Withholding?

[jcarlylew]

Date: 7/16/2009 2:55:35 PM
Author:trillionaire
If someone told you that they were going to withhold sex until their boyfriend proposed, what would you say to them (or think to yourself, lol)?

This is a couple that HAS been having sex. She''s just going to hold it hostage until her man proposes!

Sound off ladies and gents!

i think he is either A) using her and she just figured it out
b) she''s a crack pot waiting to get dumped

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 7/16/2009 4:30:23 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 7/16/2009 4:27:46 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
LOL, God help that guy if he actually gives in and proposes.

He''s looking at a lifetime of dry spells everytime she wants a new car, a new piece of furniture, a new KitchenAid mixer . . .

I might withhold for that...

the industrial size one? in blue? i would too...
or i might put out more for it....

 

[DiamanteBlu]

Date: 7/16/2009 4:45:17 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier

Date: 7/16/2009 4:30:23 PM

Author: elledizzy5

Date: 7/16/2009 4:27:46 PM

Author: LaurenThePartier

LOL, God help that guy if he actually gives in and proposes.


He''s looking at a lifetime of dry spells everytime she wants a new car, a new piece of furniture, a new KitchenAid mixer . . .

I might withhold for that...

Don''t tempt me!

Just go get the mixer . . . I''ll bet he''ll never even notice.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 7/16/2009 6:41:08 PM
Author: Laila619
It''s a woman''s prerogative to change her mind.


However, I hope she didn''t actually TELL the guy, ''I''m not having sex with you anymore until you propose.'' That sounds immature and manipulative.


It''s much better to be honest and say something like, ''I no longer feel comfortable being intimate with you given the current status of our relationship. I decided sex is important to me and I want to share that only with someone to whom I''m seriously committed.''


If he''s a good guy, he''ll at least try to understand her feelings.

lol, I think guys would hear ''no sex without a ring'' and the above bold as approximately the same thing... but I could be wrong.

 

[KatM]

i 100% agree that a woman''s body belongs to her, but idk. something about it just rubs me the wrong way.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 7/16/2009 6:42:54 PM
Author: jcarlylew

Date: 7/16/2009 4:30:23 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 7/16/2009 4:27:46 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
LOL, God help that guy if he actually gives in and proposes.

He''s looking at a lifetime of dry spells everytime she wants a new car, a new piece of furniture, a new KitchenAid mixer . . .

I might withhold for that...

the industrial size one? in blue? i would too...
or i might put out more for it....

The 620 in satin copper. OMG, delish!!!

 

[princessplease]

Big no no. It's basically saying to your future FI that I will manipulate you until you give me the ring if you want to have sex again. I'm not a fan of playing games, and this would be a huge game. If a woman is going to this, she definitely is NOT ready to be a wife. I could see it now, "Honey, buy me this new car, or no hanky panky until you do." Starting out before a marriage as a manipulator will sure set the stage for a failed marriage.

 

[TheDoctor]

Extortion is evil.
Imagine if it were the subject guy writing a similar letter, looking for a response.
He won''t sign the mortgage on the country house until she agrees to something she ain''t ready for yet, and he''s sure there will be disagreement or worse.

If the friend really wants to entice the man in her life to offer to marry her, she needs to step something up a few notches. Most guys take notice of any sort of change, positive or negative. Why choose a negative one? Sets a bad precedent, especially if the (negative) action is rewarded with a relinquishment. It''s going down a bad road. It sounds as if she is far too comfortable.

If he''s worth keeping, he''s probably smart enough to figure out the most basic signs. Removing priveleges requires little imagination, and says more about the conspirator than the victim.

Sorry, male perspective at eye level.

 

[Camille]

Oh, bad idea..........02

 

[purelily]

I dont know. I have to say I'm still passionate about this. A woman should have the right to choose whether she has sex or not. If a woman choose that she does not want to have sex before an engagement regardless of whether she had sex prior that should be her decision. Maybe its because I worked in sexual assault and domestic violence advocacy and this is skewing my view (making it a little more than what it is), but I still have to say it really REALLY depends on the woman's reasons behind making such a decision. If her feelings have changed and she feels that even though the sex is great, she's decided she wants to hold back now because she wants to have that "next step" that is her decision. No questions asked. If my SO complained about it he would be kicked to the curb (and he knows it!!!)

Sex = love only when both parties are feel comfortable and are deeply a part of it or feel a mental connection or feel "safe". Otherwise its just sex. Maybe she doesn't want "just sex" any more. Maybe she wants "love" and does not feel that way because her SO keeps delaying a commitment. In this case, i'd say get out, but hey. if she wants to give the guy a chance and stay in the relationship with no sex i'd say go for it. Its better for him that she's just with holding sex rather than leaving him entirely.

ETA: I have a Pink Kitchenaid Mixer and I LOVE it. Although I would like more gadgets... j/k

 

[princesss]

Ridiculous. What better way to remain connected to the person you want to marry than to withhold something that physically and emotionally connects you?

ETA: Purelily, I do agree that sex is ONLY good when both parties are willing and happy with their decision. And she does have the right to refuse sex for ANY reason. BUT she also needs to understand that withholding as a method to get what she wants can lead to other negative consequences (which is his right - if he doesn't like the fact that she's withholding sex to manipulate him, he has every right to leave). My BF knows that if I say no, it's NO. There have been times when I've been willing but not thrilled, and he has refused because he believes it is only good for us as a couple if both of us are equally engaged. However, you can bet that me withholding that because I wanted something he wasn't willing or able to give would result in a serious conversation about our communication as a couple. He is willing to go along with no nookie just because I say no, but he would take serious issue with it being used as a tool to get what I want.

ETAAgain: Purelily, I think the difference is not having sex because the connection has gone out of it or because sex = love for you and it doesn't any longer is about the connection. No sex because she wants control over something to hurt him because he's not giving her what she wants is manipulative.

 

[galeteia]

At first I rolled my eyes and lol''d.

However, now I am going to side with purelily. If she isn''t comfortable with having sex under her relationship''s current circumstances, then that is her prerogative.

He can either reassure her that he takes their relationship seriously and restore her comfort level, or propose, or decide that she''s being a manipulative witch and dump her if that''s what he feels she''s doing.

If she feels she (and her sexuality) are being taken for granted and she has to take a stand, then all the power to her. I wouldn''t have sex in a relationship I wasn''t happy with, although if I was completely miserable and my partner refused to take steps to relieve the source of my depression I''d leave.

 

[radiantquest]

I think it is a little silly. You are not only making him suffer you are making yourself suffer. I wouldn''t withhold sex for any reason. It benefits no one.

 

[*Danielle*]

Two wrongs don''t make a right. I don''t hold on to the sexist view that men always have the upper hand. If she wants to marry this man then she should wait patiently and have conversations with him, not use something that is important in their relationship to get what she wants.

Yes, it is her body, but she isn''t using it to make herself feel good, she is selling herself for a ring.

She needs to grow up if she wants to get married. Life isn''t perfect and her hooha won''t get her everything.

 

[cindygenit]

I would think to myself: Her action is actually detrimental to her cause. It''s NOT gonna make him want to propose any sooner. In fact, it will create a bit of resentment between them because the girl is being manipulative and crazy.

I would say to them: Let me know how it works out for you

 

[NicaK]

If I did it, I would always wonder if he proposed because he wanted to or because I forced him to. I think that she should just give him some time. Then if he still hasn''t proposed then maybe it''s time to move on. JMO

 

[Octavia]

I''m on the fence...I agree that it''s a really bad way to try to get what you want. But I also agree with purelily/Galateia that sex shouldn''t be taken for granted, especially if she''s not comfortable with the relationship as it stands now. Without knowing the specific people and circumstances involved, I don''t think I could make any blanket statement. I do think, however, that how "sex" is defined makes a difference -- if she means "I''m not comfortable continuing to be physically intimate because I''m not sure we''re equally committed to this relationship and it just doesn''t feel right," I can understand that, but if she means "we can do all sorts of things except The Deed, ''cause it''s gonna drive him crazy and then he''ll propose," I think it''s silly, childish, and naive.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 7/16/2009 4:27:46 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
LOL, God help that guy if he actually gives in and proposes.

He's looking at a lifetime of dry spells everytime she wants a new car, a new piece of furniture, a new KitchenAid mixer . . .

would that same strategy work for a guy too?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 7/16/2009 5:22:10 PM
Author: purelily
Now, I am sure every one has heard the saying why by the cow if you can get the milk for free? Some men take it for granted that they can have free sex free love free housework without having to put in that extra effort. When a man realizes that he is no longer receiving one or all of these things, he must think about what is going on.

don''t forget she''s getting FREE SEX too.

 

[purelily]

ETAA More neuroticism. Edited b'c believed it may offend

ETA: Women's sexual rights and the ability to control who and why one sleeps with should not be questioned. Men have the same rights too, but for women its a little more important. What happens when the guy gets her pregnant and leaves her? Who's the one left with the responsibility? Often, not the man. Its more of a risk and a sacrifice for a woman to have sex.

I just spoke with my SO about this. He said to say both parties are wrong and if she feels that he is not in the same place as her she should leave him, but he did agree that if she is doing this because her values have changed and she doesn't want to have sex because she wants to look at her relationship not sex he agrees with the strategy.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/16/2009 6:41:49 PM
Author: jcarlylew

Date: 7/16/2009 2:55:35 PM
Author:trillionaire
If someone told you that they were going to withhold sex until their boyfriend proposed, what would you say to them (or think to yourself, lol)?

This is a couple that HAS been having sex. She''s just going to hold it hostage until her man proposes!

Sound off ladies and gents!

i think he is either A) using her and she just figured it out
b) she''s a crack pot waiting to get dumped

I love PS - you gals sure do give me something to smile about

 

[Nomsdeplume]

If she had a religious reason to abstain until marriage that''s one thing, but if she''s just pushing him to propose...
Well, don''t say I didn''t warn ya when he goes and gets it somewhere else!

 

[sparklyheart]

I would have to ask her how she really feels about the relationship. If she feels like she has to stop having to sex to get a response from her BF then it makes me wonder how confident she is with herself and her relationship. I know every LIW gets anxious and takes a knock to their self-esteem while you sit around and wait but deep down, don''t you KNOW that he wants to marry you? While I agree that women have the right to control their body, sex is apparently an important part of their relationship already (or she wouldn''t be trying to withold it) so taking that out could be detrimental to them both. Sex is not something to be given away and then taken back just because you want something. Maybe throwing a temper tantrum would work better??

 

[AdiS]

Great idea-make him propose by denying sex. Then spend the rest of your life wondering if you got your proposal simply because the man was horny enough to do anything you aks of him. The lady is going to regret this IMHO, if she isn''t already.

 

[LilyKat]

I must say I''m a bit concerned by those who say that "he might go elsewhere" is a valid reason for having sex.

If my boyfriend cared about and respected me so little that he would even think about "going elsewhere" because I was not sleeping with him - for whatever reason - I would much rather know that before marriage rather than after...

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 7/16/2009 4:27:46 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
LOL, God help that guy if he actually gives in and proposes.

He''s looking at a lifetime of dry spells everytime she wants a new car, a new piece of furniture, a new KitchenAid mixer . . .

I wouldnt be surprised if this was more normal than you think! But it might not be said in so many words.

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 7/16/2009 6:34:37 PM
Author: LilyKat

Date: 7/16/2009 5:37:17 PM
Author: trillionaire

* she says they can focus on getting back to the basics of what is important in the relationship by taking sex out of the equation.

Hmm. Do you think she genuinely means this? Because if she does, that''s pretty hard to argue with. Just because they''ve had sex before shouldn''t mean she loses her right to take a step back and say no.

IMO it all depends on what really, truly is her motive. Manipulation = bad. Wanting to re-evaluate the relationship with the minimum of distractions, or wanting to regain her self-esteem if she feels she is being used = potentially understandable.

And yet regardless of her motive......for the guy, the result is the same!

For me personally I would want to know how long they have been together. eg if they had been living together for many years I would see this as a sort of ultimation. I`d be guessing that for things to get so manipulative and untrusting, its probably not a great relationship (not every marriage involves well matched people). I also wouldnt take it too seriously on face value. The gal probably just really wants his attension and for him to know she is serious. She might be all talk abo9ut the actual abstaining etc.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Sex should never be used as a tool of manipulation. That''s awful to take an expression of love in your relationship and use it.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 7/17/2009 1:41:15 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 7/16/2009 4:27:46 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
LOL, God help that guy if he actually gives in and proposes.

He's looking at a lifetime of dry spells everytime she wants a new car, a new piece of furniture, a new KitchenAid mixer . . .

would that same strategy work for a guy too?

My husband probably knows how to get anything he wants out of me by getting me in a good mood . . . and it's definitely a function of putting out MORE, not less.

 

[Laila619]

Date: 7/17/2009 9:55:46 AM
Author: LilyKat
I must say I''m a bit concerned by those who say that ''he might go elsewhere'' is a valid reason for having sex.

If my boyfriend cared about and respected me so little that he would even think about ''going elsewhere'' because I was not sleeping with him - for whatever reason - I would much rather know that before marriage rather than after...

No kidding! And last I checked, ''he might go elsewhere'' is CHEATING.