Well...marriage is likely ending

[bright&shiny]

Hugs and warm thoughts for you - its a tough time and sounds like you are working hard to make the best decision possible. I also wish you all the best.

 

[doberman]

I'm so sorry. It will be hard at times, I'm sure, but if you feel it's the right move, then it is.

 

[OdetteOdile]

I’m thinking of you Lovedogs, and I am wishing you the very best. Hugs from the East Coast.

 

[MamaBee]

I don’t have the right words to tell you how much my heart goes out to you. I hope whatever decision you make will give you peace in your heart. Big hugs Lovedogs.

 

[maru8888777]

I am so sorry. I got divorced a few years ago (not my choice), and it was really rough. I don't know if hearing other people's stories is helpful (it was for me), but even though, years later, I'm still processing the trauma and loss of my marriage (like you, I was married for 10 years), I'm doing a lot better now. Financially, it was difficult and I'd tell people to be ready for that. I'd also try my best to minimize contact with my former spouse... it's easy to get caught up in all routines and never really move on, which is crucial to your well-being. Therapy saved me, as I was pretty alone and didn't have much of a support system. I hope you find some support and care here, @lovedogs, and know that we're rooting for your happiness.

 

[monarch64]

@lovedogs I’m sorry to hear this. There is SO MUCH life to live on the other side of divorce if that’s what you end up doing. I divorced for the second time 5 years ago and despite some sad life stuff I am happier now than ever before.

It’s disappointing, it’s hard to lose the hope of what you wanted it to be like, and the time investment can make you feel like either you wasted those years or like you’re throwing all that away. Don’t listen to those voices in your head. Only you know what is right for you. I made the mistake of remarrying because I cared a lot about what people thought of me and back then I worried that moving back to my hometown area meant that people would look down on me for divorcing. Obviously things did not pan out the way I’d hoped, but I have a wonderful daughter from the second marriage and a cordial relationship with my ex, and she is very well-adjusted and thriving.

If I had it to do over again I would have stayed single forever. I don’t think marriage really suits me, although I was an excellent wife. I was excellent for the wrong reasons, though. I needed to prove that I could be great at it, to myself and to others. Various pretext about that need of mine, but suffice it to say I grew up in a very traditional home.

When you choose divorce it’s like a death; you’ll go through a grieving process, which you may have already begun. Be prepared for that part of it. Everything changes. But you’ve (generally, I don’t know you personally) been through all kinds of hard things and you have survived every one of them. You’ll survive this, too, and thrive on the other side.

If you choose to stay, a hefty overhaul for both of you is probably needed. Sometimes we have to adjust our expectations of people to make it work. I’m not saying we should settle, but we may have to admit that our person is not capable of giving us the kind of loving we need. I spent the last 2 years after another failed longterm relationship really taking a very hard look at myself and my behaviors and that’s when I decided I don’t want to be married again. I’m not patient enough and I don’t make the most forgiving, accepting partner. I do lots of giving but I expect lots in return, and I have an anxious attachment style. I’m also resistant to what I see as control on behalf of my partner. Some of these traits are not going to change. And I can’t expect a partner to change their ways or certain personality traits either. You’ll have to decide if you can find ways to make your situation happy again, or if it’s just time to move forward. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make!

Lots of virtual hugs and peaceful vibes from me to you. It’s a tough spot to be in, but once a decision is made you can form a plan and move ahead.

 

[lovedogs]

Well, I filed for separation yesterday. I feel lots of different things, but a big one is relief and pride in myself for putting my needs and happiness first (after much too long ignoring those things to make other people happy).

 

[RunningwithScissors]

Sending you healing hugs. You have a family here on PS who care about you and hope for your happiness and well being.

 

[Piper70]

Sending positive vibes!

 

[nala]

We are here for you! Share. Don’t share. Vent. Don’t. You will always have an ear here.

 

[headlight]

@lovedogs I admire your strength and courage. When one door closes another opens.

 

[Fabtwinsmom]

@lovedogs sending you strength, support and hugs during this difficult time. And wishing you happiness and peace at the end of this particular journey.

“Keep you face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.”

 

[ilovegemstones]

So glad you are feeling relieved @lovedogs. I also felt great relief when I had to end a relationship with my best friend years ago. I know it is not the same.

 

[kgizo]

Good for you for taking charge of your happiness and hugs as you start this process.

 

[Mrs_Strizzle]

Leaving my 16 year old marriage was the hardest and best thing I ever did for myself. It was quite a Rollercoaster and in times of weakness I even considered reconciliation due to fear of the unknown. But now years later I'm happier than I ever dreamed of being and with someone who really understands and cares about my happiness, not just his own.

Hugs to you in your life altering journey, wherever it leads you.