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Am I Cheap

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jacknovak

Rough_Rock
Joined
Apr 23, 2005
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I''''m unemployed but have about 35k saved in the bank, though that will all be taxed at the end of the year so realistically I have about 23k in the bank. I bought an engagement ring that cost $3600 - it has good color, etc..... but its only .85 carat. My salary before I was laid off was $73,000.

I''''m getting grief from my fiance that the ring is less than a carat and that I don''''t care about her. What set this off is I mentioned I wanted to buy a drumset for $4k when I get another job...

Am I cheap?
 
Not cheap, but sorry to hear that you lost your job.

Well, next time you will get better job and afford better ring.

Good Luck for you Job Search..
 
Heaven''s no!!! I''m sorry to say this, but I believe in honesty: your fiance needs to grow up. She should be happy that you want to spend the rest of your life with her instead of complaining about a diamond size. .85 is a great size! In fact, most women start with under a carat and upgrade later, if they feel it is necessary. I can''t believe that she would rather you bust your bank account for a bigger diamond than save some of your money for other important things like bills, food, the wedding, etc.
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I''m sorry that you feel cheap, but I disagree. I hope things work out for you!
 
No you are not cheap and if is the thanks you get after buying a lovely diamond for her when you are out of work, then maybe that tells you something about her. It should be about your engagement, spending a life together. .85 is by no means small. I wish you well.
 
what about waiting to get engaged until you have a new job? or getting engaged with no ring for now? then she could have the ring she wanted and you could have the drumset you wanted and all would be kosher.
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i think her saying you don''t care about her was just a heat of the moment thing, it could be she views the smaller ring as a sacrifice she had to make and is a bit bitter that first thing after you get another job that you want to buy yourself something you have your heart set on whereas maybe she did not get what she had HER heart set on. just a different perspective. take away the e-ring/emotion portion of it and think about it if she had a hobby and she really wanted XYZ but had to get 1/2 of XYZ due to budget constraints and then when the money does become available, it goes to get something you want, but the whole thing.

dunno if that applies but it is possibly a less emotional way to view it.

maybe just don''t talk about the drum set anymore and promise her an upgrade to the diamond when times are better.
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You – cheap? Maybe.
Her – golddigger? Probably

This is not a competitive sport. How much you have in savings is irrelevant although I admire your foresight in considering your tax situation despite your present situation. Don’t buy the drums until your financial situation improves and then consider them in context. If you have combined your finances by then, then they will be her drums too and she gets a vote about what, when and how to buy them. If she wants a bigger diamond, you get a vote. These are not incompatible goals. The idea that buying a diamond for ‘only’ 36 bills is somehow evidence that you don’t care about her is ridiculous and, in my opinion, evidence of a serious underlying problem.


Neil Beaty
GG(GIA) ISA NAJA
Independent Appraisals in Denver
 
It sounds like she sees your drumset as a bit of a "frivolous" or "fun" purchase and is hurt that you are willing to spend more on it (once you get a job) than you were on her engagement ring. Granted, you bought the ring when you were unemployed and you aren''t planning to buy the drumset until you are employed, but still -- your willingness to spend more on a drumset than on her is probably making her feel a bit second-rate. In her mind, it seems that you care more about the drums than you do her.

I agree with Mara -- if you''re open to the idea, talk to her about the possibility of upgrading her diamond when times get better. And don''t bring up the drums in conversation anymore.
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First of all--sorry to hear about your job. I hope a new opportunity emerges vey soon.

This is the first "test" of your marriage....You lost your job and are presumably under great stress, and she is whining about a bigger ring? We don''t know the whole story here but yes, at first blush, she sounds rather spoiled. It''s okay to want a bigger ering (after 8 years of marriage and a lot of tough times, I got mine) but to bring it up as you lost your job is insensitive at the very least, IMO.

And if I might be so bold, once you get a new job and get married, make it your goal to get to the point where you can live on one salary or close to it. Live beneath your means is the overall phrase for it. In today''s world, there is no employer loyalty and you don''t want to be living for a house, car or anything else and then one day poof! half your household income goes up in smoke.
 
Jennifer hit the nail on the head so to speak. Just wish I could have said it so elequently!!
 
Yeah, you''re cheap.
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So what ? YOU are what she is getting and the SIZE of the rock doesn''t MEAN anything. If she really does think that you are cheap and she can''t live with that, then you''re both in for a tough time. Sounds like you two need to have a little talk about what''s important to each of you and how each of you is going to get what you want. If she''s relying on you to provide everything and you''re not thinking along those lines, well trouble''s brewing in paradise. If possible, have a deep meaningful talk about what''s up with this and make sure that you''re both going in the same direction, other wise she''s in for big time dissapointment and you may be in for someone who thinks that they can change you, (not likely). Best of luck !
 
you know, when I finally got a diamond, I was so happy. I didn''t help in the shopping, I was surprised. So my hubby paid for the diamond. But then when I went shopping for a new setting, he didn''t help me at all with that. I paid for my setting. But we are married now, and that pretty much means that we paid for everything together, regardless of the fact that we weren''t married right when we got the rings. Tell her to throw some of her own money in if she wants something more.

Not living beyond your means is oh so important as Jennifer said, and I think you are doing the right thing by contemplating what you have now and what you might have later. You should definitely discuss it together and be positive.

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your job. But things will turn around for you. Best of luck.
 
Traditionally, you are supposed to spend approximately one month''s salary on an engagement ring, so technically you shouldn''t be buying a ring if you are unemployed, but conversely you should have bought a ring costing around $6k when you earned $73k. Perhaps that''s why your fiancee isn''t exactly pleased.However, it''s not the end of the world and I agree with those who advise an upgrade later. I actually kept my original "chip" of an e-ring for sentimental reasons even though I got a larger diamond later in a new ring.
Best of luck in the job hunt!
Ann
 
Date: 4/23/2005 7:20:21 PM
Author:jacknovak
I''m unemployed but have about 35k saved in the bank, though that will all be taxed at the end of the year so realistically I have about 23k in the bank. I bought an engagement ring that cost $3600 - it has good color, etc..... but its only .85 carat. My salary before I was laid off was $73,000.

I''m getting grief from my fiance that the ring is less than a carat and that I don''t care about her. What set this off is I mentioned I wanted to buy a drumset for $4k when I get another job...

Am I cheap?
Click to expand...
Forgive my bluntness but it sounds like your fiance isnt really in love or caring much about you if she cares so much about the price and size. Does she want a marriage or a freaking bauble to show off?

From my fiance, and I wholeheartedly agree: Maybe you should put her in her place or say "yknow what nevermind, evidently my gesture of love isn''t good enough and maybe I am not good enough, so maybe Ill just return it and you won''t have me or a ring at all to disappoint you with my apparently disgustingly small and cheap choice of rings".

Both he and I are sitting here thinking "wow, he''s unemployed and has a great deal still saved up and spent some of that on her regardless of the fact that he has nothing coming in right now. He''s a pretty swell guy to do something like that and all she cares about is that he didn''t blow enough of his savings on her stupid ring."
 
Once again ame says exactly what I am thinking, but a little scared to say!!! Listen to the advice you have been given here. It''s all out of best wishes for you and your fiance.
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Was your girlfriend upset about the size of the diamond *before* you mentioned the $4000 drumset you want to buy?

If not, then it seems like she was just feeling hurt about the fact that you plan to buy something for yourself that costs more than the diamond for her engagement ring-- and to be honest, that might have teed me off as well if I were her. If you are having financial problems, you shouldn''t be buying a big diamond that will put you in debt-- but you shouldn''t be thinking about pricey drums either.
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Now, if she was whining about a "small" .85 carat ring *before* you even brought up the drums idea, I''d say she''s a spoiled girl, and maybe has her priorities screwed up.
 
I don''t think you''re being cheap at all. Seems a bit silly to me to put the "1 ct" mark as being what will mean you really care about her.

The whole 2 month''s salary thing is a load of crap, in my opinion. Each person should work out for themselves what they can afford, and that''s what you''ve done. My fiance is also going to be out of work soon after working for a great salary for a number of years. He set a budget of $5000 which is no where near 2 months salary for him (and probably isn''t even one month''s salary). For a man who isn''t into expensive gifts or jewelry and would rather spend his money on amazing vacations or a good sound system for our place, I was amazed that he went that far at all. I was so pleased he agreed to get me a diamond ring period (he''s German and they mostly don''t go in for this sort of thing over there).

In your situation, I can see why you wouldn''t want to spend the better part of your savings on a ring. Who knows how long it will take to find another job. You''ve got to pay the rent and support yourself in the meantime. You''ve presumably also got a wedding coming up now to help pay for. If I were your fiancee, I''d be more pleased that you are responsible with your money. Sure you want a drumset, but when you get a job again with a good salary, you''ll be able to afford it. If the money''s not as good, I''m sure you''d reconsider the purchase and wait till you can better afford it.

If she''s that stuck on size, maybe you can offer to upgrade the diamond in the future when the financial picture is looking better... But you''ve certainly already gotten something for her that''s larger than what most other people out there have.
 
I think everyone is judging this girl harshly with very little information. You say her complaining was set off when you mentioned buying a drum set. So maybe she wasn''t giving you a hard time about being unemployed and not spending enough beforehand?? It isn''t clear from what you wrote.

I would understand if my BF couldn''t afford to buy me the ring I wanted, and of course I''d still marry him and be happy with something smaller. OF COURSE it''s the marriage that matters and not the ring. But no one wants to wear a ring they don''t like every day for the rest of their life. And I think I''d be a little upset if the BF was planning on spending a lot of money on himself as soon as he got a new job. At that point, it''s not that he can''t afford it but instead that he chooses to not spend the money on her, but rather on himself. She sounds like she''s being a little selfish, but so does he.

But then again, I think at this phase of the relationship, large purchases like rings and drum sets should be discussed and agreed upon together. Maybe that would help?
 
Date: 4/23/2005 9:44:10 PM
Author: jlc0604


I would understand if my BF couldn''t afford to buy me the ring I wanted, and of course I''d still marry him and be happy with something smaller. OF COURSE it''s the marriage that matters and not the ring. But no one wants to wear a ring they don''t like every day for the rest of their life. And I think I''d be a little upset if the BF was planning on spending a lot of money on himself as soon as he got a new job. At that point, it''s not that he can''t afford it but instead that he chooses to not spend the money on her, but rather on himself. She sounds like she''s being a little selfish, but so does he.
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That''s what I was trying to say, too. Thanks for stating it better than I did.
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I think that if she''s unhappy with the $3600 ring, you should return it and get the drumset now!
 
Date: 4/23/2005 10:23:28 PM
Author: aljdewey
I think that if she''s unhappy with the $3600 ring, you should return it and get the drumset now!
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Great Advise!
Then find a new girlfriend.
 
I agree with what so many others have already said. Your NOT cheap, you didn''t have to buy her that ring, and the fact that you went ahead and tryed to give her a beautiful piece of jewerly even once you had been laid off proves that you are the exact oppisit of cheap! I can''t believe she would have the nerve to put down a gift and a promise of that value. I myself am very open with my b/f and tell him just how it is, no beating around the bush here, but I would NEVER EVER think to belittle such a loving gift. The promise you''ve made to her by becoming engaged should be enough alone, there are many many ladies out there that would die for just the promise, letalone a $3000. rock to go with it! Please don''t feel that you''ve done anything wrong, not to be rude here, but she''s the one in fault. hasn''t she ever heard the phrase "Don''t look a gift horse in the mouth"?
 
Okay, my opinion? I''d be thrilled if my boyfriend surprised me with a beautiful .85 carat diamond ring. . . BUT, I''d be even more estatic if he purchased, in addition to my ring, a treat for himself. I''d be embarrassed if my significant other sacrificed something he truely wanted in order to buy me a larger diamond.

There''s always anniversaries and other occasions to use as excuses to buy larger and/or more jewelery and so it makes sense for balance in treats from the get go!
 
Date: 4/23/2005 7:20:21 PM
Author:jacknovak
I''m unemployed but have about 35k saved in the bank, though that will all be taxed at the end of the year so realistically I have about 23k in the bank. I bought an engagement ring that cost $3600 - it has good color, etc..... but its only .85 carat. My salary before I was laid off was $73,000.

I''m getting grief from my fiance that the ring is less than a carat and that I don''t care about her. What set this off is I mentioned I wanted to buy a drumset for $4k when I get another job...

Am I cheap?
Click to expand...
.85 ct isn''t small. the avg e-ring purchase in the U.S. it''s about .75ct.
 
i agree with jlc and bluedawg on a few things...first off there can only be bad judgement going on of this faceless girl..all because of how the first post was 'worded'...aka 'am i cheap' because the diamond was under 1c and 'she thinks i don't care about her' because i want to 'buy a drumset once i have a new job'.

secondly...maybe it's not about the ring at all...and does speak to other issues in the relationship...she wants a bigger ring, you want a drumset...maybe you both like material things, who knows, it doesn't really matter.

BUT in reality you are probably not cheap and she is probably not selfish. it sounds like maybe she was hurt--regardless of whether it was over a ring or a drumset. so that is really what you should be addressing, why does your fiancee think you don't care about her. is it really about the ring or diamond or the drumset or something else? how you spend your money? how you plan for the future? who knows? not us!
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definitely do not live above your means, and personally i would not be getting engaged with any ring if one of us were unemployed, there are far more important things in life than rings, aka roof over your heads and food...but my two cents is more along the lines of figure out what is behind the wording because i doubt this is really about the under 1c diamond or the drumset, but something else behind the scenes.

good luck!
 
I wouldn''t call myself cheap...Maybe cautious, conservative, frugal are better terms and far less "self destructive".

I agree with the above posters, which certainly appears to be overwheming response in agreement.


But I have another suggestion, which is aside from the ring.

Look up the person John Quixote.... also know on the forum as Sir John. He partially works for Whiteflash, but he is also a increidbly reknown percussionist. He''s located in Houston, so you may even be nearby.

He might provide you with some very valuable advice about getting the drumset, at maybe a better deal or perhaps guide you in your selection of drums.

He''s a really good guy with lots of drum industry credentials and connections, and sure you''ll enjoy meeting up with him.

I don''t have the link to his website about his percussionist drum background, but I have seen it and it is "turbo impressive".

Rockdoc
 
Cheap?? I agree...you are not cheap...

My husband 11 years ago had just started his first year as a teacher and we could not afford much. He could only afford $1000 for my e-ring at the time and with that, we bought a 1/3 carat Marquise...to me it was the world!!! We are just about to celebrate our 10-year anniversary and he bought me a 1.03 carat stone with an upgraded setting as our financial situation has improved since then and we''re in a better position...am I upset that it''s not 2 or 3 carat?? No...again! I''m on top of the world...

If your FI is more interested in the ring than what it''s supposed to represent, then it might be a good time to analyze the basis of your relationship and determine if this is "the one" for you...if it is, then you may need to sit down with her and have a long talk about expectations on the marriage and see if the two of you are on the same page...

Best of luck!!
 
I don''t know that I have a lot to add to the advice you''ve been given... but my situation was a bit similar. My fiance was switching jobs but decided that he didn''t want to put off an ''official'' engagement any longer. My diamond was the same size as what you''ve gotten for the one that you love (similar price, etc)... now that he''s settled in his job and looking at a sizable bonus, he''s planning on modifying his car - about $6k worth of work on it. He''s been talking about it for a while, even while discussing ring plans.

Am I irritated that he didn''t wait and spend the money on my ring? Nope. One of my greatest joys is to see *his* joy. But then I never had dreams of a large diamond or elaborate setting... maybe if I had, I''d be disappointed. What gets said in the heat of the moment when you''re emotional isn''t always what was meant. I hope that''s the case here... if your beloved felt that you were putting yourself ahead of her in some way (*I* can''t see it, but I don''t know anything about your relationship), she may not have been able to think of a more diplomatic was of discussing it with you...

I hope that you can discuss the situation and find out exactly what she''s thinking and what your feelings are about the situation...
 
Date: 4/23/2005 9:15:23 PM
Author: kaleigh
Once again ame says exactly what I am thinking, but a little scared to say!!! Listen to the advice you have been given here. It''s all out of best wishes for you and your fiance.
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I am tactless and often wise ;) My fiance and I think an awful lot alike but he''s extremely tactful by comparison and not nearly as rash.
 
I think next time she complains, remind her that 2 months salary when you're unemployed = $0.

And why should we be the only one who get engagement presents? Maybe suggest that SHE buy you the drum set as an engagement gift. See how "cheap" she thinks $3600 is then.

I don't mean to sound flip or insulting to your fiancée, but her ring is obviously much MORE than respectable. You've spent roughly 10% of your savings on her (more if you count the taxes) - if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't want you to spend much more than you did! Those savings are for getting you through this unemployed period, and hopefully for making some of the important investments for your future, like house-buying, retirement savings and so on!
 
No, you are not cheap. I''ll not say anything about your fiancee, but I will say that when I got married my e-ring was 0 carats, and I was an ecstatically happy girl.
 
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