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worst day ever

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Listening to you describe yourself made me feel really sad. You feel that you don't deserve anything better than this man. I think you are of the mind that you won't get anyone who is decent and who will look after you properly. That is totally not the truth. Its typical of women in your position to have low self esteem. Bullying and abuse will make you look inward and you will feel that you are deserving of the treatment or that you are the cause of it.

Please don't believe this!! Its so important for you to get some counselling now. You need to step back and look at your life and decide what you want. You are worth so much more than this person is giving you.

There is never a reason for a man to hit a woman. Don't allow this to continue. I know its going to be difficult but you must cut all contact with him. Don't be tempted to feel sorry for him - of course he is apologetic - he wants you back because he knows he can't get anyone else to put up with his moods and temper.

Move on with your life. Let him go and get help if thats what he wants. I promise you its going to be ok. You will feel so much more stronger - it won't take long for you to settle into a new routine which doesn't involve him.

Spend some time with your friends and family. Take time to grieve for this relationship - its ok to feel sad about whats happened. Don't feel that you need to have a man in your life for a while. Its going to take a while for you to change your opinion of yourself. When you are happier with in your own skin then think about a new relationship. You are young - go out and have some fun!

Let us support you. There is always someone around and we want to help.
 
DS --

I''m glad you checked back in! Do tell you mom you want her to help you be strong & not have any further contact with The Abuser. BUT -- very well-meaning people sometimes just don''t know what to say or do. Most times "Go with your gut" would be good advice. Here -- you''ve just got to listen to you HEAD & to the people who KNOW BETTER ALREADY. That''s why a hotline or a counselor is better than the wishy-washy friends & family. THEY have the experience to KNOW and stay FIRM on why you should leave. People who haven''t been through it kinda feel like you - they remember the good times, the hope he''d go to counseling & be all better because they''d like to see you happy SOONER rather than LATER. STAY TOUGH no matter what anyone else says. Do it for YOU.

This is a kind of weird analogy & some might say it doesn''t work but --- Would you stay at a job where your boss cornerned you against a wall, or threw things at you, or kicked you into a copy machine? Would you think you''d been at that job six years, so you couldn''t find another one? Or would you walk out and never look back --thinking, man, I''m so glad to be outta there!

This is a guy you''ve been with since you were SEVENTEEN years old ... you don''t realize you can do way, way better because you haven''t dated in six years! He''s your whole adult experience of relationships! TRUST US -- there are MATURE, CARING, AMBITIOUS, GENEROUS, LOVING men out there ... men who would make AMAZING fathers and that you wouldn''t have to walk on eggshells around for your WHOLE LIFE!!!!

By going to graduate school you took a leap of faith ... a risk to better your own future. This may seem like a similar leap of faith now ... bet on YOURSELF!

Best of luck,
Deco
 
DS,

I''m really glad that you checked back in with us. I''m so proud of you for being so strong. I remember how hard it was to leave my last relationship after I realized that it just wasn''t right and I didn''t even have to deal with the abuse factor which I''m sure makes it a million times harder.

You''re doing so well and we''re all here for you to be your back bone.

*hugs*
 
When he said "that was me in a moment of weakness, not who I really am...." that got me because in my experience, who people are when they are weak, angry, sad and hurt is probably the greatest reflection of their inner self. If you can hold it together when everything else is falling apart, that makes you a strong person. Being a strong person only when everything is fine is not a strong person. He may never see that, but you don''t have to tolerate it. You need a partner that can be loving and supportive even after 4 days of no sleep, with no money and no roof over your head... and hope you never have to go through that.
 
DS -

I''m chiming in late, but have been following this all weekend. First let me say that I am sooo sorry that you are having to go through this... No one deserves the kind of treatment you have received, and I must say that you KNOW deep down that it was wrong.. and you KNOW deep down what you SHOULD and NEED to do... otherwise, you wouldnt have brought it up to all of us here on PS.

From what I am seeing in the large amount of responses you have received, is that many of us (yes, us.. myself included) have been the victim of some sort of abuse in the past... we are all trying to tell you that it is of the utmost importance that you help YOURSELF now, rather than later. Please do not take this advice lightly, as clearly it is all coming from very explicit experiences.

You mentioned that you are afraid to "start over." Honey, you are NOT.. repeat NOT starting over by leaving this monster... You are young.. and you are continuing on this journey that is called LIFE... you are young, educated and hold the world in the palm of your hand... how is that "starting over?" You are walking the path of life.. and nothing about that screams "I''m at the beginning!!" The choices you make today... i.e. leaving this monster, help you to CONTINUE your life, your journey, which unfortunately CANNOT, repeat CANNOT be done in an abusive relationship. If anything... continuing your life in this relationship ensures that you are starting over every single day... starting over every morning in fear that your life and very well being may be in danger... starting OVER every single night when you lay your head on your pillow in FEAR that this person that you used to trust and love may wake up with some vendetta against you. Starting over after every new bruise (big or small) Starting over with explanations after every new injury... Do you see where I am going with this? You are NOT starting over by leaving him... You are choosing to CONTINUE your life.
Take a minute and say that again:
YOU ARE CHOOSING TO CONTINUE YOUR LIFE... again... YOU ARE CHOOSING TO CONTINUE YOUR LIFE...

Let me just add one more point. I know that I live my life with consideration for other people. I almost always put family and loved ones before myself. You my dear friend are a part of a new family... the family of battered women that have recovered, are in the process of recovering or have not yet made the decision to chose their LIFE over the beaten existance that they currently know...Your story and what you chose to do about it, can inspire and HELP many women who need the courage and support to leave the monsters who are RUINING their lives. So.. if you are like me.. and put others first, which we can all see that you do.... Inspire, give courage and support to other women who NEED to hear survival stories like yours... make the right choice in saving your life and HELP THEM and SAVE them.. and in the process you will HELP YOURSELF.

Hugs to you... please stay strong... we are here for you!
 
Today is ROUGH.... I cried ALOT last night.... everytime I woke up and he wasn''t there i felt more pain than I can describe in my chest and stomach and I just cried..... THere is an overwhelming sence of loss at this point. I told my parents I can''t be there when he comes to get his stuff etc.... B/C i''ll just lose it if I see him. I deleted all his texts, his name from my phone, even his pictures from my screensaver at work. I am going to seek some counseling b/c I feel like that is never a bad idea. I am still not at that place where I can call him a batterer or my attacker so maybe counseling will help me cement that. I know I have a history of being "fixer".... tend to be drawn to people who "need my help" etc and his parents did a piss poor job of preparing him for the real world so he was my "project" for many years. Even when we started dating I was 17 and a HS senior and he was 20 and a college dropout from drug use and never going to class. I was more mature and determined. I need to get out of that pattern. I need someone that doesn''t need to be pushed to succeed AT AL TIMES. and who chooses to motivate me. For the most part people have been supportive... very "you can do better than him" and I appreciate that. A male friend of mine is taking me out for a nice dinner tonight to cheer me up and he has been a great shoulder to cry on this whole weekend. (NOTE: he is involved with someone this is not the "rebound" dude.... but he wants to show me girls should be treated well. This is going to be a dat by day thing for sure.....
 
i commend you on taking these steps to a healthier place. there is light at the end of the tunnel & a fabulous guy waiting for you, even if you can''t see that now.

i''ve never been in your position regarding abuse... but i was in a 4 year realtionship. when it ended i was beyond devastated. i didn''t know how i''d move on b/c he was all i knew for so long. we had been through SO much together, but we just weren''t right for each other. i wanted it to work so badly even though i knew better in my heart. fastforward and i''m HAPPILY married to a WONDERFUL gentlemen who makes me happier than i could have ever imagined. and it''s so effortless.

if someone told me back then this is where i''d be i wouldn''t have believed them. but it WILL happen. believe in yourself. rebuild your self-esteem. value yourself so that someone else can too. happiness is waiting for you.
 
GOOD GIRL!!! It''s hard, but I''m so proud of you for sticking with this and making such good decisions. Therapy, staying away from your ex, deleting his number and texts...these are all great choices. Strong choices. And that''s what you are: strong.

It''s also great to have a good guy friend willing to show you how you should be treated. Watch not only the way he treats you, but the way he treats his gf...respect between SOs is great to watch.

As somebody who''s gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago, I can tell you that it gets so much better. Haha, now my friends all look at my current relationship and say, "Princesss, your relationship is SO HEALTHY." I promise, you''ll get there and it''ll feel amazing!
 
Yay!!!

You are doing great. We''re proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy your dinner and know that you are taking all the right steps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Big hugs,

M~
 
Date: 6/25/2007 12:32:56 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
I deleted all his texts, his name from my phone, even his pictures from my screensaver at work. I am going to seek some counseling b/c I feel like that is never a bad idea.
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*** HUGS ***
You are doing the right thing I SWEAR! Especially by seeking some outside pro help for yourself. It will benefit you in SO MANY WAYS -- and will, just like school, teach you such valuable skills that you can fall back on for the rest of your whole life. I wish everyone knew how much even a short period of treatment with a good clinial social worker or therapist can change your life for the better!!!

When you recount the trajectory of your relationship I''m so reminded of my sister''s first serious boyfriend (also a 6-7 yr relationship) ... even WITHOUT the anger/abuse situation - she ultimately left him because of the "ambition" issue. She was paying for most everything, he was lazy, unmotivated, had to be babysat, tiptoed around. She believed she deserved more than that -- as she was BRINGING more than that into the relationship. Kicking him out meant some financial hardships (she had to pay for the whole apt herself) -- she racked up credit card debt for awhile but it was worth it ... she ended up going back to grad school, mixing & mingling with a TOTALLY different type of guy & is now married to a very successful MBA grad with a gorgeous baby boy in a huge glam house. The old boyfriend? Still doing nowhere jobs & living in an apt w/ a roomate five years later. Hope the story gives you a little glimpse of what could be in your own life! If you truly SEEK MORE. (Not just wealth -- I mean STABILITY, MATURITY ... which often just happens to work in tandem with greater career prospects)
 
You are doing the right thing!!!! You go girl!!!

And seeking counseling will really really help you through this. I would contact a local domestic abuse shelter and ask for a recommendation. I bet they can refer you to someone who is very experienced in this area.

STAY STRONG we''re rooting for you!!!
 
Deco.... You story about ur sister helps ALOT..... any motivational stories in that direction make me feel a smidge better!
 
That's a great story deco!

DS, you did good! Deleting those things is a huge step in the right direction. And yes, you MUST seek counseling. When you say, "I am still not at that place where I can call him a batterer or my attacker so maybe counseling will help me cement that." You are right, you need counseling so that you can SEE and more importantly, ACCEPT, that your situation was not one to be tolerated. You're going to get sick and tired of me saying this, but I'm going to say it EVERYDAY until you come back here and say, "surfgirl, I talked to someone today. I established a relationship with a counselor and I have another appointment to go back and see them." You say you're hurting and I think that talking to a professional will not only put you on the track to wellness, it will probably FEEL GOOD to talk to someone who's trained to deal with these situations. GO. Today! You've accomplished some huge things today. Keep moving forward.
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ETA: Dont forget to take care of your banking issues today!
 
DS

just wanted to chime in. I''m so sorry you''re going through this.
Your decision is right and to be commended.

Stay strong for the many woman who aren''t.
 
Date: 6/25/2007 1:03:30 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
Deco.... You story about ur sister helps ALOT.....
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GOOD!!! I remember SO clearly, like it was YESTERDAY, sitting on her balcony, crying with her as she wondered if she did the right thing, if she''d ever feel that way about someone else, whether she was being "shallow", or whether he was really "the best she could do". It wasn''t an easy decision at the time -- there wasn''t a single blow up moment to point to & hang on to as "a reason". Somewhere down deep she just knew there was more, better, different. "The One" wasn''t the very next guy she dated ... maybe #3? But the fact that it feels like YESTERDAY to me shows how quickly things can turnaround. And have a whole new life & a whole new outlook & all new prospects & be living your dreams. Another fun fact: once she met her husband, her "look" toned down a lot -- it''s like she finally realized that someone would love her just for her ... not a "dolled up" version of herself ... but the natural (acne & all) her.

I''m very proud of her & thrilled at how close her life is now to the one she dared to dream of!
 
DS, I haven't posted, but I've followed this thread. My heart goes out to you, and although I've never been in a violent relationship, I was raised in one. My parents stayed together for many years- just for the kids. They made sure we knew that. My mom was a drinker, and my dad was a man who couldn't resist a chance to insult her while she was drunk. After being literally in the middle of this relationship, I'm a "fixer". I have done so many things to try to prevent a fight between them, from standing in front of her so she wouldn't get hurt, to breaking a glass in order to cut my hand, thus resulting in the attention being off them and onto me- "Amber broke something else." I moved out when I was 24, and it took me so long because I was afraid they'd kill each other, I am not exaggerating here. I came home many times to find the cops had been called or the phone ripped out of the wall, too many things to name. No one knew about this, no one suspected, because my parents weren't like this anywhere else. My dad, I love him, he's never been anything but good to me. My mom, she was raised that way and knows nothing else. It's depressing, but this is how it is.

I still make excuses for them, but DS, for the sake of any children you may have had with him, don't take him back. You deserve better than a life of excuses and a life of wondering what will set him off again. Do it for yourself and the children you'll have with a better man who deserves you. You're still young and obviously strong and smart. Please continue that, know that we are here for you and will help in any way possible.
 
DS,
I hardly post in the Brides section but want to commend you on your strength for taking the first step towards being a strong beautiful woman. It's never right to hit another human being (young or old, male or female) no matter the reason. Your heart thinks you still love him, but in reality, he has twisted your thinking. I am glad that you are going to counseling: the most important thing now is to learn to love yourself. To improve your self esteem, mentally and physically, your mind and your body. Surround yourself with family and friends who love you unconditionally and will support you. Have you taken care of the joint accounts? Please cancel all joint credit cards, accounts, etc ASAP!
 
DS,

I''m chiming in very late but I''m so sorry about everything that''s happened. Reading your story I was reminded of my best friend who recently confessed to me the real reason behind her parents'' divorce: physical abuse. Her father started beating her mother right after their marriage, and she kept telling herself everything that you''re sharing with us. He continued to beat her whenever things weren''t going his way, and he even hit her when she was pregnant!

Now, 28 years later, she finally found the courage to leave him. And she told my best friend (her daughter) that the only thing she regrets is that she didn''t do it sooner.

Believe me, belive ALL OF US, when we tell you that you''re doing the right thing by leaving him. We are behind you 100%, and don''t hesitate to seek out help, whether through support groups, organizations, friends, family, us! I''ll keep you in my prayers.
 
You totally, 100% did the right thing...there was no other option...you will move on and you will be fine (with time). You should be really proud of yourself...
 
I also am coming in a little late here. You are a very strong person and I am very proud of you for taking yourself out of a horrible situation. I was in a realtionship for many years with someone who abused me as well. I tend to be like you in the sense that you can "help" and "fix" people. Unfortuantely, you can''t. There''s nothing that you can say or do to help them. You have to realize that you are doing the right thing. Eventually after putting up with so much, you become a doormat. I was made to believe that everything in the world was my fault and I apologized for everything. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. Don''t doubt yourself for a single second. You are smart, beautiful, and have EVERYTHING going for you. You don''t need this horrible relationship to drag you down!!!! You will pick yourself up, slowly, but everything ALWAYS works out. Never doubt that, never doubt yourself. I know how much it hurts, I have been there before, but you can do it! You have the whole world in front of you. I know this may sound cliche, but you and I are the same age, there is definite oppurtunity to do whatever you want! Good luck! We are all here for you; remember that! ***HUGS***
 
Very proud of you DS!!! Seeking out counseling will be a huge help to you. You are doing the right thing, for sure. Keep it up!!! We are here for you!!
 
DS -

I''ve been following this thread all weekend, and I just wanted to let you know that my heart breaks for you. I know this is so difficult, but know that this is absolutely the right thing to do. Seeking counseling... surrounding yourself with your support system, including us!!! (I refer to this as circling your wagons)... deleting his name, number, everything that reminds you of him or would make it easier for you to get in touch with him... all of these things are the perfect first steps. But brace yourself -- it gets harder before it gets better. But when it gets better, it''ll be 1000 times better than the best you''ve known with him.

I, like so many of the strong women here, suffered years of mental abuse from a man that I loved. He abandoned me in every way possible. The most obvious example of this was when he suggested that we move to another state to "start over". I was happy to make the move because it felt like we were moving forward. I immediately was able to get a transfer with my firm, and we agreed that I would go first to get things started there and that he would clean things up where we were leaving. I couple of months into the new place, I discovered that I had a small tumor in my brain and that I would need radiation to treat it. But with all the abuse I had received, the only thing I could think of was how to make things easier for him to make the move to be with me. Well, you can guess the rest... right before I was to start radiation therapy, he told me that he couldn''t be there for me the way I needed him to be. He said he never promised to move, and that I made the move for myself. He left me when I was at my absolute lowest. The worst part, though... I took him back after 10 months!!! Everything was fine at first, but we quickly fell back into the same habits. It took another couple of years before I had the strength the leave.

DS, when I finally had the resolve to leave, I did all the things you did. I also thought that I would never find anyone as good as him to "love" me. I was 37 at the time I left and knew that I would end up alone, but I finally convinced myself that being alone was better than being tortured. I cried all the time and never thought that I would get through it, it was the most desperate I''ve ever felt in my life.

Fast forward to today... I''m just about to turn 42, and I am the happiest I have ever been. I married a man that was beyond anything I could dream. When he proposed, he told me that I was his treasure and promised he would do something every day to deserve me. He has stayed true to that promise.

What I want to convey is that YOU also are a treasure of immeasurable value. You will find someone who treats you with respect, dignity and real love. But first you MUST get through this time... take this time to build yourself up again and realize how fantastic you are. You deserve only the best that life has to offer, your EX-fiance is not the best, he''s far from it. Time will make you realize this.

Stay strong, chin up! But also cry your eyes out and circle your wagons when you need to! This will pass and on the other side life is waiting to lavish you with gifts beyond your dreams!
 

I was gone for the weekend and just now found the thread...I''m not sure what all EXACTLY has been said but I skimmed over it...

I''m studying to be a youth minister, but have a strong passion for counseling. Abuse is not something to be taken lightly. My wife''s old babysitter was a victim of an abusive husband. I will spare the details, but he is now sitting in a prison cell facing life in prison, while his wife is in a cemetery. Please seek help and do not give this scum bag a second chance. If I were you I would not give him another chance unless he seeks counseling and the counselor deems it ok.
 
Diamond, I am praying and cheering for you! You deserve the best; I am so proud you are getting outside help. Keep checking in because we are here for you! HUGS.
 
DS, just wanted to cheer you on. I think you can see from our posts that we are all 100% behind you here, and that the feelings you describe are completely normal. I think I speak for many of us that your description of the stages and feelings you are going through bring up difficult memories, but memories that each of us -- even those who were not abused -- feel proud having been through and overcome. We are proud of you, too.
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(More cheering for DS)
 
Date: 6/23/2007 4:13:18 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
i can''t help but think maybe i am/was over reacting..... my leg isn''t even bruising the way I thought it would...... i mean ending a 6 year relationship after this one incident seems a bit dramatic..... but also what if it was worse.... i mean this was because i unplugged the tv..... what if I actually did something worth getting mad about.... im sure u can see my brain is all over the place
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if my boyfriend, let alone my fiance, ever laid a hand on me, I would end that relationship so fast it would make your head spin.

what has happened is TERRIBLE. you are not over-reacting in any way.

as for getting back out into the dating market--before would do any such thing, I hope you would take some time and get some counseling to see why you stayed with someone who abused you, and so you can learn the warning signs for the future. the future can ONLY bring you better things than what you have now.

I sound stern, but this is a serious situation that I''ve seen play out before with horrific results. please take care of yourself.
 
honey i am so proud of you. i was in an abusive relationship before dh and i got together and it was a major blow to my esteem and self-worth. it was terrible and it started so innocently.

one day we got in an argument and i went upstairs (at my parents house) yelling and screaming, he grabbed my arm so hard i lost my balance and hit my head. i convinced myself that it was just because he wanted me to come downstairs and i was being stubborn, so he grabbed my arm. and honestly, he didn''t mean to make me fall right? sure
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then it turned into him getting depressed and unmotivated and every time i would get an advancement at work or do well in school (this was college), he would get angry and make disparaging remarks. i would just think it''s because he was angry. when i started having to take care of him because he couldn''t take care of himself, it got worse.

i broke it off with him but was still stupid enough to have contact with him. i started seeing someone else and he found out. he was so upset and made me feel guilty for "doing this to him." i took him back and when i went to his house to see him, he raped me while smashing my head into the headboard and screaming at me. he told me i deserved it and honestly, because he had broken me down little by little for so long, i actually believed him.

and this guy was "nice." he was nice to my parents, nice to everyone else. he would buy me roses and send me cute pictures to brighten my day. he was just a torpedo though. he''d get angry and plow right through everything. me first.

he blamed his anger and one day i''d had enough and i blamed it on him. i got my brother involved as a sort of personal body guard :-) (tall intimidating brothers are awesome). i''m glad that you have others around you.

i''m so proud of you for leaving. it would have only gotten worse and honestly it might have gotten to a point where it became "normal" to you. and that''s the worst. stay strong. i have so much faith in you. :-)
 
Very late on this topic, but I just wanted to tell you that my heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. You are facing one of the toughest moments in your life right now but at least you are safe now. As everyone else has said, this is not a healthy relationship and no matter how much he begs and aplogizes what he did is inexcusable. You deserve much better and the sooner you leave this guy, the sooner you can find someone who REALLY deserves to call you their fiance.
 
I already commented, but I wanted to point out that you have so many stores in this thread of women coming out of very similar abusive relationships who have survived, thrived and found loving relationships. All of them probably at some point felt like you, but after taking the time to heal, they were able to rise above the negativity. So whenever you start to feel like you will never find a man who deserves you, just come back and read the very positive experiences in this thread.

And I am moved to say that PS is a very, very positive and supportive forum. The outpouring of support for other members is just amazing. I belong to other forums that are nowhere near as supportive as PS, even when someone is dealing with an issue like this one.
 
Date: 6/25/2007 4:15:51 PM
Author: DMBsGirl
Very late on this topic, but I just wanted to tell you that my heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. You are facing one of the toughest moments in your life right now but at least you are safe now. As everyone else has said, this is not a healthy relationship and no matter how much he begs and aplogizes what he did is inexcusable. You deserve much better and the sooner you leave this guy, the sooner you can find someone who REALLY deserves to call you their fiance.
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I''ve been reading this thread but I wasn''t sure what to say that hadn''t already been said. I agree with DMBsGirl. It sounds like you have a lot of people thinking of you at this difficult time, both here and in your day to day life. I''m glad to hear that you''re safe and with caring family members.
 
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