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Walking away.
- Thread starter Gypsy
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LaraOnline
Ideal_Rock
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- Feb 24, 2008
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Date: 4/4/2009 2:44:18 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
Date: 4/2/2009 3:57:14 PM
Author: tlh
It''s a lot easier to walk away when you have the next one lined up already.
the first time you married for love. the second time you married for money.
It has never actually crossed my mind to do that (line up a future while planning to dump a current). I must be a moron.
gwendolyn
Ideal_Rock
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- Aug 4, 2007
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I personally think it''s much easier to hear that sort of advice from people in real life who know me, know my SO, know our relationship, who have witnessed and felt those uncomfortable "ooh something''s not right here" vibes than to hear it from people who don''t know me nearly as well (if at all) and only know things about my relationship that I have chosen to share with them. Some come here to vent, so we never hear that nice stuff--others never post about disagreements or problems and so we have a very rosy picture of their relationships, and others fall in the middle ground and post some of each. Although I have taken advice given to me on this board (admittedly never about leaving my man), I had to take it with a large grain of salt because I knew that I was biasing and putting a spin on my actual situation by the information I shared and even the words I used when describing things.
So, I don''t think it''s necessarily people being deliberately obtuse in asking for advice and then ignoring what is offered them. There is a LOT of missing information in any advice topic, which often times doesn''t come to light (at least to me) until I get responses and realize--"Oh, they don''t know that he does that, or that we always do this." So I would respond to clarify, but maybe come across sounding defensive to those who offered the advice in the first place.
I think, in general, both the advice-giver and the advice-receiver need to realize the words are never absolutes and are always tinged with tentative words because both sides know all the information hasn''t been shared. Which maybe sounds a bit "well, DUH, Gwen," but I think it seems like people sometimes get offended when their advice isn''t taken, or get offended when the advice given wasn''t what they were hoping to hear.
So, I don''t think it''s necessarily people being deliberately obtuse in asking for advice and then ignoring what is offered them. There is a LOT of missing information in any advice topic, which often times doesn''t come to light (at least to me) until I get responses and realize--"Oh, they don''t know that he does that, or that we always do this." So I would respond to clarify, but maybe come across sounding defensive to those who offered the advice in the first place.
I think, in general, both the advice-giver and the advice-receiver need to realize the words are never absolutes and are always tinged with tentative words because both sides know all the information hasn''t been shared. Which maybe sounds a bit "well, DUH, Gwen," but I think it seems like people sometimes get offended when their advice isn''t taken, or get offended when the advice given wasn''t what they were hoping to hear.
packrat
Super_Ideal_Rock
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- Dec 12, 2008
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- 10,614
Well..crap..is there any pie left? Day late and a dollar short, that''s me.
Just wanted to say that when I was younger I was never one to take relationship advice, no matter how often I asked for it. A series of conversations w/3 people in a short period of time while dating the guy I thought was "the one" managed to somehow stick into my brain and open my eyes. Somehow, I became empowered and broke it off w/him. (not to say there wasn''t a lot of crying and second thoughts afterwards) I kept thinking about what I''d been told by my mom and 2 coworkers, and realized I don''t *have* to put up w/something in a relationship I don''t like. I can try to change it, and if it''s met w/resistance or flat out "NO", then guess what, you don''t value this relationship the way you should, so I''ll be movin on, thankee kindly. I spent a lot of time by myself, (meaning, w/no boyfriend, not alone staring at the walls) to regroup. I dated 2 guys seriously after that, with some occasional dating in between. I never expected perfection, but I expected respect, appreciation, support and compromise. I didn''t get it from either of them. I tried to make it work, I didn''t give it 2 seconds for everything to go my way, throw my arms up in exasperation and leave.
JD has been my best friend for over 15 years. I''d finally had enough of dating, but wanted some..extra curricular activities w/out the strings. We''ve now been married for almost 7 1/2 years. He is my "love comes softly" moment. He also is the one who didn''t blanch at being expected to reciprocate in the relationship. We have our problems, who doesn''t? But the difference is, he is willing to work on things, same as I am. I actually called off our wedding at one point. And he stepped up to the plate so we could work it out-and that''s worth something.
Cripes but I am so rambly..I''d like to blame it on too much caffeine, but alas, no, that''s just me.
What I''m trying to say, is that what I believe, is that except for cheating and abuse which in my mind puts things on a whole ''nother level and should be dealt w/in the form of a big boot to his butt and "don''t let the door hitcha where the good Lord splitcha", I think a person should *try* to work things out. Not spend years bending over backwards and making themselves miserable to appease the Beast, but just try to work things out to the best of their ability, and to what they personally can put up with. This is of course all subject to the other person trying as well. At some point you do need to cut your losses and chalk it up to experience. Learn from mistakes and file it away for reference for the next relationship.
I hope nobody puts a caterpillar in my salad.
Just wanted to say that when I was younger I was never one to take relationship advice, no matter how often I asked for it. A series of conversations w/3 people in a short period of time while dating the guy I thought was "the one" managed to somehow stick into my brain and open my eyes. Somehow, I became empowered and broke it off w/him. (not to say there wasn''t a lot of crying and second thoughts afterwards) I kept thinking about what I''d been told by my mom and 2 coworkers, and realized I don''t *have* to put up w/something in a relationship I don''t like. I can try to change it, and if it''s met w/resistance or flat out "NO", then guess what, you don''t value this relationship the way you should, so I''ll be movin on, thankee kindly. I spent a lot of time by myself, (meaning, w/no boyfriend, not alone staring at the walls) to regroup. I dated 2 guys seriously after that, with some occasional dating in between. I never expected perfection, but I expected respect, appreciation, support and compromise. I didn''t get it from either of them. I tried to make it work, I didn''t give it 2 seconds for everything to go my way, throw my arms up in exasperation and leave.
JD has been my best friend for over 15 years. I''d finally had enough of dating, but wanted some..extra curricular activities w/out the strings. We''ve now been married for almost 7 1/2 years. He is my "love comes softly" moment. He also is the one who didn''t blanch at being expected to reciprocate in the relationship. We have our problems, who doesn''t? But the difference is, he is willing to work on things, same as I am. I actually called off our wedding at one point. And he stepped up to the plate so we could work it out-and that''s worth something.
Cripes but I am so rambly..I''d like to blame it on too much caffeine, but alas, no, that''s just me.
What I''m trying to say, is that what I believe, is that except for cheating and abuse which in my mind puts things on a whole ''nother level and should be dealt w/in the form of a big boot to his butt and "don''t let the door hitcha where the good Lord splitcha", I think a person should *try* to work things out. Not spend years bending over backwards and making themselves miserable to appease the Beast, but just try to work things out to the best of their ability, and to what they personally can put up with. This is of course all subject to the other person trying as well. At some point you do need to cut your losses and chalk it up to experience. Learn from mistakes and file it away for reference for the next relationship.
I hope nobody puts a caterpillar in my salad.
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