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worst day ever

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Date: 6/26/2007 1:05:23 AM
Author: diamondfan

I hate to say this but guys like this do not spontaneously get better.

he knew it would make me feel like I had to prove him wrong.
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This is very common for abusive men. A way of manipulating you into staying with them. DS, I''m so happy you''re putting yourself first and you told your parents that you will not be responsible for him. I hope your mom stops communicating with him. If a guy even looked at me the wrong way my parents would never consider speaking with him, let along allowing him in their house, unless it was to give him a piece of their mind (if you know what I mean). I hope your parents can support you in the way you need to be supported right now. Day by day is right...take it slowly and you will survive this. Good luck!
 
DS, please, please order a copy of the book I recommended:

Women who Love Too Much

It is entirely about women who are "fixers", with low selfesteem and in search of poor, lost little "projects". I promise you it will help you to stay strong. Everytime I felt my willpower quaver I read it again and got angry again and stayed safe.

It is a great "reinforcer". If you mother is being manipulated this way you need even more support from other sources.
 
A current domestic violence horror story to forward to your mom if you wish...

Wrestler Chris Benoit Murders Wife & Son, Kills Self. What I thought was so chilling about this story, beyond the murder of a 7 year old ... was that the wife had left him after he *threatened* violence, back in 2003, three years after they were married.

"On May 12, 2003, the same day the divorce and protective order petitions were submitted, a judge issued a restraining order against the wrestler and barred him from the family home.

On Aug. 19, 2003, Nancy Benoit filed to have the divorce and protective petitions dismissed, and both were."

They *almost* got out alive. But she was talked back into it.
 
Date: 6/26/2007 5:57:20 PM
Author: decodelighted
A current domestic violence horror story to forward to your mom if you wish...


Wrestler Chris Benoit Murders Wife & Son, Kills Self. What I thought was so chilling about this story, beyond the murder of a 7 year old ... was that the wife had left him after he *threatened* violence, back in 2003, three years after they were married.


''On May 12, 2003, the same day the divorce and protective order petitions were submitted, a judge issued a restraining order against the wrestler and barred him from the family home.


On Aug. 19, 2003, Nancy Benoit filed to have the divorce and protective petitions dismissed, and both were.''


They *almost* got out alive. But she was talked back into it.
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This is absolutely horrific!!!!!!!!!

I commend you for taking the right steps forward to prevent something like this from happening to you in the future.
 
I hope you''re doing well, DS, and I hope you''ve made plans to see a therapist! Keep being strong!
 
DS, I think you are handling this SO well! It takes a lot of strength and courage to leave an abusive relationship. I think that you see things very clearly and am glad you''re not allowing others to impact your decision.
I am so sorry you''re having to go through this but am extremely glad you''ve made great decisions!
I am sorry that your mother isn''t providing you with the support that you need but it''s great that you''re able to say to her that you''re not willing to help him. That isn''t your job. He isn''t your child.
You have to help YOU first and that is what you are doing. Allowing him back into your life does not help you first in any way, in fact, it jeopardizes your emotional and physical health.
I''m proud of you!!
I had an incident once where I was attacked by my then boyfriend who I thought was one of my closest friends. It was horrible and is still difficult for me. But I remember that incident as clear as it was yesterday (although it was quite a few years back). I remember being hit. I remember having the police come, and I remember having to go to the hospital. Then, I remember having my son see me and telling him I had an accident b/c I was so badly bruised and he couldn''t understand why he could barely recognize me. Luckily, he has no memory of that. I remember being scared for months and having to move out of MY home b/c I couldn''t bare to live there.
Those are the things that kept me from ever speaking to him again. From not allowing myself to fall into the trap of helping him instead of helping me.
You deserve so much better. Every one of us deserves so much better and I am so sorry for every one of us that has experienced this sort of pain.. the physical and emotional.
You deserve better!
I really, truly applaud you for taking the right steps. Could you stay anywhere else for a little while until your mom is able to grasp the severity of this situation?

Take care of yourself!
 
DS, I am sorry you are going through this. I can''t imagine all the turmoil you are going through right now.

But I have to ask...is it wise to air all this stuff on a public forum? I hope you aren''t using his real name. You do realize you have a picture of you two up on this site?
 
Date: 6/27/2007 4:40:12 PM
Author: TravelingGal
DS, I am sorry you are going through this. I can''t imagine all the turmoil you are going through right now.

But I have to ask...is it wise to air all this stuff on a public forum? I hope you aren''t using his real name. You do realize you have a picture of you two up on this site?
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I understand your concern, but domestic abuse should not be something that has to be kept secret, or even private. That is the exact mentality that led to legislators, police, and the courts ignoring it as a crime for hundreds of years.
 
Date: 6/27/2007 4:55:09 PM
Author: enbcfsobe

Date: 6/27/2007 4:40:12 PM
Author: TravelingGal
DS, I am sorry you are going through this. I can''t imagine all the turmoil you are going through right now.

But I have to ask...is it wise to air all this stuff on a public forum? I hope you aren''t using his real name. You do realize you have a picture of you two up on this site?
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I understand your concern, but domestic abuse should not be something that has to be kept secret, or even private. That is the exact mentality that led to legislators, police, and the courts ignoring it as a crime for hundreds of years.
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Who said anything about keeping it secret or private? It can be recognized as a crime without plastering it all over the Internet, IMHO.

I don''t want to get into a debate over what I said. It''s important to keep offering support. I just wanted to throw in some food for thought in case DS wasn''t aware of how much information she has on PS.
 
Date: 6/23/2007 4:35:57 PM
Author: DiamondSmitten
OMG sooo much to do....... undoing of all the joint accounts... splitting the money..... i wanna vomit just thinking of it all
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It''s not as hard as it looks from where you stand right now. It''s just one step at a time. I left my fiancee five years ago (he was emotionally abusive), and there was a lot of doing that needed undoing. The first step is to make up your mind that you are FINISHED WITH THIS. From there, it''s almost mechanical. Give that ring back, undo those accounts, walk away. You''ll feel so great when you''re finished. I''m happy that you have your parents so close, I can''t say the same for myself. You can do it. I know you can because I did, and there''s nothing overly strong or fancy about me, that''s for sure.
 
DS,

here''s the reality: abuse is cyclic. hypothetically, you have his kid(s), he abuses you and you turn around and abuse your kids. that would make you an abuser too! so as you ponder getting on this merrygoround for another ride, ask yourself this: do you want to perpetuate the cycle? do you want to become an abuser?

about the few things you have shared regarding your physical appearance: ACNE it''s genetic, and aside from going to the dermy or taking certain BC pills, you can''t do a damn thing about it. it''s a bitch, but it''s your personal character-builder. so move on. as far as your "size": you have the same mechanics as the skinny ninny next door. when the lights go out, we''re all the same, honey. and i defy anyone to tell me different!!!!

so pick yourself help from your bootstraps and let the following become your mantra. I AM NOT A VICTIM! I AM A SURVIVOR. and one more thing: NO PITY PARTIES! YOU ARE THE WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!
 
DS....It''s been three days we haven''t heard from you. Are you alright and have you seen/spoken to a counselor/therapist yet?
 
Date: 6/28/2007 6:15:07 PM
Author: surfgirl
DS....It''s been three days we haven''t heard from you. Are you alright and have you seen/spoken to a counselor/therapist yet?
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thinking about you too
 
DS!!!!! Please update us and let us know you''re ok! We care about you!
 
Hope you''re ok, please let us know.
 
Please check in with us when you have a chance. We are thinking of you.
 
Hey everyone.... I am hanging in there. I have been trying to keep busy b/c everytime I stop and think about him I am so overwhelmed with emotion it is almost hard to breathe. I haven''t been able to sleep much... or really at all this whole week. I am emotionally and physically pretty exhausted. I have spoken to a social worker/couselor which has helped a bit. Im gonna go get that book because It sounds pretty helpful. I have to take care of his cats for the next month and he can''t move in to the new place till Aug1 so all his stuff is still here and that isn''t helping much. All of the money has been divided...unfortunately we can''t close the joint account for several months b/c I work for the state and they said it would take 4 full cycles before it stopped going into that account so that is a drag. We are still in need of undoing joint phone accounts and car insurance. I am trying soooo hard not to miss him. It is harder than I ever could have imagined.... Just not having him next to be in bed and not having him come home after work is just so painful. Everytime I see a happy couple walking and holding hands all I can think of it how that was US for SOOO long. I need to actually be home for a couple days b/c I havent tended to things there at all. My room is a nightmare... my laundry pile is growing rapidly ... but i can''t even deal with that stuff.... my friends have been supportive but I haven''t really spoken to my family about the break up.... I dunno if they even know for that matter..... It comes in waves.... one minute its like I am 24 and can have a really good time now,,,, the next its like I miss having my life figured out already.and being really really in love..... I was out with coworkers for a retirement party for one of the Correction Officers last night so that was a huge distraction and well needed. Correction officers however are pretty much dirt balls and while the overwhelming attention can be nice and great for your wallet (didn''t have to buy a thing).... it is for sure a crowd (married, seperated with kids)... I need to stay away from.... Today I am just spending time with my dogs and kitten and trying to relax... I should get a move on being productive though. Thanks for all of the support and well wishes... it helps more than you all could ever know...
 
You are doing all the right things! You can do this. I had been married 24 years, and had 2 children when I asked my alcoholic husband to leave. The feelings you are having are normal. The things that held me back were the same: fear of being alone, fear of making it on my own. I am proof that you can make it through this. It is very difficult, but it can be done. I remember telling my therapist that it was just too hard, and yet I knew that life with him was harder yet. Seven years later, I am engaged to an absolute gentleman. (This is my 1st post; I have been lurking for 1 1/2 years, but this thread forced me out of lurkdom.)
Peace to you; it will come. Sherry

P.S. A book that helped me a lot is "Dance of Anger" by Harriet Goldhor Lerner
 
DS, SO glad you checked in and SO glad that you''ve seen a counselor. PLEASE, keep going. If you need to go more than once a week to get through this critical time, then do it. Or call a hotline in between counseling appt''s if it helps to get you through this key time.

As for his cats, I dont wish bad things for someone''s pets, but tough crap! I''d tell him he needs to find a temp home for them. I presume the guy has some friends or family? Let them take the cats. Let them take his crap until he can move elsewhere. He must be staying somewhere so let him keep his cats and crap there! You are right, it IS difficult to have his stuff around you, so dont. Tell him it''s out on the lawn and if he doesn''t get it by a certain time, Good Will is coming to pick it up. You owe this guy nothing.

I''m happy to hear you''re taking care of the financial issues but I think you can have him removed from your joint account. That way, if your work money still goes into that acct for the time being, at least he wont have access to it. Or, perhaps you can ask your bank to have deposits from a specific location (your work), immediately transferred from the joint acct to another acct only in your name? Just an idea. I have a feeling if you explained to a bank manager your personal situation, they''d do anything to help you solve that issue. I know I would if a customer came to me with a special situation.

Your doing alot better than I think you realize! You''re staying true to YOU and what YOU need to do.
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AND, you are realizing who is a positive, supportive influence on your life, and who isn''t. Keep your mindset there and keep moving forward, one step at a time. No, it''s not easy, but nothing worth having ever is! So make time to clean up your room and create a nurturing space to live in. Clean your clothes. Do things that are part of your normal routine so you can start to feel normal again! And please, dont dwell on how great life was with this dude. He was abusive. Like Sherry said, one day you''ll meet a man who''s a real man. Who will treat you like queen!
 
I''m glad you checked in and I''m so glad you''re staying strong! I agree with Surfgirl, though-he needs to get his stuff out of your parent''s house immediately, and as for the cats, he just needs to find someone else to watch them. That''s just a ploy to keep you in his life, in my opinion.

He can rent a storage unit and take his stuff there if need be. I would put all his stuff out of the house and call him and tell him to take it by the end of the weekend. Make sure if you''re there when he comes to pick up his stuff that someone else is with you in case he tries to get violent with you.

Good luck, stay strong and try to remember that one day you''ll find someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated!
 
DS, I just read this thread. I can''t add anything to what everyone else has said but I am glad you are taking care of yourself and being strong. You don''t deserve that type of abuse. Take care of yourself. Keep us posted and be safe.
 
I am wishing you all the best.

Personally I have some issues with that book in particular but I suppose it is a useful reference point. I am delighted you spoke to a counsellor, I would view that as the way forwards.

Take care.

Ps the earrings are beautiful, well done for seeing them for their beauty in white metal.
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DS, thank you for letting us know how you're doing.

And I have to admit, I thought the same things surfgirl said. Let someone else take care of the cats, you should not have to deal with this, it's his responsibility. And yes, he surely has some place he can store his things. If not, well, they have these nifty things called storage rentals...


Hang in there, you ARE doing it!!!
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Stay strong!! We''re all here to support you. You are taking back your life
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DS, you''ve gotten some great ideas for where to go from here. I am sorry for what you''re going through.

You may find Dr. Irene''s website helpful. It''s mostly for people dealing with verbal abuse, but the folks in the forums are very helpful and supportive. I suspect that your exFI was verbally and emotionally abusive before it turned physical.

http://www.drirene.com


Books you may want to read:

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie

I definitely recommend counseling with a therapist that has experience working with abused women.

My ex-husband was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and it took me ten years to get out. I only sought counseling when I knew I either had to get out or kill myself -- that''s how miserable I was. I wouldn''t wish that feeling on anyone.

Stay strong and surround yourself with a support group and you will get through this.


-- RPS
 
do waht you need to do to grieve the relationship. that''s a natural process. Sometimes finality takes time. you are a survivor.
 
DS, I''m so proud of you and happy for you!
 
Hi,

I saw your post on huggy earrings on the other thread.

You are being so strong.....I''m sending you a big hug and loving thoughts from Singapore.

You have absolutely amazing parents who LOVE YOU!

Its beyond a doubt that everyone here wants the best for you - happiness.

You have made the right choice. Marrying him would mean that you accept his abuse and he will justify more frequent abuse as he know he has you trapped.

Please don''t accept him back EVER! All I see for you if you do, is misery and that would be heartbreaking.

Don''t forget that GOD has a plan for everyone - I do not at any time believe being in an abusive marriage is the plan he has for YOU.

I see an amazing life for you on the horizon....
 
Date: 7/1/2007 9:36:16 AM
Author: sparkles
I see an amazing life for you on the horizon....
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DITTO!!! To face this crisis & work your way through it PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST at 24 yrs. old -- shows just how savvy & strong you really are! You''ll take the knowledge that you stood up for yourself despite temptations/emotions/fear etc for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. It is SO worth it.

Re: the cats & stuff ... you could tell your vet what''s going on & have them boarded there (on his dime). If you do decide to keep tending them-- know that it probably is a manipulation on his part to stay connected to you ... to have a livng embodiment of your time together around & keeping your emotions/sentimentality fresh etc. As long as you''re aware of it - you''ll be better able to see it for what it is & just treat it like any task you''re finishing. With less emotion.

Thanks for checking in! We''re all thinking of you & wishing you well!!
 
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