This weekend...

[Mara]

nyt i just wanted to say something real quick about your mom...sounds like you guys have some issues to work through or maybe she does or whatever...but she is your mother and your only living parent...i would try to somehow make things work with her but even if you can''t be close, i wouldn''t just write her off and hope she doesn''t come to the wedding. you only get married once (ideally!) and i think that you may regret it later when you are older and possibly have kids of your own if you don''t keep making the effort and doing everything you can to try to mend the relationship with her. parents sometimes can test our patience, don''t we all know it, but in the end they do love us and want the best for us even if it''s THEIR idea of what is best. sometimes they really don''t realize what they are saying or think that because they are parents they get free reign....anyway hopefully you two can work things out and she will be happy for you!

 

[Vero]

Date: 1/27/2006 1:48:02 AM
Author: Mara
nyt i just wanted to say something real quick about your mom...sounds like you guys have some issues to work through or maybe she does or whatever...but she is your mother and your only living parent...i would try to somehow make things work with her but even if you can''t be close, i wouldn''t just write her off and hope she doesn''t come to the wedding. you only get married once (ideally!) and i think that you may regret it later when you are older and possibly have kids of your own if you don''t keep making the effort and doing everything you can to try to mend the relationship with her. parents sometimes can test our patience, don''t we all know it, but in the end they do love us and want the best for us even if it''s THEIR idea of what is best. sometimes they really don''t realize what they are saying or think that because they are parents they get free reign....anyway hopefully you two can work things out and she will be happy for you!

I would like to share with you a story that relates to that: My parents wedding:
They got engaged on Tuesday and got married that Thursday. Yep. That crazy and dumb they were. My grandma said: if you get married two days from now I won''t go to your wedding. My mom said "fine, I don''t care". My mom got married. My grandma didn''t go.
My parents always told this as a funny part of the mother of all screwed up weddings: My mom''s only white dress got ruined at the cleaners so she got married on a green dress, the power went out right before she was supposed to say "I do", the photographer had an accident w/his film and he lost every single picture (they have no wedding pictures) and to top if off my other grandma got her coat stolen from the limo at some point and she hated my mother so she blamed her for it. Now forty years plus into her marriage, with my grandma dead, my mom starts saying how deeply she regrets that her mom was not there at her wedding and she didn''t try to convince her to go. Forty years and now it weights on her like a heavy stone...It probably always did, she just couldn''t bring herself to admit it

I don''t know how bad would your mom be in your wedding day, but I doubt that forty years later you would regret having her there, no matter what she does. She may not deserve it, she may not even want to go, but the reality is that she will be one of the few people in the world for which this day will be a big change in her personal history. In how her genes are passed and where they end up. If you don''t want to have to suffer her bitter crap when you invite her, write her a letter. Tell her what this day will mean to you, and that you really think she should be there, but you''re afraid to ask her because you fear she may tell you she doesn''t care and that would break your heart. You may be surprised how much nicer most people can be when you remind them that you care about what they say and that they have great power to hurt you…
My brother told me once after I reacted badly to something cruel my father did: "After time goes by, it won''t matter much what people said and did, but how we reacted to what others said or did." I think this is a very deep truth and I try to live by it. Perhaps it affected me so much because is the only really wise thing my brother ever said to me, but it still pretty powerful. It has changed my life.
My 0.02

 

[nytemist]

I thank you for the nice words and the advice, but the relationship is pretty much done. I wrote my mother off as a teen. It''s hard to come back from having her tell you she never should have tried again after her miscarriage if she knew how I was going to turn out. It just went downhill from there. I know it sounds inconceivable to most folks to have this opinion, easpecially if you have a good relationship with your mom. I don''t, and came to terms with it long ago.

Well, I''m off and runnign out of my office to take a bite out of the Big Apple for the weekend! YAY!!!!! I''m so happy to be going back and escaping Boston for a while. BF will join my friend and I tomorrow and it shall be FUN!

See ya next week!

 

[moon river]

Date: 1/27/2006 4:16:07 PM
Author: nytemist
I thank you for the nice words and the advice, but the relationship is pretty much done. I wrote my mother off as a teen. It''s hard to come back from having her tell you she never should have tried again after her miscarriage if she knew how I was going to turn out. It just went downhill from there. I know it sounds inconceivable to most folks to have this opinion, easpecially if you have a good relationship with your mom. I don''t, and came to terms with it long ago.

Well, I''m off and runnign out of my office to take a bite out of the Big Apple for the weekend! YAY!!!!! I''m so happy to be going back and escaping Boston for a while. BF will join my friend and I tomorrow and it shall be FUN!

See ya next week!

That was a horrible thing to say to your child.

Please know that your mother is deeply disturbed and probably has been her whole life and that nothing you have ever done would cause a sane mother to treat you the way she treated you.

 

[nytemist]

It seems that every weekend is going to be a different surprise or something. Last weekend BF was able to join my friend and I in NY. It was good time outside of my friend being a little snippy about being single at times- she always does it when the three of us are together.

So, BF tells me be sure I leave Thursday open. Feb 2 is our 5-yr anniversary and he said I''m to skip the gym that night since he has something really nice planned this year! (him? plan in advance? Stop the presses) I asked should I dress up or be my usual self? He said I could be casual since no reservations are needed. I said- don''t tell me anymore!!! He he says ok, it''s nice and you may want to pack an overnight bag. (!!!!) In the middle of the week? Don''t know what''s up his sleeve. Yesterday he aslo said this coming weekend we should start talking budget. I almost fell over.

This is week 2 for the ring

I know I probably sound silly, but I still just can''t believe he really wants to do this. Wants to marry me. Look at this every day. I still can''t describe how that makes me feel.

 

[AmberWaves]

Nytemist, you''re a good person, no matter WHAT raised you, and I think it shows a great deal of personality, and strength to have turned out so well. I''m surprised you never noticed before! He''s a lucky man to have you, now you''d better get your head outta your tush and realize YOU''RE WORTH IT. Every little bit. Don''t doubt anything about yourself, you''re a catch, and if you don''t think so, you''ll be agreeing with your mom. And that, we all know, is a bunch of crap. Enjoy your newfound coneection with your BF, and have fun! Have fun for me, since I''m sitting here working..

 

[moon river]

Date: 1/31/2006 1:57:21 PM
Author: AmberWaves
Nytemist, you''re a good person, no matter WHAT raised you, and I think it shows a great deal of personality, and strength to have turned out so well. I''m surprised you never noticed before! He''s a lucky man to have you, now you''d better get your head outta your tush and realize YOU''RE WORTH IT. Every little bit. Don''t doubt anything about yourself, you''re a catch, and if you don''t think so, you''ll be agreeing with your mom. And that, we all know, is a bunch of crap. Enjoy your newfound coneection with your BF, and have fun! Have fun for me, since I''m sitting here working..

DITTO!!! I''m so happy for you!!!!!

 

[nytemist]

You ladies are too sweet for words... took a long time to realize that I wasn''t the problem.

Soooo...

I think the ring is DONE! He had a message on his answering machine last night when we got to his place that he didn''t want me to hear, he''s never like that. I know he has a weekday off next week, maybe he will go to pick it up! It was kind of funny... he was thinking up some wedding ideas last night having dinner.

Now the real wait starts.

 

[SoonIHope]

eeeeee, so exciting!!!

I can''t believe you could actually be ENGAGED in a couple of days!!!!

And what kind of wedding ideas was he thinking up?? SO EXCITING!!!!

(I am just grinning like a fool right now, I hope no one comes back to my cube!)

 

[LaurenThePartier]

NYT, congrats! I''ve been following your story for some time and was waiting to find out what happened last night - Happy Anniversary, btw!

In any case, I can''t wait for you to have everything you''re hoping for. You definitely deserve it!

 

[AmberWaves]

Okay Nytemist..... Whoo hoo!! I''m so glad for you!

 

[nytemist]

Albi- I''m hoping it''s a few days, but I''m guessing it will be longer than that. Not too much longer mind you, since we''re aiming for October. For our anniversary, it was just dinner at home, but he cleared his dining table of junk and set out plates, made origami with the napkins and used the Jack and Sally wine glasses I found a couple of weeks ago (Nightmare Before Christmas), and my favorite- Vampire wine. He said as an inside joke, the dinner at the wedding should be the pasta dish we always like to make. He went to Pottery Barn (!!!!!) the other night to buy votives and candleholders for last night and saw these really nice glass figurines that he thought might make a good cake topper! Also, what other colors would go well with whatever shade of purple my dress hopefully will be. Floored again. I''m grinning too as I write this, luckily most of my dept. left early but ME!

Lauren- thank you much! It wasn''t a huge to-do, but he really made the effort to make it romantic. Even made sure to keep the cats from jumping up on the dining table. My cynic side is much quieter in thinking that I do deserve happiness after last year.

I''m just still shocked at how quickly he changed gears once everything was out in the open and discussed.

 

[anchor31]

I''m so happy for you nytemist, all this is so wonderful! It is amazing how quickly your man changed gears... My SO is in full gear too now and it''s even getting a bit overwhelming! I''m so excited for you!!

 

[moon river]

See what a little open communication will do

I''m sooo happy for you. You bring out the mother hen in me