Time running out to decide baby or not? Women w/ kids and without - help!

[jewelgal]

Well, I think that I wanted my dog for years and when I finally got her, I was overwhelmed with the responsibility AND I PLANNED EVERYTHING for her.
I read every book, etc. and was excited and wanted her! Then it was like , if my parents wanted her back then i would have considered it!
Plus even today i''m too tired and (lazy?) to feed her and take her out. cuz in the morning it''s so earl y when I go to work and when I get home
I''m beat. So what does that say? I don''t know!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 1/23/2009 4:59:43 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 1/22/2009 10:39:11 PM
Author: jewelgal
Hey gals! Sorry I''ve been out working and not feeling well this week. I agree....like how can i leave my child at daycare for 8 hours a day?
I think it would bother me and at that point it''s too late - i can''t quit work so i''d be stuck with being miserable about it.
Then what? Need 2 salaries u know? I thought about throwing caution to the wind like u guys suggested and I got so SCARED
that i was relieved when mother nature came along if u know what i mean. I really was terrified of the thought. I couldn''t imagine
early mornings when the weight of all the responsibilites of going to work/paying the bills is at its highest - when ur tired and u don''t want to go thru
all the routine and driving to work and working all day etc. and all that crossed my mind and then i imagined - what if i had a baby in the next room? what if i had that on top of me too? wow i didn''t like the worry that it would bring me - a huge weight of responsibility. w/o a kid i can pick up and go , leave, move, whatever if i really wanted. once u got a kid u r locked into place ( i feel w/ me). hours at daycare on top of it? i already feel like life is passing me by and days FLY by
and the next thing i know i''m back at work . is this what life is about? running a rat race to try to have an ok future? and to pay the bills?
it''s ridiculous. anyway, that''s the latest ....... pls chime in!

I know that I certainly don''t think this (the rat race) is what life is all about. I know that there was a time in my recent past that I thought DH and I both *had* to work full-time after we had children, but then I realized that that was only necessary to maintain a particular lifestyle.

I think that it''s absolutely possible to shift your priorities and your spending to make any sort of situation work for your family. If you don''t want to work when you have children, perhaps you just need to simplify your way of living. Maybe you have too much stuff. Maybe you can purchase a smaller home, or one in a less-expensive area, to give you the breathing room you need to be able to live on one salary.

There seems to be a lot of talk today about how families can now only survive if both parents work outside the home, but (in general) I think this situation is really just symptomatic of the fact that many people want to surround themselves with bigger, better, and more things. It''s no secret that many Americans live on credit. How sad to think that some of us are working so hard each week to pay debts on things that we couldn''t really afford in the first place?

You can make your life whatever you want it to be, Jewelgal. If you''re content spending 40+ hours a week in the rat race, do it! If that''s not good enough for you, examine the way you spend your income and see where you can spend less so maybe, just maybe, you can live a little more. *Disclaimer--I''m not saying any one type of job is a rat race, or not worth your time. It just sounds like Jewelgal is not totally satisfied with her situation, so I''m speaking to that.

As for the question about wondering about how other people are raising their children--I don''t. I can say that as a high school teacher I am rarely surprised by a student''s behavior and choices after I meet the parents. It is almost frightening how little time I need to spend with a parent to explain the root of their teenager''s behavior. I can''t let that scare me off, though. Besides, it''s encouraging to see that these very difficult teenagers don''t really *happen* to parents, that the parents'' choices and behavior is a clear determinant of how their children develop.

This is well said, Haven. To counter though I will say that there are some people who don''t really have a choice. Where I live, in Northwest Ohio the median income for a family of three is much lower that what is necessary to get approved for a mortgage on the "average" home. It''s not always wanting bigger, better and more expensive, but more about just trying to get by and do the best you can with what you have.

DH and I made the decision back in September to move in with his parents - our son was only about 9 or 10 weeks old at the time - we did it because otherwise there would be no way for us to be able to afford child care, rent, living expenses plus have money to save for our own place. There were other factors that went into us making this difficult decision (see my thread "Sacrifices") but we''re doing for our son because we want him to have a great start in life. It''s working out for us in the best way - I was able to take a 6 month maternity leave and begin working part-time, and we are saving nearly 100% of the money I earn.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 1/23/2009 9:15:34 AM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 1/22/2009 10:39:11 PM
Author: jewelgal
Hey gals! Sorry I''ve been out working and not feeling well this week. I agree....like how can i leave my child at daycare for 8 hours a day?
I think it would bother me and at that point it''s too late - i can''t quit work so i''d be stuck with being miserable about it.
Then what? Need 2 salaries u know? I thought about throwing caution to the wind like u guys suggested and I got so SCARED
that i was relieved when mother nature came along if u know what i mean. I really was terrified of the thought. I couldn''t imagine
early mornings when the weight of all the responsibilites of going to work/paying the bills is at its highest - when ur tired and u don''t want to go thru
all the routine and driving to work and working all day etc. and all that crossed my mind and then i imagined - what if i had a baby in the next room? what if i had that on top of me too? wow i didn''t like the worry that it would bring me - a huge weight of responsibility. w/o a kid i can pick up and go , leave, move, whatever if i really wanted. once u got a kid u r locked into place ( i feel w/ me). hours at daycare on top of it? i already feel like life is passing me by and days FLY by
and the next thing i know i''m back at work . is this what life is about? running a rat race to try to have an ok future? and to pay the bills?
it''s ridiculous. anyway, that''s the latest ....... pls chime in!

Emotionally, its hard. But daycares exist because parents need and use them. And these parents, the working moms, have more than one child so there has to be something good about it right

. I guess for me, I don''t even consider the fact that I''m working and will have to work after 12 weeks. I saw both sides of being a mom. My mom was a SAHM for all of my childhood and went into the workforce when I was 13 (brothers were 6 and 5). She never skipped a beat. I don''t ever remember not having breakfast or coming home without her being there. She was always around even though she was always working.

And yes for the most part its true: you can''t pick up and go, leave, move, with a child. Well you can, its just more difficult. But the way I see it is that the life of getting up and leaving, always moving, always doing something can get really exhausting. I''m lilke that now. There''s always something going on and I travel a lot, work too many hours. At first it was great, but now I''m just tired and I''m only 27. There isn''t a day that I don''t leave work without a headache. I have a bottle of excedrin tension headache at work, in my car, and at home. All of that moving has cut into my time to just live life. I''m looking forward to having a child and filling my time with visits to the park, play dates, birthday parties, etc.

I think you have to make the most out of your time.

Jewelgal - Fiery put this a good way. I''m a working mom and don''t feel guilty at all. I stayed at home with my son for six months and that was enough for me. You may find, once you have kids, that you are not cut out to be a SAHM. I''ve always felt that I''d have a career, kids or no kids (and I was on the fence about having kids for a long time). I work part-time (30 hours per week) and my MIL cares for my son on her days off and then we have a part-time sitter. Our son, James, loves her and loves going there because he has friends there. It''s great social time for him and gives him a chance to be exposed to things that he wouldn''t otherwise be exposed to.

Life after a baby isn''t as easy as life before a baby, just more interesting and much more fun

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 1/23/2009 9:48:44 PM
Author: jewelgal
Well, I think that I wanted my dog for years and when I finally got her, I was overwhelmed with the responsibility AND I PLANNED EVERYTHING for her.
I read every book, etc. and was excited and wanted her! Then it was like , if my parents wanted her back then i would have considered it!
Plus even today i''m too tired and (lazy?) to feed her and take her out. cuz in the morning it''s so earl y when I go to work and when I get home
I''m beat. So what does that say? I don''t know!

Well, maybe you don''t want kids then! That''s okay, you know... Dogs and kids are not the same, but I do think there are parallels. I wonder if the voice urging you to have kids is a "should" voice or an "ought" voice rather than your true desires?

On the other hand, I wonder if your anxiety partly comes from imagining looking after a child all by yourself. I notice you said "I look after my dog" and didn''t mention your hubby''s contribution? Are you thinking this will happen with children too? It takes two people--at least!!--to raise a child IMHO. And this opinion comes from a woman raised by a single-parent mother! My grandparents and family friends were very very involved in my upbringing and made it possible for my mom to raise me without becoming overwhelmed or too stressed out. When I think about trying to look after our baby by myself I feel like going mental too!

That''s why my DH is taking 6 weeks parental leave to be there in the beginning...

Anyways, my point is that I wonder if your anxiety comes from imagining doing things alone rather than doing them with the help of your partner and family and friends?

Again, I''m not trying to convince yo uto have kids, just thinking out loud since you are wanting input...

 

[HollyS]

I think everything that jewelgal needed to hear has been said . . . I just wanted to chime in with my story.

As some of you know, I''ll be 50 this spring; didn''t marry until 48; have no children from the years prior to my DH; but what you wouldn''t know is that I had a pregnancy ''scare'' last summer.

June, July and August came and went without a cycle. Uh oh. I couldn''t even bring myself to buy a test to do at home. I made an appointment, and much to my relief, it was just a friendly

from the start of perimenopause. But this episode brought up feelings I thought were dead and buried.

I thought being a mom was just one of those things I would do. Naturally. Raise kids with a husband. I didn''t think about the how, when, or what of having and raising kids; it was a foregone conclusion. And then I didn''t marry. And I got older and still didn''t marry. (I would not have had a child out of wedlock, because that just wasn''t right for me.) Then I met my DH. We were still young enough at 35 and 39 to have them . . . .but our relationship wasn''t ready for commitment. Ten years of becoming best friends with each other later, we decided we were ready for marriage. But it was too late for the kids; the kids I had wanted. And I thought it was fine and I had moved past it. We were okay as is.

Then there was that moment when it became a distinct possibility, and it was scary, worrying, and . . . wistful. Maybe. But what about the problems at my age? The bigger probability of problems with a baby? If we were pregnant, and decided to keep it, what would we do if we miscarried, or if there were abnormalities? And dear lord, we would be 68 and 72 when this child graduated from HS!! In the end, we decided that we would accept the problems if we were to have a child. And then . . . we weren''t having a child. While we let out our breath in sighs of relief, we each had a moment of ''what might have been''.

Now, having daydreamed for a day or two about motherhood in my advancing years, I can assure you that I know I''m better off sans baby. (I would have been due next month, if I had really been pregnant.) A baby would definitely NOT fit my plans, my retirement funds would disappear; and since I''m already old and tired and seemingly unable to keep myself on a schedule, a baby would just exhaust and befuddle me further. I really am glad we aren''t preggers.

But, don''t you see my point, jewelgal? Even if you aren''t ''ready'', you''ll be ready. If you have time, and you think you would regret not having a child later, don''t worry about the ''what ifs''. You''re smart; you can handle the ''what ifs''.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/24/2009 4:58:04 PM
Author: HollyS
I think everything that jewelgal needed to hear has been said . . . I just wanted to chime in with my story.

As some of you know, I''ll be 50 this spring; didn''t marry until 48; have no children from the years prior to my DH; but what you wouldn''t know is that I had a pregnancy ''scare'' last summer.

June, July and August came and went without a cycle. Uh oh. I couldn''t even bring myself to buy a test to do at home. I made an appointment, and much to my relief, it was just a friendly

from the start of perimenopause. But this episode brought up feelings I thought were dead and buried.

I thought being a mom was just one of those things I would do. Naturally. Raise kids with a husband. I didn''t think about the how, when, or what of having and raising kids; it was a foregone conclusion. And then I didn''t marry. And I got older and still didn''t marry. (I would not have had a child out of wedlock, because that just wasn''t right for me.) Then I met my DH. We were still young enough at 35 and 39 to have them . . . .but our relationship wasn''t ready for commitment. Ten years of becoming best friends with each other later, we decided we were ready for marriage. But it was too late for the kids; the kids I had wanted. And I thought it was fine and I had moved past it. We were okay as is.

Then there was that moment when it became a distinct possibility, and it was scary, worrying, and . . . wistful. Maybe. But what about the problems at my age? The bigger probability of problems with a baby? If we were pregnant, and decided to keep it, what would we do if we miscarried, or if there were abnormalities? And dear lord, we would be 68 and 72 when this child graduated from HS!! In the end, we decided that we would accept the problems if we were to have a child. And then . . . we weren''t having a child. While we let out our breath in sighs of relief, we each had a moment of ''what might have been''.

Now, having daydreamed for a day or two about motherhood in my advancing years, I can assure you that I know I''m better off sans baby. (I would have been due next month, if I had really been pregnant.) A baby would definitely NOT fit my plans, my retirement funds would disappear; and since I''m already old and tired and seemingly unable to keep myself on a schedule, a baby would just exhaust and befuddle me further. I really am glad we aren''t preggers.

But, don''t you see my point, jewelgal? Even if you aren''t ''ready'', you''ll be ready. If you have time, and you think you would regret not having a child later, don''t worry about the ''what ifs''. You''re smart; you can handle the ''what ifs''.

That''s a lovely and honest post Holly. I know you and DH would have been fine if you were preggers (and raised another fine republican, hehe!!!) But I am glad you are very happy with your life and I think you are a smart chick for doing things when the time is right and not because you were "supposed" to do them.

Kind of an interesting story...a coworker of mine was very happy with her husband. They were affluent, lived in New York and she was a lovely lovely lady. At about 48 years old, the baby bug bit her unbelievably strongly. She brought it up with her husband who was absolutely happy with their lives and wouldn''t even give it a minute''s thought.

However, she could not shake the the feeling that she should have been a mom. Biologically it was too late. Long story short, she chose motherhood over her husband and they separated. She adopted a baby girl from China and when everything finally went through, she was 50 years old.

There were lots of varying opinions amongst our circle on what she did, but I can say she had no regrets. She loves her daughter and says her life really became meaningful once Alison came into her life. I believe her husband eventually came around and is part of their lives, but it has been a few years since I have spoken to her. She moved to out California shortly before the adoption and finalized the divorce and I think they are still divorced but are still friendly. It blew my mind that she''d give up a pretty secure life, a husband she still cared for, and much more to have a chance to love a child.

Who would have thought someone could be bitten by the baby bug so badly? She had no desire beforehand to ever have a child. Go figure...

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 1/24/2009 4:58:04 PM
Author: HollyS
I think everything that jewelgal needed to hear has been said . . . I just wanted to chime in with my story.

As some of you know, I''ll be 50 this spring; didn''t marry until 48; have no children from the years prior to my DH; but what you wouldn''t know is that I had a pregnancy ''scare'' last summer.

June, July and August came and went without a cycle. Uh oh. I couldn''t even bring myself to buy a test to do at home. I made an appointment, and much to my relief, it was just a friendly

from the start of perimenopause. But this episode brought up feelings I thought were dead and buried.

I thought being a mom was just one of those things I would do. Naturally. Raise kids with a husband. I didn''t think about the how, when, or what of having and raising kids; it was a foregone conclusion. And then I didn''t marry. And I got older and still didn''t marry. (I would not have had a child out of wedlock, because that just wasn''t right for me.) Then I met my DH. We were still young enough at 35 and 39 to have them . . . .but our relationship wasn''t ready for commitment. Ten years of becoming best friends with each other later, we decided we were ready for marriage. But it was too late for the kids; the kids I had wanted. And I thought it was fine and I had moved past it. We were okay as is.

Then there was that moment when it became a distinct possibility, and it was scary, worrying, and . . . wistful. Maybe. But what about the problems at my age? The bigger probability of problems with a baby? If we were pregnant, and decided to keep it, what would we do if we miscarried, or if there were abnormalities? And dear lord, we would be 68 and 72 when this child graduated from HS!! In the end, we decided that we would accept the problems if we were to have a child. And then . . . we weren''t having a child. While we let out our breath in sighs of relief, we each had a moment of ''what might have been''.

Now, having daydreamed for a day or two about motherhood in my advancing years, I can assure you that I know I''m better off sans baby. (I would have been due next month, if I had really been pregnant.) A baby would definitely NOT fit my plans, my retirement funds would disappear; and since I''m already old and tired and seemingly unable to keep myself on a schedule, a baby would just exhaust and befuddle me further. I really am glad we aren''t preggers.

But, don''t you see my point, jewelgal? Even if you aren''t ''ready'', you''ll be ready. If you have time, and you think you would regret not having a child later, don''t worry about the ''what ifs''. You''re smart; you can handle the ''what ifs''.

What an wonderful post, Holly! I especially like this last part... there are a few women PSers who found themselves unexpectedly preggo, and I have some friends who went through that too, and in each case they had the same reactions that you described. "Aaaaaaaah!" combined with "wow" and then a growing feeling of happiness and excitement.

 

[Haven]

Date: 1/23/2009 10:08:32 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007

This is well said, Haven. To counter though I will say that there are some people who don''t really have a choice. Where I live, in Northwest Ohio the median income for a family of three is much lower that what is necessary to get approved for a mortgage on the ''average'' home. It''s not always wanting bigger, better and more expensive, but more about just trying to get by and do the best you can with what you have.

DH and I made the decision back in September to move in with his parents - our son was only about 9 or 10 weeks old at the time - we did it because otherwise there would be no way for us to be able to afford child care, rent, living expenses plus have money to save for our own place. There were other factors that went into us making this difficult decision (see my thread ''Sacrifices'') but we''re doing for our son because we want him to have a great start in life. It''s working out for us in the best way - I was able to take a 6 month maternity leave and begin working part-time, and we are saving nearly 100% of the money I earn.

I definitely understand that some people don''t have a choice, of course. However, if a family lives n a location where the income potential does not match the cost of living, but it is a priority to stay in that location, they ARE making a choice.

I think that the choice you and your DH made is a perfect illustration of what I was trying to say. You figured out your priorities, made some difficult decisions about where and how to live, and made it happen. I think it''s wonderful. I think you are far braver than many American families, and I think in the end you will be very proud of the choices you made.

My own parents chose to move our family in with their best friends for ten months when I was in the 7th grade. Two families, one small raised ranch. It was actually a lot of fun for all of us kids, and the move allowed my parents to save the money they needed to put a down payment on a home (we had been renting a townhome until then,) and it saved their best friends from foreclosing on their home. I know there was a lot of concern about how the move would be viewed by outsiders, but in the end, my parents chose to do what was best for the family, and they did.

Holly--Your post was wonderful.

Jewelgal--Sorry for the minor threadjack, I just think your questions have raised a lot of new, interesting questions, as well.

 

[Po10472]

Date: 1/14/2009 3:14:21 AM
Author: trillionaire
You can adopt. Lots of children need loving parents. Your time is not running out.

ETA: I am with Mara... I think a lot about the world around us, and the atmosphere in which I would be raising kids. If I decide on kids, I will adopt. This world isn''t good enough for anything I could produce genetically.

eh........wow!! so its just lesser beings that reproduce then is it? lol

 

[curlygirl]

Date: 1/24/2009 4:58:04 PM
Author: HollyS
I think everything that jewelgal needed to hear has been said . . . I just wanted to chime in with my story.

As some of you know, I'll be 50 this spring; didn't marry until 48; have no children from the years prior to my DH; but what you wouldn't know is that I had a pregnancy 'scare' last summer.

June, July and August came and went without a cycle. Uh oh. I couldn't even bring myself to buy a test to do at home. I made an appointment, and much to my relief, it was just a friendly

from the start of perimenopause. But this episode brought up feelings I thought were dead and buried.

I thought being a mom was just one of those things I would do. Naturally. Raise kids with a husband. I didn't think about the how, when, or what of having and raising kids; it was a foregone conclusion. And then I didn't marry. And I got older and still didn't marry. (I would not have had a child out of wedlock, because that just wasn't right for me.) Then I met my DH. We were still young enough at 35 and 39 to have them . . . .but our relationship wasn't ready for commitment. Ten years of becoming best friends with each other later, we decided we were ready for marriage. But it was too late for the kids; the kids I had wanted. And I thought it was fine and I had moved past it. We were okay as is.

Then there was that moment when it became a distinct possibility, and it was scary, worrying, and . . . wistful. Maybe. But what about the problems at my age? The bigger probability of problems with a baby? If we were pregnant, and decided to keep it, what would we do if we miscarried, or if there were abnormalities? And dear lord, we would be 68 and 72 when this child graduated from HS!! In the end, we decided that we would accept the problems if we were to have a child. And then . . . we weren't having a child. While we let out our breath in sighs of relief, we each had a moment of 'what might have been'.

Now, having daydreamed for a day or two about motherhood in my advancing years, I can assure you that I know I'm better off sans baby. (I would have been due next month, if I had really been pregnant.) A baby would definitely NOT fit my plans, my retirement funds would disappear; and since I'm already old and tired and seemingly unable to keep myself on a schedule, a baby would just exhaust and befuddle me further. I really am glad we aren't preggers.

But, don't you see my point, jewelgal? Even if you aren't 'ready', you'll be ready. If you have time, and you think you would regret not having a child later, don't worry about the 'what ifs'. You're smart; you can handle the 'what ifs'.

Holly, I love this post. Thank you for being so candid and sharing your story with us.

I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with my second child last year right around this time and boy was it a shock. My first was only 8 months old and we were NOT at all ready for more yet. But through all the anxiety and fear and doubt and regret, I survived and now have a beautiful 4 month old daughter who may not have been planned but she is the best unexpected surprise I've ever received. Is it hard? Yes, of course--especially since we live in a one bedroom apartment in one of the most expensive cities in the world! But somehow, we're making it work and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I don't look past today and it makes it easier to get to tomorrow...

 

[Porridge]

Making a list of pros and cons is a good idea, but it''s also a little too clinical for such a decision. I think you should make a list, talk about it, and reach a decision. Then give your decision a probation period, say 2 weeks or a month. Spend that month thinking about everything with that decision in mind, for example if you decide not to have children, think about things you''re doing now and things you are planning for the future from this point of view. Then after a month or whatever, think long and hard about how you feel about how your future looks like with the plans and thoughts you''ve been having for the past month. That should give you a clue as to what you really want.

I don''t know if what I said made much sense, but I did this when I was deciding between careers (not as huge a decision, I know!). I decided on one...after the month, I knew I really wanted the other!

 

[glitterata]

Well, I''ve read that studies show people''s self-reported day-to-day, moment-to-moment happiness goes down when they have children, and it really plummets when they''re living with teenagers. However, they usually say they''re glad they had children and rarely say they''re sorry they had children. They often say the children are the best thing in their lives.

My husband and I decided not to have children, and we''re happy with our decision. I bet if we had decided to have them we would have been happy with that decision too.

If you''re generally a happy person, you''ll probably be a happy person with or without children.

I think there are too many people on the planet and not enough tigers, and the more the human population expands, the fewer tigers (etc) there will be, until soon there will be none. So I think of my decision not to have children as a little hopeless gesture of goodwill toward tigers.

 

[jewelgal]

Thank you all for your posts!

Holly, thanks for the post - I really appreciated your story!

Porrige - That''s good advice. How do I do it again? Do u mean I should picture myself
with kids etc and then w/o? I have and it''s confusing. Like, I picture myself w/o kids and I want to get a vacation house one day.
If I have a kid, I don''t know if I would do that bec. it''s money going away from the child and it would be tight. But it''s something I''ve dreamed of
for 20 years.

I also think of all the things to do lists I have now. Just working and getting READY for work, making coffee, lunches, etc. feeding the dog,
laundry, house stuff, I''m tired and busy! Plus I like to read and putz around and travel (road trips). One day would love to see Europe.
Wouldn''t want to leave a baby behind, but wouldn''t want to take either for safety reasons. I am scared that I would lose myself and
my life would be for the child. I am scared that I would worry all the time and have NO peace of mind, which is something that I treasure.
I also am scared that I would feel overwhelmed and regret the decision because then I tied a double-knot - one that can never be untied, you know?
It''s very definite and that''s scary. I am a dreamer and dream of being in the movies someday or something. What if an opportunity came up and
I met a movie star and he swept me off my feet? I would be a tied-down mother. ugg. Anything can happen, right? or should I resolve that I will be
just an ordinary joe working for the rest of my life.............uggggggggggggggggg

But then on days like weekends, i want to bake and would love to have someone else around to enjoy those moments with me.
We would have fun as a family doing things together, but I would HATE day-to-day 24 hour stuff - monday-friday. I only want
the FUN times. I also dont have a room for the child. where would it go?

I also get annoyed because my IL''s because they throw their baby in our faces and get all the attention.

They are put on a pedestal and we are hard working people and get no credit.

It''s a slap in my face/our faces in my opinion. (by in laws). She doesn''t even work all day and doesn''t have to worry about bills.
I don''t wan tto be running my a** off all day at work and ask for favors for people to watch my baby and then I have to see people every day when i just want to be ALONE when I get home from work and unwind, take a nap or shower or whatever.

HELPPPPPPPPPPPP I''m driving myself crazy over here. Wish I didn''t ahve these feelings. I just odn''t want to regret it one way or the other. I hate feeling jealous at times that people ha ve a fantasy life and we''re running our butts off and can''t have a fantasy-family life . BUT on the other hand we are saving for a vacation home, not a baby. I WANT a vacation home and I''m saving. I guess if I "wanted" a kid I''d do it right? How does one talk themselves into having a kid?

SOrry for driivng u guys crazy but I think in time we''ll come to an answer and u are all amazing people and I thank you sooooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Porridge]

Hey Jewelgal! What I mean by that method is, make a decision and STICK TO IT! No changing of minds. All planning/dreaming etc that month MUST be done with that decision in mind. Say you decide to have a child. You''re sitting at work one day, and you and your co-worker''s daughter''s wedding is coming up. Think "that will be me one day!". Or you hear a story about a 3 year old throwing the only set of car keys down the toilet. Think "those things will happen to me too". You need at least a month to be used to the decision you made. Then after that month, think seriously about how all these things made you feel with that decision in mind. Did you think "how exciting to plan child''s wedding" or "kids do the craziest things {chuckle}". These are just little examples, but try to think about how everything felt when viewed from the point of view of your decision for the future. Are you filled with terror or longing??

This isn''t any kind of a proven method or anything. It''s just something I did when I was sick of swinging back and forth about career choices. 3 years down the line I know I made the right decision, but that''s just me.

Also, I''m an only child and was raised by 2 full-time working parents, both with demanding and time-consuming careers. They''re both very successful, and we also traveled a lot when I was growing up. I can answer questions about what that was like, for me and for them! But in short, I had a wonderful childhood.

I do have to say though, if I''m being brutally honest, just from your posts it doesn''t sound like you really want a child.

But life can surprise you!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Jewelgal even the people you think have a fairytale life do not. The fact of the matter is that you don''t have to sacrifice everything to have a child, and you don''t have to sacrifice your child to have the life you want. Many people do both, I think, and just make it work by finding a happy ground in the middle of the fantasy they thought they would live as parents and the fantasy they thought they would live as a childfree couple. I think a lot of your hesitation comes from some unrealistic ideas you have about parenting (e.g., you could "never" leave you child with a caregiver... welll why not?? Being absolute about thst just limits your choices) or unrealistic ideas about the course your life might take if you don''t have kids (e.g., a moviestar is going to sweep you off your feet. Really?).

 

[justjulia]

I do not know what my mother would have done without me when she was close to death. There are no words to express the profoundness of it.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 2/1/2009 10:35:28 PM
Author: jewelgal

What if an opportunity came up and

I met a movie star and he swept me off my feet? I would be a tied-down mother. ugg. Anything can happen, right?

HA HA HA HA HA! Should have thought about THAT before you got married, no?

Seriously, brava to you for taking so much thought about whether or not to become a mother. Parenthood is something so many people stumble into rather than plan for. If you decide to become a mother, your life will never be the same. All the things that you fret about now (like whether or not your hair looks good, wrinkles in your clothes, where you''ll eat out this weekend, etc.) will simply vanish from your mind because you''ll be too busy thinking of what''s best for your baby and your family. And fear - a person cannot know what real fear is like until they''ve been faced with being unable to help their child when they are sick or have had a life-threatening accident. Your heart will no longer be beating in your own chest, but rather in that of your beautiful bundle of joy. You''ll find yourself unable to get enough of the smell of your baby''s head (and believe me, each baby has an unmistakable scent that only mothers can smell). You''ll swear that you could kill a polar bear with your bare hands if someone so much as dares to touch a hair on that baby''s head without your permission. Your heart will be so flooded with overwhelming love that you never knew you could feel for another human being, and you will spend hours just watching that baby breathe.

No, life after motherhood will not be the same, but you will forget what it was like before having a baby. You will find yourself unable to imagine what it would be like having never had a child, and it will reduce you to tears to think you almost missed out on the greatest adventure in life...parenthood!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/3/2009 2:48:20 PM
Author: Winks_Elf

Date: 2/1/2009 10:35:28 PM
Author: jewelgal

What if an opportunity came up and

I met a movie star and he swept me off my feet? I would be a tied-down mother. ugg. Anything can happen, right?

HA HA HA HA HA! Should have thought about THAT before you got married, no?

Seriously, brava to you for taking so much thought about whether or not to become a mother. Parenthood is something so many people stumble into rather than plan for. If you decide to become a mother, your life will never be the same. All the things that you fret about now (like whether or not your hair looks good, wrinkles in your clothes, where you''ll eat out this weekend, etc.) will simply vanish from your mind because you''ll be too busy thinking of what''s best for your baby and your family. And fear - a person cannot know what real fear is like until they''ve been faced with being unable to help their child when they are sick or have had a life-threatening accident. Your heart will no longer be beating in your own chest, but rather in that of your beautiful bundle of joy. You''ll find yourself unable to get enough of the smell of your baby''s head (and believe me, each baby has an unmistakable scent that only mothers can smell). You''ll swear that you could kill a polar bear with your bare hands if someone so much as dares to touch a hair on that baby''s head without your permission. Your heart will be so flooded with overwhelming love that you never knew you could feel for another human being, and you will spend hours just watching that baby breathe.

No, life after motherhood will not be the same, but you will forget what it was like before having a baby. You will find yourself unable to imagine what it would be like having never had a child, and it will reduce you to tears to think you almost missed out on the greatest adventure in life...parenthood!

Kind of related to this, I was looking through some older photos and videos of my kid last night. I am usually the picture taker so I''m rarely in them. I was looking at a video and while I knew I was in it, it wasn''t until the end of the video that I realized I didn''t even look at myself once. Not that I''m vain or anything, but I think it''s kind of human nature to look at themselves first in a photo or video? I only had eyes for my daughter.

 

[Dancing Fire]

i'am 50 now.my older daughter is 22 1/2 and my younger one will be 21 in March. though i wish they were a few yrs older and independent.i have couple of friends that are still changing diapers in their early 50's. i would never be able to handle it. i can't imagine me chasing an 8 yr old around

in my late 50's

IMO...there're many advantages of having kids early in life. i have no regret of having kids,well ..most of the time

 

[jewelgal]

Thanks so much. Porrige - I''m gonna try that for one month!
Thank you to you all (i wish i could see the posts as i reply here, but i can''t and can''t remember all the names from each post)
but thanks and i appreciate that description of motherhood.

You know when I had maternal feelings when i was like 16-26. I bought baby name books, still have the long lists of names
in numerical order, i even have a little girl''s outfit in my basement believe it or not . I was planning on kids for my entire life.
Then when i got married those feelings went away. I didn''t feel "safe" anymore. This was real life and I had REAL bills - mortgage,
etc. and I now HAD to work.

I also had a bad start to my marriage. Problems w/ in-laws, a bad first apt experience , unexpected bills , etc.
I guess in the beginning i lost respect for DH possibly. I don''t really know why. I also had maternal feelings all those years
BECAUSE I was always around kids. Then those kids grew up and after age 6 or so, I''m not really interested . I guess to around 9 or so..
but I look at punk-kids in parking lots skateboarding and i''m like -that was a cute little baby boy in a crib a few years ago
and I''m so turned off.

suggestions about in laws that baby talk for hours to their grandson - and the wife and son throw it in our face a little bit
with the goo goo ga ga and it''s like so insensitive. we''r emarried a lot longer than them! they''re put on a pedestal. it''s annoying.



EHHHH!!!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Are they really, or are you just feeling that way because you''re sensitive about not having the kids and they do?

It sounds to me like you really do want to have children, but you''re afraid of the what-ifs. There are no guarantees in life except that parenthood is truly until death do you part. Trust me I know...I''m currently a divorced mother of four. I''ve been on my own since the baby was 3 weeks old. It''s amazing what you can handle when you have no choice.

 

[Noahsmom]

I haven''t read most of the replies...so I apologize if that is a pet peeve around here. This is touchy with me, just because I had that mind set too.

When DH and I got together, one of the first things I ever told him is that I don''t want kids. I couldn''t stand them, I don''t want to make my life using the booger sucker and wiping butts. Then 4 years later, we were surpised with our positive home test. Needless to say, I FREAKED out. I never really wanted to be a mom, I didn''t feel I had that maternal instinct, and to be brutally honest, I am a selfish person. I didn''t want to change who I was and where I was at in life with DH, we were so happy and getting to know each other as a married couple, and having a baby was going to ruin everything. I had those thoughts for about 45 seconds and realized I was going to be a MOM. I was going to have someone give me hugs and love me unconditionally. I was going to have a little boy/girl that I would get take family portraits, and see Santa and I get a play Easter Bunny. The thought that DH and I created such a marvelous being, even though he was a total surprise, still warms my heart. Sure we have bought a house together, we got our dogs together, but our son is something that is something we truly did together. Okay, I sound totally corny right now, but it''s true.

I refer to my hubby as my soulmate, but my DS is the love of my life (even if he does love to give me rocket poo, ok sorry TMI).

You sound like you know what you want, but you are just scared, and it is totally normal.

Good luck on your decision.

PS-If you have trouble with your in-laws there is a great message board I belong to (my IL''s suck something awful). Let me know if you would be interested in joining...I could tell you how to get there.

 

[swimmer]

Date: 2/5/2009 11:33:46 PM
Author: Noahsmom
I haven't read most of the replies...so I apologize if that is a pet peeve around here. This is touchy with me, just because I had that mind set too.


When DH and I got together, one of the first things I ever told him is that I don't want kids. I couldn't stand them, I don't want to make my life using the booger sucker and wiping butts. Then 4 years later, we were surpised with our positive home test. Needless to say, I FREAKED out. I never really wanted to be a mom, I didn't feel I had that maternal instinct, and to be brutally honest, I am a selfish person. I didn't want to change who I was and where I was at in life with DH, we were so happy and getting to know each other as a married couple, and having a baby was going to ruin everything. I had those thoughts for about 45 seconds and realized I was going to be a MOM. I was going to have someone give me hugs and love me unconditionally. I was going to have a little boy/girl that I would get take family portraits, and see Santa and I get a play Easter Bunny. The thought that DH and I created such a marvelous being, even though he was a total surprise, still warms my heart. Sure we have bought a house together, we got our dogs together, but our son is something that is something we truly did together. Okay, I sound totally corny right now, but it's true.


I refer to my hubby as my soulmate, but my DS is the love of my life (even if he does love to give me rocket poo, ok sorry TMI).


You sound like you know what you want, but you are just scared, and it is totally normal.


Good luck on your decision.

Very nicely put Noah's Mom. thank you for sharing.

ETA: I was reading this thread backwards, Holly that must have been intense, I can't even imagine the flood of emotions you and your DH experienced. Thank you for your insight.

 

[tradergirl]

Agree with you, glitterata. All you need to do is look at that obscenity going on in California (octuplets).

I would also bet that if you polled men that had kids, you''d find a higher percentage who wished they hadn''t or felt pressured into it. I know that will set off 50 posts from people saying that THEIR husbands are not like that, blah blah blah, but I work around mostly men and have for many years. This is what I am told.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Noahsmom, that was a great post! I can really relate to the awe of creating something together.

 

[atroop711]

I have 3 children (ages 8yr, 4yr and 3mo) and I love every minute of the craziness. I had my last child at 40 yr old. I was very hesitant because of my age but so glad I went for it. I don''t feel any different then when I was 32 with my first child.

The times can be frustrating (esp. when they get older and snippy) but those times don''t hold a candle to the amazing times that you stare at them and think...wow they are mine! I still can''t believe that these PPL all grew inside of me..totally amazing feeling to see their smiles when they see you. You heart just melts and their smiles make you bad days so much better.

 

[jewelgal]

had a baby in the house this weekend and gee, it was weird. not digging the crying and the constant attention.
i dont know if it is for me. seems strange.

not feelin'' it is the best way to describe it. then i wondered.................
is it not all those things i worry about? is it something more?

plus do u gals ever wonder if you are "in love" with your DH? Like do u ever wonder how life would be with someone else?
I enjoy coupledom and our bond as friends and all our experiences together over the years but wonder, could i be happier ?

can anyone out there admit to that?

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 2/8/2009 12:43:25 AM
Author: jewelgal
had a baby in the house this weekend and gee, it was weird. not digging the crying and the constant attention.

i dont know if it is for me. seems strange.

not feelin' it is the best way to describe it. then i wondered.................

is it not all those things i worry about? is it something more?


plus do u gals ever wonder if you are 'in love' with your DH? Like do u ever wonder how life would be with someone else?

I enjoy coupledom and our bond as friends and all our experiences together over the years but wonder, could i be happier ?


can anyone out there admit to that?

I think babies and kids are super cute, but I am not enamored with the whole "putting them before myself and my SO for 18 yrs" thing. Just being honest. I also don't think most people are good parents, and I would hate to be one of the bad parents that I shake my head at. Parenting is hard. I've met people who have said that they wouldn't have kids if they could do it all over. I don't want to be that parent.

And I agree about wondering what life would be like with someone else. I think part of that is because I am not married, so I think it's normal to wonder these things before you make the huge commitment of marriage. I have only dated one other person, and SO and I have been together for almost 5.5 yrs. I think it doesn't help that we are long distance. If I was single, though, I think I would take a long break from dating... like, years.

 

[jewelgal]

Thanks Trillionaire! I feel so much better when my feelings are validated> Thanks to u all too!
HOpe more chime in! I''ve been watching a baby story on tv and bringing home baby. looks overwhelming.
i don''t have any time as it is , how would i fit in a child? plus i don''t like teenagers or the problems that come with them.
just ages 0 to 5 or 6 or so. that''s it. so then what do i do?

 

[Octavia]

Jewelgal, when I read your post about the bad start to your marriage, I wondered whether it wasn't so much that you don't want kids, but that maybe you're not sure you want them with him. I don't know if that's true or not, but it's food for thought.

As far as wondering if I'd be happier with someone else, I'll admit to it. I'm not married yet, but I know already that married life is not going to be all wine and roses. By virtue of what my FI does for a living, which requires a lot of travel and could require an immense amount if he ends up doing what he really wants to do, there will be difficulties. I already stress about what it will be like to start a family knowing that he will be absent a fair amount of the time -- and I'm not sure I'm willing to be a quasi-single mom. I've never wanted kids that badly, but as our relationship progressed I realized that I do want a family with him. My FI and I have discussed those concerns and we're committed to finding solutions that work for us as a couple and a family. I'm sure that it will mean compromises for me that I never before dreamed I'd ever make. I'm sure there will be times when I'll wonder why I didn't choose a man who has a normal job and a settled life. BUT that man wouldn't be the one I fell in love with and the one I'm committing to spend my life with. So, I'm going into it with my eyes wide open, but I'm still deathly scared sometimes. I just have to trust that we're in it together and that we'll somehow make it work.

This is probably the most personal thing I've ever posted here, but I just want you to know that you're not alone.