vespergirl
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2007
- Messages
- 5,497
DIAMONDSMITTEN, PLEASE READ THIS! I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR EXACT SAME SITUATION, DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK!!!
I am so sorry about what happened to you, but there will be life beyond this man - I promise you that if you move on, you will find someone a thousand times better, you would never dream of hurting you or making you sad, but if you take him back, you will regret it for the rest of your life.
Your guy sounds EXACTLY like my ex-fiance. My ex was an "upstanding citizen" - a prominent Washington, DC tax attorney who seemed, to the rest of the world, very gentle and refined. In public, he treated me like a princess. However, when we were home alone, he would constantly berate me and pick fights, and it started with him throwing things around the house and yelling. After over a year together, and after we were engaged, he threw me across the room repeatedly into the corner of a desk, leaving bruises on by back, butt and leg that lasted for over 3 weeks. That day, I told him that I was leaving him, he had to move out. I took my ring off & gave it back to him.
He cried and begged me to take him back. He promised it would never happen again. He promised that he would go to anger management therapy. He deluged me with flowers and gifts. Still, I made him move out & he went to anger management for a few months, while still trying to woo me back.
When he found out that I told my parents that I called the engagement off & kicked him out, HE WROTE MY PARENTS A TWO PAGE LETTER telling them how much he loved me, and that he was working hard to be able to deserve me, and that he wanted us to get past it and move on. HOWEVER, hidden between the lines of the letter, was language insinuating that I was the one who provoked him to his anger, that he had never lost his temper in other relationships, etc. My mother is a social worker, and she called me write away urging me NOT to take him back. She said that''s typical of abusers - they "take the blame," but then state that it would have never happened if the woman had somehow not "provoked" them into their bad behavior. My Dad felt bad for him & thought I should try to work it out, but I decided not to.
Even though the letter had a lot of beautiful things to say about me & his hope for the relationship, I still read between the lines to see that he wasn''t completely accepting responsibility for his actions, and I had the feeling that if I took him back, he would feel that he had been successful, and would stop working on his anger issues. So, I decided to completely stop seeing him & totally end the relationship. Once I did that, he stopped attending anger management, which showed me that he was never serious about getting better, just doing something for show thinking that it would win me back. He also got very angry when he tried to "re-propose" and I refused to re-accept the ring, showing he really hadn''t changed at all. I''m telling you, these guys are impossible to change - he is not worth your happiness.
I told you this story would have a happy ending - 6 months after I broke it off with him, I met the most wonderful, handsome, successful, gentle, caring, and doting man that''s ever lived. Now that man is my husband, and we have a beautiful baby boy, and my life is perfect. I couldn''t have even imagined this type of happiness with the ex. Even though when I broke it off I was afraid that I would never meet anyone else, I was approaching 30, all the stuff we''re supposed to be afraid of, I met the most wonderful man ever after I got out of that awful relationship.
If this isn''t enough to sway you, please think about this in case you are planning on having kids some day. Being engaged is the easy part of the relationship. If he''s losing his cool during that time of your lives, what''s he going to be like when he''s responsible for supporting yoru family with kids, and having work stress, and lack of sleep? I promise he won''t turn into a nicer person. And you would regret it for the rest of your life if you brought children into a family where they were either witnessing abuse or being abused themselves.
Be strong - you are a wonderful woman, and you deserve a great man, not a coward who would beat up on a girl!
And your parents should NOT be talking to him. You are their daughter, and their loyalty and protection should always be with you. Your safety should be their first priority - do not let them (or yourself) be manipulated by them. He is an adult. He should have known better and never touched you to begin with.
I am so sorry about what happened to you, but there will be life beyond this man - I promise you that if you move on, you will find someone a thousand times better, you would never dream of hurting you or making you sad, but if you take him back, you will regret it for the rest of your life.
Your guy sounds EXACTLY like my ex-fiance. My ex was an "upstanding citizen" - a prominent Washington, DC tax attorney who seemed, to the rest of the world, very gentle and refined. In public, he treated me like a princess. However, when we were home alone, he would constantly berate me and pick fights, and it started with him throwing things around the house and yelling. After over a year together, and after we were engaged, he threw me across the room repeatedly into the corner of a desk, leaving bruises on by back, butt and leg that lasted for over 3 weeks. That day, I told him that I was leaving him, he had to move out. I took my ring off & gave it back to him.
He cried and begged me to take him back. He promised it would never happen again. He promised that he would go to anger management therapy. He deluged me with flowers and gifts. Still, I made him move out & he went to anger management for a few months, while still trying to woo me back.
When he found out that I told my parents that I called the engagement off & kicked him out, HE WROTE MY PARENTS A TWO PAGE LETTER telling them how much he loved me, and that he was working hard to be able to deserve me, and that he wanted us to get past it and move on. HOWEVER, hidden between the lines of the letter, was language insinuating that I was the one who provoked him to his anger, that he had never lost his temper in other relationships, etc. My mother is a social worker, and she called me write away urging me NOT to take him back. She said that''s typical of abusers - they "take the blame," but then state that it would have never happened if the woman had somehow not "provoked" them into their bad behavior. My Dad felt bad for him & thought I should try to work it out, but I decided not to.
Even though the letter had a lot of beautiful things to say about me & his hope for the relationship, I still read between the lines to see that he wasn''t completely accepting responsibility for his actions, and I had the feeling that if I took him back, he would feel that he had been successful, and would stop working on his anger issues. So, I decided to completely stop seeing him & totally end the relationship. Once I did that, he stopped attending anger management, which showed me that he was never serious about getting better, just doing something for show thinking that it would win me back. He also got very angry when he tried to "re-propose" and I refused to re-accept the ring, showing he really hadn''t changed at all. I''m telling you, these guys are impossible to change - he is not worth your happiness.
I told you this story would have a happy ending - 6 months after I broke it off with him, I met the most wonderful, handsome, successful, gentle, caring, and doting man that''s ever lived. Now that man is my husband, and we have a beautiful baby boy, and my life is perfect. I couldn''t have even imagined this type of happiness with the ex. Even though when I broke it off I was afraid that I would never meet anyone else, I was approaching 30, all the stuff we''re supposed to be afraid of, I met the most wonderful man ever after I got out of that awful relationship.
If this isn''t enough to sway you, please think about this in case you are planning on having kids some day. Being engaged is the easy part of the relationship. If he''s losing his cool during that time of your lives, what''s he going to be like when he''s responsible for supporting yoru family with kids, and having work stress, and lack of sleep? I promise he won''t turn into a nicer person. And you would regret it for the rest of your life if you brought children into a family where they were either witnessing abuse or being abused themselves.
Be strong - you are a wonderful woman, and you deserve a great man, not a coward who would beat up on a girl!
And your parents should NOT be talking to him. You are their daughter, and their loyalty and protection should always be with you. Your safety should be their first priority - do not let them (or yourself) be manipulated by them. He is an adult. He should have known better and never touched you to begin with.
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