Kaleigh
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Advice? Friend received an ex''s e-ring
- Thread starter pebbles
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Mara
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Kaleigh
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Shay37
Ideal_Rock
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Okay, I have avoided adding my two cents, but here they are. (if anyone cares) I have always had guys for best friends. I think more like a guy sometimes than a girl. I believe that things are things. A guy buys a ring then it''s his to give to whomever. Why should he have to take a loss on that big of a purchase if it doesn''t work out? Maybe he should have told Kate. Whether he did or didn''t is water under the bridge 8 years later. All I know is that no "thing" that I have is worth my marriage. There is nothing that I own that cannot be replaced. The only things that cannot be replaced are people. The truth of the matter is that your DH probably didn''t really realize that it would bother you until you mentioned that you didn''t care for the cut. However, by your own admission, you had a rough first year. When exactly was he supposed to come clean?
I do think that his actions since you found out show that he is truly sorry. Some guys find it very difficult to say I''m wrong or I''m sorry. (guy speak for I''m wrong) See the problem here? I also don''t think that guys are the only ones with the above problem. As far as an analogy: I had never been engaged or married before I met my DH. He had been married twice before. Girls would say, "Oh, the third time was the charm." Guys would think, "Three strikes and you''re out."
If a guy can give his heart more than once and really mean it, why can''t he give a symbol of that love to someone else? He spent a lot of time and thought putting together a ring that he thought someone he loved would enjoy because he loves her. Is it about the love and commitment or the ring? One is just a thing. The other you can grow old with.
shay
I do think that his actions since you found out show that he is truly sorry. Some guys find it very difficult to say I''m wrong or I''m sorry. (guy speak for I''m wrong) See the problem here? I also don''t think that guys are the only ones with the above problem. As far as an analogy: I had never been engaged or married before I met my DH. He had been married twice before. Girls would say, "Oh, the third time was the charm." Guys would think, "Three strikes and you''re out."
If a guy can give his heart more than once and really mean it, why can''t he give a symbol of that love to someone else? He spent a lot of time and thought putting together a ring that he thought someone he loved would enjoy because he loves her. Is it about the love and commitment or the ring? One is just a thing. The other you can grow old with.
shay
codex57
Brilliant_Rock
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Shay37
Ideal_Rock
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No, I didn't go to Stanford. I wish I had met you. We could have had a blast. Incidentally, true affection is when he flaps the covers. kind of like the car thing only more affection and bigger laughs.
shay
ETA: When doing the car farting thing, it must skeeve out at least two out of three or it doesn't count. This is followed by phrases like, "man, are you trying to kill us?" or "Light a match." or "Good one."
cinnabar
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2004
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- 386
I''m not from Mars or Venus, I''m from some whole other planet altogether.
I don''t get why some guys have to surprise girls with rings they might not like, and why it''s acceptable for them to do that. I wanted to pick my own ring, I''m the one that has to wear it.
My husband was engaged to another girl once, and her preference was round solitaire so that''s what she got. She refused to give it back when the engagement ended, so this would never have been a problem for us anyway, but my husband wouldn''t have dreamed of giving me "sloppy seconds". He''s as upset for Kate as any of the Venusian girls here, he thinks reusing something as emotionally charged as an engagement ring is tacky and insensitive.
Just thought I''d throw him into the equation to balance out the girls who speak Martian
I don''t get why some guys have to surprise girls with rings they might not like, and why it''s acceptable for them to do that. I wanted to pick my own ring, I''m the one that has to wear it.
My husband was engaged to another girl once, and her preference was round solitaire so that''s what she got. She refused to give it back when the engagement ended, so this would never have been a problem for us anyway, but my husband wouldn''t have dreamed of giving me "sloppy seconds". He''s as upset for Kate as any of the Venusian girls here, he thinks reusing something as emotionally charged as an engagement ring is tacky and insensitive.
Just thought I''d throw him into the equation to balance out the girls who speak Martian
cymbrie
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Oct 13, 2005
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- 347
Welcome to PS Ksimpson! I am certainly sorry to hear about your unfortunate revelation. I do hope that you and your husband can come to some resolution on this matter. Afterall if you have stayed married 8 years with all the ups and downs you mentioned (and didn''t mention) there must be something btw you two that is worth having. I know I would have been upset if it had been me, but when it all comes down to it as much as all of us here adore our sparklies you can''t quantify the intangibles that love and companionship offer. Best of luck to you both and when you are ready to start your search for your emerald cut upgrade the PS community is a perfect place to start! And from the looks of it you''ll have many PSers more than ready/happy to assist in your search
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It doesn''t matter if I would be hurt if this happened to me or if you would be hurt if it happend to you. The fact of the matter is that ''Kate'' was hurt because this happened to her.
Kate''s husband doesn''t see anything wrong with what he did but the fact is that his actions did hurt her. They don''t have to agree whether what he did was right or wrong (because in true honsesty - there is no right or wrong answer in this), but he should acknowledge that he had hurt her deeply.
Couples will always disagree over things in life, but the only way to get through things is to accept that they have hurt the other person and ask for forgiveness for having done so and the hurt person should learn to forgive as well.
Kate''s husband doesn''t see anything wrong with what he did but the fact is that his actions did hurt her. They don''t have to agree whether what he did was right or wrong (because in true honsesty - there is no right or wrong answer in this), but he should acknowledge that he had hurt her deeply.
Couples will always disagree over things in life, but the only way to get through things is to accept that they have hurt the other person and ask for forgiveness for having done so and the hurt person should learn to forgive as well.
portoar
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2005
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- 646
Hi Kate,
Your story has generated quite a lot of emotional opinions. This whole issue is a minefield, and everyone''s response (or imagined response) to your situation is colored by their own expectations and experiences. For example, I, who did not and will never get a diamond from my husband, wouldn''t care that it was originally chosen for someone else. I am also a person who has struggled with having a hard time getting over things. Please consider that there is ultimately only one person who is responsible for your well-being and happiness: YOU. Choose a path of bitterness and resentment and it will color your feelings toward your husband and about choosing and buying your new ring. Or you can choose to be delighted that you have an opportunity together to rectify an error, express your appreciation to your husband that you can now have the diamond of your heart, and take delight in the wonderful experience of diamond shopping.
One thing that hasn''t been really addressed in the responses: you and your husband are at odds because he was put on the defensive by your reaction to the discovery, and you are hurt that he hasn''t acknowledged and apologized for his error. He needs a chance to "save face" over this situation. Give him an opening without being resentful or judgmental, and you may get your apology.
Accept his offer of a new ring, shop for the stone without bitterness, and give him a sincere and loving thank you when you get it. You will love the diamond and the ring better if it is purchased with a loving spirit between you.
Your story has generated quite a lot of emotional opinions. This whole issue is a minefield, and everyone''s response (or imagined response) to your situation is colored by their own expectations and experiences. For example, I, who did not and will never get a diamond from my husband, wouldn''t care that it was originally chosen for someone else. I am also a person who has struggled with having a hard time getting over things. Please consider that there is ultimately only one person who is responsible for your well-being and happiness: YOU. Choose a path of bitterness and resentment and it will color your feelings toward your husband and about choosing and buying your new ring. Or you can choose to be delighted that you have an opportunity together to rectify an error, express your appreciation to your husband that you can now have the diamond of your heart, and take delight in the wonderful experience of diamond shopping.
One thing that hasn''t been really addressed in the responses: you and your husband are at odds because he was put on the defensive by your reaction to the discovery, and you are hurt that he hasn''t acknowledged and apologized for his error. He needs a chance to "save face" over this situation. Give him an opening without being resentful or judgmental, and you may get your apology.
Accept his offer of a new ring, shop for the stone without bitterness, and give him a sincere and loving thank you when you get it. You will love the diamond and the ring better if it is purchased with a loving spirit between you.
butterfly 17
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 17, 2005
- Messages
- 2,681
HI Kate and welcome to Pricescope.
Before you upgrade, make sure you look through the tutorials on this webpage, it may change your mind about what diamond you want, etc. and you can at least get an idea of what the favorable stats are for an emerald cut diamond and prices.
Anyway, I just wanted to add my two cents to this topic. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and I never received an engagement ring. I don''t know what would have been worse, not getting a ring and waiting 10 years, or finding out the one I did get was someone else''s.
I finally did get a diamond ring for my 10 year wedding anniversary and guess what? It''s just a ring. I love my husband regardless if I had a ring or not and I would be with him still and believe me, it has not been easy at all.
Good luck with your upgrade and don''t forget to research this website prior to getting it!!!
Before you upgrade, make sure you look through the tutorials on this webpage, it may change your mind about what diamond you want, etc. and you can at least get an idea of what the favorable stats are for an emerald cut diamond and prices.
Anyway, I just wanted to add my two cents to this topic. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and I never received an engagement ring. I don''t know what would have been worse, not getting a ring and waiting 10 years, or finding out the one I did get was someone else''s.
I finally did get a diamond ring for my 10 year wedding anniversary and guess what? It''s just a ring. I love my husband regardless if I had a ring or not and I would be with him still and believe me, it has not been easy at all.
I know you are upset about him not telling you and there is no excuse for him not to have told you, but remember for what it''s worth, even though you say you have had problems in the past and thought about leaving him, you are still with him for better or worse, so just give him another chance to make it up to you.
I am sure he is sorry and has told you numerous times already.
Good luck with your upgrade and don''t forget to research this website prior to getting it!!!
Wow. Thank you again for all your thoughtful replies. I never thought my situation would cause so much commotion!
I will give a little more insight (despite my post where I said I wouldn''t) because this ring is more to me than just an engagement ring.
Someone had mentioned (I''m sorry I forgot who!) that from the tone of my post that this might be the straw that broke the camel''s back. In a way it is, and here is why.
I said that my husband is sometimes lacking in the feelings department. Sometimes I don''t think he has a sensitive bone in him. To me, this whole ring situation is just one more example of his lack of feelings for not picking out a ring for ME. He obviously had some feelings for his ex because he spent all the time picking it out for her. And yes, he knew she wanted a princess cut. His family knew he was going to reuse the ring for me and advised him not to do it. His parents offered to loan him the money to buy me a ring. He refused. His parents (who I love to death) told him he would regret doing it. So the ring wasn''t a matter of "I love this cut and hope my love does too." It was "I knew she wanted a princess cut and I picked out a nice setting".
He has no trouble spending hours on end picking out the perfect gadgets for himself, where every present he has ever gotten me it seem he put exactly 2 seconds of thought into it. I''m really not a materialistic person, but please, give me something a little more romantic and thoughful than tivo for christmas (my gift last year).
The reason why we almost divorced 4 years ago? I felt there was a complete lack of sensitivity for me. I had severe endometriosis as a teenager and adult and was told I might never be able to have children. That was alright with me since I was on the fence about having them or not. Matthew wasn''t sure either, so we both had the attitude that if we do, fine, if we don''t fine. Well I found out I was pregnant about 4 years ago. We couldn''t believe it. I was thrilled, he was less enthusiastic. One day when I was in my 10th week (very early) I started cramping really bad. I was at work and my co-worker took me to the emergency room. We tried to get a hold of Matthew at work and couldn''t. I don''t know where he was. I went to the ER and they told me I was most likely having a miscarriage and that there was nothing they could do. About 3 hours later Matthew showed up. I was in tremendous pain and bleeding quite a bit. I was very emotional and really needed him. He couldn''t handle it. He didn''t know what to say, he didn''t know what to do. I felt as though he had abandoned me. I did have a miscarriage and felt like I couldn''t grieve over that because I was so conflicted with my husband''s lack of emotion. Long story short, I almost divorced him over it. We did seek counseling over it. Basically learned that he has trouble (like many men I''m sure) dealing with really emotional situations. He has admitted that is something he needs to work on.
We take things a day at a time. Because of the miscarriage, it took me a long time to trust that he really loved me because he certainly didn''t show it that day. This ring situation now is like opening an old wound. Sure he wants to buy me a new ring now, maybe that is his way of showing that he loves me. I know I am probably being too emotional about this. I need to get over it. I told him we can go looking tomorrow night.
Thanks again for all the help.
I will give a little more insight (despite my post where I said I wouldn''t) because this ring is more to me than just an engagement ring.
Someone had mentioned (I''m sorry I forgot who!) that from the tone of my post that this might be the straw that broke the camel''s back. In a way it is, and here is why.
I said that my husband is sometimes lacking in the feelings department. Sometimes I don''t think he has a sensitive bone in him. To me, this whole ring situation is just one more example of his lack of feelings for not picking out a ring for ME. He obviously had some feelings for his ex because he spent all the time picking it out for her. And yes, he knew she wanted a princess cut. His family knew he was going to reuse the ring for me and advised him not to do it. His parents offered to loan him the money to buy me a ring. He refused. His parents (who I love to death) told him he would regret doing it. So the ring wasn''t a matter of "I love this cut and hope my love does too." It was "I knew she wanted a princess cut and I picked out a nice setting".
He has no trouble spending hours on end picking out the perfect gadgets for himself, where every present he has ever gotten me it seem he put exactly 2 seconds of thought into it. I''m really not a materialistic person, but please, give me something a little more romantic and thoughful than tivo for christmas (my gift last year).
The reason why we almost divorced 4 years ago? I felt there was a complete lack of sensitivity for me. I had severe endometriosis as a teenager and adult and was told I might never be able to have children. That was alright with me since I was on the fence about having them or not. Matthew wasn''t sure either, so we both had the attitude that if we do, fine, if we don''t fine. Well I found out I was pregnant about 4 years ago. We couldn''t believe it. I was thrilled, he was less enthusiastic. One day when I was in my 10th week (very early) I started cramping really bad. I was at work and my co-worker took me to the emergency room. We tried to get a hold of Matthew at work and couldn''t. I don''t know where he was. I went to the ER and they told me I was most likely having a miscarriage and that there was nothing they could do. About 3 hours later Matthew showed up. I was in tremendous pain and bleeding quite a bit. I was very emotional and really needed him. He couldn''t handle it. He didn''t know what to say, he didn''t know what to do. I felt as though he had abandoned me. I did have a miscarriage and felt like I couldn''t grieve over that because I was so conflicted with my husband''s lack of emotion. Long story short, I almost divorced him over it. We did seek counseling over it. Basically learned that he has trouble (like many men I''m sure) dealing with really emotional situations. He has admitted that is something he needs to work on.
We take things a day at a time. Because of the miscarriage, it took me a long time to trust that he really loved me because he certainly didn''t show it that day. This ring situation now is like opening an old wound. Sure he wants to buy me a new ring now, maybe that is his way of showing that he loves me. I know I am probably being too emotional about this. I need to get over it. I told him we can go looking tomorrow night.
Thanks again for all the help.
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2004
- Messages
- 2,547
Mrssalvo says:
and Perry, I would not want diamonds you spent over a month looking for, putting you heart and soul into to give to someone else.
Shay37, Codex, and others have it far closer to the truth.
OK "D" wanted a 3 stone ring. But I am the one who wanted "superideal cut" side stones with a few other features: because I wanted any ring built to be near perfect (she did not really care).
I put months of my time, effort, and soul into finding that wonderful matched pair for me - so that I knew they were the best of what I could do for the one I loved.
That will still be true for whomever I marry. To me those specific diamonds represent the best of me; and I want to give the best of me into her jewelry.
Now, should I find another gal who is interested - perhaps she will not want a 3 stone ring. No problem; but I''m betting that she would love to have a pair of diamond earings (or something else) that I can use those diamonds on.
Would you not want to know how much love and caring I put into selecting the "perfect" matched pair of diamonds - because I want any diamonds to be of a certain quality - so thatg my love just dazzles.
I should also mention that that pair is not easily replacable. I had two vendors willing to look for what I wanted (most vendors quickly backed out). One found a suitable pair in about 2 months; the other found nothing in about 6 months (I told them to keep looking for a while, with an eye to earrings).
Perry
and Perry, I would not want diamonds you spent over a month looking for, putting you heart and soul into to give to someone else.
Shay37, Codex, and others have it far closer to the truth.
OK "D" wanted a 3 stone ring. But I am the one who wanted "superideal cut" side stones with a few other features: because I wanted any ring built to be near perfect (she did not really care).
I put months of my time, effort, and soul into finding that wonderful matched pair for me - so that I knew they were the best of what I could do for the one I loved.
That will still be true for whomever I marry. To me those specific diamonds represent the best of me; and I want to give the best of me into her jewelry.
Now, should I find another gal who is interested - perhaps she will not want a 3 stone ring. No problem; but I''m betting that she would love to have a pair of diamond earings (or something else) that I can use those diamonds on.
Would you not want to know how much love and caring I put into selecting the "perfect" matched pair of diamonds - because I want any diamonds to be of a certain quality - so thatg my love just dazzles.
I should also mention that that pair is not easily replacable. I had two vendors willing to look for what I wanted (most vendors quickly backed out). One found a suitable pair in about 2 months; the other found nothing in about 6 months (I told them to keep looking for a while, with an eye to earrings).
Perry
aljdewey
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2002
- Messages
- 9,170
ROTFLMAO!
Codex, WELL, WELL said!
A lot of my friends are men, and their term for all that stuff: "White noise". I tease them all about the built-in "white noise" filter that just lets them completely not hear stuff like "symbol of our undying love, yada yada" that just misses the mark with them.
butterfly 17
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 17, 2005
- Messages
- 2,681
Kate,
Please don't ever feel the need to justify your reasons for being upset with your husband. You have absolutely every right to be upset and you don't need to tell us, complete strangers, your personal problems that you have had in the past.
Even if you had a perfect marriage, with absolutely no arguments,etc, and a perfect husband, you still have a right to be upset.
Just try to focus on the positive now and try not to dwell on the past, the more you focus on it, the angrier and upset you will get.
Please don't ever feel the need to justify your reasons for being upset with your husband. You have absolutely every right to be upset and you don't need to tell us, complete strangers, your personal problems that you have had in the past.
Even if you had a perfect marriage, with absolutely no arguments,etc, and a perfect husband, you still have a right to be upset.
Just try to focus on the positive now and try not to dwell on the past, the more you focus on it, the angrier and upset you will get.
codex57
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Dec 18, 2004
- Messages
- 1,492
Well, I dunno if you''re "too emotional" over this. There''s really no wrong or right in a person''s emotions. They are what they are. You''re absolutely entitled to feeling the way you do. The key is understanding.
I''m glad you recognize that this is reopening an old wound and not a new one. He is insensitive, but many guys are. We often freak when faced with really emotional stuff. Many of us have been ingrained while growing up that guys don''t show emotion. Well, not the emotions girls like to see. Just the macho one.
I hope it''s not the straw that broke the camel''s back cuz this is a really old thing that happened and not a new one. While he may not say the actual words, his actions do indicate that he knows he screwed up and is sorry.
You''re worried he doesn''t love you cuz he spent all that time picking the ring out for his old g/f and not you. Hopefully, he didn''t choose another one cuz the first experience (going through all that effort and then having it not work out) made him so exasperated that he didn''t want to go through it again. Frustration (and pride at having to take a loan from parents) may have been strong enough back then that he decided to take his chances. My first g/f was extremely high maintenance and I guess I was scarred or whatever you wanna call it that afterwards, I was pretty averse to romantic gestures. I''m slowly softening up still.
Sure he was an insensitive boob back then, but has he shown improvement? Sounds like he''s trying. Went to counseling. Admitted he needs work. Wanting to actually go jewelry shopping as a gesture of goodwill and apology. To me, that''s progress from someone who was totally insensitive and selfish. I mean, he''s spending more than two minutes on something he doesn''t understand or like and almost certainly sees as a waste of money. That means, your jewelry and happiness are getting up there in importance with his own toys.
I don''t mean to be defending a real ass, but it does seem like he''s trying and showing some progress. To be totally honest, if I didn''t see any hope, I''d have told you. It may seem insensitive to be so upfront about it, but I freely admit I don''t quite get everything that sets girls off yet. I''m working on it too. I''m gonna risk being more insensitive now. I''m sorry about the miscarriage, but since you guys don''t have kids, you have less to lose if you guys go your separate ways. However, I do see progress and I do see hope. I think you guys still have a good chance of making this thing work.
Be mad. Be frustrated. Be angry with him. But get it out of your system (mostly). Then, when you''re calmer, hopefully you can more gently turn this into another learning experience for him. Try and be patient with us guys. We seriously are thickheaded about this stuff sometimes and it takes us a LOOONNG time to learn. My wife is totally awesome and has been incredibly patient in trying to help me be more sensitive. Poor girl''s been working almost 8 years on me and I''m still a big work in progress. To make you feel a little better, it took me about 6 years to finally learn that on special occasions like birthdays, I need to remember to get a gift AND a card AND flowers. Not just one of them or some combination of two of them. Yes, seems simple but I''m yet another knuckleheaded guy (see the Budweiser commercial example for what my problem was) who''s really slow to pick up on this stuff. There are guys who either instictively get this stuff or learn quickly. Unfortunately, I, like most guys, aren''t one of them.
I''m glad you recognize that this is reopening an old wound and not a new one. He is insensitive, but many guys are. We often freak when faced with really emotional stuff. Many of us have been ingrained while growing up that guys don''t show emotion. Well, not the emotions girls like to see. Just the macho one.
I hope it''s not the straw that broke the camel''s back cuz this is a really old thing that happened and not a new one. While he may not say the actual words, his actions do indicate that he knows he screwed up and is sorry.
You''re worried he doesn''t love you cuz he spent all that time picking the ring out for his old g/f and not you. Hopefully, he didn''t choose another one cuz the first experience (going through all that effort and then having it not work out) made him so exasperated that he didn''t want to go through it again. Frustration (and pride at having to take a loan from parents) may have been strong enough back then that he decided to take his chances. My first g/f was extremely high maintenance and I guess I was scarred or whatever you wanna call it that afterwards, I was pretty averse to romantic gestures. I''m slowly softening up still.
Sure he was an insensitive boob back then, but has he shown improvement? Sounds like he''s trying. Went to counseling. Admitted he needs work. Wanting to actually go jewelry shopping as a gesture of goodwill and apology. To me, that''s progress from someone who was totally insensitive and selfish. I mean, he''s spending more than two minutes on something he doesn''t understand or like and almost certainly sees as a waste of money. That means, your jewelry and happiness are getting up there in importance with his own toys.
I don''t mean to be defending a real ass, but it does seem like he''s trying and showing some progress. To be totally honest, if I didn''t see any hope, I''d have told you. It may seem insensitive to be so upfront about it, but I freely admit I don''t quite get everything that sets girls off yet. I''m working on it too. I''m gonna risk being more insensitive now. I''m sorry about the miscarriage, but since you guys don''t have kids, you have less to lose if you guys go your separate ways. However, I do see progress and I do see hope. I think you guys still have a good chance of making this thing work.
Be mad. Be frustrated. Be angry with him. But get it out of your system (mostly). Then, when you''re calmer, hopefully you can more gently turn this into another learning experience for him. Try and be patient with us guys. We seriously are thickheaded about this stuff sometimes and it takes us a LOOONNG time to learn. My wife is totally awesome and has been incredibly patient in trying to help me be more sensitive. Poor girl''s been working almost 8 years on me and I''m still a big work in progress. To make you feel a little better, it took me about 6 years to finally learn that on special occasions like birthdays, I need to remember to get a gift AND a card AND flowers. Not just one of them or some combination of two of them. Yes, seems simple but I''m yet another knuckleheaded guy (see the Budweiser commercial example for what my problem was) who''s really slow to pick up on this stuff. There are guys who either instictively get this stuff or learn quickly. Unfortunately, I, like most guys, aren''t one of them.
onedrop
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2006
- Messages
- 2,216
Kate: I am with Butterfly...no need to provide justifications here. It''s always easy to say what we would or wouldn''t do when we aren''t in that situation. Having been at my wits end a couple of times I kind of read between the lines of what you are going through. Like I said in my earlier post I really hope things work out, and if the upgrade is going to be a step toward closing some old wounds then I hope it happens for you then hope that you and your hubby can work together to create something beautiful for yourself.
moviezombie:
moviezombie:
aljdewey
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2002
- Messages
- 9,170
Kate, welcome to PS.
A quick observation that might help: it sounds like you've known for quite a while now that he's not a romantic; he's not "sensitive", and he's not emotional. It sounds to me that's just part of who he is. It's not because of any lack of feeling for you.....it's because that's who he is.
I'm guessing you knew this about him before you married, and one of the most oft-quoted pieces of advice is "like who you marry, because you cannot change him." I'm sure he means to "work on it", but put yourself in those shoes for a moment. If you had to "work on" your inherent personality and were expected to be "less emotional", I'd imagine that would be hard for you because it's not who you are.
As far as spending all that time picking her ring.....where did it get her? She didn't get him, did she? YOU did. Which is more important?
EDITED TO ADD: Yes, he spent all that time picking out the ring. That doesn't necessarily mean he *enjoyed* the process. Guys who aren't into that stuff do it under extreme duress, and vow NEVER to subject themselves to that kind of horror again! LOL ....My husband loves me to pieces, but he'd probably more relish throwing himself in front of a train than spending the day "comparison shopping" for engagement rings.
movie zombie
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jan 20, 2005
- Messages
- 11,879
perry, if you lived in california i''d be introducing you to a few women....! you make so much sense re the diamonds you bought. but, unfortunately, not all men are created equally in this not so small matter.
kate, it might be worth the time to see a counselor for yourself, not couples counseling, to get through some of this. it does sound as if the old scar tissue from past issues is still rather raw. i might add that from my own personal experience, such wounds left to fester will only keep opening up......and keep getting deeper and more painful with time.
peace, movie zombie
kate, it might be worth the time to see a counselor for yourself, not couples counseling, to get through some of this. it does sound as if the old scar tissue from past issues is still rather raw. i might add that from my own personal experience, such wounds left to fester will only keep opening up......and keep getting deeper and more painful with time.
peace, movie zombie
Codex, thank you so much for taking the time to write such informative posts. I will admit to never really understanding what goes on in a guy''s head (or lack of what''s going on up there...just kidding) and your posts made me realize that maybe he is just being, well...a GUY!
He did send me flowers at work yesterday. I guess his way of saying he feels bad about the situation. He already called the jeweler and asked them to bring in some emerald cut stones for us to look at.
Yes, I did know he was kind of the not-so-sensitive type when I married him. He is completely opposite of me (being extremely sensitive) so we kind of balance each other out. I know I sometimes expect him to be a mind reader then get upset when he "doesn''t get it".
After the miscarriage, not that you needed to know this but I figured since I''m baring my soul, I''ll tell all, I went into a deep depression. Was on several antidepressants at once, still am on one. I was also diagnosed with OCD as a teenager, so the medication helps that as well. Because I know I have these depressive problems, it''s not as easy for me to let things go as maybe the next person. Matthew really is something for putting up with all the problems I have.
I want things to work out for us. I need to try to put this aside. Sometimes seeing all these pretty diamonds and rings on this site reminds me more of my problem.
He did send me flowers at work yesterday. I guess his way of saying he feels bad about the situation. He already called the jeweler and asked them to bring in some emerald cut stones for us to look at.
Yes, I did know he was kind of the not-so-sensitive type when I married him. He is completely opposite of me (being extremely sensitive) so we kind of balance each other out. I know I sometimes expect him to be a mind reader then get upset when he "doesn''t get it".
After the miscarriage, not that you needed to know this but I figured since I''m baring my soul, I''ll tell all, I went into a deep depression. Was on several antidepressants at once, still am on one. I was also diagnosed with OCD as a teenager, so the medication helps that as well. Because I know I have these depressive problems, it''s not as easy for me to let things go as maybe the next person. Matthew really is something for putting up with all the problems I have.
I want things to work out for us. I need to try to put this aside. Sometimes seeing all these pretty diamonds and rings on this site reminds me more of my problem.
Kaleigh
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Hi Ksimpson,
I am late in welcoming you to PS, but better late than never right. Sounds like you guys are on the road to working this all out and wanted to wish you the very best. Hard situation I'm sure, but you guys have a lot of history together and will work it out. Marriage isn't easy, I've been married almost 20 years and it's still a work in progress!! Does he still get everything, heck no, but we work it out. Best of luck to you guys and am looking forward to seeing your fabulous upgrade!!!
I am late in welcoming you to PS, but better late than never right. Sounds like you guys are on the road to working this all out and wanted to wish you the very best. Hard situation I'm sure, but you guys have a lot of history together and will work it out. Marriage isn't easy, I've been married almost 20 years and it's still a work in progress!! Does he still get everything, heck no, but we work it out. Best of luck to you guys and am looking forward to seeing your fabulous upgrade!!!
mrssalvo
Super_Ideal_Rock
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- Jan 3, 2005
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ok, i've thought about this a bit more. I guess it will just depend on your future lady. As evident in this thread, some could care less, while others wouldn't like it. Maybe the lessen would be to clue her in and see on which side she falls. I must admit, a nice pair of superideal earrings might not be so bad
movie zombie
Super_Ideal_Rock
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- Jan 20, 2005
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so, kate, now that we''re all involved in this with you 
and hubby has the jeweler bringing in emerald cuts to preview, i do hope you''ll post pictures of your ring! i''ve always thought emerald cut is the most sophisticated and yet elegantly simple cut of them all. perhaps a participant could post a picture for kate? and perhaps some info regarding e-cuts?
peace, movie zombie
and hubby has the jeweler bringing in emerald cuts to preview, i do hope you''ll post pictures of your ring! i''ve always thought emerald cut is the most sophisticated and yet elegantly simple cut of them all. perhaps a participant could post a picture for kate? and perhaps some info regarding e-cuts? peace, movie zombie
mrssalvo
Super_Ideal_Rock
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lmurden
Ideal_Rock
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aljdewey
Ideal_Rock
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To me, that really says it all. He''s trying to make things right, and I think that effort speaks volumes.
We can''t expect to see things the same way they do all the time, and we can''t expect them (or us) to never err. What spouses can expect from each other (and what it seems like your hubby is doing) is effort. Can''t get it right all the time, but willing to try and willing to try to make it right when things go awry.
I hope you really enjoy your new upgrade.
tawn
Brilliant_Rock
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Kate,
Maybe this will open up a whole new avenue of communication between you two...and he sounds like he''s trying hard to make things right (which he should). You''ll get your beautiful emerald cut ring, and hopefully the whole situation will bring you closer together rather than tear you apart!
My husband and I went through some tough times several years ago, and I wondered/despaired if things would ever be good between us again. Funny thing is that they got better *slowly*...and now we''re closer and more in tune with each other than we''ve ever been!
One day at a time!
Good Luck!
Maybe this will open up a whole new avenue of communication between you two...and he sounds like he''s trying hard to make things right (which he should). You''ll get your beautiful emerald cut ring, and hopefully the whole situation will bring you closer together rather than tear you apart!
My husband and I went through some tough times several years ago, and I wondered/despaired if things would ever be good between us again. Funny thing is that they got better *slowly*...and now we''re closer and more in tune with each other than we''ve ever been!
One day at a time!
Good Luck!
allycat0303
Ideal_Rock
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Well the ring in by it self isn't a deal breaker, but I would definitely be mad. I'm sure an very large upgrade would calm me down.
That being said, I'm wondering: are all the men on this site saying that they wouldn't mind getting engaged with their ladie's ex-fiance's ring? As in she was engaged before, you want to get engaged, so she says "I have this ring my ex-boyfriend gave me, let's use that?" Personally my boyfriend would give birth to a cow
. Manly pride, ego, etc., whatever, he would never accept this.
That being said, I'm wondering: are all the men on this site saying that they wouldn't mind getting engaged with their ladie's ex-fiance's ring? As in she was engaged before, you want to get engaged, so she says "I have this ring my ex-boyfriend gave me, let's use that?" Personally my boyfriend would give birth to a cow
diamondlil
Ideal_Rock
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- Jun 8, 2003
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Wow, the guy is showing some progress (flowers and requesting emerald cuts to be sent) in the emotion department. Maybe this new ring can serve as a new emotional beginning for the two of you. Put all the bad feelings behind and don''t look back.
ETA - I''ve been married for nearly 20 years and work at it every day.
ETA - I''ve been married for nearly 20 years and work at it every day.
crafftygrrl
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