Would you help daughter/son w/ring purchase?

[Ann]

When the time comes, I would like to help our daughter and boyfriend purchase their engagement ring. I have secretly started a "fund" I don''t want to pay for the entire ring, but help. I know of other parents that have bought the ring and either helped picked it out or stayed out of the selection process. Is this unusual or maybe happens more than we realize? My own engagement ring was bought with a small inheritance from my husbands grandfather. We I see rings on college seniors, I wonder how a student can afford a ring - of any size.

 

[Kaleigh]

I think it''s very nice to help your son or daughter with the purchase of their diamond engagement ring. When the time comes for my son I have two family stones which he is welcome to. But that is a looong way away!!

 

[Daniela]

As long as you''re willing to renounce helping them if they don''t want your help (i.e. they would prefer a smaller ring that they bought themselves) and you don''t push the issue, I think it''s a nice gesture. Remember, both parties have to be on board with the idea, or you might end up with a situation similar to what Jellybean is going through right now.

Also, you need to be willing to only help financially and have no say whatsoever in the style of the ring. Otherwise, you''ll be perceived as controlling and you won''t be contributing positively to what should be a happy time.

But if you''re fairly relaxed about the above issues, then I guess the situation could work!

 

[fire&ice]

I don''t think it''s a good idea for a number of reasons which I am finding difficult to articulate. It''s almost like, as a parent, you are helping them with adulthood. They should buy only what they can afford. This is the very premise of a partnership.

 

[lizzyd]

Hi Ann,

I think it all depends on the personalities of the people involved. The bf might love to have the help, and dd might like to have a bigger/nicer ring. On the other hand, he could be insulted that it's a sign you don't think he can provide for your dd properly, or it won't feel like it's coming from him. Or, they might prefer to have the help when it comes time to buy their first house/car/have their first baby and start a college fund, etc.

Also, I think you must be willing to just contribute the money with absolutely no strings attached.

Can you broach the subject diplomatically with DD? That way, she can discuss it with her bf and he can answer her honestly, without feeling put on the spot by you about it.

Good luck. Let us know what happens.

Cheers,
LizzyD

Oops. I forgot to add, check out this thread for suggestions on how not to handle the situation if you're a MIL-to-be:

https://www.pricescope.com/forum/steam-room/how-do-i-just-let-something-go-t27180.html

 

[cobaltgirl]

A girlfriend and I just discussed this as she is recently engaged with no ring. At first she wanted his parents to help out (he has no job). Then she was going to buy it herself and he would pay her back in payments some day.
Now though she realized that it just doesn''t mean as much coming in any way than from him. She said, even if he had a part time job and got her a diamond chip it would have more meaning. I agree fully.
It is a very nice thought though, and I think you''re very cool to consider helping them like this.

 

[Mara]

I also agree with buying what they can afford...beginning steps of a partnership etc. I also think that depending on your relationship with the future fiance, it could be a touchy thing...aka if you don't necessarily get along...or maybe you do. I think it would depend on the partner in the relationship...what your relationship is with him/her and how your child feels about the assistance. Some kids would not want their parents involved in the selection of an engagement ring...I know I wouldn't! my mom was already all involved in the wedding.

Also, if it's a boyfriend you'd be assisting, he may feel macho affront that her mother wants to assist with payment? Just a thought, again it would depend on the relationship and yours with them/him.

But it is a sweet gesture, I would just be prepared that they possibly would not want the assistance and if that is the case, using the money for a great engagement gift would be appropriate or a wedding gift, etc. My two cents...what a great idea though...and very touching.

 

[Kaili]

What a lovely gesture.

Most or my friends who got engaged in or right out of college had help in one form or another from their parents on the engagement rings whether it was a loan, a family ring/ diamond handed down, or a gift. Many of my friends who have gotten married at a later age have purchased all on their own (if they didn''t have a family piece). My bf''s dad actually gave him a loan for the stone (which he IS paying back), and my bf purchased the setting himself.

IMHO, do whatever is comfortable for your family. I would suggest that if you do give a gift that it be unconditional, so they can choose the stone and setting that is special to them- unless they ask for help.

... Just my .02

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Honestly, I don''t think this is appropriate. A diamond ring is a romantic gesture between two people and having a parent involved in the process detracts from the passion between the two forming this bond.

Other ways to help, INSTEAD, would be to fund apart of the honeymoon or even help the couple start a savings account for a future house downpayment.

 

[Kaili]

Maybe it is just different perspective, but what is the difference between helping with a honeymoon/ down payment on a house and helping with a ring? Isn''t the honeymoon romantic- just between the couple? Parents pay for weddings too which is just as symbolic to me in terms of commitment as the ring. Not attacking, just interested to understand the perspective

 

[movie zombie]

i''m with fire & ice and MichelleCarmen on this one!

i just can''t begin to even articulate why i think this is wrong. some of it has to do with ''leaving the house of the father and cleaving to each other'' and another has to do with living within one''s own means, and making the decisions appropriate to one''s own financial ability.

i understand parents want good things for their children, but how do children learn to get those things unless left to do it? if things come easily, do we begin to think we''re entitled to them, rather than have to work for them? do we appreciate things more when we work for it?

its one thing to offer a family heirloom, another to pay for a new ring.

peace, movie zombie

 

[Kaili]

Movie, I think I do understand what you, Michelle, and Fire & Ice are saying. Why do the parents pay for the wedding and the honeymoon then? Shouldn''t the bride and groom be taking that on themselves as well?

I guess the bottom line for me is that we all do what works for us in the context of our lives. Great to be exposed to different ideas.

 

[movie zombie]

kali,

tradition used to hold that the bride''s family paid for the wedding and associated costs, and the groom paid for not only the engagement ring/wedding rings but the honeymoon.

the wedding industry will take $$$ from anyone......

peace, movie zombie

 

[Kaili]

Ah ha. Got it. Thanks

Guess we are backwards as it looks like we might be paying for our own wedding and no honeymoon. Complicated family situation on my side which I won't bore you with...

 

[ame]

Im going to post what my future father in law said to Ryan:

If you cannot afford to buy the ring, you aren''t ready to be proposing.

 

[movie zombie]

ame, you have a very very wise future FIL!

kali, in many ways you may be fortunate in doing it all on your own....you get to do it your way: ''s/he who pays the piper, calls the tune''!

this way you can do it your way. too many times i''ve seen couples compromise because the family was paying. and sometimes simple is better. sorry though that the family situation complicates things but you sound very capable of handling it!

peace, movie zombie

 

[Jennifer5973]

I am struggling with this! On one hand, giving your son that last $1,000 after he's been saving for the ring doesn't sound like a bad or unreasonable idea... On the other, handing over $5,000, $10,000, or more to foot the entire bill just seems....weird and almost "wrong."

A girl I work with has a beautiful 2CT Emerald in a tapered baguette platinum setting...her father-in-law bought the whole ring. When she told me that it felt odd to me--these people are 30 years old... I can see parents helping out kids, like with the wedding or a down payment on a house, or their first car...but an engagement ring? I don't know.

 

[Ann]

Lots of good points brought up here.

My daughter has already said she does not want a big wedding. Maybe a beach ceromony in Maui, at the most.
I''m sure we will foot most of that bill, but as far as the ring goes, if I can contribute with $, but not pay for the entire ring, then I want to. My husband could have never given me my engagement ring in 1975 had it not been for his grandfather leaving him a small (very small) part of a producing oil well. Ironic, because now hubby is in that business. We were just about to graduate college and both had part time jobs. I graduated first and he had 1 yr. left. We have never borrowed a dime from either sets of parents. We always supported ourselves. My husbands business partner has not only bought his son the ring, but gave them the down payment for their first house, bought their first SUV when the first grandbaby was on the way, furnished a lot of the house, and generally forks it over. So much, that I think it is too much. But it is really none of my business.

So contributing some $ for a stone or part of the ring is something I want to do. I do not want to be part of the selection process. I''m just gonna send ''em here to PS !!

 

[lost on 5th]

i would think a lot depends on the position in life for those who might need a loan. personally i would feel bad asking for help directly with the ring, but may need help with other costs during that same time.

from reading my other posts, i am sure you can see that the back of my mind is spinning on something very similar to this. both my girlfriend and i make a good living, but our immediate financial priorities are education. my existing student loans for grad school and her projected loans for grad school and 2 major relocations for the both of us, 5 years from now we will be ~110k in the hole (engagement and wedding associated costs aside).

... what im getting at is that some times the bigger picture is more than simply a cost of a ring. i may need financial help at some point, but would rather apply it to moving or education so that the ring was something of my efforts.

 

[elepri]

Not sure why but i don''t have a problem with the guy''s family helping him financially to buy the ring, it''s really not so different from giving him a family heirloom. On the other hand, as a woman, i''d be absolutely opposed to my parents contributing to my engagement ring and I know my fiance would''ve never accepted help from them. They''re welcome to pay for the wedding though (at least a good part of it) but the engagement ring has to come from him. Not that I have a good reason for this, it''s just my feeling about the issue.

 

[lizzyd]

Dear Ann,

This is a truly kind and generous gesture on your part. And, it''s clear this is something you really want to do. But, what if they really want this part of life''s journey to be something between just the two of them, alone? Will your feathers feel ruffled? If so, then perhaps you should examine your motives. Is this gesture really just for their benefit, or does it represent something for you that is not related to their feelings on the matter? Do you feel as though the ring should be comparable to the one your dh''s business partner bought for his DIL? (I only mention it because that issue seems to loom large for you).

Also, like it or not, I think there is still a real protocol for this kind of thing. I think a guy might much more readily accept help from his own family in this situation, rather than from hers.

There are plenty of men out there who would rather cut off a hand than have to admit that their wife''s e-ring was bought and paid for by their in-laws, in whole or in part. It''s a point of pride. My FIL is one of them. He was dirt poor at the time, so my MIL''s family paid for everything, including the rings and the honeymoon. Today he is a successful heart surgeon. But it still sticks in his craw. It''s not that they weren''t gracious about it. It''s just that it somehow deprived him of an important rite of passage into manhood.

It''s their first major purchase together as a couple (or his alone). It''s part of cutting the apron strings. It''s a lot of different things to different people. They may be fine with it. They may not be. Be prepared for either reaction, and don''t let your feelings be hurt if they chose to go this one alone.

Perhaps an alternative could be for you to offer them an engagement gift of the sum you were hoping to contribute to the ring. Tell them it''s for whatever they want to put it towards: e-ring, kids'' college fund, house, whatever. That way, you get to help them in a way that they decide is meaningful. Isn''t that what you really want in the end? To make them happy with your gift?

Good luck, and please let us know what you decide to do. And what they do. I hope all turns out well.

Cheers,
LizzyD

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 4/3/2005 3:57

2 PM
Author: movie zombie
kali,

tradition used to hold that the bride''s family paid for the wedding and associated costs, and the groom paid for not only the engagement ring/wedding rings but the honeymoon.

the wedding industry will take $$$ from anyone......

peace, movie zombie

i like the old chinese tradition,the groom''s side of the family pays for everything,i got 2 daughters.

 

[icekid]

hmm, interesting question! as someone whose engagement is imminent, i know my boyfriend would sooner fall over and die than accept money from my parents for my ring. that ring is a symbol of the promise that we''re making to each other. and no offense to our parents whom we love dearly, but they are just not really in the middle of that. i just get a weird feeling about the thought of my parents paying for my ring... it''s just not quite right.

i think it might make more sense when the time comes to just give them the money, as others have suggested. then they can do what they see fit, whether that is a downpayment for a house or a ring. there is just something sacred to me about that ring coming from my boy, not my parents.

 

[movie zombie]

i''m LOL, Dancing Fire!

peace, movie zombie

 

[Ann]

The money will be there "if" they want to use it. Otherwise, they can use it for whatever they see fit.

 

[Hest88]

On the other hand, as a woman, i''d be absolutely opposed to my parents contributing to my engagement ring and I know my fiance would''ve never accepted help from them.

Yes, that''s exactly how I feel. I think a better option is to just give her the money, when the time comes, without specifying what it was originally intended for. I think there are many men who would be insulted at the implication that they couldn''t afford the ring--the most personal symbol of their love--especially when the implication came from the future in-laws.

 

[Shay]

I would cherisha piece of twine tied on my finger more than a ring paid for by someone other than the man I love.

 

[tanuki]

In the situation that the guy''s family has a diamond ring that belonged to his grandmother and gives it to him to use as an engagement ring I can see that as OK.

I can also see the guy''s family helping him out with the purchase of the ring.

I think for the girl''s family to step in and contribute to the purchase of the ring would not be quite as appropriate.

The ring should be a gift from him to her.

 

[jellybean]

Well, since most of you know my situation

I will say that I will offer my MIL''s diamond to my daughter or son if she doesn''t want it. But, if they don''t want it (which I would totally understand!) then if they need say, that last $1,000, I would have no problems with that but I wouldn''t offer to pay for the whole ring. I would rather give them money toward the wedding or honeymoon. Now, I know some would say what''s the difference, but I really feel the e-ring needs to be between the couple.

 

[codex57]

I''m of the opinion that the ring is something that the guy should buy all on his own. Only help should be either from an inheritance, or from a ring/stone that was handed down (so it''s still kinda like an inheritance, cept the giver isn''t dead yet). I''d just use that money saved towards the wedding.