Total meltdown..

[Starset]

I''m sorry

During this time in question, make sure you are taken care of first. Do not sacrafice important things that affect you the most.

To everything there is a season...A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.

 

[KristyDarling]

Date: 5/15/2006 1:44:11 PM
Author: wallermama
I agree with everyone here, but wanted to add my own thoughts after nearly 11 years of marriage and 18 years total with my husband (and I''m only 33!). And watching many loved ones go through ups and downs in relationships.

My advice is this: It is how people treat others when they are at their lowest that says the most about them as people. We all screw up, but depression, grief, etc cannot MAKE a person disregard others, be selfish, get drunk. From what I have read here, I am not in your FI''s cheering section. At all. It sounds like in some ways his good behavior is a veneer covering up someone who is selfish, and expects too much from you. If I were him, I''d be mad at you IF you spent hours after a final hand making a gift, not if you DIDN''T. Wouldn''t it have been nice to have heard, ''I''d rather spend time relaxing with you then being apart so you can make me a gift?''

Please take care of yourself first, your dreams/ambitions second, and see if he still fits in to that picture.

I don''t mean to be harsh, but I never ever believe the ''He just changed out of the blue!'' thing. I think we all overlook a lot of warning signs in our optimism.

Best to you, Ally...

These are all such good points, WallerMama. I also feel, based on Ally''s always-honest and frank posts, that her fiance SOUNDS like a great guy, but there''s always something subtle yet kinda ominous lurking underneath....like everything is all an act to make Ally and everyone else think that he''s Prince Charming. A good man would *never* jeopardize his lady''s health or career, regardless of how pissed off or depressed he is. If anything, he''d just take it out on himself and leave her alone. (what Ally''s fiance SHOULD have done) I agree that 10 years isn''t something to be tossed aside quickly, and I do think that Ally and her boyfriend need to do A LOT of soul-searching together, however...I think Ally should keep her guard up and be aware of the BIG red flags with her boyfriend (i.e. the drinking/meanness/total disregard for her).

Hugs to you, Ally!

 

[Scintillating]

Ally -
I think you've nailed it - I was going to say I think he's having trouble with your school schedule. He's definitely acting out passive aggressively. Every relationship is a two way street, Perhaps he feels like you've totally disregarded his needs and feelings?

I can totally sympathize. I'm engaged to a new attorney - we've been together for 7.5 years - After three really difficult years of Law School I really expected life would be a different. It's not, but that's okay, we're adapting and trying to remain flexible. We both try really hard to make our relationship a priority, and scheduled "us" time that no one is allow to invade.

The other day I was speaking with an attorney's wife and she said to me, "Are you ready to be married to an Attorney? You know that it's a really lonely life?" I responded that I knew, and I really grapple with it, but I'd rather be with him than be without him.

I suspect - that for the first time in ten years he's having to livee a life without you.
He's bound to have some complex emotions about it.
It's really easy to grow away from eachother.
It happens to us on occasion, but I've learned to recognize the warning signs.
(Bad dreams, I often start a fight not meaning to, act out passive aggressively.)
I've learned to tell him when I absolutely need attention and need to feel like the most important thing in his life. It helps when I speak up.

I've also become a more independent person, new hobbies, new friends, new job, etc. I have to focus on making myself happy and not depending on my spouse to do it. I think it's really unfair to say "kick him to the curb." It's really important for both of you to figure out if this is a life you both can handle. You chose your path, and it's your dream, but it can be really difficult for a loved one to deal with! It's easy to say in theory that you're behind someone's dream it's another to live with it everyday. He has to figure out if he can deal with it.

It's a time of enormous stress and change for both of you - there was bound to be a blow up.
Talk to him. I suggest you start some couples therapy, and try to reconnect.
Try to talk to him about how you feel, without blaming him, or accusing him of anything, or yelling. (These things tend to just get a defensive response.)
I'm sure he's angry too, and lonely, and resentful, thus the acting out passive aggressively! I'm sure he probably feels you've changed too. - *BUT it's really NO EXCUSE for his bad behavior, it's just symtomatic of other issues.
(I've had a hard time watching my FI go through enormous changes, and not being able to go through them with him. It's hard being on the sidelines when you're used to playing in the game!)

Just talk to eachother.
A relationship you've built over ten years doesn't just desolve, the foundation is still there. You should at least see if you can rebuild.
Relationships like ours are really hard work!

*BIG HUG*

Scintillating...

 

[laila]

Oh Ally ~ I didn''t realize you were in med school. I wanted to say that I totally agree with Scintillating''s post. My husband and I both graduated from med school several years ago. Our relationship survived med school and all of residency, and now he is working and I am at home with the kids. But, let me tell you, getting through all of that has been a challenge, and that is with both of us understanding the lifestyle involved. For someone not in the field, I imagine it''s even more difficult to understand what you''re going through. Many of the relationships of our classmates didn''t make it. But, there were many that did as well. Being the one not working in medicine right now, I can attest to the loneliness involved with being on the other side. Maybe your fiance is feeling some of that, as Scintillating suggested. Having said that, I totally agree with the other posters (and my first post to this thread) that his behavior towards you was totally unacceptable and you have every right to be angry. Maybe the counseling idea is a good one? You both may need to figure out how to have a successful relationship now with the new change in schedule, less time for each other, etc.

Anyways, I know I have nothing new to offer by this post, but I wanted to share my thoughts. My heart goes out to you. You have a long road ahead of you. Congratulations on med school though, and I hope that these exams go well for you.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Ilovesparkles and Indie...Thank you! I was reading all of these posts and that''s exactly what I thought. Very dangerous territory there Ally. I am so sorry you are going through this, especially on top of med school. It is ridiculous that he''s treating you like this. This may sound insensitive, but no matter how hurt he is by his uncle''s death and your attention to your priority - school, he has no right to treat you like crap. I also agree that you should focus as much as you can on your finals before you hash anything out and make a major decision. Give it time, whatever happens will be for the best in the long run and we are all here for you! Vent away girl! xoxo
~Megan

 

[blueroses]

Oooh, Ally sweetie I am SO sorry to hear about this. Your FI has acted like a first class butthead and you do not deserve that.

You have been so supportive of me in my own relationship trials....I wish I had some fabulous advice, but I would echo what others--particularly Scintillating--have said in that I think some of this is him acting out about your having a now ACTUAL (not just in theory) bigger priority than him. I think his uncle''s death--and in some wacked out way, perhaps the fact that you were kind of an authority figure telling him that the diagnosis was terminal--has probably exacerbated the situation. But just because he may feel pushed aside or ignored or emasculated or WHATEVER by yoru busy schedule, that is no excuse for him to act the way he did yesterday. Maybe he was trying to "punish" you in some unconscious way for the way he perceives HE''S been just waiting around for you. It isn''t right or fair, but I wonder if there''s some of that and he''s just acting out on this long-simmering resentment.

My bf and I had our own problems when I was in grad school--I think there was something lonely and threatening about it for him that I had this incredibally busy full-time schedule/life of my own with peers and friends in my own field, with rehearsals when I wasn''t in class or home writing papers or studying.....he ended up sitting at home alone a fair amount and school was my first priority and it really--I think--laid a lot of the ground work for the problems that we''ve been having now several years later.

You need to take care of YOURSELF right now and just focus on what you need to do for school. His reaction to a situation in your life doesn''t make it your fault and his behavior is inexusable. Maybe it is time for a break of some sort? Or a "trial" one (Hey, we can be separation buddies

) But seriously, he needs to get some perspective about how important you are to him and that he needs to be CHERISHING you and treating you with caring and respect, otherwise what''s the point!! And of course I REALLY encourage counseling.....and maybe even some individually for both of you. He sounds like he''s got some untapped anger, and that plus the grief and resentment and several drinks is a BAD combo.

HANG IN THERE, honey!!!!!

 

[Rhapsody]

Oh Ally, I am so sorry you''re going through all this. Your boyfriends behaviour is unacceptable, no matter what reason he may have for it.

I agree with the others that it might be best to take a break so that you can focus on yourself, your school work and decide what''s really important to you. It sounds like you want to be a doctor more than anything else, and he might not be willing to live with that.

I hope you can get down to the bottom of whats making him act like this and see if it''s something fixable. I just can''t believe he was only "acting" like a nice guy and it took 10 years to find out he really wasn''t. No one''s that good of an actor.

Good luck on your exam.

 

[ladykemma]

what everybody else said except to add: take your own wheels to events for right now until he can be trusted to take you home.

my hubby and I went thru a bad spell in our marriage when we were in intense counseling. I don't think we rode in the same car anywhere for a year!

edited to add: I used to be a lay counselor for a codependency treatment center and battered shelter. not getting in the same car as your abuser was one of the first rules we would lay down for these women. don't set yourself up.

 

[anchor31]

Whatever happens, take care of yourself ally... School is a very important time as it shapes our entire future, and I don't believe in sacrificing that for a man, whoever he is. I'm sending you lots of good vibes.

 

[allycat0303]

Ok this is going to be monstrous

Anchor: Thank you for thinking of me. Life is hectic right now, but you can bet we'll get together when the exams are done. Thanks for your thoughts.

ilovesparkles, equestrienne, Ebree, Blenheim, jas, Matatora, Boom, Kaliegh, Sumbride, Alexis, Caligal, JenStone, Kissmyasscher, jesterjugger, ephemery, Starset, Rhapsody, IrishAngel, ladykemma: I think what's amazing about this community is that are so many people (strangers really) that are willing to take the time to write a little word of encouragement. I am honestly down in the dumps, and just having a people say, "I've been there" or I'll send you a little thought makes brings my spirits up. OK. pics of bling help a little too

Marta Ana, Icekid: Of course, I know that you two ladies probably know exactly what I'm going through, and how hard it is for me to balance school and life. So I appreciate the advice especially. Icekid: Well it's good to know that there have been other couples that have been through this. But it's also sad to know that the teachers weren't trying to scare us on the first day

. Marta Ana: I think you are very lucky in many ways to be married to someone that went through the exact same thing as you. I guess there is an understanding between you that would be difficult for someone that is not in that field.

Mara, Decoded: The kick butt ladies of PS

You don't like my avatar

Actually, it's our family's good luck charm, all of the kids have the picture of that cat (yes horns and all) in their backpack. It's not the cat that died. Her name is Phoenix (rise from the ashes) and she is a calico. In Viet culture, calico's are prized for their good luck. She (is very much alive) is the smartest, sassiest cat I have ever met. Now I didn't know you ladies were a little superstitious

And of course, although I'm venting, and reflecting, I am following all of your advice. There are not any life decisions that are going to be made until the very last exam has been written...and I've taken a few days to decompress. Thanks ladies.

Firegoddess: I love your posts, always because I can almost picture your reactions. Your personality comes through. Thank you so much for making me smile, and feeling so much that you "get it" TOTALLY. And I did want to murder him, it was pretty iffy at some moments.

KristyDarling, IndieJones, Wallermama, Fire&Ice: So where to start. Well it's so funny that even though I don't say everything, you ladies pick up all of the naunces.

Well first off, I was raised Mormon, and I've never had a sip of alcohol. And I'm never around people that drink. Now I've learnt over the years that my boyfriend and I differ vastly on this aspect. This has always been an issue with us, because I don't know how to handle it when people drink. It's something that actually scares me. The thing is, that Quebec people as a general rule like their alchol. His entire family was at this family party aunts, uncles, mother, father, brother, and they all got PLASTERED. None of them are alcholics, but when it's a party, it's a PARTY. But of course, I didn't realize that, when you get invited to a BBQ at 3:30 in the afternoon on SUNDAY you're not expecting this.

Rest assured ladies, that after he finished the second beer, both he knew, and I knew that he wasn't driving me home. It was just a matter of me trying to figure out what to do, and being upset. And his family either slept there or walked home (they all live within walking distance). It's something I believe very strongly in as well.

Have there been warning signs in the past? Well the drinking issue has never been a "wonderful issue" between us, but I definitely can't say he has any sort of problem with it, only that there have been 1-2 cases of frat-boy-jerk behavior, but in 10 years, nothing at all that is alarming. Selfishness? Yes. And does everyone around me think he's wonderful and I'm crazy? YES. YES. Thank you so much for realizing it's not all roses. NO one gets this, except my sister 99.9% of the people around me think I'm the big demanding BIG B, but it' s not the case. He's selfish about somethings, like his friends, his time with them, and having a "good time" but he's incredibly unselfish about other things, like truly unpleasent tasks, taking care of me (for a year I was emotionally a wreck, cried everyday and he took care of me, when 99% of guys would have bailed), working really hard to provide for me, materially, he'll always put me first, and until now, having an absentee girlfriend. And I do want to say that I'm selfish too (about my career) don't think for a second I wouldn't pick up and move across the country for a really good opportunity. I mean I would listen to his opinon, but my mind would be made up.

I believe he's a good person (obviously) or I wouldn't still be with him, but I'm well aware that it's FAR from perfect. I just need to figure out if it's salvageable.

Thanks ladies, for all of your advice, I appreciate it a lot, because it keeps me grounded, and makes me consider all the angles.

Scintillating: Oh honey! Something about the things you said made me sad. I never really know what it's like to be on the other side. And when you talked about being lonely sometimes, it really reasonated with me. I don't know if my boyfriend feels that way (because he's never really said anything), but I hope that your man knows how lukcy he is to have you!

Blueroses! What to say. Yes, we've both been through our little ups and downs during our time here. We're definitely taking a break in the sense that I'm definitely not talking to him until the exams are done. Which are a MONTH away. So obviously, it's going to be hard. I know your time is almost up and you're going to finally know what's going to happen. I suppose when you've been with someone for a decade, your perspective on relationships change. I can relate to that. And maybe the urge to strangle your honey sometimes. Keep me updated sweetie!

 

[anchor31]

I want to say that what she just said about alcohol in Québec in totally true. I must be one of the very rare 21-year-old Quebecers who have never gotten drunk (legal drinking age here is 1. I don''t believe the alcoholics rate is higher here, we''re just notorious partiers. Almost everyone gets drunk at parties.

 

[firebirdgold]

Well, as long as the point''s been considered, I''ll move onto some advice based on my experiences. Sorry if it''s a bit too self-centered, there may be no connection to how your fi is feeling.

As some of you may remember from my earlier meltdowns, last month my bf finished his phd hell. (Not so surprisingly my joining Pricescope coincided fairly closely with his finding out that he had a year less to finish than he thought.) While I tried hard to be supportive and understanding, I grew increasingly insecure and anxious without really knowing why. Shortly before his defense we had our biggest upset ever, and even though I started it he decided that the problem was that he had been neglecting me. So he took a whole day to spend time with me and went out of his way to make me my favorite dinner and to buy me some scented candles. It made a huge difference. After his defense he slowly started to change, to relax. It was just little things, like how he touched me more (a hug while cooking, a touch on the shoulder, not just putting his arm around me while watching tv but also relaxing against me), and smiled at me more, but my insecurities and paranoia have been shedding little by little ever since.

I never even noticed the changes creeping up in the first place. If you had asked me during his phd hell I wouldn''t have thought of myself as neglected or that things had changed all that much. But both were true. Perhaps your fi is feeling like I was, insecure anxious and a little bereft.
Not that this excuses his behavior, of course. Only you might want to consider if the little nuances of your lives together have changed. My bf told me he loved me and that everything would be ok once the phd was over, but I didn''t truly believe him. Actions speak far louder than words, even or maybe especially the little everyday actions that tell us we''re loved and wanted. Yet it those tiny unconcious actions that are so easy to lose when you''re stressed.
Your fi may not want to doubt you, but just maybe he does wonder how important he is to you. The death of his uncle could have caused him to look at his own life and future and start to question.

Another thing to consider is that a guy who can support you when you visibly need him (like when you fell apart) may actually have more problems with the relationship when he feels that he isn''t needed.

It''s hard for anyone to feel like the other person''s career comes first before the relationship and sometimes it''s harder for men to deal with that than women. I know that my bf''s career is as vital to him as air to breathe, so there will be many times a paper takes precedence over spending time with me. Yet he''s made it clear that my dreams won''t be less important than his in making decisions about our future. Perhaps that''s the best declaration of love of all.

Anyway, as I said, perhaps this has no bearing on what''s happening between you guys right now. But maybe it will help you later on.

 

[jesterjigger]

I''d just like to butt in again on the alcohol issue...my ex is from New Orleans...his whole family LOVES to drink. He does too. In college he wasn''t too frat boy, but he didn''t shy away from alcohol. After he graduated he started drinking more and more. I''m from a small town in Ohio and after dating your typical New Yorker, another typical New Yorker, and an alcohol loving Louisianan I know that coming from similar backgrounds is VERY important. My ex now drinks hard liquor most nights of the week...I didn''t realize it until I started dating my almost-small town Pennsylvania man...our families are extremely similar as well as our backgrounds. It''s like a match made in heaven. If your guy is still making poor alcohol decisions at this age, he''s not going to stop just because you get married, and your background is even more different than mine! I would seriously consider if he''s the role model you want your children to have...if he''s just following the example set for him by his parents, it''s not likely that he''s going to change anytime soon. I thought that my ex was the one, because while we had our lows, they were LOW, and while we had our highs, they were HIGH...they helped completely overshadow the lows. But now, the lows are little dips, and most days are a high, there are some HIGHS, but not as many, probably because the lows aren''t even close to as low, so the highs don''t seem as high. It''s nice to have stability, wonderful, in fact. I highly recommend it to everyone, and it just breaks my heart to read about the lovely women on pricescope having problems like this, you all deserve much better, so please, consider every option, this is the rest of your life you''re talking about here...make sure you''re absolutely sure that whichever man you end up with is THE one. You deserve it.

 

[Scintillating]

Thank you Ally, I think he does know.

You sound like such a sweet caring woman. I truly hope you to can come together and work this out. I hope you ACE your exams, as I'm sure you will - And you and your honey have a productive heart to heart and see where you stand.

I think what IndieJones makes a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing your story Indie.

Scintillating...

 

[Blue824]

Ally,

I don''t have too much to add, but I just wanted to say I''m so sorry you''re going through this right now. I''m sure it is so much worse when you''re stressed out enough with school. Don''t risk your education, this is so important to you, so take some time to yourself and relax and study as much as possible!

This Dec/Jan my bf and I started having some problems, and in February it basically came to a point where we really had to decide whether or not we wanted to be together anymore. Like seriously be together. To work on the problems to work on our communication and for us each to acknowledge that there were things we needed to be aware of... most importantly, keeping communication open and not keeping things inside. Seriously, it was the scariest thing I''d ever been through with him, but part of me realized, if he and I couldn''t talk about things, or work through problems together, we weren''t going to make it. I think you two really need to talk... maybe there''s some raised voices and crying and stuff, but its important for him to be upfront to you and for you to be upfront with him. If he loves you and sees himself with you, there is no way that he''d want to be hurting you this much and there is something that he really needs help overcoming whatever issues he''s dealing with... and I don''t think these are little things that you can just ignore... they build up to create larger problems. I think there are changes that come in relationships, but the thing is, you can''t change so much that you aren''t yourself anymore. Be careful of giving up too much of yourself to appease anyone.

 

[decodelighted]

Hey Ally,

Whew! I, for one, am irrationally glad Phoenix hasn''t had to rise from any ashes!! And that THAT cat isn''t THE cat from the heartbreaking incident of yore. I''m sure I''ll view it differently from now on. Also cool to find out calicos are "good luck". I have TWO.

(And my dog''s kinda calico-ish too ... tri-color at least. I love, love, love the tri-color critters

)

You have a good head on your shoulders & I know you''re listening to everyone''s advice & your own gut.

Wishing you only the best!!!

Deco

 

[FireGoddess]

Hey Ally (thanks for what you said BTW, that was so nice!) - I am thinking about you and just wanted to reiterate something. It''s really bothering me that he could make plans with you, let you rearrange your entire day, only to go play baseball or whatever and just drop you and your plans together........................and in the same week ask you to go to a family function, promise you will be home at x time, and then deliberately get drunk and leave you hanging there with no way to leave. I feel like if he truly was upset about not getting to spend time with you or feeling neglected because of your studying, he would USE THE TIME wisely instead of (a) dissing you to go hang with friends and (b) being completely inconsiderate of you. There is a disconnect here, and HE is the one that needs to fix it. This behavior does not sound like the lashing out of someone feeling neglected, nor the pain of someone in mourning. It sounds like someone being a big ole JERK. Once your exam is over I think he has some serious explaining to do - I''m talking uncomfortable man-feeling explaining, otherwise, he needs to know that only when he stops being mean will there be anything to pursue between you.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 5/15/2006 7:01:36 AM
Author: allycat0303

So now that I''ve looked at it, it''s not as much out of the blue as it seems. There are have been some micro issues all the way. Yesturday was totally too much, but at the same time I don''t see what I can do to change any of it. When we first started school, the teacher told us ''75% of the relationships you are in right now, won''t survive the first year'' I thought, ''Well that''s for other people, no one else has a 10 year relationship'', my faimly doctor told me that too. My gut feeling is that he''s had enough. That he supported me the whole way because it was my dream, but at the end of the day, the reality, day to day living of it, isn''t what he thought. It''s too much. And when I got in, I told him I wanted to be a surgeon, and started working like that''s what I wanted. And then he just realized, what 10 more years of this is going to be like. And he wants out I guess. But that''s ok with me too, because I don''t think I should have to change who I am. SO GRRR.

It''s so de stressing to talk. I have class, but I''m going to come back later and respond to all of you wonderful ladies this afternoon. Thanks so much for being there!

Ally, I am so sorry to hear what you had to go though on Sunday. I don''t think I would have had the patience you had to stay there so long. You don''t deserve this abuse. He has been trying to regain what he perceives to be some semblance of control in your relationship by pulling these stunts. Totally Unacceptable!!!!

I do believe you know already what is going on with him. I think he is too immature to handle the sacrifices necessary to see you and your relationship through the next 10 years of school. You will both go through a lot of changes between now and then so perhaps you do need to take a break and see what happens down the road. Either way, I wish you all the best!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Date: 5/16/2006 11:38:21 AM
Author: FireGoddess
Hey Ally (thanks for what you said BTW, that was so nice!) - I am thinking about you and just wanted to reiterate something. It''s really bothering me that he could make plans with you, let you rearrange your entire day, only to go play baseball or whatever and just drop you and your plans together........................and in the same week ask you to go to a family function, promise you will be home at x time, and then deliberately get drunk and leave you hanging there with no way to leave. I feel like if he truly was upset about not getting to spend time with you or feeling neglected because of your studying, he would USE THE TIME wisely instead of (a) dissing you to go hang with friends and (b) being completely inconsiderate of you. There is a disconnect here, and HE is the one that needs to fix it. This behavior does not sound like the lashing out of someone feeling neglected, nor the pain of someone in mourning. It sounds like someone being a big ole JERK. Once your exam is over I think he has some serious explaining to do - I''m talking uncomfortable man-feeling explaining, otherwise, he needs to know that only when he stops being mean will there be anything to pursue between you.

Hey Ally~
It''s good to hear that you are doing alright considering the circumstances. I have to agree with FireGoddess on this one. Although he may very well be upset about x number of things right now, whether you decide to stay together or split up he needs to know that what he did is in no way acceptable. You''re better than that. Maybe the month apart will be a blessing...at least you''ll be busy studying so you won''t dwell on it, right? Hopefully he will and realize how you deserve to be treated (if that''s what you want of course.) I think you know we''re all thinking of you and wishing you the best! Good luck sweetie!
~Megan xoxo

 

[orangevixen]

ally.. i don''t have quite as much to say...you''ve been given so much amazing advice by the amazing women here. but i wanted to offer you a big {{{HUG}}}

 

[Mara]

hehe ally i feel better about the avatar now!!!

it sounds like you are doing the right thing for now, i can agree or see part of what you say about him acting out re: resentment on the way your schooling and future career path has taken you away from him .... and it is something to think about for the future definitely. however acting out like he did and making you feel powerless in that situation AND you not even getting to see your mother on mother's day is totally not acceptable. is he 12? that kind of male immaturity....ugh!

anyway i think there are some issues to work out so good luck and think of yourself first....because it sounds like you may be the only one in the relationship right now doing that. take care!!

 

[cutes814]

Ally,

I''m so sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. I think all the ladies made very good points here and it seems you know where you two stand. I just wanted to pop in and say that we are here to listen and my thoughts are with you.

Remember, you, yourself comes before anyone else!

 

[sk8rjen]

I''m late to chime in as always, but I just wanted to wish you good luck over the next month and everything that follows after that. I agree with Firegoddess on this one that he was being a jerk no matter how you look at it, but you seem to realize some things about yourself and your schedule that will help you in making important relationship decisions. I really hope it all works out to be everything you hope for eventually!!

((hugs))
jen

 

[ilovesparkles]

How are you doing ally? Been thinking bout you!

 

[Scintillating]

Date: 5/17/2006 11:45:26 AM
Author: ilovesparkles
How are you doing ally? Been thinking bout you!

I have too. Hope that you're doing okay. (I hope he is too.)
What are you going to do about the Engagement Party your family is throwing for you too?

Scintillating...

 

[allycat0303]

Scintillating, Ilovesparkles: I'm studying ALOT! I'm ok, a little depressed truth be told. He's called about about 2 dozen times, but I'm not answering the phone because I can't stand the emotional upheaval at this moment. But I really do miss talking to him, I just know that it would be a completely counterproductive thing to do right now. First there's the mad, and then the sadness sets in. I guess that's predicatable. Thanks for thinking of me ladies.

Milly, IrishAngel, Orange Vixen, Sk8rJen, Mara, and Decoded: Thanks for the warm thoughts and encouragement.

Firegoddess, hlmr: Uhmmm.....great minds must think a like. Actually, when I had just been thinking the EXACT same thing a few nights ago, and when I read the posts, I was like... yup, I'm not the only one that came to that conclusion. Took me a little while, but I thought of that too

.

Oh and funny enough, my parents cancelled the engagement party when his uncle died.. out of respect for his family. Funny isn't it by the way they were carrying on at the BBQ? I can't imagine why we did that. But it might turn out to be a blessing in disguise depending on if things work out of not.

PS fairy, I really need some good vibes for this test!

 

[anchor31]

Thanks for coming back to give us a bit of news. I hope the studying for the final from hell is going well! Still sending you good thoughts.

 

[KristyDarling]

Ally -- how are things going? How are your studies?

 

[galeteia]

Here I maybe putting my foot in it again (Sorry, Stephanie!) but I have to agree with all the ''red flag'' comments that have been made.

My father was your typical ''golden boy''; sunny, excessively intelligent, witty, charming, talented, and popular. Most women were in envy of my mother.

He was also an alcoholic who spent the majority of his focus on convincing himself and everyone around him that he didn''t have a problem. My mother doesn''t speak of it much, because she''s nearly a saint about not disparaging my father to me. It was only this year that I found out that in addition to being a psychological abuser, he was also a chronic philanderer.

My mother stuck it out for nine years, and I understand why-- my father is a master manipulator. He could convince you that your fanny was your elbow in 10 minutes or less. He is a dark genius, and used to hit me up with those ''do you still beat your wife?''-type questions where there is no ''good'' answer. When she had me, it gave her a reason to walk away for good. She got me, he got everything else, so I was raised without a lick of support from him. I haven''t spoken to him in 13 years.

What does all this have to do with you? Well, if your man is ''different'' when drunk, and likes his drink, it follows that if his drinking starts to increase, you may be in serious trouble.

I seriously question his choice to get drunk when he knew the schedule and had promised you would be back in time.

Also, I recognize in myself the urge to ''drown my sorrows'' when I am grieving or upset, and stay away from it because I know that will lead me down a bad path. Getting drunk knowing it will leave you stranded is a bad sign. I''ve found that people will act out whatever they are trying to keep hidden when they are drunk. ''in vino veritas'' as they say. (Handy having a housemate in 4th year latin!)

I really hope this gets worked out, one way or another. I''m rooting for you!

 

[anchor31]

Do you have any update for us, ally? How was the long weekend? When are you done with exams?