Advice? Friend received an ex''s e-ring

[kenny]

You know what I find funny about all this?

There is no guarantee that the upgrade will not be from a failed engagement, a divorce, a dead lady, or perhaps even a murder victim who was shot when she was caught in bed with the husband's brother, and father, for the tenth time.

So if women ran the diamond industry they would throw used diamonds away?
Undisclosed used stones is just a reality of the jewelry industry.

Perhaps time spend in a vault clenses the used diamond.
Or perhaps the diamond is purified by all the work the new guy has to do to afford the thing.
Clearly when it comes the the history of your diamond ignorance is bliss.

I mean if you think about it, both symbolism AND practicality is all in our heads.

I guess it's funny to me because I'm a man.

 

[Angel7]

Maybe the problem here is that man don''t understand the "love or attachment" women have with jewelry. It''s just a passion for some. Soooo lets find something men are passionate about and kinda flip the script for them and see how they would react:

For example:
My bf LOVES Mustangs (the car, not the horse

). So let''s say I bought a 2000 Ford Mustang Cobra, intended for an ex that I had a while back, Ex and I parted ways, he gave me the car back, I then go around and give it to my BF. Do you think he would have a problem with that? I''m thinking he may a little but he would take the car no questions asked.

So guys on the board, would you have a problem with a gift that maybe you felt passionatley about or maybe women are just over sensitive? Hmm I''m gonna call bf and see what he says.

 

[IrishEyes]

Oh geez, I just saw this and can''t believe it! I agree with her - I would be livid!! I know it was 8 years ago, I still think she has a right to be mad and he does not. An engagement ring is meant to symbolize the love and committment between two people, as well as represent the tastes and personality of the wearer, the female. I think it''s horrible that he couldn''t even realize this, much less take the time to at least pick out a different ring. Stupid male - different girl should mean different ring!!

I work in a jewelry store and we get men sort of like this all the time. They come in with their girlfriends and the girl will absolutely fall in love with a setting or diamond, while he just grunts and says " I don''t like it, pick something else", much to her despair. Or he will come in alone and say " she really wants a princess cut, but I''ve heard they are crap and don''t like them, so I''m getting her a round cut"

I just want to reach across the counter and smack them and shout THIS ISN''T ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT, IT''S ABOUT HER, DUMBAS*!!!!!

I hope that your friends come to an agreement about the situation and eventually stop being mad at each other. I really don''t know what I would do in that situation, except maybe go out and by the biggest, most expensive upgrade I could find to really make him mad!!!!

Good luck!

 

[platinumrock]

I don''t think this is about the ring. The ring is just a token of her husband''s past....which unfortunately, is connected with an ex, whom he intended to marry. This isn''t just an ex-girlfriend''s picture or letter that she was upset about, it''s an ENGAGEMENT RING!!! The sad part is that he KNEW the ring was intended for the ex, he intended to marry the ex and bought the ring with the EX in mind. This is one of those "what she won''t know won''t hurt her" type of situations, but she did not have the optiion of saying: "Yes, I love you enough to marry you even with your EX''s ring" or "No, I don''t want your ex''s ring, I want my own, so I''ll know it''s intended for me, and I can look at it everyday and smile because of what WE share". SHE DID NOT HAVE THAT OPTION!!! That is what she is upset about! Not the ring. That ring could easily be a car, a house, a furniture or some type of physical remnance of his past relationship.

Would any of you have married or stay to married your man if you knew or did not know that he''s still married to another woman, has a criminal record or has a child out of wedlock? You probably will, you probably won''t. But wouldn''t it be nice if you had that option? Well, this woman never had that option and for EIGHT years, she has been unknowingly wearing a ring that was really intended for someone else. Now, everytime she thinks of those "wonderful" years of marriage, she feels she has been deceived and she will never get them back.

How would HE feel if they had a child and she "failed" to inform him that it''s not his? I know this isn''t the same thing, but the reaction is similar. What if he spent twenty years of his life raising what he thought was his own flesh and blood, only to find out that what he "thought " was his really wasn''t?

Raising someone else''s child or wearing someone else''s ring are different levels of deception, but they certainly are damaging when that person never had the option of saying "yes, I don''t mind" or "no, I want my own".

He screwed up big time, and he needs to own up to that if he wants to gain his wife''s trust back. Whether he is clueless or not, he made a huge mistake and the damage has already been done. He needs to do whatever it takes to help his wife get through this by being supportive and understanding, and OH SO SORRY.

Maybe they can start over by trading in the ex''s ring for a new one. GET RID OF THAT THING!! It will be the ring she''s always wanted. He can surprise her with a new proposal and present her with the ring that she can call "her own". From there, they can build new, happy memories together.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/30/2005 8:17:38 AM
Author: kenny

There is no guarantee that the upgrade will not be from a failed engagement, a divorce, a dead lady, or perhaps even a murder victim who was shot when she was caught in bed with the husband''s brother, and father, for the tenth time.

So if women ran the diamond industry they would throw used diamonds away?
Undisclosed used stones is just a reality of the jewelry industry.

Perhaps time spend in a vault clenses the used diamond.

I think most women would argue there is a difference, Kenny.

Most women know that a diamond may have been previously owned. Just like most guys have dated other women before we meet them.

However, in those scenarios you mention, I reasonably expect that the previous owner of the diamond (divorcee, dead lady, murder victim, failed engagement, etc) wasn''t ever sleeping with my boyfriend/fiance! She likely didn''t even know him.

That''s a whole world different than wearing an ex-fiance''s ring.....another woman who did have an emotional and physical relationship with him.

 

[Odilia]

{{{{diamondlil: Wow, the guy is showing some progress (flowers and requesting emerald cuts to be sent) in the emotion department. Maybe this new ring can serve as a new emotional beginning for the two of you. Put all the bad feelings behind and don''t look back.}}}}}}

I agree totally with that also! He sounds like he is really trying to make up for it.

I totally agree with all the "Venus"es out there; I would be SSSOOOO hurt too. Likewise with the miscarriage etc... But he is from Mars, and so are other men, so as diamondlil said, Put all the bad feelings behind and don''t look back. Appreciate all his good qualities that made you marry him and love him all these years, and try to understand the differences that will always be there between men and women. Marriage is too important.

I also second what aljdewey said, in response to kenny, "

{{{{kenny: There is no guarantee that the upgrade will not be from a failed engagement, a divorce, a dead lady, or perhaps even a murder victim who was shot when she was caught in bed with the husband''s brother for the tenth time. So if women ran the diamond industry they would throw used diamonds away?}}}}}}

{{{{{aljdewey : I think most women would argue there is a difference, Kenny. Most women know that a diamond may have been previously owned. ....However, in those scenarios you mention, I reasonably expect that the previous owner of the diamond (divorcee, dead lady, murder victim, failed engagement, etc) wasn''t ever [proposed to by] my boyfriend/fiance! She likely didn''t even know him....That''s a whole world different than wearing an ex-fiance''s ring.....another woman who did have an emotional relationship with him.}}}}}

It''s TOTALLY different!

 

[fire&ice]

You can''t change men - but you can train them. One big difference between men & women - women like to vent - be it grieving, bitching, any other forms of communication. Men don''t see it as productive talk (as it is to a women). Men try to solve *your* problem. They feel helpless, confused, disingaged, etc when they can not *solve* the problem. Only time, venting through it can solve or resolve the situation. It''s something they have to understand on a concrete level as they can not see it on the abstract.

I can remember when our house was broken into. All my husband wanted to do was solve the problem - getting the door fixed, resolve with the insurance company, help in catching the thieves. All very good - but he couldn''t understand that I couldn''t just get over it with his concrete actions. I felt violated & unsafe. Only time would heal that wound. He had to understand that he could do nothing to *solve* my problem except understand. And understand that my reaction was not one that he let me down that the house was broken into. Men take things as things. Most men want everything to be o.k. with you.

I''m sharing my story because to some extent every women has to deal with the Martian. I think it took more than ten years to train my hubby. And, the training only happens when the two of you are confronted with "problems". One more thing relating to your specific situation - men will never quite understand how hormonal women are. And, how it drives the boat sometimes on it''s own accord.

Good luck. It sounds like he is trying to "solve" the problem w/ engaging in the new ring process. Sometimes you just have to let them solve the problem & overcome the situation with resolve of your own.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/30/2005 10:36:03 AM
Author: platinumrock

Would any of you have married or stay to married your man if you knew or did not know that he's still married to another woman, has a criminal record or has a child out of wedlock?

You are comparing apples to oranges. Still being married to another woman and/or having a criminal record is absoluetly 100% grounds for divorce. Having a child out of wedlock, if you meant he didn't know, not his fault he didn't know. If you meant he cheated which resulted in this child, grounds for divorce. Buying a ring and 're-gifting' is stupid but not grounds for divorce...IMO.

I think some women forget that men are in fact different than us. They don't think nor feel the same as we do. They are not emotional creatures, like we are. I can have a problem with a friend and it ruin my day, week, month, year, whatever. Guys can have a problem with a friend....an hour later they are best buds again.

Granted, if I found out that my BF had given me a ring that he bought when he was with his EX I would be hurt and upset. I would demand that it be replaced and than we would deal with my hurt feelings.....eventually I would get over it. At least this is what I feel would happen. It is not, IMO, grounds for divorce nor grounds for breaking it off with him. I understand that it is a symbol of his promise to marry and his love...to us. But to a lot of guys, it's not, it's just a ring.

Not to be insulting to the guys on this board (you all are great

), but women give guys way too much credit when it comes to emotions and to much credit into knowing how we would feel about things. Yes K's husband knew he was giving her a ring that he bought when he was with another woman. Yes, it was wrong. But I guarantee he didn't have the same emotional connection to that ring that K had when he gave it to her. He probably bought it thinking 'this is what you do when you get engaged, buy a ring'.


K, I'm very sorry you went through such a horrible thing as a miscarrage. When you talk about your husband it reminds me of my friend's husband. He's very emotionless...she is VERY emotional. He doesn't know what to do when she gets like that, so he leaves her be which upsets her and makes it worse. Like you, they are now in therapy trying to work through their communication issues. I wish you the best of luck with everything. Just know that he is making an effort (I assume) to be more emtionally available. It's hard though. I have a problem opening up my feelings because of past issues....my BF doesn't like so I've made an effort to fix it, I can say that changing who I have been for the past 33 years is VERY difficult. So be patient with him. Not that I'm condoning the ring issues, not at all, it was stupid of him.....hopefully he'll make it up to you and when he does make sure he pays.

 

[SoonIHope]

Date: 11/30/2005 11:34:41 AM
Author: fire&ice
One big difference between men & women - women like to vent - be it grieving, bitching, any other forms of communication. Men don''t see it as productive talk (as it is to a women). Men try to solve *your* problem. They feel helpless, confused, disingaged, etc when they can not *solve* the problem. Only time, venting through it can solve or resolve the situation. It''s something they have to understand on a concrete level as they can not see it on the abstract.

I can remember when our house was broken into. All my husband wanted to do was solve the problem - getting the door fixed, resolve with the insurance company, help in catching the thieves. All very good - but he couldn''t understand that I couldn''t just get over it with his concrete actions. I felt violated & unsafe. Only time would heal that wound. He had to understand that he could do nothing to *solve* my problem except understand. And understand that my reaction was not one that he let me down that the house was broken into. Men take things as things. Most men want everything to be o.k. with you.

Wow, I thought this was really perceptive!!! Just sent it to my boyfriend and told him to remember to keep that in mind.

 

[kenny]

Okay women are emotional.
Men are practical.

No exceptions?


Is there one woman here who could go with the practical side here?
Why start a marriage with $5000 fewer dollars in the bank, or $5000 more deeply in debt?

Any woman here?
Even one?

 

[fire&ice]

That''s just it - emotional & practical aren''t mutually exclusive. To add, sometimes emotional can be practical and visa versa.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 11/30/2005 12:21:22 PM
Author: kenny
Okay women are emotional.
Men are practical.

No exceptions?


Is there one woman here who could go with the practical side here?
Why start a marriage with $5000 fewer dollars in the bank, or $5000 more deeply in debt?

Any woman here?
Even one?

And to answer your question - I would spend the 2500 & pocket the remaining 2500.

 

[codex57]

fire&ice, that''s a great example! When faced with a crisis, men immediately want to fix the problem. Any feelings we have get pushed to the back cuz we figure once we fix the problem, there''s no point in dwelling on how this event might have made me feel.

I hope you women all have a very good friend to talk to. Men can try and comfort and understand, but I really doubt we''ll do as good a job as your best friend.

And Angel7, about the mustang, absolutely I''d take it no questions asked. I don''t even love mustangs all that much. I still respect it as the fine automobile it is. Sure it may have been your ex''s, but it''s mine now! To the ex, I''d only have one word to say (especially if the car was his pride and joy)... "Sucker!" Men just see things/objects as things/objects. Any sentimental stuff that it may come with is either not seen at all, or wiped away in an instant.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/30/2005 12:21:22 PM
Author: kenny
Okay women are emotional.
Men are practical.

No exceptions?


Is there one woman here who could go with the practical side here?
Why start a marriage with $5000 fewer dollars in the bank, or $5000 more deeply in debt?

Any woman here?
Even one?

I like my BF practial side. It makes for a safe and secure future.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/30/2005 12:21:22 PM
Author: kenny
Okay women are emotional.
Men are practical.

No exceptions?


Is there one woman here who could go with the practical side here?
Why start a marriage with $5000 fewer dollars in the bank, or $5000 more deeply in debt?

Any woman here?
Even one?

Kenny, don''t be ridiculous.

Of course there are exceptions.

I''m way more practical/analytical than emotional. Things that disrupt my principles bother me more than "fluffy emotional" things. I typically relate much better to men because I''m not all "girlie-touchy-feely"......LOL.

I am one of the women who would go on the practical side, and I wouldn''t let it derail my train to find out something like this. But that doesn''t mean I cannot appreciate the sentiments of the women who ARE more emotional, and I can readily see where some women would have a problem with it.

Yes, I''m the woman who would go with the practical side....but I''m sure I''m in the minority.

 

[Mara]

F&I I actually gave a similar comment to Alj last nite via IM where we were discussing this very topic.

I had said that men are FIXERS..and Greg tells me this himself all the time. They do want things to be okay. If something is wrong, they want to fix it. They will do whatever they can to ''make it right'' for you. That usually includes non-emotional things, like fixing your car or lugging in the tree or putting together the entertainment unit or something that MANLY MEN do !! But when it comes to being emotionally there for you....that''s hard for most men. They don''t understand emotions, especially intense and deep emotions, aka what would have probably been happening around the miscarriage. They can''t deal with your pain and they certainly can''t deal with their own. And the worst part of it is....they can''t fix it. So that makes them feel helpless and most men don''t deal well with feeling helpless. I think it''s very hard for many men to just sit there and hold your hand while you cry or scream. When I have an emotional outburst, which is pretty rare but explosive when it does happen, Greg just sits there and stares at me. I know he is thinking not, wow she''s really upset or I need to comfort her and calm her down and talk about it. Instead it''s one simple line. ''How can I fix this?''.

 

[Kaleigh]

So true Mara. My husband thinks the same way.

 

[Angel7]

Date: 11/30/2005 12:41:44 PM
Author: codex57
fire&ice, that''s a great example! When faced with a crisis, men immediately want to fix the problem. Any feelings we have get pushed to the back cuz we figure once we fix the problem, there''s no point in dwelling on how this event might have made me feel.

I hope you women all have a very good friend to talk to. Men can try and comfort and understand, but I really doubt we''ll do as good a job as your best friend.

And Angel7, about the mustang, absolutely I''d take it no questions asked. I don''t even love mustangs all that much. I still respect it as the fine automobile it is. Sure it may have been your ex''s, but it''s mine now! To the ex, I''d only have one word to say (especially if the car was his pride and joy)... ''Sucker!'' Men just see things/objects as things/objects. Any sentimental stuff that it may come with is either not seen at all, or wiped away in an instant.

I understand. My situation with the mustang was a hypothetical of course but just wanted to gauge some reactions.
Men are dead inside!! Just kidding guys!!

 

[pyramid]

Yes men are practical all right. When KSimpsons husband bought the engagement ring, he either had a bold girlfriend who told him she wanted a princess cut or he went shopping knowing he had to get 'a ring'. Now a man faced with all these different shapes of diamonds in a jeweller would think what shaped does she want so he would ask the woman. When he came to get engaged to KSimpson he did not have this CONFUSION because he already had a ring so in his mind no need to be wondering what shape she wanted.

I think we really need to stop and divide everything up to see how different it is for men than for women.

 

[tawn]

Date: 11/30/2005 12:21:22 PM
Author: kenny
Okay women are emotional.
Men are practical.

No exceptions?


Is there one woman here who could go with the practical side here?
Why start a marriage with $5000 fewer dollars in the bank, or $5000 more deeply in debt?

Any woman here?
Even one?

I think she should have at least been given the choice!

I would wear a $25 gold band from Wal-mart rather than wear an ring that was purchased for and EX-Fiance!

And, I can say that with complete conviction that I could go without a ring because we bought a house 3 weeks before we got married, and I didn''t get my ring until after 11yrs of marriage and 3 houses later!

 

[Shay37]

Date: 11/30/2005 1:07:59 PM
Author: Mara
F&I I actually gave a similar comment to Alj last nite via IM where we were discussing this very topic.

I had said that men are FIXERS..and Greg tells me this himself all the time. They do want things to be okay. If something is wrong, they want to fix it. They will do whatever they can to ''make it right'' for you. That usually includes non-emotional things, like fixing your car or lugging in the tree or putting together the entertainment unit or something that MANLY MEN do !! But when it comes to being emotionally there for you....that''s hard for most men. They don''t understand emotions, especially intense and deep emotions, aka what would have probably been happening around the miscarriage. They can''t deal with your pain and they certainly can''t deal with their own. And the worst part of it is....they can''t fix it. So that makes them feel helpless and most men don''t deal well with feeling helpless. I think it''s very hard for many men to just sit there and hold your hand while you cry or scream. When I have an emotional outburst, which is pretty rare but explosive when it does happen, Greg just sits there and stares at me. I know he is thinking not, wow she''s really upset or I need to comfort her and calm her down and talk about it. Instead it''s one simple line. ''How can I fix this?''.

So true. It''s easier to fix the problem than to deal with emotions surrounding the problem that a lot of men have been raised to believe they are not supposed to feel in the first place.

My DH and I are very good at communicating and I know he is not a mind reader. Sometimes you just have to tell them what you need. My DH may not always know that I need a hug (he''s getting better at seeing it), but I just ask. I say you want to fix this? Wrap me up and hold my heart for a few. It always works for us both. He gets to "fix" me, and I get the hug I need. Just my .02.

As far as Kate''s situation, I agree that it''s okay for her to feel upset and angry. I just do not think it rises to the level of deserving a pile of bitterness on him for the rest of his life. We all make mistakes. If this would bother you, take some moments, wallow in your anger, and then let it go. I know that it''s hard when a practical (over the top) marries an emotional. Maybe just learning to meet him halfway (responding with less gut instincts and more thought first) would show him that it''s okay to show his emotional side (you know he has it). I sometimes think that the men who show it the least are some of the ones who feel this kind of thing very deeply. Yet, they don''t trust emotions so they hide them. I wish both of you the best of luck. It sounds as if you are meeting each other a little closer to the middle.

shay

 

[Odilia]

{{{I would wear a $25 gold band from Wal-mart rather than wear an ring that was purchased for and EX-Fiance! }}}}


Me too!

 

[pyramid]

K Simpson

I wonder if he has an answer to why he did not heed his mother/sisters advice to buy a new ring?

I agree you have the right to be upset as it is a shock to you but maybe he knew no better. Look at all the guys who buy an engagement ring from the mall jeweller with black carbon or clouds in them because they know no better. Many people on here want a different type of diamond once they research them.

 

[codex57]

Date: 11/30/2005 3:57:01 PM
Author: Pyramid
K Simpson


I wonder if he has an answer to why he did not heed his mother/sisters advice to buy a new ring?


I agree you have the right to be upset as it is a shock to you but maybe he knew no better. Look at all the guys who buy an engagement ring from the mall jeweller with black carbon or clouds in them because they know no better. Many people on here want a different type of diamond once they research them.

Unfortunately, she might get as unsatisfying response as when a parent asks a son, "Why''d you did you light that dog turd on fire and throw it at your brother? You know better than that." Sometimes, we just do really stupid things for no real good reason. Thinking back, sure it was dumb, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

He prolly knew she might get mad, but didn''t realize it was so important and that she''d get as mad as she did. He prolly just hoped for the best. After all, why ruin a perfectly good ring? Likely just didn''t wanna go ring shopping again.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/30/2005 4:29:32 PM
Author: codex57


Unfortunately, she might get as unsatisfying response as when a parent asks a son, 'Why'd you did you light that dog turd on fire and throw it at your brother? You know better than that.' Sometimes, we just do really stupid things for no real good reason. Thinking back, sure it was dumb, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

He prolly knew she might get mad, but didn't realize it was so important and that she'd get as mad as she did. He prolly just hoped for the best. After all, why ruin a perfectly good ring? Likely just didn't wanna go ring shopping again.

Codex, TOO FUNNY! SO, SO true! LMAO. My husband and I went to my mother-in-law's house for Thanksgiving this year. We went downstairs to see changes she's made in the backyard. My husband noticed the spray paint still on the side of the foundation, and was telling me a hysterical story on the way home later that night about how he *needed* to spray paint something but needed to make sure the paint was running evenly first.....so he spray painted a random patch on the FOUNDATION OF THE HOUSE!

He said "I cannot even fathom what made me do that....it's such a stupid thing in hindsight, but at the time, it didn't seem like an outrageous thing to do. I can't believe my parents didn't KILL me over that one!" He often says his answer to why he did something (wrong) when he was a kid was "I don't know"....and he truly meant it. He didn't know what made him do such ridiculous things.....it just seemed fun at the time.

I completely agree....didn't figure it was a MORTAL sin, maybe just a minor misdeameanor, and revulsion at the thought of ring-shopping again won out.

 

[ksimpson]

Date: 11/30/2005 3:57:01 PM
Author: Pyramid
K Simpson

I wonder if he has an answer to why he did not heed his mother/sisters advice to buy a new ring?

I agree you have the right to be upset as it is a shock to you but maybe he knew no better. Look at all the guys who buy an engagement ring from the mall jeweller with black carbon or clouds in them because they know no better. Many people on here want a different type of diamond once they research them.

Hi everyone. Still here.

I just figured out how to link a quote, so I''m sorry if I didn''t specifically link to others'' questions before.

I can answer Pyramid''s question because I asked Matthew about it. He said he really did not think I would be as upset as I was. He has a habit of not listening to his mother then getting bit in the behind because of it. He also said he did not want to take out the loan from his parents because of his ego. He had just spent around $6,000 for his ex''s ring and didn''t feel like taking that much money from them.

I really did not want to talk about this subject again but he brought it up last night. I found out that he was more deeply affected by his broken engagement to his ex than I ever realized. Even though he broke it off, she threw the ring in his face and said all sorts of things like how it was cheap and ugly anyway. He said that really bothered him because he had spent a lot of time picking out the princess diamond and setting. He really thought I would like the ring too. I guess that kind of clouded his judgement about giving his ex''s ring to me.

 

[cymbrie]

Wow Ksimpson you have certainly generated a lot of heated discussion. Just a thought maybe you should ask your hubby to read some of these responses from both camps it might be enlightening and put things a little more in perspective for him as well.

I spoke with my fiance and mom about this last night and got responses from both. He totally understood how this could have happened though (being rather the enlightened man that he is) he would likely not do something similar. I will share with you however what he did do with his ex-wife. He had a friend in college who prematurely bought an engagement ring for his gf at the time the gf said no way when he proposed so he kept the ring. When my fiance asked his ex-wife to marry him he asked her permission to buy the diamond off this friend with the ring from his rejected proposal. They were still in college and he didn''t have much money. She agreed and he bought the stone off his friend and had it re-set. So he did the right thing he was honest and up front about everything he did. When he related this story to me I said I would have said no and as some others put it taken the ($25 ring from Walmart). Being a bit superstitious my thought would have been this diamond was bought for another and since that fell through it might in someway translate into our relationship. Yes, I realize this is a completely irrational and emotionally driven response, but note that my fiance did end up divorcing the woman he proposed to with the recycled diamond even though he was upfront and gave her the option to begin with.

Mom as anticipated also said she would NOT accept another woman''s ering.

As to your miscarriage, I am sincerely sorry for your loss we had 2 miscarriages in our extended family earlier this year and I can only imagine the pain it must cause the couples experiencing that loss. Although you may regard your husband''s actions at the time as abandonment or indifference consider for a moment that often when a man suffers loss (and they do suffer as Thoreau I believe put it, forgive the paraphrasing...live lives of quiet desparation) most prefer to be left alone. Many men simply need space to cope and mourn in their own way. People tend to follow the golden rule treat others as you would have them treat you. Where a woman would be attentive and nurturing a man would leave well alone out of respect for the person suffering. He may not have realized what you needed most at the time was his demonstrated love, attention and support he may have thought it best to leave you alone with your grief until you were ready to re-connect. It sounds as though he truly is sorry (through his actions) esp sending the flowers and requesting the jeweler bring in EC''s for your viewing. My folks have been married some 41 years and my fiance''s parents 47 years. My sis and her husband are going on 13 years. ALL have said relationships are a 24 hour 7 day a week job. They need continual nurturing and tending to grow. I have seen this in my experience as well, though I do not have the years amassed in the cases of the aforementioned. Everything happens for a reason, perhaps this will give you and your sweetie the much needed opportunity to re-connect and start communicating in a more productive way. Best of luck to you both and do share pix of your upgrade when you do select the true ring of YOUR dreams

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/30/2005 5:34:13 PM
Author: ksimpson
she threw the ring in his face and said all sorts of things like how it was cheap and ugly anyway. He said that really bothered him because he had spent a lot of time picking out the princess diamond and setting.

WOW!!! I think we may be getting to the bottom of this!! He DOES have feelings...DEEP ones! (This thing coming up in your relationship might actually be a blessing in disguise). I think he felt really, really rejected when he & the ex broke up ... but she didn''t just reject HIM ... she REJECTED THE RING. Think of the ring represeting his heart, his love, his, uh, man parts. Then -- along come you -- you love him, he loves you, he still loves the ring he picked out, and giving you the ring, you accepting it, loving it, loving him gives him vindication. PROVES that the ex was WRONG. (It may have been a little selfish of him - but I doubt he even realized the real reason he was doing it -- though may have now that you''ve been talking about it, and he confessed that "deep dark" secret to you ... which I don''t think most of our guys would have done)

Flowers. Calling in Emerald cuts (even remembering you want an Emerald cut from one moment to the next). Discussions about his feelings. These are all wonderful steps toward making amends. Keep in mind he can''t change what he did eight years ago. No matter how much he wants to. All he can do is give you what you want/need now. Sounds like he''s game.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 11/30/2005 8:54:50 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/30/2005 5:34:13 PM
Author: ksimpson
she threw the ring in his face and said all sorts of things like how it was cheap and ugly anyway. He said that really bothered him because he had spent a lot of time picking out the princess diamond and setting.

WOW!!! I think we may be getting to the bottom of this!! He DOES have feelings...DEEP ones! (This thing coming up in your relationship might actually be a blessing in disguise). I think he felt really, really rejected when he & the ex broke up ... but she didn''t just reject HIM ... she REJECTED THE RING. Think of the ring represeting his heart, his love, his, uh, man parts. Then -- along come you -- you love him, he loves you, he still loves the ring he picked out, and giving you the ring, you accepting it, loving it, loving him gives him vindication. PROVES that the ex was WRONG. (It may have been a little selfish of him - but I doubt he even realized the real reason he was doing it -- though may have now that you''ve been talking about it, and he confessed that ''deep dark'' secret to you ... which I don''t think most of our guys would have done)

Flowers. Calling in Emerald cuts (even remembering you want an Emerald cut from one moment to the next). Discussions about his feelings. These are all wonderful steps toward making amends. Keep in mind he can''t change what he did eight years ago. No matter how much he wants to. All he can do is give you what you want/need now. Sounds like he''s game.

can''t agree with you more!

peace, movie zombie

ps re taking the $$$$ or a ring.....give me the $$$$, honey. that $$$ towards a house would be more important to me. but then, i didn''t grow up wanting a storybook wedding. i always liked jewelry due to an aunt that had great influence on me. call me female AND practical......but i can be emotional as the next venus.

 

[Mara]

ditto deco..(or is that thritto?)...on the thoughts of the first gal rejecting the ring and Kate was the one who accepted him and the ring he loved that the first girl had rejected. maybe he even saw it as an extension of himself since he had put so much care into it...and Kate loved it. validation for him, he got a better girl and she loved his ring.

at this point i don't know if i'd even be viewing it as the ring that was his ex's but rather as an extension of Kate's husbands feelings...and the effort he did put into it.

one other thought is maybe since he did put the effort into that first ring choice and so carefully selected it, then the girl threw it back at him...maybe that is why he doesn't put so much thought into things NOW because he was emotionally scarred about the first experience.

one thought that springs to mind on a lower level but similar example. when we were first dating, greg would bring me a rose sometimes for our dates, i really didn't love getting roses because i grow them but it was a sweet thought for him to do that. well then he eventually stopped buying me flowers. so i was like hey why dont you get me flowers anymore. he said well you didn't seem to REALLY like them.

okay let me say it's taken me YEARS to get him past that to where he started slowly buying me flowers here and there, now he surprises me sometimes with roses on his way home sometimes too. i always make sure to make a huge deal out of how much i love them and put them in a vase and put them in a prominent place! so it's kind of a little joke between us now, but my lack of enough visible appreciation for the flowers originally dug me a ditch that i had to get us both out of if i wanted any future flowers EVER from him!

originally i used to think of it more along the lines of...well i dont love roses so why doesn't he get me something else that i like. but i was thinking too much like a girl. in reality, to get flowers from the guy at all, even bought from the side of the road or a supermarket doesn't have a thing to do with the flowers. it says 'i was thinking of you' and that is the thought that counts.