worst day ever

[monarch64]

Date: 6/24/2007 4:08:51 AM
Author: door knob solitaire
I wonder if your friends would still say you were nutts while holding your hand at an emergency clinic with your mouth wired shut...or while you get your new dentures fitted...or a cast on a broken arm...or worse...your eulogy. You may think we are going to extremes...but we all feel you need to be supported and reminded this is not normal. A man that uses his own body in anger to afflict damage to a woman or a child is not a man. He is a weak spineless slug.

Everyone has done their absolute best to express to you not to stand for this. He signed his walking papers. Yes, it is going to be awkward...and embarrassing...and expensive...and well not pretty. This is serious business-this is your life. The most valuable thing YOU own. He made a decision...to do what he did to you. This is not an act of a man who treasures you above all others.

When you walk down that isle...I want you to know without a shadow of a doubt, that the man you chose will slay dragons for you, walk on fire to get to you, swim the english channel to bring you a lemonade just because, and even go to the store to buy your feminine hygiene products. Honey, THAT guy IS waiting for you. Can''t you just grab hold of that? You will be treasured beyond precious jewels.

You are strong enough to overcome this...

We will are all here to help you anyway we can. DKS

ITA with everything in this post. My DH is OOT this week coming back tomorrow and I almost want to commiserate with him over how I feel about reading your story here...but your FI''s actions don''t deserve my Dh being burdened in his mind with this mess... I have been reading and watching the news over the missing pregnant gal from OH, tonight I found out she was dead and buried in a field and all I could think of was this thread.

DS, this is SERIOUS. Remember Laci Pederson? And now this Davis girl is dead. Not to mention Nicole Simpson and all the other women out there who have DIED at the hands of men who supposedly loved them and were abused. I don''t want to hear that your life ended in tragedy because you took this guy back again. I know that probably nothing that has been said here will get through to you, but dammit I will put forth my best effort and I don''t even know you!

When I was 19 I lived with a guy I barely knew for 4 months. I was in a state of rebellion, had been at college for a year and a half, couldn''t decide what I wanted to do so I dropped out, then met this guy through a friend. Moved in with him, and only 4 months later we got into an argument and he lost all sensability and got physically violent with me. First he overturned furniture in our apt., then he physically assaulted me and locked me out late at night and I was only wearing pjs in bare feet. The very next day I went to work with bruises everywhere but my face and told my boss I had to quit because I was moving back home. That ONE TIME was enough for me...even though the guy was very contrite the next day I knew in my heart I could not continue the relationship because I would never be able to look in the mirror and see myself as normal and alive again. It was one of the hardest things I''ve ever done, to leave like that. I called my family and my older bro came down two days later with a trailer and his biggest friend and a ball bat and got me the hell out of there.

You have teenage brothers. Do they know about this? Because in my neck of the woods my father and brother would not have tolerated this and not let it go with this guy just getting kicked out of the house. KNIM?

Ok, I''m done, sorry for the rant but I really feel from reading your posts that you are just not getting how much danger you could possibly be in. Until I see you post here that he is out of your life for good and you have taken action as far as your bank accounts and hopefully getting the police involved, I will really worry about you. I hope you are alright and post again soon to let us know that you''re ok.

 

[Pandora II]

DS, I'm going to differ from some of the posters above and tell you that I do have faith that you will leave.

That is because yesterday you did something I didn't do for years - you admitted it was happening to us and to your parents. That is a huge, huge step to have taken.

It will help to stop you going into denial. A man who is capable of physical abuse is always playing the mental abuse card twice as hard - you are going to find it very hard to walk away as you will have been conditioned to tolerate abuse for the last 6 years.

No one except my FI knows what happened to me 7 years ago - and now all of you - and none of my friends would ever believe that someone as controlling, as confident and as independent as I am could have been unable to walk straight out of a violent relationship.

I began to see it as a test for myself - this scared little boy who had never been truly loved was testing me to see if he could trust me not to leave him, and when I passed the test our life would be perfect for ever and ever.

In the end I asked him why he did it - the answer "Because I can, I mean I wouldn't hit M because she's a tiger - she'd go mad and call the police and half kill me in return; and I'd never hit F because it would just ruin her life for ever, but you, you're able to take it and I mean, you stay so you must be okay with it."

He was genuinely shocked when I told him just how much he had ruined my life.

Violent men don't look like monsters, they look like ordinary people and you can have normal, ordinary conversations and good times with them; but always under the surface there is the potential and the more you put up and the more you stay the worse it will get.

I see you saying that it wasn't that much of a bruise and it seems silly to throw away something after 6 years... If you had met this man two days ago you would probably have gone straight to the police if he had kicked you into a dresser. The size of the bruise is not important - trust me, do you want to have to go to work with a black eye and explain it away?

You need to start acknowledging that you have been "brainwashed" into thinking so little of yourself.

Once you are out, you will also need to learn how to be with men who are not toxic; it's not chance that leads so many women from one violent partner to another - the book I recommended is mainly about that. You must get help for yourself as soon as possible.

 

[onedrop]

At this point I can''t offer any advice different from what has already been posted. I just really hope you take heed to what has been said here. Seems like things are escalating with this guy and now you have been given the opportunity to make a clean break...please take it. Yes, it will be hard emotionally and financially to undo the intermingling of your lives and all of the wedding plans, but the reward on the other side will be much greater. There is no greater reward than safety and peace of mind. It''s also time to let your family and friends know what is really going on. You need all of their support right now. And above all else...TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

 

[door knob solitaire]

You have teenage brothers. Do they know about this? Because in my neck of the woods my father and brother would not have tolerated this and not let it go with this guy just getting kicked out of the house. KNIM?


This was Monarchs insightful addition...you are right, Monarch. My brother would have pegged the weasel to the wall. My brother was my first dragon slayer...his actions made me realize there was a great man, somewhere...out there, made just for me.

DKS

 

[whatmeworry]

DS,
Before you rationalize this unacceptable action, look at the title of your post..."Worst Day Ever"! You sear that memory into your head. You have the power within you to never let that happen to again. Ever!. Be strong!

 

[Alienor]

I have to say something. I don't want you to stay in the same circle i did for 2 years and half.
My ex boyfriend never hit me once but would throw away stuff at me or punch the wall one inch from my face. I never considered it hitting because i never had a bruise or a broken bone. It was a lot of mental abuse.
He would get mad, and there was no stopping him. Then later, i had to say sorry or he would get mad again for me not saying sorry to him.
After that, there was the honeymoon phase where he apologized for reacting the way he did, even though it wasn't his fault he got mad.
I never had an "i am sorry" in two years and half.

I know i was weak. My life was controlled by him. I had to behave a certain way in front of his friends or he would be mad at me when everybody would have left.
There was much more than that but i don't want to think of how much i suffered during that time.

Unless professional help is seeked, please do not stay with him. I know it is hard but it will not stop and things will get worse. There is NOTHING you can do that will break the cycle. It took me so long to realize.
It is NOT your fault. Nobody has an excuse/reason for treating someone for less than a dog.

Billion of hugs to you.

 

[Mandarine]

Oh boy....

I didn''t read all of the reposnes, but you need to be strong and leave him.

I was in a similar situation in my last relationship. He was never abusive and was (seemed to be) such a great guy!.

One night, he had taken Ambien...and had drank....and he was being lout and woke me up, I told him to shut up!. He then pushed me. I called the police, he was apologetic...he didn''t remember anything the next day. I read about Ambien and "temporary amnesia" was one of the problems. So I forgave him. We kept dating and then a couple months later when were in a bar and I talked to a guy I knew from work. He lost it, we started fighting in the bar. We left. Got in the car and I swear to God I was terrified. We stopped at my house and I told him to grab everything that belonged to him and leave. He kept looking at me like he wanted to strangle me. I was terrified, I just kept praying as he was grabbing his things. He grabbed my hand to give me my keys back and squeezed it so hard. As soon as he took the last of his things I closed the door, locked it and put my alarm on. He started screaming outside. I was TERRRIFIED, but IT WAS OVER. He never even came close to what you are describing, but he would have.

Nobody deserves this. You have to love yourself and respect yourself. He won''t...specially if he sees how easily you can forgive and forget.

You will meet someone again, starting over is not something to be scared about.

Take time for youself, go out with friends and repeat in your head "he is crazy, he is not worh it, I love myself more and may God help him and whoever he comes in contact with...but it won''t be me!".

Be strong girl, we''re all here for you!

M~

 

[Mandarine]

I agree 100% with Pandora''s post. When I finally left that BF I talked about, I told my entire family and friends the very next day. Why?...because I wanted them to know...I almost wanted everyone to know, just in case I became weak and tried to go back to him...I wanted an army behind me to stop me!.

Thankfully, I was never weak...and saying what he did out loud helped me see that I was so lucky and had thankfully made the right decision!.

Just know that you have an army behind you

M~

 

[oshinbreez]

Is your FI verbally or mentally abusive? Does he take little jabs at you to make you feel weak, unattractive, worthless, dumb, not good enough, scared, etc? Does he tell you how lucky you are to have him.....in a joking manner? He might not come out and say any of the above, but does he imply those things by other things he might say? Does he criticize you? All of these are some signs of an abuser. The mental abuse is far worse than the physical. Every physical abuser I''ve met has also been a mental abuser. Please, get away. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!

 

[pyramid]

Plain and simple - just cut him out of your life. Forever.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 6/24/2007 2:48:07 PM
Author: Mandarine
I agree 100% with Pandora''s post. When I finally left that BF I talked about, I told my entire family and friends the very next day. Why?...because I wanted them to know...I almost wanted everyone to know, just in case I became weak and tried to go back to him...I wanted an army behind me to stop me!.


Thankfully, I was never weak...and saying what he did out loud helped me see that I was so lucky and had thankfully made the right decision!.


Just know that you have an army behind you

M~

I think what Mandarine is sharing here is vital. You are so concerned with what people will think. Well, if I was your friend and I KNEW what this guy did, I''d be SO supportive to you. If I didn''t know what he did, how could I understand the situation clearly? I agree with Mandarine, you need to tell EVERYONE you know what he did, and ALL the times he''s done it, so they can fully understand the situation and support you. And may I say that I hope the reason you''re not posting now is because you''ve gone to get some counseling, be it via hotline or in person. We can support you, but we''re not trained counselors and you NEED a trained professional right now to assist you. Use you parent, friends and us to support your, but GET COUNSELING NOW! Because that will give you the coping skills to see what you''ve been putting up with and how to break that cycle.

 

[bravesfan]

I hope with all my heart that you will be smart and leave him. There is NO EXCUSE for this behavior. It doesnt matter if this isnt like him, how long you have been together, if you broke it off before, if you have joint accounts----NOTHING- ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SHOUD BE AN EXCUSE TO STAY WITH THIS MAN!!!!

Your relationship has changed because of this incident whether you like it or not and you now have to change your view points. YOU need to leave or this will not be the last post that is like this from you.

You are a smart woman and there is nothing out there that you could go through that is worse than being in an abusive relationship.

I wish you the best and hope that you do have the strength to leave. I will keep you in my prayers

 

[Aloros]

*hugs* I''m soooo sorry to hear you''re going through this. I know six years is a long time to spend with someone, but you''re young and you have so much time ahead of you. If it helps any, think of those six years as time you will never get back. It''s over, done with, and you can''t change it. But you have the choice, now, not to spend another year with a guy who doesn''t treat you right.

 

[NYCsparkle]

hugs....6 years is a long time, but not long if you think about spending a lifetime with someone. leave him for GOOD now, because he will NEVER change and it will only escalate. you are worth more than how he''s treating you. sorry just doesn''t cut it in this situation and neither do empty promises. take your $, sell the condo and take time for yourself and you will realize you are worth more than how he will ever be willing to treat you. better now than later--and what if next time you are more than bruised? thats how these women end up dead--by not trusting their better judgement and convincing themselves that it''ll never happen again. remember it gets easier to abuse someone once they''ve allowed you to do it once or twice. don''t end up a statistic---hugs

 

[Ellen]

DiamondSmitten, I'm so sorry to hear this happened.

You have received lots of wonderful, thoughtful advice, from a ton of people. And you know what, every one of them said the same thing, leave him. That many people can't be wrong.

I have been here, with someone before I met my hubby. We were living together, and it didn't start right away. It was shocking at first, and the incidents didn't happen very often either. I had never dealt with this type of thing before, and I too started to make excuses at first. Surely there must have been a reason, right? Wrong. There is NEVER a reason for a partner to be violent.

After the last episode I said to myself, Girl, you are NOBODY'S punching bag, period. I packed up all my things and moved home. End of story.


This truly is a blessing in disguise. You are so young, with your whole life ahead of you. Get this guy out of your life, recover, and then go live it.

 

[DiamondSmitten]

welll, I can''t say how much I appreciate all of you kind words, support and advice. I went out with my best friend last night and did my darndest to forget about how much im hurting , emotionally much more so than anytihng else. I was feeling good, and a smidge drunk. Unfortunately when I woke up today reality came crashing back in. I have had like 3 panic attacks, my brain keeps thinking about the times we were happy and safe and excited about our future and not the times he would screw up at work or mess up with money or not take care of himself or not communicate with me AT ALL. I keep thinking about how much of my bullshit he has put up with and how i would never find someone else who would. I keep thinking about how beautiful he thought I was even though I am a 24 year old with fricken acne still. and I, am no skinny lil thang like I was so there a whole self esteem issue there. I mean, do I think he might blow up again, probably, but it could just be throwing something at a wall, I can''t imagine he would permanently injure me. But at the same time this isn''t the only problem with our relationship so even if he gets therapy for anger and communication that doesn''t solve everything. I am not, I can''t continue this toxic relationship. I need a mature man who communicates like an adult, and works hard at whatever he does, and who motivates me rather then drag me know to their own laziness. I gotta say, I appreciate my friends who say DONT GO BACK, more than the ones that say I SUPPORT WHATEVER DEICISION U MAKE, or the ones who say, MAYBE AFTER HE GETS HELP..... because I REALLY need people to be strong on this. If someone gives me a way back, I don''t wanna fall into taking it. He hadn''t contacted me until today when he IM''d me and said this:

rachel, this isnt a please come back to me note, but i do have to say how unbelievable, incredibly, truely sorry i am for what i did. Its a mistake and a decision that i will have to live with for the rest of my life. There hasnt been once second since i did what i did that i did not regret it. i hope thats days, months, or years from now you can forgive me and see it as a moment of weakness and not the type of person i am, not how i would have ever wanted to treat you. It hurts so bad that this is how it ended. I always expected it to be me at my death bed with you at my side. im sorry and i wish it never happened.



I have heard it all before, how changed he was how mature he got, how he was working hard and taking care of his financials, taking care of himself etc etc. Well.... he did .... for like 2 months into when we got back togetrher.... then he fell right back into the same bullshit...... eating himself into gaining 30 plus pounds, not wanting to go to work, going in late, leaving early, not being responsible, bouncing checks, missing bill payments... I had to babysit his every move... and when I did that he woud yell at me for treating him like a child or being upset that more fricking checks were bounced. I HAVE to concentrate on that. I almost feel like even if another man never loves me, life would still be easier just having to take care of me rather than constantly babysit and take care of everything for a grown man.......

 

[neatfreak]

Good for you DS! I promise you are doing the right thing by leaving him.

And I don''t mean to be harsh, but YOU really need therapy as well. Not only to help get over this hardship, but to help build up your self esteem. You are a YOUNG, EDUCATED, SMART, BEAUTIFUL woman and he is NOT the only man you will ever find and NOT the only man who will ever love you. I promise you. You are a catch and any man would be lucky to have such a great person in his life.

Getting yourself some help during this time will really be crucial in helping you get out and stay out of this relationship.

We''re here for you if you need us and remember, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

 

[enbcfsobe]

DS -- I''m so glad to hear that you are headed in the right direction -- away from him!!
Reading what you described about how you feel brought back so many memories. Trust me -- you will find someone that is right for you. It may take some time, but it can and will happen. If you need any more support, encouragement, or backsliding-prevention, we are all here for you.

 

[onedrop]

DS: I am glad that you checked in with an update. Sounds like this latest incident was a real wake up call. It also sounds like (based upon your post) that you''ve come to some really great conclusions. For one, that you need strong people around you right now. Because there is always that temptation to go back even though you know you shouldn''t. You are strong for letting him go, but you also need support when you feel yourself slipping.

PS - I agree with neatfreak in that some therapy for you might be just what you need right now. If for no other reason than to decompress and unload everything you have been through in the last 6 years.

Be strong...

 

[DiamondSmitten]

UG! My mom keeps asking me "What does your gut tell you?" and it NEEDS TO STOP, my gut tells me I love him and genuinly don''t think it would ever get too serious to where I have a black eye or broken bones. My heart says tell him to get therapy and work it out...... she is NOT being the backbone I need right now

 

[diamondfan]

Diamond, you are rationalizing things. Do NOT let fear of being alone or worry about how to disentangle from him make you STAY. Those are not good reasons. I hate to sound morbid, but there are women who have been killed by men who think, "Maybe I am overreatcing" or "He is always sorry after" or "Maybe I made him angry..." There are NO excuses for someone getting violent with you. I would not care a whit about others opinions, I frankly think they would respect for you making a tough choice. And trust me, you are worth more. Your parents have seen this, and is this what you want to show any children you might have? Men like this only seem to get worse, I just think as tough as it is, you must protect yourself. Period, end of story. I know it is a scary task but you are worth it.

 

[Mandarine]

DS,

I'm glad you checked in!!!!. You are doing the right thing...and like I said, you have an army right here of concerned people telling you, LEAVE HIM.

Will it be hard?...yes, of course...but believe me, you will look back and wonder how you took it for so long...you will look back and feel proud of yourself.

You will become a more confident individual and realize that this is not about what your "gut" telsl you....this is about the best thing you can do for the most important person in your life: YOU.

Be strong, keep busy, get rid of all the things that remind you of him. This is a time for healing and re-building your self-confidence. We are all here for you girl. He does not deserve you. He needs help and do not be fooled, he will do this again....but you have the choice of whether he will do it to you. I believe you know the answer...actually, I think you KNOW that this isn't a question....or a choice. He won't do it to YOU again beacuse you won't let him...and the only person you can control in this world is yourself. You can't control him now or ever, but you can control your actions and you will be proud of them.

Hugs,

M~

 

[Independent Gal]

TELL YOUR MOM THAT YOUR HEAD IS SAYING NO NO NO! And that you need her to be your backbone right now. Tell her that you need her to help you stay strong and not back down.

Sometimes mothers want us to feel they''ll support us no matter what, so she may not know that this is not what you need right now. So you TELL HER!

SERIOUSLY. You shouldn''t even THINK about taking him back. No WAY!

And he will not be the only man who ever loves you. When you find truly the right one, you won''t believe you almost settled for him. I promise!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

DS, I''m so happy you decided to end this relationship. I truly hope you stick to your guns because this guy does not deserve you, and he''ll never be able to hurt you if he''s out of your life. I''m a bit surprised at your mom''s reaction. If anyone shoved me into a wall and cracked my head on a tv in my parents'' house that poor soul would not have been able to walk out of the house. She needs to support your decision instead of asking you to ''go with your gut'' although I hope your gut is telling you to not look back. I agree that seeing a counselor or a group would help you sort through your feelings and process what''s happening. You are doing the right thing, you will find someone who loves you, and your life will be so much better for it. You shouldn''t need to take care of your boyfriend because he shouldn''t be acting like a child. You''ll find the right MAN for you very soon. Good luck!

 

[surfgirl]

I agree with IG totally. TELL your mom you NEED her to be your backbone, point blank. "Mom, I need you to keep telling me why I should never be with X or someone like X ever again. Do NOT tell me it's up to me!" Also, I'm still miffed, quite frankly, that you've not even called an abuse hotline. To me, that says alot. Get on the phone and CALL. NOW. Not next week when it seems not so bad. Call NOW. And you should take this last paragraph you wrote and print it out really huge and post it on your wall:

"I have heard it all before, how changed he was how mature he got, how he was working hard and taking care of his financials, taking care of himself etc etc. Well.... he did .... for like 2 months into when we got back togetrher.... then he fell right back into the same bullshit...... eating himself into gaining 30 plus pounds, not wanting to go to work, going in late, leaving early, not being responsible, bouncing checks, missing bill payments... I had to babysit his every move... and when I did that he woud yell at me for treating him like a child or being upset that more fricking checks were bounced. I HAVE to concentrate on that. I almost feel like even if another man never loves me, life would still be easier just having to take care of me rather than constantly babysit and take care of everything for a grown man......."

Even without the physical abuse, this guy is a freaking LOSER. I would encourage you to:

1. Call a hotline after you read this post! Get the ball rolling with talking to a trained professional who is used to dealing with women in your situation. Ask them for a local referral to a counselor.

2. After you make that call, go with your father and brothers or some male friends, to the bank and use your ATM card to remove the portion of money in shared accounts that belongs to you.

3. Tomorrow morning, first thing, call your regular doctor and ask for a reference to a good counselor. Explain what happened to your doctor and they can better refer you. Or if you're a student, go to the health center. Or if you have a job, go to your HR director and ask if they can refer you. It's confidential.

4. Do NOT communicate with this guy again. At all. Not by IM, phone, or email. I fear you already have and that would be a mistake because it allows him to start creeping back into your life. You're done. He screwed up royally and there is no going back. So there is no need to speak to him right now. It's too dangerous for you. And one last thing...if you think you'll never get really "seriously" injured with this guy, you are living in a very dangerous fantasy land.

5. Do not hang out with friends who say "I'll support you no matter what you decide" (assuming you told them he's abusive). Only surround yourself with people who will support you to stay away from this guy.

 

[Haven]

DS--I am so proud of you for coming on to PS and reading these very difficult things that we have all been writing. I know it must be terribly difficult to be in your position right now, and to imagine the life you had planned being no longer--but it sounds like you understand that whatever shiny happy visions you had of your life with this man are not what your reality will truly look like.

Thank you for sharing so much in your last post. Please do not let self-doubt creep into your mind and scare you into staying with this man for the wrong reasons. No matter how bleak it looks from your current point of view, there are loads of wonderful, loving, caring men out there waiting to meet someone like you.

I ended a five year relationship several years ago, and trust me, I understand how difficult it is to walk away. He was not abusive, but he was just wrong for me and we had our own issues. When I was painfully honest with myself, I realized I knew it all along. The hardest thing about the entire ordeal was that my friends and loved ones only fessed up to how relieved they were that I ended things AFTER I actually broke it off. Like you, I really could have used their insight to help me face the facts and move on with my life. I''m so glad you shared your story here so you can hear from so many wonderful people that YOU MUST LEAVE THIS MAN.

Good luck, DS, and focus on yourself and what you need, want, and deserve. We''re all here for you!

 

[door knob solitaire]

Can someone advise her on the procedure to close the accounts...if she only removes half the money...then he can write checks (and we know about his checking skillls) and she will still be responsible for what ever expenses he incurs as the account is still in dual ownership.

If the account is in bob and susan you both have to close it. If it is set up as a bob OR susan you can remove yourself...I think...but then again I have to be wrong.

The bank is not going to be very cooperative as they don''t know what SHE has out...they can''t just put everything in his lap either. Hmmm...

Any attorneys or bankers with advice? Best future advice I have...is don''t comingle finaces until you are co....mingled by marriage. Hope I don''t offend those who are...but you must think of all aspects in doing so. At least they don''t have a mortgage.

If one removes EVERYTHING...doesn''t that in itself close an account? Then a check or cashiers check exchange to him giving him his share of the funds...but again...what if he has a check out and it comes in to a closed account. You could be legally responsible for the damage you cause him...it would be $$$ to defend...as it is all in records. I just don''t have an answer for her. Please consult a professional...this is quite important to get right.

DKS

 

[Gothgrrl]

Stay stong. There are a lot of help lines out there.

 

[Gothgrrl]

Oshinbreez....my heart goes out to you. That was amazing that your friends helped you. I now know that when there are days where I feel blue, I know there are people out there who had it worse than me. We are survivors.

 

[D2B]

I couldnt read this and not reply. If you are in any way shape or form contemplating having children with this person, then you must get out. You cannot subject your future children to growing up with a father who is an abuser, and yes, it will escalate as the years go on, that is the nature of abuse. And yes, what he did to you is abuse. You must get out now, you are still lucky, imagine 3-6 years down the track when one day he snaps at a grummpy toddler, or at you and your children witness this. It is irresponsible to stay with him, knowing what you know. It is not normal to loose your temper like this. You need to send him a signal that this is not acceptable. By leaving he might be spurred on to get help and counselling. This is not the first time and will not be the last time. If you choose to stay, you are an adult and take the risk, but do not contemplate children with a man like this. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I am concerned for you and where this is heading.

Good luck and use the support of your parents/friends to help you.