Advice? Friend received an ex''s e-ring

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 11/30/2005 6:43:01 AM
Author: allycat0303
Well the ring in by it self isn''t a deal breaker, but I would definitely be mad. I''m sure an very large upgrade would calm me down.

That being said, I''m wondering: are all the men on this site saying that they wouldn''t mind getting engaged with their ladie''s ex-fiance''s ring? As in she was engaged before, you want to get engaged, so she says ''I have this ring my ex-boyfriend gave me, let''s use that?'' Personally my boyfriend would give birth to a cow

. Manly pride, ego, etc., whatever, he would never accept this.

as long as it''s a big HONKER

well cut rb,i''ll take her EX,EX,EX''s ring.

 

[movie zombie]

LOL, DF!

peace, movie zombie

 

[Dancing Fire]

i don''t understand you girls

why make such a big deal about this ring ? girls don''t seem to mind that he had a physical relationship with another woman. what''s more important ? a ring that was worn by somebody else or a man that slept with other women before you.

 

[tawn]

Date: 12/1/2005 2:03:48 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
i don''t understand you girls

why make such a big deal about this ring ? girls don''t seem to mind that he had a physical relationship with another woman. what''s more important ? a ring that was worn by somebody else or a man that slept with other women before you.

Well....ya know that old saying, "Practice makes perfect"!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 12/1/2005 3:20:34 AM
Author: tawn

Date: 12/1/2005 2:03:48 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
i don''t understand you girls

why make such a big deal about this ring ? girls don''t seem to mind that he had a physical relationship with another woman. what''s more important ? a ring that was worn by somebody else or a man that slept with other women before you.

Well....ya know that old saying, ''Practice makes perfect''!

so.... i guess

most girls prefer a virgin ring over a virgin man.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

You'll never catch a nasty disease from a ring that's been worn before. Can't say the same thing about a person....

 

[pyramid]

The reason is because a Virgin man is very rare indeeed he

could be compared to a 3 carat D Flawless Super Ideal cut diamond.

 

[Kaleigh]

Too funny!!

 

[codex57]

Date: 12/1/2005 2:03:48 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
i don''t understand you girls

You and basically all heterosexual males... and many gay ones too.

 

[bar01]

Late to this discussion.

Bertrand's rules for a happy marriage.
Rule #1 – Before Marriage – forsake all “others”. Get rid of all physical, material, emotional, psychological and spiritual connections and baggage from past bonds or loves. Not always easy or 100% possible, but do your best.

Rule #2 – After Marriage – Be quick to say you are sorry (even if you don't "get it") and seek - and give - forgiveness at every opportunity.

 

[onedrop]

Bertrand...I like your rules!!

 

[cinnabar]

Date: 12/1/2005 1:37:54 PM
Author: Pyramid
The reason is because a Virgin man is very rare indeeed he

could be compared to a 3 carat D Flawless Super Ideal cut diamond.

I have to disagree strongly with this, sorry ...

I married such a man first time round, and I''d say he could more accurately have been compared to an eBay monkeyspit I3 with a depth of 40%.

Second time around I married a man with a much better understanding of the ways of wimmin, and he truly is a gem.

 

[platinumrock]

Date: 11/30/2005 12:03:24 PM
Author: Caribou

Date: 11/30/2005 10:36:03 AM
Author: platinumrock

Would any of you have married or stay to married your man if you knew or did not know that he''s still married to another woman, has a criminal record or has a child out of wedlock?

You are comparing apples to oranges. Still being married to another woman and/or having a criminal record is absoluetly 100% grounds for divorce. Having a child out of wedlock, if you meant he didn''t know, not his fault he didn''t know. If you meant he cheated which resulted in this child, grounds for divorce. Buying a ring and ''re-gifting'' is stupid but not grounds for divorce...IMO.

I think some women forget that men are in fact different than us. They don''t think nor feel the same as we do. They are not emotional creatures, like we are. I can have a problem with a friend and it ruin my day, week, month, year, whatever. Guys can have a problem with a friend....an hour later they are best buds again.

Granted, if I found out that my BF had given me a ring that he bought when he was with his EX I would be hurt and upset. I would demand that it be replaced and than we would deal with my hurt feelings.....eventually I would get over it. At least this is what I feel would happen. It is not, IMO, grounds for divorce nor grounds for breaking it off with him. I understand that it is a symbol of his promise to marry and his love...to us. But to a lot of guys, it''s not, it''s just a ring.

Not to be insulting to the guys on this board (you all are great

), but women give guys way too much credit when it comes to emotions and to much credit into knowing how we would feel about things. Yes K''s husband knew he was giving her a ring that he bought when he was with another woman. Yes, it was wrong. But I guarantee he didn''t have the same emotional connection to that ring that K had when he gave it to her. He probably bought it thinking ''this is what you do when you get engaged, buy a ring''.


K, I''m very sorry you went through such a horrible thing as a miscarrage. When you talk about your husband it reminds me of my friend''s husband. He''s very emotionless...she is VERY emotional. He doesn''t know what to do when she gets like that, so he leaves her be which upsets her and makes it worse. Like you, they are now in therapy trying to work through their communication issues. I wish you the best of luck with everything. Just know that he is making an effort (I assume) to be more emtionally available. It''s hard though. I have a problem opening up my feelings because of past issues....my BF doesn''t like so I''ve made an effort to fix it, I can say that changing who I have been for the past 33 years is VERY difficult. So be patient with him. Not that I''m condoning the ring issues, not at all, it was stupid of him.....hopefully he''ll make it up to you and when he does make sure he pays.

Sure, these things are grounds for divorce....if you know about them. What if you never do? That''s my point. It can be as trivial as a ring or it can be as serious as bigamy. But when you rob someone of their freedom to choose, you are being dishonest and selfish. This is a trust issue....and when you damage that, you are damaging the relationship. Not everyone can get past something like this. And yes, people do get divorced over a ring...especially an EX''s.

All that other "mars vs. venus" crap is just an excuse for men and women to behave poorly when they don''t communicate. If you really want your marriage to work, treat your spouse kindly and be honest with each other. It''s that simple!

 

[codex57]

Date: 12/1/2005 2:54:37 PM
Author: platinumrock

All that other 'mars vs. venus' crap is just an excuse for men and women to behave poorly when they don't communicate. If you really want your marriage to work, treat your spouse kindly and be honest with each other. It's that simple!

It's not an excuse for men and women to behave poorly when they don't communicate. It's why they behave poorly. Saying it's just an excuse is like saying the we should end world hunger. nice and true, but it's not quite that simple.

Most men and women are simply too far apart in the way they think for simple communication to solve all "bad" behavior. I've been talking to my wife for years. We're still trying to figure each other out.

Communicating is especially useful to figure out why someone behaved a certain way. It's not really behaving "badly" per se. It's just badly from one side's point of view, but the other sex would understand the behavior. Once the two sides understand, then they can start modifying their behavior so it's less offensive to the other sex.

The mars vs. venus thing is simply a humorous and easily understood way of explaining just how different men and women are. It's not an excuse, it's simply a description.

Your attitude sounds like you've had more experience "communicating" than some of us. I'm asuming you're an older male with a wife. Otherwise, you've gotta be a chick. Sure it may sound easy now, but this communicating stuff is hard for those with less experience. It's not necessarily a lack of communication. People have been harping about communication for years. It's not that simple. It's the type of communication or the translation that's the problem (hence the mars vs. venus thing). Men do just fine communicating with each other with very few words. Our communication can involve grunts, looks, going by the unspoken "rules" (stuff like you must leave at least one open urinal btw you and the next man if possible) and other non-wordy stuff like that. Problem is, women just don't understand these kinds of communications even tho it is a form of communication.

The problem is in the translation from martian to venutian. That translating just takes time and practice.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 12/1/2005 2:54:37 PM
Author: platinumrock
Sure, these things are grounds for divorce....if you know about them. What if you never do? That''s my point. It can be as trivial as a ring or it can be as serious as bigamy. But when you rob someone of their freedom to choose, you are being dishonest and selfish. This is a trust issue....and when you damage that, you are damaging the relationship. Not everyone can get past something like this. And yes, people do get divorced over a ring...especially an EX''s.

All that other ''mars vs. venus'' crap is just an excuse for men and women to behave poorly when they don''t communicate. If you really want your marriage to work, treat your spouse kindly and be honest with each other. It''s that simple!

I don''t know...I still don''t see it the same as bigamy. IMO, there''s no comparison. Man''s stupidity in re-gifting a ring is far less serious than Man''s stupidity in being married to more than one woman at the same time. Not only that but bigamy is illegal, last time I checked giving your EX"s ring to your current GF was not.

I also don''t think that ''Mars vs Venus'' is an excuse....just like every woman is different...we are different creatures than men are. I compared male/male friends with female/female friends in a previous post...two men can get into a fight so bad that it gets physical yet an hour later they are friends again. Two females can get into the same type of fight....no longer friends ever. We are way more emotional in our thought process....sometimes ridiculously so. But the same can be said about men''s lack of emotion.

 

[tawn]

Date: 12/1/2005 2:15:38 PM
Author: Bertrand

Late to this discussion.

Bertrand''s rules for a happy marriage.

Rule #1 – Before Marriage – forsake all “others”. Get rid of all physical, material, emotional, psychological and spiritual connections and baggage from past bonds or loves. Not always easy or 100% possible, but do your best.

Rule #2 – After Marriage – Be quick to say you are sorry (even if you don''t ''get it'') and seek - and give - forgiveness at every opportunity.

Love your rules....and a bonus extra from Tawn''s rules!

Rule # 3 - Never go to bed angry with each other. (Sort of redundant, but if you make that agreement in your marriage, no one has to sleep on the couch...unless you''re my husband, but he just had shoulder surgery and can''t sleep laying down for a month!)

 

[tawn]

Date: 12/1/2005 5:06:25 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 12/1/2005 3:20:34 AM
Author: tawn

Date: 12/1/2005 2:03:48 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
i don''t understand you girls

why make such a big deal about this ring ? girls don''t seem to mind that he had a physical relationship with another woman. what''s more important ? a ring that was worn by somebody else or a man that slept with other women before you.

Well....ya know that old saying, ''Practice makes perfect''!

so.... i guess

most girls prefer a virgin ring over a virgin man.

As long as my husband got the diamond ring for "me" and not for someone else, that makes the ring a virgin to me, I don''t really care how the diamond came to be available to Whiteflash! We all know diamonds are ancient anyways!

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 12/1/2005 3:11:50 PM
Author: codex57

Date: 12/1/2005 2:54:37 PM
Author: platinumrock

All that other ''mars vs. venus'' crap is just an excuse for men and women to behave poorly when they don''t communicate. If you really want your marriage to work, treat your spouse kindly and be honest with each other. It''s that simple!

The mars vs. venus thing is simply a humorous and easily understood way of explaining just how different men and women are. It''s not an excuse, it''s simply a description.

Precisely. I''ve been on this planet for over 46 years. I''ve been married for about 1/2 of that. I''ve seen my friends raise children trying non-gender methods. Men and Women are hard wired differently. Sure, there is the whole nuture argument - but there definitely exists natural differences. I can''t find a mother who would disagree.

As soon as one realizes that, one can address issues and try to see it from the other perspective. Only until you realize differences can you truly reach a common ground on communicating and ultimately understanding. It becomes more akin to "words & music". It''s not an excuse for poor judgement. Just a reason *why* the poor judgement seemed like a good idea at the time. And, that carte blanche isn''t soley on men.

 

[widget]

At Thanksgiving I overheard my son sharing a couple of "manly" mottos with another guy. I somehow thought they fit this thread:

Words to live by:

1. Happy life? Happy wife!


2. (my favorite) You can be right, or you can be happy!

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[Gonzodogg]

wow, someone needs to make a soap opera out of this thread

 

[tawn]

Date: 12/1/2005 8:20:46 PM
Author: widget
At Thanksgiving I overheard my son sharing a couple of ''manly'' mottos with another guy. I somehow thought they fit this thread:

Words to live by:

1. Happy life? Happy wife!


2. (my favorite) You can be right, or you can be happy!

widget

I love those! My husband carried a list of those in his wallet for years! I''ll have to see if he still has them and post them! They''re so cute...and true!

 

[blodthecat]

Time to take a deep breath guys!

Ok, he made a mistake, and he won''t have been the first to do this.

I know she must feel hurt, but I think it ''s time to let it go now. It''s only a ring! and remember a man''s brain thinks more logically. Us girls let or emotions affect our decision making.

If her relationship is good, she should forgive his insensitivity, and start looking for her upgrade ASAP.


Keep smiling

dyanne (england, uk)

 

[ksimpson]

Hi everyone.

I thought I would give an update on my situation since everyone was so kind as to give their thoughts to what happened.

Matthew and I went looking a few weeks ago at some emerald cut diamonds that he had the jeweler bring in. The jeweler had 5 stones, all around 1 carat in size. I picked up one to look at more closely and Matthew said really loud it figures you would pick the largest diamond! I felt like a balloon that had just had all its air let out. I put the stone down and walked toward the door. Of course Matthew ran up to me saying he was just kidding, but the tone in his voice didn''t sound like he was kidding. I really didn''t feel like being there. I thought this was going to be a step in the right direction and all it did was make me feel worse. The jeweler was giving all the specs of the diamonds but they were all just a blur. After a few minutes I began looking at the diamonds again and one caught my eye (no, it wasn''t the biggest one either). I decided that was the one I wanted. I don''t remember all the specs on it except it was a 1.08 carat E VS1.

Then the jeweler asked what kind of setting I wanted. I mentioned that I wanted a solitaire but I had seen some with some small diamonds on the side that I thought would look pretty. Then Matthew said you want a diamond setting too? The jeweler was really annoyed at this point and took Matthew aside and said something to him. I don''t know what he said, but again, I just wanted to hide. This was not fun at all. They came back to the counter and the jeweler showed me a setting that had some pave stones. It was really subtle but pretty, kind of antique looking. I kept looking at Matthew and he had this look on his face like how much is this going to cost me. That is always the most important factor to him, the cost.

So I got the pave setting and we left. We didn''t say anything in the car. I just didn''t feel like talking to him. When we got home he said something like aren''t I going to thank him. I said thank you but apparently that wasn''t enough because he was like you don''t seem very happy. I told him it was hard to be happy when he was making all these snide comments and making me feel miserable about it.

We went to Matthew''s parents'' house this weekend because we celebrate Christmas early with them. The whole ring subject came up. Matthew was laughing and said the old lady (meaning me) made me put down $5,000 to get her this new ring. Then his mom was getting on my case on how I made him spend a lot of money on a new ring for me. And this was supposedly the same woman that told him not to give me his ex''s ring -- now she is completely changing her tune! I said I didn''t make him do anything but it was like talking to a brick wall. The only one on my side was his sister. She said I should have made him spend $10,000 more. Needless to say, I was not very happy this weekend.

So after all the I''m sorry''s and the flowers, I know how Matthew really feels about this. It''s all about money. I don''t even want the stupid ring. I don''t know what to do. I hate thinking about this all the time. He doesn''t really care about making it up to me. I wish I had never found out about that ring.

 

[bookworm21]

OMG. I''m so sorry to hear about this. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? I know it can be really difficult to bring up that subject, but this will be a sore point in your relationship if you don''t explain the sentimentality the ring represents to you. I would be upset too if my bf acted in the same fashion. He completely disregarded your feelings, and IMHO, completely embarrassed the both of you by making such snide comments.

Not to badmouth Mathew or anything, but I also think he was way out of line for making that comment about you MAKING him buy you a new ring. Price shouldn''t even be a factor. Even if it is, what''s $5000 in the scheme of things? This is a ring you''ll be wearing for the rest of your life, so although it may be a huge amount right now, it''s not much when you think that this is something you''ll be wearing for the next 50 years, and may pass it down as an heirloom to your children.

I hope everything works out for you. Please keep us updated and let us know how you''re doing.

 

[Mara]

Here is my two cents Kate...

Not that I am making excuses for your husband, I''m not at all, he sounds like he''s being a dumbass bout the whole thing. He is lucky he is getting away with $5k! But that said, you know this guy is not a sensitive type, so does it really surprise you that he''s joking around like this? Obviously you wish he wouldn''t...did you mention that you guys were in counseling? If not, I suggest it and suggest that you mention this issue and how he makes you feel when he is funny/snide etc.

In the meantime, the next time he says something like ''old lady made me buy her a ring''...come up with a snappy response that is something like ''well don''t i deserve it after wearing someone else''s ring for 10 years?''. That will most likely shut him up!

Anyway enjoy your new ring, regardless of what came about with it, you deserve it!

 

[ksimpson]

Date: 12/19/2005 6:31:43 PM
Author: Mara
Here is my two cents Kate...

Not that I am making excuses for your husband, I''m not at all, he sounds like he''s being a dumbass bout the whole thing. He is lucky he is getting away with $5k! But that said, you know this guy is not a sensitive type, so does it really surprise you that he''s joking around like this? Obviously you wish he wouldn''t...did you mention that you guys were in counseling? If not, I suggest it and suggest that you mention this issue and how he makes you feel when he is funny/snide etc.

In the meantime, the next time he says something like ''old lady made me buy her a ring''...come up with a snappy response that is something like ''well don''t i deserve it after wearing someone else''s ring for 10 years?''. That will most likely shut him up!

Anyway enjoy your new ring, regardless of what came about with it, you deserve it!

Actually, it does surprise me a bit about his joking around, because it really doesn''t sound like he''s joking, and I know deep down, he isn''t joking. We aren''t in counseling now (were a long time ago) but it has been brought up about how sensitive I am about some things. Seeing that, I would think he wouldn''t then make stupid comments, but maybe I am just expecting too much out of him.

And the $5,000 is the number he came up with as being comfortable spending. I was hoping for an emerald cut diamond a little bit bigger, but at least I am getting what I want.

When he said the old lady comment in front of his family, his sister immediately came up with the comment on how I should have made him spend $10,000. She''s the only one that seems to be on my side in this. His whole family is making me out to be a whiny ungrateful gal.

 

[Kaleigh]

That''s a shame he made such hurtful comments. I would let him know just how you feel. Seems like he wants to make light of it, and I see your point. The old lady comments and the ones he made in the store were insensitive. I hope you love your new ring and can get to a point where all of this is behind you. So glad his sister agrees with you!! Hang in there Kate!!!

 

[movie zombie]

perhaps 'its cheaper than a divorce' would shut him and your MIL up.

instead of stuffing your feelings, i hope you tell him that you thought his offer to get a new e-ring was sincere and you had decided to give him the benefit of doubt. however, his statements at the jewelers were not only insensitive, they demonstrated a lack of sincerity. that this was an issue between the two of you and a statement to the family that you 'made' him get you a new ring was again inappropriate and insensitive and that next time he makes such a statement you are either leaving then and there or you will not be responsible for what comes out of your mouth.

personally, i would have said 'how much do you think a divorce is going to cost you?' and i've told the MIL that this is an issue between my husband and i and its none of her business, pass the salad, please.

ok, i've vented and got that out of my system.

at this point, i think these interactions are emotionally abusive. passive aggressive behavior gives such mixed signals and always will leave you thinking there is something wrong with you. learn more about it and how to counter it.

peace, movie zombie

 

[Mara]

Kate..I definitely agree he isn''t joking...he''s using jokes to try to say what he really feels. Definitely would bother me but then again I would speak back up...I don''t let comments like that just slide for long. I just think that it''s not a surprise from what you have told us about him...very passive aggressive. Good luck with counseling!!

 

[widget]

Author: movie zombie
perhaps ''its cheaper than a divorce'' would shut him and your MIL up.

MZ.....LOL....you''re the best!!!

Kate...in all seriousness, you have my deepest sympathies. I think Movie Zombie''s advice regarding reading up on P/A behaviour is excellent:


at this point, i think these interactions are emotionally abusive. passive aggressive behavior gives such mixed signals and always will leave you thinking there is something wrong with you. learn more about it and how to counter it.

Good luck!
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