What is something people don’t know about divorce until they’ve gone through it?

[jaysonsmom]

Is this in US that the wives got 90%+ of assets? I have never heard of such a thing!
The ex-wives got 90% of their house equity, 401K, investment accounts---everything?
And what was the situation with maintenance and child support? I do understand that if the wives did not work they would (in some states) get maintenance for a period of time.
But I have never heard of a spouse getting 90% of assets unless they were non-marital assets that they owned prior to marriage. And those types of folks usually have pre-nups (not that those work so well).

I guess 90% was just a nominal number thrown out by my coworkers….. the wives got the house, cars, spousal support, child support and had their legal fees paid by the working spouse….all student loans and back taxes etc reduced one of my coworkers to having to $275 a month. Not even enough for food….he ended up having to defer student loans and car payments for a year….meanwhile his ex,
Wife whose dad was a lawyer and very connected….was able to get >90% of his net income to maintain her and the kid’s “accustomed lifestyle” which meant social clubs and riding lessons etc….

In short, both of these coworkers were royally screwed.

 

[monarch64]

Do NOT under any circumstances change your last name. I cannot even begin to describe the hoops I’ve had to jump through to prove my identity over the years. Still dealing with it 11 years after my last name change. And god forbid you did ANYTHING legal regarding marriage in a different state or country. Let’s just say my daughter is under strong advisement that IF she ever decides to marry, she should keep her existing name.

 

[GliderPoss]

Changing your surname back to your Maiden name and having people, noting that this is a different surname, making an assumption and then congratulating you on your marriage.
And then having to say “well, actually I’m recently divorced”.
Awkward.

This 10000% I didn’t expect it to be so arduous to have to prove my own surname as it’s on my bloody birth certificate! I’ll never change it again even if I remarry!

Also that it’s possible to get nothing & have to start all over again. Nothing is fair in life. Also trust issues galore…

 

[AdaBeta27]

Wife whose dad was a lawyer and very connected….was able to get >90% of his net income to maintain her and the kid’s “accustomed lifestyle” which meant social clubs and riding lessons etc….

In short, both of these coworkers were royally screwed.

Yes, and they screwed THEMSELVES by allowing their wives to be stay at homes who didn't have income. Engineers had the most stable marriages per one of the US Censuses. But the ONLY male engineer I ever met who had a sahm wife was Mormon with 8 kids and always more on the way. The single engineers I worked with all said they wanted a good wage earner. And that's exactly what they married. Engineers, computer programmers, PhD chemists, pharmacists. A few teachers or nurse anesthetist. Their kids had nannies and went to daycare asap. And those kids turned out just fine and many became physicians and attorneys and moved to large cities. Confident, self sufficient people, not hobbled by religion or hick family life. One engineer, from a lower socioeconomic background to begin with, married a high school grad woman with looks but no real career skills. She worked as a waitress in a local restaurant.

 

[AdaBeta27]

So I have never gone through divorce but something I have seen my friends experience is that it is worth it. All the stress and heartache and challenges of getting divorced is all worth it.

Divorced, myself, I always get a laugh hearing what Willie Nelson told Merle Haggard: something like "The reason divorce costs so much is because it's worth it." I thought I'd meet someone nice and remarry, but after 18 years I realize I'll never meet anyone worthwhile in this hick dump of a region I live in. And, if I ever do, guaranteed I'll run screaming because he'll be some family man who will expect child free me to do all the wifely slopwork and servant work that family wife did, and I want no d*mn disgusting small town family life whatsoever.

 

[AdaBeta27]

Thanks in advance for opening up your hearts and sharing

Lighthearted jokes permitted too!

Be prepared for possible backlash from religious kooks, and to be dropped by your married friends who will now see you as a threat or possible homewrecker. Believe it or not, some of whom you thought were the most egalitarian people could be the first to heap scorn on YOU for getting divorced. You could be cut out of a lot of couples functions unless you can bring a date. And lots of men will try to take advantage of divorced or widowed women, and some of those men could be the husband's or boyfriend's of your friends. Just prepare to deal with the potential lack of respect from people, and don't be afraid to look a deserving sh*t in the eye and tell them to get lost. I got divorced from a small town man, and I incurred a lot of wrath from bored who aren't as progressive minded and bold as me.

 

[AdaBeta27]

i sincerely hope divorce law is more fare here
Shurky the inheritance should have been taken into account ?
Should the husbands have got some of that inheritance depending on how long they were married ?

Not sure about your state, but States I lived in all say I hesitancy is the private property of just the person who inherited it, as long as that inheritance is kept separate from marital assets. I had a prenuptial, my separate bank accounts, and always transferred money into the joint account for house payment and other joint expenses. But that didn't stop my sunnuvavitch husband from trying to terrorize me into a mental breakdown so he could have me committed and sieze my assets. When he let slip, during an argument, that he'd already talked to an attorney, I was in a lawyer office the next afternoon, filing for divorce and legal separation. That took guts on my part, but when you don't have the brawn you have to use the brain.

 

[kenny]

Now you can have sex with everyone, and not be cheating.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Not sure about your state, but States I lived in all say I hesitancy is the private property of just the person who inherited it, as long as that inheritance is kept separate from marital assets. I had a prenuptial, my separate bank accounts, and always transferred money into the joint account for house payment and other joint expenses. But that didn't stop my sunnuvavitch husband from trying to terrorize me into a mental breakdown so he could have me committed and sieze my assets. When he let slip, during an argument, that he'd already talked to an attorney, I was in a lawyer office the next afternoon, filing for divorce and legal separation. That took guts on my part, but when you don't have the brawn you have to use the brain.

im glad you got out and i hope you are safer and happier now

 

[missy]

Divorced, myself, I always get a laugh hearing what Willie Nelson told Merle Haggard: something like "The reason divorce costs so much is because it's worth it." I thought I'd meet someone nice and remarry, but after 18 years I realize I'll never meet anyone worthwhile in this hick dump of a region I live in. And, if I ever do, guaranteed I'll run screaming because he'll be some family man who will expect child free me to do all the wifely slopwork and servant work that family wife did, and I want no d*mn disgusting small town family life whatsoever.

You are a strong and brave woman for going through what you experienced and for making a better life for yourself. Kudos to you.

Life is challenging no question. But, 100% I would rather be without a romantic partner than in an unhappy relationship/marriage. I can say that even though I have never been divorced. Because I was happy when I was single and never planned on marrying anyone. I was content and happy with the way my life was before I met my husband and was reluctant to get married even though he was the love of my life. It took me five years of dating him to finally accept his marriage proposal. The reason I share this is because though I do not know you I know you are better off single than with a man who is not worth it.

Have you ever considered moving to a different area where you might be able to meet someone better suited for you?
If that is something you are interested in doing. I know it may not be practical though...Otherwise being single can be a wonderful thing.

 

[qubitasaurus]

Yes, and they screwed THEMSELVES by allowing their wives to be stay at homes who didn't have income. Engineers had the most stable marriages per one of the US Censuses. But the ONLY male engineer I ever met who had a sahm wife was Mormon with 8 kids and always more on the way. The single engineers I worked with all said they wanted a good wage earner. And that's exactly what they married. Engineers, computer programmers, PhD chemists, pharmacists. A few teachers or nurse anesthetist. Their kids had nannies and went to daycare asap. And those kids turned out just fine and many became physicians and attorneys and moved to large cities. Confident, self sufficient people, not hobbled by religion or hick family life. One engineer, from a lower socioeconomic background to begin with, married a high school grad woman with looks but no real career skills. She worked as a waitress in a local restaurant.

You seem to be suggesting a sahm mother is not a good partner, and somehow less successful than a women with a career.

I don't believe either of these things to be true. Sahm work the hardest almost out of anyone. To be the main support network for your family and run a household smoothly is a huge job. I actually think this is far more work than just holding down a professional job, with childcare and a lower expectation that you'll be all things to all people simultaneously.

To raise my kids well is also most definitely the hardest and most complex thing I've ever done. I often get a headache off the career bit (impossible seeming projects and long term planing drives me a bit nuts), but it sure is easier than identifying/making good choices all the time for my kids. I'm in awe of the people arround me who manage to be mum 24/7.

 

[Bron357]

You seem to be suggesting a sahm mother is not a good partner, and somehow less successful than a women with a career.

I don't believe either of these things to be true. Sahm work the hardest almost out of anyone. To be the main support network for your family and run a household smoothly is a huge job. I actually think this is far more work than just holding down a professional job, with childcare and a lower expectation that you'll be all things to all people simultaneously.

To raise my kids well is also most definitely the hardest and most complex thing I've ever done. I often get a headache off the career bit (impossible seeming projects and long term planing drives me a bit nuts), but it sure is easier than identifying/making good choices all the time for my kids. I'm in awe of the people arround me who manage to be mum 24/7.

Agree here.
I left my career to raise our daughter as I didn’t want to miss out on raising and enjoying her. I also wanted to be able to participate fully in her school life and her after school activities.
Can I just say my high powered, high stress working life was simple by comparison. Who knew raising children and being at home was so challenging and exhausting. And yes, I did then work part time with DD in child care and that was a killer.
why wasn’t I told beforehand that the mother gene is a bi@ch to override.

 

[Gussie]

Agree here.
I left my career to raise our daughter as I didn’t want to miss out on raising and enjoying her. I also wanted to be able to participate fully in her school life and her after school activities.
Can I just say my high powered, high stress working life was simple by comparison. Who knew raising children and being at home was so challenging and exhausting. And yes, I did then work part time with DD in child care and that was a killer.
why wasn’t I told beforehand that the mother gene is a bi@ch to override.

+1!

The judgement from others that I was "just a sahm" was hard at first too. It took some time to realize that those who were/are judging have absolutely no clue what they are talking about. SMH

 

[OreoRosies86]

Yeah I’m really not liking the tone towards full time parents here. It’s the hardest job in the world and you don’t get paid for it. Not everyone can do it, major props to those who can. I find the majority of folks who judge in this manner have never raised a human child.

 

[Gussie]

Yeah I’m really not liking the tone towards full time parents here. It’s the hardest job in the world and you don’t get paid for it. Not everyone can do it, major props to those who can. I find the majority of folks who judge in this manner have never raised a human child.

Agree. The Mommy Wars continue with no end in sight and no possibility of a winner - we all lose when judging each other. Especially now that women's choices and rights are being revoked, we should all be supporting one another instead of trying to tear each other down.

 

[Lookinagain]

Agree. The Mommy Wars continue with no end in sight and no possibility of a winner - we all lose when judging each other. Especially now that women's choices and rights are being revoked, we should all be supporting one another instead of trying to tear each other down.

I don't know why there need to be "mommy wars". People's personalities are different and each person has to make their own choices. And to say one way is "harder" than the other is judgmental and seems to come from both sides. Some folks find staying home what suits them and don't find it "hard" while others have different preferences and find staying home and not working, "hard". I would hope each would do what is best for them because if they do that, it is probably also best for their family. A mom who stays home and doesn't love doing it probably isn't helping their kids. And one who works when she doesn't want to, or need to, probably isn't either. I think both sides should quit acting like their choice is better, or harder than the other. It's what works for the person. Neither is wrong or right, hard or easy.

 

[luckygreen317]

In California, if you upgraded your wedding ring during the marriage it becomes community property. If you keep your original ring, it’s considered a gift. I negotiated to keep it by giving the ex the boat I never wanted.

 

[Elizabeth35]

Yes---I would hope we are past the mommy wars.
As others have said, we all make our own choices and nobody gets to judge another for either staying home or continuing their career.

 

[Ionysis]

You seem to be suggesting a sahm mother is not a good partner, and somehow less successful than a women with a career.

I don't believe either of these things to be true. Sahm work the hardest almost out of anyone. To be the main support network for your family and run a household smoothly is a huge job. I actually think this is far more work than just holding down a professional job, with childcare and a lower expectation that you'll be all things to all people simultaneously.

To raise my kids well is also most definitely the hardest and most complex thing I've ever done. I often get a headache off the career bit (impossible seeming projects and long term planing drives me a bit nuts), but it sure is easier than identifying/making good choices all the time for my kids. I'm in awe of the people arround me who manage to be mum 24/7.

Sorry to be unpopular but I think a SAHM actually IS in this day and age a poor partner. Not always, but frequently, I see stay at home wives as out of touch and spoiled brats.

I work full time and am the sole provider for my family. I’ve been a stay at home parent for my maternity leave. There is no comparison. My mother was also a SAHM. Yes it important. But it’s has absolutely no comparison to the stress and responsibilities of being a full time bread winner, responsible for all bills and the financial stability of your family AND being a mother.

Those of you who have had the joy of staying at home and not working - think yourselves extraordinarily privileged. Especially if you got the benefit of doing that after the kids went to school full time.

Working is damn hard. Yes it IS harder than working in the home. Yes it is awfully hard being a sole breadwinner. Yes it’s horrific not being able to be with your children because you need to pay for their food and schooling. In my opinion stay at home parents, especially after the kids are at school full time are effectively parasites. And they certainly don’t deserve 90% of their working spouse’s income or assets. Sorry, not sorry.

 

[winnietucker]

Sorry to be unpopular but I think a SAHM actually IS in this day and age a poor partner. Not always, but frequently, I see stay at home wives as out of touch and spoiled brats.

I work full time and am the sole provider for my family. I’ve been a stay at home parent for my maternity leave. There is no comparison. My mother was also a SAHM. Yes it important. But it’s has absolutely no comparison to the stress and responsibilities of being a full time bread winner, responsible for all bills and the financial stability of your family AND being a mother.

Those of you who have had the joy of staying at home and not working - think yourselves extraordinarily privileged. Especially if you got the benefit of doing that after the kids went to school full time.

Working is damn hard. Yes it IS harder than working in the home. Yes it is awfully hard being a sole breadwinner. Yes it’s horrific not being able to be with your children because you need to pay for their food and schooling. In my opinion stay at home parents, especially after the kids are at school full time are effectively parasites. And they certainly don’t deserve 90% of their working spouse’s income or assets. Sorry, not sorry.

I’m going to disagree here. It sounds like your situation is incredibly stressful but is that because you’re doing it all alone?

If we’re being completely honest, I find motherhood to be super stressful, exhausting, and isolating. Our families don’t live in the same state we do so it’s really just my husbands and I. We are each other’s back ups. We have no help on a semi-regular basis that isn’t paid and good lord we are struggling. To keep our sanity, I’ve started outsourcing chores. I cannot imagine having to do it alone + work.

With that said, being a SAHP is a job in itself. Especially when the SAHP handles a large portion of the domestic work so that the working parent can focus on work. My husband asked if I wanted to be a SAHM and honestly, I really rather go to work. I cannot hack it as a SAHM it was too hard for the 18 weeks I was on leave.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I’m going to disagree here. It sounds like your situation is incredibly stressful but is that because you’re doing it all alone?

If we’re being completely honest, I find motherhood to be super stressful, exhausting, and isolating. Our families don’t live in the same state we do so it’s really just my husbands and I. We are each other’s back ups. We have no help on a semi-regular basis that isn’t paid and good lord we are struggling. To keep our sanity, I’ve started outsourcing chores. I cannot imagine having to do it alone + work.

With that said, being a SAHP is a job in itself. Especially when the SAHP handles a large portion of the domestic work so that the working parent can focus on work. My husband asked if I wanted to be a SAHM and honestly, I really rather go to work. I cannot hack it as a SAHM it was too hard for the 18 weeks I was on leave.

I have been working full time my entire adult life, and the two years I was a SAHM was the hardest I ever worked. It’s a shame that people view that work as parasitic or privileged. I found it to be as intensely difficult as it was rewarding.

 

[telephone89]

I have been working full time my entire adult life, and the two years I was a SAHM was the hardest I ever worked. It’s a shame that people view that work as parasitic or privileged. I found it to be as intensely difficult as it was rewarding.

I may not agree with the parasitic comment, but it is absolutely privileged. I know this is a jewellery forum and we're all quite privileged in general, but you must be able to see how choosing to be a single income family is absolutely a privilege. Choosing to stay home and forego an income when kids are in school and are not requiring FT care is absolutely a privilege. If that's what works for a family that is totally fine, but lets not pretend like thats an option for many/most people these days.

 

[winnietucker]

I have been working full time my entire adult life, and the two years I was a SAHM was the hardest I ever worked. It’s a shame that people view that work as parasitic or privileged. I found it to be as intensely difficult as it was rewarding.

Agreed. I’m glad it works for some people but it would never work for me. The pressure to be at home with your baby adds to the guilt every time I log into work. It doesn’t help that mine wants to be held and entertained for ALL of his waking hours and he’s a terrible sleeper, so there are lot of waking hours. But happy parents makes a happy baby and work gives us a break. Much less responsibility at work too.

I may not agree with the parasitic comment, but it is absolutely privileged. I know this is a jewellery forum and we're all quite privileged in general, but you must be able to see how choosing to be a single income family is absolutely a privilege. Choosing to stay home and forego an income when kids are in school and are not requiring FT care is absolutely a privilege. If that's what works for a family that is totally fine, but lets not pretend like thats an option for many/most people these days.

Maybe it’s privileged when the kids are in school and no kids have any special needs that require more care than an average kid. But it’s not like school hours = work hours. It also doesn’t help that daycare cost an arm and a leg. I have a family member who is a SAHM to 3 small children. If she had to work she’d probably spend more money getting those kids in daycare than she’d make.

Sure, it can be argued that children are a privilege but I think you start to go into “only the wealthy can truly afford children” territory. And that’s not fair. Having children shouldn’t be reserved for the privileged few.

 

[Lookinagain]

One additional comment that no one has mentioned, I don't believe, but what about the single parent who does it all? Wouldn't that be the hardest if we are going to compare? And no, every single parent doesn't have a dirty house and feed their kids fast food every night. They put their kids in daycare, go to work, work all day, pick up the kids, get home and cook, feed them, do the chores and put the kids to bed. They do the shopping, pay the bills, take the kids to the doctor, etc. They have no time for themselves. So to me, that would seem to be the hardest.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I may not agree with the parasitic comment, but it is absolutely privileged. I know this is a jewellery forum and we're all quite privileged in general, but you must be able to see how choosing to be a single income family is absolutely a privilege. Choosing to stay home and forego an income when kids are in school and are not requiring FT care is absolutely a privilege. If that's what works for a family that is totally fine, but lets not pretend like thats an option for many/most people these days.

For us, multiple things factored in that didn’t necessarily feel privileged. Firstly, our child was/is special needs and non verbal. A crucial year was devoted to so many appointments with specialists and so much testing it would make anyone’s head spin. The second factor was that we could not afford to have our child in care and have it make sense. The weekly take home pay would have been a laughable amount. When we divorced, the years I took charge of a stressful and unpredictable situation while my then husband built up his career were (thank god!!!!) taken into account in the form of a fair and equitable divorce settlement. I put my professional life on hold to nurture and support our child in any way I could. I was happy to do it and that was what ended up happening, we both supported each other and our child in the ways that demonstrated our differing areas of capability. He even admitted at some point during the whole endless divorce process that he would have been completely lost trying to navigate half the things I took control of. To each their own, but damn right it was a difficult full time job, and really it’s not anyone’s business why families come to the decisions they make.

 

[OreoRosies86]

One additional comment that no one has mentioned, I don't believe, but what about the single parent who does it all? Wouldn't that be the hardest if we are going to compare? And no, every single parent doesn't have a dirty house and feed their kids fast food every night. They put their kids in daycare, go to work, work all day, pick up the kids, get home and cook, feed them, do the chores and put the kids to bed. They do the shopping, pay the bills, take the kids to the doctor, etc. They have no time for themselves. So to me, that would seem to be the hardest.

That’s what I do now, post divorce. And yes, it’s very difficult. The only thing I’d say to women or mothers considering the stay at home gig is, make sure if divorce or death or some other situation arose tomorrow, that you could make a living for yourself.

 

[winnietucker]

One additional comment that no one has mentioned, I don't believe, but what about the single parent who does it all? Wouldn't that be the hardest if we are going to compare? And no, every single parent doesn't have a dirty house and feed their kids fast food every night. They put their kids in daycare, go to work, work all day, pick up the kids, get home and cook, feed them, do the chores and put the kids to bed. They do the shopping, pay the bills, take the kids to the doctor, etc. They have no time for themselves. So to me, that would seem to be the hardest.

Absolutely. It must be really rough and I feel for people in that situation. Especially those who don’t have a village to help them. But we can be empathetic without disparaging others. So much mom shaming and it’s both unproductive and unnecessary. Everyone’s situation is different and what works for each family is different.

 

[telephone89]

Agreed. I’m glad it works for some people but it would never work for me. The pressure to be at home with your baby adds to the guilt every time I log into work. It doesn’t help that mine wants to be held and entertained for ALL of his waking hours and he’s a terrible sleeper, so there are lot of waking hours. But happy parents makes a happy baby and work gives us a break. Much less responsibility at work too.



Maybe it’s privileged when the kids are in school and no kids have any special needs that require more care than an average kid. But it’s not like school hours = work hours. It also doesn’t help that daycare cost an arm and a leg. I have a family member who is a SAHM to 3 small children. If she had to work she’d probably spend more money getting those kids in daycare than she’d make.

Sure, it can be argued that children are a privilege but I think you start to go into “only the wealthy can truly afford children” territory. And that’s not fair. Having children shouldn’t be reserved for the privileged few.

I never said that children should be reserved for the privileged few, I said foregoing two incomes so that one can stay home is and I said that is not an option for many or most people.

For us, multiple things factored in that didn’t necessarily feel privileged. Firstly, our child was/is special needs and non verbal. A crucial year was devoted to so many appointments with specialists and so much testing it would make anyone’s head spin. The second factor was that we could not afford to have our child in care and have it make sense. The weekly take home pay would have been a laughable amount. When we divorced, the years I took charge of a stressful and unpredictable situation while my then husband built up his career were (thank god!!!!) taken into account in the form of a fair and equitable divorce settlement. I put my professional life on hold to nurture and support our child in any way I could. I was happy to do it and that was what ended up happening, we both supported each other and our child in the ways that demonstrated our differing areas of capability. He even admitted at some point during the whole endless divorce process that he would have been completely lost trying to navigate half the things I took control of. To each their own, but damn right it was a difficult full time job, and really it’s not anyone’s business why families come to the decisions they make.

"Weekly take home pay would have been laughable" and what is laughable to you is rent or groceries for another family. This is privilege, please don't mistake your struggles - which are certainly difficult and I'm very sorry for that and glad you were able to be there for your child - for the lack of.

I also did not say it was not difficult. I think raising any kid is difficult, whether working or not!

Edit: I am also a huge proponent for higher minimum wages and longer maternity leave so enable women to HAVE this choice. But I still stand strong that simply being able to make that choice is a great privilege not afforded to many.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I never said that children should be reserved for the privileged few, I said foregoing two incomes so that one can stay home is and I said that is not an option for many or most people.


"Weekly take home pay would have been laughable" and what is laughable to you is rent or groceries for another family. This is privilege, please don't mistake your struggles - which are certainly difficult and I'm very sorry for that and glad you were able to be there for your child - for the lack of.

I also did not say it was not difficult. I think raising any kid is difficult, whether working or not!

Edit: I am also a huge proponent for higher minimum wages and longer maternity leave so enable women to HAVE this choice. But I still stand strong that simply being able to make that choice is a great privilege not afforded to many.

Hardly. It would have been about $5 a week to take home, to have my child in care full time where I was working then. Had it been rent or groceries, it would have been a different conversation.

 

[winnietucker]

I never said that children should be reserved for the privileged few, I said foregoing two incomes so that one can stay home is and I said that is not an option for many or most people.


"Weekly take home pay would have been laughable" and what is laughable to you is rent or groceries for another family. This is privilege, please don't mistake your struggles - which are certainly difficult and I'm very sorry for that and glad you were able to be there for your child - for the lack of.

I also did not say it was not difficult. I think raising any kid is difficult, whether working or not!

And I agree it can be but it’s not always. If it cost me more to send my kid(s) to daycare than I made, why would I do that? Are you really privileged then? There aren’t really any options. It’s not even that uncommon of a scenario. Life is so unpredictable that it can’t really be argued that you should only have kids you know you 100% can afford until they’re off on their own.

Anecdotal, but my own mom became a SAHM after she had my sister. She only had a HS diploma at the time because she had me so young. When she was pregnant the company she worked for was bought out and the new owners quickly cut everyone’s pay. She opted to stay home because they’d pay more in daycare than she’d make. This was also during the last recession, so she couldn’t find another job, let alone find another job that paid enough. I remember she cried because she applied to Target and Costco for entry level jobs and they didn’t even call her back for an interview. She used that time to go college and got her bachelors. She’s okay now but it took a bit. A bunch of other things happened and she now has a masters degree.