Advice? Friend received an ex''s e-ring

[ame]

Frankly I think he has ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT AT ALL to be even slightly annoyed let alone mad because she''s so hurt. If my husband did that to me...we''d be in therapy for that and the fact that I beat the hell out of him.

I think that as long as she''s still happy with the guy (upgrade him AND the ring Im thinking...) she can upgrade the ring into something SHE loves and get something that is better than her wildest fantasies.

he''s going to be making this one up to her till he dies.

 

[ksimpson]

Hi everyone. This is Kate. This is my first post. My good friend Pebbles told me about this site and how she has asked for advice on how to handle my situation.

I''ve just read everyone''s replies and I want to thank everyone for all the responses.

I figured it would be fair for me to give a little more background about me and my husband. Sometimes typing all this out helps me sort out my feelings too.

Matthew and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary this July. I would say that we have a good marriage, but we have been through a lot of rough times prior to this ring situation. We have been to counseling together a few times, the first of which was right after we were married as we were both having a lot of trouble adjusting to married life and what we were expecting of each other. We almost divorced about 4 years ago due to some things I don''t want to bring up. We have both been working very hard trying to make our marriage work and to have this come up really throws a monkey wrench in things.

I admit, I am a very emotional person. I probably tend to overreact because of that. I can''t explain how I felt when I first found that receipt for the ring. Furious, hurt, mad, resentful, all those things rolled up into one big fireball. I ran out to Matthew who was changing the oil in the car at the time and just started yelling and screaming, probably not the best way to handle it. He, in his defense, had no idea what I was talking about at first, then when he did, he was acting really defensive about it. I didn''t speak to him for the rest of that day because I was afraid of saying something I would regret.

Matthew is a good guy most of the time, but sometimes he is seriously lacking in the sympathy and feelings department. I won''t go into details, but there have been other things that have come up where I needed him emotionally and he was not there for me. He can be the most loving man one minute, and have the most cold facade the next. I think it may be because I get so emotional he doesn''t know how to handle it. He is also the most practical guy I know, which is probably why he didn''t think twice about reusing his old girlfriend''s ring.

I finally talked with him last night after having the day to calm down. I told him how hurt I was and that what was so hurtful was that he took all this time to pick a ring for his old girlfriend - something SHE would like and how he didn''t do the same for ME. The ring is not horrible, it''s just not me. I have always wanted an emerald cut solitaire; this ring has a princess center and channel set rounds that kind of swirl around it. He proposed in Disney World when we were down there for vacation about a year after we had been dating. I was totally surprised. We never went ring shopping but we had discussed getting married. He went into this whole story on how he spent all this time picking out this ring for "the love of his life". Well, this "love of his life" wanted an emerald cut solitaire. Maybe the other "love of his life" wanted a princess cut.

His response to me last night was that he never thought I would be this upset over it (boy was he wrong!) He didn''t know until after we were married that I really wanted an emerald cut. He knew I would eventually find out about it and had debated telling me, but figured maybe by the time I found out enough time would have passed where I wouldn''t be as upset. He said he didn''t think about returning it after he broke off the engagement to his ex because he knew he would get next to nothing for it. Resetting the princess diamond didn''t occur to him. He did say he wants to make it up to me now. I can pick out whatever I want. He never really said "I''m sorry" because he never admits he was wrong. I told him that I don''t get over things so easily and that it will take time for the hurt to go away. I hope it goes away soon. I tend to hold onto things for a long time.

I know I have to let it go. He knows he screwed up and I have to not throw it in his face. It''s just not easy for me to just get over it.

This whole ring experience was supposed to be fun and it has just turned into a disaster. Matthew wants to go looking tonight at rings but this is still too fresh for me. Maybe in a few days.

Thank you for all your responses. You all are better people than me right now.

 

[Angel7]

Welcome Kate! Don''t feel like you have to apoligize for your feelings. You have every right to be upset.
I''m glad you talked to your husband and I''m sorry you are feeling so disappointed. I think you can tell that A LOT of people here would have reacted the same way! It seems like he did it out of "guy ignorance" and not because he thought it would hurt you as much as it did. It seems like he''ll do anything to make it up to you now.
But now, you can move on and UP with that new upgrade. You''ve come to the right place. There are tons of resources and people on PS to help you find that perfect Emerald you''ve always wanted!

Do your best to move past those bitter feelings and try to get excited for ring shopping.

Good Luck.

 

[Lorelei]

Ksimpson welcome

Goodness, it''s difficult but I know I would feel the same way that he spent all this time picking out a ring for his ex, yet didn''t think it necessary to do the same for me

I would be furious and hurt too. However there are a lot of emotions tied up with this, maybe if you try to see it from his point of view, as many have said, some guys just don''t get it

To him, hey, it was a ring with a diamond in and he paid a lot of money for it, it''s pretty, why not give it to you, blah blah - ideal solution in his mind. Now, practical he may be, and this was probably colouring his thinking, he was one of those guys who didn''t realize the emotional significance of an e-ring to a woman, the pain that it can cause in giving her " leftovers" belonging to someone else would make her feel unimportant and that any old ring would do. she would get what she was given and that her preferences were unimportant. I am not saying this would be the case with ALL women, but plenty would feel that way.

I am not defending him here, but try to understand if you can that he made a mistake, at the time he probably thought it was ok to do it and now knows he goofed BIG TIME. Try to move on from this if you can, it is early days and your nerves and emotions are probably heightened and looking at rings is the last thing you want to do. When you feel a little better, try to let it go a bit and realise that sometimes guys minds work in a completely different way to ours, talk to him calmly and let him know how bad you feel about it and why and make a plan between you as to what you can do to mend things. When you both feel ready, maybe start checking out those emerald cuts, a new lovely ring might signify a new start together and be a symbol of all you have weathered as a couple and your commitment rather than a replacement e-ring. I hope this helps and I wish you good luck and hope you can find a way to work through this

 

[lmurden]

Welcome Ksimpson,

I'm so happy that you shared your story with us!!!

I hope that everything will work out for you and that you will find a way to forgive him. Most of all, I hope that your husband has learned from this experience and that he will be more sensitive to your feelings. Good luck! Please let us know what new ROCK you get. Thanks again.

P.S. Thank goodness for pricescope!

 

[widget]

Author: ksimpson
Thank you for all your responses. You all are better people than me right now.

Nonsense! It's really easy for all of us in the "peanut gallery" expound on how we'd react if we were in your shoes. Your feelings are yours, and completely valid.

I'm so glad to hear that you guys are talking this out. One "upside" to situations like this is that the end result often is two people understanding each other a little better.

I agree that selecting a new ring should be great fun, and it might be better to wait a bit before embarking on that adventure together.

Wounds do take a little time to heal, and feelings can't be turned off like a faucet. That said, healing can be expedited with continued communication, reflection, and if need be, a session or two with a counseler.

You have my sincerest sympathy and best wishes, KS....and my hope that you're feeling better very soon.

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[Caribou]

Hi Kate

I''m sorry about all your hurt feelings. Guys can be so stupid sometimes.

I''m glad you both talked after you had calmed down and he understands. Hopefully you will be able to forgive your husband and move on. I think it''s easy for some to say what they would do in the same situation but I''ve learned over the years through my life experiences that it''s easy to say what you wouldn''t deal with until put in that situation.

You''ve had 8 years with this man and from what you said you''ve had to work at them. You both obviously love each other enough to make the effort to get through those tough times. Hopefully, he''ll help you through this and your hurt will gradually go away. To me, it''s a start that he is making the effort by ring shopping with you.

 

[allycat0303]

Ksimpson,

Welcome to Pricescope! I''m so sorry that you found this site after something so hurtful.

Personally I would be LIVID. I agreed with Ame we''d be in therapy cause I killed him (if I was feeling generous

). So I don''t think that you are overreacting at all. Everyone reacts differently to these kinds of situations, and there''s no right, or wrong way to feel. If your mad, hurt, etc., that''s how you feel, and you totally have the right to feel like that. And the fact that he incorperated how he spent all this time picking out the ring for the "love of his life". Well I can''t see how you WOULDN''T be hurt.

I think it''s a cheap, tacky thing to do, but I don''t think it is necessarily a reflection of how he feels about you. He might not attach that much important to a ring, seeing it as a material thing, and not as a symbol of your love.

If you upgrade was supposed to be x, I think it should be 2x now. I hope very much that you are able to work these things out.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/29/2005 10:07:38 AM
Author: Starset Princess

I''m sorry Mara but I believe you would admittedly be more upset than you''re letting on. What was Greg''s ex-girlfriend''s name? Let''s say your first e-ring was picked out for her and she wore it for a spell. There''s no sting in your stomach? If you HONESTLY put yourself in this woman''s shoes, you''d feel that sting, too.

Starset, you don''t know Mara......at all.

I know her extremely well, so I can assure you that she''s not being *dishonest* or kidding herself on how she''d feel. She doesn''t get sentimental about *objects*......it''s just not her.

I can understand and respect that you feel differently, but it''s a bit presumptuous for you to suggest that everyone else should feel as you feel about it, and that those who don''t aren''t "admitting" how they''d really feel.

Trust me on this one......she would have absolutely no sting about it. Just not who she is.

 

[diamondlil]

Welcome Ksimpson.
I''d be upset if I got his ex''s ring, but I''d definitely get over it -- especially once I had my fantastic upgrade on my finger.

The thing that would bother me is that he gave you a story about picking out just the right ring for the love of his life and was saying it to you at the time. It would be easier to take if he had never played it up like that.

At this point, it''s water under the bridge. I''d get a nice upgrade and let it go. There is so much more to your marriage than that.

 

[Caribou]

Some of the posters who have said they would be very angry have been married awhile, only been married for a short while, engaged, or not engaged yet (me). I wonder if those who are not yet married or been married for a short while would all feel the same way 10 years down the road. In 10 years would it still be worth 'kiling him' or the threat of a divorce. After all it is just a 'ring'.....I wouldn't give up on a marriage because of a ring. He would certainly have a lot of making up to do BUT I know my boyfriend and love him and I know he loves me...I feel very lucky to have him and if he were to do something like give me a ring that he bought for someone else, what would I do? It's a good question, I don't really know for sure..I know I'd be hurt but I don't think it's the end of the world.

 

[Mara]

Date: 11/29/2005 12:54:05 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 11/29/2005 10:07:38 AM
Author: Starset Princess

I''m sorry Mara but I believe you would admittedly be more upset than you''re letting on. What was Greg''s ex-girlfriend''s name? Let''s say your first e-ring was picked out for her and she wore it for a spell. There''s no sting in your stomach? If you HONESTLY put yourself in this woman''s shoes, you''d feel that sting, too.

Erin, I can most assuredly tell you that I would not be so upset about it that I would let it color my life with my husband. I would think that the fact that I have upgraded my ring ~3 times already within 2 years of marriage would hold some clue to the fact that I don''t really hold much significant emotion on this ring set or the stones. Sure they are beautiful, but I don''t feel like Greg''s love for me is wrapped in these small pieces of metal and diamonds. I really just like the rings and big diamonds! I think that much of the time too much emphasis is placed on the rings around here as being indicative of feelings or how healthy the relationship is. Of course this is a diamond forum but in reality the rings are superflous.

They don''t make a whit of difference in the marriage itself.

Notice I am not saying Kate has no right to be upset...of course she does, her husband was pretty clueless to how she may feel. But it''s all about shades of gray, as in any marriage...you have to weigh your thoughts and emotions against what you say because words can wound, just like actions. Kate, be upset, but let him make it up to you. You are in this together.

Greg''s ex-girlfriend''s name...honestly I have forgotten it, because if we refer to her, we call her Drama Chick. Part of the reason why she didn''t last. Now SHE probably would have freaked out and given him a lifetime of hell over something like this.

 

[mrssalvo]

I've got to go with the I'd be upset crowd. Especially if I wore a ring for 8 years that I didn't like b/c I thought he picked it out for "the love of his life." I do agree with Mara, that I would have asked a ton of questions way back when and would have found out the truth long before now, but i'm nosy like that too

. I read into to everything and would start wondering if there were other things he was hinding or forgetting to mention. I'm quick to anger/hurt but very quick to forgive
and I would forgive him because I love him and understand he was being an assclown and let him make it up to me by buying me a huge upgrade. It sounds like he wants to move along by offering to take you ring shopping tonight to get you want you really want. It doesn't mean you won't still feel hurt but I would want to get on with things quickly and find something to be happy about.

and Perry, I would not want diamonds you spent over a month looking for, putting you heart and soul into to give to someone else. That would just be weird to me. I would rather my hubby take a $$ loss, use them toward and upgrade, whatever, and re buy for ME than wear something he'd bought for someone else, that she's even handled. I'm not overly sentimental, I'd gladly give up diamonds he bought me for upgrades but to give me something he'd intended to give to someone else..i wouldn't like it at all.


ETA: and I've been married 5 years

 

[Mara]

Date: 11/29/2005 1:03:07 PM
Author: Caribou
Some of the posters who have said they would be very angry have been married awhile, only been married for a short while, engaged, or not engaged yet (me). I wonder if those who are not yet married or been married for a short while would all feel the same way 10 years down the road. In 10 years would it still be worth ''kiling him'' or the threat of a divorce. After all it is just a ''ring''.....I wouldn''t give up on a marriage because of a ring. He would certainly have a lot of making up to do BUT I know my boyfriend and love him and I know he loves me...I feel very lucky to have him and if he were to do something like give me a ring that he bought for someone else, what would I do? It''s a good question, I don''t really know for sure..I know I''d be hurt but I don''t think it''s the end of the world.

Thank you SO much for mentioning this Caribou. I wanted to say it but figured I was being the voice of dissention deeply enough for now.

I feel the same way exactly. I think it''s interesting that some of the strongest reactions come from LIW''s or newly engaged or marrieds whereas more of the longer-marrieds seem to have more of a ''yeah that sucks but you gotta move on'' attitude about it.

 

[fire&ice]

Hope the upgrade goes smoother now & you will have the ring of *your* dreams.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/29/2005 1:21:04 PM
Author: Mara

Thank you SO much for mentioning this Caribou. I wanted to say it but figured I was being the voice of dissention deeply enough for now.

I feel the same way exactly. I think it''s interesting that some of the strongest reactions come from LIW''s or newly engaged or marrieds whereas more of the longer-marrieds seem to have more of a ''yeah that sucks but you gotta move on'' attitude about it.

Not a problem Mara.

For me, I care more about being my BF''s wife than a ring...albeit, I want a ring. He can afford to buy me one so it''s not an issue. But if he couldn''t than I would be willing to go without. If he couldn''t afford for the reasons for this thread (purchased a ring for his EX) I would even be willing to take that diamond and have them reset with the understanding that when he could afford to buy one we would upgrade for what I wanted. I would be upset if he gave me the exact same ring BUT I love him more than anything material. Even if I found out before we were married, I think I''d get over it.

Saying all this.....there was a time when I felt the same as many posters who think he''s an a*hole for giving her a ''used'' ring. But the love I feel for my BF is much different from any love I''ve felt with anyone I''ve ever been with. It''s changed my views of the way I think and what''s more important to me...being his wife or a diamond ring.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 11/29/2005 1:21:04 PM
Author: Mara

Date: 11/29/2005 1:03:07 PM
Author: Caribou
Some of the posters who have said they would be very angry have been married awhile, only been married for a short while, engaged, or not engaged yet (me). I wonder if those who are not yet married or been married for a short while would all feel the same way 10 years down the road. In 10 years would it still be worth ''kiling him'' or the threat of a divorce. After all it is just a ''ring''.....I wouldn''t give up on a marriage because of a ring. He would certainly have a lot of making up to do BUT I know my boyfriend and love him and I know he loves me...I feel very lucky to have him and if he were to do something like give me a ring that he bought for someone else, what would I do? It''s a good question, I don''t really know for sure..I know I''d be hurt but I don''t think it''s the end of the world.

Thank you SO much for mentioning this Caribou. I wanted to say it but figured I was being the voice of dissention deeply enough for now.

I feel the same way exactly. I think it''s interesting that some of the strongest reactions come from LIW''s or newly engaged or marrieds whereas more of the longer-marrieds seem to have more of a ''yeah that sucks but you gotta move on'' attitude about it.

Yeah, you learn to pick your battles. You will be weary if every thing sticks to you.

Oh, and I can assure each and everyone of you that since my 3c anni ring, we are much much happier as a couple. The ring made all the difference in the world in our relationship.

About the only difference is that my driving skills have suffered because I love to stare at the bling whilst driving.

Seriously, it''s just a ring. And, I think he had a guy moment.

 

[movie zombie]

welcome to pricescope, kate. hell of a way to find us, though!

in his own way, i think your husband has said he is sorry. men do not like to go shopping for anything much less jewelry so the fact that he is wants to go tonight may be an indication of how much he cares about you,how sorry he is, and how much he wants to make it up to you.

i hope you start shopping for that emerald cut sooner rather than later. having something to look forward to, making it happen, etc. can help to occupy your mind so that it doesn''t stay stuck in the hurt place and also gives you the opportunity to involve your husband in this and perhaps heal some of those wounds between the two of you.

good luck and happy shopping!

peace, movie zombie

 

[Erin]

Aljdewey, thanks for your response on my comment to Mara.




There are bigger issues in life than diamonds. And, I don''t think this issue should make her question or color her marriage. I would upgrade my diamond without blinking, too - I''m not sentimentally attached to a diamond I was proposed to.

However, I doubted that you would be laughing hysterically at the thought of wearing a ''pear'' shaped diamond for the last 8 years that was chosen specifically for Ms. Drama Chick because that''s what she liked. That''s not a silly thing to be upset about.

 

[abradabra]

Date: 11/29/2005 2:21:41 PM
Author: Starset Princess

There are bigger issues in life than diamonds. And, I don''t think this issue should make her question or color her marriage. I would upgrade my diamond without blinking, too - I''m not sentimentally attached to a diamond I was proposed to.

However, I doubted that you would be laughing hysterically at the thought of wearing a ''pear'' shaped diamond for the last 8 years that was chosen specifically for Ms. Drama Chick because that''s what she liked. That''s not a silly thing to be upset about.

I''m afraid I disagree. I think that it is entirely valid for someone to be upset by the above scenario, but it is also silly. As you admit yourself, the event shouldn''t cause Kate to question/color her relationship. I would argue that the only things that aren''t "silly" to be upset about are the ones that should cause you to color/question your marriage. That''s just me--I think the bulk of what upsets people (myself included) is silly.

However, it doesn''t really matter whether or not it is silly, valid, etc. for Kate to be feeling a certain way. That''s the way she feels and she and her husband need to find a way for her to not be upset by it anymore. Which is not an enviable task. Kate, I cannot begin to presume what would get you to that point, but I sincerely hope that it is an easy process for you and your husband. You two have clearly been through a lot together and I hope that you come through this stronger than ever.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/29/2005 2:21:41 PM
Author: Starset Princess
However, I doubted that you would be laughing hysterically at the thought of wearing a ''pear'' shaped diamond for the last 8 years that was chosen specifically for Ms. Drama Chick because that''s what she liked. That''s not a silly thing to be upset about.

No it''s not a silly thing to be upset about but did you marry the man or the diamond?

And who said anything about anyone laughing hysterically in regards to this?? I think we''ve all admited that we would be upset about it? But what some of us are saying is it wouldn''t be a deal breaker and I, anyway, would get over it.

 

[glitterata]

Did anybody read "Daniel Deronda," by George Eliot? The heroine, Gwendolen, is being courted by the evil Mr. Grandcourt. His mistress comes to her and tells Gwendolen that her two children are Grandcourt''s and that Grandcourt promised to marry her. Gwendolen is appalled and agrees not to marry him. But she does anyway, for his money. The mistress sends her a diamond necklace that Grandcourt gave her. Grandcourt, who''s a horrible sadist, makes Gwendolen wear the necklace.

Okay, it''s not exactly the same situation, but it has similar elements.

I would hate to wear an ex''s engagement ring. I''d rather wear a plain gold band, or no ring at all. After all, an engagement ring is supposed to be the symbol of your relationship. Wearing the symbol of his past, failed relationship seems to defeat the purpose.

In this case, Matthew knew he was doing something that would bother Kate--otherwise he wouldn''t have told her the whole story about carefully choosing the ring for the "love of his life." (I would find that particularly insulting, since it suggests that Kate isn''t the love of his life, the other girl is.) So to me, that sort of nixes the idea that he just didn''t know it would be important to her.

I agree that if they''re going to stay married, they have to find a way to get past this. But that way can''t just be telling Kate to forget about it. He has to understand how upset she is and geuinely, sincerely apologize. And she has to accept the apology.

 

[MrsS]

She needs to trade the ring and be done with it. Life is just too short to get worked-up over this!!! She will have a new, beautiful ring that is all hers! It was a stupid move on his part, but there are so many more things to get upset about!

My wonderful DH paid for his X to get a "lift" (per her request), and she promised repayment. Well, they broke up and he eventually sent her an email asking for his money. After quite a long battle, they agreed that she would pay a percentage. She sent the check recently, and also included every piece of Yurman he ever bought her. I am sure out of spite, but the value of it would have more than covered the difference.

I came home from work one day to see all this beautiful jewelry on the kitchen table. I got excited, and then asked where it came from...he said "I gave it to X over the course of our relationship. I know you like Yurman. Do you want it?"... He honestly and truly had absolutely no idea what he was asking. We donated it to a local charity auction.

I realize her situation is different, but my point is that I don't think most men attach the same emotion to jewelry as most women do...Venus vs. Mars.

 

[pyramid]

Date: 11/29/2005 10:45:45 AM
Author: ksimpson

He proposed in Disney World when we were down there for vacation about a year after we had been dating. I was totally surprised. We never went ring shopping but we had discussed getting married. He went into this whole story on how he spent all this time picking out this ring for 'the love of his life'.

I am reading what he said a different way from others here. I know that men really do seem to think differently from us. I think what he is meaning here is that he spent a lot of time picking out this ring for the love of his life which he knew now was you. Maybe he saw the ring as belonging to him, as his ring, and he was giving it to you. In other words he gave it to another who did not turn out to be the love of his life so he kept it for the real one, you. I believe that even if this is how he was thinking he would never tell you as men cannot seem to put things into words and anyway he may feel that it would be taken wrongly (mentioning the ring was given to another) which maybe it has been here.

 

[onedrop]

I''d skipped over this thread a couple of times, but when I saw it had gone to 3pages I had to see what was going on. If I found myself in a situation like this I think I''d be upset/hurt but doubt I''d end the relationship over it. However, I read something in Kate''s response to indicate that her reaction to the ring situation might be a "the-straw-that-broke-the-camel''s -back" type of thing. After a string of instances where her husband was maybe less than empathetic, finding out the info about the history of the ring might push one to the edge.

Kate, hopefully you''ll work through this issue with your husbad and that your upgrade will something that you feel is truly yours.

 

[onedrop]

Sorry..double post.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/29/2005 4:12:55 PM
Author: glitterata

After all, an engagement ring is supposed to be the symbol of your relationship.

I don''t believe so.

The engagement ring is given and worn as a sign of betrothal. The engagement ring symbolizes the promise to marry.

It''s the wedding band that symbolizes the relationship; it is a symbol of the vows you take to forge your life together.

 

[movie zombie]

very perceptive,onedrop.

peace, movie zombie

 

[roppongi]

Kate....welcome to Pricescope! I think that you should definitely stick around and enjoy the forum. The people here are a lively and energetic crowd and incredibly educated and passionate about their jewelry. Clearly this topic has roused the interest of the PS Community and has really made most of us think about who we are on all different levels of our relationship.

Your feelings are valid and you have the right to go through all the emotions that you want to feel. However, I urge you not to spend too much time dwelling on or in the past as no good can come of it. Perhaps your new ring can be about your future and what you and your husband want from it. Perhaps getting it blessed (if you are religious and sentimental) can help you move on from the past.

The ring that I hold closest and dearest to my heart is my wedding band. That ring signifies my entire relationship and our committment to each other. Remember your vows...it was made with your wedding ring

 

[codex57]

Ok, I gotta pipe in for the males again since i see a men are from mars, women are from venus situation starting again.

First of all, welcome to PS, ksimpson.

Now, I see you guys are jumping all over the husband cuz he spent all that time picking out the ring for "the love of his life". Since the dude sounds like your average male (out changing the oil of his car, refusing to admit he's wrong, etc), I think I know what was going on through his head.

The first scenario is that he didn't know what that first g/f wanted. Spent a bunch of time, hating every minute of it, finding a nice sized and quality ring. Since that g/f is the love of his life, he'll give this ring he spent so much grueling time choosing to this girl. All that effort is the guy's symbol of how much he loves her. Many guys want the ring to be a surprise (like me) and most don't ask enough (guys don't communicate, just compare length of telephone conversations btw men and women) to find out exactly what the girl likes. A princess cut is an extremely practical choice. It's cheaper. I thought briefly about going that route until I decided it was better to spoil the surprise a little and ask what style my then g/f liked. Turns out, she liked round brilliants. Oops. Good thing I sucked up my pride and asked. Many guys wouldn't have asked. In short, he didn't know what ex-g/f wanted and gave her a ring he himself thought was good and hoped she liked it. Meaning, he picked the ring regardless of the tastes of the girl and just hoped the girl he gave it to liked it as well.

Scenario 2 is even if he had a hint (since you never straight up told him) that you wanted a marquis, he might have figured it was close enough. After all, when a guy thinks diamond, he thinks the round kind. Everything else falls into the "other" shape category. Since they tend to be cheaper, we think they're a better deal. Hey, it's a freaking diamond. I paid a ton of money for this and spent a ton of time picking this thing out. How can she not like it? I'm supposed to have a ring when I propose, this one should be perfect!

Notice a lot of that "symbol of our love," "symbol of our marriage" crap is not in there? Yes, I said crap cuz all that stuff is just unfathonable noise to the average guy. We're wired differently. Holy crap I saw so many responses (which is why I had to write another long post) where I was like, "Oh my god! Thank god I didn't marry her!" I'm not naming names and there weren't all that many, but there were enough out there to scare a guy who's been trained well enough to understand where you girls are comign from.

I've been working over 10+ years trying to be more "sensitive" and understand where girls are coming from but a lot of that stuff still goes way over my head. It can be really hard for many guys to get this stuff. And I'm trying to also.

There was a beautiful Budweiser (I think) commercial that emphasizes how guys just don't think. This dude walks into the gas station to pay for gas. He looks up and sees a rack full of cards. You can see the lightbulb go off in his head and he grabs a random card. Doesn't look at it. Just buys it along with some snacks. Goes home and gives it to his g/f. Apparently, it's some special occasion. She happily accepts the card, reads it, and gushes over the sentimental words. The dude's visibly relieved to see that she's happy.

The commercial rings true with guys everywhere cuz it's so true. You gals may think he was totally insensitive for not reading the card, but even if he had, it wouldn't have made a difference. It's a freaking crapshoot so most guys just throw up their hands, make a random choice, and hope for the best. The best example why is in this very thread. There was an argument over whether a whole new ring was needed or whether just a new setting.

ksimpson, I'm glad to hear the two of you are trying to work it out. Sounds like you have something real special going on. No, it's not perfect, but no marriage is. Just don't beat him over the head with this the rest of his life. And, remember, he's gonna screw up again. Just explain why you're upset calmly and eventually, he'll go from completely confused to just slightly confused. He'll never turn into a gay man. You gotta accept that. If he did, he wouldn't want you to remember. I know you want to hear him apologize, but it sounds like he's not the type to. However, as someone pointed out, you can tell he's sorry. Why? Cuz he's already offering to let you pick out whatever ring you want. He's even bugging you to go with him to go check stuff out. That's not normal guy behavior. That's the behavior of a guy who's sorry and is trying to make you feel better. Take some time to cool off, and then later, talk things over with him and then go pick out your new upgrade. Good luck to the both of you.