Wanting but Waiting...

[megumic]

I'm clerking my first year out and my hours will be 8:30 to 4:30 with a one hour lunch break. That amounts to a 7 hour per day job, 35 hours per week. Let's even say I put in one extra hour of work per day and say it's 40. After that I plan to work in legal services which has a similar schedule, as does government and other public interest jobs. So yeah, those hours do in fact exist in the legal world, but not in the corporate legal world of course.

How I wish this were true! I am a public interest lawyer that works 60-80 hours a week, and most of my friends who are in public interest work over 50 hours a week at minimum. At one point, I figured out that I was earning the equivalent of $12/hour. With a law degree.

Clerkships do have regular hours, but when you have several opinions to finish, all-nighters aren't uncommon. When my DH clerked, he worked a lot at home. I'm sure there's a lot to be said for that if you're a parent, but that's still time that you can't focus all your attention on your child.

My dad stayed at home with us for about a year while my mom worked. My dad was starting a business from home, but it took things a while to really take off for him. I remember that my friends thought it was really strange that my dad was home, but my mom was not. I didn't think it was that weird, but the reality is that expectations are still very different for fathers and mothers. I think the term "working mom" accurately reflects the fact that women are the ones bearing the brunt of juggling these competing interests in their lives--whether that's fair is another question, of course.

I suppose my assessment of legal services work schedule is probably different based on geographic location. But generally, I agree with you. You put in more hours than you're paid for and spend lots of outside of work time working. I won't disagree. But I think there is a substantial difference in working 60-80 hours per week at a firm where you're chained to your desk/blackberry/brief/files, etc. versus 60-80 hours per week PI -- you do it b/c you're committed to the work, the cause, the client, etc. It's a whole different ball game in my opinion and accordingly feels different as an attorney. But I maintain that it would provide a more flexible work-life balance for a new mom than would other legal positions.

 

[megumic]

I just can't agree. I think the experience of having a career while raising children as a mother (not just a job for income but the broader idea of having a professional life and identity) is a unique experience and that the terminology fits the concept. Also, 8 hours a day? Where? I am not seeing legal jobs where you can expect to work less than 60 hours a week.

Okay, so let's agree that it is a unique experience to be a mother who also has a career. You seem to be saying that it is in fact harder to be what you call a "working mom." I don't agree with that. I also don't agree that having "just a job for income" is easier than having a professional career. If that's what you're trying to say, I find it patronizing.

It's different for everyone, but mothers who are not employed also have a very difficult job and I think you're over idealizing to say being a "working mom" is harder. Since neither you nor I have children, I don't think either of us is particularly qualified to answer this one, but would love to hear it from others out there if anyone is willing to chime in.

Since I am spamming your thread I will do it one more time I am a mother and I have a career that is central to my identity.

I stayed at home for 10 I enjoyed the first 6 months a lot, but when the novelty of not working wore off, it was mostly boring and monotonous. Yup, I said it. My kid did not fulfill all of my needs, and I am fairly certain that I did not fill all of his either (I am not 4 adults with early childhood education, 11 other toddlers, sport ball, music lessons, art projects every day, and on and on and on). My close female friends, all of whom are professors as well and have 1-2 kids, felt the same way. Love our kids to death, prefer not to stay home full time. And are much happier and fulfilled and better parents when we are working. Some women feel the reverse, and prefer staying home with their kids. But I can honestly say that my sampling of "working mothers" is filled with women who enjoy working much more than staying home full time, and do not find it more difficult to work than stay home.

We have the luxory of being able to afford very high quality child care, though. And have jobs that are personally rewarding and fulfilling. If either of those things were not true, then it would have been a very different story. We also were able to stay home with our kids for a year if we chose, which again changed how we perceived the whole thing. Like so much in life, choice makes a big difference to how one perceived the difficulty of a task.

Well said. I appreciate your candid opinion on this!

 

[blacksand]

Sidestepping the debate here.

Small update, but I'm excited. FI and I are planning our wedding for December 2012. We talked about finances last night, and came to a big conclusion. As much as I want to leave my current job, it doesn't make sense for me to quit next summer as planned. We need money for a wedding, and to save for our future. We also decided it was probably not a great idea for me to be pregnant during what might be my first year of teaching (if I even find a teaching job), and that in many districts, I wouldn't even be able to take maternity leave until after my first year. Basically, all things considered, we decided I would stay at my job until the wedding. After the wedding, we'll start TTC. Immediately! If all goes well and we get pregnant, I'd stay at my job, with my insurance benefits, and putting aside extra money, through the pregnancy until maternity leave. Then I'd resign. After staying home with baby for a while, we'd decide what to do next. I could still go back and finish my MA then, and work on finding a teaching job. My grad school has a really wonderful day care facility that's cheap for students, so it could be done. We'll see.

Lots of variables here, of course. My company might lay me off. We might have trouble getting pregnant. But we now have a plan. And since that plan involves TTC as early as the honeymoon, I am very excited about it! I can put up with a job I don't like for a little longer, if it makes for a much brighter future!

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

BlackSand: How exciting that you guys are planning for your future... including your future LO! That TTC time will be here before you know it. It's only a little over 1.5 years away! What industry are you currently in? Your post made it sound as if you're going back to school for a Masters and then want to pursue a career in education. Is that right? What subject area? I apologize for the 100 questions, but I happened into the teaching profession in a round-about way and absolutely love it. My license is currently Social Studies. The market is bleak, but I have no regrets. I'm one week way from finishing the licensure program and will take a few more classes to complete a Masters in Special Ed, though I'll be teaching S.S. full time next year.

 

[blacksand]

That's right, I'm now working on a Masters in Teaching, which will also culminate in a teaching certificate for Early Childhood and Special Education. I'm finishing the last of my classes this school year, but then I will have to do a year of student teaching, which will require me to leave my job.

My situation is almost the opposite of yours, I think! I've wanted to teach for a long time, but other things just kept getting in the way. I studied French and International Relations in college. Didn't know what I wanted to do after college, so I started subbing, and then teaching, at the nursery school where my mom works. I loved it, but couldn't survive on the pay, and wanted to move out of my parents' house! I actually went to France for a while after that and taught English to 3rd-5th graders. I decided then to enroll in the Masters program and become a teacher. The problem was, I still needed money, so I took a job in NYC teaching English, French, and Portuguese part time to adults at a private language school. Then they offered me a full-time supervisor position. Then I got moved to the national headquarters of the chain of language schools in New Jersey. So now I sit in a cubicle in a big office building and do admin. work. I never interact with students or teachers. I'm forced to implement initiatives I don't agree with every day, and then retract them the next day when they don't work. I'm not happy with the direction the company is moving in, and, though I think our methods of instruction are quite good, I don't really want to be in the private sector, offering our products to wealthy adults. I want to be in the public sector, teaching children of all different backgrounds. Somehow, I got really far away from that. I'm trying to get back now, but it's really difficult to do, financially. And with all of our plans for the future, it seems best to just stay put for a while.

 

[megumic]

Here's to hoping I'll be celebrating Mother's Day next year!

Happy Mother's Day to all the fabulous PS Moms!

 

[Pandora II]

My contribution to the Career Mothers versus SAHM debate.

I've been a SAHM since my daughter was born in May 2009. I'm in the UK so I automatically had a year of maternity leave. Unfortunately I had to sue my former employer when they tried to make me redundant after I told them I was pregnant. We settled out of court in the end but it left me with no job to return to.

My daughter had very severe separation anxiety and so it would have been hard to go back after the first year (if I had HAD to go back we would have found a way to cope but it would have been very, very hard as she would easily scream for 3-4 hours non-stop and none of the daycares round here will take them if they do that. Even baby-sitters refused to return.)

I'm now in the process of starting my own business so that I can hopefully have the best of all worlds... no boss, flexible hours, time with Daisy and time to myself.

Going to work was much, much easier than being at home with a baby all day - and I ran political events and fundraising as well as being a local politician so my work-days were incredibly long and pretty stressful.

I think it partly depends on the child you have and the amount of help you have. Mine is not the easiest of children and a day out with her pretty much guarantees reaching for the migraine tablets when I get home. She has never napped, doesn't watch TV and doesn't go to bed till 9pm (if we put her to bed earlier she just wakes up at 10pm and won't go back to sleep till midnight) so it's a long day with a kid who literally never stops and needs constant supervising. Yesterday afternoon I had some meetings and I was out for 5 hours and even though I was working it was just so, so nice to have a break and be able to use the bathroom alone and make a phone call without someone demanding my phone to play with.

None of our relatives live near us so I don't have anyone who can give me a break even for a couple of hours a week and we can't afford childcare at the moment. In fact one of the reasons I am working for myself is because I wouldn't have been able to find a job in my fields that would enable me to cover childcare plus 50% of the mortgage let alone anything else. Daycare here is around $2k a month.

On the other hand you don't feel quite so guilty being a SAHM, although you do feel that your child isn't getting the stimulation and interaction with other children that they would at nursery/day-care so you spend your life doing trips to zoos, museums, play areas, doing painting, stories, nursery rhymes etc and feel guilty as hell that you have all this time with your child and you are either a) not making the most of it or b) wishing you could escape for a while!.

One thing I will say is that once you've got the baby most women find that their feelings towards their career change quite dramatically and it no longer holds the importance in their lives that it once did.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

One of my best friends from high school called me today to say that she is going to need my help with the food for her birthday next week because she is 8 weeks pregnant (and as sick as a dog)

Anyway they tried for about 18 months before using IVF as she had a tube removed and the other one was pretty damaged and blocked and chances of conceiving naturally were very slim. That resulted in a beautiful little girl last year. They were planning on using IVF again later this year so imagine their surprise when she found out she got pregnant naturally!

I'm so happy for them, and it has given me baby fever again! Team that with watching Ellens mothers day special and all those pregnant women and babies... Urgh!

 

[kama_s]

Just wanted to say: I would like to officially be part of this group. And that I didn't know how much pleasure this realization would bring.

The career vs. home debates you guys are having is something that I, too, am struggling with. I am applying for business school, which means I will be back in an intense program for the next two years. And I would prefer to have a year of employment post b-school under my belt before trying for a baby, for two reaons: experience and getting a paid year of mat leave. But that is pushing things 3 years (at minimum) down the road, and I do not want to wait that long.

I have PCOS and infertility runs in my family. So I know getting knocked up will not be easy feat for me. But if I get pregnant during b-school, I am essentially picking family over a career - and sadly, my career has become a part and parcel of my identity.

Everyone around me claims that there is no disadvantage to being a woman in the workforce. Yet, everywhere I go I see clear and distinct discrimination - might not be overt, but it is there. I was discussing getting pregnant during b-school with another MBA student, and he essentially said that he wouldn't want me to be part of his group because my priority wouldn't be school. Little things like that result in inherent prejudice against women who are trying to maintain a balance between family and work. It's just absolute bullshit.

Anyways, if anyone has any ideas/advice/recommendations for me - I would gladly sop it up.

 

[MuffDog]

I work in a field where it is SUPER obvious that women who have kids are at a significant disadvantage over their male and childless female counterparts. (I'm a lawyer)

The only way I've seen it done is where a woman has a baby, takes a very short mat leave (3-6 months or less - which is very unusual in Canada) and works from home while off. Then they come back to work, have a full time nanny (maybe 2 depending on how many kids they have) and continue working as normal, going home to see their kids only when work allows it.

I actually knew a woman who had just had twins. She came back to work, busted her ass all day, went home for the babies' bedtime and then CAME BACK TO THE OFFICE.

So I'm well aware that if I have kids, it will put me onto 'the baby track' rather than the partnership track. Because there is no way in hell I will do what I see the female partners with kids do.

I've kind of just accepted it. Part of me actually understands it (although my feminist side is cringing as I write that) - but I definitely know that I'm not going to be 'the execption'. I know that choosing to have a family will mean that I'm choosing to possibly not have the career I've been working towards. I truly believe that in my field, you can't have it both unless you modify what type of parent/family you are going to be.

Sad, eh?

 

[charbie]

Just wanted to say: I would like to officially be part of this group. And that I didn't know how much pleasure this realization would bring.

The career vs. home debates you guys are having is something that I, too, am struggling with. I am applying for business school, which means I will be back in an intense program for the next two years. And I would prefer to have a year of employment post b-school under my belt before trying for a baby, for two reaons: experience and getting a paid year of mat leave. But that is pushing things 3 years (at minimum) down the road, and I do not want to wait that long.

I have PCOS and infertility runs in my family. So I know getting knocked up will not be easy feat for me. But if I get pregnant during b-school, I am essentially picking family over a career - and sadly, my career has become a part and parcel of my identity.

Everyone around me claims that there is no disadvantage to being a woman in the workforce. Yet, everywhere I go I see clear and distinct discrimination - might not be overt, but it is there. I was discussing getting pregnant during b-school with another MBA student, and he essentially said that he wouldn't want me to be part of his group because my priority wouldn't be school. Little things like that result in inherent prejudice against women who are trying to maintain a balance between family and work. It's just absolute bullshit.

Anyways, if anyone has any ideas/advice/recommendations for me - I would gladly sop it up.

I've also thought long and hard about how to advance my career post-babies, and how unfair it seems that because I have the uterus, my career path can't be as linear was my husband's.
And then it hit me. I'm a young woman, in my late 20s, and even if I did push off babies for 10 years to make my career happen, I've still got 30 more years of work potentially ahead of me. Yuck. I love my career, but I love my time with family more. So for me the choice was this: become stable in my position, have babies while at a comfortable position at work (meaning im not the low man, but not a head honcho) and ride it out for a bit. Once my kids are more self sufficient, I will have plenty of time to do whatever it is I desire to do with my career. I work in a field where you can hang out pretty much at any level of management and no one will think any different of you should you decide to not move up quickly.
While work satisfies me, family completes me. Family can't fire me. I was so touched yesterday reading statuses people had up on fb talking about how amazing their mothers are. Everyone said how their mom was the best, all the special things moms did for them...how amazing that I get to be that person for my kids!? Maybe im someone who craves instant gratification, but I couldn't see myself putting off having children bc of work.
Only you will know what is best for you. My husband and I just bought a new home (as did you, IIRC) and we both were thinking, "wow. Why have this great new house with 5 bedrooms, playrooms, extra bathrooms, etc. if we have no one to share it with?" I want to enjoy my kids when Im young, and then if I want to explore more career options, I will. I figure my experience that ill continue to gain at the current level I am at will only serve as an asset, instead of being rushed through the corporate ladder while missing a rung along the way.
My recommendation- take a look at what your goals are and when you want to accomplish them. Could you be satisfied doing what you do and starting a family now? Are the benefits of going to school now better than the benefits of starting a family now?
Also, how does your husband feel about a family timeline? Mine wanted to get started sooner rather than later...he is turning 30 tthis year and we want 2-3 kids, and he wanted to be done having kids by 35

 

[Haven]

Does anyone ever experience periods of NOT wanting?

 

[stephbolt]

Does anyone ever experience periods of NOT wanting?

DH and I have discussed trying in six months or so, once I'm established in my new job. I have moments where that seems way too soon, I can't imagine giving up our free time and sleep and my body, when I wonder if we are crazy, if we should wait another six months or a year or five years.

But, I don't doubt my desire to be a mother at some point, which I'm guessing is what you are asking...

 

[megumic]

Does anyone ever experience periods of NOT wanting?

Totally. There are days when I'm like, okay, let's go have a crazy college-like weekend and forget about this whole being adults thing! Then I remind myself that more than three glasses of wine and I'm in the dog house with my liver for about 24 hours!

I also think about the peace and quiet I sincerely enjoy just sitting on the couch right now, without a care in the world. The dishes aren't done, the laundry has piled up and I haven't dusted in weeks -- but it doesn't matter b/c it's just DH and I and we could do it all in one day if we wanted to. But if we had a bambino, we'd probably feel much differently.

I think about NYE and vacations and parties and think, "Oh, I couldn't drink! Such a bummer!"

That said, I think my desires to have a baby and the periods of wanting far outweigh the periods of not wanting...

 

[sctsbride09]

Haven- YES, 1000%. I think for me its because I never wanted kids before, and DH and I have only recently changed our minds. Sometimes I just.cant.wait. and others, Im like do I REALLY want kids? Its a HUGE decision, and not something you can ever take back/change, so I think its ultimately a good thing to question so much and really think through. I know plenty of people who have children and wish they would have waited, and even a few who have kids and regret it. I dont want to be one of those people.

There are days when I love my relationship and the ways things are with DH right now, that I truly struggle thinking about throwing a baby into the mix. The idea of our relationship turning to crap after a child scares me, and if Im 100% honest..If I KNEW for a fact that having a kid would do that, then I would rather it be just us. The truth is, sometimes I lurk in the baby pages here and it scares me that alot of the people on there have huge relationship changes, most of the time NOT in a good way, THAT is what scares me. I feel like Im so lucky to have DH, and that if we go ahead and have kids, Im pushing my luck, ya know? Also, alot of people I know with kids say that their marriage was GREAT pre-kids, and after? Forget about it, forget sex, forget private conversations, romantic time alone, etc.

Sorry, guess Im no help at.all. But, I just wanted you to know you arent alone in your feelings.

 

[Haven]

Megumic and Sctsbride--THANK YOU! It feels really good to know I'm not alone.

Megumic--What you described about sitting on the sofa without a care in the world is akin to the situation I'm in when I most often have doubts about whether I really want to have children. I do a lot of reading and writing and contemplating while sitting on my favorite sofa, and I will sometimes stop and think "If we have a child I will be giving up most of these moments." I KNOW we'll get a lot of different moments in return, but sometimes the doubt overwhelms the desire.

Sctsbride--Thank you for sharing your fears about a baby changing your relationship with DH. That's something I haven't really thought of before, and like you I would opt out of having children if I knew it would sour our relationship. It does feel good to know I'm not alone!

It's strange because I've had these wavering feelings my entire life. I went through a period of time in high school when I was sure I would never have children. Then I was certain I wanted children for a long time during my early and mid-twenties. Then again I wasn't so sure, but recently I decided I did want children. Now I'm 30 and I think the pressure of feeling like I'll have to make a decision within the next several years has brought these mixed emotions back to the forefront.

Ultimately, DH and I want to have children. We even discuss names on a fairly regular basis, and we often discuss important issues about how we would like to raise children. But then I'll get this wave of doubt that washes over me without any warning, and I feel like I'm drowning in it. It makes me doubt whether I'm supposed to be a mother.

But then I picture us 30 years from now and all I can imagine are scenes with our grown children that don't yet exist, and whom I'm not entirely sure I really want to have. It's all very confusing. The good news is that I'm not in a rush to make any decisions just yet, and DH is pretty much amenable to whatever time line I choose to put into place, so I am free to continue in my wavering.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Does anyone ever experience periods of NOT wanting?

I posted on this thread when it first started, and at that time, I was distraught with the thought of not being pregnant NOW! The idea of waiting until this summer or this fall or *gasp* next year to start trying had me in tears. Then I moved to Japan with my husband, evacuated to Guam for a month after the earthquake, now I'm back in the states until August with all these fun trips planned (New Orleans, Milwaukee, and Miami), not to mention the possibility of traveling this fall back in Asia to Thailand and other places. I haven't ever not wanted children someday, but I will say that at the moment, that irrational feeling of despair at not being pregnant is completely absent and has been replaced with a contentment and happiness with all the fun I'm going to have this year. My husband and I will start trying in August when we are together again, but realistically, we probably won't be pregnant until 2012 even if everything goes perfect, and I'm kind of excited about all the fun stuff we will do until then.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Just wanted to say: I would like to officially be part of this group. And that I didn't know how much pleasure this realization would bring.

The career vs. home debates you guys are having is something that I, too, am struggling with. I am applying for business school, which means I will be back in an intense program for the next two years. And I would prefer to have a year of employment post b-school under my belt before trying for a baby, for two reaons: experience and getting a paid year of mat leave. But that is pushing things 3 years (at minimum) down the road, and I do not want to wait that long.

I have PCOS and infertility runs in my family. So I know getting knocked up will not be easy feat for me. But if I get pregnant during b-school, I am essentially picking family over a career - and sadly, my career has become a part and parcel of my identity.

Everyone around me claims that there is no disadvantage to being a woman in the workforce. Yet, everywhere I go I see clear and distinct discrimination - might not be overt, but it is there. I was discussing getting pregnant during b-school with another MBA student, and he essentially said that he wouldn't want me to be part of his group because my priority wouldn't be school. Little things like that result in inherent prejudice against women who are trying to maintain a balance between family and work. It's just absolute bullshit.

Anyways, if anyone has any ideas/advice/recommendations for me - I would gladly sop it up.

AARG my big long reply got eater. Here is a shorter version.

I feel your pain, my field is traditionally hostile to women and specifically motherhood as well. Here is my advice.

1) Do what is right for your and your family and things will work out in the end if you are willing to be flexible both in your expectations of yourself at work and as a mother.

2) Choose a graduate programe with female faculty and ideally female faculty with kids. I did this and it made a big difference to the attitudes and environment I was in. Then choose your job based on the attitudes and envionment wrt family and motherhood. You can suss it pretty quickly -- does anyone have kids? Do the women take leave? What are the attitudes? Then kick butt at your job and do what you like wrt timing of your family. The govenment protects women's rights to reproductive freedom in Canada, and allows us to take paid leave, so it is illegal to discriminate based on the choice to have kids. Take advantage of that right, but at the same time be so good at your job that people cannot accuse you of being a slacker (I am sure this will be easy for you). If your work environment or educational environment is openly hostile, you can choose to fight the power or go elsewhere. Discrimination is discrimination, and we women just have to accept that reality and decide how we are going to work to change it. I think more women making the tough choices we are all talking about and modelling different ways of working and mothering is the only way that things will ever change in the future.

3) Change your definiton of motherhood. You can be a great mom and go back to work after 6 months if you choose. Hire help part time so you can work when you are on leave, being a well-paid career woman means you can afford it if you need to. Make it clear to your husband you expect him to be a 50/50 co-parent. These are all things that I and my female friends with kids and successful academic careers do and the balance works out for us. You can be a great mom and have a great career. But you cannot be a traditional mom and wife and have a great career. And you need a spouse who is on board to support alternative family styles for you to have a great career. So be creative and you do not have to choose "work or family". You can have both, you just have to be flexible in how to envision your lifestyle.

 

[Dreamer_D]

One thing I will say is that once you've got the baby most women find that their feelings towards their career change quite dramatically and it no longer holds the importance in their lives that it once did.

Some women's attitudes change, but some women's don't. It depends on the woman, and the career.

I think the notion of the transformative experience of motherhood is part of the mommy-myth that can contribute to mommy-guilt for women who do not have that transformation! Some women feel transformed, and reevaluate their lifestyles and priorities after having kids. Others don't change all that much. And neither experience is better or worse than the other in my opinion. Feeling transformed or not feeling transformed is certainly not predictive of how good a mother someone is, at least not based on my own observations of mothers I know

There are as many experiences of motherhood as there are mothers. Feeling like there is a way one "should" feel as a mother is a recipe for guilt and shame and anxiety.

Case and point, these two books offer very different perspectives on motherhood Neither particularly healthy, IMO, but certainly diverse.

http://www.amazon.com/Perfect-Madness-Motherhood-Age-Anxiety/dp/1573223042
http://www.amazon.com/Battle-Hymn-T...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1305308231&sr=1-1

 

[sctsbride09]

Haven- I think its perfectly natural to waver on a choice this big, and its great that your DH is understanding and supportive. Im sure no matter what you both end up choosing, your lives will be full either way. That is how I feel about my/and DH situation, I can either be a great wife/momma/with all that goes with that, or I can have just as much fun with DH alone. I still have a few years to decide *for sure*.

Very comforting to read that others feel some of the same thoughts/fears that I have, makes me feel not so strange. Sometimes I watch other people with kids, and they just look made for it, when Im not sure if I am.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Does anyone feel like you should want to wait longer... but you don't? Does that even make sense?

I am 25 and have another 10 years (easily) that I could wait before TTC, but I don't want to. Our lives are so laid back and most everything we enjoy doing now we could do with a little one. We have a great home, employment, and some savings. DH is a bit older than I am- 28 years old, and his only concerns are giving up quietness (for the rest of our lives) and surrendering to sleep deprivation (for a few years).

Our friends who have kiddos or who are expecting are all in their early 30s or very late 20s. I can't get over this mental roadblock that 25 year olds do NOT (should not?) want children. But I do. I've reached major life stages/transitions earlier than most of my peers, so maybe that has something to do with it. I was a married homeowner before turning 24.

...I feel like I should abhor the thought of starting a family and dread giving up my "youthfulness" and "freedom", but I don't.

Sorry for the vent, ladies. If anyone has experienced similar thoughts or feelings, I'd love to hear about them.

 

[shimmer]

Does anyone ever experience periods of NOT wanting?

I'm at this stage... wanting/not wanting and waiting. Sometimes I am so excited to have a child, other times I go through the logical arguments of selfishness, possible negative relationship changes, global responsibility etc.

I'm 29 and feel like I am getting too old, but at the same time we are not ready as we are both starting new careers.

Anyway, I am making changes because if we do have children it will be in the next year.

Have you guys made any changes?

I am/planning to:
-exercising regularly (lots of ab/core work)
-vitamins everyday
-getting vaccines
-slowly going off medications/items that I can not use when pregnant

Anything I am missing?

 

[megumic]

Does anyone ever experience periods of NOT wanting?

I'm at this stage... wanting/not wanting and waiting. Sometimes I am so excited to have a child, other times I go through the logical arguments of selfishness, possible negative relationship changes, global responsibility etc.

I'm 29 and feel like I am getting too old, but at the same time we are not ready as we are both starting new careers.

Anyway, I am making changes because if we do have children it will be in the next year.

Have you guys made any changes?

I am/planning to:
-exercising regularly (lots of ab/core work)
-vitamins everyday
-getting vaccines
-slowly going off medications/items that I can not use when pregnant

Anything I am missing?

I think you've just about got it.

The changes I've made thus far include:
-exercising regularly
-stopping HBC
-lots of reading/research on different birthing locations and options for birth attendants
-looking into prenatals -- New Chapter and Rainbow Light seem to be great options, but OTC vitamins make me nervous
-lots of veggies!

 

[Anonymous]

I've been lurking and have waffled about posting, but what the heck. Admitting you might want a baby doesn't mean you absolutely HAVE to have one...right? I'm 34, my FI is 30. We're getting married in 6 weeks (!!!) and the baby bug has been pestering me off and on for a while now. I have two girls, ages 6 and 8 from a previous marriage that FI is wonderful with and I know he's not dismissing the idea of our own from talks that we've had. I think he'd make a great father and I'd love for us to have a baby together, usually! There are some days though still where the girls go off to their father's after a particularly challenging week and we absolutely NEED that 2-3 day break to focus on our relationship and have some selfish time.

So that's where we're at. We're definitely not ready NOW, but definitely not opposed to EVER having one either. Unfortunately, I'm not too comfortable with the whole "advanced maternal age" issue, so we'll have to decide in the next year or two. So that's pretty scary! In the meantime, I'm working on becoming healthier - eating right, exercising regularly to lose weight. I won't even consider having a little one unless I can get a solid 30-40 more pounds off (already down 22 total, so it's doable!). At some point in the future, IF we get closer to the "yes" team than the "no" team, I want to go off of HBC and chart to make sure that everything still works. Neither of us are okay with putting ourselves in a "SURPRISE! I'm pregnant!" situation right now though.

That was a long post for a girl on the fence, sorry!

 

[blacksand]

tammy, congrats on the weight loss so far! 22 lbs. is amazing. I really have to get working on that, too.

I just went shopping for presents for my FSIL's baby shower. Let me just tell you it was the most difficult thing I've had to do in a long time. Oh my, I wanted to buy everything. For her and for me! Ended up with four presents for her, down from 6 I had originally picked out (and nothing for me; I exercised restraint). I now have a list of four other presents I will purchase once the baby is born. Apparently, while I not-so-patiently wait to have a baby of my own, I am going to be spoiling my nephew to high heaven. I guess that's my coping mechanism?

 

[megumic]

tammy, congrats on the weight loss so far! 22 lbs. is amazing. I really have to get working on that, too.

I just went shopping for presents for my FSIL's baby shower. Let me just tell you it was the most difficult thing I've had to do in a long time. Oh my, I wanted to buy everything. For her and for me! Ended up with four presents for her, down from 6 I had originally picked out (and nothing for me; I exercised restraint). I now have a list of four other presents I will purchase once the baby is born. Apparently, while I not-so-patiently wait to have a baby of my own, I am going to be spoiling my nephew to high heaven. I guess that's my coping mechanism?

Haha oh my I fear we're in similar company. I literally get teary and weepy and all heart throbbey gooey when we walk by anything baby related. We can't even go to Target for the essentials without a meltdown and me looking at DH with puppy eyes!

 

[blacksand]

I think I've made progress! In the beginning, I was, honestly, jealous of FSIL's pregnancy. Even though i knew that was a horrible, selfish emotion, I couldn't help myself. Now I have moved on to..living vicariously, I guess. Let's buy clothes for the baby! Let's buy toys! And diapers! They need more diapers! I love hearing every detail of her pregnancy, and as soon as that baby is born, I'm going to be coming over every weekend (or as often as FSIL will let me, anyway!). I love that kid already.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I am definitely wanting but waiting... The baby-itis kicked in pretty early after we got married and never really went away - but we knew that a few things had to fall in place before it was a good idea to start TTC. I am still in school and jobless (well, technically I will be working next year on internship but will have a very low salary and no mat leave benefits). We also live far from family (4+ hrs), so wanted to wait until I was done school so we could move closer to home. Things are slowly starting to fall in place - I got an internship in a city very close to my family and we recently bought a house...

A few close friends of mine recently had babies and I have to admit - I'm kind of glad we decided to wait a little while longer. Seems like a lot of things change, and although I sure there is a LOT of joy that comes a long with having a baby, there can also be a lot of stress if the right things are not in place (e.g. finances, support system etc..). For us, waiting was the best decision. If all goes well we will probably start thinking about TTC in about a year.

It's definitely stressful as a professional woman to think about the "right" time to have kids. Something at some point is going to have to give a little. If we TTC when I am done internship it might be hard for me to find a good job with a preggers belly. I also need to work for a year under supervised practice - which will likely be cut short if we got pregnant... At the end of the day there is never a RIGHT time, but some times are definitely better than others.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

ILTW! Come on over!


My copies of TCOYF and Ina May's 'Guide to Childbirth' came in the mail last week, as did PreSeed (highly recommend, btw) and my BBT.

My IUD is still firmly in place, though. I canceled my removal appointment in March and have not yet rescheduled. As a family member said this weekend, "You're taking prenatals and have an IUD... I think you're a little confused about your life's path, Pils."

I'm feeling nervous about trying this September/October. My current position is a one year contract with no promise of renewal (though there's much potential). I won't know for another 10 months or so if they'll take me on long term. I would like to time our actively TTC months so that I'd have a LO during the summer break, but it still may look bad to be pregnant while I am a contract teacher. Next year will be my second year at this school and I would like to make it my forever-home.

Why can't timing these things be easier?

 

[blacksand]

Honest opinions, please?

FSIL's baby shower is this weekend. I am really hoping I can get enthused about this and big a good sister-in-law/aunt-to-be and not be all "but I want a baby, too!" I'm trying! But anyway, FI asked me this morning for help wording the message he wanted to write on her card. He said he wanted to write something about how she's his little sister, so she grew up always watching him do things first (school, driving, college, dating, etc.). And now that they're all grown up, he thinks it's so great watching her be the first to...have a baby, I guess? I told him I thought it was weird/inappropriate to put a focus on the timeline like that, and draw attention to who's having a baby before whom. I suggested instead that he say something about how amazing it is that his baby sister is now having a baby of her own. He didn't like that. I wouldn't say that we argued about it, but he was kind of miffed I didn't like his message.

I'll admit that I am a little sensitive about this. I am a little envious that she is having a baby before we are, before we're even married. I have been really working on it and trying to put these feelings aside and be happy for her, because she absolutely deserves nothing but happiness. But the undeniably human part of me is totally jealous. So it's possible that the way he wanted to word his message just bothered me because it felt like salt in the wound. So. Is his message weird, or is it me?