Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

What is something people don’t know about divorce until they’ve gone through it?

D

diamondyes

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 16, 2020
Messages
1,789
Thanks in advance for opening up your hearts and sharing :)

Lighthearted jokes permitted too!
 
If you have minor children, divorce doesn’t solve all the issues. You still have to co-parent (unless the court orders otherwise), and you will possibly see a different side of the other parent. Once united, it can change and you can find yourself dealing with power plays and confrontation that can’t be ignored.
 
I had panic attacks. I certainly didn't expect that!
 
If things go sideways....
Only the judge can invalidate an order of protection or a no contact order not the other party. That is the case in every state in the US that I know of and I know its true in some Canadian provinces and likely all.
The other party calling you and saying come over and you do is a crime on your part for not following the order.
You will be arrested if the cops are called by anyone.
You may or may not be prosecuted but you will be arrested.
The cops have no choice but to arrest you for breaking the order in many states and Canadian provinces.
 
Also and this happened to someone I know do not ride together to court when you have a no contact order.
Someone saw them pull in and told on them and the judge asked how he got there. He left the courtroom in cuffs and she got yelled at by the judge for 5min.
 
So I have never gone through divorce but something I have seen my friends experience is that it is worth it. All the stress and heartache and challenges of getting divorced is all worth it.

divorce.jpg
 
That the process of getting divorced is way more difficult than the process of getting married.
Even a divorce that’s amicable and with no children involved.
 
It does have to cost the earth, and it is possible to remain as friends afterwards.

It helped that my ex-hubby is a great person with an even greater heart.

DK :))
 
Changing your surname back to your Maiden name and having people, noting that this is a different surname, making an assumption and then congratulating you on your marriage.
And then having to say “well, actually I’m recently divorced”.
Awkward.
 
Bron357 said:
Changing your surname back to your Maiden name and having people, noting that this is a different surname, making an assumption and then congratulating you on your marriage.
And then having to say “well, actually I’m recently divorced”.
Awkward.
Click to expand...

This! And also, people saying how sorry they are to hear about my divorce, and I assure them that it's nothing to be sorry about, things are much better now!
 
One divorce I saw had no kids involved and both parties agreed on exactly how to split. An attorney in the area has a flat rate (like under $500 if I remember correctly) and it went super smoothly.

Another I saw should have been simple except custody. One party decided to get an attorney and try to get everything plus full custody. A couple of years later and it wound up split with shared parenting and 50/50 asset division.

Another had one party try to be nice and agreed to give up a bunch of assets to avoid a fight. The other party had a very good attorney and used that as the starting point to take more. $100,000+ in attorney fees (for just my friend not sure what the ex paid) and 7 years of ongoing court. The person who got the good attorney first got nearly everything (defined as two houses, brand new car, and majority of $$$ accounts) while the person who tried to start nice got two used (<$1,000 each) cars. Have a good attorney to start even if you think you don't need one!!!
 
another thought is try to work things out amicably because you can both lose out paying two attorneys for a court battle.
 
To quote my dad "divorce is the gift that keeps on giving." It is like a death and even if it was the best decision ever, there are things that will be hard and sad. I had connections with my spouse's family that I also lost and that was rough. Also, I was in such a hurry to leave and be done with it that I left so much stuff I should have taken with me. I should have thought more about the finances as well. I also should have left a hell of a lot earlier. It was the best decision for me and I am so much happier now. My migraines have faded and my stress level is much lower.
 
acezarra said:
To quote my dad "divorce is the gift that keeps on giving." It is like a death and even if it was the best decision ever, there are things that will be hard and sad. I had connections with my spouse's family that I also lost and that was rough. Also, I was in such a hurry to leave and be done with it that I left so much stuff I should have taken with me. I should have thought more about the finances as well. I also should have left a hell of a lot earlier. It was the best decision for me and I am so much happier now. My migraines have faded and my stress level is much lower.
Click to expand...

Everything you say here is true. I could've written this!
And I left jewelry behind that I still think about......
 
My brother's a divorce attorney, and he's married to a divorce attorney.

They both consider pre-nups easily destroyed, so they told me not to consider them as safe. Still have one, they said, but don't hold your breath that it will save you.
 
TooPatient said:
One divorce I saw had no kids involved and both parties agreed on exactly how to split. An attorney in the area has a flat rate (like under $500 if I remember correctly) and it went super smoothly.

Another I saw should have been simple except custody. One party decided to get an attorney and try to get everything plus full custody. A couple of years later and it wound up split with shared parenting and 50/50 asset division.

Another had one party try to be nice and agreed to give up a bunch of assets to avoid a fight. The other party had a very good attorney and used that as the starting point to take more. $100,000+ in attorney fees (for just my friend not sure what the ex paid) and 7 years of ongoing court. The person who got the good attorney first got nearly everything (defined as two houses, brand new car, and majority of $$$ accounts) while the person who tried to start nice got two used (<$1,000 each) cars. Have a good attorney to start even if you think you don't need one!!!
Click to expand...

That’s just horrible. Outside of abusive situations - I don’t understand how someone can want to wring a person whom they claimed to love dry like this. I’m glad the other party got a fair split eventually, I can’t imagine how stressful those two years must have been.
 
Separate out how you feel from what is best for your a: long term mental health including gaining perspective and separation, and b) what's best for the kids. Hard to do but something to strive for
 
Two male coworkers I work with got put through the ringer when their (stay at home wives) filed for divorce, they are both director level and up (making>200k a year). Both with wives that grew up rich and had huge inheritances from their parents, but never worked a day in their lives....

Both men were over 50, and reduced to giving >90% of their assets to their wives, losing the kids (or had limited visitation) and reduced to renting a room from strangers or family members. It took both guys over 5 years to get back on their feet, pay off lawyers and have enough money to have enough $$ for a down payment to buy a new house.

Both of these guys tell me the same thing....it is cheaper to keep them!
 
jaysonsmom said:
Two male coworkers I work with got put through the ringer when their (stay at home wives) filed for divorce, they are both director level and up (making>200k a year). Both with wives that grew up rich and had huge inheritances from their parents, but never worked a day in their lives....

Both men were over 50, and reduced to giving >90% of their assets to their wives, losing the kids (or had limited visitation) and reduced to renting a room from strangers or family members. It took both guys over 5 years to get back on their feet, pay off lawyers and have enough money to have enough $$ for a down payment to buy a new house.

Both of these guys tell me the same thing....it is cheaper to keep them!
Click to expand...

Wow, that sounds quite unfair. I guess it depends what state one lives in as that is not the universal outcome by any means. I can share many experiences where the wife is the one who got scr***d. And as always there are two sides to all stories. Who knows what really went down in those cases. One never really knows what happens behind closed doors.
 
I went through a very stressful divorce with young children. There were a lot of ugly threats. Involving a judge to untangle yourself from a relationship is difficult. When it’s over, it’s not really over if you have kids.

My advice, be really clear about what you want going in, and don’t cave because the other party might be throwing a tantrum or angry with you. Don’t feel guilty if you initiated the divorce, no one would go through this if it weren’t for the hope of something better. Ignore the smear campaigns and keep it all off social media.

Let yourself lean on friends and family, and try to keep the drinking reasonable. Oh, and find a good therapist if you don’t already work with one! Remember that the way you feel now isn’t the way you’ll feel 6 months from now. And it’s ok to feel happy and relieved when you’re not married anymore.
 
missy said:
Wow, that sounds quite unfair. I guess it depends what state one lives in as that is not the universal outcome by any means. I can share many experiences where the wife is the one who got scr***d. And as always there are two sides to all stories. Who knows what really went down in those cases. One never really knows what happens behind closed doors.
Click to expand...

Agreed. In many cases the “stay at home wife” likely facilitated a lot behind the scenes, which allowed her husband to advance in his chosen career. She may have moved far from family and friends to be with him. She may have given up a career of her own. There are two sides to every story.
 
Shame. I experienced shame about being a divorced person with two children for many years. Embarrassed to say this is my second marriage, yes obviously I couldn't make the first work. (Nothing was going to make that crapshow work but still)

Only when I have aged and become more confident and comfortable in my own skin do I not feel this anymore.

Also, when children are involved, it is never over. Even when they are adults and you are dealing with a manipulative ex, it doesn't stop. Blocking on social, phone numbers, email is your best friend!
 
mom2dolls said:
Shame. I experienced shame about being a divorced person with two children for many years. Embarrassed to say this is my second marriage, yes obviously I couldn't make the first work. (Nothing was going to make that crapshow work but still)
Click to expand...

I'm sorry that you felt shame. I never really did, especially since something like half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. You were not in the minority and it can take courage to leave a bad marriage.
 
Stay at home moms deserve minimum half, and I would think more (not 90% though!) Some choose to sacrifice their careers not only to raise kids but also to support their husbands. They do work; they just don't get paid. In the event of divorce, the husband retains his earning power. The wife has lost a great bit of hers by staying home, depending on the amount of time she's out of the workforce. I would fight for every penny if I were to divorce as I know that after staying at home for 15 years my prospects would be very limited. Grateful that I don't see a divorce anytime soon!
 
jaysonsmom said:
Two male coworkers I work with got put through the ringer when their (stay at home wives) filed for divorce, they are both director level and up (making>200k a year). Both with wives that grew up rich and had huge inheritances from their parents, but never worked a day in their lives....

Both men were over 50, and reduced to giving >90% of their assets to their wives, losing the kids (or had limited visitation) and reduced to renting a room from strangers or family members. It took both guys over 5 years to get back on their feet, pay off lawyers and have enough money to have enough $$ for a down payment to buy a new house.

Both of these guys tell me the same thing....it is cheaper to keep them!
Click to expand...

i sincerely hope divorce law is more fare here
Shurky the inheritance should have been taken into account ?
Should the husbands have got some of that inheritance depending on how long they were married ?
 
jaysonsmom said:
Two male coworkers I work with got put through the ringer when their (stay at home wives) filed for divorce, they are both director level and up (making>200k a year). Both with wives that grew up rich and had huge inheritances from their parents, but never worked a day in their lives....

Both men were over 50, and reduced to giving >90% of their assets to their wives, losing the kids (or had limited visitation) and reduced to renting a room from strangers or family members. It took both guys over 5 years to get back on their feet, pay off lawyers and have enough money to have enough $$ for a down payment to buy a new house.

Both of these guys tell me the same thing....it is cheaper to keep them!
Click to expand...

Is this in US that the wives got 90%+ of assets? I have never heard of such a thing!
The ex-wives got 90% of their house equity, 401K, investment accounts---everything?
And what was the situation with maintenance and child support? I do understand that if the wives did not work they would (in some states) get maintenance for a period of time.
But I have never heard of a spouse getting 90% of assets unless they were non-marital assets that they owned prior to marriage. And those types of folks usually have pre-nups (not that those work so well).
 
I hate to say it but I agree with @Gussie, at least both parties were back on their feet with a house each, 5 years after the divorce. I could forsee other splits which would have presumably made that impossible. So I'm not sure it was the worst splitting of assets imaginable. The custody arrangement is really sad though.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top