Biological Dad is Dying

[Queenie60]

My heart goes out to you. I have a similar situation with my mother. Have been estranged from her for about 30 years. She was an abusive alcoholic/prescription drug user throughout my childhood. And I never knew my bio father. After many years of abuse, I walked away and closed the door on her. She would still be dishing out the name calling, and abuse had I stuck around and tried to have a relationship with her. I have never looked back. When she passes, I don't feel that it will have much of an affect on me, just the reassurance that she won't come looking for me at some point and stir up all of the scary, bad feelings. But I don't know that for sure util the time comes when I am told that she's dying. Only you know in your own heart if visiting him is the right thing. Forget what others think, go with your own gut. There's no right or wrong, just what's right for yourself in your own heart. Take care and I wish you well.

Queenie,

I am three years no contact with my abusive, alcoholic mother. My life has only gotten better since I have shut that door. I have been able to heal and stretch and grieve the mother that I didn't have. I can't ever say absolutely that I won't speak to her again, but I don't plan on it. Freedom feels too good.

I am sorry you live with the same kind of loss.

I love that you call us winners! I truly feel that! I have a lot of issues due to my childhood, but I have a lot of gifts too. I choose to focus on my gifts and to move forward!

The family that I have built would never judge me for not seeing my dad. They have seen me walk this journey.. I just see the collective mind of others and think that sometimes...they ALL need that thing called "closure." Is it overrated? Is it real? I don't really know... I am beginning to think that closure is a myth...

Oh Housecat - it feels so good to stretch and heal. I am well past the grieving period. I think the most difficult time I had at accepting the fact the I never had a mother was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember crying my eyes out because I didn't have a mother there to help me. But then I went to my church and prayed, and talked and they helped me to realize that I am not alone and never had a mother to begin with. You really can't miss what you never had. I too have built a beautiful family and have a wonderful husband. He has walked the real journey with me - he listens when I'm sad and always assures me that he will be there for me always. At times it amazes me that I was able to build a successful, healthy and peaceful life and feel blessed each and every day. And also realize, everyone has some type of issues due to their childhood, good or bad. I wish you well through this never ending journey of closure. And it is real, not a myth IMO! And we are Winners! Take care Housecat.

 

[texaskj]

Maybe this will help a little:

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2013/02/abusive_parents_what_do_grown_children_owe_the_mothers_and_fathers_who_made.html

 

[Queenie60]

Thank you for the article - I'm saving it. Very good information.

 

[texaskj]

You're welcome, glad to help

 

[chemgirl]

DH's grandmother passed away last year and MIL was hounded by relatives to go and see her one last time. Told she would regret it if she didn't. So far she doesn't regret it. Didn't go to the funeral either.

Mil's mom knew that she and her sister were being molested by their dad for most of their teens and she did nothing to stop it. MIL feels that her mother left her alone with her dad to facilitate this abuse. She maintained a relationship with her mom until SIL was around the same age as she was when the abuse started. Then she realized how awful her Mom's actions really were. How could someone know their child is being abused and just let it happen?

She hadn't talked to her mom in 20 years and didn't see the point of visiting one last time. She was just done with it all.

Please don't feel like you "should" go and see him if you really don't want to.

 

[Jambalaya]

You're welcome, House Cat. (I won't quote as I'd have to quote our whole long exchange and it never seems to work for me when I try to part-quote.)

If you think you would find yourself acting in a way that you did in the past, as you described in your reply to me, and if you would have to see that woman, then perhaps you shouldn't go. Sounds like those two situations have the potential to pull a whole buncha triggers, and you don't deserve that, having worked hard to overcome the past. I tend to be a fan of the expression "let sleeping dogs lie." I tend to think that relationships break down for good reasons, and for me at least - possibly for others, too - what's often at the deep heart of it is that the other party really doesn't care about me at all, has no respect for me, and doesn't give a toss who I really am. And that doesn't change over time. I read a book which I think was called Toxic Parents, about adults who had been abused, and one woman, a sexual abuse survivor, confronted her parents about what they did in the safety of her therapist's office. It turned out they just didn't care about her. At all. And I think that that is at the heart of so many relationship bust-ups, whether family or friends. (My dad's side cares much more about expressing their nasty personalities than they care about any individual in the family.) And if the other party doesn't care....what's the point? Yanno? I think you were NC with your biodad for good reasons. I read that article in Slate that someone linked, and I agree with it. Children are so helpless, to mistreat them is about the greatest sin I can think of, and I think that the adult children of abusive parents owe them nothing. Yes, they gave the child life, but then they tried to take all the joy of that life away.

Maybe you should stick to the path you carved for yourself with regards to your biodad, and go on as you have been - ie NC. After all, you seem to have had good reasons, and you have not regretted it so far.

Is he in hospital? If a lingering part of you wants to see him, I wonder if you could slip in for a few minutes while he's asleep and when Witch Woman isn't around. I'm sure the hospital staff have heard everything and would help you with a time when he has no visitors and will be sleeping. Just an idea if you're wavering.

Good luck!

PS I have visit OOTF and found it very interesting. It's amazing how many people are having similar experiences, all while you thought you were the only one.

 

[pregcurious]

Can you tell him how you feel? While it might not bring you closure, I think it might help both of you to acknowledge the grief you (and he probably) feels.

 

[azstonie]

Never ecpose your feelings to a malignant narcissist. Share your feelings with your spouse, your therapist, your trusted friends.

 

[springerspaniel]

Amen to that, Azstonie!