The Ring or the Sentiment?

[bowral1]

I have been reading a lot of the blogs on this website lately (because my boyfriend and I have been ring shopping). A recent blog really got me thinking . . . . a guy buys his girlfriend a ring. She doesn’t like, he is upset and hurt and rightfully so. He asks for everyone’s opinions and then continues many blogs as to the character (good or bad) of the girl for not liking the ring.

Here is the main point I am trying to make . . . . THE ENGAGEMENT RING MATTERS TO WOMEN.

I am not asking the question “Should it matter?” I am simply stating that it does matter whether you like it or not. Otherwise why would this blog even be created? Why have thousands of people posted thousands of blogs about engagement rings if they didn’t matter? Whether its size, color, clarity, cut, setting design, or diamond shape . . ..everyone has at least a preference on what they want. That doesn’t make it wrong to have a preference for something that you will wear proudly for the rest of your life.

So for everyone who says that it’s the sentiment that matters and not the actual ring, why are you even on this blog posting opinions about diamond rings if you don’t care? I am not stating that the ring is more important than the sentiment . . . . . simply that the ring is part of the sentiment. They are connected one doesn’t come before the other.

If you live in a glass house don’t throw stones.

Melissa

 

[rickster123]

Men primarily are sentimental about their wallet......or the rationality of a "perceived value" (excluding vehicles, toys, sporting events, and bars)......hence a Tiffany purchase seems "unreasonable and very irrational"......

But you made a good point connecting the sentiment and the ring.......Happy Shopping

 

[bowral1]

Ha Ha

I agree

 

[lowphat]

Date: 5/6/2009 12:14:17 PM
Author: rickster123
Men primarily are sentimental about their wallet......or the rationality of a ''perceived value'' (excluding vehicles, toys, sporting events, and bars)......hence a Tiffany purchase seems ''unreasonable and very irrational''......

But you made a good point connecting the sentiment and the ring.......Happy Shopping

Like I said in the other thread, our problem (as men) is to try to rationalize the 4 c''s of an engagement ring and buy the ring that we think is the best for the money. Engagement rings are not rational to begin with. We need to just suck it up and buy her the ring she wants... even if that ring is obviously inferior to another ring that we find.

Once you try to be "rational", you''re just asking for trouble.

 

[D&T]

well speaking from my experience I got all caught up with the the excitement of getting engaged... and just liked a particular ring style and we were young and didn''t know any better... and my hubby oblige.. whatever it was,,, but I knew he didn''t have much to spend so I wasn''t looking in the price range I wanted, but what fits his bill, but If I could it all over again,,, I would have done my research and hope that many women will do theirs before they are set on a particular "ring" per se ie TIFFANY... because of those movies or whatever or name brand and help get the best bang for whatever your budget is... my hubby is sentimental about our ring,,, I have sinced upgrade, and I am keeping the ring because it means so much more to my hubby than really me... I know I might be in the minority of women, but I also dreamed of my perfect ring even before my husband and I met, so unfortunately at the time we couldn''t get it but now I can.

 

[Gypsy]

They are not mutually exclusive as you stated. They do impact one another, especially at the proposal stage... but at some point a ring is a ring.

Many of the women on here upgrade their diamonds. Now, are you rejecting the original ring he gave you (and thus the sentiment behind it?) when you do this? I don't think so, especially as many of the upgrades are from members in strong long lasting relationships.

I don't think that by rejecting the ring, the woman is rejecting the man. Just as I don't think that a man who proposes without a ring is somehow devalueing his future wife. The ring is not the commitment, it's not a statement of how much your FI values you. But if the man doesn't at least put some thought into making sure that it suits his future wife, it is a cause for concern. Not because of the ring. But because it highlights what might be a deficiency in the relationship-- whether that be communication deficiencies, or different expectations with regard to material possessions. I also think that if a woman does reject the ring, and does so in a cruel, thoughtless or malicious way. Then there is a problem. Again, the problem isn't the ring. It's the ring that highlights the deficiencies, whatever they might be.

At some point though the ring becomes a peice of jewelry that, yes has a lot of meaning behind it, but ulimately is an accesssory that the woman wearing it should be asthetically pleased with. If he puts a lot of time in finding it and wants to please her, but gets it wrong and she tells him so in a way that makes it clear that she loves him, appreciates the effort, but would prefer a different ring. There's nothing wrong with that. They've both done their duties, and the ring (the thing) just isn't the right one. Easy enough to fix that. Just change it. No harm, no foul.

 

[HornAround]

This is not a knock on anyone who partakes in this sort of engagement, but I'm really put off by the whole "ring shopping together" idea. What ever happened to good old fashioned romance? I find it often these days many couples just come up with the idea to get married and next thing you know, they're out looking for a ring. I love the thought of my girlfriend having no idea when I'm going to pop the question. Hell, as of today, she thinks I'm not looking to get married for another 3 to 4 years (not very happy about that either). It's going to blow her mind when I get down on one knee and ask the love of my life to be with me forever. I'm pretty confident she's going to like the ring that I practically killed myself over trying to find. I'm also pretty sure that it could look like cowdung yet she would still love it and hold it dear to her heart.

With that said, the idea of popping the question with the "ring to be" is not a bad concept. The only thing you lose is the initial reaction on her face when she sees the cracker jack ring in place of the "ring to be".

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 5/6/2009 1:41:31 PM
Author: HornAround
This is not a knock on anyone who partakes in this sort of engagement, but I'm really put off by the whole 'ring shopping together' idea. What ever happened to good old fashioned romance? I find it often these days many couples just come up with the idea to get married and next thing you know, they're out looking for a ring. I love the idea that my girlfriend has no idea when I'm going to pop the question. Hell, as of today, she thinks I'm not looking to get married for another 3 to 4 years (not very happy about that either). It's going to blow her mind when I get down on one knee and ask the love of my life to be with me forever. I'm pretty confident she's going to like the ring that I practically killed myself over trying to find. I'm also pretty sure that it could look like cowdung yet she would still love it and hold it dear to her heart.

With that said, the idea of popping the question with the 'ring to be' is not a bad idea. The only thing you lose is the initial reaction on her face when she sees the cracker jack ring in place of the 'ring to be'.

I'm going to qoute Pandora's post in this thread here: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/why-do-some-men-wait-till-after-the-ring-is-returnable-to-propose.114433/

" I think the whole e-ring being part of the proposal is the problem nowadays.

In the UK it is far more normal for the couple to shop together AFTER the proposal. Members of our Royal Family have all chosen their engagement rings together.

The ring is a symbol to celebrate the commitment and promises made - it is not a gift in the normal sense. Typically the man pays for it - but this is merely tradition and stems from the time when women probably didn't have independent money. So the whole 'old fashioned, wanting the man to pick the ring and suprise me' thing is actually a pretty modern concept.

Frankly if a man is taking a 'risk' in asking a girl to marry him then he shouldn't be asking - in today's world there should have been enough serious discussion between the couple that the answer is no suprise. Anyone who gets engaged in a whirlwind of pink-tinted romance and no underlying substance is more than likely to end up in trouble down the line. I wanted to be suprised by 'how and when' the proposal happened and hoped that my FFI put some thought and effort into it - I did not want to be suprised by the most important piece of jewellery I will ever own.

I chose and designed my own ring - with my then FI's input - after the proposal. He was only too happy to know that I was getting the ring of my dreams and even now says that although he doesn't personally 'get' how something so small can cost SO much, it was worth every penny because he sees the look on my face whenever I look at it even several years later.

Surely every man should want to see that look on their fiancee's face? Why don't they consider how they would feel if they had no input into something that they are supposed to wear everyday for the rest of their lives? I think it's actually quite arrogant for a man to think "This is my gift and she will jolly well like it because I chose it"... even worse is when the girl has taken the time to explain what she does like and they blatantly ignore that.

I bought my DH a camera as an engagement gift, but he got to choose it. I wouldn't dare try and guess the specs that he would want - and if I had, well I wouldn't/shouldn't be too suprised if we were taking it back and changing it a week later!

Some girls want to be suprised and will love whatever they are given, others - and especially girls who belong to a diamond forum are less likely to feel that way. That's not to say that a bit of graciousness isn't a good thing - I find women who DEMAND a certain type of ring to be rather tacky. You should go for the best you can within what you and your FI have decided is your AFFORDABLE budget, whether that is a 3ct from Graff or a 0.25ct - and no shame in offering to pay for some of it yourself.

I spend a fair amount of time helping friends with e-rings and I so prefer it when the couple come together. Even I feel slightly sick and nervous when we are flying blind on what the girl may or may not want and I almost always steer the guy towards something 'safe' - even with couples who have been living together for years, the man rarely KNOWS exactly what she will like! "



Shopping together for a ring can be EXTREMELY romantic. In fact, it's an act of creation of compromise and of unity that, I think, is more romantic that the guy sweating it out alone while the woman fumes waiting to see if he's going to come up to scratch. But, to each his own. As long as the two of you are on the same page, it doesn't matter what we think, or what royalty does.

 

[HornAround]

If the future bride to be is a pricescope forum member then I take everything back.

Agreed on same page.

 

[Kelli]

Date: 5/6/2009 1:41:31 PM
Author: HornAround
This is not a knock on anyone who partakes in this sort of engagement, but I''m really put off by the whole ''ring shopping together'' idea. What ever happened to good old fashioned romance? I find it often these days many couples just come up with the idea to get married and next thing you know, they''re out looking for a ring. I love the thought of my girlfriend having no idea when I''m going to pop the question. Hell, as of today, she thinks I''m not looking to get married for another 3 to 4 years (not very happy about that either). It''s going to blow her mind when I get down on one knee and ask the love of my life to be with me forever. I''m pretty confident she''s going to like the ring that I practically killed myself over trying to find. I''m also pretty sure that it could look like cowdung yet she would still love it and hold it dear to her heart.

With that said, the idea of popping the question with the ''ring to be'' is not a bad concept. The only thing you lose is the initial reaction on her face when she sees the cracker jack ring in place of the ''ring to be''.

The problem with this is that not all guys are as good about researching and finding a really great ring. Girls dream of their perfect engagement ring once they realize their guy is "the one" and thier guy goes to zales.com and tries to find a great deal. I waited a loooong time (eight years-- supported him through college) to be engaged to my guy, and the first place he wanted to look was zales.com. He just didn''t know any better. So I did the research myself.

On the other hand, if he had proposed years ago when I knew we had no money, I would have gladly taken a plain band. It''s all up to the couple and the timing of it. Eight years is a long time to hunger for an engagement ring, so I wanted my forever one, and will never upgrade.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 5/6/2009 1:41:31 PM
Author: HornAround
This is not a knock on anyone who partakes in this sort of engagement, but I''m really put off by the whole ''ring shopping together'' idea. What ever happened to good old fashioned romance? I find it often these days many couples just come up with the idea to get married and next thing you know, they''re out looking for a ring. I love the thought of my girlfriend having no idea when I''m going to pop the question. Hell, as of today, she thinks I''m not looking to get married for another 3 to 4 years (not very happy about that either). It''s going to blow her mind when I get down on one knee and ask the love of my life to be with me forever. I''m pretty confident she''s going to like the ring that I practically killed myself over trying to find. I''m also pretty sure that it could look like cowdung yet she would still love it and hold it dear to her heart.

With that said, the idea of popping the question with the ''ring to be'' is not a bad concept. The only thing you lose is the initial reaction on her face when she sees the cracker jack ring in place of the ''ring to be''.

To me, a couple shopping together for a ring to symbolize their commitment to one another is the epitomy of romance.

I don''t find tricking a girl into thinking you''re not ready to commit just for a few moments of surprise is romantic AT ALL. To each his/her own.

 

[JSM]

Marriage isn't a one sided decision! Yes, my husband did his best to surprise me... but it wasn't like we didn't talk about our futures together. We had already discussed the hard issues - money, children, jobs, marriage, and morals. I said yes, but to a ring I didn't love and had no say in (I still wear it daily, though, for sentimental value).

I pull my weight financially in this relationship, I am not dependent on him to provide for me. In my view, we should have shared the cost of an engagement ring and both had input into the how, when, where, and how much. But I'm not worried about 'romance'. If he tries to be romantic my usual response is, "uh oh, what did you do now?"

 

[bowral1]

I agree with just about everything everyone is saying. I merely wanted to point out why do people act as though the ring doesn’t matter when clearly it does. And the thousands of posts on the forum is more proof that people care about the ring.

HornAround I would be careful about purposefully misleading your girlfriend. There is a book out there called “He’s just not that into you” Maybe you have heard of it? In that book it states if a guy wants to marry you he will regardless of money, his job, etc.

Example . . . .If a couple has been dating for 3+ years and he shows no signs of marrying you then you aren’t the one. I am not saying I necessarily agree with this statement but believe me your girlfriend most likely has read the book and watched the movie. Lying or purposely misleading her to think its another 3-4 years before marriage is even a possibility . . . . may cause problems. I am not presuming to know her feelings just telling you what the majority of girls (that I know including myself) would fee about that statement. Sorry if I overstepped any invisible boundaries on relationship advice, but miscommunications like that lead to big problems later.

 

[HornAround]

Date: 5/6/2009 2:13:03 PM
Author: bowral1

I agree with just about everything everyone is saying. I merely wanted to point out why do people act as though the ring doesn’t matter when clearly it does. And the thousands of posts on the forum is more proof that people care about the ring.

HornAround I would be careful about purposefully misleading your girlfriend. There is a book out there called “He’s just not that into you” Maybe you have heard of it? In that book it states if a guy wants to marry you he will regardless of money, his job, etc.

Example . . . .If a couple has been dating for 3+ years and he shows no signs of marrying you then you aren’t the one. I am not saying I necessarily agree with this statement but believe me your girlfriend most likely has read the book and watched the movie. Lying or purposely misleading her to think its another 3-4 years before marriage is even a possibility . . . . may cause problems. I am not presuming to know her feelings just telling you what the majority of girls (that I know including myself) would fee about that statement. Sorry if I overstepped any invisible boundaries on relationship advice, but miscommunications like that lead to big problems later.

3 years for you > 10 months for me. It''s not like it''s been 5 years or anything like that. I just know she''s a hopeless romantic who''s going to love anything I get her. Don''t get me wrong, I researched the purchase more than anything in my life (actually, I still am), so it''s not like I just popped into Zales and said "I''ll take that shiny one over there". As stated in this thread before, I wasn''t putting down people who shop for a ring together. If a couple feels that it''s in their best interest to do so than I''m all for it. Different strokes for different folks.....

 

[bowral1]

Yeah 10 months isn’t that long so I am sure you don’t have to worry about her getting too upset. I just wanted to point out how not funny something like that would be to a girl who has been dating a guy for at least 2-3 years. She might start to question his true feelings etc if she felt like he was brushing her off (when the subject of marriage was approached). Again, sounds like your situation is totally different and good luck!
Hornaround have you considered asking her friends for input on the ring? Or do they have big mouths? Some girls mention what they want in a ring to their friends in hopes that message will get relayed without spoiling the surprise.

 

[HornAround]

Date: 5/6/2009 3:06:12 PM
Author: bowral1


Yeah 10 months isn’t that long so I am sure you don’t have to worry about her getting too upset. I just wanted to point out how not funny something like that would be to a girl who has been dating a guy for at least 2-3 years. She might start to question his true feelings etc if she felt like he was brushing her off (when the subject of marriage was approached). Again, sounds like your situation is totally different and good luck!

Hornaround have you considered asking her friends for input on the ring? Or do they have big mouths? Some girls mention what they want in a ring to their friends in hopes that message will get relayed without spoiling the surprise.

Thanks!

I definitely can see how that could backfire on someone who was already 3 plus years in......

Honestly, I believe I got the gist of things in her comments concerning her sister''s ring. She doesn''t like big, flashy square diamonds (sweet on the big part!!!!)). She also said she likes to keep things simple and elegant. I believe with my budget I''ve gotten exactly what she would have always wanted (crossing fingers).

 

[soycoffee]

I think all of us on here know that the ring matters, and care about how it looks--and we''re more than willing to dole out opinions on other people''s rings. But, when it comes to your own ring with your own fiancee, it is different because there is emotion at stake. Personally, the stone mattered less than what it represented.

And, we shopped it out together, mostly because he wanted me to get what I liked, and we like shopping things out together. It was kind of a surprise in the end though, because I didn''t see the completed ring until he proposed. It was prettier than I ever imagined.

It''s very individual, and although it does matter (why buy one if it is doesn''t matter to you?!), it shouldn''t be everything, and often isn''t.

 

[justinislooking]

I'm a pretty traditional guy and I didn't want my girlfriend to be involved in the ring process at all. She really doesn't care about the ring. I could propose with no ring and she would be happy. I could never buy her a ring period and she would still love me the same. I did get her involved in looking at diamonds with me though. I was having too much fun to not have her involved. I literally couldn't contain myself. I just wanted her to be a part of it. She isn't going to have any say in the setting though. I listen to what she likes and I believe that I know her well enough to create the setting of her dreams.

All this BS (thats exactly what I see it as) with girls being insanely particular about a ring is horrible. Your future husband/wife is supposed to be the love of your life. If the only expression of that love comes from a ring, then I find that to be doomed to fail. Rings are beautiful, but marriage is a million times deeper than material possessions. Its the heart that matters more than anything.

I want to get my girlfriend a beautiful ring, because I love her to death. She is amazing and I want to give her the best. Almost all of my posts on here pertain to my search for the perfect ring. Thats just how I am. I want it to be a perfect ring.

I want to adorn her with beautiful jewelry, because I love her. I love her, because she loves me and will be ecstatic regardless of the ring.

Also, on a side note, I know this thread was probably spawned as a result of the other guy's thread who was devastated, because his FW wasn't happy with the ring. I think that is absolutely horrible for him. It would break my heart if my girlfriend responded in that manner. I just hope and pray that the whole situation can be reconciled and that this doesn't scar their future relationship.

 

[bowral1]

Date: 5/6/2009 4:04:55 PM
Author: justinislooking
I''m a pretty traditional guy and I didn''t want my girlfriend to be involved in the ring process at all. She really doesn''t care about the ring. I could propose with no ring and she would be happy. I could never buy her a ring period and she would still love me the same. I did get her involved in looking at diamonds with me though. I was having too much fun to not have her involved. I literally couldn''t contain myself. I just wanted her to be a part of it. She isn''t going to have any say in the setting though. I listen to what she likes and I believe that I know her well enough to create the setting of her dreams.

All this BS (thats exactly what I see it as) with girls being insanely particular about a ring is horrible. Your future husband/wife is supposed to be the love of your life. If the only expression of that love comes from a ring, then I find that to be doomed to fail. Rings are beautiful, but marriage is a million times deeper than material possessions. Its the heart that matters more than anything.

I want to get my girlfriend a beautiful ring, because I love her to death. She is amazing and I want to give her the best. Almost all of my posts on here pertain to my search for the perfect ring. Thats just how I am. I want it to be a perfect ring.

I want to adorn her with beautiful jewelry, because I love her. I love her, because she loves me and will be ecstatic regardless of the ring.

Also, on a side note, I know this thread was probably spawned as a result of the other guy''s thread who was devastated, because his FW wasn''t happy with the ring. I think that is absolutely horrible for him. It would break my heart if my girlfriend responded in that manner. I just hope and pray that the whole situation can be reconciled and that this doesn''t scar their future relationship.

Sorry Justinislooking I just had to respond because you proved the exact point I am trying to stress. The ring does matter.

You said so yourself "I want to get my girlfriend a beautiful ring, because I love her to death". Are you being materialistic for wanting to get a beautiful ring? No of course not, and neither are the women who want a beautiful e-ring.

I am not referring to all the greedy, crazy and demanding women out there who make rings a materialistic item or competition.

***Keep in mind that just because a woman cares about her engagement ring doesn’t make her materialistic or any of the aforementioned.

Melissa

Good luck with your journey, and I am sure it will be a beautiful ring

 

[Sharon101]

I personally have alot of jewellery and I love each piece for its beauty. I dont feel any sentiment to any of my jewellery though beyond its value as being stunning and gorgeous.

The last time my dh organised a present which I didnt like, I got it reset. He was upset at how I wasted money by resetting something new that cost him alot. But he didnt take it personally or get hurt feelings. Infact he ended up liking the new ring and got me an eternity band to match it.

I would hate to have to like something just because someone chose it. This would work if the chooser had great taste, but otherwise, why would I want someone to choose my jewellery.

The extreem of this is that partners always have to like what the other chooses or decides for them in the name of love. If I cook something that I think my dh should like, then he better just eat it and love it because its from me. If I buy my dh a neclase or ring even though he doesnt wear jewellery, he should wear it for me because otherwise I might be so hurt that I might have to reassess the relationship. Maybe I should pick out some clothes or a tie, and he should get warm fuzzies every time he wears it because its from me, even if he doesnt like what I chose.....

Anyway, I just wanted to say that some gals and guys live a whole lifetime without seeing their rings and other jewellery as anything other than a beautiful item that they were lucky enough to be able to afford at the time. Simi8larly, items are upgraded and sold without any emotion other than the pleasure of aquiring or getting rid of stuff to keep up with changing needs, tastes and budgets.

The last point is that tastes change as you age, they evolve. We live in different times than our parents. I cant think of any reason for the guy to have all the power and say in a relationship to hold his partner to ransome about when the proposal will take place (playing games , tricking her like she is a child) or to have that much say over the ring to choose something that the woman does not like at all.

Ps. I have been married 18 years, have 3 kids and hopefully many more gifts in mjy future that I know I will be choosing.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 5/6/2009 8:20:43 PM
Author: Sharon101
I personally have alot of jewellery and I love each piece for its beauty. I dont feel any sentiment to any of my jewellery though beyond its value as being stunning and gorgeous.

The last time my dh organised a present which I didnt like, I got it reset. He was upset at how I wasted money by resetting something new that cost him alot. But he didnt take it personally or get hurt feelings. Infact he ended up liking the new ring and got me an eternity band to match it.

I would hate to have to like something just because someone chose it. This would work if the chooser had great taste, but otherwise, why would I want someone to choose my jewellery.

The extreem of this is that partners always have to like what the other chooses or decides for them in the name of love. If I cook something that I think my dh should like, then he better just eat it and love it because its from me. If I buy my dh a neclase or ring even though he doesnt wear jewellery, he should wear it for me because otherwise I might be so hurt that I might have to reassess the relationship. Maybe I should pick out some clothes or a tie, and he should get warm fuzzies every time he wears it because its from me, even if he doesnt like what I chose.....

Anyway, I just wanted to say that some gals and guys live a whole lifetime without seeing their rings and other jewellery as anything other than a beautiful item that they were lucky enough to be able to afford at the time. Simi8larly, items are upgraded and sold without any emotion other than the pleasure of aquiring or getting rid of stuff to keep up with changing needs, tastes and budgets.

The last point is that tastes change as you age, they evolve. We live in different times than our parents. I cant think of any reason for the guy to have all the power and say in a relationship to hold his partner to ransome about when the proposal will take place (playing games , tricking her like she is a child) or to have that much say over the ring to choose something that the woman does not like at all.

Ps. I have been married 18 years, have 3 kids and hopefully many more gifts in mjy future that I know I will be choosing.

Sharon, I don''t disagree with your examples.

I do think though that you might agree that if you spent 4 to 6 months planning the perfect anniversary dinner, saving your allowance to get the finest food, and worked on it all day, you would expect your hubby to act happy that night, eat it, smile, and say he really appreciated all that you put into it.

If it turns out that really isn''t his favorite meal, don''t you think he should wait a couple of days to calmly let you know and not tell you quickly that you obviously "cheaped out" on his anni dinner. Because I''m thinking if your hubby pitched a rude fit, it might be his last home cooked meal in a while

 

[vespergirl]

Hmm ... I think it''s a little of both. First of all, I think that most women don''t care about jewelry as much as PSers. My mother has a huge, gorgeous ring that she literally only wears about once a year, because she''s not a jewelry person, and mostly just wears a plain gold band. She would have been happy to not even receive an ering.

However, jewelry women like jewelry. For example, my husband knew that I loved jewelry before we got engaged, so he proposed and then took me ring shopping, because he knew that since I was interested in jewelry, he wanted to pick something that I really liked.

I also want to say, though, that I would never expect something outside what my husband could afford. Every piece of jewelry my husband has ever bought me has been purchased with cash - he never went into debt to buy me jewelry. In fact, when we got engaged & went ring shopping, he was asking to see 2-3 carat rings, while I was steering him towards 1.5 cts, because of the expense. I didn''t want him to spend more than a certain amount. And even during my first marriage, when my ex-husband & I got married 1 year out of college, my engagement ring only cost $800, because that was what the ex had saved/budgeted for the ring. I looked at rings within his budget, and ended up getting a lovely ring that was beautiful & appropriate for that stage in our lives.

That said, I have to admit that I have upgraded my ering since the initial purchase. However, that was because of cut quality, and I changed stone shape (from an asscher to a round). I never pressured my husband for something that he couldn''t afford, or criticized his taste (in fact, I switched from the asscher I wanted to the RB that he originally wanted to get me).

I guess the point of all of this rambling is that I guess it of course is mostly about the sentiment, but for jewelry people, the ring itself is important as well. Many women don''t think twice about the ring after they receive it, but for the minority of us, it is an important accessory as well.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 5/6/2009 4:04:55 PM
Author: justinislooking
I''m a pretty traditional guy and I didn''t want my girlfriend to be involved in the ring process at all. She really doesn''t care about the ring. I could propose with no ring and she would be happy. I could never buy her a ring period and she would still love me the same. I did get her involved in looking at diamonds with me though. I was having too much fun to not have her involved. I literally couldn''t contain myself. I just wanted her to be a part of it. She isn''t going to have any say in the setting though. I listen to what she likes and I believe that I know her well enough to create the setting of her dreams.


All this BS (thats exactly what I see it as) with girls being insanely particular about a ring is horrible. Your future husband/wife is supposed to be the love of your life. If the only expression of that love comes from a ring, then I find that to be doomed to fail. Rings are beautiful, but marriage is a million times deeper than material possessions. Its the heart that matters more than anything.


I want to get my girlfriend a beautiful ring, because I love her to death. She is amazing and I want to give her the best. Almost all of my posts on here pertain to my search for the perfect ring. Thats just how I am. I want it to be a perfect ring.


I want to adorn her with beautiful jewelry, because I love her. I love her, because she loves me and will be ecstatic regardless of the ring.


Also, on a side note, I know this thread was probably spawned as a result of the other guy''s thread who was devastated, because his FW wasn''t happy with the ring. I think that is absolutely horrible for him. It would break my heart if my girlfriend responded in that manner. I just hope and pray that the whole situation can be reconciled and that this doesn''t scar their future relationship.

If it''s all about the love and relationship (as it should be), then what''s the harm in allowing her to pick out a setting she loves or picking out the setting together. If she''s a great woman that would take any ring you gave her, why not reward her by giving her dream setting...

Just because a woman has a particular idea of what a ring she''s going to wear everyday for the rest of her life is going to look like, doesn''t mean the ring is the only expression of love in the relationship.

Also, you specifically say you want to get your GF the "perfect ring." Well, whose definition of "perfect" because I''m sure we all have a different one? Shouldn''t it be your GF''s vision of perfect? Or would that make you both materialistic?

 

[justinislooking]

Date: 5/6/2009 9:24:43 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 5/6/2009 4:04:55 PM
Author: justinislooking
I'm a pretty traditional guy and I didn't want my girlfriend to be involved in the ring process at all. She really doesn't care about the ring. I could propose with no ring and she would be happy. I could never buy her a ring period and she would still love me the same. I did get her involved in looking at diamonds with me though. I was having too much fun to not have her involved. I literally couldn't contain myself. I just wanted her to be a part of it. She isn't going to have any say in the setting though. I listen to what she likes and I believe that I know her well enough to create the setting of her dreams.


All this BS (thats exactly what I see it as) with girls being insanely particular about a ring is horrible. Your future husband/wife is supposed to be the love of your life. If the only expression of that love comes from a ring, then I find that to be doomed to fail. Rings are beautiful, but marriage is a million times deeper than material possessions. Its the heart that matters more than anything.


I want to get my girlfriend a beautiful ring, because I love her to death. She is amazing and I want to give her the best. Almost all of my posts on here pertain to my search for the perfect ring. Thats just how I am. I want it to be a perfect ring.


I want to adorn her with beautiful jewelry, because I love her. I love her, because she loves me and will be ecstatic regardless of the ring.


Also, on a side note, I know this thread was probably spawned as a result of the other guy's thread who was devastated, because his FW wasn't happy with the ring. I think that is absolutely horrible for him. It would break my heart if my girlfriend responded in that manner. I just hope and pray that the whole situation can be reconciled and that this doesn't scar their future relationship.

If it's all about the love and relationship (as it should be), then what's the harm in allowing her to pick out a setting she loves or picking out the setting together. If she's a great woman that would take any ring you gave her, why not reward her by giving her dream setting...

Just because a woman has a particular idea of what a ring she's going to wear everyday for the rest of her life is going to look like, doesn't mean the ring is the only expression of love in the relationship.

Also, you specifically say you want to get your GF the 'perfect ring.' Well, whose definition of 'perfect' because I'm sure we all have a different one? Shouldn't it be your GF's vision of perfect? Or would that make you both materialistic?

I've offered. She doesn't want to help pick out the setting. The setting is what makes it all unique to her anyways.
the diamond doesn't matter much to her. She actually believes that I can find a better setting than any she has ever seen. I'm a bit nervous doing it all by myself, but she is completely confident that she will love what I get her and she wants it that way. I am actually having her setting custom made... so shes right when she says that she wouldn't be able to find it anywhere.

Don't get so caught up in my literal words that you miss my intended point. I bolded what I feel was my main point. The rest was just ranting and me yacking without thinking first.

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 5/6/2009 8:45:25 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 5/6/2009 8:20:43 PM
Author: Sharon101
I personally have alot of jewellery and I love each piece for its beauty. I dont feel any sentiment to any of my jewellery though beyond its value as being stunning and gorgeous.

The last time my dh organised a present which I didnt like, I got it reset. He was upset at how I wasted money by resetting something new that cost him alot. But he didnt take it personally or get hurt feelings. Infact he ended up liking the new ring and got me an eternity band to match it.

I would hate to have to like something just because someone chose it. This would work if the chooser had great taste, but otherwise, why would I want someone to choose my jewellery.

The extreem of this is that partners always have to like what the other chooses or decides for them in the name of love. If I cook something that I think my dh should like, then he better just eat it and love it because its from me. If I buy my dh a neclase or ring even though he doesnt wear jewellery, he should wear it for me because otherwise I might be so hurt that I might have to reassess the relationship. Maybe I should pick out some clothes or a tie, and he should get warm fuzzies every time he wears it because its from me, even if he doesnt like what I chose.....

Anyway, I just wanted to say that some gals and guys live a whole lifetime without seeing their rings and other jewellery as anything other than a beautiful item that they were lucky enough to be able to afford at the time. Simi8larly, items are upgraded and sold without any emotion other than the pleasure of aquiring or getting rid of stuff to keep up with changing needs, tastes and budgets.

The last point is that tastes change as you age, they evolve. We live in different times than our parents. I cant think of any reason for the guy to have all the power and say in a relationship to hold his partner to ransome about when the proposal will take place (playing games , tricking her like she is a child) or to have that much say over the ring to choose something that the woman does not like at all.

Ps. I have been married 18 years, have 3 kids and hopefully many more gifts in mjy future that I know I will be choosing.

Sharon, I don''t disagree with your examples.

I do think though that you might agree that if you spent 4 to 6 months planning the perfect anniversary dinner, saving your allowance to get the finest food, and worked on it all day, you would expect your hubby to act happy that night, eat it, smile, and say he really appreciated all that you put into it.

If it turns out that really isn''t his favorite meal, don''t you think he should wait a couple of days to calmly let you know and not tell you quickly that you obviously ''cheaped out'' on his anni dinner. Because I''m thinking if your hubby pitched a rude fit, it might be his last home cooked meal in a while

There is a difference in eatting something that is not your favourite food and being excpected to eat something that you dont like.

And in any relationship there will be things that we dont agree on or even like that the other does like. There will also be things that partners dissagree on that involve financial decisions and values there.

But jewellery is not something that has to be bought in a vacuum and given as a surprise. It is too big a purchase imo to take a gamble that the wearer will love it just because.

Unlike meals and clothes, a ring is bought to be worm forever or a very long time. For that reason alone I feel it should be a joint decision, or at the very least, based on the wearers tastes.

We are very past the times where us gals were lucky to get anything (due to having no finacial clout) and the guy had the last say in every decision.

Of course we all walk in different shoes. I suspect a woman who doesnt mind wearing a ring she hates is just bidding her time.

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 5/6/2009 8:49:50 PM
Author: vespergirl
Hmm ... I think it''s a little of both. First of all, I think that most women don''t care about jewelry as much as PSers. My mother has a huge, gorgeous ring that she literally only wears about once a year, because she''s not a jewelry person, and mostly just wears a plain gold band. She would have been happy to not even receive an ering.

However, jewelry women like jewelry. For example, my husband knew that I loved jewelry before we got engaged, so he proposed and then took me ring shopping, because he knew that since I was interested in jewelry, he wanted to pick something that I really liked.

I also want to say, though, that I would never expect something outside what my husband could afford. Every piece of jewelry my husband has ever bought me has been purchased with cash - he never went into debt to buy me jewelry. In fact, when we got engaged & went ring shopping, he was asking to see 2-3 carat rings, while I was steering him towards 1.5 cts, because of the expense. I didn''t want him to spend more than a certain amount. And even during my first marriage, when my ex-husband & I got married 1 year out of college, my engagement ring only cost $800, because that was what the ex had saved/budgeted for the ring. I looked at rings within his budget, and ended up getting a lovely ring that was beautiful & appropriate for that stage in our lives.

That said, I have to admit that I have upgraded my ering since the initial purchase. However, that was because of cut quality, and I changed stone shape (from an asscher to a round). I never pressured my husband for something that he couldn''t afford, or criticized his taste (in fact, I switched from the asscher I wanted to the RB that he originally wanted to get me).

I guess the point of all of this rambling is that I guess it of course is mostly about the sentiment, but for jewelry people, the ring itself is important as well. Many women don''t think twice about the ring after they receive it, but for the minority of us, it is an important accessory as well.

Thats exactly it.....what I was trying to say.

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 5/6/2009 9:59:30 PM
Author: justinislooking

Date: 5/6/2009 9:24:43 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 5/6/2009 4:04:55 PM
Author: justinislooking
I''m a pretty traditional guy and I didn''t want my girlfriend to be involved in the ring process at all. She really doesn''t care about the ring. I could propose with no ring and she would be happy. I could never buy her a ring period and she would still love me the same. I did get her involved in looking at diamonds with me though. I was having too much fun to not have her involved. I literally couldn''t contain myself. I just wanted her to be a part of it. She isn''t going to have any say in the setting though. I listen to what she likes and I believe that I know her well enough to create the setting of her dreams.


All this BS (thats exactly what I see it as) with girls being insanely particular about a ring is horrible. Your future husband/wife is supposed to be the love of your life. If the only expression of that love comes from a ring, then I find that to be doomed to fail. Rings are beautiful, but marriage is a million times deeper than material possessions. Its the heart that matters more than anything.


I want to get my girlfriend a beautiful ring, because I love her to death. She is amazing and I want to give her the best. Almost all of my posts on here pertain to my search for the perfect ring. Thats just how I am. I want it to be a perfect ring.


I want to adorn her with beautiful jewelry, because I love her. I love her, because she loves me and will be ecstatic regardless of the ring.


Also, on a side note, I know this thread was probably spawned as a result of the other guy''s thread who was devastated, because his FW wasn''t happy with the ring. I think that is absolutely horrible for him. It would break my heart if my girlfriend responded in that manner. I just hope and pray that the whole situation can be reconciled and that this doesn''t scar their future relationship.

If it''s all about the love and relationship (as it should be), then what''s the harm in allowing her to pick out a setting she loves or picking out the setting together. If she''s a great woman that would take any ring you gave her, why not reward her by giving her dream setting...

Just because a woman has a particular idea of what a ring she''s going to wear everyday for the rest of her life is going to look like, doesn''t mean the ring is the only expression of love in the relationship.

Also, you specifically say you want to get your GF the ''perfect ring.'' Well, whose definition of ''perfect'' because I''m sure we all have a different one? Shouldn''t it be your GF''s vision of perfect? Or would that make you both materialistic?

I''ve offered. She doesn''t want to help pick out the setting. The setting is what makes it all unique to her anyways.
the diamond doesn''t matter much to her. She actually believes that I can find a better setting than any she has ever seen. I''m a bit nervous doing it all by myself, but she is completely confident that she will love what I get her and she wants it that way. I am actually having her setting custom made... so shes right when she says that she wouldn''t be able to find it anywhere.

Don''t get so caught up in my literal words that you miss my intended point. I bolded what I feel was my main point. The rest was just ranting and me yacking without thinking first.

Justin, your situation is different. your gorgeous gal isnt interested in the purchase process and thats ok too. She is probably not that into jewellery (yet) to really care one way or the other. And, she trusts that your taste might be even better than her own.

I was a non jewellery person too when I first got married. I grew up very poor and I was young too when my dh proposed. I let him pick out the diamond (he is a jeweller) and in a million years I wouldnt have questioned what he chose.

But today I know more than he does about cut and performance etc!!! And today I am a real jewellery freak, something that didnt even enter my world until I hit 40!!!!!

So, for my dh. the easy non jewellery gal he married turned out to be his worst nightmare!!!!

Anyway, my point to you is that you are following your girls wants and desires by choosing the ring for her because thats what she wants. I have a feeling that if she was really wanting to help choose you would go along with that too, because you seem happy to want to make her happy, and visa versa.

I am sure your gal will be in heaven with what you choose.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 5/6/2009 9:59:30 PM
Author: justinislooking

Date: 5/6/2009 9:24:43 PM

Author: lucyandroger

Date: 5/6/2009 4:04:55 PM

Author: justinislooking

I'm a pretty traditional guy and I didn't want my girlfriend to be involved in the ring process at all. She really doesn't care about the ring. I could propose with no ring and she would be happy. I could never buy her a ring period and she would still love me the same. I did get her involved in looking at diamonds with me though. I was having too much fun to not have her involved. I literally couldn't contain myself. I just wanted her to be a part of it. She isn't going to have any say in the setting though. I listen to what she likes and I believe that I know her well enough to create the setting of her dreams.



All this BS (thats exactly what I see it as) with girls being insanely particular about a ring is horrible. Your future husband/wife is supposed to be the love of your life. If the only expression of that love comes from a ring, then I find that to be doomed to fail. Rings are beautiful, but marriage is a million times deeper than material possessions. Its the heart that matters more than anything.



I want to get my girlfriend a beautiful ring, because I love her to death. She is amazing and I want to give her the best. Almost all of my posts on here pertain to my search for the perfect ring. Thats just how I am. I want it to be a perfect ring.



I want to adorn her with beautiful jewelry, because I love her. I love her, because she loves me and will be ecstatic regardless of the ring.



Also, on a side note, I know this thread was probably spawned as a result of the other guy's thread who was devastated, because his FW wasn't happy with the ring. I think that is absolutely horrible for him. It would break my heart if my girlfriend responded in that manner. I just hope and pray that the whole situation can be reconciled and that this doesn't scar their future relationship.

If it's all about the love and relationship (as it should be), then what's the harm in allowing her to pick out a setting she loves or picking out the setting together. If she's a great woman that would take any ring you gave her, why not reward her by giving her dream setting...


Just because a woman has a particular idea of what a ring she's going to wear everyday for the rest of her life is going to look like, doesn't mean the ring is the only expression of love in the relationship.


Also, you specifically say you want to get your GF the 'perfect ring.' Well, whose definition of 'perfect' because I'm sure we all have a different one? Shouldn't it be your GF's vision of perfect? Or would that make you both materialistic?

I've offered. She doesn't want to help pick out the setting. The setting is what makes it all unique to her anyways.

the diamond doesn't matter much to her. She actually believes that I can find a better setting than any she has ever seen. I'm a bit nervous doing it all by myself, but she is completely confident that she will love what I get her and she wants it that way. I am actually having her setting custom made... so shes right when she says that she wouldn't be able to find it anywhere.


Don't get so caught up in my literal words that you miss my intended point. I bolded what I feel was my main point. The rest was just ranting and me yacking without thinking first.

That's great, Justin. Each relationship is different. You and your GF are doing things the way you guys prefer. There's no way that my BF could find a better setting than I've ever seen (he would have strolled into a Kay's looking for a ring - just because he didn't know any better

)

So I'm more involved in the process and we're designing a ring together. That doesn't mean that we're materialistic or that a ring is the only symbol of our love. That's just the way we prefer to do things and we don't think it's BS!

Frankly, my BF thinks it's weird that a guy would be super into designing jewelry - it's not his thing. I'm more into the details and he loves that the ring on my finger is going to be a piece of jewelry that I love more than any other - not just because of its symbolism but also because of its aesthetics. We're spending as much on this ring as our car costs so he wants it to be perfect in every way just like you do. We're getting to perfect in a different way - that doesn't mean its wrong.

ETA - I saw the thread about the ring you're designing and it looks like it's going to be gorgeous!

 

[HornAround]

Date: 5/6/2009 8:20:43 PM
Author: Sharon101




I cant think of any reason for the guy to have all the power and say in a relationship to hold his partner to ransome about when the proposal will take place (playing games , tricking her like she is a child) or to have that much say over the ring to choose something that the woman does not like at all.

Ransom (not ransome)? Are you kidding me? Do you tell family and friends what you want for Christmas? Do you pick out what you want for your birthday? How about Valentine's day, is that something you have pegged on the list of future things for you? There is nothing wrong with "tricking" or "playing games" to try to keep your significant other out of the loop, since the idea is to try and not get suspected. Believe it or not, a lot of woman like the element of surprise and I hope it's a day she will cherish for the rest of her life.

 

[Imdanny]

Well, this isn't a blog, and I don't think that anyone ever said that a woman's feelings don't matter. I never read a post that said that. In a recent thread, the OP asked if you (the reader of this forum, a man, or a woman, if you were in the same situation) would be OFFENDED by the behavior the OP outlined in his post. As such, his question was answered.

98% of the posters on this site are women. I don't think you need to spend a lot of your time being concerned with us not thinking that what women want is important.