Totally Irrational Wedding Fears

[Independent Gal]

Around the net, I've sometimes seen posts about brides worrying others might be judgmental about their wedding, or being competitive about whose is 'nicer' or 'more fun'. I always think to myself 'who are these peoples' friends?' None of my friends would be even a titch judgmental or competitive about a wedding. Otherwise they wouldn't be my friends.

But, one of FI's friends has invited his girlfriend to come along to WP1. FI didn't even know she existed, until just recently. For some reason, I've become completely IRRATIONAL and concerned that this woman, whom I've never met, is going to be judgmental about me or my parents or the wedding. She's a baroness from a very old family. We have seen a picture of her, and she is all perfect looking and blond and pretty, and apparently she hangs with a very 'uppity' crowd. To compound things, people from her strata have, historically, been particularly bigoted toward my ethnic group. (FI's peeps, and my peeps have a long bloody history).

But that doesn't mean SHE is bigoted.

I have never met this woman. She could be the sweetest creature on earth! I have absolutely NO REASON to be feeling weird about this.

But for some reason I can't stop thinking about how she's going to turn her small perfect nose up at my clunky platform wedding shoes or that she'll think my parents don't have good manners. Or that we might wear the wrong thing for the wrong time of day... you know, the subtle stuff that Baronesses take in with mother's milk and people born in refugee camps (like my peeps) never master, even when they work their way up in life.

What's my problem? She very well could be the sweetest, least judgmental thing ever and care not a jot about WHAT shoes I'm wearing. But more importantly how did I magically morph into a crazy girl who gives a flying frakk WHAT some stranger thinks of her shoes!? This is so not like me.

Maybe it's a displacement thing. You know, instead of worrying about something real re the wedding, I'm focusing my anxiety on something I can handle because it doesn't actually matter.

Anyone else doing this? Focusing on dumb stuff? Like worrying a total stranger might not like her shoes?

Please, tell me to get a grip!

 

[Selkie]

Indy, you've got bride brain. It's OK. Everything will be fine and the crazy will be over soon.

Maybe you could print out this woman's picture and get out some marking pens. Draw a mustache on her. Give her horns and crosseyes. Throw darts at it. Take all the anxiety out on her. Then, when you meet her, instead of worrying that she's laughing at your shoes, you can laugh (INSIDE! That's important!

) at her instead.

I can only speak for myself, but from the details of your weddings you've posted here, I think they are both going to be so FABULOUS that not even a damn Queen (and CERTAINLY not some lowly Baroness, for goodness sake!) would dare snub it. So there!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Woman, get a grip!

I''m sure she''s a very sweet, wonderful woman and she will love your wedding because YOU love your wedding!

But let''s say she isn''t--let''s say she''s catty and judgemental and hates your fabulous shoes! Then what?

Then nothing! It won''t change the way you feel about your own wedding and more importantly, it won''t change the way you feel about marrying the man you love.

Everybody gets anxious about his/her own wedding--it''s an accumulation of a lot of anxieties: feeling emotionally overwhelmed, wanting everything to come together, hoping everybody has a great time. It''s completely normal to be anxious, but don''t worry about the Baroness. Or your shoes.

 

[Gypsy]

Oh honey. I get it. I do. My step father''s neices and nephews just married a few years ago, and they married .com millionares and billionares. Their weddings were so extravagant. I can''t even tell you. Two of them were featured in wedding magazines. So... I''m a little stressed about my little winery wedding with food and wine I''ve never tasted, when one of their weddings had a top local celebrity chef do all the TONS of food and the whole thing looked coordinated by Martha Stewart herself. And of course, they are coming to the wedding. And well... it stresses me out when I let it.


But... like the others said, you''ve got bride brain. Like bird brain only uglier more paranoid and MUCH less rational. In the end it doesn''t MATTER what this woman thinks or says, you''ll be married, happily, and if with her high brow upbringing she looks down her nose... it''s a reflection on HER poor breeding. NOT yours.

 

[goldenstar]

I''m doing that, focusing on dumb stuff. I was browsing our photog''s new website today and admiring all the new wedding pics she added. I saw beautifully coordinated linens, flowers, attire, stationary. Then I thought "What if the photog thinks my wedding sucks? She''s seen so many beautiful weddings, what if mine pales in comparison? What if there is nothing beautiful to photograph? Do I need to hire a designer? Will it be hopeless without a designer?" Even though I know that those thoughts are ridiculous, I couldn''t help feeling insecure. It was not a pleasant feeling.

I''m sure everything will be fine for you. Its just one woman that you don''t even know. All that matters is how you and FI feel. Plus, based on all the pics you''ve shared here, your wedding will be fabulous.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 3/13/2008 6:53:59 PM
Author:Independent Gal
Please, tell me to get a grip!

Get a grip!

I''d be more annoyed that my friend invited a new GF to my wedding at the last minute.

 

[Pandora II]

Trust me, she be more worried about impressing her new boyfriend!

Working where I do, I meet rather too many Baronesses on a daily basis.

One is coming to my wedding - my mother got in a total tizz, until I told her that she goes by her first name, her 18 year-old-daughter is dating some dodgy guy in his 40''s and driving her nuts etc etc Basically, she is a nice, normal-ish person who happens to have a fancy title.

People who are judgemental are like that because it''s the way they are inside, not because of who they are.

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks ladies! I have now officially gotten a grip.

All I needed was a nice plate of sushi and some beer and now I'm feeling like a normal human again.

It momentarily didn't help though, that I was telling FI over dinner about my sudden craziness and he said that, given her not-very-friendly crowd of friends, some of whom he knew in college, he thought it was pretty much a given that she WOULD be judgmental.

But seriously, what do I care? Other than today's sudden craziness, I don't. My wedding is not a performance.

End of nutty episode. Normal Indy-brain programming will resume shortly.

 

[TravelingGal]

Girl, you''re starting to lose it.

This is your wedding...not a freaking fashion show. You''re getting married to the man you love, remember? Now might be a good time to remember that.

You haven''t morphed into this overnight...from all your threads, it seems that this person''s opinon has worried you, or that persons feelings might be a concern for you. Please sit back and RELAX a bit. You want us to say it...OK, I will...

GET A GRIP!

 

[Independent Gal]

Worrying way too much about other peoples' feelings is, unfortunately, pretty normal Indy-brain programming.

Worrying about other peoples' thoughts about my shoes is less normal.

 

[Harleigh]

Oh, Indy, you crack me up! You are by far one of the most sane, absolutely together brides I''ve ever come across...for not just one wedding, but TWO!!! I think things have just gone too smoothly in your planning...you finished everything WAYYY too early, and now you''ve got too much time on your hands now and are coming up with things to worry about...things that matter not at all in the big scheme of things!

I agree, you''re just being silly...this gal''s got NOTHING on you, and I, too, would be more infuriated that this guy is bringing a date you didn''t know about at the last minute. She''s the one infringing on your special day, and being the baroness she apparently is, I hope you find her gushing w/graciousness and thanking you for allowing her to be a part of YOUR special day!

Gosh, I can''t wait to hear how this gal turns out...will stay tuned for an update after WP1!!!

 

[diamondfan]

Indy, I think you are so rational and poised in life but yet are feeling nervous and it is easy to fixate on this woman. She embodies certain things and now you have this image...which you know, as you stated, could be the furthest thing from the truth. I get what you are feeling, you hear the name and the lineage and see the photo and just think she is going to be a snob or look down her nose...but I think it is just an easy way to sort of vent out some fears, since you do not know her and the chances are she is fine. I think because she is a bit of a wild card, you know the others and feel a bit safer with them...

 

[zoebartlett]

Indy,

I''m glad you feel a little better. From what you''ve written about your weddings, I think they''re going to be amazing.


I''m just curious, what exactly does a Baroness do? Is it just a formal title with no real duties attached? Not that this matters to this situation but I''m just wondering. I think I''ll Google it.

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks guys. Yes, I''m definitely 100% over this. I took my clunky shoes out for a spin around the house last night. They don''t match my dress at ALL, but they make me tall, and they hardly show, and they are very ''me'', and FI likes them too. So I''m all ''Go Shoes!'' again. Plus, general anxiety has abated. I keep thinking of some the friends who are going to be there whom I haven''t seen in two years! That just makes me giddy with excitement.

And really, me and my parents are who we are. Sure, we''re not the most sophisticated and we don''t have the most refined manners in the world, but my parents are good, kind people who have made real contributions in the world. I''m so proud of them. And anyone with sense would only judge them in the best way.

Zoe, what this particular baroness does is to practice law. Some old families aren''t as rich as they once were (as in, people actually have to work!) and others do something for the sake of doing something. As far as I know, barons and baronesses don''t have any official duties.

Perhaps Pandora can clarify this with respect to England? But it does vary by country I''d guess.

As for why we are OK with her coming along, FI''s friend who is dating her was desperately in love with a woman for years who wasn''t into him. It was pretty tragic, and he wouldn''t date anyone else for years. He''s finally over her, and had been dating this new woman for about 6 months on the quiet. I think he was worried he wasn''t ready, and didn''t want people asking about it. Anyway, FI thinks that the fact that he now has asked if he can bring her (and so, be public about their relationship) is a really healthy and good sign after years of heartbreak and loneliness, so we wanted to be supportive.