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Well, I didn''t see this coming.

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Date: 5/17/2009 12:04:10 AM
Author:Feralpenchant

I told him that I don''t think it''s me he''s unhappy with, it''s where he is in life in general
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Oh Feral, I am so so sorry.

I bolded the above passage because it''s VERY reminiscent of things my ex would say in the past when we had problems....the difference being that we stayed together and things got worse and worse. I have to agree with the above poster--at least he had the grace to be honest. It may actually be better like this for now. If he''s not happy with himself, then he can''t be happy with you and it truly can be TOTALLY unrelated to you. It could be that after some time you''re supposed to be together--but if he''s not ok with himself for whatever reason, then he won''t be any good to you. You need to let yourself heal and get strong on your own.

I am SO SO SORRY. I know how painful this is, and especially with the ring having just arrived and all the promises it was meant to symbolize. I know it''s too soon for this but--when the time comes, if he really meant "keep it"--Can you return it for something else? A pendant or RHR that symbolizes your commitment to YOURSELF? To rebuilding who you are, establishing your autonomy?

You''re going to be ok, and you have a lot of people here who will listen.

Hang in there. (((HUGS)))
 
Big hugs hun. I hope you can get everything in order so you can move to GA. You are handling this all really well which says a lot about your character. Great things will come your way and you are right, if you are meant to be it will happen.
 
Oh no... Feral, I am so sorry! What a shock, with just having bought the ring and all. It all does seem a little bizarre. If you two are meant to be, it will all work out eventually. Otherwise, I''m glad this happened before you two had tied the knot. HUGS and best wishes to you.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this, I know it is hard to go from think you are getting married to starting over. But as others, have said, now is the best time to find out. I think you are doing the right thing. Now is a good time to figure out what you want to do. *Hugs*
 
I am so sorry you are going thru this
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I had a similar experience with an ex. Not exactly, but similar... young, he thought he was ready but actually was not, etc. That was about a year ago. Now he's going through a lot of difficult "finding himself" stuff, and I would have stood by him if he had given me the chance, but honestly, I am glad to not be in that situation. I met my current boyfriend almost immediately after and the new relationship is better than the old one in almost every way.

My point is, sometimes the best gifts come in tragedy-shaped packages.
 
SO sorry to hear this, Feral. I''m praying it will all work out in the end for you.
 
Oh FP, I am so so sorry.
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I know this is an extremely hard time...and I''m not sure that anything I can say that will be of any help...but please know, you will feel better.

I want you to know that although it probably feels like you''ve lost your happiness...you will find it again. The thing about heartbreak is that, at first, it may hurt--and feels like that hurt will never stop. But when it does, you''ll be stronger and surer and a better version of yourself because you will have grown. And one day--I am sure--your ex will realize what he lost when he let you go.
 
Feral,

The same thing happened to me with my last Ex. I am so so sorry. I know how heartbreaking it can be. My thoughts are with you. Keep your head up hun, it''s all gonna work out.

"Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt, the universe is unfolding just as it should."
 
oh feral i''m so sorry this had to happen to you, and i admire that you''re thinking through this so well when it hurts so much, i don''t know if i could. i''m pretty sure i''d just be banging my fists on the keyboard.
i agree with the others who said it sounds like you''ve got a good plan with moving back to GA and going to school and getting a start on building your life. i hope whenever he''s done figuring himself out, even if he ends up going skydiving and doing the iditarod to do so, that he realizes what an amazing girl he let go and comes back and tells you so, but if not it''s a great loss to him and someone will come along and realize how special you are and will do anything not to lose you.
 
How heartbreaking, Feral! I''m so sorry this happened to you, and that it seemed to occur so suddenly. Please take care of yourself.

I''m not sure if this will help, but someone who was "finding himself" broke up with me when I was 20 (almost 21). I was in love, and I was shocked and heartbroken when he suddenly wanted to have more "alone time." I didn''t believe him and thought there must have been another girl. I was wrong--he was being honest with me. He spent several years "finding himself," and he eventually wanted to get back together with me, since I was the "best girl [he] had ever met." At that point, it was nice to hear, but I had moved on. I had graduated from college, moved to another state, started law school, and met the man of my dreams during my summer internship. I wouldn''t have traded my kick-arse new life and fabulous new man for Mr. Finding Himself even if he came with a million dollars and free designer shoes for life. I was a different, more mature, more confident person.

I share this experience with you in the hope that you might realize at some point that it''s okay if you begin to feel that you wouldn''t want him to show up at your doorstep, wanting you back in his life.

I wish you all the best, and please come back if you need support. We will be here for you!
 
*hugs*

I'm not sure if there is much to add, but know we are here for you!
 
Wow ... what a 180 ... from quizzing you about how you wanted the proposal to go & implying it might be during your Memorial Day BBQ to *this*?????!!!!???? Stands to reason you didn''t see that coming! Ooof.

There''s nothing we can say that''ll take away the shock & pain ... but I hope in time you''ll come to see this as a positive thing for your *life*. These next few weeks & months & years are going to hold so many new adventures for you & new people & new perspective & lots of love. You''re going to emerge so much stronger & with skills that will make you a better partner to the even *better* partner you''re sure to attract.
 
Ditto to decodelighted''s post.

I am very sorry you''re going through this, Feral. Breakups are not easy. Take care of yourself, and surround yourself with a good support system made up of family and friends whom you can count on. Hang in there.
 
Oh Feral, I am so sorry. I don''t know what to say. You''re handling it very well. I wish you the very best in your future. Keep your head high, sweetie. Again, I''m very sorry.
 
Feral babe!!!!
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My heart broke for you reading this post. I cant believe this! I am so sorry hun, and just want to send you a massive "e-hug".

I need to clarify something. You posted on 5/13 about him joking about people looking at your ring finger the day before (so 5/12?) and then in this post you said that he broke up with you on Weds, which was 5/13?? So basically, one day after joking about people looking at your finger at the BBQ, he broke up with you??? WTF???
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Did something happen? Any convos or occurrences that would have provoked such a transformation?? I guess he is either a really good actor an was able to fake excitement/impending proposal, or he really did just get SPOOKED and realized what was happening. I dont know.

All I can say is ditto the other comments about the timing. At least he did it before he proposed, before you announced your engagement to your family, and even better than you didnt spend a year planning your wedding only to have him not show up or back out the morning of. I know that doesnt really help the situation, but hopefully in retrospect it takes the sting away a little. I am a firm believe in "everything happens for a reason". This happened to my sister. She swore she was marrying this guy, and then he dumped her and she was DEVASTATED, kept saying she knew she woukld marry him "one day" and he just wasnt ready. When she finally let him go, and opened herself up to the idea that it may never happen (like a YEAR later!
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), she met the love of her life who is like A ZILLION times better than he last bf (who tried pursuing her while she was thinking "no im marrying this other guy", luckily her new bf stuck around to convince her she wasnt lol), they are perfect, and should be getting engaged very soon! I say that because 1) everything happens for a reason, and 2) if he comes crawling back, great, but like others have said, please dont put yourself on hold waiting. Hugs!
 
Sending you huge hugs! I''m at a loss for words, but I wish you the best, whatever that may be.
 
Good afternoon Feral I am so sorry about your story.
I wish I were close to offer my shoulder or just be besides you, for sure is a though situation, but I am pretty sure you will pass through it.
Sometimes things don''t work as we hope so, you are strong, you are a woman and be proud of it.Even loving him I know is hard to let it go, perhaps future brings to you surprises. If it''s written that both belong together only time will tell, you have priorities now, and the most important is "YOU"
Best wishes, warm hugs and prays.

A friendly kiss

Monica
 
Date: 5/17/2009 12:04:10 AM
Author:Feralpenchant
Wednesday night : SO broke up with me.
Yesterday : The ring arrived.

Completely out of the blue. I mean, completely. We were fine one minute and 5 minutes later we were over.

He said he thought he was happy with me, but that he was wrong. I don''t believe that, he is contradicting himself in every possible way. Why would he spend 2000+ just to leave me? It seems to me like he is scared and got cold feet. Unfortunately, I live with him and have no where else to go in this state until I can move out. He is being so awkward. The only place I can go is Georgia to live with my family until I can get a job and get into school down there. I respect his decision, but I am so confused. I told him that I don''t think it''s me he''s unhappy with, it''s where he is in life in general, and while I don''t understand why we can''t work on our lives together, I accept that he does not believe that we can. I also told him that I am going to go to GA and go to school and just carry on and if he wants me back he can book a plane ticket to GA and show up on my doorstep.

I think that once we get a little more under our belts that we will work. I am ready for this type of commitment, but I want it with him.

I guess only time will tell if we''re meant to be together..

He told me to keep the ring. I didn''t even ask him, he just brought it up. It''s beautiful
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I''m just so upset and lost feeling. Uprooting your life is never easy. I can''t believe this is happening.
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Feral, I am so sorry to hear this. I hope every day will feel a little less painful than the day before and you will manage to find your inner strength.

I really do hope you move on. I can understand why you are feeling confused, but the best thing for you to do is tell him you''re sorry things didn''t work out, that you love him, but you will be FINE to move on.

Why did he spend money on the ring and then pull back you ask? Who knows. Maybe it was cold feet. But sometimes you go through all the hoops and when you finally get there you, you think, "You know what? I DON''T WANT TO DO THIS." Although it''s easier said than done for me to say don''t hang on to the hope he will come around and focus on your life, I still have to say it. HE has made the decision to live his life without you. Show him you are more than capable of doing the same.

As for the ring, I''d say no thanks. You shouldn''t have to settle for a consolation prize.

Best of luck to you.
 
Never say no to the ring out of spite. A diamond is a diamond girls
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It would make a fine pendant, or trade in. I''ve kept every engagement ring and I was the one who broke it off. They might not have been the right guys for me, but they were obviously decent guys who viewed a gift as a gift.
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Personally I always thought a guy who would say "I''ll take that back now, thank you" was a bit of a jerk. Legal yes, but still rude.
 
Feral, I admire your strength and maturity. You are SO YOUNG!!!! You will be fine. Time heals all wounds. Grieve a bit, then let it go. Your twenties are such an amazing time to learn about yourself, what you want, what you need, and just have FUN! Throw yourself into school and work and anything else that you love, and live an enviable life full of friends, family and laughter. You will be better for this experience, just you wait and see. I mean, we can''t be in PS and admire diamonds without admiring how tough they are
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Here''s to you being as tough as diamonds!
 
Date: 5/18/2009 12:50:38 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Never say no to the ring out of spite. A diamond is a diamond girls
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It would make a fine pendant, or trade in. I''ve kept every engagement ring and I was the one who broke it off. They might not have been the right guys for me, but they were obviously decent guys who viewed a gift as a gift.
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Personally I always thought a guy who would say ''I''ll take that back now, thank you'' was a bit of a jerk. Legal yes, but still rude.
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I''ll have to go back and read, but was Feral already proposed to? If so, that might change my opinion a bit, but my understanding is the ring was ordered and delivered, but he hadn''t asked yet.

PP, I have to laugh...A guy taking a ring back is a bit of a jerk, but a woman saying "see ya, and I''m thinking the rock with me!" isn''t?
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Feral i''m so sorry!
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Naw. I didn''t just take off with the goods
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I always offered to return the ring (it''s the right thing to do), but the guys were always gracious enough to say "it was a gift given in love, please keep it" (which IMO is also the right thing to do)
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I''m sorry this has happened to you.

Georgia is indeed where you need to be. Away and apart from your BF, and moving forward with your life.
 
Oh, FP. I just read this, and my heart sank. I am so sorry to hear this...

I am amazed at how calm and composed your written words were, and I am impressed with how quickly you seem to have put a plan of action together. To me, that indicates that you are strong, smart and confident. I''m sure you will have huge emotional swings, but... in the long run, if you focus on doing what is right for you and you believe in yourself, you will come out on top - no matter what happens.

Hang in there.
 
Date: 5/18/2009 1:23:55 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Naw. I didn't just take off with the goods
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I always offered to return the ring (it's the right thing to do), but the guys were always gracious enough to say 'it was a gift given in love, please keep it' (which IMO is also the right thing to do)
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Aha...you ARE considerate, I've caught you!

Also, my post above should have said "taking" instead of "thinking". I type too fast.

So which ring was the best? You got pics of the lineup anywhere?

ETA, don't answer that here...forgot for a second where I was posting, and this is FP's thread on a heartbreaking matter, after all.
 
Everyone has been so kind, I don''t even know what to say. Thank you all for your support. I have to say that when this happened I was afraid I would never be strong enough to visit this website again.

He has broken up with me one time before, last year. He said a lot of the same things he''s saying now and he acted exactly like he''s acting now. That is what leads me to believe that he''s scared and that he will be back, because he''s shown that this is what he does, he backs out when it gets to be too much and then when there''s too little of it, he comes back. After he broke up with me last year he proceeded to tell me he thought it was best if I left and at that point I was in the same situation I''m in now. No where to go. So I moved to Georgia. Fortunately my dad has been unlucky in love also in his life and he has been very understanding and supportive with my moving back and forth from GA to MD and back. Last time I moved to Georgia, this is what happened about a month after I got there.

I woke up one morning and had 7 missed calls and 5 texts. Most of them went something like "Where are you? It''s not like you to not answer your phone.."

So I called him back.

Me: Hi, I saw your missed calls.
Him: Yeah I wanted to talk to y-
Me: I have something to say first. I can''t talk to you anymore. Everytime I talk to you it sets me back at square one. I''m too in love with you to be your friend. And I have to ask you to please leave me alone and let me move on, just until I feel strong enough to speak to you.
Him: Okay, but can I say what I wanted to say now?
Me: Sure.
Him: I made a terrible mistake. Please come back, I love you.

So back I went. But not without making him PROMISE that he would not do this to me again. He promised. He said it was for sure and that he would never leave me again.

Yet here we are.

I do love him, and I want to believe that he and I can work someday. If I move on, then great. If I don''t want him back, then he''ll have to live with what he did for the rest of his life and that he lost me. I don''t want that to happen. But I understand that it may.

As for the ring, no, he never proposed. I guess he figured I would want to have it since I designed it and put a lot of thought into it. And right now, I DO want it. It has no real meaning, but it''s beautiful and if he decides to come back, then he has a ring already. And if he doesn''t, and I get over him completely, it will be a damn nice ring to wear. That sounds harsh, but I don''t know really how else to say it.

I''m just so upset, I don''t really know what to do anymore.
 
Date: 5/18/2009 1:44:47 PM
Author: Feralpenchant
Everyone has been so kind, I don''t even know what to say. Thank you all for your support. I have to say that when this happened I was afraid I would never be strong enough to visit this website again.

He has broken up with me one time before, last year. He said a lot of the same things he''s saying now and he acted exactly like he''s acting now. That is what leads me to believe that he''s scared and that he will be back, because he''s shown that this is what he does, he backs out when it gets to be too much and then when there''s too little of it, he comes back. After he broke up with me last year he proceeded to tell me he thought it was best if I left and at that point I was in the same situation I''m in now. No where to go. So I moved to Georgia. Fortunately my dad has been unlucky in love also in his life and he has been very understanding and supportive with my moving back and forth from GA to MD and back. Last time I moved to Georgia, this is what happened about a month after I got there.

I woke up one morning and had 7 missed calls and 5 texts. Most of them went something like ''Where are you? It''s not like you to not answer your phone..''

So I called him back.

Me: Hi, I saw your missed calls.
Him: Yeah I wanted to talk to y-
Me: I have something to say first. I can''t talk to you anymore. Everytime I talk to you it sets me back at square one. I''m too in love with you to be your friend. And I have to ask you to please leave me alone and let me move on, just until I feel strong enough to speak to you.
Him: Okay, but can I say what I wanted to say now?
Me: Sure.
Him: I made a terrible mistake. Please come back, I love you.

So back I went. But not without making him PROMISE that he would not do this to me again. He promised. He said it was for sure and that he would never leave me again.

Yet here we are.

I do love him, and I want to believe that he and I can work someday. If I move on, then great. If I don''t want him back, then he''ll have to live with what he did for the rest of his life and that he lost me. I don''t want that to happen. But I understand that it may.

As for the ring, no, he never proposed. I guess he figured I would want to have it since I designed it and put a lot of thought into it. And right now, I DO want it. It has no real meaning, but it''s beautiful and if he decides to come back, then he has a ring already. And if he doesn''t, and I get over him completely, it will be a damn nice ring to wear. That sounds harsh, but I don''t know really how else to say it.

I''m just so upset, I don''t really know what to do anymore.
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FP, this new bit of news irks me. You know how it goes, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

So you''ve made this move back and forth once before. He obviously has no idea what that entails. It sounds selfish, immature and a bit controlling to me. It''s time to say, "I''m going back, and once I get on that plane, it will be for good. Think about it."

And FP, you guys ARE young. People will say youth doesn''t mean a engagement/marriage will fail, and I agree, it doesn''t always. But I will argue that most 20/21 year olds haven''t figured out who they are yet as individuals and that often doesn''t make for a healthy, solid relationship.
 
Oh honey, so sorry to hear that. It is better he''s having cold feet now then having mixed feelings when you''re married! If it''s meant to be, it will be. Have faith that in time, things will work out for the best!
 
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