Wanting but Waiting...

[Octavia]

Oh my gosh, I'm glad I'm not the only one with a hubby who comes up with crazy names. We talk about it sometimes and he gets upset because I basically don't like anything he comes up with, and he said he's not going to name any kid of his something "boring" like John or Michael. It doesn't help that his last name is long and hard to pronounce for English-speakers, and my last name, which is also really long, will be the middle name. So the kids will definitely need a short and easy first name which sounds good in both DH's first language and in English! It's basically an impossible task and I have very little hope we'll ever come up with a mutually agreeable boy's name (there are actually a couple of girls' names we kind of agree on, or at least don't hate). Our list is so short to be almost nonexistent, not for lack of trying...

"Container" does beat my hubby's picks for sheer randomness, though.

And Haven, you have no idea how excited I am that we might be TTCing around the same time!

 

[Haven]

And Haven, you have no idea how excited I am that we might be TTCing around the same time!

Me too, Octavia! It will be so much fun to go through it together!

 

[megumic]

Geeeze. I just calculated a potential due date based on when we might start ttc. I really need to get a life!

 

[stephbolt]

Geeeze. I just calculated a potential due date based on when we might start ttc. I really need to get a life!

Then I need to get one too...

In my defense I was talking to a friend who is 7 months along in this heat wave we've been having and wondering when I'd need to conceive to avoid going through that myself.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Steph, where are you located? I have the same fears, but with a winter due date since we can get some wicked nor'easters in this part of the country!

Haven, it's really cute that you lurk on TTC--I did the same thing for so long that when I actually started posting, it felt kind of surreal, haha. I wished there was a wanting but waiting thread back then!

 

[stephbolt]

Steph, where are you located? I have the same fears, but with a winter due date since we can get some wicked nor'easters in this part of the country!

Haven, it's really cute that you lurk on TTC--I did the same thing for so long that when I actually started posting, it felt kind of surreal, haha. I wished there was a wanting but waiting thread back then!

NEL, I'm in the Philly area, so we definitely get a little of the winter weather issues here too! Realistically I know whenever it happens I'll be thrilled, but if I could pick I'd love a late spring baby.

I'm in the middle of reading a super interesting book about maternity care in the US. I already tend toward the crunchy side of things, so take my recommendation with that in mind, but if anyone else is interested it is called "Born in the USA: how a broken maternity system must be fixed to put women and children first." Definitely is giving me a lot to think about in terms of choosing a care provider for whenever I do stop waiting.

 

[Haven]

NEL--I agree, this thread really is wonderful for those of us who aren't ready to TTC yet but want to dip our toes into the pool. I'm going to need a decoder when I do join the TTC thread--all those acronyms!

Steph--That sounds like a great book rec, thank you! I've just started looking into the way maternity leave works at my school and it looks like it is entirely unpaid, it's called family leave, and we have to take it for an entire semester at a time. We can take family leave for two up to two consecutive semesters (not including summer) but it is all unpaid. I don't know why this surprised me, but it did. I've never spent any time looking at this issue, so I'll need to do more digging around.

We have a wonderful early childhood center in my school and MAN OH MAN is that expensive! It costs $284 a week for 5 day care for 2-3 year olds. We'll probably only need 3 days per week because I typically only teach 4 days a week and DH works for himself, but that is still $225 a week. I know childcare is expensive, but yikes! (I *almost* took a job at another school that waives all early childhood center tuition for faculty. I really didn't like that position, but what a fabulous benefit!)

Anyway, I've been poking around to try to determine some of the real costs that we'll have once we have a kiddo, and I'm learning a lot that is very surprising. DH and I plan to start putting away a fixed amount per month to try to mimic future baby costs so we can see what it's like to live without that money, and so we can build up a hefty baby fund at the same time.

Can you say overwhelming?

 

[Dreamer_D]

I feel like this is the toughest decision I will ever make, and it's really plaguing me at the moment. Anyway, thanks for giving me a place to vent!

Eventually, you just have to close your eyes and jump off the bridge, Haven! Your doubts never really go away, until you are pregnant, then other worries/doubts/anxieties take over .

ETA: And girl, you are a masochist to try living on a baby budget for a year before baby even comes. Dealing with the financial sacrifice when you HAVE TO is one thing, but I say enjoy your money now while you can, you have a loooong time with baby expenses to "enjoy" the suffering. Oh how I wish we had more disposable income before our kids came (I was in graduate school so money was tighter), there were so many things we wanted to do that are now on hold! Vacations, mostly.

 

[charbie]

I feel like this is the toughest decision I will ever make, and it's really plaguing me at the moment. Anyway, thanks for giving me a place to vent!

Eventually, you just have to close your eyes and jump off the bridge, Haven! Your doubts never really go away, until you are pregnant, then other worries/doubts/anxieties take over .

ETA: And girl, you are a masochist to try living on a baby budget for a year before baby even comes. Dealing with the financial sacrifice when you HAVE TO is one thing, but I say enjoy your money now while you can, you have a loooong time with baby expenses to "enjoy" the suffering. Oh how I wish we had more disposable income before our kids came (I was in graduate school so money was tighter), there were so many things we wanted to do that are now on hold! Vacations, mostly.

Ditto!
I always thought DH and I were going to to do something like this...saving money every month to get an idea of what its like. Instead what we have done is pay down debts with that money (a school loan, car loan, and the DP for the house) so that when baby comes, we have less in debt (even good debt) and the monthly payments we were making on those debts now equals the monthly payment we will have for childcare.
From other threads, I've gathered you are a very financially responsible team Haven, you're gonna be just fine. You've made the decision that you want kids, and I think you'll find the timing will be fine no matter when you decide. Heck, I thought now would be a pretty calm time for DH and I....knowing the only thing we would need to do before baby was move when we decided to start TTC. Next thing you know, we've built a house, are moving, DH changed jobs, had surgery....all major stressors in their own right....and all have happened in the past 6 months while pregnant! Haha!

 

[Haven]

Ooooh, DON'T ferret away the money now, you say? I could manage that.

I admit that the idea of having enough money is one thing that most stresses me out about becoming a parent. We just have so much *control* over our finances right now, and I know that will go out the window when we add a baby to the mix. (Meaning, I know a lot of unexpected expenses will come up.) I was raised in a financially desolate family, you could say, so the security that I get knowing exactly where my money is and is going has always been really important to me. I'm not much of a controlling person except when it comes to finances. I think being raised in an environment that was really centered on never having enough money is what did it to me. I remember some very hostile arguments between my parents, all focused on money, as well as the regular disappointments that come with being the poorest family in the neighborhood. We were by no means poor, but I did feel very poor at times due to our relative circumstances. I guess I'm saying: I blame my parents!

I understand what you're saying though, ladies. What if I put away something small like $500 a month to build up a fund just for baby? Even with putting the money away for a baby fund I still have it figured to continue paying extra on our mortgage, and to keep our vacation fund healthy, as well. I have some small, lingering student loans that we plan to have paid off by the end of 2011, so that's still in the plans, as well. Maybe I should set up a meeting for our financial adviser now that we have an actual time line.

I always do this, by the way. Once we have a time line set I have this ridiculous need to plan out a million things associated with it. Maybe I need to just CHILL.

P.S. I have spied both of your baby bumps in the pregnant PSers thread, DD and Charbie, and can I just say you are two adorable pregnant ladies!

 

[stephbolt]

Haven, I see where you are coming from with wanting to save some money pre-baby. That is one thing that factored into our timeline. My maternity leave will be largely unpaid, so I wanted to make sure that I can afford to take the maximum time I'm entitled to and that I won't feel forced back to work after only a few weeks because of financial stress.

Charbie, we are also following your plan and paying off some debts so we have more disposable income every month to handle the day-to-day expenses of a child. Seems like all those diapers and onesies can add up quickly!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I think it's probably a good idea to ferret away the money as well. Mostly because I know the kind of peace of mind it brings with a saver's mentality. We did the same thing last year before we planned to TTC--we lived on D's salary just to make sure it was "doable" and then saved mine. But things happen--Byron got sick and his chemo runs to the tune of $3K/month, so our savings had to be restructured. I'm really glad we ferretted when we did because life did not go as planned! And now, of course, I'm revisiting the idea of being a SAHM because if big expenses like that pop up again, it will severely stress me out! For me, lots of planning = happy NEL.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I did not ferret prior to our son as my priority has been paying off debt pre-baby. And as I mentioned, we did not have money to ferret at the time.

What I did was make a very compehensive budget so that I knew we could afford a baby and still make ends meet. No vacations though We have a good income, but live in an expensive area of the country.

I did the same thing in preparation for baby number 2, made a budget to ensure we could afford the extra child -- which equals $2000 in daycare payments and from my estimates, another $1000 per month in food/clothing/diapers Kids are expensive indeed!

And once I had the budget figured out we kept living our current lifestyle until it was time to switch it up.

I admit it was not so much of an adjustment -- my salary increased right at the point that we had a child in daycare and a mortgage, so in fact, we live the same lifestyle now we lived before kids. Not sure how it would have felt if we had lots of disposable income before. With adding our second, the cost of the second child is just coming out of the money presently put towards debt, so it also won't feel much different I suspect. Still no disposable income! haha

I grew up poor too Haven. I appreciate having money because of it, but at the same time I know that I had a great childhood without all the bells and whistles. My mom was a single parent and making ends meet was hard. But I never wanted -- second hand clothing and toys are still pretty nice for a kid. So its funny but I almost have the opposite reaction to you -- I feel like we are so rich now, and any complaints about money are ridiculous, and I know in a pinch we could make do on much less if we changes our lifestyle. One of my good friends is more like you are about money. So its funny how these things work out.

 

[Haven]

It is interesting how our approaches to money vary despite our similar experiences growing up, DD.

The thing I want to avoid is raising a child in a hostile environment due to lack of or desperate finances. I definitely appreciate everything we have, and I know we are so very lucky financially, so it's not that I'm ungrateful. I just like to keep stress out of my life whenever possible, and to be honest money was the biggest source of stress in my life as a child. It wasn't that we ever wanted for anything, it was that my parents were constantly fighting about money, and talking about it, and complaining about it, and I just hope to never have to do any of it. The soundtrack of my childhood could be a heated argument in the next room, voices screaming about money and how there's never enough of it. I suppose I'm just overcompensating for something that I experienced as a child, huh?

I always like the idea of allocating income to certain things for one other big reason, and it is this: I firmly believe that no matter what we take in, as long as it's sitting in our checking account we'll figure out a way to spend it. We could make a combined 50K a year, or 350K a year, but as long as it is there in our account, we'll spend what's there. This is why I like to put money directly into whatever savings we're working toward as soon as we get it, because I know if it's just sitting around in our checking account it will disappear! Maybe we're out of control, but I really feel like this is what happens. I need to get that cash into the right place before we find less worthy ways to spend it.

NEL--I definitely have a saver's mentality (big surprise, I know ) and lots of planning = happy Haven, for sure.

Now that I've typed this out I realize that I might be at risk of becoming just like my mother where money is concerned, which is actually something I've tried to avoid all these years. She has always been so overly fixated on money and worried about it that it really stressed her out. Since college I've been focused on avoiding the mistakes she's made and making sure that I'm financially responsible, yet here I am fretting about money! Argh. What an unwelcome revelation.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Haven if we had a lot of extra money to sit around in our account, I would likely do the same thing. But we don't. Our account is like a river with money pouring through it each month to disappear into oblivion! I look forward to the day in a couple years when things change once we have recovered from too many years in school and buying our home, but for now, I am basically a dollar babysitter, just looking after it for a while before it goes back to its real mommy.

I'm sorry there was a lot of conflict in your home about money. While true that one of the top thngs to argue about in a couple is money (I think the others are sex and housework), I also suspect that if your parents had not argued about money it would have been something else. Marital conflict is rarely about the topics people fight about, and is usually about deeper issues at hand. It's true that poverty -- as in living below trhe poverty line -- is very stressful, and money issues are cited as a leading cause of divorce, but I am not convinced that money is the root cause of conflict in many marriages, and perhaps is often a scapegoat issue.

There is nothing like parenthood, or impending parenthood, to cause one to look at one's own upbringing and beliefs, and to look hard at one's marriage. At least that's what I found. Its a good thing, I think, even when it is a little scary and disheartening.

 

[Haven]

Dreamer--You are so wise. I'm sure I've said it before, but I always appreciate reading your insightful posts here on PS.

AND, can I just say that I love your poetic renderings of your financial situation? Your account is a river . . . you a dollar babysitter. Are you sure you're not a writer?

You're correct. My parents were fighting about money, but they were also really fighting about the fact that my father was (and is) a pathological liar. Mostly about money, but nothing was off-limits. You wouldn't even believe the stories I have about the lengths to which he went to hide his financial indiscretions from my mom. What's more shocking is the fact that she put up with them for 30 years. (My fellow PSers will appreciate this one: One day my mom found her engagement ring was gone. My father said he brought it in to the jeweler for a checkup, and he had to fix something. The truth? It was at a pawn shop. Mmmhmmm. That's a mild example, but one that stabs the heart of any PSer, I'm sure.)

Anyway, DH and I are definitely finding that impending parenthood is causing a lot of reflection and discussion about our own childhoods and what we want to do better for our children. I've always been a very reflective person, I spend hours writing about and reflecting on my classroom and how different approaches work for my students, but these last few years have been the most intense reflection I've ever done on my own childhood and family. It definitely hasn't always been easy, but it's given us a lot to consider as we move forward with our plans to become parents. (And of course, I realize our own future children--you know, Container and Bridge--will probably be lamenting their own childhoods one day, and vowing to do it better than we did. The cruel reality, I know. )

I'm sorry if I've turned this thread into a place to vent some serious concerns I have, but I must say--I really appreciate the opportunity to do it!

 

[megumic]

Haven, no worries! Vent all you like! Wanting but Waiting involves more than just wanting a babe -- it's EVERYTHING leading up to that too! Gosh, more than I can even begin to mention since DH and I have discussed the cascade of changes that we *think* we know will come with a little one (who will inevitably tell us we are OH SO WRONG about everything we ever thought about parenthood!)

 

[megumic]

Also, just wanted to add, we're down to a five-month wait over here. We're going to give TTC a whirl on our first anniversary. Holy Freaking Moly I'm so ready.

How many weeks/months/years left for the rest of the WBW crew??

 

[stephbolt]

Time is going fast Meg!

I think I've mentioned our timeline before, I've got 2.5 weeks left on the pill, but our plan is to prevent for two more cycles after that. We will see how well we stick to that, both of us have a bit of baby fever right now! But preventing a little while longer would let me get through my first annual review/raise period at work without disclosing, as well as enjoy wine during our trip out to SF in September.

I ordered a BBT yesteday, I'm nerdily excited to start charting my cycles.

 

[stephbolt]

Has anyone tried cutting back on caffeine? I admit I'm a 3ish cups of coffee/tea a day girl and I have no idea how I am going to deal with cutting it out. I don't get nearly enough sleep so I really need it to get my brain working when I get to work in the morning. Any suggestions for cutting back are welcome!

 

[Haven]

Has anyone tried cutting back on caffeine? I admit I'm a 3ish cups of coffee/tea a day girl and I have no idea how I am going to deal with cutting it out. I don't get nearly enough sleep so I really need it to get my brain working when I get to work in the morning. Any suggestions for cutting back are welcome!

I have real fears about this. Seriously! I drink one large travel mug of coffee every morning, and I love it. LOOOOOOVE it. Maybe I'll start weaning myself off a bit at a time now so I won't miss it quite so much when we actually start TTC.

How exciting for you, Steph and Meg, that you're going to be trying soon! We're still a year away at the very least, so no countdowns here.

I am sad about one thing, though: I've wanted to name my first daughter Philippa ever since I was a little girl, nickname Pippa. Now that Pippa Middleton is in the public eye, I hope the name doesn't become super popular in the U.S. I really don't want my children to have to go by their first and last names because there are three Pippas in every classroom. Stupid concern, I know, but I feel like Charlotte from SATC when she learned that Laney was going to name her baby Shayla. I first saw the name in a book when I was around ten, and have loved it ever since. I feel silly even writing that out, but it's the truth! Maybe we will have to go with Container--at least we know it won't be popular.

 

[blacksand]

We're about a year and a half away from TTC still. Sadness. My prescription for HBC just ran out, and my doctor is now making me come in for a full battery of expensive screenings before he'll renew it. I cannot tell you how tempted I am to just say screw it, let's just see what happens. But alas. Just not in the cards right now.

Haven, I hate when that happens. I loved loved loved the name Emma as a kid, and it wasn't terribly common among young people at the time. Then it skyrocketed to the top of the top ten list, and now there are Emmas everywhere. I lost my love for the name. That makes me sad. I hope Philippa will fair better. I have a hard time imagining it becoming very popular in the US, but who knows?

 

[random_thought]

I just wanted to chime in that the money factor is largely based on where you live so that is something people might want to research as well. I was told I'd be paying thousands every month or so...We pay 168-225 a week for daycare (depending on dh's schedule) and 20-30 a week for food, diapers, etc. All of our clothes are hand me down's as well as some of the furniture. Also we received hand me down toys from the last year or so; so not out of date or anything. And we are coupon maniacs! I think the largest part comes from the actual hospital bill. I've read about people paying as little as 700 and as much as (and I kid you not) 70,000 for hospital stays.

 

[Lauren8211]

Has anyone tried cutting back on caffeine? I admit I'm a 3ish cups of coffee/tea a day girl and I have no idea how I am going to deal with cutting it out. I don't get nearly enough sleep so I really need it to get my brain working when I get to work in the morning. Any suggestions for cutting back are welcome!

You don't have to cut it out completely! They recommend you stay under 200mg/day. Its not so bad when you look at how much is in stuff:

A cup of tea has about 50mg. 8 oz of coffee has about 137. If you have both every day, you're still under!

I'm a coke addict - but one can has about 35mg. Thank goodness!

 

[stephbolt]

Has anyone tried cutting back on caffeine? I admit I'm a 3ish cups of coffee/tea a day girl and I have no idea how I am going to deal with cutting it out. I don't get nearly enough sleep so I really need it to get my brain working when I get to work in the morning. Any suggestions for cutting back are welcome!

You don't have to cut it out completely! They recommend you stay under 200mg/day. Its not so bad when you look at how much is in stuff:

A cup of tea has about 50mg. 8 oz of coffee has about 137. If you have both every day, you're still under!

I'm a coke addict - but one can has about 35mg. Thank goodness!

I love you elle! Maybe my goal for July will be to cut back to 2 cups coffee in the morning then instead of my current 3+?

 

[charbie]

Has anyone tried cutting back on caffeine? I admit I'm a 3ish cups of coffee/tea a day girl and I have no idea how I am going to deal with cutting it out. I don't get nearly enough sleep so I really need it to get my brain working when I get to work in the morning. Any suggestions for cutting back are welcome!

You don't have to cut it out completely! They recommend you stay under 200mg/day. Its not so bad when you look at how much is in stuff:

A cup of tea has about 50mg. 8 oz of coffee has about 137. If you have both every day, you're still under!

I'm a coke addict - but one can has about 35mg. Thank goodness!

I love you elle! Maybe my goal for July will be to cut back to 2 cups coffee in the morning then instead of my current 3+?

I cut back a bit on caffeine, but yeah, haven't cut anything completely from my diet but alcohol. And even then had 2 little sips at my cousins wedding. I've been craving tuna, a supposed no no on one hand, but really good for omega 3s and dha (brain development). Anything is ok in moderation, just like before you get pregnant. My doctor has not once advised me on what to eat or what not to eat.

There is no need to be overly cautious or else you'll stress yourself out which is probably worse for you than that piece of sushi you ate.

 

[Clairitek]

I have some intense baby fever but am on the ~10 months out from TTC train that Octavia and Haven seem to be on. I am finding that when I am around really small kids I have a really hard time not watching them. I was at a BBQ last week with a 9 month old boy and 14 month old girl and I could hardly follow the conversations in the group of adults because I was so distracted by the children. Doens't help that all of a sudden kids seem to be drawn to me. The little 9 month old boy was cuddling me within moments of meeting me and the little girl kept running up to me as well. Gah. BABIES!

But, due to my job and also an all-expenses-paid two week trip to Tuscany in late September 2012 I really don't want to have a child before winter 2012. I don't mind being pregnant on that trip to Italy but I don't want to be further than 5 months or os. Additionally, DH and I don't feel like we have recovered enough from the money we lost on our home sale last October and built up our nest-egg enough to feel stable in affording a child.

So I suppose I'll be around these parts for a while with you guys! I am off BC now (I think I've mentioned that before) so we're using the fun rubbers. I don't trust my charting enough to TTA naturally.

And Steph, no worries if you manage to get pregnant before your visit with us in CA. We could always use a dedicated DD!

 

[blacksand]

I'm off BC now too, because my prescription ran out and my doctor is making it very difficult to renew! I keep putting off making an appointment. It's hard to motivate myself to do it when I don't really want to be on HBC anyway. But I know I must. At least for now.

My cousin, who will be my matron of honor and has always been like a sister to me, just announced that she is pregnant! I really wasn't expecting it, since she and her husband have been married for 7 years now and the topic of babies has just...never come up. But I am so excited! This time I don't feel jealous or upset at all. Just so excited to meet this little baby, who will be like a niece/nephew to me. So I will have a nephew via my FSIL in just a few weeks, and another niece/nephew (really a cousin once removed, but it feels like a niece/nephew!) in February (quite possibly on my birthday). So many babies to spoil! I have already been shopping. It took me all of 15 minutes after the announcement to go shopping. It was bad. There was a lot of eye-rolling from FI.

And then FSIL told us yesterday that she would like to have us come to the hospital for the birth. She and her husband tend to be very private people, so I was floored that she would want us there (or anybody, for that matter). But she wants us there for the baby's first moments in the world, and I cannot wait!

 

[blacksand]

Well, my nephew had other plans, and was born exactly one month and one day early. We got to the hospital right after work, and the baby came just before midnight. Of course, we couldn't be in the room for the delivery, but I still feel like I got to experience a little of the miracle of birth. It was just amazing seeing that tiny little boy in his first moments! Because he came early, his lungs need a little help, so they have him on oxygen for now. They expect he will be able to go home on Monday or Tuesday. So we got to see him only briefly as they whisked him off to the NICU, but it was still amazing. His mom and dad are doing well and were so happy we could be there with them. I just can't wait to hold that baby! I hope he will be home soon.

 

[FrekeChild]

Here is a little suggestion that I never considered before, well, before it was too late.

READ YOUR INSURANCE PLAN.

Turns out my insurance (that I am still currently on) does not cover ANY maternity benefits. They also do not offer a maternity rider. So I have had to go insane trying to find insurance because really, paying for maternity care and delivery out of pocket is not so feasible (Medicaid! Oh no, you make way too much money. Oh, there is this one program, oh wait, they stopped it due to lack of funds. Here is another program, only it takes 2 months to get accepted, you still have to pay 20% of everything, and you have to produce 50 documents. Etc.)

Luckily my employer decided to offer insurance recently. I had just gotten approved for the 50 document insurance plan, and two days later I find out that they decided to offer insurance, so woot for me getting cheaper medical care, but boo that we had to go to the trouble of trying to get that other insurance coverage first!

So yeah. Read your insurance coverage.