young and on low salaries it was difficult to get by. By the time he proposed I couldn''t wait get away from the whole situation and responsibility overload, and so I promptly left him and moved abroad. I still thought I''d never meet anyone I loved more than I loved him though.

At the time I thought I was super mature - and most people would have said that I was. But when I look at my life now and how it was then, I realise just how young I really was.

I also know how much fun I had spending years travelling, living in different counties and dating a wide variety of different people. I do feel sad for a number of the LIW where I can''t understand the rush they seem to be in.

If you consider that you can easily live till 80 these days, why would you want to pick your life partner so early on, when you have so little experience of life, especially life without your parents or a college structure to lean on. I truly believe that you change beyond recognition between the ages of 20 and 30 - especially men, who take longer to grow up on the whole. Yes you can do this with a partner - but you may find that you don''t like the person they grow into and vice-versa.

I first joined the LIW forum in August 06 when I had been dating FI for nearly 2 years. We had been living together for a year and a half, he had sold me half his house (he didn''t need to - just wanted to) and we both knew it was a permanent relationship. I was 34 and he was 31.

However, he said he didn''t believe in marriage (parents messy divorce being the major culprit here). I had spent a lot of time thinking things over and so many times I nearly said - well, fair enough we''ll just have a long-term relationship. Inside I knew that I wouldn''t really be happy settling for that.

I''ve always struggled a bit with putting my needs first, so it took a lot of courage to tell him very clearly that this was not negotiable. He didn''t get why I would want to leave someone I wanted to spend my life with over a piece of paper. The LIW forum kept me sane and helped me stay strong. I felt so good realising that I had set out my desires and held strong rather than saying nothing because I didn''t want him to be unhappy!

6 months later he proposed because he knew he wanted me in his life forever and I was worth conquering his fears for.

When he questioned why it mattered to me, I had to think about it really seriously, because it does seem a bit silly in the 21st century to be hung up about a piece of paper.

It basically came down to 4 things:

1) I wanted our relationship to be officially recognised by the outside world and by the law. I wanted to know that if one of us died the other would be protected as far as the house etc was concerned. I wanted to be his next-of-kin and him to be mine in case of accidents or in case treatment decisions had to be taken - ie turning off life support etc.

2) I firmly believe that children are better off raised in a stable ''two parent family'' (whether the parents are gay, straight, whatever - I am very pro-gay adoption - the important thing is love and stability.) I want us to be jointly recognised as the legal parents of our children and have equal rights - for that you need to be married in the UK.

3) I wanted to be in a relationship where we had considered carefully what we were going into and would have to do the same if either of us ever wanted to leave. I am not someone who sees divorce as an option for myself (except for physical violence), but I still wanted a level of legal protection for myself and our future children.

4) I was sick to death of the ''he''s just not that into you'' looks I got for not being married at ''my age'' and having to defend my relationship to people. I couldn''t really care less what people thought, it was just endlessly boring and I wanted to get out of it! I was also sick and tired of being chatted up by men who I caught having a quick look at my left hand. The minute the e-ring was on my hand it all stopped!

I must admit that FI witnessed the ''left hand glance'' a couple of times and it shocked him enough to get him thinking he needed to ''mark me as his property'' apparently! I was unamused by his choice of words...

Oh, and I wanted the ring!

I''m really looking forward to being married - our life won''t really change, but our feeling of being each other''s best friend will be strengthened by know we are protecting our bond legally and committing our whole lives to each other. The wedding is a bit of a PITA - I''m enjoying planning it because I enjoy doing events, but I''d rather have run off with FI and done it all on the QT.

This is probably a series of wild ramblings that have no relation to the topic at all, but hey ho. Feel free to skip on by!

ETA I hadn''t realised it was THIS long - you deserve a medal if you actually read it!

This sentence grabbed my attention "Yes you can do this with a partner - but you may find that you don''t like the person they grow into and vice-versa."

With this being said - who is to say that you''re going to like the person they grow into if you don''t marry early, and wait? There is no guarantee on how anyone will end up in ten, twenty, even thirty years. But, the beauty of a relationship is that you grow - together.

And, if you don''t work at the relationship and growing together, whether it be marriage or not, it''s going to fail. Marrying later does not guarantee less of a risk of "failure" - it all depends on the two parties involved. I will agree that both people should be mature enough to enter the union and self-aware to know who they are before they commit themselves to someone else. Different people go about this different ways - some people don''t need to discover the world by themselves to know who they are and what they want, some want to share this with their partner.

 

[janinegirly]

just wanted to say i loved pandora''s post and couldn''t agree more..

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 1/11/2008 1:07:47 AM
Author: Pandora II

We got a house together and 3 months down the line I was so bored of cooking, ironing etc and because we were young and on low salaries it was difficult to get by. By the time he proposed I couldn''t wait get away from the whole situation and responsibility overload, and so I promptly left him and moved abroad. I still thought I''d never meet anyone I loved more than I loved him though.


At the time I thought I was super mature - and most people would have said that I was. But when I look at my life now and how it was then, I realise just how young I really was.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You say this and then later say one of your reasons for wanting to get married is the ring

I really don''t think you can compare your relationship in your 20''s to others of us who have relationships whom are young. I do agree that we should at least have some sort of steady job but the rest of it just baloney. I know plenty of people who married early and are very happy and I wish this topic would quit coming up because it does offend those of us who are in our 20''s and excited to be getting engaged soon. It would be like if all of a sudden 40 was the "magic age" to get married at and everyone started making posts about how getting married in your 30''s was lame. Sorry I had to get that off my chest.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Smurfy, I agree with you. Everyone has their own opinion on this subject, and I think that''s the reason for starting this thread - to see what others are thinking. I don''t, however, agree with the general consensus that getting married in your twenties is, for lack of a better word, stupid. It all depends on the situation for each individual. I don''t think that others who have possibly experienced more life or traveled more have any advantage in knowing their marriage will work because they''ve done those things.

It all comes down to the point that whatever our ages may be, we''re excited about starting our lives with another person. If we don''t want to wait - we shouldn''t have to - and no one should be judged for making that decision earlier than another person. There''s no rule about the amount of time you should date before marrying someone, or if you should live together or not. To each his own.

 

[mirre]

sweetjettagirl,

I think what Pandora was saying when she said

"Yes you can do this with a partner - but you may find that you don''t like the person they grow into and vice-versa."
Was that while you are young you are still in a personal growing stage and that if you are still growing when you get married and your spouse grows into someone you do not like it is harder (with marriage being legally binding and if there happen to be children involved, etc.) to get out of the relationship than say if you were to hold off on marriage until you have both become who you will become and then find out you don''t like who the other has become. They''re aren''t as many difficulties to exit the relationship.

Pandora I''m sorry if I read that wrong and put words into your mouth. Feel free to correct me if that is the case.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

I see both sides of it, and I''m not trying to argue anyone on their opinions. The point I was trying to make - and I apologize if it became skewed in any way - is that there''s no way to guarantee who the other person grows in to, and vice versa. I believe that you have to make an effort to grow together, if you''re that committed to each other that you do get married. It could happen after you''ve been married to that person for a very long time. I think that''s part of being in a relationship - taking that risk to open your life to another person and trusting in them.

 

[decodelighted]

PANDORA wrote:
At the time I thought I was super mature - and most people would have said that I was. But when I look at my life now and how it was then, I realise just how young I really was.

SMURFY SMILES wrote:
You say this and then later say one of your reasons for wanting to get married is the ring

... I wish this topic would quit coming up because it does offend those of us who are in our 20's and excited to be getting engaged soon.

-----------------------------------------------------------
If you were familiar with Pandora's posts I'm sure you'd realize she was JOKING about getting engaged for the "bling" (mostly

)

I never understand why people *choose* to be offended by the opinions of others. I've found than when something strikes a nerve for me it's because it mirrors something I feel *myself* but don't want to admit. Just a thought.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Date: 1/11/2008 2:09:19 PM
Author: decodelighted

PANDORA wrote:
At the time I thought I was super mature - and most people would have said that I was. But when I look at my life now and how it was then, I realise just how young I really was.

SMURFY SMILES wrote:
You say this and then later say one of your reasons for wanting to get married is the ring

... I wish this topic would quit coming up because it does offend those of us who are in our 20''s and excited to be getting engaged soon.

-----------------------------------------------------------
If you were familiar with Pandora''s posts I''m sure you''d realize she was JOKING about getting engaged for the ''bling'' (mostly

)

I never understand why people *choose* to be offended by the opinions of others. I''ve found than when something strikes a nerve for me it''s because it mirrors something I feel *myself* but don''t want to admit. Just a thought.

Deco, I agree, and I''ve posted in the past because it was mentioned in another thread that others tend to be defensive of those in similar situations.

 

[firebirdgold]

yum, lemon pie.

just kidding!


right. more of my opinions on the psychology of and motivation for getting married

There was this real, and very thrilling sense of being a new family. As soon as we said our vows, my primary allegiance was to my husband, he was now my closest immediate family and relation. Not only did we both feel this way, it is official and recognized by societies and our families. (both our nuclear families have always been very tightly knit, too tight in my case!)

It was also a joining of families. I am now a member of his family and he is a member of my family, and our families are now connected and related. I seriously lucked out with inlaws so I''m enjoying the fact that they are my family and I treat them as such.

Now matter how committed a long term relationship is, your SO is not your family. The legal aspects of marriage are reflected in the social and emotional changes.

Other motivations:
When I was a liw, several women including me said one of our main aggravations was not having a proper name for the relationship or our SO. ''Boyfriend'' no longer expressed how we felt or what the relationship was. It became a jarring term. SO used verbally sounds... well, it just doesn''t work when used to describe an individual relationship, it works better as a generic term. And I''m afraid ''Partner'' now has a rather specific meaning and I felt a bit odd saying ''my partner'' when I knew the other person would assume I meant a woman. (maybe that''s local?)
Then there''s social issues. When you''re not a married couple you are not automatically a ''unit''. A husband and wife are always implicitly jointly invited to social functions including family events. A ''girlfriend'' isn''t, even one of long standing.





This is a very personal opinion:
People always say that you can''t go into a marriage expecting the other person to change their ways. However we went into our marriage with the understanding that neither of us were perfect and that we would work together to find compromises and to improve ourselves. We do know that trying to change doesn''t mean you will change but it''s not like any of them are deal breakers. There''s always solutions because we love each other. For instance, instead of nagging the other person not to forget when it''s their turn, I clean the kitty litter everyday and he pays the bills when they come in. You don''t really need to be ''compatible'' in things like bills or chores or even money handling styles if you''re willing to compromise and be creative with solutions.
Hopefully our theory will prove to be true for us!

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 1/11/2008 11:51:23 AM
Author: Smurfysmiles

Date: 1/11/2008 1:07:47 AM
Author: Pandora II





We got a house together and 3 months down the line I was so bored of cooking, ironing etc and because we were young and on low salaries it was difficult to get by. By the time he proposed I couldn't wait get away from the whole situation and responsibility overload, and so I promptly left him and moved abroad. I still thought I'd never meet anyone I loved more than I loved him though.


At the time I thought I was super mature - and most people would have said that I was. But when I look at my life now and how it was then, I realise just how young I really was.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You say this and then later say one of your reasons for wanting to get married is the ring

I really don't think you can compare your relationship in your 20's to others of us who have relationships whom are young. I do agree that we should at least have some sort of steady job but the rest of it just baloney. I know plenty of people who married early and are very happy and I wish this topic would quit coming up because it does offend those of us who are in our 20's and excited to be getting engaged soon. It would be like if all of a sudden 40 was the 'magic age' to get married at and everyone started making posts about how getting married in your 30's was lame. Sorry I had to get that off my chest.

I would have thought that it was obvious that the bit about the ring was tongue-in-cheek - it was the only emoticon I used in the entire post.

At no time did I compare my relationship to anyone else's - I was merely describing my experiences.

On a public forum you may well get opinions that you don't like or agree with. If you are offended, that is your problem and I would ask why you are so sensitive about it? You may see my comments as baloney - that's cool, but I stand by every word I said.

Being in your 30's is very different from being in your twenties. I can say that having passed through those years and knowing how I felt and was then and now - and the similar changes and growth of many, many others amongst my friends and peer group. To say nothing of the amount of serious research work carried out on the subject.

Once you reach your 30's, you tend to find people have become the 'person' that they will be, and subsequent changes are much more subtle. The gap between 20 and 30 is much wider in terms of growth and development than the ga between 30 and 40.

I never said getting married young was lame - just that it is more of a risk - statistically divorce rates are higher amongst those who married young (see bottom of my post)

In my social circle, and being based in the UK where people get married much later on average in the US, marriage before 30 is unusual and before 25 pretty much unheard of, which certainly colours my opinion.


Personally I really don't understand why anyone would want to make such a huge lifelong commitment at such a young age, and I feel very sad when it seems that girls are feeling so pressured to get married early by family, friends or because their peer group is getting engaged or married, and they feel left out or rejected in someway.

But you are right that it can work and does for many people - and if that is right for you then I wish you all the best and much happiness!


-------------------------------------


Data from divorcepeers.com:
Age at marriage for those who divorce in the United States

--------------------------------------------------
Age Women Men
--------------------------------------------------
Under 20 years old 27.6% 11.7%
20 to 24 years old 36.6% 38.8%
25 to 29 years old 16.4% 22.3%
30 to 34 years old 8.5% 11.6%
35 to 39 years old 5.1% 6.5%

--------------------------------------------------

http://www.divorcepeers.com/statistics.htm

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 1/11/2008 3:21:33 PM
Author: IndieJones

right. more of my opinions on the psychology of and motivation for getting married

There was this real, and very thrilling sense of being a new family. As soon as we said our vows, my primary allegiance was to my husband, he was now my closest immediate family and relation. Not only did we both feel this way, it is official and recognized by societies and our families. (both our nuclear families have always been very tightly knit, too tight in my case!)

It was also a joining of families. I am now a member of his family and he is a member of my family, and our families are now connected and related. I seriously lucked out with inlaws so I''m enjoying the fact that they are my family and I treat them as such.

Now matter how committed a long term relationship is, your SO is not your family. The legal aspects of marriage are reflected in the social and emotional changes.

Other motivations:

When I was a liw, several women including me said one of our main aggravations was not having a proper name for the relationship or our SO. ''Boyfriend'' no longer expressed how we felt or what the relationship was. It became a jarring term. SO used verbally sounds... well, it just doesn''t work when used to describe an individual relationship, it works better as a generic term. And I''m afraid ''Partner'' now has a rather specific meaning and I felt a bit odd saying ''my partner'' when I knew the other person would assume I meant a woman. (maybe that''s local?)

Then there''s social issues. When you''re not a married couple you are not automatically a ''unit''. A husband and wife are always implicitly jointly invited to social functions including family events. A ''girlfriend'' isn''t, even one of long standing.

What you said here Indie is HUGE for me. Being that my bf has a serious medical condition, and while it wouldn''t typically really manifest itself at any given time, me not being his next of kin, yet being the closest person in his life, in a word: SUCKS. His sister is his next of kin and she''s not exactly the most selfless person, and would probably consult me, but in the end she would do what she wanted to do.

Along the lines of being called a girlfriend instead of fiancee or wife or ol'' ball and chain, it makes me feel as though my relationship is no more serious than that of a thirteen year old''s status of "girlfriend". I''m almost twice as old as a thirteen year old and my relationship is probably 24 times as long. Not to mention that the intention for marriage is there as well. How do both qualify for the term "girlfriend/boyfriend"?

As for the partner thing, I don''t know where you''re at Indie, but here in NM that''s how I''ve heard it referred to as well. In fact when my BF told me that he was inviting his adviser and her partner over for dinner, I automatically assumed that it was a lesbian couple, but he said that no, her partner was in fact male, goes by the name of Jim and they''ve been together for about 13 years.

I think significant other sounds like you''re trying too hard to avoid the boyfriend/girlfriend terminology. Of that you''ve decided that you will never get married. That''s what its like to me at least.

After rereading this, I''ve decided that I will call him my "intended". Or perhaps "prospective spouse" but that one would be just for fun and to see the look on his face.

From Thesaurus.com
Main Entry: boyfriend
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: acquaintance
Synonyms: admirer, baby, beau, companion, crush, daddy, date, escort, fiancé, flame*, follower, gentleman caller, gentleman friend, heartthrob, inamorato, lover, main man, man, old man, paramour, squeeze, steady, suitor, swain, sweetheart, truelove, wooer, young man

Main Entry: fiancée
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: marrier
Synonyms: affianced, betrothed, engaged person, fiancé, future, husband-to-be, intended, old lady, old man, prospective spouse, steady, wife-to-be

Main Entry: engaged
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: promised
Synonyms: affianced, asked for, betrothed, bird, bound, committed, contracted, future, going steady*, hooked*, intended, matched, pinned, pledged, plighted, ringed, spoken for, steady

Main Entry: intended
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: planned
Synonyms: advised, affianced, aforethought, asked for, betrothed, calculated, contemplated, contracted, designed, destined, engaged, expected, future, intentional, meant, pinned, planned, plighted, prearranged, predestined, predetermined, promised, proposed, set, setup, steady

Because, dammit, I''m spoken for.

 

[surfgirl]

Freke, if you are indeed facing serious illness with your SO, I would recommend that you both sit down and discuss him making a legal document that would name you as his executor of his estate and giving you the task of making any medical decisions should he become incapacitated. I know that Mr. Surfgirl did that at one point...we had been talking about and dealing with our issues over getting married but he was about to board a plane and meet me across the globe and he realized that if anything happened to him, since we weren''t married, I would lose our house and have no say in his medical care or how he wished to be buried, etc. So he consulted an attorney who drew up a living will. In that, you can name a specific person(s) to be basically inherit your estate (it also avoids having to pay estate taxes, IIRC), and you can include medical power of authority, or whatever they call it. So you CAN make those provisions if you aren''t married. Of course your SO has to agree to them and want to draft such a document, but I just wanted you to know that you can make provisions that will indeed give you the same rights as a spouse. It just is a PITA and you have to cover all the bases. A family lawyer or an estate planner can assist you. Dont do it with DIY software, you want to be sure your document is legally binding!

 

[FrekeChild]

Great idea Surfgirl! He had a defective heart valve that he had replacement surgery for July 2006, but he''ll have to continue having them every 10-15 years unless someone comes up with something more long term. He also has a family history of cancer, heart disease and diabetes. Maybe I''ll bring it up to him after our two year anniversary. It helps that my dad is a family lawyer too, so maybe I''ll talk to him about it as well. It''s going to be a hard issue to bring up, but unfortunately a necessary one. I guess it''s never to early to think about these things...

Thanks for the suggestion.