Time running out to decide baby or not? Women w/ kids and without - help!

[vespergirl]

Hi Jewelgal, like yourself, I wasn''t sure whether I ever wanted children, but when I became accidentally pregnant at age 29 (despite contraception), after much thought, my then-boyfriend and I decided to get married and have the baby. He was more excited than I was at the time, because even though I thought that I would someday love my own children (if I decided to have them) I didn''t always love being around other peoples'' (this still holds true now that I have a child). Plus, we weren''t even married yet, so "timing was bad" - we had to plan a wedding in 7 weeks, and my husband had just started getting his MBA while still working full-time.

Fast-forward two years, and I can honestly tell you that having my son is the best thing I''ve ever done, and the life I had before him pales in comparison to the happiness that he brings me. I could never even imagine feeling the type of love I have for him before I had him - it''s so insanely intense and fulfilling. I have stayed at home with him since he was born, and sometimes that can be difficult because I don''t have any help at all during the week (only on weekends from my husband - we have no family near us), but it has worked out well for us. Since you are planning to go back to work, you will have the help and support of day-care workies, nannies or family, depending on your choices, so it wouldn''t be "going it alone." I can really only describe the experience of having a baby and toddler, and he has been great. I honestly thought that it would be much harder to raise him than it has so far.

I guess my advice would be to go for it - if you don''t have children, you may very well regret it someday. I don''t know anyone who''s had children who has ever said that they have regretted having them, but I do know several women in their 60s (my mom''s friends) who decided not to have kids, and now they very much wish they had had them, for a variety of reasons. Not to say that everyone should have kids - I know people who have never wanted kids & never had them, and are happy - but I do know that people who thought they may have wanted them, and didn''t, ultimately ended up regretting it. Again, not a judgment, just telling you what I have heard.

I just wanted to give you the perspective from another woman who was on the fence, decided to go for it, and couldn''t be happier

Good luck to you guys, whatever your decision!

 

[vespergirl]

I just wanted to mention something else that I forgot to say in my last post. I was also not one of the "maternal types" - I was barely interested in my younger brother and nephew when they were born, I NEVER owned a baby doll or pushed a baby carriage as a child (fashion dolls only for me!), and I was always more interested in older children (like teenagers) - I never loved being around young children. In fact, to this day, the idea of being a worker at a day-care center or a kindergarten teacher would be my idea of hell

I have had some friends (who need day-care for their kids) suggest that I open an at-home day-care since I am a SAHM, and I told them that they could never find someone less interested in watching other people''s children.

But when it comes to my son? I have thousands of pictures, dozens of hours of video, scrapbooks filled with his first everything, and I spend all day playing with him and reading to him. Everything is does is the best and cutest thing I''ve ever seen. And obviously, I would gladly give my life for his if i ever had to.

So basically, what I''m saying is, some women have a maternal instinct when it comes to THEIR OWN KIDS, even if we don''t care for other people''s. So, if you feel like maybe you''re not maternal, it may be because you''re not around your OWN child - I think there''s something about that bond that triggers maternal behavior.

 

[snlee]

TGal brings up a good point. If you and your DH are flexible either way, get yourself off BC and throw caution to the wind and see what happens. You''ll find your answer. How will you feel when you get your period, your period is late, you see a negative pregnancy test, etc.

 

[Steel]

Date: 1/8/2009 4:51:43 PM
Author: vespergirl
So basically, what I''m saying is, some women have a maternal instinct when it comes to THEIR OWN KIDS, even if we don''t care for other people''s. So, if you feel like maybe you''re not maternal, it may be because you''re not around your OWN child - I think there''s something about that bond that triggers maternal behavior.

I think this is how I might be. Remember Miranda in sex & the city, she said she hates all kids except Brady.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 1/8/2009 3:39:21 PM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 1/8/2009 9:25:29 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Jewelgal, I can relate. I will be 28 this year, I''ve been married for a little over a year and DH and I keep wavering on the baby timeline. The older I get, the more I feel like I can''t push it off anymore.

Neither of us is the type who were born to have children. We love our freedom, we love to travel, we love the thought of picking up and moving across the country or even to another country on a whim (though it''s telling that we never HAVE). We value our independence and are really loving where we are in our relationship right now (newlyweds). The bottom line is that we know we could have wonderful, fulfilling lives without children. The deciding factor for us, as sad as it sounds, is that we think we''d regret NOT having kids.

No reason why having kids should stop you - my parents moved to a tropical island when I was 3 where you couldn''t even get shoes or children''s clothes. I was dragged up all over the world and had a great experience. I wouldn''t change my childhood for anything.

Children are pretty adaptable.

Thanks for this, Pandora. My husband reminds me of this all the time and I''m really glad that he feels this way because I need to be reminded that we can provide a stable and loving environment even if things around us are changing.

Also, I always find it refreshing to read TGal''s thoughts on motherhood.

Jewel, one thing I always think to myself is "Am I ready to prioritize somebody else''s life over my own?" I can still prioritize myself within my marriage (and respect my husband for doing the same), but once we have a child we both know that we are no longer the priority. That''s hard for me.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/8/2009 5:00:22 PM
Author: Steel

Date: 1/8/2009 4:51:43 PM
Author: vespergirl
So basically, what I''m saying is, some women have a maternal instinct when it comes to THEIR OWN KIDS, even if we don''t care for other people''s. So, if you feel like maybe you''re not maternal, it may be because you''re not around your OWN child - I think there''s something about that bond that triggers maternal behavior.

I think this is how I might be. Remember Miranda in sex & the city, she said she hates all kids except Brady.

This is a good point and exactly how I am. Although I think it would be nice to be maternal to everyone, I''ll take what I can get.

I actually feel guilty for not feeling maternal toward other people''s kids. The other day, my friend''s son (who I actually do adore) took Amelia''s toy and ran with it. Amelia didn''t care, so I was kind of surprised to find myself kind of, I don''t know what the word is - maybe agitated by it? I obviously want Amelia to share and that starts with a parent knowing how to share, so I was fine in theory of letting the kid play with the toy. But I wasn''t happy about the kid drooling all over it! I''d probably be way worse with a kid I DIDN''T like!

Being a mom doesn''t make you a good and loving person though. If you have these qualities before, then you''re in good shape. If you''re selfish and unyielding, you might have a tougher road ahead of you as a mother.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 1/8/2009 12:41:18 AM
Author: Kaleigh
I knew from day one I wanted to be a Mom. If you really have to ask, perhaps it''s not for you? And that''s ok....

I echo what everyone else has said on this. My kids mean the world to me, and am so blessed to be their Mom. They are 20 and 18, so have been through it all. Health issues mostly. Asthma and JRA. Many hospital visits and stays when they were young. Talk about being worried. But wouldn''t trade that for the world, they are my heart. I adore them to pieces. I am not sure if this helps you, but wanted to respond.

Mini Thread Jack: Kaleigh, through my job I work with a lot of kids with JRA and that is a tough deal--I''m so sorry your child had to experience it. I hope that it is being controlled at this point. *Hugs*

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/8/2009 5:16:53 PM
Author: ladypirate

Date: 1/8/2009 12:41:18 AM
Author: Kaleigh
I knew from day one I wanted to be a Mom. If you really have to ask, perhaps it''s not for you? And that''s ok....

I echo what everyone else has said on this. My kids mean the world to me, and am so blessed to be their Mom. They are 20 and 18, so have been through it all. Health issues mostly. Asthma and JRA. Many hospital visits and stays when they were young. Talk about being worried. But wouldn''t trade that for the world, they are my heart. I adore them to pieces. I am not sure if this helps you, but wanted to respond.

Mini Thread Jack: Kaleigh, through my job I work with a lot of kids with JRA and that is a tough deal--I''m so sorry your child had to experience it. I hope that it is being controlled at this point. *Hugs*

Really? She''s doing great now, knock on wood. But did have to wear a leg brace when she was 18 months old. Not a fun deal, and endured lots of painful physical therapy. But have to say, she was a trooper through it all. She took Tolectin back then. I am glad I didn''t have the internet, ignorance was bliss for me. I do know kids can become blind from it, etc.... I know someone who had it severly as a child she''s crippled and blind.... I wish you could tell me more about what you do. Thanks for asking LP. You must help so many kids, that''s great. We took Ash to AI Dupont Hospital in Delaware, she got excellent care there.

 

[ChinaCat]

I have never been one to get all excited about the thought of a big wedding or a house full of kids. To be honest, it always sounded a bit depressing. Marriage scared me too- until I met DH and it''s been the easiest (and best) thing I''ve done so far.

As for kids- I have a lot of the same fears you have. I don''t think that means you shouldn''t have or don''t really want kids, I actually think it''s smart to be honest and consider the reality. I have a lot of friends that are dying for babies and have NO idea what it''s really like. I love my life the way it is, I love the freedom we have to travel, sleep in late, go to a spontaneous dinner. I love quiet time. That being said, I am pregnant now (pretty early, still 1st trimester). I know all of those things will change, and I have to trust that it will be worth it in the end. And I am willing to give them up for something bigger than me.

For me, it came down to would I regret not having kids? And I knew I would regret not at least trying. I had a great childhood, am one of 3 kids, and I can''t imagine not having a family like that. I was not 100% ready when we got pregnant. I am still freaking out- but I think it''s a good thing.

Also, and this may sound silly, but part of the reason I began to consider it was b/c of my dog. I had never had a dog before, but he is just the love of my life. And when he was a puppy, I was up every three hours with him, I cleaned up his vomit and poop at 3 am when he got sick, I cut short nights out to go home and let him out when he was a puppy, etc. And I never minded, I would do anything for him, he''s my responsibility and when you love something unconditionally like that, there''s nothing you won''t do to take care of it. Now I know a puppy is not a baby- but for the first time in my life, I willingly put something else in front of my own needs and desires. And I thought, maybe I can do this kid thing. Silly I know, but it really helped me.

Also, I am not sure where they are, but I think Tgal has some posts- probably in the preggo thread- that really resonated with me and reallly made me think that if she can do it, I can do it. Tgal does not romanticize things and yet her description of her daughter and how she feels about her was a very beautiful thing to read.

In the end, only you know what you can live with and what you can''t. Good luck!!!!

 

[Haven]

Date: 1/8/2009 5:00:22 PM
Author: Steel

Date: 1/8/2009 4:51:43 PM
Author: vespergirl
So basically, what I''m saying is, some women have a maternal instinct when it comes to THEIR OWN KIDS, even if we don''t care for other people''s. So, if you feel like maybe you''re not maternal, it may be because you''re not around your OWN child - I think there''s something about that bond that triggers maternal behavior.

I think this is how I might be. Remember Miranda in sex & the city, she said she hates all kids except Brady.

I can definitely relate to this. I''ve always had the maternal instinct, but it''s never been for other people''s babies. I think babies kind of smell funny, and I really dislike it when new mommies force me to hold their small babies. I don''t want to hold them. And I think all babies look like my grandpa, so it makes me feel kind of badly for them.

HOWEVER, I don''t have kids of my own yet. But I do feel the maternal instinct for my future children, and for the family I hope I''ll have the opportunity to create with my wonderful husband. For what it''s worth, my mom is the same way. She hates babies, but she loves her own girls, she says she fell in love with us the moment she learned she was pregnant. And she was scared that wouldn''t happen, but it did.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Jewelgal - first, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your avatar! My rings are similar. Anyways - I was on the fence for a long time about having children. I felt a lot like Tgal. I worried (and worry) about everything. Not just the baby stuff - but the toddler stuff, the school-aged kid stuff, the teenager stuff and the grown children stuff.

I didn''t particularly like other people''s kids (still don''t) but I absolutely love my son more than anything in the world. For me it was strange because I got bit by the baby bug, waited a bit to tell DH (in case I changed my mind), and then got pregnant the first month we tried. James has changed my life in so many ways - but in so many good ways. He''s the light of our lives and he is so cherished by us and we feel so blessed to have such a wonderful child.

Being a mom is hard work. You won''t always feel good about the decisions that you make, but in the end I think we all want what''s best for our children. Watching a child grow and learn is the most amazing experience I''ve ever had and I wouldn''t trade it for anything. You will grow and learn as your children do so I guess that makes it easier for me.

Pregnancy is tough. You get fat, feel sick, crave the nastiest food, feel very tired, bloat up and lose your waist and ankles, but it''s for a better cause

. Labor is a pain in the a$$, literally for some, and recovery is hard too - but, again, it''s all worth it when you finally get to meet your child - a person that you created. Be prepared for raging hormones and postpartum depression.

I also wanted to say that being a working mom is fine. I''m a working mom and while it is tough, I need to work in order to give my son the best life possible. I work 30 hours a week (M-F 10a-4p) so I get to see my son at his best in the a.m. and get a few hours with him in the evening when I get home. My MIL cares for him on her days off and then we have a part-time sitter that does childcare in her home. I was lucky and took an extended (and largely unpaid) maternity leave - 6 months - but I knew from the very beginning that I''d have to return to work. Working gives me a break, gets me out of the house and gives me some "social" time with other adults.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 1/8/2009 5:23:18 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 1/8/2009 5:16:53 PM

Author: ladypirate

Date: 1/8/2009 12:41:18 AM

Author: Kaleigh

I knew from day one I wanted to be a Mom. If you really have to ask, perhaps it''s not for you? And that''s ok....

I echo what everyone else has said on this. My kids mean the world to me, and am so blessed to be their Mom. They are 20 and 18, so have been through it all. Health issues mostly. Asthma and JRA. Many hospital visits and stays when they were young. Talk about being worried. But wouldn''t trade that for the world, they are my heart. I adore them to pieces. I am not sure if this helps you, but wanted to respond.

Mini Thread Jack: Kaleigh, through my job I work with a lot of kids with JRA and that is a tough deal--I''m so sorry your child had to experience it. I hope that it is being controlled at this point. *Hugs*

Really? She''s doing great now, knock on wood. But did have to wear a leg brace when she was 18 months old. Not a fun deal, and endured lots of painful physical therapy. But have to say, she was a trooper through it all. She took Tolectin back then. I am glad I didn''t have the internet, ignorance was bliss for me. I do know kids can become blind from it, etc.... I know someone who had it severly as a child she''s crippled and blind.... I wish you could tell me more about what you do. Thanks for asking LP. You must help so many kids, that''s great. We took Ash to AI Dupont Hospital in Delaware, she got excellent care there.

I''m glad she''s doing so well! That''s fantastic. Is she in school now? I know that UCB (one of the pharmaceutical companies) runs a scholarship program for kids with JA. Your daughter should think about applying! That''s wonderful that she was able to get good care--that can be one of the biggest obstacles with JA. There are so few pediatric rheumatologists around. We''re fortunate in the NW to have the 5 or 6 that we do.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/8/2009 10:57:34 PM
Author: ladypirate

Date: 1/8/2009 5:23:18 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 1/8/2009 5:16:53 PM

Author: ladypirate

Date: 1/8/2009 12:41:18 AM

Author: Kaleigh

I knew from day one I wanted to be a Mom. If you really have to ask, perhaps it''s not for you? And that''s ok....

I echo what everyone else has said on this. My kids mean the world to me, and am so blessed to be their Mom. They are 20 and 18, so have been through it all. Health issues mostly. Asthma and JRA. Many hospital visits and stays when they were young. Talk about being worried. But wouldn''t trade that for the world, they are my heart. I adore them to pieces. I am not sure if this helps you, but wanted to respond.

Mini Thread Jack: Kaleigh, through my job I work with a lot of kids with JRA and that is a tough deal--I''m so sorry your child had to experience it. I hope that it is being controlled at this point. *Hugs*

Really? She''s doing great now, knock on wood. But did have to wear a leg brace when she was 18 months old. Not a fun deal, and endured lots of painful physical therapy. But have to say, she was a trooper through it all. She took Tolectin back then. I am glad I didn''t have the internet, ignorance was bliss for me. I do know kids can become blind from it, etc.... I know someone who had it severly as a child she''s crippled and blind.... I wish you could tell me more about what you do. Thanks for asking LP. You must help so many kids, that''s great. We took Ash to AI Dupont Hospital in Delaware, she got excellent care there.

I''m glad she''s doing so well! That''s fantastic. Is she in school now? I know that UCB (one of the pharmaceutical companies) runs a scholarship program for kids with JA. Your daughter should think about applying! That''s wonderful that she was able to get good care--that can be one of the biggest obstacles with JA. There are so few pediatric rheumatologists around. We''re fortunate in the NW to have the 5 or 6 that we do.

Her Doc was the best on the East Coast. Yes she''s in college now. A junior, with an Econ major, and a minor in Urban Studies. I am very proud of her. She did have surgery in middle school to kill the growth plate in her knee. We had to do that or the leg woould have grown longer than her other one. JRA stimulates growth. Luckily we had that done in time. She''s even steven now. But was in a wheel chair for weeks. I tell ya, that surgery scared me to pieces. But we got through it. She was a varisty Tennis player and a Varsity golfer... She is a tough cookie. She was diagnosed by a visting Pediatric Rheumatologist. They thought she had a blood disease. Osteomyalitis. I had her transferred to a hospital near us, was pregnant with my son. They said she needed antibiotics. The doc''s obviously saw soemthing else and called in the leading Doc. He made the diagnosis. I went deaf didn''t want to hear it. But woke up, and counted my blessings. She had been through a bone scan for cancer, so this was good news....

 

[jewelgal]

Hello to all of you who were so kind to reply to my post. I can''t tell you how grateful I am for all of your
thoughftul and heartfelt responses. I truly appreciate more than you will know. I have read and RE-Read(!)
all of them and are letting them sink in. I think it is helping me open up my eyes. Would like to read Tgal''s description of her daughter
as one mentioned it helped... I hope that there will be more replies to my topic because I am reading them all and
it is helping. Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!

To add some more info: Were any of you who didn''t want kids wondering if it was because of your DH? Like after years of marriage,
the passion fades and it becomes more of a bond/friendship. I married someone who wasn''t "my type" on purpose because I always had boyfriends who were
a little more edgy, like they knew who they were and were a little tough but sweet - confident. My DH is super nice and has a hard time standing up for me and him at times. I feel like I am the "care taker" a lot and I always wanted someone who would make me feel "safe." Wonder if that''s part of it. If so I am in trouble because that would be a huge mess. We have fun a lot and have issues but we do laugh a lot. If I won the lotto I would 99% want to have fun spending $ with him, building a house and seeing what we could acoomplish together. (Dr. Phil always says to ask yourself that question. What would u do if u won the lotto?) Also, I take care of a dog and she doesn''t require much, but after work I''m SO tired that I don''t have energy sometimes to even feed her and play w/ her. That concerns me...

Also, I feel bad about not having kids on these occasions: vacations w/ DH, out at dinner sometimes, weekends (sometimes when we go out, would be fun to have a family), holidays like Christmas, etc. or other family events. Otherwise, it didn''t bother me until these past holidays (relatives in family had babies and now we feel the time closing in)..... So I don''t want to romanticize it. I definitely (at this stage in my life 36yrsold) don''t want to taxi a teenager to and from places, deal with all of the problems/issues and feel old. Maybe I don''t want to age and that''s part of it! Maybe I wonder if I meet someone else in the future that it will be too late... then what? You can''t return a child.

I''m the type of person who will buy something and be very happy with it and excited, but then wonder, what else is out there? What other versions are of this item? How can I change that way of thinking that something better is around the corner? My DH is a wonderful, kind human being and would be a great father. But do u guys ever wonder about that??

Does any guy ever catch your eye? It didn''t happen w/ my other boyfriends, so that concerns me..... (been married for over 8 years)....

Anyway, thanks and hope to get more replies!

 

[LaraOnline]

Hi there Jewelgirl.
I see you''ve just responded, and brought up another whole heap of interesting stuff... I''m not sure I can address each aspect of your post, but perhaps between all of us, we might help discuss the issue with you...

Firstly, I thought TG''s post on this was great.
I have to agree with many other posters, I was never consciously ''maternal'' at all. I was highly motivated relationship-wise, but I didn''t want babies... I wanted love.

And then it occurred to me that perhaps children were a stabilising and value-adding factor in many relationships... so that in itself was rather a shock...
and then I started thinking about the biological basis of human interaction...

And then to my utter surprise I rapidly got to a stage where I felt I might end up being totally weird and marginal if I didn''t ever get to marry and have kids.
Eventually, if I am honest, it got to the point where it was almost ''shall I hold up a bank, or have a baby...?" (that''s kind of a joke, but did it paint a picture?)

The baby bug got me in a BIG way, and then it didn''t matter that I was scared witless by the cost, or the time, or the teenage years or whether we would get along etc etc etc. I also had ''issues'' with my own upbringing, and... basically, I was irritated by having to ''conform'' by having kids... but there didn''t seem any other way for me to go...

The biggest thing I learned in those early stages is that it takes months to even look pregnant...motherhood is something you grow into, it happens slowly. Step by step. So just take one ''baby fear'' at a time, ''kay? First, conceive... then rest for six months ... it''s like that...

Well, I see you''re married, so that must take the edge of the existential angst

and I think the issues you are describing (eg worrying about whether your life / husband is boring / too busy / too whatever) are normal too.

It''s a gradual change, (with a few ''life lessons'' along the way). The whole cutesy baby love stuff used to get to me when I was pregnant. I was annoyed by all the expectations our society has for and about mothers. Surely, as long as I don''t starve or neglect them, I would be doing all that was expected? The social pressure seemed kind of draining.
I won''t forget the feeling of having to learn to change nappies and breastfeed, immediately after my 40-hour labour (which was an exciting experience, btw, a lot like climbing a mountain or achieving something in sport). I was shocked: where was the ''me'' in all of this?!!
Also, I was annoyed that I felt I should order my long-anticipated leather lounge chairs in a dark brown, rather than the longed-for creamy colour!!

Such is the process by which motherhood grows you... you do become a bigger person in some ways....

I''m onto pregnancy number three, and my husband has already hit me up for number 4.

I probably wouldn''t mind it. Having a ''great father'' type is a huge, huge help. Much more enjoyable with a decent guy on your team. So, you''ve got that in your favour. And... he''ll love you for it! My man is so proud of me, and often compliments me on the great job I''m doing with the kids...

The domesticity of it all can get a bit much...''5pm, must be time to make dinner''... but try not to think what all the Stepford mums are doing, and just muddle by to suit yourself. Life slows down a bit, it''s not a bad thing. And there''s a lot more love to go around, too. Ages two to four are particularly gorgeous, but I''ll drop a tear at anything kid-related these days...

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 1/9/2009 11:59:14 PM
Author: LaraOnline
The biggest thing I learned in those early stages is that it takes months to even look pregnant...motherhood is something you grow into, it happens slowly. Step by step. So just take one ''baby fear'' at a time, ''kay? First, conceive... then rest for six months ... it''s like that...

I am about to have my first child in 7 weeks

and I think about this all the time when I get worried! It''s all about baby steps. First, you decide to chuck the pills, then you get knocked up and nature gives you almost 9 months to get used to it... then baby is born and although demanding, is a relatively simple creature--eat, sleep, poop... it isn''t rocket science

. Whenever I get worried about being a parent or my hubby gets nervous, I think/say, "You don''t give birth to a three year old! We will grow into being parents and get better at it as our baby grows up!"

So to answer your question, yes yes yes, RIGHT NOW I am not ready for a teenager or any of the things you mentioned that go along with being a parent, Jewelgal. But I know that I am adaptable and I know that kids grow up slowly (and fast

) and that I will get used to each stage as it comes. What I do know without a doubt is that I want a family, that I love my husband, and that in the long run being a parent will be very rewarding and fulfilling. I choose not to sweat over all the details because you can''t actually control the future or how you will feel, you can''t even predict accurately how you will feel! All the pro and con lists in the world can''t actually sum up what you will feel about your child, and how you will adapt to being a parent, and how you will feel about your hubby when you have kids. Until you have those experiences I don''t believe you can ever really know how you will feel. So in the end I think the decision to have children or not is an emotional decision, not a rational one. You just have to ask yourself: What does your gut tell you?

And PS: I love my hubby but certainly notice other men sometimes! I think having kids with a man is a BIG commitment, it makes sense that at the same time that you are pondering starting a family you would also ponder your marriage. No man or relationship is perfect, but I would much rather have a man for a co-parent who adores me and who I laugh with and who I would like to spend millions with than a man who is "confident" and "edgy" any day of the week. The former type of man is a partner and father, and you can always have the latter in your fantasies

 

[qtiekiki]

I, too, ALWAYS wanted to be a Mom and it was a question of when not if. I agree with a lot of what was said, and I don't think you have your answer already b/c of your worries. With that said, I think you are not ready to have a baby b/c of issue with your marriage and DH. I could be wrong, but it seems like you are not ready to make the lifelong commitment with your DH because you are wondering if there could be a better guy out there. Maybe you can get some counseling and work that out first before deciding about having kids.

Having kids is hard work and working full time doesn't help, but it is very fulfilling. I don't think you ever stop worrying as a mom. Heck, my mom still worries about me and I already have my own daughter. I've only been a mom for 5.5 months, but I look forward to seeing my daughter learn and grow each day. It's an amazing feeling that can't be explained/described, certainly something I didn't understand until after I had my daughter.

I find it kind of weird to make the decision of having kids by thinking if you will regret not having them later in life. Probably b/c I don't think you should have kids for the sake that you might regret not having one. That's just me.

I hope you can make the best decision for you and your DH.

 

[Mara]

jewelgal i just had to chime in and say i feel your pain. my hub and i have been together for almost 9 years, married for almost 5. we enjoy our life together but do wonder...where would a child fit in? in reality, your life would change so that it's almost like where do YOU fit in? we have seen many very good friend couples who were just like us have a child. it's amazing to watch.

we're coming to the point where i think we realize we do want to do it, but it's a matter of when, there's never a 'right' time... and you don't necessarily 'run out of time'. yes it might get harder or take longer than if you were younger, but take your time and figure it out....no rush. i have a friend who is 39 and she has been married almost 2 years. she is torn because her hub is like a big child and she wonders the same thing like how do i take care of myself, my job, my child, my husband. i feel similarly too with our lives. we are SO busy with work and life we barely have enough time to hang out with our dog. do we want that to change? because it will. and it's HARD...with two people involved. who wants to be the single parent while hub is out working all the time? not me. who wants to put their kid in daycare 10 hours a day? not me. what about retirement...are we going to have to work longer because we have kids so late in life? so we have to figure a few things out.

i also really don't think you will hear very many mom's say they regret the decision or that they should not have had kids. for the most part, i think once people have kids esp after having them a long time ago, to remember what it was like when they were unsure...or if they are of a different generation where it was never a QUESTION of having them but rather WHEN or how soon kind of thing.

bottom line...you sound like you are still thinking things through, keep at it. don't rush...and don't feel like you HAVE to have kids. some people just are going to have happier lives without kids of their own and that's ok. oh and i know a lot of gals who were in the same boat as you and me who did have kids and are wonderful parents. so don't worry that you questioning this ...and asking the kind of questions of yourself and your relationship that more people SHOULD in nmy opinion before leaping into parenthood...somehow makes you not right to be a parent. i believe if you do decide to go that route you will make a great parent because of the due diligence in thinking things through. best of luck.

QT... re: having them because you might regret it later...it is definitely what we wonder too. because neither of us were ever SURE we wanted them when we were single or when we got married. now we are like...wow a child could really add to our lives. but until you HAVE a kid, how do you know you won't regret it later thinking 'oh our life is fine the way it is'... and then 20 years later when your piping is not going to be producing a kid you are like...DAMN we shoulda done it. i think it's just natural to think through things entirely in this generation we are in now.... i know a lot of people like us who try to consider 'every angle' before making big decisions.

 

[Steel]

Date: 1/10/2009 12:18:56 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

I think having kids with a man is a BIG commitment, it makes sense that at the same time that you are pondering starting a family you would also ponder your marriage. No man or relationship is perfect, but I would much rather have a man for a co-parent who adores me and who I laugh with and who I would like to spend millions with than a man who is ''confident'' and ''edgy'' any day of the week. The former type of man is a partner and father, and you can always have the latter in your fantasies

Perfectly said, esp the bit in bold. I found this too - and it hit me hard. I love DH and he is perfect for me but I had a huge moment(s) of panic and worry that I was choosing the right man to have a child with (in the future). I feel rested with my decision now but if you feel upset at making that decision it seems perfectly normal. And if I might add - healthy. Wouldn''t it be nice to think that every child in the world had parents who took serious consideration in choosing the best partners to bring him/her into the world.

 

[trillionaire]

I think this is a tough question to ask other people. Most parents love to extol their children. And yes, I have met a least a handful of people who have admitted that they could imagine their lives without kids, and they if they were doing it again, the probably wouldn''t have any. (shocking, I know!)

Personally, I have a dog. I love, love, love her to death. And anything or anyone that is more work or responsibility than she is, I am not interested, pending further notice. I value my freedom and autonomy, and I like the idea of SO and I growing old, unencumbered by the nonsense of kids. And I had a fantastic time playing with SO''s nephew over the holidays, and am super excited about the coming niece or nephew, but I have spent a lot of time with kids, teaching and babysitting, and it is a full time job, and one that I am not really interested in. Sure, I COULD be a great mother (I''m great with kids), and I am sure I would be very fulfilled, but I am content to "fill" my life with other things, and it makes me excited to think about this fantastic life full of possibility and without the constraints of kids. And Supernanny is one of my favorite shows, as well as Jon and Kate Plus 8, which I dreamed about last night. I love shows about families, and I like the idea of adult kids, but not little ones. So, I guess I am out of luck, unless I adopt 17 yr olds...

 

[platinumrock]

We fall in the double income, no children category. I am 30 and my husband is 36. We have been together for 8 years and married for 4 years. Of course it would be nice to have a child to call our own, but at this point in our lives, that child would be more of an inconvenience than a blessing. We have two dogs, two turtles and three fishes to take care of. We are also very busy and we are tired at the end of the day.

Honestly, we don''t really know if we want one. There are way too many cons than pros at this point in our lives.

 

[Haven]

Date: 1/8/2009 4:55:00 PM
Author: snlee
TGal brings up a good point. If you and your DH are flexible either way, get yourself off BC and throw caution to the wind and see what happens. You''ll find your answer. How will you feel when you get your period, your period is late, you see a negative pregnancy test, etc.

This sounds like excellent advice, a way to get insight into your own desires, I suppose.

I was just checking in to see if you''ve come to any conclusions, Jewelgal. Good luck with figuring things out!

 

[qtiekiki]

Mara
I am not saying don't think through "every angle". I am only talking about when the possibility of regretting not having kids is the only reason to have kids. Like you said, you never know if you will regret it until you have the kid. But it's not foolproof that you will not regret having the kids either. So if you think "am I going to regret not having kids?", you have to think "am I going to regret having kids?". And there is just no way to answer either questions. So with that thought, I don't think it should be THE deciding factor. Of course, it could help tip the scale one way or the other, but not THE deciding factor.

ETA: I know it's not true of anyone here. I was just thinking it.

 

[Mara]

Oh I def agree that thinking you 'might' regret it later is a sole reason to have a child...gosh I don't think that anyone would typically think that as a deciding factor. There are SO many things to think about, IMO the possible regret later is just one of the things to consider. I don't think we would regret it later if we DID....well I don't know one person who'd say gosh my life would be so much BETTER without these darn kids.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 1/11/2009 12:17:13 PM
Author: Mara
we''re coming to the point where i think we realize we do want to do it, but it''s a matter of when, there''s never a ''right'' time...

As a woman with a career she loves, like so many other women here on PS, this issue of the "right time" really hit home for me during our pondering process. In the end, I took a long hard look at my career and the expectations of women in my area, and I concluded there is NO perfect time! There is probably not even a "good time" because so often our careers are simply incompatible with kids. So I stopped trying to figure out the perfect time and instead just focused on whether we were ready and willing and interested, and when we were, we took the plunge and have faith that it will all work out. So far my colleagues and my career have been much more accepting of my pregnancy and impending motherhood than I ever thought that they/it would be, and I think that will continue in the future.

Anyways, just thought I''d add my thoughts, since this is an issue that I think lots of women think about long and hard when contemplating having kids...

 

[October2008bride]

This is a really great thread.

My husband and I are in a similar boat - not sure if we want them at all. However, we are still *young-ish* (29 and 30) so we aren''t stressing about it.

Before we got married, we had a talk and decided that both of us were okay with the possibility of not having them, but didn''t want to make a decision either way at that time.

So this discussion is really interesting - thanks!

 

[soocool]

I didn''t get married until I was in my 30s. Up to that point we never discussed children, etc, but I knew that if we wanted kids we should probably start soon. I was very career oriented,but somewhere in the back of my mind there was this constant yearning to have a child. So after 2 years of marriage my husband and I started trying.

To tell you the truth I was never overly fond of other people''s kids, especially if they were not well behaved. I hated it whenever my sister in law came to visit. She would dump her kids on me to babysit while she and her husband went out. But still wanting one of my own kept creeping up in my mind.

Before trying I did talk to my doctor and he sent me to a geneticist to put my mind at ease, because once you hit your mid-thirties thought of genetic defects come to mind. Then the questions arise, if the baby has a genetic defect and I equipped emotionally to deal with it. Well, I got pregnant soon after trying. However, 8 weeks down the road I had a problem and had a miscarriage that wasn''t completed. I had an ultrasound only to hear "Are you sure you are pregnant? And how do you know?" I know because when I missed my period my doctor took a blood test!
That made me mad!!!! Well, the amniotic sac was there, but the embryo failed to grow so I had to have a D & E. My ob-gyn was wonderful. He called everday to see how I was doing emotionally.

We then waited about 2 months to try again! This time about 5 weeks after my last period, I had the heaviest period of my life, with the worst cramps. You guessed it. I miscarried again. Now evertime I heard about someone being pregnant, I hated them and was mad at muyself for waiting so long. I wasn''t obsessive about getting pregnant, but I did start taking my temp everyday and checking the consistency of my discharge to make sure I knew when I was ovulating. Come summer, I missed my period again, but after a few days noticed I was spotting ever so slightly. Oh no! I thought, here we go again and now resolved that I don''t want to try anymore. Guess what! I carried full term.

I had no morning sickness, no high blood pressure (actually my blood pressure was very low), no swelling, and only gained 20 pounds even though I ate everything in sight (I did walk a lot to keep in shape though). I loved being pregnant and enjoyed all of the feelings that came with it. I talked to my baby in utero and always rubbed my belly.

The only downside was that I missed out on all the pain of childbirth. You see about a month before I was to deliver I thought that the baby should have changed position. When that did not happen and the doctor could not make it happen, I had to schedule a C-section.

I don''t know if I had that instant ga-ga fall in love with her, but the motherly lion instincts took over. I couldn''t beileve how this tiny little person could turn me into a bowl of mush. So the career oriented person that I was found a new career---motherhood. I quit my job and have been a stay at home mom ever since. And guess what? I would not change a thing!

After that I did not try to have any more children, because I knew the next one would come at age 40 and didn''t think I had the energy or inclination to run after 2 or more toddlers when I was fast approaching peri-menopause. One is fine with me!

 

[violet02]

I really like this thread I'm in a similar situation!

My DH wants two children. I said that I do too but I can totally relate to this post because personally I've never had a burning desire to have children. I love children though and i'm great with them. I'm sure I'd be a good mom. I think if we are going to have a child we need to start trying pretty soon.

My DH is four years younger than I am and wants to wait awhile. I"m 37 and will be 38 this June. I'm not sure how much longer we can wait if he wants to have two children. I'm not chomping at the bit to be pregnant right now but I'm feeling the time crunch.

ETA: We are also dual income, one dog. Living in California where one person can't really afford NOT to work. We may change that one day and move though.

ETA ETA: I too am kind of freaked out about being over 40 with two tiny kids to run after!

 

[jewelgal]

I''m so glad that people are finding this thread helpful. I think that it is very helpful to read other people''s views and feelings.

I feel the walls closing in too and wish that I had a deep want for a child. If I had those maternal feelings I would be happy with trying. I read all of the posts thoroughly and again (2x!) and it really helps.

You know, years ago (before we got married) I fantasized about having kids and would buy baby name books and write lists of names and couldn''t wait for them to grow up so we could have fun on Christmas morning. Then when we got married and had real bills and then a mortgage, the fantasy-romanticizing was gone and I started asking questions to be sure I wanted them for the right reasons and not for just those "fantasy moments." (ie: vacations, holidays, events, weekends, etc.) - like I would think we would have a lot of fun with kids, esp. our own, BUT worry about the Monday-Friday daily routine. We both leave for work very early (before seven am) and don''t know if I could stand leaving my child at a daycare agency. I took a child psy. class and only then did I realize how important those years are in the emotional development. I would want to do the best job possible in their development and just imagine someone else raising your child all day long, over 8 hours? It might bother me. DID I MENTION I WORRY about stuff?

I don''t want to worry about stuff.
I also don''t like to be around teenagers. I don''t want to be a taxi driver and deal with all that stuff. I know a girl who is now in her early forties and she is super mature and stable and nice. She would be a great mother. I can''t believe that she decided NOT to have kids. She said she is happy with her dog and
that''s enough. I feel the same way. But I feel really sad around fall and the holidays. We go out on the weekends (note it''s the weekend) and we see other young families. I don''t want to do something because I feel ''left out" or because of "wondering" am I missing out on something?

I enjoy my alone time and being able to sleep late or pick up and go. I don''t like people around a lot. I enjoy being w/ my DH and dog and when people visit they have a good time but I am happy when they leave - less energy around or something . can''t explain it! sounds weird but it''s true!

sometimes i miss people in the house, but most times i don''t . see how indecisive I am?


Does anyone else romanticize kids? or do you think about the 24/7 job it really is? ***How does one make themselves feel maternal instincts? I tried going in the baby stores and aisles looking at clothes and I like the clothes, but I''m like, they grow up - remember they become teenagers and adults and etc...
Plus I really don''t like any medical stuff. That''s scary stuff. Thanks again for the posts. I hope more come along for me to read and ponder....

 

[janinegirly]

Wow Jewel, you''ve done a lot of pondering ..sometimes overanalysis can lead to paralysis, but of course I understand this is not a decision to be taken lightly.

As for running out of time--I agree that you should not allow that to be the deciding factor. Of course I wouldn''t delay more than a year or two if you do decide to have children, but I also had my first at 36 (pregnant at 35) and have many many friends who are having their first at 35, 36, 37.

Some of your thoughts and desire to not make a decision built around romanticized ideals are very astute. But then again, if you REALLY thought of all the realities that come along with other life decisions like marriage and home ownership, maybe you wouldn''t have wanted to do those things either! I mean marriage isn''t like the romance novels, and home ownership is a big headache day to day sometimes (as I''m learning!), but I bet you wouldn''t want to change your decisions in those areas! And your views on daycare are a little unfair--but that''s a whole other topic. Much like the debate on breastfeeding, there are pros and cons both ways, and plenty of healthy and happy children who are products of both.

And when you say things like you don''t like teenagers--I mean who does? And no one loves a screaming 2 year old having a tantrum on the floor either--but when it''s your child, it really is different and it''s all part of the journey that is so rewarding, and challenging at the same time. Your mentions of not enjoying too many people around is something I can relate to too (I think it''s to do with being an introvert vs. extrovert--we tend to tire after too much socializing and need to retreat), but it''s not really relevant when it comes to having a child.

All in all, you will make a decision based on what your heart and mind say (along with some discussions with your DH I hope). Right now your mind is providing a lot of fearful scenarious, but what does your heart say? I know for me (and I am also very analytical and rational vs. romantic), it came down to not being able to imagine how life could be fulfilling without a child. Having the same day to day routine for 30-40 years after marriage sounded depressing to me. Having a future with nothing to talk about but material items and vacations also depressed me. It is such a fundamental part of the human experience--how could I not want to experience it? BUT, you are also right to not think selfishly only and also of the child and have all these inner debates BEFORE trying to conceive. Let us know what you decide!

PS what does your DH think? Does he want children or can he go either way?