worst day ever

[oshinbreez]

I haven''t read any responses, so excuse me if I repeat what others have said.

RUN!!!!! Get out of the relationship NOW!!!! Take it from someone who has been through it.

I''m sure he''ll tell you how sorry he is and that he didn''t mean to hurt you. How much he loves you and how it will never happen again. He''ll change. He might even tell you that it was YOUR fault for some reason, and you might even begin to believe that maybe it was. BULL!!!! It won''t get any better. It will only get worse. I was afraid for my life while married, and for many years after getting divorced. It''s not a life I would wish on anyone. You have to break all communication. Don''t talk to him on the phone, don''t answer the door, delete emails without reading. And get a restraining order.

My prayers are with you.

 

[WTNLVR]

I agree with all of the above. Take out your money from your joint accounts without telling him- if there is any left at this point. File a restraining order, give back the ring and get some counseling. This web site has valuable information for victims of domestic violence. He will not change and will likely get much worse after you marry him.
http://www.ndvh.org/educate/abuse_quiz.html

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 6/23/2007 3:55:20 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
the incidences have been few and far between

They shouldn''t happen AT ALL! Ending a 6 year relationship NOW is much better than waiting until the abuse gets worse (which it probably will) and go through a divorce. You deserve to be with someone who wouldn''t DREAM of laying a hand on you. Imagine having children with him. I am not saying he would hurt them but he seems like a loose wire so you never know. You say the communication is a problem too. That is ENOUGH to destroy a relationship. You need to break up and move on once and for all!

 

[oshinbreez]

Now, I''ll answer your other posts since I''ve read them.

Date: 6/23/2007 3:55:20 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
the townhouse my fi and I were supposed to move into isnt ready for us untill mid august so we are both with my parents for now... they kicked him out becuase he kicked me.....



a few years ago when we were in an apt he wrapped his arms around me and pushed me into a wall, another time he thru my engagement ring box in a wall of our apt taking a chunk out of the wall and shattering the box... but the incidences have been few and far between

It starts out with the incidents being few and far between. But, if you stay in the relationship, the incidents will become more frequent. They also become more violent.

 

[decodelighted]

One more quick comment ... I don't claim to be able to read your mind but I think I would be thinking:

a "Poor him, nobody's going to marry him. I should help him get better."

Leaving him is the best thing you can do for him too. He has to realize that his actions have consequences. That women will not tolerate treatment like that. Maybe then & only then will he turn inward to HELP HIMSELF. Only *he* can help him. Right now, he has no reason to. You staying won't change that. He'll always secretly believe (as someone else said) that you're "damaged", without self-respect, accepting of abuse, weak, will always take him back -- because that's the message STAYING sends. Unfortunately the only impact you can have now is in absentia.

b "SOMEONE's gonna marry him, why not me?"

Hopefully no one will until he helps himself. But even if someone else dates him like this & puts up with his behavior -- that's THEIR problem, not yours. You can only help YOURSELF.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:00:19 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
I am safe with my parents.... but soooo lost and confused... I mean I never thought this would be an issue... he said he let his anger get the best of him....

I''m glad you''re safe at your parents. This is the best place for you right now.....with people who love and will protect you. Feeling lost and confused is completely normal, and no abused woman ever thought that it would happen to them. He let his anger get the best of him....yeah, he did. But, he has proven that he can''t control it on his own. He needs help. But you can''t help him. And PLEASE don''t "be there for him" so he has a "reason" to get help. It''s something he needs to do for himself. If he does it for someone else, it won''t work.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:05:11 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
this is gonna sound crazy, but had i not been there i wouldnt even believe he had it in him.... he is VERY low key, doesn''t talk much.... even when we fight he is silent more than he yells.........as i was going into the dresser and my head was hitting the TV it was almost an out of body experience

I''ve known several men that I didn''t think had it in them. My ex husband was also low key. Didn''t yell. Those are the worst kind. They keep things bottled up until they blow. And you never know what will set them off.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:09:53 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
the thought of ending this and starting all over again is SOOOOOOOO DAUNTING..... i want to cry and scream........

Starting over is a lot better than staying in an abusive relationship. Give yourself time to get yourself together first before you begin to think of any relationship.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:23:10 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
we took a break before and I got back with him and re-engaged..... everyone around me is gonna think im NUTS if we break up again.....

Well tell them he hit you. Then they''ll think you''re nuts for going back to him. Problem solved.

Seriously, what will it take? And if you are so concerned about what people think, just know in the future you''ll be trying to explain a black eye or missing teeth if you stay with this loser. I hope you won''t make yourself a loser too by staying with him.

Sometimes the rewards in life take hard work. That may involve splitting up joint accounts, giving up that diamond ring you love, and vomiting. I grew up in a house filled with domestic violence. Don''t do this to your children. I am a pretty easy going gal, but I will admit that this is the ONE area where I am carrying baggage.

Please don''t be stupid.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:13:18 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
i can''t help but think maybe i am/was over reacting..... my leg isn''t even bruising the way I thought it would...... i mean ending a 6 year relationship after this one incident seems a bit dramatic..... but also what if it was worse.... i mean this was because i unplugged the tv..... what if I actually did something worth getting mad about.... im sure u can see my brain is all over the place

It wasn''t over ONE incident. You''d said how things had happened in the past. Be thankful that you aren''t married. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!!!! Not in any way, shape, or form. You need to understand that.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:18:38 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
u know what kills me, if anyone i loved ie: my friends, called and told me this happened... i would tell them to RUN!! but i am sitting here thinking of ways to make it work.... counseling etc.... but this isnt the only problem in our relationship.....communication has been a problem for yrs

You are making sense to me. You are an abused woman. That''s something else you have to realize. No sugar coating it. When you realize that you are being abused, then you can start to make a change.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:23:10 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
we took a break before and I got back with him and re-engaged..... everyone around me is gonna think im NUTS if we break up again.....

Let them think what they want. If you tell them that he''s abusing you, no one will think you''re nuts. And if you don''t want to admit it to others.....which is very hard to do.....you can just say that there are things about him that you just can''t tolerate to be able to marry him.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:35:57 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
OMG sooo much to do....... undoing of all the joint accounts... splitting the money..... i wanna vomit just thinking of it all

If I was you, I''d go to the ATM and draw out as much money as you can tonight and do it again tomorrow. I say that because it''s quite possible that he could beat you to the bank Monday morning and withdraw all of it. You could also make some big purchases.....tv, computer, etc, and write a check for the purchases. That way, you can take them back and get the cash.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 6/23/2007 5:07:33 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten

Date: 6/23/2007 4:53:56 PM

Author: Love in Bloom

Date: 6/23/2007 4:42:36 PM

Author: Maisie

I don''t mean to sound harsh but I know you have no intention of leaving him. I have seen this before and heard everything you are saying.


My sister lived this. Her husband hurt her so badly time after time. She didn''t leave him until he was in prison for attacking another woman.


I wish you would listen to the advice you are hearing here but I know you won''t. You will make excuses - probably end up taking the blame for him attacking you.

I have this same feeling in my gut too

.

ouch....

I have to admit that it''s very hard to get out of this kind of relationship. Prove them wrong.....I have faith in you. Do you have it in yourself?

 

[sumbride]

I'm chiming in late but I agree with everyone else. Your relationship needs to be OVER.

if you think ending a 6 year relationship (while still not married) is daunting, try 30 years after he breaks your bones pushing you down the stairs!!! You're young... do you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with him??? NO WAY NO HOW!!! You don't deserve to be abused, no matter how much you love him. GET OUT NOW and consider yourself lucky that it's just a few bank accounts to deal with and not a full-fledged divorce.

 

[risingsun]

Please listen to the advice you have been given. The violence will only get worse over time. It becomes increasingly difficult to leave, the longer you stay in an abusive relationship. You can rebuild your life, but not with him as a part of it. Some of us have been where you are. Please trust us that we know it is painful to leave...but it is devastating and life-threatening to stay. My prayers are with you.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 6/23/2007 8:58:33 PM
Author: sumbride
I''m chiming in late but I agree with everyone else. Your relationship needs to be OVER.


if you think ending a 6 year relationship (while still not married) is daunting, try 30 years after he breaks your bones pushing you down the stairs!!! You''re young... do you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with him??? NO WAY NOW HOW!!! You don''t deserve to be abused, no matter how much you love him. GET OUT NOW and consider yourself lucky that it''s just a few bank accounts to deal with and not a full-fledged divorce.

I was married to an abuser for 6 years and 2 children. It took HIS friends to give me the courage to kick him out. HIS friends were afraid for my life. HIS friends stayed with me and the kids 24/7 for 4 months until my divorce was final and I could take the kids out of the state without my ex taking me to court for taking the kids away from him. Then, I lived for another 15 years of being stalked by the man. Is that the kind of life you''d want?

 

[enbcfsobe]

My thoughts are with you. It is difficult to end any relationship, but ending an abusive relationship is incredibly hard. At the same time, it is necessary. You are incredibly lucky that you (and your parents!) are starting to recognize the abuse before you are married. For my mom's first marriage, the realization came too late and she did not have the support of her parents (they actually told her it was her fault, which is the worst way to perpetuate abusive situations!). She was lucky enough to finally get away, but not until he had caused her to miscarry and literally taken every one of her posessions other than her car and a bare matress. Sadly, she should be considered lucky -- many women lose much more, even their lives or the lives of other family and friends.
Please take seriously the advice and encouragement given here. Ask your parents, a close friend, a clergy member, or even a confidential counselor on an 800 line -- whoever you feel comfortable with -- to help you work through the technical details. Even if you lose some sleep, some money, and possibly even some terribly misguided friends, it is worth it and could save your life. Don't set yourself up to become a part of a terrible cycle. Take a stand for yourself, and for your future children. I would also suggest that you consider doing some ongoing counseling work with someone familiar with this type of situation. While it is really him who has a problem, it is important for you to have someone not directly involved in the situation to help you keep your perspective and provide an outlet for working through the confusion, fear, despair, guilt, anger, embarassment and self-doubt you will feel. You will feel many of these things at different times, and some of them can make your reasoning very clouded. It is easy for those on the outside to say "you shouldn't feel like that" but the reality is you may feel it, but if you have someone who can help you work through it in a more objective way, you can still acknowledge and conquer those feelings without trying to deny that they exist. It doesn't have to be a psychologist -- a social worker or anyone else trained to deal with relationships can be an invaluable resource in going through this very difficult time.
I don't know what else to say -- I'm not much for prayer, but I really am saying one now that whatever powers that be give you the strength to walk away, because no woman deserves to be treated like that even once.

 

[Harriet]

Please leave him. I''m sorry, but it has to be done.

 

[indecisive]

I know it is hard but try not to think of "starting over" as a scary thing but as an opportunity. Now you can find a true partner that would never do anything to hurt you and will truly love you enough for it to be forever. Good luck.

 

[monarch64]

DS, I was just reading back through some of your posts...you''re only 23, you have a masters degree...you have YOUR WHOLE LIFE ahead of you, wide open with opportunities and possibilities. Please don''t let this guy back into your life, I know you have a long history together but do yourself a huge favor and let him go.

 

[princesss]

Please please please leave him. Look at it this way:

You''re safe in your parents house. They support you. They protected you when you couldn''t or wouldn''t protect yourself. You can go with them to get your money. You can make sure they are around if you ever have to deal with him again (joint accounts, debt, etc.). You have a support network.

I had to watch my best friend go through a relationship like this. I had to hear her stories about the bruises, the screaming, all of it...and I had to hold her hand and hug her and help her day to day for weeks after it ended. And you know what she told me she missed? Being in a relationship. Not him, not them as a couple...just being with somebody. You said you are scared to start over...don''t let it stop you. Are you more afraid of starting over than you are of being beaten and possibly killed? Because if you go back to him, that is what you''re facing down the road. Abusive behaviour DOES NOT STOP. I don''t care how "few and far between" these incidents are...they''ll get closer together and more intense. Imagine if the two of you were living together in your own place. He could have beaten you senseless with *nobody* around to find out.

DON''T make excuses for him. There are no excuses for this.

DON''T rationalize his behaviour for him.

DON''T think this is ever going to stop. He''ll keep hitting you only as long as you let him. By going back to him, you''re telling him, "I don''t respect myself enough to keep myself safe. I don''t expect you to respect me either. I am your willing victim.

DON''T act as if you deserved this. Nothing you have done warranted this action. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I don''t care if your leg isn''t bruising the way you thought it would...just because it won''t stay purple for a month doesn''t mean what he did was acceptable. It''s not.

Please, honey, please prove that you value yourself and KICK HIM TO THE CURB.

And as for what your friends will think if you break up again....who cares? If you want to get into this story with them, you''d be surprised how many would probably want to take a baseball bat to him. If not, they just think that you weren''t happy and are trying to make yourself happy. In the end what other people think isn''t worth anything. Your life is worth everything. Protect it.

 

[iheartscience]

Leave him. I believe in you. You can and you will leave him and be better off because of it. You are worth more than this. You have your whole life ahead of you to find someone who treats you well. You deserve better than this.

 

[upgrading mama]

I am so glad you are safe;that must be a very scary feeling to feel unsafe around someone you love.

The worst thing you could do is ignore it and pretend it didn't happen, for your sake. PLease keep us posted and stay safe!

 

[Anastasia]

the thought of ending this and starting all over again is SOOOOOOOO DAUNTING..... i want to cry and scream........

You are 23 years old. You have just been saved from making a HUGE mistake. Don''t find this daunting, find this fortunate, exciting and challenging. What is it that you are starting over? You don''t own a house with him. You aren''t married to him. You don''t have children with him. I looked at your previous posts. It looks like you have saved some money together. Other than that, it sounds like you don''t have anything tying you to him.

Don''t overthink this. He hit you. It wasn''t the first time. Not Acceptable. End of Story.

You have a supportive family. You have your whole life ahead of you. There are many wonderful men out there. You will find one of them.

This is not an ending - it is a beginning. Do whatever you need to do to separate your finances and get out there and start your wonderful new life!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 6/24/2007 12:13:37 AM
Author: Anastasia
the thought of ending this and starting all over again is SOOOOOOOO DAUNTING..... i want to cry and scream........

You are 23 years old. You have just been saved from making a HUGE mistake. Don''t find this daunting, find this fortunate, exciting and challenging. What is it that you are starting over? You don''t own a house with him. You aren''t married to him. You don''t have children with him. I looked at your previous posts. It looks like you have saved some money together. Other than that, it sounds like you don''t have anything tying you to him.

Don''t overthink this. He hit you. It wasn''t the first time. Not Acceptable. End of Story.

You have a supportive family. You have your whole life ahead of you. There are many wonderful men out there. You will find one of them.

This is not an ending - it is a beginning. Do whatever you need to do to separate your finances and get out there and start your wonderful new life!

Well said!!!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

DS~
First of all, if your friends think you''re ''nuts'' for breaking up with him again, I hope it''s because they never knew how this scumbag/loser/waste of oxygen shoved you into a wall, violently threw your ring box, and smashed you into the TV. If my ''friends'' knew about this behavior and thought I was nuts for ending the relationship, they wouldn''t be my friends at all.
Second, sweetie...if this isn''t the first time, why in the heck are you still with this p.o.s. who calls himself a person?
Third, good for your parents for kicking his sorry ass out of THEIR house. I hope you actually called the police instead of just telling him you would. I hope you filed a report. Also, get a restraining order or an order of protection. The two are different, and I can''t remember which is better, but do it ASAP.
If we''re being harsh, it''s only because we''re looking at the situation from an objective outside perspective. Some ladies have been in the same situation and all are telling you the same thing. You said if this were one of your friends, you''d tell her to run. Tell your best friend what happened. I''m sure she''ll support you and help you work through the details of the breakup that should occur.
I''ll echo the others...this is a repeated behavior and it will only get worse. This jerk is blatantly showing you who he is. It may be hard for you to see right now, but the writing''s on the wall. Open your eyes sweetie. This is not ok. One little shove or violent act (whether it left a bruise or not) is not acceptable, let alone 3. I hope you respect yourself to get out of this situation and keep yourself safe. Good luck hun.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 6/23/2007 4:13:18 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
i can''t help but think maybe i am/was over reacting..... my leg isn''t even bruising the way I thought it would...... i mean ending a 6 year relationship after this one incident seems a bit dramatic..... but also what if it was worse.... i mean this was because i unplugged the tv..... what if I actually did something worth getting mad about.... im sure u can see my brain is all over the place

Wow. Had to Delete my first three responses.

In this post your are showing CLASSIC, and I mean CLASSIC, signs of an abused spouse/significant other.

I was with one guy for just under 4 years. And he hit me once three years into our relationship. I forgave him afterward. But a few months later I left because the trust was just gone and I couldn''t look at myself with respect in the mirror anymore for staying.

Leave now. Imagine having a child with this man. What happens if he loses his temper then? When your not around. Or if you interfere and try to protect him. GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT. NOW.

John, in contrast, has never even bumped into me hard in anger, irriation or annoyance in the eight years we''ve been together. And believe you me, I try his temper and patience sorely.

 

[Gypsy]

Whatever the number is up to ... I have to say I have the same bad feeling. I''m sorry if it hurts. But you are focusing on how HARD it''s going to be to break up, that''s a really bad sign. What you should be focusing on is HOW HARD IT WILL BE TO STAY.

It was HARD to let go of my 4 year relationship. But as with most things in life that are REALLY worth it, it was so worthwhile in the end!!! And SO much easier than staying in that relationship with that constant fear and uncertainty.

 

[door knob solitaire]

I wonder if your friends would still say you were nutts while holding your hand at an emergency clinic with your mouth wired shut...or while you get your new dentures fitted...or a cast on a broken arm...or worse...your eulogy. You may think we are going to extremes...but we all feel you need to be supported and reminded this is not normal. A man that uses his own body in anger to afflict damage to a woman or a child is not a man. He is a weak spineless slug.

Everyone has done their absolute best to express to you not to stand for this. He signed his walking papers. Yes, it is going to be awkward...and embarrassing...and expensive...and well not pretty. This is serious business-this is your life. The most valuable thing YOU own. He made a decision...to do what he did to you. This is not an act of a man who treasures you above all others.

When you walk down that isle...I want you to know without a shadow of a doubt, that the man you chose will slay dragons for you, walk on fire to get to you, swim the english channel to bring you a lemonade just because, and even go to the store to buy your feminine hygiene products. Honey, THAT guy IS waiting for you. Can''t you just grab hold of that? You will be treasured beyond precious jewels.

You are strong enough to overcome this...

We will are all here to help you anyway we can. DKS