Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

The funny thing is, your BF sounds like a really neat person. His hobbies are interesting and fun, and, aside from your paying his way in terms of household expenses (yikes, stop doing that right away, seriously, you need that money for the next step in your life) he's doing okay living within his means. He's doing just what I would want, say, my 24 year old son to be doing at that age: enjoying his youth and child-free years. It's sorta like that 50-cent song, "She should have what she wants, just not from me." It's great that he's doing those things, but not cool that you're taking care of everything else to enable his fun life.

Also, w/r/t telling him and seeing if he changes, that sounds like a recipe for later resentment. Seems like he's living life how he wants to, and like you said above about sharing finances, you want him to want to treat you differently. If that's not in the cards, he's just not the right person for you at this point in your life.

He really is a neat person.

Re: talking with him about these things, you don't think it's worth laying it out in the open and seeing if he does want to change? I'm (guessing) that he's probably totally in the dark about anything even being wrong, so just sitting him down and saying it's over, doesn't seem right to me I guess.

 

[suchende]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Well, I mean, maybe he'll wake up and think, "no no, I really want to treat my girlfriend well! I have been so selfish. I actually want to start saving for a house and a future!"

But that doesn't sound very realistic, to be honest. Especially since he's having so much fun being young. I think it's more likely that he'll either 1) make empty promises 2) sincerely try to save your relationship but not be able to change or 3) actually change but resent it a little bit now, which will snowball into a lot of resentment later. It sounds like you want him to want something he doesn't. I don't think any amount of rational conversation and honest sharing of feelings will make him really truly want to change.

I know a few guys who, around 23-26, realize they actually want to get married ASAP and start saving for families. They're oddly disproportionately engineers (just a thought when you hit the dating scene again ). I think women tend to romanticize relationships a bit too much, like, he'll love me so much he'll want to settle down, he'll put our relationship first, etc. Well all the 20-something men I know who want a family wanted it BEFORE they met the girl they're with, and were specifically looking for the marriage type when they found the girls they're with now (or are actively looking for it now, with marriageability in the forefront of their mind). They don't feel pressured or limited by the girls they're with because this is what they were looking for. I guess I would rather be with "that guy" than someone who I wanted to change.

 

[yennyfire]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I am so sorry that you're in this situation. My "story" is similar to yours. Met my first husband when I was 18, got married at 24, despite the fact that I knew we shouldn't be getting married. Our lives were so enmeshed that I couldn't picture a life without him. I didn't know how to admit that I had failed (that's how I saw it at the time, as no one in my family had even gotten a divorce and that was a distinction I certainly didn't want). Finally, I was so broken that I just couldn't go on. A very dear friend offered me a place to live and another friend helped me move my stuff out. It was a nasty divorce. I ended up leaving my job and moving home without one. Thank goodness for my family (who had never liked my ex...our relationship had really damaged my connection to my family). It was the scariest time of my life and at times, I didn't think I'd ever be happy again (much less married again).

However, staying in a relationship where you're not happy and where there are so many fundamental differences on major life decisions, much less children, is a recipe for disaster. It took me a long time to be happy on my own and to create my own identity again (seperate from him), but I did and 5 years later, I got married again. I've been married to the most wonderful man for going on 9 years now and we have two great kids. We have a great life together and and truly partners. Life is not perfect (it never is) but you deserve better than what you're getting.

I hope that your conversation goes as well as possible and that you get a bright fresh start soon.

Many hugs to you...

 

[Seattle SC]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I just have to say reading all of this makes me really sad, because I spent a chunk of time in my life where I spent it with someone that I now realize didn't deserve my time. Luckily for you, 24 is still young and while everything is very comfortable right now, that's doesn't mean it's necessarily healthy! Please don't let money be a reason to stay either, you might think it's cheaper to live together like you are, but that's a huge cost to your happiness.

I understand how you think that after the time you 2 have been together, suddenly getting up and saying "it's over" seems drastic and irrational. To be honest, I can't tell you the best way to bring up your issues either. My advice would be to stop buying him toiletries, food, any of that stuff! When he asks why it's no longer available tell him that you think he should be buying his own things because they're too expensive and you don't have the money to do so. Don't buy his meals, don't even pull out your wallet when the bill comes. If he asks, tell him you'll split it. If you keep catering to him, it's eventually going to turn into more hate and resentment. You might be feeling guilty for having all these thoughts in the first place, but I know that if you keep rolling them around in your head and not bringing them up to your bf soon, eventually you're going to justify all the things that make you mad about him and it will make things worse. At this point it kind of sounds like if you stay with him, you won't need to worry about kids, you already practically have one in your home.

My mom told me once, "the flowers stop coming after the first year, they have you caught by then"

It should be a partnership, don't let him get lazy and don't let him think you'll always be there with him. He needs to understand that you're not property and that you need your own fulfillment as much as he needs his.

I wish you the best,

 

[amc80]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Your comment about having to buy all household items gave me an idea. But it involves you being really strong, which, based on your posts, I think you can do.

Tell him your goal is to have $xxxx in savings by whatever date. This is more fun if it isn't a formal conversation, especially since he's made it clear he isn't interested in talking about budgets. Say you have examined your budget and determined areas where you can cut back. He probably won't ask any questions. If he does, say you are going to cut back on general household expenses.

Now, next time you go to the store, buy your stuff. For you. He's a grown man, you don't need to buy his soap. You don't need to buy his food. You're not his mother or his wife.

Eventually, he'll catch on and ask you what's going on. Remind him of your goal. Remind him of HIS desire to keep things separate. If he doesn't want to act like a team, it's none of his damn business what you do with your money. He wants to be financially independent from you, so you need to be independent from him.

And, this isn't meant to be at all mean, why would he have any incentive to change the status quo? He basically has a woman doing all of her "wifely duties" with absolutely no cost to him. He gets to play around with his hobbies and you have to absorb all of the adult costs. Seriously, the more I think about it, you are acting as his mother. He needs to grow up, and he won't do it with you around.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Well, I mean, maybe he'll wake up and think, "no no, I really want to treat my girlfriend well! I have been so selfish. I actually want to start saving for a house and a future!"

But that doesn't sound very realistic, to be honest. Especially since he's having so much fun being young. I think it's more likely that he'll either 1) make empty promises 2) sincerely try to save your relationship but not be able to change or 3) actually change but resent it a little bit now, which will snowball into a lot of resentment later. It sounds like you want him to want something he doesn't. I don't think any amount of rational conversation and honest sharing of feelings will make him really truly want to change.

I know a few guys who, around 23-26, realize they actually want to get married ASAP and start saving for families. They're oddly disproportionately engineers (just a thought when you hit the dating scene again ). I think women tend to romanticize relationships a bit too much, like, he'll love me so much he'll want to settle down, he'll put our relationship first, etc. Well all the 20-something men I know who want a family wanted it BEFORE they met the girl they're with, and were specifically looking for the marriage type when they found the girls they're with now (or are actively looking for it now, with marriageability in the forefront of their mind). They don't feel pressured or limited by the girls they're with because this is what they were looking for. I guess I would rather be with "that guy" than someone who I wanted to change.

Strangely enough, he is an engineer. But since the traditional 'family' with kids, etc is not what he sees in his future, I guess he doesn't see the reasons to (at this age) work towards savings, house buying, marriage, etc. I know he may not do a complete 180, but I still feel like (in same fashion) he needs a heads up to know that I'm not happy and things aren't right, no matter how comfortable he feels at the moment, the feeling isn't mutual.

You're right, he is having fun being young. And he's said things like this before, when I get a real job (as in post Masters) he says he'll be working so much that he won't have time do these things, blah blah blah. And I get that, but how do I know that things will really slow down and his mentality about savings, etc will change? The short of it is, I don't. I also don't know how (much) longer I'm willing to hang around and find out. I don't want him to change who he is.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I just have to say reading all of this makes me really sad, because I spent a chunk of time in my life where I spent it with someone that I now realize didn't deserve my time. Luckily for you, 24 is still young and while everything is very comfortable right now, that's doesn't mean it's necessarily healthy! Please don't let money be a reason to stay either, you might think it's cheaper to live together like you are, but that's a huge cost to your happiness.

I understand how you think that after the time you 2 have been together, suddenly getting up and saying "it's over" seems drastic and irrational. To be honest, I can't tell you the best way to bring up your issues either. My advice would be to stop buying him toiletries, food, any of that stuff! When he asks why it's no longer available tell him that you think he should be buying his own things because they're too expensive and you don't have the money to do so. Don't buy his meals, don't even pull out your wallet when the bill comes. If he asks, tell him you'll split it. If you keep catering to him, it's eventually going to turn into more hate and resentment. You might be feeling guilty for having all these thoughts in the first place, but I know that if you keep rolling them around in your head and not bringing them up to your bf soon, eventually you're going to justify all the things that make you mad about him and it will make things worse. At this point it kind of sounds like if you stay with him, you won't need to worry about kids, you already practically have one in your home.

My mom told me once, "the flowers stop coming after the first year, they have you caught by then"

It should be a partnership, don't let him get lazy and don't let him think you'll always be there with him. He needs to understand that you're not property and that you need your own fulfillment as much as he needs his.

I wish you the best,

I agree that comfortable does not equal healthy. Money is not the reason, if anything with the amount of extra funds that get spent taking care of him, I'd probably break even or maybe even some for the better living alone! I think going straight for "it's over" with no warnings (it's not like we've been fighting or anything) seems like it would be out of left field since he has no idea that I'm unhappy.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Your comment about having to buy all household items gave me an idea. But it involves you being really strong, which, based on your posts, I think you can do.

Tell him your goal is to have $xxxx in savings by whatever date. This is more fun if it isn't a formal conversation, especially since he's made it clear he isn't interested in talking about budgets. Say you have examined your budget and determined areas where you can cut back. He probably won't ask any questions. If he does, say you are going to cut back on general household expenses.

Now, next time you go to the store, buy your stuff. For you. He's a grown man, you don't need to buy his soap. You don't need to buy his food. You're not his mother or his wife.

Eventually, he'll catch on and ask you what's going on. Remind him of your goal. Remind him of HIS desire to keep things separate. If he doesn't want to act like a team, it's none of his damn business what you do with your money. He wants to be financially independent from you, so you need to be independent from him.

And, this isn't meant to be at all mean, why would he have any incentive to change the status quo? He basically has a woman doing all of her "wifely duties" with absolutely no cost to him. He gets to play around with his hobbies and you have to absorb all of the adult costs. Seriously, the more I think about it, you are acting as his mother. He needs to grow up, and he won't do it with you around.

I think this is a great idea.

 

[Blackpaw]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Im so sorry this is happening, it must be tearing you apart i know, as like you said you love him more than you can describe

but your post was so clear that there are fundamental differences between you, it was painfully clear and you know it of course, that's why you're already talking about an 'end' timeline (the flat thing). Given how, for want of a better word, strong these differences are, id say your first step is to really take a step back and see what you want out of life. Not tied to this particular man but just in general, as if you could write things over. If the differences were minor id say start talking to him right now, dont make the grand gesture - but i think you're past that and while you definitely dont want it coming completely out of left field, it needs to be clear how serious this is. And maybe that will be the catalyst for some much needed change.

But mostly, it just sounds like you're not happy and im so sorry that's the case - i hope you can make whatever changes you need to for your own long-term happiness.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Im so sorry this is happening, it must be tearing you apart i know, as like you said you love him more than you can describe

but your post was so clear that there are fundamental differences between you, it was painfully clear and you know it of course, that's why you're already talking about an 'end' timeline (the flat thing). Given how, for want of a better word, strong these differences are, id say your first step is to really take a step back and see what you want out of life. Not tied to this particular man but just in general, as if you could write things over. If the differences were minor id say start talking to him right now, dont make the grand gesture - but i think you're past that and while you definitely dont want it coming completely out of left field, it needs to be clear how serious this is. And maybe that will be the catalyst for some much needed change.

But mostly, it just sounds like you're not happy and im so sorry that's the case - i hope you can make whatever changes you need to for your own long-term happiness.

It really is tearing me apart. It's like I can't picture not being with him, but when I take our relationship out of the equation, what we each see for our futures is not the same.

I appreciate the support.

 

[amc80]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It's like I can't picture not being with him

This is the scariest part of any break up. Especially when you haven't had many relationships. I can almost guarantee you that in 10 years, you will be saying "I can't believe that I was with him for so long."

 

[AdanaEsq]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It's like I can't picture not being with him

This is the scariest part of any break up. Especially when you haven't had many relationships. I can almost guarantee you that in 10 years, you will be saying "I can't believe that I was with him for so long."

This!!! You have no idea how true this is. My story has been told before. I was in a 10+ year relationship, I met my ex-husband when I was 15, we started dating when I was 16, engaged at 23, married at 25, and I left him and filed for divorce at 26. He sounds a lot like your guy in the sort of irresponsible, expecting you to act like his mother. Mine would have me fill out job applications for him because he was that lazy. I really put up with a lot in those 10 years and I really do wonder why I put up with him for so long. The relationship ended when he started taking me for granted, up and quit his job (like 6 months before he planned to go back to school), staying out late, calling me fat etc. I later found out he was cheating. I really took a good look at the situation and I knew I had to leave for my own mental health and because I knew I'm worth more than that. It was hard. We had been together for over 10 years. I thought he was one of my best friends. Our lives were so entwined.

I ended up moving back home. 2.5 years later I am so happy I did it. I am in another relationship with a guy who was like a breath of fresh air. So responsible, loyal, loving, ambitious, hard-working,intelligent, treats me like a princess and I'm so grateful. Yes I am thankful that my first marriage was a learning experience of what I want and what I do NOT want in a partner.

Did I cry for at least a week, leading up to my moving out? Yes. I did however feel somewhat relieved once it was done. I leaned on my family and friends and moved on with my life. I have NEVER regretted it.

 

[Pandora II]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

You're getting great advice here!

I was in a very similar situation at your age and left a man who I'd been with since I was 18. BEST THING I EVER DID!

I kissed a load of frogs, had a ball doing things for ME rather than running his life for him and being his mother! Then at 32 I met my now husband. I knew straight away that he was the one and the next couple of months confirmed it. The relationship was so easy, we both had shared hobbies, we wanted to spend our time together - the only thing we don't share is finances... we have our own accounts, but we know each others financial situation. For us it works - guess we were too old to start changing that part of our lives!

After I split up with the ex, a friend recommended the book 'Women who love too much' and I found it very helpful in curing my 'Florence Nightingale' syndrome!

Oh, and on the children issue...neither of us thought we would ever have or want kids - we now have a 20 month old daughter who is the apple of her daddy's eye. When the baby bug hits, it is incredibly strong. It didn't hit me till I was 35 and it was a bit of a shock. I would never enter a marriage with anyone who wasn't open to the idea of children. It is such a huge biological urge and denying that would in my mind be impossible - I would not be able to remain married to a man who would deny me the chance to have children.

Good luck - and I promise you that this time next year you will re-read this and realise how much easier it was and how much happier you are!

 

[smiles]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I am not a frequent poster and have been mostly a lurker but I really wanted to tell you how incredibly brave you are being! I ended a 7 year relationship just over a month ago (though we did not live together) and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know it was the right decision based on how comfortable and happy i have been since. The way I hear you speak of your relationship rings so true to how I was sounding. Getting to the point of being able to make the decision was excrutiating but once the decision was made... the pieces fell into place. You have had amazing advice here - put yourself first. do what feels good for you. trust your gut.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Man! He sounds like a narcissist. They usually find someone who is super agreeable and a "fan" of theirs to hang out with and exploit. This sounds like SO MANY stories I've heard of "first relationship breakups". Yes you CAN love someone and not want to spend your life with them & just not mesh w/world-views, life goals etc. And OF COURSE you wouldn't realize that at 18, 19, 21 ... some folks don't even recognize it at 24 or 30!

I think you already know what needs to be done. You're thinking - if only he would grow up really fast then he'd be perfect! Well ... he won't until he's experienced the consequences of his actions. Which you been conveniently sheltering him from FOR YEARS. OR -- he's a narcissist and won't ever change. Let some other chick "luck" into that deal. UGH.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

you are acting as his mother. He needs to grow up, and he won't do it with you around.

Bingo

 

[betty6333]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I am sorry that there is so much to have to deal with in breakups, but the kids issue would be a deal breaker for me. I would want a man to WANT children at least "one day " as I know without them I would regret and resent a person who refused to understand and share how important it is to me.

You will find some one who does ! it is scary being alone for a while, but it is better for you in the long run!

 

[iugurl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He sounds SO SO SO selfish. Assuming you both work about the same hours a week, it is very wrong you do everything. Right now I do everything in the house but I am not working right now and DH works 40-50 hrs a week. If we both worked, there is no way I would do everything. I can't imagine just laying around watching DH cook, clean, do laundry, manage the pets etc. I would feel awful, heck I feel awful when I am deathly ill and and he has to do these things.

The "hobbies" are ridiculous. Absolutely freaking ridiculous. It literally blows my mind. It would be like a person here who spends 50% of their income on diamonds a year. Well it would be one thing if you made 20 mil a year and bought a 10 mil worth of diamonds. But for a "regular" person to spend 50k on diamonds over 2 years, who make 30-40k a year. WOW That is so unfair to you

The kids issue hmm. I think it could be a problem if you want kids. He has a right to not want kids! He is being honest and has not changed his mind. It sounds like you are changing you mind? Which is fine, but you need to decide if you could live without kids if you were to marry him. It would not be fair to him or any person, to marry with the intent of never having kids and then deciding you can't live without them. I have seen it. People either pressure the spouse to have kids or they leave them.

I am sorry if I sound mean or harsh. I can't imagine any other positive traits that would make up for these huge issues. Even if he is a "nice" guy who "loves" you so much, he is not acting like it. Even if he is "perfect" in every other way, he is being incredibly awful in these areas. So much that if he does not nip it in the bud immediately, I would be out the door. In a second.

I am so sorry! I hope whatever happens, you will be happy. It may take some time for you to be happy, but in the end that is my wish for you.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It's like I can't picture not being with him

This is the scariest part of any break up. Especially when you haven't had many relationships. I can almost guarantee you that in 10 years, you will be saying "I can't believe that I was with him for so long."

This!!! You have no idea how true this is. My story has been told before. I was in a 10+ year relationship, I met my ex-husband when I was 15, we started dating when I was 16, engaged at 23, married at 25, and I left him and filed for divorce at 26. He sounds a lot like your guy in the sort of irresponsible, expecting you to act like his mother. Mine would have me fill out job applications for him because he was that lazy. I really put up with a lot in those 10 years and I really do wonder why I put up with him for so long. The relationship ended when he started taking me for granted, up and quit his job (like 6 months before he planned to go back to school), staying out late, calling me fat etc. I later found out he was cheating. I really took a good look at the situation and I knew I had to leave for my own mental health and because I knew I'm worth more than that. It was hard. We had been together for over 10 years. I thought he was one of my best friends. Our lives were so entwined.

I ended up moving back home. 2.5 years later I am so happy I did it. I am in another relationship with a guy who was like a breath of fresh air. So responsible, loyal, loving, ambitious, hard-working,intelligent, treats me like a princess and I'm so grateful. Yes I am thankful that my first marriage was a learning experience of what I want and what I do NOT want in a partner.

Did I cry for at least a week, leading up to my moving out? Yes. I did however feel somewhat relieved once it was done. I leaned on my family and friends and moved on with my life. I have NEVER regretted it.

I'm sure you guys are right. I've had that gut feeling that things just aren't right for quite awhile, honestly, maybe as long as we've been together. Knowing it doesn't feel right is half the battle I guess, being able to do something about it where I need to work on getting.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

You're getting great advice here!

I was in a very similar situation at your age and left a man who I'd been with since I was 18. BEST THING I EVER DID!

I kissed a load of frogs, had a ball doing things for ME rather than running his life for him and being his mother! Then at 32 I met my now husband. I knew straight away that he was the one and the next couple of months confirmed it. The relationship was so easy, we both had shared hobbies, we wanted to spend our time together - the only thing we don't share is finances... we have our own accounts, but we know each others financial situation. For us it works - guess we were too old to start changing that part of our lives!

After I split up with the ex, a friend recommended the book 'Women who love too much' and I found it very helpful in curing my 'Florence Nightingale' syndrome!

Oh, and on the children issue...neither of us thought we would ever have or want kids - we now have a 20 month old daughter who is the apple of her daddy's eye. When the baby bug hits, it is incredibly strong. It didn't hit me till I was 35 and it was a bit of a shock. I would never enter a marriage with anyone who wasn't open to the idea of children. It is such a huge biological urge and denying that would in my mind be impossible - I would not be able to remain married to a man who would deny me the chance to have children.

Good luck - and I promise you that this time next year you will re-read this and realise how much easier it was and how much happier you are!

These are the kinds of stories I needed to hear. It's not wrong to feel the way I'm feeling, and it's not either of our faults. We both just need to be honest with ourselves and say that we are not what each other wants. I'm most worried about how to go about meeting someone new. I'm not the kind of person to go out to bars, clubs, etc. There really aren't an eligible men at work or in my school program, that's hard to think about to.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I am not a frequent poster and have been mostly a lurker but I really wanted to tell you how incredibly brave you are being! I ended a 7 year relationship just over a month ago (though we did not live together) and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know it was the right decision based on how comfortable and happy i have been since. The way I hear you speak of your relationship rings so true to how I was sounding. Getting to the point of being able to make the decision was excrutiating but once the decision was made... the pieces fell into place. You have had amazing advice here - put yourself first. do what feels good for you. trust your gut.

How are you feeling now that you're one month out? No regrets?

Honestly, one of the things I worry about is that we do live together and the division of everything (particularly our pets) is going to be hard. Our lives are intertwined. I feel like I could make the decision more easily if we weren't living together, which in it of itself, probably further shows that in my heart, this isn't right.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Man! He sounds like a narcissist. They usually find someone who is super agreeable and a "fan" of theirs to hang out with and exploit. This sounds like SO MANY stories I've heard of "first relationship breakups". Yes you CAN love someone and not want to spend your life with them & just not mesh w/world-views, life goals etc. And OF COURSE you wouldn't realize that at 18, 19, 21 ... some folks don't even recognize it at 24 or 30!

I think you already know what needs to be done. You're thinking - if only he would grow up really fast then he'd be perfect! Well ... he won't until he's experienced the consequences of his actions. Which you been conveniently sheltering him from FOR YEARS. OR -- he's a narcissist and won't ever change. Let some other chick "luck" into that deal. UGH.

Hey decoded--I wouldn't call him a narcissist, though this portrayal with no other context makes it sound that way. He is selfish, always has been. At this point in his life (young, wants to be free, do cool things, blah blah, being selfish is normal, I think. But it's not appropriate for someone who took the initiative to move in with someone in a long-term committed relationship. In this context, I think you need to be mentally prepared to not be so me me me. Us moving in together is something I regret, mostly for how quickly it happened and unprepared we were to be at that point. It did teach us a lot about each other and for that, I don't regret it. I don't know, this is so hard.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I am sorry that there is so much to have to deal with in breakups, but the kids issue would be a deal breaker for me. I would want a man to WANT children at least "one day " as I know without them I would regret and resent a person who refused to understand and share how important it is to me.

You will find some one who does ! it is scary being alone for a while, but it is better for you in the long run!

That's just it with the kids issue though, I (honestly) am not even sure it's something I even want. Knowing me, and the fact that when I was younger it was something I thought I wanted for myself desperately, I can see the biological itch getting to me and changing my mind in 5-10 years.

 

[junebug17]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

The funny thing is, your BF sounds like a really neat person. His hobbies are interesting and fun, and, aside from your paying his way in terms of household expenses (yikes, stop doing that right away, seriously, you need that money for the next step in your life) he's doing okay living within his means. He's doing just what I would want, say, my 24 year old son to be doing at that age: enjoying his youth and child-free years. It's sorta like that 50-cent song, "She should have what she wants, just not from me." It's great that he's doing those things, but not cool that you're taking care of everything else to enable his fun life.

Also, w/r/t telling him and seeing if he changes, that sounds like a recipe for later resentment. Seems like he's living life how he wants to, and like you said above about sharing finances, you want him to want to treat you differently. If that's not in the cards, he's just not the right person for you at this point in your life.

He really is a neat person.

Re: talking with him about these things, you don't think it's worth laying it out in the open and seeing if he does want to change? I'm (guessing) that he's probably totally in the dark about anything even being wrong, so just sitting him down and saying it's over, doesn't seem right to me I guess.

Well, yeah...I guess I'm in the minority here, but I don't understand the advice to break up with him when you haven't even spoken to him about any of this! IMO, that's the first step...you basically have an outline of what you want to say right in your first post. I think the guy deserves a chance to hear your side of things and at least have an opportunity to respond. Who knows, maybe he'll be upset that you're unhappy and be willing to work on things. Then again, maybe not, but you need to find out for sure. By all means discuss your worries and concerns, you have every right. You aren't happy about things in the relationship, so you should definitely have a serious conversation with him. But to just tell him it's over, out of the blue? (at least to him). I just think that's drastic at this point.

That said, I will say that you do have some serious issues in your relationship, and there is a decent chance that you both just have too different an outlook on some major things. But I still say he should at least have the opportunity to address your worries.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do, in the end you certainly have to do what's best for you. Keep us posted if you can!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He sounds SO SO SO selfish. Assuming you both work about the same hours a week, it is very wrong you do everything. Right now I do everything in the house but I am not working right now and DH works 40-50 hrs a week. If we both worked, there is no way I would do everything. I can't imagine just laying around watching DH cook, clean, do laundry, manage the pets etc. I would feel awful, heck I feel awful when I am deathly ill and and he has to do these things.

The "hobbies" are ridiculous. Absolutely freaking ridiculous. It literally blows my mind. It would be like a person here who spends 50% of their income on diamonds a year. Well it would be one thing if you made 20 mil a year and bought a 10 mil worth of diamonds. But for a "regular" person to spend 50k on diamonds over 2 years, who make 30-40k a year. WOW That is so unfair to you

The kids issue hmm. I think it could be a problem if you want kids. He has a right to not want kids! He is being honest and has not changed his mind. It sounds like you are changing you mind? Which is fine, but you need to decide if you could live without kids if you were to marry him. It would not be fair to him or any person, to marry with the intent of never having kids and then deciding you can't live without them. I have seen it. People either pressure the spouse to have kids or they leave them.

I am sorry if I sound mean or harsh. I can't imagine any other positive traits that would make up for these huge issues. Even if he is a "nice" guy who "loves" you so much, he is not acting like it. Even if he is "perfect" in every other way, he is being incredibly awful in these areas. So much that if he does not nip it in the bud immediately, I would be out the door. In a second.

I am so sorry! I hope whatever happens, you will be happy. It may take some time for you to be happy, but in the end that is my wish for you.

He is selfish, there's no denying that. We both work full-time. He is going to school full-time, I'm going part-time. He also is the President of three student organizations that takes up a lot of time. He physically has more to do in a week than I do, so to an extent me doing more around the house is fine, butI feel like he takes advantage of that a lot and will even ask me to get him things when he is home and more than capable of doing it himself.

I agree with you, I think the amount of money he spends on hobbies is outrageous. Even if we had all the money in the world, I think it's crazy. I'm just a very practical person, raised with very little and have had to make my own way. He grew up very, privileged, we'll say.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

The funny thing is, your BF sounds like a really neat person. His hobbies are interesting and fun, and, aside from your paying his way in terms of household expenses (yikes, stop doing that right away, seriously, you need that money for the next step in your life) he's doing okay living within his means. He's doing just what I would want, say, my 24 year old son to be doing at that age: enjoying his youth and child-free years. It's sorta like that 50-cent song, "She should have what she wants, just not from me." It's great that he's doing those things, but not cool that you're taking care of everything else to enable his fun life.

Also, w/r/t telling him and seeing if he changes, that sounds like a recipe for later resentment. Seems like he's living life how he wants to, and like you said above about sharing finances, you want him to want to treat you differently. If that's not in the cards, he's just not the right person for you at this point in your life.

He really is a neat person.

Re: talking with him about these things, you don't think it's worth laying it out in the open and seeing if he does want to change? I'm (guessing) that he's probably totally in the dark about anything even being wrong, so just sitting him down and saying it's over, doesn't seem right to me I guess.

Well, yeah...I guess I'm in the minority here, but I don't understand the advice to break up with him when you haven't even spoken to him about any of this! IMO, that's the first step...you basically have an outline of what you want to say right in your first post. I think the guy deserves a chance to hear your side of things and at least have an opportunity to respond. Who knows, maybe he'll be upset that you're unhappy and be willing to work on things. Then again, maybe not, but you need to find out for sure. By all means discuss your worries and concerns, you have every right. You aren't happy about things in the relationship, so you should definitely have a serious conversation with him. But to just tell him it's over, out of the blue? (at least to him). I just think that's drastic at this point.

That said, I will say that you do have some serious issues in your relationship, and there is a decent chance that you both just have too different an outlook on some major things. But I still say he should at least have the opportunity to address your worries.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do, in the end you certainly have to do what's best for you. Keep us posted if you can!

Hi junebug! I appreciate your input and agree with you. The fact that he doesn't know I'm unhappy does make me think that going straight for breakup is unfair and out of the blue. I also agree that our issues may not be fixable, but they still need to be laid out on the table for us to decide together. I will keep you all posted.

 

[katamari]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

You need to see a therapist about your own self esteem issues. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU AS AN EQUAL PARTNER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! To me, this is the dealbreaker. Not the kids or the hobbies or the money. Your partner is not caring, supportive, or considerate of you. Yet, you are vehemently defending a relationship with and supporting a man who takes advantage of you. It is not healthy for you to feel this way. So many of your comments have me concerned. For instance, it is not okay that you do all the work at home because he goes to school full-time and you go part-time. Big deal! You both work full-time. In addition to work, then, you must both be busy. Yet, he has plenty time for his hobbies and service projects?! Adults take care of their responsibilities first and then find time for leisure. I assume that since you are earning your Master's, you are committed to a career somewhat. Do you have any reason to believe your SO will be supportive of your career? You will only become more resentful of him. I truly believe this.

A therapist will also help you decide what to do about your relationship issues. Yes, you might be well advised to give him a chance to change his ways. He deserves to know he should be contributing equally to his relationship, if only as a service to the next woman he has a relationship with. It will also give you someone to focus on, instead of the misery of your relationship, until your lease ends. If he does change, great. But, you have to be committed to having a partner who treats you as his equal in order to help him become one. You have to believe you deserve it.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

You need to see a therapist about your own self esteem issues. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU AS AN EQUAL PARTNER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! To me, this is the dealbreaker. Not the kids or the hobbies or the money. Your partner is not caring, supportive, or considerate of you. Yet, you are vehemently defending a relationship with and supporting a man who takes advantage of you. It is not healthy for you to feel this way. So many of your comments have me concerned. For instance, it is not okay that you do all the work at home because he goes to school full-time and you go part-time. Big deal! You both work full-time. In addition to work, then, you must both be busy. Yet, he has plenty time for his hobbies and service projects?! Adults take care of their responsibilities first and then find time for leisure. I assume that since you are earning your Master's, you are committed to a career somewhat. Do you have any reason to believe your SO will be supportive of your career? You will only become more resentful of him. I truly believe this.

A therapist will also help you decide what to do about your relationship issues. Yes, you might be well advised to give him a chance to change his ways. He deserves to know he should be contributing equally to his relationship, if only as a service to the next woman he has a relationship with. It will also give you someone to focus on, instead of the misery of your relationship, until your lease ends. If he does change, great. But, you have to be committed to having a partner who treats you as his equal in order to help him become one. You have to believe you deserve it.

Hi katamari-I appreciate your take. While, yes, our relationship definitely has issues, hence the whole reason of this thread, he's not totally in the wrong. Like you pointed out, I have my own issues in that I've let it go on like this for so long. I've let him take advantage of me, he shouldn't, but I've let it. We're both in the wrong here which is why we need to talk this out. SO is supportive of my career choice and even was the one who encourage me to go for it when it's going to take a long time of post-bacc work in order to get there since it's totally out of field from my original BA. So I don't totally agree with your take. BF is caring and supportive in some ways, and not in others, he's not all bad, nor am I all good.

 

[rosetta]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Having read what you have written, I wouldn't stay with this man. I doubt he will ever marry you. He doesn't have a reason to. You are both mother and wife to him already. Why bother?

I do think you have poor self esteem to put up with this so long. I know it's scary but it's time for a serious chat with him. If he doesn't make immediate efforts to change, then walk away.

Do not fear. You are very young and will find someone more worthy. I didn't find my husband until I was 30.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Your comment about having to buy all household items gave me an idea. But it involves you being really strong, which, based on your posts, I think you can do.

Tell him your goal is to have $xxxx in savings by whatever date. This is more fun if it isn't a formal conversation, especially since he's made it clear he isn't interested in talking about budgets. Say you have examined your budget and determined areas where you can cut back. He probably won't ask any questions. If he does, say you are going to cut back on general household expenses.

Now, next time you go to the store, buy your stuff. For you. He's a grown man, you don't need to buy his soap. You don't need to buy his food. You're not his mother or his wife.

Eventually, he'll catch on and ask you what's going on. Remind him of your goal. Remind him of HIS desire to keep things separate. If he doesn't want to act like a team, it's none of his damn business what you do with your money. He wants to be financially independent from you, so you need to be independent from him.

And, this isn't meant to be at all mean, why would he have any incentive to change the status quo? He basically has a woman doing all of her "wifely duties" with absolutely no cost to him. He gets to play around with his hobbies and you have to absorb all of the adult costs. Seriously, the more I think about it, you are acting as his mother. He needs to grow up, and he won't do it with you around.

I think this is a great idea.

I agree with is advice, except I would not even tell him that I was going to save xxx dollars. It's really none of his concern, according to what he has said and done with regards to keeping his own finances secret. I do think you should talk to him before breaking it off out of the blue, but I would hold off the talk for a bit and just start making the changes that you need to make regardless of the outcome of the talks. For example, start paying yourself first. Every month, put a pre-determined amount of money into savings. Pay the rent and your savings account on the first of the month. period. Then spend money on YOUR necessities like soap, clothes, whatever. When it comes to food, buy less expensive food that will be easy to make dinner at home, like pasta or chicken breasts, or fresh vegetables, or those steamer things. If you want to eat takeout, eat it at lunch when you are alone. Don't pick up takeout for the two of you anymore. If he wants takeout, he can go get it and bring you some too just like you've always done. If he's too lazy to do that, then he can eat at home too. Even if he eats the food you bought for at-home dinners, it's cheaper than takeout at least. At the end of the month, if you have money leftover, put that into savings as well! If he asks you why you don't want to go get takeout or spend money on this or that for him, just tell him that you don't have the money this month. And you won't be lying because you don't. You already put it into savings. If he asks why you don't have money, you don't have to lie. Just don't volunteer information about your finances. He probably won't ask because then he'd be open to the same questions in return.

Start working out or improving your diet or getting regular haircuts or whatever it is you feel you need to do in order to improve yourself since you said you feel you've let yourself go a bit.

Make these changes independent of him. Take a month or two to only focus on YOU and what you want to change about your life regarding finances and personal care. Then you can start the talking process to see if he is going to be in your life or not.

Good luck, dear! Some people just aren't ready to be married at 24, and that doesn't make them a bad person at all! It may mean as you said, that you are just heading different directions and need to separate. You don't have to loathe him or think ill of him in order to realize that you are incompatible. With the amount of objective thought you've given this, I am sure that everything will turn out fine for you, whether you stay together or separate.