Zen (with sarcasm)

[kenny]

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

[Patty]

Deep thoughts by Jack Handy? I love these!

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it''s made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It''s a mystery, and that''s why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don''t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."