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Well...marriage is likely ending

Oh man :( Thinking of you and wishing you happier days in the future! Like others said. You deserve to be happy!
 
You've probably already thought of this but just in case, I keep noticing that you said your marriage is "likely" ending, which made me wonder if you do have a little bit of hope for it. So here's my story fwiw.

My marriage reached its lowest place years ago to the point that I couldn't stand him and I'm pretty sure he felt the same way about me. I even went to see a divorce lawyer.

"Forever" is a tall order and in our case, things fell apart over time. Looking back, we were trying so hard to get ahead and focusing on the kids and thought we were strong enough together to just put "us" on the back burner, and it eventually caught up with us.

So then we finally tried marriage counseling, which we should have done much earlier, and it worked. We got weekly assignments, rules for fair fighting, and a good look at how we used to be vs. how we had become, and when and why we stopped taking care of each other.

I thought about how I treated him when he was my boyfriend and was a little horrified at how different it had become. Not that I had time anymore to make looking good and hanging on every word he said my top life priority anymore but gee, I could at least try. And he could remember that I had not really morphed into just another household appliance too.

Also, houses, bank accounts and so on would all be greatly reduced anyway if we split up and I'm sure we'd put all kinds of effort in for a new person, so why not try cutting back on the rest and focus more on the one we already had first. We got back into balance and are besties and more again and I'm so glad. I cringe now to think of what I almost lost.
 
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Sending support from this happily divorced camel.

You are important and you deserve to be happy. Prioritizing yourself is not something you should ever feel bad about doing. If you’re going to have a partner, they should make you better, not drag you down. I hope there’s lots of joy (and shiny things) ahead for you.
 
Sending you hugs. Whatever the outcome, I hope you find happiness and peace.
 
I'm sorry @lovedogs ...no matter which way things go I'm wishing you peace and happiness.
 
It's an overwhelming thing to realize or contemplate a seismic change like this. As scary or unsure as it may feel, you know your own mind. You know your own mind.
This is not going to be easy, but what shakes out will be the right thing. You're also not alone and we're all here in support. Do you see how many? We're here.
If I could I'd give a big squeeze and maybe make fun of him a little until you laugh. Then we'd look at the trees until you're ready to talk.
 
seaurchin said:
You've probably already thought of this but just in case, I keep noticing that you said your marriage is "likely" ending, which made me wonder if you do have a little bit of hope for it. So here's my story fwiw.

My marriage reached its lowest place years ago to the point that I couldn't stand him and I'm pretty sure he felt the same way about me. I even went to see a divorce lawyer.

"Forever" is a tall order and in our case, things fell apart over time. Looking back, we were trying so hard to get ahead and focusing on the kids and thought we were strong enough together to just put "us" on the back burner, and it eventually caught up with us.

So then we finally tried marriage counseling, which we should have done much earlier, and it worked. We got weekly assignments, rules for fair fighting, and a good look at how we used to be vs. how we had become, and when and why we stopped taking care of each other.

I thought about how I treated him when he was my boyfriend and was a little horrified at how different it had become. Not that I had time anymore to make looking good and hanging on every word he said my top life priority anymore but gee, I could at least try. And he could remember that I had not really morphed into just another household appliance too.

Also, houses, bank accounts and so on would all be greatly reduced anyway if we split up and I'm sure we'd put all kinds of effort in for a new person, so why not try cutting back on the rest and focus more on the one we already had first. We got back into balance and are besties and more again and I'm so glad. I cringe now to think of what I almost lost.
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I love this! It parallels so much with my relationship with my husband years ago. A good counselor can get you back to seeing what you valued in each other in the begining of your relationship and remind you that the grass is not always greener elsewhere. We also can't put our happiness in mere man. Good luck in whatever path you end up taking lovedogs but, if perhaps you both have not counseled first, you may never know if this is the right decision.
 
I’m so sorry you’re in pain, @lovedogs . I echo what @ItsMainelyYou says above. You know your own mind, and as unsure as you may feel, trust yourself. You will be ok (even if it doesn’t feel like it right now), no matter how things turn out.

If I were there I would make you a big margarita (or virgin margarita if you abstain), and we would sit and laugh or watch mindless chick flicks. Or whatever you need.

Hugs.
 
So sorry to hear this @lovedogs, but I’m sure it’s not a decision you’ve taken lightly, good luck with what comes next.
 
lovedogs said:
We've been married for 10 years and together for 12.5

I'm incredibly sad but also know it's my choice and feel relief. Things have been really hard for a while, and I decided that I'd rather be sad from missing him than sad from feeling not prioritized/loved in the way I need.

Not sure why I'm posting other than to try and be honest about a hard experience.
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I'm so sorry! But I'm glad its your choice, and that you will have the opportunity to find someone who will know how special you are.
 
**hugs** and good wishes for what lies ahead for you both
 
Choosing happiness is always the right thing to do!
 
So sorry lovedogs, wishing you healing and sending hugs!
 
Sending you positive vibes.

A few short years ago I would have said my marriage was likely ending, yet we were able to fix what was broken and our marriage is better than ever.

Maybe that’s your ending, maybe not, but however it shakes out I hope you find happiness.
 
Wishing you much happiness in whatever direction this takes you! I’ve realized ( I’m 54 ) that I am responsible for my happiness and am not putting up with less than I deserve. Fortunately my ( workaholic ) husband has risen to the challenge but it’s not a given. I’d rather be alone than lonely in a relationship.
 
@lovedogs, I'm so sorry you're going through this painful time. Sending you support, strength, and comfort. And lots of hugs.
 
lovedogs said:
Things have been really hard for a while, and I decided that I'd rather be sad from missing him than sad from feeling not prioritized/loved in the way I need.
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OMG I am so sorry @lovedogs!

It sounds like you have had ample time to weigh the pros and cons. I am glad that this is your decision and not his.
 
YadaYadaYada said:
Sending you positive vibes.

A few short years ago I would have said my marriage was likely ending, yet we were able to fix what was broken and our marriage is better than ever.

Maybe that’s your ending, maybe not, but however it shakes out I hope you find happiness.
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Ditto this. I don’t know what to say, but whatever your decision is, I wish you every happiness.
 
Thinking about you thru this very tough time.
 
Thinking of you.
 
@lovedogs I adore you. It takes a lot of courage to say things like this out loud. Right before we moved to Florida we also were on the divorce trajectory. And it is the reason why we why have separate houses.

Extreme I know but it was the only way forward for us. We could not have afforded to do this in New England, and if we stayed in that house together there was going to be some resentment and downright hatred going on.

And I absolutely love and adore him. He's my best friend, and I'm his. We would have been sunk without that.

But I need to be autonomous, at least a few days a week. I needed peace and space. I needed quiet so I can recharge. So most weekends he goes home. I don't go with him too often but if I do, I have a separate car.

Sometimes he'll come back on Tuesday morning if I ask for an extra day. He takes the dogs, and they have a blast (I see the pictures) when they get back. He visits his sister or visits friends. The first year was hard but it got easier after each progressive year. It saved us during covid, literally. By the 2nd year he understood what I meant by needing that recharge time.

I don't make rules at his house and he doesn't make them at mine.

Counseling helped us figure out a lot of stuff.

You're saying likely and not definite, so there may be a way forward for you together. My support for you goes either way as you figure things out.

Either way is a victory. What I don't want is for you to stay in THIS frame of mind feeling stuck in this impasse. Move forward however you have to.
 
I wish you all the best, @lovedogs. You are a great woman and certainly deserve it. Hugs.
 
I wish you all the best @lovedogs . So sorry to hear you are going through this.
 
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