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Total meltdown..

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Ally,
I was out of town last week and just read this.
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I am so sorry you are going through so much at once! Studying, families and relationships can be hard enough on their own, w/o adding them all together. Unfortunately though, it often seems that when you are overly stressed about one thing, all the other stuff always comes piling on top.
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I can''t imagine how tough med. school must be. I went through law school and know that med. school is even more intense. My first year of law school, I had a bad relationship and my grades suffered. It took a lot of focus to get back on track. I agree w/others, YOU are most important here. If studying is your priority right now, try to put him aside and focus on you and your needs. Taking a break might be good for both of you.
I also think that no matter what he is going through, he doesn''t have the right to treat you badly and ignore your thoughts and feelings. The way he treated you was wrong! If he''s upset by not spending time w/you, then he needs to act like a grown up and TALK about it! Maybe counseling would be a good thing if he''s not able to communicate w/you. Obviously he is having some sort of problems and it could stem from the number of things that you mentioned. But unless you guys can work through it together, the problems are bound to continue in more passive agressive sort of ways. Have the two of you had a chance to sit down and talk about all of this or just talk about his lack of talking?
I hope the rest of your week was a little better! Take care of yourself!!
 
Hey Anchor, Kristy! No, I''m not done my exams. Have two more. I''m TERRIFIED that I flunked the one on friday. I was all over the place. I''m keeping my fingers crossed....please, please pricescope fairy let me pass
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I have a really hard time concentrating when I''m upset. Nothing much new, the first few days I was just not taking his calls. He must have called about 20 times which is crazy. I had an exam this morning... didn''t go too badly. But I''ll basically deal with the relationship after June 10th. He''s pretty upset at me at this moment, because I refuse to meet up/talk, but I''m pretty well aware that at this moment I have NO CAPACITY to deal with any bull-caca.

Galateia, Dixie: Thanks for taking the time to post, I always appreciate everyone''s input. It''s like having a big group of girlfriends that are all giving you thier opinons/advice.
 
You go, girl! I think you''re very smart to put the relationship on hold until after your exams. Your BF gave you no choice, really. Hugs and good luck with your remaining two tests!!! You''ll do GREAT.
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Good luck with your last exams ally!!
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Doing great Ally! Keep it up! Your exams need to come first right now and kudos to you for not getting sucked into any bull-caca (just love that) no matter how POed he is. He can stew right now.

I''m sure you did fine! The worst final I ever took I was literally chipping nailpolish off all my nails because I couldn''t answer anything. I even was nodding off. Now THAT was bad. And I still passed. So don''t worry!!
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Good luck with your exams! I remember being impossible to deal with around exam time (and that was only undergrad stuff!), so I can''t imagine having to deal with relationship-mending issues and exams at the same time! I think you made a smart choice and after June 10 you''ll be able to really focus on you two. Personally, and maybe I am only speaking from recent experience right now, but I think you should just let him be mad for a minute. You don''t need the extra stress and he should understand. Anyway, good luck! Go PS Exam Fairy!
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jen
 
Ally, fingers crossed for your exams and for you! I think you are being very smart and very strong. I''ll be thinking about you!
 
SOunds like you are doing what you know you need to do! You have a good head on those shoulders! Good luck on those final exams. I literally finished this afternoon even though I walked last Sunday. We are all still thinking of you!
 
What''s the latest Ally? THINKING OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Thinking about you Ally.
Wondering if you''ve had a chance to talk to your guy?
Hope everything is okay.

Scintillating...
 
Hey Scintillating,

Well I spoke to him the day after my exam which was June 7th, but not since then. After my exam I was flipping out over whether or not I passed, and I''m still kind of decompressing. He''s ok though, looking really lean though, which happens to him when we fight etc., because he stops eating when he''s sad.

So I feel bad, because he''s freaking out, but I really needed some time to sort through everything. And I''ve been sick and moody this weekend, so not the best time to talk things through, I''m going to wait until I''m not sick anymore. I''ve got more issues then I thought with the relationship (not him related, but me related) because sometimes I''ll feel like I want to get married but the other 96% of the time, I want to take things slowly, because I''m not ready yet. I want a LOOONG engagement. And I''ve never dated any one else, so that kind of gets into your mind when you''re 26 years old. I was watching that " How to get the guy show" and I totally envied the ladies being single life. So all stuff that needs to be hashed out..and I think it''s hard to settle anything when it hasn''t been settled in my mind. I think at best I would come to some sort of uneasy truce with these issues. So we''ll see. Sorry if I hadn''t updated, it''s because there was nothing much that happened
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Good luck sorting things out for yourself, ally! Take care.
 
ally, re: the whole feeling like you haven't experienced enough single life, i had that feeling with my ex...and honestly it was because he was the wrong guy for me. not that i am saying that is the case here, but i was totally always watching sex and the city or similar and thinking gosh how carefree they are, no one to answer to, no relationship woes, etc...and in the end we split up and i dated and realized that dating sucks BUT i was just happy to be out of that relationship...it was like my subconscious was telling me to get out to DATE but in reality it was just saying get out! i met greg about 6 months after that relationship and i was hesitant about dating someone exclusively so soon, but it ended up being right and that was that.

anyway, i will say that you should listen to what your subsconscious does tell you, i'm not saying run out and start dating but you said that you want a long engagement because you feel like you aren't ready, but yet you guys have been together for what, ten years? that's a long time to be with someone but not be ready. that and what you guys are going through now and the fact that you are envying others their single years....i would take a good long hard listen to yourself and your mind...good luck!!!!
 
Mara: I totally get what you are saying, 10 years, what am I waiting for??? My thing is like well I can honestly say that in 10 years I have only found 1 guy remotely intresting of a second glance. So it''s not as if I''m holding myself back. I also intellectually know that I have a good guy, someone that I can''t imagine NOT spending the rest of my life with. But there''s a need in me to be a bit reckless, and maybe date just to see what''s out there. You know hang out in clubs or bars etc. Everyone around me thinks this is insanity because I don''t drink, I don''t let loose so it may be some strange desire to act "young" which I didn''t do when I was young.

My other niggling worry is that I think I might just be against the idea of "marriage" For me anyways, if you told me I could stay with my boyfriend for the rest of my life and not get married, I''d be thrilled. Sometimes I''ll fluctuate slightly and think "oh I want to get married" but those days are very few between. I went through that for about 1 week after we got engaged until I reverted to being neutralish but slightly against the idea of marriage for myself. And I can honestly say that I WOULD feel the same about any guy I dated.

So like everything else, my feelings are pretty complex, and I haven''t figured them out yet there''s a) I''ve never dated anyone else b) But then I''ve never wanted to date any one else c) I really don''t want to get married to ANYBODY yet. I think in these few weeks without talking to him, I realized that it''s not HIM. It really isn''t. He does annoying things sometimes, but I''m not expecting perfection here. Many of the issues are about me.

I think it''s also possible that at 26 years old, I just haven''t matured enough to say "I''m ready to get married today" But you can bet your life on it that I won''t do something until I''m good and ready. It''s the same attitude I had toward getting engaged. My boyfriend and I talked about it for 2 years before I told him, "Ok I''m comfortable with it now" Maybe you can tell, I''m not really a spontaneous person
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Oh and Mara, I appreciate all advice etc., there''s nothing more important to me then advice from people that are a little older, and have gone through things like this that can give me a different perspective. And it makes me feel NORMAL. Thank god I''m not the only one that finds the sex and the cityish lifestyle intriguing at times.

Anchor: Thanks for your well wishes.
 
Ditto, Mara! I''ve been thinking about you too, Ally! I hope your exams went well, I know you had a lot going through your mind when you were trying to study, so I hope you pulled through alright. I agree that you two have been together for so long (7 years or so right?) that you shouldn''t be this worried about getting married, and/or envying the single life. Plus, I didn''t know you were engaged! Anyway, I think your heart and your mind is telling you that something''s wrong. Especially if you think you have issues to resolve with yourself as well as issues your guy has, you need to take care of them before you can be happy with anyone. When you started this thread, a lot of us LIW''s saw a few red flags that really worried us, and maybe you did too. Listen to your heart and your mind, take a break if you need to, and work this out if and when you''re ready to dive back in. Until then, keep us posted because we''re all thinking about you and praying for you! Good luck sweetie!
~Megan xoxo
 
ally well it sounds like you are aware of these feelings and don't give them too much power which is good...i do agree that it's NORMAL to think about that kind of lifestyle as interesting or intriguing esp if you have not lived it. being with one person for 10 years can be good in ways and bad in ways too. in my ex-case...we started dating when i was 21ish til 25ish and i was thinking, gosh did i live enough of the single, carefree, young 20's lifestyle? i felt like i was pretending to be more of an adult than i really was....it sounds odd but like for example i was looking at getting a new car then and i was looking at a VW passat. but i felt like it was more of a grownup family car. well after we broke up and i was thinking about a new car i thought wow that car was SO not me at age 25! but that was what my life at that point was heading up to, if it makes sense. i was with a guy that was 9 years older, so he was settled, mature, responsible. and i felt like i was stifled, choking...trying to live a life that wasn't mine...and the car was just like this example of how i was heading in a direction that i felt was wrong. it felt so silly at the time because my ex was a great guy who really loved me and treated me well and yet all i could think about was getting out and being FREE!

anyhow when i got out of the relationship, i did the dating, and the clubbing and the bars, which wasn't that fun to be honest and the guys i was meeting and dating all ended up having some really weird traits or things like that and i remember thinking gosh this is what i was looking fwd to? meeting and going out with a bunch of weirdos? but i was really happy because i was out of that relationship and i didn't feel stifled or choked anymore, and i was doing what i wanted to do and answering to no one and getting more in touch with what i really wanted for the future.

so maybe it would make sense for you to take a break and try to date a little elsewhere or at least get out and do the bar and club thing. it doesn't have to feel like 'you' for you to just try it. sometimes that is what you have to do...give in to what you are obsessing on. you may realize wow this REALLY is not me and i SO don't want to date anyone else than my bf. or you could think, well this isn't really me but i like the way it feels to try it and maybe there are other things i feel like i need to experience before i tie myself down.

marriage and settling down with someone IS serious business. it takes alot for someone to say yes i want to be with you forever and never date or see anyone else! some people argue that we are not meant to be monogomous....so not everyone is made for it. anyway i am babbling but it sounds like you are giving these feelings a bit of attention but not rushing into 'oh my god i have to experience life' which is good too...just take your time and figure things out...and i hope that i don't ever come off as like 'oh i know it all' because even if i have had similar experiences to you or others on here, they are never the SAME exactly as every relationship and interaction is always very different than anyone else's, but if i can help anyone else with my experiences having been there or done that...great!!
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hang in there!
 
Sorry Ally, I took too long typing my response that you beat me! It sounds like you have it figured out...you need time and you''re not sure you''ll ever be "ready" to get married to anyone. And there''s nothing wrong with that. I''m glad to hear that you have it figured out for the most part...it takes courage to realize those things about yourself. Good for you! I hope whatever you decide to you works out the best for you. Keep us posted if you need any outside help! =)
 
Mara,

You don''t sound know it all..you''re just sharing your experience. PS is the best because my friends in real like are really young 21 years old and obviously not at the same place as me, so I NEED advice from non-involved people that have been in some relationships. When I say I appreciate the advice, I REALLY do. I feel lucky to have this massive sounding board.

Case and point, I compare your feelings of wanting to be free and feeling stifled and that gives me some more insight into what I feel. So that''s not how I feel. If anything I think my life is a bit stifling. I spent my 20''s doing nothing but studying 24 hrs/7 days a week to get into med school. So there was no spring break, no vacations, etc. I even studied in the SUMMER. Even though it was worth it to be where I am now, I feel like I missed out. And now I still feel like I''m missing out because I have to study all the time to avoid getting kicked out.

I think part of the problem is that as a couple we NEVER go out. Our lives are crazy hectic, but when we go out to like a movie etc., we''re just beyond happy. It brings this life back into our relationship. I mean it''s silly how little we do stuff. For example this weekend is grand prix weekend..so huge festival. For the past 3 years I''ve thought about how wonderful it would be to go downtown and catch the festival. And NOTE this includes dressing up, and driving 10 minutes to downtown. But we never get around to it. EVERY YEAR same story. He has to work, I have to study for an exam.

I''ve only been to 1 bar and 1 club in my entire life. So basically "Ally has gone clubbing twice in her life!" And especially in Montreal where the night lif is crazy, I feel like I want to just see..maybe for like 1 week, what the fuss is all about. Just live the experience. Actually the more I''m writing the more I think I just need to plan some outings, go out to dinner and see some movies, maybe go to a club (not necessarily date some guys, but just take a look). Although I don''t think that''s going to make me ready to get married you know? It''ll solve one issue, but I think not wanting to get married might be as simple as I''m not ready to do it today. Too much stuff on my plate, and not willing to plan it. Right now, I just want to get through med, and enjoy this young adult time with my boyfriend. So we''ll see. I''m still mulling things over(obviously!)

IrishAngel: Yes, we are engaged, have been since last september and we''ve been together for 11 years that''s why I''m inclined to believe we might be in a rut etc., it''s all a little complicated with me. I''m not in a rush to run down the aisle, although it''s nice to just know that I''m not a freak at 26. Thanks for the endless support!
 
Definitely, sounds like you're in a rut - you sound just plain exhausted - try to get out and have a little fun Ally.
And then, if possible try to have a little fun with your guy, so that you can see what's there - and see how you feel. (Just wondering: how did you leave things with him?)

Scintillating....
 
Ally, just chiming in .. you sound like you really are thinking through things and realizing new things about yourself. I think it''s never a bad thing that we learn something about ourselves, even if it "only" ends up being "I have too much on my plate to worry about anything else right now."

My last marriage lasted 9 years, we were together for 10, and we went out a lot in the beginning, but less and less later on. *I* was the one content to be a homebody. Plus, once I had kids, I never wanted to leave them (even with a sitter for an eveing -- even going back to work with them at home with my husband was hard.) But when we did finally go out (trying to "fix" things between us), it really was great. We found the fun person in each other we both liked. Note the word "liked." However, my problem with him WAS my comfort level. He started as a best friend, and today continues to be one. Being romantic for us was really only in the cards briefly. I ALWAYS noticed other guys when I was with him and thought, "what if...?" I NEVER do that now (I mean, don''t get me wrong, I notice men -- haha -- but not like THAT) I love my kids and am grateful to him for them, but he and I were never really supposed to be. Point is, you really just don''t know until you try other things. I don''t mean dating, but if you need to just go out, do it. Make it as important as any exam. If it helps, then YAY! If not, something else will. Good luck on this journey and all your med work. I''m always rooting for you!
jen
 
Hope you don't mind if I hop in here and offer a guy's point of view......
Just a couple of things to remember:
1. The grass isn't always greener. Go ask single people if they -want- to be single, and they will usually say no. Life isn't a TV show. Being single isn't all its cracked up to be!
2. Have you ever tried putting -him- before your career???

I will say that the fact that you are convinced that your career is more important than your relationship.....well, then maybe you -haven't- met the right person yet. I'd hate to be with someone who considered their job more important than me.

You are young at 26, but I hope you don't lose the only guy you -really- want to be with because of school, TV shows, and this forum. It is easy for all the other people to get on here and tell you to get rid of him, because they aren't you, and they don't have to live with the consequences.

Just a suggestion - you could get back together but tell him you want to take it slow, sit down and hash out your differences, and see what comes of it.

Anyway, hope you don't take any of the above the wrong way, just wanted to offer a slightly different point of view.
 
Hey everyone,

So I''m going to talk things over with my boyfriend tonight. Try to hash out some things, because it''s a pretty bad limbo right now, and obviously I need to let him know where things stand. I haven''t totally figured out where anything stands yet, but we still need to discuss things.

Sk8rjen: Honestly, if I ever actually saw a guy and said to myself, I wonder what it would be like to date him, then I would break up with my boyfriend. But that hasn''t happened yet. It''s kind of like this, ever since I started dating him, people have given me the advice "Don''t marry your first boyfriend" and that "You HAVE to play the field before you settle down, or else you don''t really know if this is the right person for you. I''ve always taken that that advice really seriously, because I think that it MAY be important in the whole maturing process. I haven''t met anyone that has tempted me though, nor to I feel trapped in the relationship, so who knows....by the way, I haven''t forgotten that you are still waiting for a proposal
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Hope you are keeping yourself distracted.

Scintillating: For some reason, you seem to have this remarkable insight into me and my relationship (although I haven''t known you forum wise that long
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. I am tired, exhausted and I was looking forward to decompressing, and then I got sick. So no enjoyment of the summer so far. But I''m pretty sure I got sick because I wasn''t eating, sleeping and stressing. I''m going to try to get out for Grand Prix weekend (Yea! The craziest party weekend in Montreal), and see if I can unwind..As to how I left it, I basically told him we were taking a break, and I wasn''t answering any of his phone calls until I was ready. He''s freaking out right now, because a *break* to him is a breakup.

kbesner: It''s always fun to get a guy''s point of view! I don''t think it''s a question of me not having met the right person yet....just that I am NOT built that way. A certain part of this is that *I know myself*. For example, if I was working here, married and then my husband got transferred accross the world..there is NO WAY I would move for him. My boyfriend undrstands this about me. He is very aware that this aspect of my life defines who I am (good or bad point that it may be). I am lucky that I am in a field that allows me the luxury of NOT moving, and that we''ll never have the financial necessity of moving because of a job. And doubly lucky that his main priority isn''t his career [:errrr:] I can''t imagine what two career obsessed people do together. And at the end of the day, we all know MEN who''s career comes first in their lives, and there''s still woman who love and marry them. It''s just a reversal in my case. Before this, I was pretty good at balancing both, but lately it seems to have gotten away from me.
 
Though I haven''t posted to the thread lately, I have been thinking about you a lot Ally! I hope that things work out the way you feel is best for you, whatever that is!!! You are definitely in control of your own future. *hugs*
 
Good luck tonight Ally! Let us know if there''s anything we can do to help and we''ll be thinking of you!
 
Ally,
I hope the two of you are able to work things out because I know he adores you.

I do have one question that I have been curious about for a very long time....Why do refer to him as your boyfriend and not your fiance? He asked you to marry him and you said yes.
 
Hi Ally, I hope that tonight goes well.
My boyfriend is also the first guy that I went out with and we have been together since I was 17 and he was 18 (im now 24). I think the main reason that we have stayed with each other and are still so happy with each other is because we go out together all the time, to pubs, walking etc. I think to last from when you are in your teens to your twenties and older, you really need to keep the fun in the relationship, otherwise I think you might start to have that grass is greener feeling. If you definitely want to stay with him and he is the one for you, then I would try and put some time in to the relationship-do something that he would really enjoy,maybe go to a bar with him for a few drinks and just have some fun together. I am hoping to go back to college for five years to study veterinary this year, and I know that with all the study it will be tough but as much as veterinary is my dream and I would do anything to get it, having a happy relationship with the man of my dreams is also something that I want more than anything so I am not going to let things with D deteriorate. I will put in my study time but I also need some relaxing time and that time will be spent with D.
I get the impression that you dont really want to break up with him, so why not try going to clubs and bars with him, if he wants to go. That way you can get out more and also your relationship will hopefully improve. I actually didn''t realise that he was your fiance either-sorry if Im being too nosy-did you want to become engaged and get married when he proposed or did it just feel like natural progression as you had been together so long. The only reason I ask is that a friend of mine was going out with someone for 12 years, however she was never head over heels for him. When they got engaged and then married she began to realise that she just kind of fell into it all and sadly they are now divorced. I would think really hard about what it is you want, are you happy being engaged as it is a huge commitment saying that you are agreeing to be with each other always.
 
Hope things went, go, or are going well!!

Take care of you and the rest will fall into place!
 
>>>we all know MEN who''s career comes first in their lives

Absolutely. Personally, I don''t agree with it. My better half, and my family, both come way before my job, but thats just me.
As a couple of others have suggested, try making some time for him, you may find it really improves your relationship. Put yourself in the other person''s shoes for a minute, sometimes it helps.
Good luck!

PS. Most of my family is from Montreal, great place!
 
Ally, I really hope everything worked out last night! Take care of yourself...I hope you''ll update us with something over the weekend. Sending you lots of happy thoughts!
jen
 
Firegoddess, IrishAngel, Fisherofmengirly, Sk8rjen: Thanks for the well wishes!

kbesner: Cool so you know Montreal! It's awesome place this weekend, when the city is hopping. I think if I were absolutely truthful, I'd say that family and boyfriend are actually tied for first place. Like if someone got sick and I needed to take care of them, I would drop everything to do so. If someone needs my support because they're going through a bad time, etc., I'm so there (that goes for friends too) But I'm not going to NOT study (even if I haven't seen in 2-3 weeks) to go out with him somewhere cause he feels like it or he feels neglected. I think it's tough love.

Appletini: You noticed that! It's complicated because my boyfriend is french-Canadian and I speak french about 98% of a day. And even though we are engaged he always presents me at work, to family etc., functions as "Ma copine" I present him as "Mon copain". Which in english is either boyfriend/girlfriend OR companion. Since a lot of french Canadians DON'T get married, fiancé is a bit awkward because I've NEVER heard any french-Canadian introduce their girlfriend/ boyfriend (even engaged) as their fiancé. So my boyfriend and I agreed that we would never call each other fiancé.

95% of french candians refer to boyfriend/girlfriend'(no intention of marriage) by saying "Ma blonde" (Yup "my blonde") and boyfriend as "mon chum"

He will present me as copine, and so I naturally translate as close as I can. In english I could say companion, but in Quebec a lot of english people say "companion" to mean their life partner, which they don't intend on ever marrying so it's not entirely appropriate for our case. So it's a weird language thing for me.

Another strange french-canadian fact....you know there is perfect tanslation for "I like you?" Ýou can only "love=je t'aime" or be intrested in someone. That's something that drives me bonkers.
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Bee* You're not being nosy. We got engaged because we knew we would spend the rest of our lives together....and for him, being engaged was really important. Less for me, I like the bling and all, but I wasn't saying in my head "we need to get married NOW" neither was he BUT he REALLY wanted to give me a ring. It was really important to him, but both of us knew that it wouldn't happen until I finished school. I don't want to break up with him, because we have a relationship. These are just things we deal with, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed and frustrated with him, I vent, and get a lot of feedback on "how to deal", "what to do", and sometimes just to make sure I'm not being too hard on him!! My friend's sometimes accuse me of that!

I'm not really known for tolerating Bull-caca from my guy.
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