Time running out to decide baby or not? Women w/ kids and without - help!

[Allisonfaye]

I can''t see anything in your post that says why you WANT to have children. I think having children is an emotional decision. There are really no pros when you think about it. They take up all of your time, they are expensive, you lose a lot of freedom....

I don''t think everyone has to have children. It doesn''t mean there is anything wrong with you.

I am not one of those mothers who knew from age 10 that they wanted children. I think I decided that I wanted to around age 30.

 

[sugary]

I know this is a subject my FI and I have been discussing lately as we both lead a very busy lifestyle. We are both in our late 20s and are not sure we want kids. My mom had 3 kids by the time she was 25 and had help from her mom. My mom and dad took us everywhere with them. A few years after she had me, she went to college and earned her degree.

I asked her if she had any regrets at all about having us and she said, that having us was the best thing she ever did in her life and she could never imagine life without us.

sugary

(don't know what happened to my avatar... it just poofed!)

 

[rainwood]

Date: 1/13/2009 4:51:20 PM
Author: janinegirly
Having the same day to day routine for 30-40 years after marriage sounded depressing to me. Having a future with nothing to talk about but material items and vacations also depressed me.

I was going to stay out of this thread, but I couldn''t let these particular statements go without saying something. Life with or without kids is what you make of it. Neither kind of life is inherently boring or interesting, or selfish or generous. Mother Teresa didn''t have kids and neither does Oprah. Heck, they aren''t/weren''t even married and I doubt anyone would call their lives uninteresting or selfish. And I''m sure we all know parents who are self-centered and materialistic. Last time I checked, Donald Trump had kids and then there''s always Joan Crawford!

And I''m not sure what the poster''s basis is for saying that people who are married but don''t have kids have nothing to talk about besides material things and vacations. Sounds kind of judgey to me. And it certainly isn''t reflective of anyone I know who fits that category.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/13/2009 7:49:54 PM
Author: rainwood

Date: 1/13/2009 4:51:20 PM
Author: janinegirly
Having the same day to day routine for 30-40 years after marriage sounded depressing to me. Having a future with nothing to talk about but material items and vacations also depressed me.

I was going to stay out of this thread, but I couldn''t let these particular statements go without saying something. Life with or without kids is what you make of it. Neither kind of life is inherently boring or interesting, or selfish or generous. Mother Teresa didn''t have kids and neither does Oprah. Heck, they aren''t/weren''t even married and I doubt anyone would call their lives uninteresting or selfish. And I''m sure we all know parents who are self-centered and materialistic. Last time I checked, Donald Trump had kids and then there''s always Joan Crawford!

And I''m not sure what the poster''s basis is for saying that people who are married but don''t have kids have nothing to talk about besides material things and vacations. Sounds kind of judgey to me. And it certainly isn''t reflective of anyone I know who fits that category.

I don''t think Janine was saying that all married folks with no kids have nothing to talk about besides material things and vacations. I think she was applying it to her OWN life and thinking, hmm...I can see if I don''t have kids, our lives will pretty much be the same thing for the next 30-40 years.

Her comment actually resonated with me very much. My husband and I like to talk about lots of stuff, but man, this kid gives us something to talk about every day, and I am sure she will continue to give us challenges and topic for conversation for the rest of our lives.

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 1/13/2009 9:36:53 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/13/2009 7:49:54 PM
Author: rainwood

Date: 1/13/2009 4:51:20 PM
Author: janinegirly
Having the same day to day routine for 30-40 years after marriage sounded depressing to me. Having a future with nothing to talk about but material items and vacations also depressed me.

I was going to stay out of this thread, but I couldn't let these particular statements go without saying something. Life with or without kids is what you make of it. Neither kind of life is inherently boring or interesting, or selfish or generous. Mother Teresa didn't have kids and neither does Oprah. Heck, they aren't/weren't even married and I doubt anyone would call their lives uninteresting or selfish. And I'm sure we all know parents who are self-centered and materialistic. Last time I checked, Donald Trump had kids and then there's always Joan Crawford!

And I'm not sure what the poster's basis is for saying that people who are married but don't have kids have nothing to talk about besides material things and vacations. Sounds kind of judgey to me. And it certainly isn't reflective of anyone I know who fits that category.

I don't think Janine was saying that all married folks with no kids have nothing to talk about besides material things and vacations. I think she was applying it to her OWN life and thinking, hmm...I can see if I don't have kids, our lives will pretty much be the same thing for the next 30-40 years.

Her comment actually resonated with me very much. My husband and I like to talk about lots of stuff, but man, this kid gives us something to talk about every day, and I am sure she will continue to give us challenges and topic for conversation for the rest of our lives.

I agree with TGal. I believe Janine was talking specifically about HER life, not making a broad statement about marriage or people without children. Janine, your post was really well written and I agree with you 100%!

 

[Haven]

Date: 1/13/2009 4:51:20 PM
Author: janinegirly
And when you say things like you don''t like teenagers--I mean who does?

I wouldn''t say I "love" teenagers, but I do like them very much. They are some of the most interesting people I know. They aren''t jaded, or tired, or beaten into submission by the burdens of full-time jobs/mortgages/debt yet. They are inspired, vivacious, and open to what the world has to offer.

Anyway . . .

I''m reminded of a conversation I had with a woman who is like a second mother to me. Her husband (my "second dad") died in June of 2007. Shortly after he died my sisters and I were hanging out with her and her daughters, and she looked at us out of nowhere and said something along the lines of "I don''t know what I''d do without you girls. You are my greatest accomplishments. If I was alone right now without you, well, I just can''t even imagine."

Like my mother, they were young and poor when they had kids. They struggled for a long time to make it all work, and she maintains to this day that it is the best thing they ever did.

Just wanted to share.

 

[Mara]

Random interjection....but does anyone who is considering kids wonder about other kids and how they are being raised?

I ask this because... I see a lot of extremely spoiled children out there nowadays. And a generation that is far more coddled and catered to than previous. This last generation of kids was raised in a fairly prosperous economic time, esp in the area where we live (SF BayArea). Kids are raised differently now than when I was a kid....materially and emotionally...and I am not sure I love it.

We recently had a corporate speaker who detailed out the differences between the generations and what ''defines'' each generation and how to recognize etc. It was really interesting... honestly I find Baby Boomers the most RATIONAL now that I am older...even though I am Gen X..and Gen Y was raised very sheltered, for it to be all about them growing up, with parents super involved in more ways than Gen X or BB''s parents ever were. As a result, these kids are used to not a lot of competition and criticism. Obviously this is a huge generalization .. my sis is Gen Y and I adore her and she is a great blend of in my opinion Gen X and Y..but I do see a lot of what she put out there for Gen Y''s in younger kids around me... (and man I feel old then haha).

BUT...this definitely makes me think about our kids, if we have any, and how they will be raised and who their playmates will be and how they will be influenced socially. I know that each generation''s parents probably thought the same thing...but anyway, this is also something else I am thinking about while we figure out what we want to do. Sure we don''t have to raise our kids the same way everyone else does, but it''s hard to not be socially influenced by other kids etc. Anyway..anyone else think about this...also our world today is not our best and I also wonder do I really want to be interjecting a child into the world today...I almost long for a simpler time.

 

[trillionaire]

You can adopt. Lots of children need loving parents. Your time is not running out.

ETA: I am with Mara... I think a lot about the world around us, and the atmosphere in which I would be raising kids. If I decide on kids, I will adopt. This world isn't good enough for anything I could produce genetically.

 

[janinegirly]

Yes, thank you Curly and TGAL

--I was not intending to speak about (or start a debate) about people with kids vs. no kids and which is better--I was simply sharing my own personal experience. Anyway, got the impression the OP was searching for answers and wanting to hear others'' perspectives and experiences which is all I was intending to offer.

 

[KimberlyH]

Mara, your post touched on one of my biggest concerns regarding having children. As you know, I work with children, and am concerned that when the time comes for us my and DH''s philosophies about parenting will absolutely not mesh with the current trends in parenting. I could wax on about the reasons why, but I''ll just say that after many discussions DH and I have decided that is not a good enough reason for us not to have kids. We''re committed to finding environments, such as the schools our child/ren would attend, that best suit our beliefs as well as our child/ren''s needs/personalities/strengths/etc and we''ll just be prepared to explain to our future child/ren, when the time comes, why we have choosen to raise them a certain way, even if it''s different from what their friends'' parents are like.

 

[soocool]

Jewelgal: I don''t know what it is, but once I turned 50 I became incredibly introspective. I thought about all the "I should haves", "I could ofs", "why didn''t I''s", etc. But you know, life is what it is. It is that simple. Life doesn''t make any plans...it just happens.

I have friends who are childless by choice, others not by their own choosing. They either could not conceive, spouse left them, they did not want to raise a child alone, they were too old by the time they decided to have one, etc.

While we all make plans, these plans are not definitive. My one (childless) friend married her long time best friend and lover only to find that after 10 years of marriage "he no longer loved her" and divorced her and he then married someone younger and had 3 kids. Another friend''s (married 25 years with one son) husband (a very prominent dentist who had everything to live for) committed suicide a couple of years ago. My girlfriend from childhood (no children) had breast cancer at 42, but is a survivor, another friend died of breast cancer at 49 leaving 2 children and a wonderful husband behind.

It would be wonderful if we could plan to have exactly the life we want. But I don''t think that really happens. Whatever decisions you make, know that at the time it was the best one for you (no regrets!)

Oh, by the way, some of those childless couples are a very prominent part of my daughter''s life since her birth and though they are not "blood" family she has embraced them so much that they are indeed "real"family (blood or not).

So you can:

1. Choose to have a child
2. Choose not to
3. Change your mind if you like
4. Never think it is too late (adopt or befriend another''s child)

I love my daughter in a way I never thought I could love another person, besides my husband. It is feeling you get once you become a mother. She is a teen now and I know that she is becoming independent and I must let go soon and let her live her own life. But each and every year she has been with us has been challenging in some ways, but wonderful challenges that are a part of me forever. No regrets whatsoever!

PS ( I thought I posted something on here yesterday. I must be losing my mind)

 

[Mara]

lol trillionaire...whenever we are out somewhere and there are crazy kids whose parents don''t do a thing to try to keep them from climbing on us while we are out at dinner or something... my husband will look at me and go ''THEIR genes are winning''. We are both like

...HA!

 

[fieryred33143]

Honestly, if you wait on the world to shape up before having children...you''ll be waiting forever. It''s all about how you raise your children at home, the kind of communication lines you have with them, and being open to listen.

Growing up, there were a lot of ways that I could have fallen into a statistic: pregnant while a teen, getting on drugs, dropping out of school, etc. especially growing up in a single parent home. But my mom raised me well. She knew how to give me the right amout of freedom so that I can learn to make my own decisions and yet still have a hold on me that I knew better than to go crazy. I didn''t have a curfew growing up but was still home by 9:30. She let me go anywhere I wanted without having to ask but I still asked and called her when I got to wherever I was going and called her if I was leaving that spot to somewhere else. And my mom listened. When there were things going on in school that I was confused about, questions I had, things I was going through personally...she listened. The world around me was going crazy, but I was not and that''s all thanks to how I was raised. That''s not to say I didn''t have my moments of pure teenage attitude or that I didn''t make mistakes or got in trouble. There''s a reason why my mom calls me "la bruja" (the witch

).

So while the world may seem to be going wrong, you can only be held responsible for what happens in your own home.

 

[ladypirate]

Mara, I hear you on the crazy way people raise their kids nowadays. A woman I know was telling me her kids measure road trips in how many movies can be watched along the way.

There is something not right about that.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/14/2009 12:56:33 AM
Author: Mara
Random interjection....but does anyone who is considering kids wonder about other kids and how they are being raised?

I ask this because... I see a lot of extremely spoiled children out there nowadays. And a generation that is far more coddled and catered to than previous. This last generation of kids was raised in a fairly prosperous economic time, esp in the area where we live (SF BayArea). Kids are raised differently now than when I was a kid....materially and emotionally...and I am not sure I love it.

We recently had a corporate speaker who detailed out the differences between the generations and what ''defines'' each generation and how to recognize etc. It was really interesting... honestly I find Baby Boomers the most RATIONAL now that I am older...even though I am Gen X..and Gen Y was raised very sheltered, for it to be all about them growing up, with parents super involved in more ways than Gen X or BB''s parents ever were. As a result, these kids are used to not a lot of competition and criticism. Obviously this is a huge generalization .. my sis is Gen Y and I adore her and she is a great blend of in my opinion Gen X and Y..but I do see a lot of what she put out there for Gen Y''s in younger kids around me... (and man I feel old then haha).

BUT...this definitely makes me think about our kids, if we have any, and how they will be raised and who their playmates will be and how they will be influenced socially. I know that each generation''s parents probably thought the same thing...but anyway, this is also something else I am thinking about while we figure out what we want to do. Sure we don''t have to raise our kids the same way everyone else does, but it''s hard to not be socially influenced by other kids etc. Anyway..anyone else think about this...also our world today is not our best and I also wonder do I really want to be interjecting a child into the world today...I almost long for a simpler time.

Ha Mara, interesting question...

I think about this a lot. Even simple stuff like when I see an 8 year old with a cell phone. I think, huh? No way does my kid need a cell phone! But then I think, will she be the odd one out with no cell phone and how will that make her feel? Will she NEED one because this world is a scary place! OK! I give in, I''ll get her a cell phone!!

I don''t care in a lot of ways how the rest of the world is raising their children. I''m for loving and caring, but not over coddling and catering. My brother told me he saw a story of a baseball league that didn''t keep score because they didn''t want any of the kids to feel like they are losers. Huh? There are winners and losers in life and sorry...kids need to learn how to handle disappointment! Tough beans Amelia...learn it and live with it!

I don''t buy Amelia a lot stuff, nor will I. She will not have a ninetendo DS or anything of the sort. Do I want her to be teased because she won''t get designer clothes or the latest gadget? No. So I suppose it''s a tricky situation. But where does it end? It''s a slippery slope and one that I don''t want to go down.

A lot of the stuff I''ll just have to cross that bridge when I get to it. If I''ve learned anything in the short 9 months I''ve been a mom, is that things don''t always turn out the way you plan. But I''m going to do my best in the meantime to instill the values that I want in my child. And that means understanding that no means no and she will not be able to get everything she wants, and her friends may have more than her.

Growing up poor with strict parents who encouraged me to work hard for a better life than we had was the best thing for me. I didn''t understand why they did a lot of the things they did and why I couldn''t do some things that other children got to do, but it all makes sense now and I KNOW I am a better person for it. I think I have a good head on my shoulders because I learned that life isn''t always fair but you do your best and keep plowing forward pretty damn early on. Parents need to learn to manage their children. They need to learn to say no and stick with it. They need to teach there are consequences to actions and be CONSISTENT in discipline. This is not new. Every generation has loosey goosey parents.

As for simpler times...funny, I was just talking about that with an industry colleague I took to lunch today. We were talking about how when we were kids, not only did we not have to wear seatbelts, but we rode in the back of trucks! And we all fought to ride on the hump over the back tire for the best view!

My colleague said his dad finally said, "No kids, I don''t think it''s safe to sit like that. Don''t ride on the hump...it''s best to sit with your back against the back window of the truck." LOL. Poor Amelia will never know the joy of riding in the back of a truck on a warm summer day with an ice cream in hand. I strap in her into her carseat so tightly, sometimes I think she can''t breathe!

 

[WishfulThinking]

I''ve been thinking a lot about this lately, so it''s an opportune thread for me as well! I have never really wanted kids, but there''s something about getting married and knowing that my wife and I can''t make babies without some sort of added intervention that has made me really *think* about it for the first time. There is of course nothing wrong with wanting or needing "alternative" [I hope you understand what I mean because I''m having trouble with my wording here] methods of conception or acquiring children, but it is complicated, and often expensive, and an extra step we would have to take; in short, it would mean we would really have to be actively trying to get pregnant for it to happen. Even that little step alone feels like 100 miles away from being able to have children. And right now, aside from the fact that we''re 21 and don''t feel ready to have children yet, we also not only can''t afford the cost of raising children, but also can''t afford the cost of obtaining them since we can''t create them pretty much cost free as many others can.

It''s just so complicated. Add to that that if we were to have kids we would have a whole new mess of legal problems in addition to the ones we already have, and it''s scary to think about the complications of not having a legally-bound family, or, in many states and almost all non-domestic adoption programs, not being eligible to adopt [or foster in some cases] children to begin with. Then add all of the people who wouldn''t even artificially inseminate us... the stress headaches are already setting in just typing it!

As for the type of world they grow up in... Mara, I have had similar thoughts. Perhaps I am just jaded, but sometimes this world seems like such a complicated place for a child to live. And being *my* child this kid would face even more than the usual kid hardships. Do I feel okay putting a kid in that position? Or does that show that not only do other people not respect us as a couple/family, but also that we don''t respect ourselves enough to think we deserve better than that? And then I see some kids who are just MEAN to each other. Like, really horrible. DW''s little brother is 14 and the stuff he deals with at school is just awful. I don''t know what I would do or how I would handle it if he were my child. Part of that is because I''m not ready to have a kid, but I wonder if I would ever be up for that challenge or be a good enough parent to keep my kid from turning out the same way.

Now that this post has become entirely about me [

I hope you meant it when you asked for experiences!] I guess all I can say is that it''s the "Great Unknown"-- there''s no way to know what you would do or think or feel or want until it happens to you, but that''s a normal feeling. Figuring out what''s right for you might take a lot of time, but you''ll figure out what''s right.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

well, we have five and it''s a LOT of kids, a lot of expense, a lot of never-ending laundry, a lot of homework, a lot of poop, and a lot of unconditional love that comes back at you in smiles, wet kisses, i''m sorries, mushy things, glued things, sticky things, shiny things, your things, hugs, tugs, pulls, tickles, even licks...

i have been worrying about the economy latey(who hasn''t?) and dh and i are at an age where peers and friends are sending their first or lasts off to college(we are mid 40''s) paying off houses, even looking at retirement properties. we are still changing diapers, and also texting and emailing our college kids. when i was lamenting one day, dh said to me(and he''s right), he said, "when we got married, we never sat down and made it a goal to pay off our house by age blank, have a pile of cash in the bank xxx amount, travel to blank places. we DID say we wanted to have a happy, loving family life" and you know what? amid the exhaustion, hard work, sacrifice, dysfunction, we have done that. we would never change it. it is stressful and five is a big deal, to me anyway. we have had virtually no help(from grandparents or caregivers, nannies, whatever) so i feel able to relish in the great kids that i have and know i made them all and have helped them grow. i never planned my life out, thinking oh i''ll have 3 kids or whatever. we had two, took a break, had the third, took a break, wanted the fourth, couldn''t get him, then got four and five. we''ve had kids in our 20''s, our 30''s and 2 in our 40''s. i am slightly chub lately, but no gray hair, almost no wrinkles, i can still read and count, we have $$$ in the bank, our college kids are thriving, our middle schooler is growing into an awesome young man, and our two peanuts are cuddly, entertaining loves of our lives.

in my opinion, you are asking, so you are a little more than curious. i had my first baby young(24) and didn''t know what we''d gotten into. she''s almost 21 and my best friend in the world. the closeness and comraderie i feel with my older kids is the greatest gift in my life. having young adult children is a new and exciting kick in our lives. we also have the younger ones so we get a "do over" of morning cuddles, first day of pre-school and all the other memorable moments that come with parenthood.

i wouldn''t change a thing except maybe letting them cry a little, cuz i have had three really bad sleepers cuz i''m a pushover. i also would have invented "push presents" 20+ years ago cuz i''d be loaded with bling by now!

you will make the right decision for your life, you just will. sometimes i am sooo worn out from my little sh*ts but they are so special and so loved and so wanted and i can''t believe that at my age, i get to relive it all again. i''m all for motherhood, but if you decide you are not, that''s ok too. your little heart will let you know.....

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/15/2009 1:16:17 AM
Author: snowflakeluvr
well, we have five and it''s a LOT of kids, a lot of expense, a lot of never-ending laundry, a lot of homework, a lot of poop, and a lot of unconditional love that comes back at you in smiles, wet kisses, i''m sorries, mushy things, glued things, sticky things, shiny things, your things, hugs, tugs, pulls, tickles, even licks...

LOL! I love that! So cute!

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 1/15/2009 1:16:17 AM
Author: snowflakeluvr
well, we have five and it''s a LOT of kids, a lot of expense, a lot of never-ending laundry, a lot of homework, a lot of poop, and a lot of unconditional love that comes back at you in smiles, wet kisses, i''m sorries, mushy things, glued things, sticky things, shiny things, your things, hugs, tugs, pulls, tickles, even licks...

i have been worrying about the economy latey(who hasn''t?) and dh and i are at an age where peers and friends are sending their first or lasts off to college(we are mid 40''s) paying off houses, even looking at retirement properties. we are still changing diapers, and also texting and emailing our college kids. when i was lamenting one day, dh said to me(and he''s right), he said, ''when we got married, we never sat down and made it a goal to pay off our house by age blank, have a pile of cash in the bank xxx amount, travel to blank places. we DID say we wanted to have a happy, loving family life'' and you know what? amid the exhaustion, hard work, sacrifice, dysfunction, we have done that. we would never change it. it is stressful and five is a big deal, to me anyway. we have had virtually no help(from grandparents or caregivers, nannies, whatever) so i feel able to relish in the great kids that i have and know i made them all and have helped them grow. i never planned my life out, thinking oh i''ll have 3 kids or whatever. we had two, took a break, had the third, took a break, wanted the fourth, couldn''t get him, then got four and five. we''ve had kids in our 20''s, our 30''s and 2 in our 40''s. i am slightly chub lately, but no gray hair, almost no wrinkles, i can still read and count, we have $$$ in the bank, our college kids are thriving, our middle schooler is growing into an awesome young man, and our two peanuts are cuddly, entertaining loves of our lives.

in my opinion, you are asking, so you are a little more than curious. i had my first baby young(24) and didn''t know what we''d gotten into. she''s almost 21 and my best friend in the world. the closeness and comraderie i feel with my older kids is the greatest gift in my life. having young adult children is a new and exciting kick in our lives. we also have the younger ones so we get a ''do over'' of morning cuddles, first day of pre-school and all the other memorable moments that come with parenthood.

i wouldn''t change a thing except maybe letting them cry a little, cuz i have had three really bad sleepers cuz i''m a pushover. i also would have invented ''push presents'' 20+ years ago cuz i''d be loaded with bling by now!

you will make the right decision for your life, you just will. sometimes i am sooo worn out from my little sh*ts but they are so special and so loved and so wanted and i can''t believe that at my age, i get to relive it all again. i''m all for motherhood, but if you decide you are not, that''s ok too. your little heart will let you know.....

Great post!!!

 

[Mara]

snowflake your post was excellent, i got a little emotional reading it and i am not an emotional person (i blame pms!)...

deep inside we both do want a child of our own...but it''s so easy to just be ''distracted'' by all the OVER-THINKING you can do when you are in a position like we are. which is... not spring chickens, planning for sooner-rather-than-later-retirement, enjoying our lives but working really way too hard for what we have... and think about the reasons why we maybe shouldn''t ''rock the boat''.

in this case i have always thought that ignorance is bliss. if our parents all thought this hard about having us...i bet half of us wouldn''t be here!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 1/15/2009 5:05:32 PM
Author: Mara
snowflake your post was excellent, i got a little emotional reading it and i am not an emotional person (i blame pms!)...

deep inside we both do want a child of our own...but it''s so easy to just be ''distracted'' by all the OVER-THINKING you can do when you are in a position like we are. which is... not spring chickens, planning for sooner-rather-than-later-retirement, enjoying our lives but working really way too hard for what we have... and think about the reasons why we maybe shouldn''t ''rock the boat''.

in this case i have always thought that ignorance is bliss. if our parents all thought this hard about having us...i bet half of us wouldn''t be here!

That''s just it, Mara. You can''t overthink having children. You''ll drive yourself crazy if you do that!

I agree with those who have said that there isn''t a "right" time to have children - because there isn''t. If DH and I had waited for this or that or whatever then we''d be waiting forever.

Your life will change drastically when a child enters your life but that doesn''t have to be a bad thing. You''ll also grow with your kids so to speak. You get used to one stage and then move on to another, more exciting, one.

 

[jewelgal]

Hey gals! Sorry I''ve been out working and not feeling well this week. I agree....like how can i leave my child at daycare for 8 hours a day?
I think it would bother me and at that point it''s too late - i can''t quit work so i''d be stuck with being miserable about it.
Then what? Need 2 salaries u know? I thought about throwing caution to the wind like u guys suggested and I got so SCARED
that i was relieved when mother nature came along if u know what i mean. I really was terrified of the thought. I couldn''t imagine
early mornings when the weight of all the responsibilites of going to work/paying the bills is at its highest - when ur tired and u don''t want to go thru
all the routine and driving to work and working all day etc. and all that crossed my mind and then i imagined - what if i had a baby in the next room? what if i had that on top of me too? wow i didn''t like the worry that it would bring me - a huge weight of responsibility. w/o a kid i can pick up and go , leave, move, whatever if i really wanted. once u got a kid u r locked into place ( i feel w/ me). hours at daycare on top of it? i already feel like life is passing me by and days FLY by
and the next thing i know i''m back at work . is this what life is about? running a rat race to try to have an ok future? and to pay the bills?
it''s ridiculous. anyway, that''s the latest ....... pls chime in!

 

[FrekeChild]

I know someone who regrets having kids. And I don''t blame her. She has raised the most selfish, whiny, spoiled, obnoxious, self-centered human beings I have ever had the *honor* of knowing. She has given them every single thing they have ever asked for, and now they walk all over her. They are under the impression that society will coddle them just as their mother has.

And she''s told me numerous times that she regrets having them. I would say that it was only at times where they were particularly frustrating or a PITA, but it''s not. I can''t tell you how many times she''s ranted to me about how many things she has lost to her children, her figure, her privacy, her money, just to name a few.

It''s sad. And what makes it even more sad is that it has affected FI and I. I''ve always been on the fence about kids. I''ve considered having them and I''ve considered not having them. But seeing her and how her children have turned out (and I''ve taken enough developmental and family psychology classes to know that she is far from being blameless in what they have become) it makes both of us not want to have children at all. Biological children are out regardless because of his medical history (heart defects, heart disease, cancer, and diabetes) and my unknown medical history (adopted), so we''d have to adopt if we wanted any. But when you''re around those two children, it really really really makes you reconsider having your own. Yes, they are that bad.

I could say A LOT more but I think it''s in my best interest not to.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/22/2009 10:39:11 PM
Author: jewelgal
Hey gals! Sorry I''ve been out working and not feeling well this week. I agree....like how can i leave my child at daycare for 8 hours a day?
I think it would bother me and at that point it''s too late - i can''t quit work so i''d be stuck with being miserable about it.
Then what? Need 2 salaries u know? I thought about throwing caution to the wind like u guys suggested and I got so SCARED
that i was relieved when mother nature came along if u know what i mean. I really was terrified of the thought. I couldn''t imagine
early mornings when the weight of all the responsibilites of going to work/paying the bills is at its highest - when ur tired and u don''t want to go thru
all the routine and driving to work and working all day etc. and all that crossed my mind and then i imagined - what if i had a baby in the next room? what if i had that on top of me too? wow i didn''t like the worry that it would bring me - a huge weight of responsibility. w/o a kid i can pick up and go , leave, move, whatever if i really wanted. once u got a kid u r locked into place ( i feel w/ me). hours at daycare on top of it? i already feel like life is passing me by and days FLY by
and the next thing i know i''m back at work . is this what life is about? running a rat race to try to have an ok future? and to pay the bills?
it''s ridiculous. anyway, that''s the latest ....... pls chime in!

Emotionally, its hard. But daycares exist because parents need and use them. And these parents, the working moms, have more than one child so there has to be something good about it right

. I guess for me, I don''t even consider the fact that I''m working and will have to work after 12 weeks. I saw both sides of being a mom. My mom was a SAHM for all of my childhood and went into the workforce when I was 13 (brothers were 6 and 5). She never skipped a beat. I don''t ever remember not having breakfast or coming home without her being there. She was always around even though she was always working.

And yes for the most part its true: you can''t pick up and go, leave, move, with a child. Well you can, its just more difficult. But the way I see it is that the life of getting up and leaving, always moving, always doing something can get really exhausting. I''m lilke that now. There''s always something going on and I travel a lot, work too many hours. At first it was great, but now I''m just tired and I''m only 27. There isn''t a day that I don''t leave work without a headache. I have a bottle of excedrin tension headache at work, in my car, and at home. All of that moving has cut into my time to just live life. I''m looking forward to having a child and filling my time with visits to the park, play dates, birthday parties, etc.

I think you have to make the most out of your time.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 1/23/2009 4:31:15 AM
Author: FrekeChild
I know someone who regrets having kids. And I don't blame her. She has raised the most selfish, whiny, spoiled, obnoxious, self-centered human beings I have ever had the *honor* of knowing. She has given them every single thing they have ever asked for, and now they walk all over her. They are under the impression that society will coddle them just as their mother has.

And she's told me numerous times that she regrets having them. I would say that it was only at times where they were particularly frustrating or a PITA, but it's not. I can't tell you how many times she's ranted to me about how many things she has lost to her children, her figure, her privacy, her money, just to name a few.

Well, to draw a parallel argument, I know many people who talk about their husbands this way, who have bad attitudes and dump their negativity on their spouses. That didn't make me not want to get married! And I know a lot of people who's husbands are total A-holes. That doesn't make my husband an a-hole! My point is that unless you share many qualities with the woman in your story, it is unlikely you kids or your perspective on them will be the same.

ETA: Just to clarity, I'm not trying to criticize you for feeling iffy based on seeing this woman and her family, it sounds aweful! I'm just trying to point out that your experience may, and probably would be, very different

 

[janinegirly]

Reading the most recent posts on this thread makes me want to hug my little baby girl--I'm so happy I had her without questioning every single thing that would be a PIA before having her. Because then I might have thought twice! Yes to all those descriptions--it's tough waking up earlier on top of everything else. I'm doing a 2 hr commute each way a day and come home at 8pm (if I leave at 530!) and my little girl can barely keep her eyes open when I walk in the door! But you know I don't CARE about the 2 hrs or the NO SLEEP or that I wash my hair less and less (no time) and haven't seen a movie in months. I know this set up is temporary and in the big picture, the choices we made now will make things more ideal then they ever would have been if I had not had her.

I'm trying to make a point here (not well) in that you do what you need to do to make things best for the child (which in turn makes us HAPPY) even though from an outside perspective it might not seem that way. Is my 2 hr commute good for her, no, but my mom is taking care of her lovingly which makes me feel better so I put up with the commute and that works for ME, which is why we CHOSE to have that set up. I used to have the most carefree lifestlye..live in the City, walk to work, dinner out with friends, drinks on a weeknight, paychecks spent on a single pair of shoes--and you know what, I DO NOT MISS IT and wasn't really that happy back then. My DH meanwhile is in his 40's and was never sure he even wanted kids. Now I watch him melt when he sees the baby--it's truly the sweetest thing ever.

I know being 2 working parents means we will have savings someday (hopefully sooner vs. later) to have the ideals we strive for including options to not work and have a pleasant lifestyle once the baby is older and more aware. In the short future we will be moving closer to the City to reduce the commute. By then the baby will be older which makes things easier in terms of daycare (I have so many friends whose kids can't wait to get to daycare to see all their friends,etc. As they get older the benefits of socialization becomes even more tangible, so it certainly is not all bad!). It's all a process and it all makes sense even though quite a bit of it happens/is decided as we go along. It's not so cut and dry, black and white, right or wrong. But the feeling of seeing your baby be happy (yes even if she doesn't see you 8hrs some days!) and healthy is incredibly fullfilling, it makes me thankful even when I'm exhausted and drained. I don't question things constantly because I am aware enough to know I thought about this before and that this is part of something bigger. My baby will not be in daycare indefinitely and I will not be commuting/working/exhausted forever. Without me working NOW, that might not be something I could say.

Just some insight from another perspective. Not meant to be taken as judgement of others' choices or thoughts.

 

[disneybride]

Freke, I''m not sure what to make of your post. I am on the fence about having children myself, and if I decided not to it would not be because of what lies in my family''s medical hx. I was born with several undiagnosed heart defects, had emergency heart surgery at 2 1/2 years old, and am doing just fine in my mid 20s. There is also heart disease, diabetes, and cancer in my family. There''s something underlying in every family, and if people chose not to have children based on that alone there wouldn''t be any future generations.

 

[FrekeChild]

Oh I have nothing in common with this woman. No worries there. I know I am perfectly capable of raising a decent human being (providing the child's personality cooperates of course). Her experience has had more of an effect on FI than myself. He has had to deal with this situation more than I have though. I know that if we chose to adopt our experience will be nothing like hers. And yes, hers has been bad, but I've only let on with the tip of the iceberg.

This is a very very sticky subject for me at the moment. When we told FI's father and his wife (she's a B and FI and his sister don't want anything to do with her) that we were engaged and getting married, she decided to lay it on me that my life would not be complete without children and it ended very very badly.

BTW, FI's open heart surgery was to have a valve replaced if he didn't want to have to have a heart transplant or die around the age of 28. He will have to have that surgery again in 10 or so years. And then again in 10-15 years. And on and on for the rest of his life. Not to mention the medication he will have to take. He is less than pleased with this and wouldn't wish it on anyone else. Hence, the no bio kids unless there is an accident.

Nothing that anyone outside of FI or I is going to have an effect on our decision to adopt or not. I have many more reasons beyond health, and exposure to the woman and her two kids. Everyone has to choose for themselves. Period. Which is why the pressure on us to have kids from all of our family members is going to be futile.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Freke I''m sorry you are getting pressure from family! No one should do that to another person, whether to have kids or not is a completely personal decision.

 

[Haven]

Date: 1/22/2009 10:39:11 PM
Author: jewelgal
Hey gals! Sorry I've been out working and not feeling well this week. I agree....like how can i leave my child at daycare for 8 hours a day?
I think it would bother me and at that point it's too late - i can't quit work so i'd be stuck with being miserable about it.
Then what? Need 2 salaries u know? I thought about throwing caution to the wind like u guys suggested and I got so SCARED
that i was relieved when mother nature came along if u know what i mean. I really was terrified of the thought. I couldn't imagine
early mornings when the weight of all the responsibilites of going to work/paying the bills is at its highest - when ur tired and u don't want to go thru
all the routine and driving to work and working all day etc. and all that crossed my mind and then i imagined - what if i had a baby in the next room? what if i had that on top of me too? wow i didn't like the worry that it would bring me - a huge weight of responsibility. w/o a kid i can pick up and go , leave, move, whatever if i really wanted. once u got a kid u r locked into place ( i feel w/ me). hours at daycare on top of it? i already feel like life is passing me by and days FLY by
and the next thing i know i'm back at work . is this what life is about? running a rat race to try to have an ok future? and to pay the bills?
it's ridiculous. anyway, that's the latest ....... pls chime in!

I know that I certainly don't think this (the rat race) is what life is all about. I know that there was a time in my recent past that I thought DH and I both *had* to work full-time after we had children, but then I realized that that was only necessary to maintain a particular lifestyle.

I think that it's absolutely possible to shift your priorities and your spending to make any sort of situation work for your family. If you don't want to work when you have children, perhaps you just need to simplify your way of living. Maybe you have too much stuff. Maybe you can purchase a smaller home, or one in a less-expensive area, to give you the breathing room you need to be able to live on one salary.

There seems to be a lot of talk today about how families can now only survive if both parents work outside the home, but (in general) I think this situation is really just symptomatic of the fact that many people want to surround themselves with bigger, better, and more things. It's no secret that many Americans live on credit. How sad to think that some of us are working so hard each week to pay debts on things that we couldn't really afford in the first place?

You can make your life whatever you want it to be, Jewelgal. If you're content spending 40+ hours a week in the rat race, do it! If that's not good enough for you, examine the way you spend your income and see where you can spend less so maybe, just maybe, you can live a little more. *Disclaimer--I'm not saying any one type of job is a rat race, or not worth your time. It just sounds like Jewelgal is not totally satisfied with her situation, so I'm speaking to that.

As for the question about wondering about how other people are raising their children--I don't. I can say that as a high school teacher I am rarely surprised by a student's behavior and choices after I meet the parents. It is almost frightening how little time I need to spend with a parent to explain the root of their teenager's behavior. I can't let that scare me off, though. Besides, it's encouraging to see that these very difficult teenagers don't really *happen* to parents, that the parents' choices and behavior is a clear determinant of how their children develop.