worst day ever

[Kaleigh]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:23:10 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
we took a break before and I got back with him and re-engaged..... everyone around me is gonna think im NUTS if we break up again.....

Who cares what other''s think. Do what''s right for you and your safety. I''d break it off now. Really. It will only get worse!!!

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:13:18 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
i can't help but think maybe i am/was over reacting..... my leg isn't even bruising the way I thought it would...... i mean ending a 6 year relationship after this one incident seems a bit dramatic..... but also what if it was worse.... i mean this was because i unplugged the tv..... what if I actually did something worth getting mad about.... im sure u can see my brain is all over the place

You are not overreacting at all!!!! I know you probably feel bad about the time you invested but you need to END this relationship; he is sick. Usually a few glimpses of abuse now will escalate in the future and now is the time to get out. You deserve much better and your parents love you and want to protect you. Listen to your parents; they love you. DO NOT LET HIM BACK EVER.

 

[jas]

Listen carefully, I beg you:

Demonstrations of LOVE should never need recovering from. One should never be BRUISED from a loving act. Love and PUSHING are NEVER EVER the same thing.

You would never want to show someone you love this kind of physical power and humiliation.

You are strong enough to stay away, at least for now. Turn that love and forgiveness you may be feeling for him inward. It''s hard, I know. Don''t worry about him. He can take care of himself, and as another poster pointed out, if it "got out of control" he will do whatever he has to in order to earn your trust back.

Treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Talk to yourself, if you have to, and say "I love myself." It may feel silly, forced, Stewart Smalley-esque, but a part of your brain will hear it and embrace it.

Hugs, and please give your parents hugs.

 

[musey]

I don''t think ANYONE should be marrying someone that they consider breaking up with! You already know that it''s what you should do. Drop the rationalities and DROP HIM!

 

[DiamondSmitten]

OMG sooo much to do....... undoing of all the joint accounts... splitting the money..... i wanna vomit just thinking of it all

 

[Love in Bloom]

Vomit if you have to, but JUST DO IT.

 

[bee*]

You really have to do it though-those things are easily fixed-you can change the bank accounts and do all that in a few days. What''s not easily fixed is years and years of an abusive relationship. Reallly, please listen, walk away now. He does not deserve you.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Honey, get out of that relationship, now. However scary, however painful, you will heal. We''re all behind you and we''re all on your side. Get out, give yourself the chance to be happy.

Please, from someone who has been there - protect yourself from this man and get right away. No one will blame you or berate you. It is hard, but you can do it.

Hugs

Jen

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:35:57 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
OMG sooo much to do....... undoing of all the joint accounts... splitting the money..... i wanna vomit just thinking of it all

Just take it one step at a time. Do the most important things first, other things can wait. Make sure YOU are safe from him. Give him back the ring. Tell him it''s off. Make sure your $ is safe from him. Freeze any credit cards you have together. Go on Monday morning and take your half of the $ out.

Just breathe. We will ALL be here for you. You really just need to do what''s best for YOU.

 

[cara]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:23:10 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
we took a break before and I got back with him and re-engaged..... everyone around me is gonna think im NUTS if we break up again.....

No, everyone is going to think well, they tried but it didn''t work out.

What, so if he beats you up and you DO get bruises on your honeymoon, you''ll stay with him because it would look so odd to get a divorce after two weeks? Thats great thinking.

Call the domestic abuse hotline NOW and get some counseling. Even if there are no bruises the emotional hooks are worse.

 

[Maisie]

I don't mean to sound harsh but I know you have no intention of leaving him. I have seen this before and heard everything you are saying.

My sister lived this. Her husband hurt her so badly time after time. She didn't leave him until he was in prison for attacking another woman.

I wish you would listen to the advice you are hearing here but I know you won't. You will make excuses - probably end up taking the blame for him attacking you.

 

[Haven]

Oh DiamondSmitten, I know this is extremely difficult and scary, but EVERYONE here is saying the same thing, and they are all right. You need to remove yourself from this relationship, and no matter how long you''ve been together, or how crazy you think everyone else with think you are, YOU MUST PROTECT YOURSELF.

Please call the hotline mentioned earlier, and please do not take this man back. He hurt you. He''s hurt you before. He will hurt you again, and it will be worse next time. I''m reminded of the literature about Battered Woman''s Syndrome, which is a diagnosis that used to be used in legal cases where abused women murdered their husbands. While there is debate surrounding whether this syndrome is in fact a clinically diagnosable syndrome, the signs sound alarmingly familiar to your situation:

"The (battering) cycle has three distinct phases. First is the tension-building phase, followed by the explosion or acute battering incident, culminating in a calm, loving respite - often referred to as the honeymoon phase." Walker, L., The Battered Woman (1979).

The Court in People v. Aris, 215 Cal App 3d 1194, 264 Cal Rptr 167, 178 (1989) stated that "battered women tend to stay in abusive relationships for a number of reasons." Among those reasons: women are still positively reinforced during the honeymoon phase; women tend to be the peacekeepers in relationships - the ones responsible for making the marriage work; adverse economic consequences; it is more dangerous to leave than to stay; . . . "

Please please please take care of yourself, and remove this person from your life. Yes, he may love you, and you may love him, but love is an act, not a state of feeling.

Good luck, DS.

 

[Love in Bloom]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:42:36 PM
Author: Maisie
I don''t mean to sound harsh but I know you have no intention of leaving him. I have seen this before and heard everything you are saying.

My sister lived this. Her husband hurt her so badly time after time. She didn''t leave him until he was in prison for attacking another woman.

I wish you would listen to the advice you are hearing here but I know you won''t. You will make excuses - probably end up taking the blame for him attacking you.

I have this same feeling in my gut too

.

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh, Sweety! RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN! This will not change. You are not yet married and that''s a BLESSING. PLEASE! Do not marry a man who abused you, assaulted you. Seriously. It will only escalate. Think of your future children! Do you really want them to see you treated that way?

You''re worried what people will think? If anyone thinks it''s ''weird'' that you broke it off again. All you have to say is the truth, "He hit me." ''Nough Said. People will admire your courage and self-respect.

We are all begging you: DO NOT GO BACK TO A MAN WHO STRUCK YOU. EVER! And no one, NO ONE, EVER ''deserves'' to be hit. Don''t start thinking that way!

Freeze those credit cards. Go get your half of the money from the joint accounts. Feel PROUD of yourself for having self-respect.

And hurray for your parents for protecting you.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:53:56 PM
Author: Love in Bloom

Date: 6/23/2007 4:42:36 PM
Author: Maisie
I don't mean to sound harsh but I know you have no intention of leaving him. I have seen this before and heard everything you are saying.

My sister lived this. Her husband hurt her so badly time after time. She didn't leave him until he was in prison for attacking another woman.

I wish you would listen to the advice you are hearing here but I know you won't. You will make excuses - probably end up taking the blame for him attacking you.

I have this same feeling in my gut too

.

I feel so bad for her and wish her the best but

Please please get out of that horrible relationship. We are here for you after you end it to cheer you on. HUGS

 

[DiamondSmitten]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:53:56 PM
Author: Love in Bloom

Date: 6/23/2007 4:42:36 PM
Author: Maisie
I don''t mean to sound harsh but I know you have no intention of leaving him. I have seen this before and heard everything you are saying.

My sister lived this. Her husband hurt her so badly time after time. She didn''t leave him until he was in prison for attacking another woman.

I wish you would listen to the advice you are hearing here but I know you won''t. You will make excuses - probably end up taking the blame for him attacking you.

I have this same feeling in my gut too

.

ouch....

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/23/2007 5:07:33 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten

Date: 6/23/2007 4:53:56 PM

Author: Love in Bloom

Date: 6/23/2007 4:42:36 PM

Author: Maisie

I don''t mean to sound harsh but I know you have no intention of leaving him. I have seen this before and heard everything you are saying.


My sister lived this. Her husband hurt her so badly time after time. She didn''t leave him until he was in prison for attacking another woman.


I wish you would listen to the advice you are hearing here but I know you won''t. You will make excuses - probably end up taking the blame for him attacking you.

I have this same feeling in my gut too

.

ouch....

If you''re hurt by this DS the only thing to do is PROVE THEM WRONG and do the right thing. LEAVE HIM.

 

[DiamondSmitten]

he is out.... and i live here... and they wont let him back.... and hearing support from so many helps....

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 6/23/2007 5:07:13 PM
Author: Skippy123

Date: 6/23/2007 4:53:56 PM
Author: Love in Bloom

Date: 6/23/2007 4:42:36 PM
Author: Maisie
I don't mean to sound harsh but I know you have no intention of leaving him. I have seen this before and heard everything you are saying.

My sister lived this. Her husband hurt her so badly time after time. She didn't leave him until he was in prison for attacking another woman.

I wish you would listen to the advice you are hearing here but I know you won't. You will make excuses - probably end up taking the blame for him attacking you.

I have this same feeling in my gut too

.

Me three. I feel so bad for her and wish her the best but

Please please get out of that horrible relationship. We are here for you after you end it to cheer you on. HUGS

Me 4.

I hope you prove us wrong!!!!! I know you are worried about what people will think, but I think it would be worse if you stay with him. If he is able to lose control with your parents in the next room then it won't end there! Instead of worrying about what people will think, ask yourself what your parents will think? What will your friends think when he goes off on you in public the next time? What will your children think when daddy is screaming at you?

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/23/2007 5:09:32 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
he is out.... and i live here... and they wont let him back.... and hearing support from so many helps....

I''m not trying to hurt you DS. I would love to come over there and give you a huge big hug and tell you how much more you are worth than a life of always walking on eggshells and trying to make sure you don''t annoy him for fear of him losing his temper. You are in the right position to walk away from this. You can be in control but you need to be tough. See that he has a huge problem. Don''t allow him to do this to you.

There are so many decent and loving men in this world. Don''t accept less than the best for you.

 

[Independent Gal]

You will get endless support from us so long as you promise never, ever to let him back in your life.

He hit you. He treated you like an object, like less than a human being. If you EVER feel like letting him back, you just keep repeating that to yourself "He treated me like less than a human being, like less than an animal (would you forgive him for kicking your PET like that?!). He treated me like an object. He hit me. " END of story. No! No no no. Never.

No amount of love or lovey-doveyness will EVER make that ok. You are a PERSON. No one should EVER be allowed to treat you as less than that. Respect yourself! Demand respect!

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 6/23/2007 5:15:27 PM
Author: Independent Gal
You will get endless support from us so long as you promise never, ever to let him back in your life.


He hit you. He treated you like an object, like less than a human being. If you EVER feel like letting him back, you just keep repeating that to yourself ''He treated me like less than a human being, like less than an animal (would you forgive him for kicking your PET like that?!). He treated me like an object. He hit me. '' END of story. No! No no no. Never.


No amount of love or lovey-doveyness will EVER make that ok. You are a PERSON. No one should EVER be allowed to treat you as less than that. Respect yourself! Demand respect!

Ditto here too. We want the best for you

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/23/2007 5:09:32 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
he is out.... and i live here... and they wont let him back.... and hearing support from so many helps....

Please please keep that in mind. We all love you even though we don''t know you in person. And you really don''t need to be with a man who doesn''t respect you like he should. You really need to remember that the violence is really a way of HIM showing YOU that he doesn''t respect you. Remember that. You deserve to be respected.

Stay strong and take it one day at a time. It will get easier.

 

[KimberlyH]

DS,

You need to do more than call a hotline, you need to file a police report immediately. Go to the bank, remove 1/2 of the money from the account(s) and begin the process of dealing with joint debt.

If memory serves you have had a rocky relationship with this man for a very long time. Lots of ups and downs including family and financial issues...life after "I do" doesn''t get easier, it gets harder and it takes two loving, commited human beings who want nothing but the best for each other to navigate through together.

You fear starting over, which I assume means a new relationship. A lesson I wish could be taught in school is that being alone is not a tragedy. It can often be better than an alternative: a lifetime of misery stemming from the fear of not having someone. You have you; you need to be your own best friend, constructive critic and advocate.

Find a way out before you''re 5, 10, 20, 40 years older and wishing that your life was oh so different than it will turn out if you stay.

 

[VRBeauty]

I''d second what Surfgirl said. You''ve seen red flags before, you''ve had concerns before, but you reconnected with your FI anyway. Please consider taking steps to understand why you''ve ignored those red flags so you don''t end up in this situation again (with this guy or somebody else).

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:05:11 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
this is gonna sound crazy, but had i not been there i wouldnt even believe he had it in him.... he is VERY low key, doesn''t talk much.... even when we fight he is silent more than he yells.........as i was going into the dresser and my head was hitting the TV it was almost an out of body experience

Robin Givens was on Larry King Live the other night recalling the first time Mike Tyson hit her ...it was practically word for word what you said. Tyson he later recalled the same incident in an interview ... calling it "his best punch ever". She married him anyway and endured unspeakable terror & abuse. I fear this is just the beginning for him -- which is why in NEEDS to be the end for you.

 

[monarch64]

DS, I feel really bad for you. I''m glad he''s out and hopefully never comes back for your sake. And as for people thinking you''re crazy for cancelling your wedding, or thinking anything about your situation at all, they''re not you, and it''s no one''s business anyway except yours. You stay strong and focus on treating yourself right, get your finances sorted out so you can be done with him and move forward with your life. This is your chance to take your life in a new direction, you will be free and can do whatever YOU want to do (including unplugging the t.v.). I know it''s scary to think about, and it will be tough but you will gain confidence being on your own. You can do it.

 

[Pandora II]

Sweetie, trust me you need to run far far away here. I know exactly how you feel and I know the excuses you are making. It just seems so unfair that he is screwing up your life in everyway right now and you are trying to turn the clock back so it can be normal again. The truth is you can't and it will be far worse if you go back as you will basically be telling him you accept it.

I went out with a man who came from a very sad background - abusive father and mother shot herself when he was 13, father moved the mistress in the next day and forced the kids to call her mom etc etc

Well, one morning he gave me a black eye because he didn't think the suit I was wearing to a job interview was ironed well enough (why he thought the black eye was an improvement I'll never know). When I got back to town that night he was on his knees on the station platform - tears, flowers, promises - I got the lot and like a fool I took him back.

Less than a year later he did it again and in the middle of shouting at me he told me I had no respect for myself because I hadn't left the first time. Later I got the apologies again - yup like an imbecile I stayed. It happened again and again and became more frequent.

I finally left when I realised I could never have the smallest disagreement because I was so scared of provoking him. I was walking on eggshells. He spent weeks trying to get me back. That was 7 years ago.

I spent ages too scared to date anyone and then got some serious counselling to find out why I would do this to myself and learn how to be with healthy people.

My FI has never even raised his voice to me in nearly 3 years and I know 150%| he would never lay a finger on me.

I have met a lot of other women in therapy who have been in abusive relationships and we all have the same tale. Please get help for yourself and a safe place to grieve for the loss of your dreams. New and better ones will be just around the corner.

ETA: Go and buy a copy of "Women who love too much" and everytime you feel yourself giving in read it again - I got through 3 copies before I stopped needing it.

 

[robbie3982]

Please take everyone''s advice and leave him. You deserve so much better than someone who would ever hit you. I agree that even if this had been the first time (which it''s not) it''s NEVER ok for someone to hit you. You NEVER deserve to be hit. It wouldn''t even matter if you''d just said tons of horrible things to you. It''s abuse. It''s not ok and you DON''T deserve it.

We all care about you and are here for you.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/23/2007 7:34:15 PM
Author: Pandora II
Please get help for yourself and a safe place to grieve for the loss of your dreams. New and better ones will be just around the corner.

Dreams ... exactly! The relationship (even a six year one) IS NOT, WAS NOT, WILL NOT be what you thought it was. He is not who you hoped he was. You will mourn the loss of that dream. Better to mourn the loss of that dream than to slip back into denial & end up in a long nightmare before mourning the dream & "starting over" at 35, 45, 55. There are even worse scenarios too ... but I won''t belabor the point.

New and better dreams, new and better men will be around the corner - once you truly believe that you WON''T ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS!