Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[amc80]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He jumped in with the fact that it's true, a good majority of people do get divorced and that he's a realist and didn't mean for those comments to hurt me.

First of all, it sounds like you guys had a great conversation, and that's an awesome start. So well done.

I have two concerns. The first is the quote above. Aside from the factual error, I would have NO desire to get married to someone with this attitude. My fear would be things would get rough and he would just say "fine, things are tough, let's get divorced." Since he views it as the norm and, possibly, the path of least resistance.

The second issue I see is the kids thing. I think the fact that you are even slightly more open to kids than you used to be (you went from "definitely no" to "I'm not sure") shows that you will *probably* move more and more in that direction as you get older. I don't know you, obviously, but I do know a lot of people who, in their younger days, were definitively in the "no kids" camp. All it took was growing up a little and being with the right person. It may seem like you guys are on the same page, but "no way" and "I don't know" are actually miles away.

Also, this may be too personal, but what happens if you get pregnant accidentally? Is he still in the "no kids" camp?

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Right now he's panicking and scrambling. What we know for sure is that he liked things EXACTLY AS THEY WERE. And we know he's claiming that he'll change things to meet you in the middle. What we DON'T know is a) if he'll follow through b) if he'll LIKE THE NEW SITUATION. I'm guessing: he won't. Change ain't easy. But at least you'll know you tried to communicate your (new or newly discovered) needs before pulling the plug.

 

[Anonymous]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hmmm. Okay a lot to process there. I think it's really good that you had the conversation with him. I have to admit that I personally could not handle being put in the position of having to spend the rest of my days telling my partner what he needs to do. He should be involved in your relationship enough to see these things for himself.

Regarding chores.. I'm not sure how many hours a week he spends on recreational activities/clubs (flying, etc.). I'm not sure how disproportionate your work schedules are. I think that if he's including anything other than actual WORK vs extracurricular activities, that's unfair. I also think that unless you have the personality type that doesn't get frustrated and just do it yourself instead of asking him to do something for the umpteenth time, it's just not going to work. Maybe the red flag here is personal for me because that's EXACTLY what my ex did. I spent a couple of years picking up after him, a couple of years trying to teach him how to do it himself by asking and reminding, then finally a couple of years just doing it myself because I was sick of reminding him. If he needs help getting started, okay...great...wonderful! If he expects this to be the way it goes on forever, that's going to get really old and just won't work.

Regarding money...It sounds like he's opening up about finances, and that's good. It does sound like he's in panic mode and going to extremes (think crash diets). It needs to be something that he can live with. Honestly, if he's not in a position to have an expensive hobby like flying, then he SHOULD stop because he never should have started in the first place! Take up model airplane building and flying. Go to air shows. Buy the latest and greatest flight sim for his computer. When he makes enough money to not drive you into debt by flying, then by all means pick it up again.

The picture I get is that he's going to do what you tell him to do around the house and give you money to help pay for the shopping. I honestly think he should do this with you if at all possible for a variety of reasons, but mostly just to be present with you as a team and be more aware of what's going on. It just feels like he spends a great deal of non-working hours doing his own thing while you take care of pets, shop for the house and do a majority of the cleaning. He'll contribute money and pick up his socks, for now. Unless he's working 50+ hours a week and you're working 40 or less, I just don't see that as a equal partnership.

I'm sorry, I just see a LOT and I mean a LOT of the same stuff my ex said and it never got better for more than a couple of months. Using one's personality as an excuse for why they're oblivious is a HUGE sore spot for me. I hope things work out for you guys, it just feels like he's really trying to pin most of this on you for not telling him, a grown man, what he should already know.

ETA: Regarding kids, it's really tough. On one hand, he's right...if you're still in the "no" camp but are worried about it in the future, it seems like a rash decision to split up for that alone. On the other hand, you're right...what happens if you are just one of many women that can't see having kids but it's because of where you're at in life. In my early 20's, I really didn't think I'd want them. I was afraid of being a bad mom, I was afraid to have them w/my partner because he was too much of a child for me as it was. As it turned out, at 24 I had a surprise pregnancy. I was TERRIFIED. I knew our relationship wasn't at the stage where we had any business having children, but I very quickly (literally overnight) did a complete 180. You NEED to know what the plan would be if you did end up with a surprise. I know that's a very personal situation, but at least between the two of you there needs to be some kind of concrete answer for it, unless he is so sure that he's willing to go get a vasectomy now. So complicated.

 

[zipzapgirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

So I read through your entire post and every response and I think you are doing the right thing in starting the discussions about what makes you unhappy and what you need to see change. I know I have in the past accepted things in relationships that made me unhappy, bacause standing up for what I wanted or rejecting what I didn't want often seemed like so much more trouble than sucking it up. It took me a long time to get to the point where I realized that I have to blow the whistle when things start to bother me and not wait until my volcano was about to erupt.

It sounds like a very productive discussion, but now *both* of you have a lot of work to do. He made a lot of promises about actions and spending that he needs to follow through on. He placed some of the impetus on you to "let him know" when you are paying for too much or doing too many household tasks. Follow through! Keep track of expenses (You are Type A, so this should be easy) and time spent on chores and figure out a way to communicate the things that need to be done in a way that is acceptable to both of you. If this is a joint or separate to-do list, a mini-meeting once a week, or an as-needed request, do it.

Separately, you need to take a step back and think about what *you* want. If this involves new hobbies or some sort of self-discovery, all the better. I spent the first year after a bad breakup determined to say yes to every opportunity that came my way, even if I really secretly thought I would hate it. I went to sports events, intramural games, rollerblading, art galleries, tried new exotic foods, etc. Some things didn't stick, but overall I became a much more interesting and varied person and the "bad" stories are sometimes the funniest. I met a lot of people this way who I would normally never have met. And it was so good for perspective!

Get out there and figure out what the single gals are doing. You said you had let yourself go a bit, so get to the gym or get active, take some fitness classes, and get a new haircut. Clean out your closet, get a bikini wax Get yourself ready as if you were going to hit the dating scene--it will raise your self-confidence and you'll feel more in control no matter where this leads.

Hang in there and reserve the right to change your mind. Even if he does everything you asked, you still have every right to say no if it doesn't feel right in your heart. It might take a while, but you will figure it out and you'll know what you should do. Just wait for your moment of clarity to come and work on figuring out the relationship and yourself in the meantime.

 

[zipzapgirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I just wanted to add that I think you're going to have to try to work through this and give it your best shot. I know a lot of people have expressed strong doubts on this board, but in my experience, sometimes you just need to really reach the end of the road before you can admit to yourself that you've at a dead end.

 

[rockclimber]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advicepls,

a rather nice thing about the anonymous nature of boards like this is that you can ask the tough questions you're asking and receive honest advice from people who may be a bit farther down the road than you and have some wisdom to share. Can't help but jump in with my 2 cents:

-You're soooo young to be tied down for as long as you have. What you find attractive in a person is going to evolve over time....the same traits you found appealing in your current BF are already not meshing with what you need now, and that will likely continue to be the case until you're a bit older.

-You really need to be able to stand on your own two feet and be happy independant of anyone else before you can build a life with someone else. The good news is that as overwhelming as it may seem to you, on paper it's not as scary as it could be. You have a decent income, no kids, and it sounds like your BF has gone out of his way to make sure you are not tangled together in anyway that couldn't be undone quickly.

-If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't worry so much about how to let your BF know how you're feeling. I'm guessing he's well aware of it ...and either doesn't care or takes you for granted to such an extent that he won't know how you (or he) feels until you're out the door....

-and out the door is exactly where I think you need to be heading....the bottom line is you need time apart to see your situation clearly. The logistics are managable and will work out.

-If I can be a bit transparent with you sweetie - I think you've trained your BF how to treat you, and now you need to learn how to treat yourself.

All the best to you....and listen to all us middle aged ladies who've been married 20+ years....we know what we're talking about. It will work out and your best years are yet to come.

 

[Seattle SC]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Well it sounds like you had a really productive talk and got a lot laid out on the table to hopefully deal with. I'm going to go out on a limb and question whether all these issues you brought up are maybe too little too late? You seem satisfied with his answers and he seemed to agree to everything you said and wished was different (except the kids issue) but I don't get the feeling that you're totally convinced or actually happy with his soon to be changes? It's definately scary to reconsider a relationship, espectially if it's been such a strong foundation in your life for so long. I would watch how this pans out for the next couple of weeks but even more importantly you need to evaluate how happy you really are or if you're just being content.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm really glad you got the chance to converse with him about how you feel. It is surprising at times how clueless men can be....but it sounds like he is willing to compromise. Of course the best situation is for someone to know what you need and to act it. For instance, seeing a pile of clean laundry on the bed and instantly folding it without being asked. Or knowing ahead of time how much a grocery budget is going to be. I've discovered the men I've been with who naturally do this are somewhat rare. The next best thing is someone who helps you when you ask for that help. I've learned that's good enough. If I ask and they help without question or complaint, I can't complain. What you want to watch for is someone who ignores you or makes a big fuss when you ask for help.

Since your SO mentioned that you need to tell him when you need help, give him the chance to help. He may things "wrong" or slowly or whatnot, but let him try now that he's offered.

Abruptly stopping his flying hobbies is drastic and somewhat dramatic in my opinion. "It's not what you say but what you do..." I find myself using that phrase a lot when I get a declaration of sorts from someone. Still, I don't know your SO, so he may just be so shaken that he gave that as his response. I'm glad you said that you didn't want him to stop completely.

The part that is of concern for me is the children issues. I used to think I was in the "No" category until I was with someone who I felt extremely compatible emotionally and physically with. I had this strange biological urge to procreate with him. It seemed so naturally and I can't really explain it. Ultimately we split due to our families, but I realized at that time that how I feel about kids actually changes depending on who I am with. there's also the biological clock issue. Your BF doesn't have to worry about age. He can always easily change his mind later while you have biology working against you. You might change your mind down the road and want children and if he isn't on the same page as you, this could be difficult to work out.

And if he did decide to have kids, what kind of dad would he be? If he's not going the extra mile to take care of you, you will be the one doing the heavy lifting with the children. I don't buy his "he thinks it's silly to break up over something that we're both currently still on the same page about on the off chance that I *might* change my mind" bit.

Anyhow, keep us in the loops. Sounds like some progress is being made!

While the talk itself wasn’t fun to have, I do actually feel a *bit* better about everything. He really was totally clueless, and he has made some pretty big promises to change. Whether he can or will, time will tell. His actions will speak volumes over the next few months.

I agree that abruptly stopping flying seemed dramatic. I did tell him that’s not what I wanted directly; I want financial stability, open communication, and full disclosure. Flying, however, with our salaries and obligations does not equal financial stability. He was the one to point this out. Indirectly if financial stability, savings, etc is something I do want, him flying is not. Not because I don’t want him to be happy, but because it isn’t in the budget.

The part that is still concerning to me, too, is children. I do feel that since my sister’s baby was born (nearly a year ago) that my tune has changed from oh no, not ever, to being completely unsure of myself. This is probably the hardest part since other than this, with work I think we could make each other happy.

It sounds like you had a good talk. I'm glad you were open with him, I think communication is key.

As for me - you're right, kids were a major issue with us. I didn't want them, he did. After a while, I did some thinking and said that yes, I wanted kids, and we'd have a family someday. Honestly? I was never totally comfortable with that decision, which was pretty much summed up the day I told my friend about the break-up and said, "Now I don't have to have kids!" I would always see them as something that I *had* to do, not really something I wanted. I do feel very strongly that if I have them, I want to adopt, but it's a HUGE "if". But for him, it was never an "if" - it was a when. Kind of the opposite issue with you and your BF. And I was never 100% comfortable with the decision that I had made, and looking back, I think a lot of it was fear of losing him that made me decide the way that I did. When you're thinking about your fairytale, think about kids, too. I think you're being very fair to yourself realizing you may need it as a possibility, and honestly, I don't think it's unreasonable to break it off if you think you'll never be 100% on the same page on this issue. It's a huge issue, and something that really, truly does end marriages. Better to end things now and spare yourself the resentment and anger later, IMHO. But that's just me.

Anyways, I'm here for you and happy to let you bounce ideas off of me if you need it. Sometimes hearing somebody that's done what you're thinking about can help you clarify what you're thinking - either because you strongly agree with it, or strongly disagree with it.

*hug*

Communication is key. If we can keep communicating, we can keep evaluating. You’re description is something I wonder about, if I’m not leaning more towards not wanting them since my subconscious knows that he doesn’t want them. Thanks for the support princesss, I’ll take all the *hugs* I can get!

He jumped in with the fact that it's true, a good majority of people do get divorced and that he's a realist and didn't mean for those comments to hurt me.

First of all, it sounds like you guys had a great conversation, and that's an awesome start. So well done.

I have two concerns. The first is the quote above. Aside from the factual error, I would have NO desire to get married to someone with this attitude. My fear would be things would get rough and he would just say "fine, things are tough, let's get divorced." Since he views it as the norm and, possibly, the path of least resistance.

The second issue I see is the kids thing. I think the fact that you are even slightly more open to kids than you used to be (you went from "definitely no" to "I'm not sure") shows that you will *probably* move more and more in that direction as you get older. I don't know you, obviously, but I do know a lot of people who, in their younger days, were definitively in the "no kids" camp. All it took was growing up a little and being with the right person. It may seem like you guys are on the same page, but "no way" and "I don't know" are actually miles away.

Also, this may be too personal, but what happens if you get pregnant accidentally? Is he still in the "no kids" camp?

In terms of his divorce comments, it’s actually quite the contrary. He’s very traditional in that he thinks the divorce rate is as high as it is because people who shouldn’t get married, do. (though not always the case). He’s always complained about how people just don’t talk things out and work on things before rushing to sign divorce papers. He’s pretty against divorce in general which is also why I think he’s semi-paranoid about getting married without being absolutely utterly certain and knowing that the person you’re with is willing to work with him. I’m not trying to justify it, as the comments hurt me, but I’d never said anything before. Now that’s he’s aware that they hurt my feelings, he’s apologized and I’ll be sure to call him out on it if he ever says anything like that again. The second issue really is on kids. You’re right, I’m more open to the idea now than I used to be, but I also (as I told him last night) don’t feel that I’m even old enough to really have to make that big of a decision for myself yet. In terms of accidental pregnancy (though possible) would be extremely unlikely between the IUD I have and the additional use of barrier protection. If it were to happen, I think it would depend on where we were. He’s said before it’s not something he wants and isn’t sure what he’d want to do. He’s against abortion, I am not, though I don’t know if it’s something I could/would go through with if in that situation. He would want me/us to carry to term and put the child up for adoption, I’m not sure I can put a child I carried for 9 months up for adoption unless we really were in no position whatsoever to care for it.

Right now he's panicking and scrambling. What we know for sure is that he liked things EXACTLY AS THEY WERE. And we know he's claiming that he'll change things to meet you in the middle. What we DON'T know is a) if he'll follow through b) if he'll LIKE THE NEW SITUATION. I'm guessing: he won't. Change ain't easy. But at least you'll know you tried to communicate your (new or newly discovered) needs before pulling the plug.

I think he did panic a bit. He was scared, I could see that. He’ll certainly have to decide for himself how/what he wants to do in terms of this situation and what he can be happy with. Change isn’t easy, but what’s going on isn’t working either, so…

Hmmm. Okay a lot to process there. I think it's really good that you had the conversation with him. I have to admit that I personally could not handle being put in the position of having to spend the rest of my days telling my partner what he needs to do. He should be involved in your relationship enough to see these things for himself.

Regarding chores.. I'm not sure how many hours a week he spends on recreational activities/clubs (flying, etc.). I'm not sure how disproportionate your work schedules are. I think that if he's including anything other than actual WORK vs extracurricular activities, that's unfair. I also think that unless you have the personality type that doesn't get frustrated and just do it yourself instead of asking him to do something for the umpteenth time, it's just not going to work. Maybe the red flag here is personal for me because that's EXACTLY what my ex did. I spent a couple of years picking up after him, a couple of years trying to teach him how to do it himself by asking and reminding, then finally a couple of years just doing it myself because I was sick of reminding him. If he needs help getting started, okay...great...wonderful! If he expects this to be the way it goes on forever, that's going to get really old and just won't work.

Regarding money...It sounds like he's opening up about finances, and that's good. It does sound like he's in panic mode and going to extremes (think crash diets). It needs to be something that he can live with. Honestly, if he's not in a position to have an expensive hobby like flying, then he SHOULD stop because he never should have started in the first place! Take up model airplane building and flying. Go to air shows. Buy the latest and greatest flight sim for his computer. When he makes enough money to not drive you into debt by flying, then by all means pick it up again.

The picture I get is that he's going to do what you tell him to do around the house and give you money to help pay for the shopping. I honestly think he should do this with you if at all possible for a variety of reasons, but mostly just to be present with you as a team and be more aware of what's going on. It just feels like he spends a great deal of non-working hours doing his own thing while you take care of pets, shop for the house and do a majority of the cleaning. He'll contribute money and pick up his socks, for now. Unless he's working 50+ hours a week and you're working 40 or less, I just don't see that as a equal partnership.

I'm sorry, I just see a LOT and I mean a LOT of the same stuff my ex said and it never got better for more than a couple of months. Using one's personality as an excuse for why they're oblivious is a HUGE sore spot for me. I hope things work out for you guys, it just feels like he's really trying to pin most of this on you for not telling him, a grown man, what he should already know.

ETA: Regarding kids, it's really tough. On one hand, he's right...if you're still in the "no" camp but are worried about it in the future, it seems like a rash decision to split up for that alone. On the other hand, you're right...what happens if you are just one of many women that can't see having kids but it's because of where you're at in life. In my early 20's, I really didn't think I'd want them. I was afraid of being a bad mom, I was afraid to have them w/my partner because he was too much of a child for me as it was. As it turned out, at 24 I had a surprise pregnancy. I was TERRIFIED. I knew our relationship wasn't at the stage where we had any business having children, but I very quickly (literally overnight) did a complete 180. You NEED to know what the plan would be if you did end up with a surprise. I know that's a very personal situation, but at least between the two of you there needs to be some kind of concrete answer for it, unless he is so sure that he's willing to go get a vasectomy now. So complicated.

I think we definitely made some process at least. My expectation of the chores thing will be that while he may need prompting now, it’s going to be prompting of the same things until he gets that that’s what he needs to do. He’s by no means unintelligent, and (if he actually is paying enough attention to care) will figure it out. BF works NO LESS than 60 hours per week. I work 40. He works 60 hours a week (a full-time job for 40, and part-time doing contract work for himself at least 20) and is going to school full-time. I do work full-time and go to school part-time, but I am by no means as busy as he is, and I do acknowledge that and understand give and take. I’m just the kind of persons that feels the need to be appreciated and affirmed in that what I’m doing is appreciated (I score very high in words of affirmation in the 5 languages of love, he scores very high in acts of service if that helps). While I do agree that he should stop flying because it isn’t in the budget, I would NEVER ask or tell him it’s something he needed to do. These are decisions he has to make for himself. Period. I don’t know if can/will be able to do it, but that he even offered is one step towards maybe moving in the right direction. Again, in terms of kids, I need to reflect and decide what I want in my future. He’s made his choice and is comfortable and happy with it. I really haven’t and only feel completely and utterly stressed about it. He did mention that as long as we’re on the same page, we’re good and to let him know if I change my mind and vice versa. He said it’s a deal breaker for him and I believe it. I asked what would happen if we were already married and I was wavering, was it something he’d even think about? He said if hadn’t had the thought on his own accord that it was something he may want, he would want no kids, or a divorce, plain and simple. It’s not in the cards for him to have children.

So I read through your entire post and every response and I think you are doing the right thing in starting the discussions about what makes you unhappy and what you need to see change. I know I have in the past accepted things in relationships that made me unhappy, bacause standing up for what I wanted or rejecting what I didn't want often seemed like so much more trouble than sucking it up. It took me a long time to get to the point where I realized that I have to blow the whistle when things start to bother me and not wait until my volcano was about to erupt.

It sounds like a very productive discussion, but now *both* of you have a lot of work to do. He made a lot of promises about actions and spending that he needs to follow through on. He placed some of the impetus on you to "let him know" when you are paying for too much or doing too many household tasks. Follow through! Keep track of expenses (You are Type A, so this should be easy) and time spent on chores and figure out a way to communicate the things that need to be done in a way that is acceptable to both of you. If this is a joint or separate to-do list, a mini-meeting once a week, or an as-needed request, do it.

Separately, you need to take a step back and think about what *you* want. If this involves new hobbies or some sort of self-discovery, all the better. I spent the first year after a bad breakup determined to say yes to every opportunity that came my way, even if I really secretly thought I would hate it. I went to sports events, intramural games, rollerblading, art galleries, tried new exotic foods, etc. Some things didn't stick, but overall I became a much more interesting and varied person and the "bad" stories are sometimes the funniest. I met a lot of people this way who I would normally never have met. And it was so good for perspective!

Get out there and figure out what the single gals are doing. You said you had let yourself go a bit, so get to the gym or get active, take some fitness classes, and get a new haircut. Clean out your closet, get a bikini wax Get yourself ready as if you were going to hit the dating scene--it will raise your self-confidence and you'll feel more in control no matter where this leads.

Hang in there and reserve the right to change your mind. Even if he does everything you asked, you still have every right to say no if it doesn't feel right in your heart. It might take a while, but you will figure it out and you'll know what you should do. Just wait for your moment of clarity to come and work on figuring out the relationship and yourself in the meantime.

We do have lots of work to do and I promised myself I will take the next few weeks and months to evaluate how things are progressing/changing. Honestly, we have similar conversations about money, this is the most serious about change he’s ever been. I like your say yes to all opportunities policy if I end up being single again, it’s true, it could have you come out with finding out things you enjoy doing that you never thought you would! Thanks for the support!

I just wanted to add that I think you're going to have to try to work through this and give it your best shot. I know a lot of people have expressed strong doubts on this board, but in my experience, sometimes you just need to really reach the end of the road before you can admit to yourself that you've at a dead end.

I agree, I’m putting my best foot forward and want to see what we can do. I think I would end up regretting a decision to leave if we haven’t tried everything.

Advicepls,

a rather nice thing about the anonymous nature of boards like this is that you can ask the tough questions you're asking and receive honest advice from people who may be a bit farther down the road than you and have some wisdom to share. Can't help but jump in with my 2 cents:

-You're soooo young to be tied down for as long as you have. What you find attractive in a person is going to evolve over time....the same traits you found appealing in your current BF are already not meshing with what you need now, and that will likely continue to be the case until you're a bit older.

-You really need to be able to stand on your own two feet and be happy independant of anyone else before you can build a life with someone else. The good news is that as overwhelming as it may seem to you, on paper it's not as scary as it could be. You have a decent income, no kids, and it sounds like your BF has gone out of his way to make sure you are not tangled together in anyway that couldn't be undone quickly.

-If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't worry so much about how to let your BF know how you're feeling. I'm guessing he's well aware of it ...and either doesn't care or takes you for granted to such an extent that he won't know how you (or he) feels until you're out the door....

-and out the door is exactly where I think you need to be heading....the bottom line is you need time apart to see your situation clearly. The logistics are managable and will work out.

-If I can be a bit transparent with you sweetie - I think you've trained your BF how to treat you, and now you need to learn how to treat yourself.

All the best to you....and listen to all us middle aged ladies who've been married 20+ years....we know what we're talking about. It will work out and your best years are yet to come.

I agree, I am young, but I can’t undo the history I have up to this point. I probably would do things differently if I were to go back in time and take more time to consider things before acting, but it’s done. We’ve been living together for years and it’s time to face the issues. We’re likely to evolve even more over the next few years so I think this is a true test to whether or not we’ll be able to evolve and grow together, or not. Transparency is what I came to you all for, and I truly appreciate all feedback more than you guys know, good or bad.

Well it sounds like you had a really productive talk and got a lot laid out on the table to hopefully deal with. I'm going to go out on a limb and question whether all these issues you brought up are maybe too little too late? You seem satisfied with his answers and he seemed to agree to everything you said and wished was different (except the kids issue) but I don't get the feeling that you're totally convinced or actually happy with his soon to be changes? It's definately scary to reconsider a relationship, espectially if it's been such a strong foundation in your life for so long. I would watch how this pans out for the next couple of weeks but even more importantly you need to evaluate how happy you really are or if you're just being content.

Productive talk, yes. I am satisfied with his answers, he was more open than ever, and honest, however, his actions will speak loudest over the next few weeks or months. It is scary and at this point I’m just trying to take it a day at a time. I don’t want to be content with my life, I want to be truly happy. I do believe he can do that for me, but he has to want to.

 

[junebug17]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm glad you had a chance to have a talk with your SO, and it seems like it was pretty productive to me! I think you did a great job expressing everything you've been feeling. He sounded very receptive, and now time will tell, as you said. And, oh, how I hate to say this, but I'm afraid you're going to have to do some serious soul-searching on the children issue. But you sound like you're well aware of that, so I guess you don't need some old lady telling you what to do! Big hugs to you, this must be a difficult and scary time for you, and I really hope you and your SO can work things out.

 

[ElizabethR]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advicepls,
You said:
I don’t want to be content with my life, I want to be truly happy. I do believe he can do that for me, but he has to want to.

First let me say, I think you've done a great job in getting together and discussing these very important issues you are facing. But it seems to me from your last statement that you are looking to him to make you happy. If that is the case you are going to be very disappointed. No other person outside of oneself can make us happy. They can contribute to our happiness, but not be the full cause of it. We have to be truly happy with ourself first. Are you happy with who you are? With who you have become? Are you happy in yourself? If he was out of the picture would you be a whole, happy and content person? These are just some thoughts that hit me when i read that last line.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,
Elizabeth

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm glad you had a chance to have a talk with your SO, and it seems like it was pretty productive to me! I think you did a great job expressing everything you've been feeling. He sounded very receptive, and now time will tell, as you said. And, oh, how I hate to say this, but I'm afraid you're going to have to do some serious soul-searching on the children issue. But you sound like you're well aware of that, so I guess you don't need some old lady telling you what to do! Big hugs to you, this must be a difficult and scary time for you, and I really hope you and your SO can work things out.

He did sound receptive, and we'll see how it goes. Yesterday he was kind of distant (he did follow through with things he said he would around the house). So last night I asked him if he was alright and he said he was fine and that just isn't feeling very affectionate after the talk from the night before and just to give him some time. I don't think he was lying when he said he had no idea that I was unhappy and I think he's hurt since he feels it's his fault that I feel that way (not totally true and I've told him that). We'll see how the next few days go and see if he can settle into doing these new things but while getting back to himself personality wise.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advicepls,
You said:
I don’t want to be content with my life, I want to be truly happy. I do believe he can do that for me, but he has to want to.

First let me say, I think you've done a great job in getting together and discussing these very important issues you are facing. But it seems to me from your last statement that you are looking to him to make you happy. If that is the case you are going to be very disappointed. No other person outside of oneself can make us happy. They can contribute to our happiness, but not be the full cause of it. We have to be truly happy with ourself first. Are you happy with who you are? With who you have become? Are you happy in yourself? If he was out of the picture would you be a whole, happy and content person? These are just some thoughts that hit me when i read that last line.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,
Elizabeth

I'm not looking for him to make me happy, that was poor choice of wording. I meant that I feel that I can be happy with him. I'm happy with where I am in my life, my schooling, my job, friends, so yes, I'd say I'm a happy and content person if he's taken out of the equation. I used to be this same person and still be happy and content with him. We've been there so I know deep down we can be there again. I think the one thing that can make it all unravel is whatever it is I eventually decide about children.

 

[ElizabethR]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Here's a thought (another one of my thoughts ) Have you considered having your sister's baby over for the night? Maybe having to care for a little one for a whole day and night might help you see your true heart on the subject? As I said, just another thought.

All the very best,
Elizabeth

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I just wanted to add that I think you're going to have to try to work through this and give it your best shot. I know a lot of people have expressed strong doubts on this board, but in my experience, sometimes you just need to really reach the end of the road before you can admit to yourself that you've at a dead end.

I completely agree with this. Based on my experience, it seems that women tend to go through all of the emotions of breaking up before actually breaking up. We think about how it would feel, we worry about it, we analyze it. By the time it gets to the point of actually breaking up, it feels more like a relief than anything. For men, the emotions don't really start until it happens.

I think it's important to know you've given it your all before pulling the plug. Otherwise the guilt takes over and you end up getting pulled back in. You question if you did enough, if you gave it enough time. It's dangerous--you have to be committed to the breakup and that only happens when you've reached the end of the road.

Advice, I think you are doing a great job of recognizing your needs and being open about it. My biggest fear for your relationship is the kids issue. You're still so young and if you're starting to wonder if you might want kids in the future, my gut says that feeling will grow as you get older. I know that you will be fine no matter what you decide.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Here's a thought (another one of my thoughts ) Have you considered having your sister's baby over for the night? Maybe having to care for a little one for a whole day and night might help you see your true heart on the subject? As I said, just another thought.

All the very best,
Elizabeth

I wish! My sister lives a few hours away so that's not really possible without her coming along, especially at this age.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I just wanted to add that I think you're going to have to try to work through this and give it your best shot. I know a lot of people have expressed strong doubts on this board, but in my experience, sometimes you just need to really reach the end of the road before you can admit to yourself that you've at a dead end.

I completely agree with this. Based on my experience, it seems that women tend to go through all of the emotions of breaking up before actually breaking up. We think about how it would feel, we worry about it, we analyze it. By the time it gets to the point of actually breaking up, it feels more like a relief than anything. For men, the emotions don't really start until it happens.

I think it's important to know you've given it your all before pulling the plug. Otherwise the guilt takes over and you end up getting pulled back in. You question if you did enough, if you gave it enough time. It's dangerous--you have to be committed to the breakup and that only happens when you've reached the end of the road.

Advice, I think you are doing a great job of recognizing your needs and being open about it. My biggest fear for your relationship is the kids issue. You're still so young and if you're starting to wonder if you might want kids in the future, my gut says that feeling will grow as you get older. I know that you will be fine no matter what you decide.

I think you're right, I've been thinking about all the scenarios the ifs, the buts, but I bet they haven't even started crossing his mind (short of the few minutes of him freaking out before we actually started talking). I definitely plan to my heart and soul into this, I have been for years and I think it's only fair to both of us to try. I'm certainly doing my best, but I also agree with you, my biggest fear is the kids issues. Part of me feels that if I'm wavering now, that I'm moving on the path of changing my mind completely. I have been reading some threads in FHH about being on the fence, etc trying to feel myself out. Also, the wanting but waiting thread had some insight that has me thinking. I feel like I can see myself with an infant (up to maybe 2 years) and I can see myself with an adult child in college. What I have a hard time picturing is having and enjoying all the time in between.

 

[monarch64]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm happy to hear that you had a discussion with your BF and that it went well. This could either be the beginning of some actual work (on his part) on your relationship, or it could be more along the lines of Decodelighted's post (backpedaling, scrambling, saying the right things in order to stop you from leaving). Time will tell, of course.

In the meantime, others have given you great advice as far as exploring your own needs and wants as a not-yet-engaged-or-married lady i.e. "single gal" and I wholeheartedly agree with them; you should be cultivating your own interests and see (if you have a renewed determination to stay in the relationship) how your passtimes fit in with his at this point. I don't know that it's necessarily realistic, a trial period of you sort of both being on your best behavior, but if it's worth a try to both of you, then at least you will both know you've put forth some real effort to please yourselves as well as your partner.

The child issue...that is definitely something that can change with time for both men and women, in my (limited) experience. All the advice in the world on that front will not give either of you the right answer--things either fall into place for you, or they don't. For me, it was a combination of meeting the RIGHT person and also timing (in my early-mid twenties I just didn't feel ready or willing to have children, plus I knew I wasn't with the person I wanted to father my offspring). Then again, you both could be on the exact same page and either accidentally get pregant, or not be able to. Double edged sword, sometimes. So many things in life are out of our control and this issue is one that most couples plan and usually come out fine, but that's not to say that happy couples don't face challenges either way (by that I mean, one partner is in the "no" camp, one partner isn't, etc.) It is a huge issue, but not insurmountable, imo.

You seem so levelheaded and I applaud you for handling your situation with intelligence and grace. You certainly seem to have the strength and character to deal with whatever happens. Wishing you the best...and offering hugs anytime...! Take care of yourself.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm happy to hear that you had a discussion with your BF and that it went well. This could either be the beginning of some actual work (on his part) on your relationship, or it could be more along the lines of Decodelighted's post (backpedaling, scrambling, saying the right things in order to stop you from leaving). Time will tell, of course.

In the meantime, others have given you great advice as far as exploring your own needs and wants as a not-yet-engaged-or-married lady i.e. "single gal" and I wholeheartedly agree with them; you should be cultivating your own interests and see (if you have a renewed determination to stay in the relationship) how your passtimes fit in with his at this point. I don't know that it's necessarily realistic, a trial period of you sort of both being on your best behavior, but if it's worth a try to both of you, then at least you will both know you've put forth some real effort to please yourselves as well as your partner.

The child issue...that is definitely something that can change with time for both men and women, in my (limited) experience. All the advice in the world on that front will not give either of you the right answer--things either fall into place for you, or they don't. For me, it was a combination of meeting the RIGHT person and also timing (in my early-mid twenties I just didn't feel ready or willing to have children, plus I knew I wasn't with the person I wanted to father my offspring). Then again, you both could be on the exact same page and either accidentally get pregant, or not be able to. Double edged sword, sometimes. So many things in life are out of our control and this issue is one that most couples plan and usually come out fine, but that's not to say that happy couples don't face challenges either way (by that I mean, one partner is in the "no" camp, one partner isn't, etc.) It is a huge issue, but not insurmountable, imo.

You seem so levelheaded and I applaud you for handling your situation with intelligence and grace. You certainly seem to have the strength and character to deal with whatever happens. Wishing you the best...and offering hugs anytime...! Take care of yourself.

I appreciate your thoughts and feedback! I feel like I'm putting everything I can into this and hope to yield a happy result, but it's going to be what it is. Like I said in a previous post, he's being sort of distant at the moment. Since the talk, he hasn't really said I love you or been affectionate (no kisses goodnight, etc). I know he's feeling hurt about what I said, but I had to get it out in the open. He has been (so far) holding to what he has promised with helping out etc. He texted me yesterday and said that he cancelled his plans for Saturday and wanted to do something together, so we'll see how that goes. I'm just afraid that if he's also not happy with whatever resolution we have at this point, it's still not a resolution. Just because it makes me happier, if it makes him miserable it's still not worth it. Hopefully his hurt will ease over the next few days and he'll start to feel better about some progress. If not, his unhappiness is as much an issue for me as mine was. I love him too much for him to be unhappy. He feels the same about me seeing as how he said he'd rather be more unhappy if it saved me from being so. I'd like us to find TOGETHER a situation that will makes us BOTH happy. If we can't both be happy together, then we probably shouldn't be together. Aside from all other issues. The kids one is still something that is stressing me out.

 

[rubybeth]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I don't have a lot to add, but I've been reading this thread since you began it and I applaud you for your courage to take a hard look at things before getting married. Too many people focus on planning the wedding and not on planning the marriage, so you're a smart cookie.

The things I do have to add:

1) The statistics about divorce are rather skewed. Marriages where one or both partners are younger than 25 have a significantly higher divorce rate than marriage between partners older than 25. Not to say that younger people can't make it, are doomed, etc. because I know it works out for a lot of people, but it's something like 65% of divorces involve younger than 25-year-olds, and 35% involve people older than 25. These are NOT exact numbers, but I remember it being a pretty huge difference.

2) I am pretty firmly in the 'no kids' camp myself right now, but DH is more open to the idea. I'm sure that's because I've thought about how much work is involved in being a mother, whereas he'd get to be the fun dad. This is something we discussed in depth before getting married and I said if he really and truly wanted child(ren) that we should break up because I couldn't guarantee that would ever be an option. He said he loved me more than the idea of kids, and we stayed together. I think that's one way of thinking about it: would you feel you are 'sacrificing' the option of kids to say with BF, or do you love him more than the option of kids? Also, how is he with kids? Does he truly hate children, or does he just not like the idea of giving up freedom, etc.? Would he be a good father? I know my DH would be a good father, and I don't think I could have married him if he detested children, because stuff happens and not all babies are planned. He himself was conceived on TWO forms of bc.

Hang in there, and know that you have a lot of support here. *hugs*

 

[monarch64]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm happy to hear that you had a discussion with your BF and that it went well. This could either be the beginning of some actual work (on his part) on your relationship, or it could be more along the lines of Decodelighted's post (backpedaling, scrambling, saying the right things in order to stop you from leaving). Time will tell, of course.

In the meantime, others have given you great advice as far as exploring your own needs and wants as a not-yet-engaged-or-married lady i.e. "single gal" and I wholeheartedly agree with them; you should be cultivating your own interests and see (if you have a renewed determination to stay in the relationship) how your passtimes fit in with his at this point. I don't know that it's necessarily realistic, a trial period of you sort of both being on your best behavior, but if it's worth a try to both of you, then at least you will both know you've put forth some real effort to please yourselves as well as your partner.

The child issue...that is definitely something that can change with time for both men and women, in my (limited) experience. All the advice in the world on that front will not give either of you the right answer--things either fall into place for you, or they don't. For me, it was a combination of meeting the RIGHT person and also timing (in my early-mid twenties I just didn't feel ready or willing to have children, plus I knew I wasn't with the person I wanted to father my offspring). Then again, you both could be on the exact same page and either accidentally get pregant, or not be able to. Double edged sword, sometimes. So many things in life are out of our control and this issue is one that most couples plan and usually come out fine, but that's not to say that happy couples don't face challenges either way (by that I mean, one partner is in the "no" camp, one partner isn't, etc.) It is a huge issue, but not insurmountable, imo.

You seem so levelheaded and I applaud you for handling your situation with intelligence and grace. You certainly seem to have the strength and character to deal with whatever happens. Wishing you the best...and offering hugs anytime...! Take care of yourself.

I appreciate your thoughts and feedback! I feel like I'm putting everything I can into this and hope to yield a happy result, but it's going to be what it is. Like I said in a previous post, he's being sort of distant at the moment. Since the talk, he hasn't really said I love you or been affectionate (no kisses goodnight, etc). I know he's feeling hurt about what I said, but I had to get it out in the open. He has been (so far) holding to what he has promised with helping out etc. He texted me yesterday and said that he cancelled his plans for Saturday and wanted to do something together, so we'll see how that goes. I'm just afraid that if he's also not happy with whatever resolution we have at this point, it's still not a resolution. Just because it makes me happier, if it makes him miserable it's still not worth it. Hopefully his hurt will ease over the next few days and he'll start to feel better about some progress. If not, his unhappiness is as much an issue for me as mine was. I love him too much for him to be unhappy. He feels the same about me seeing as how he said he'd rather be more unhappy if it saved me from being so. I'd like us to find TOGETHER a situation that will makes us BOTH happy. If we can't both be happy together, then we probably shouldn't be together. Aside from all other issues. The kids one is still something that is stressing me out.

Best of luck to you, sincerely. I really hope that you are able to obtain peace! I think that your relationship could go either way right now, but honestly I don't see it moving forward long term. I think you've given it a valiant effort and that will be that. Good for you...you have all of my support either way , though. Take care, advspls. At the end of the day, you'll know exactly what to do.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I don't have a lot to add, but I've been reading this thread since you began it and I applaud you for your courage to take a hard look at things before getting married. Too many people focus on planning the wedding and not on planning the marriage, so you're a smart cookie.

The things I do have to add:

1) The statistics about divorce are rather skewed. Marriages where one or both partners are younger than 25 have a significantly higher divorce rate than marriage between partners older than 25. Not to say that younger people can't make it, are doomed, etc. because I know it works out for a lot of people, but it's something like 65% of divorces involve younger than 25-year-olds, and 35% involve people older than 25. These are NOT exact numbers, but I remember it being a pretty huge difference.

2) I am pretty firmly in the 'no kids' camp myself right now, but DH is more open to the idea. I'm sure that's because I've thought about how much work is involved in being a mother, whereas he'd get to be the fun dad. This is something we discussed in depth before getting married and I said if he really and truly wanted child(ren) that we should break up because I couldn't guarantee that would ever be an option. He said he loved me more than the idea of kids, and we stayed together. I think that's one way of thinking about it: would you feel you are 'sacrificing' the option of kids to say with BF, or do you love him more than the option of kids? Also, how is he with kids? Does he truly hate children, or does he just not like the idea of giving up freedom, etc.? Would he be a good father? I know my DH would be a good father, and I don't think I could have married him if he detested children, because stuff happens and not all babies are planned. He himself was conceived on TWO forms of bc.

Hang in there, and know that you have a lot of support here. *hugs*

1) I know the stats are highly skewed and that's kind of always been my point when he talks about everyone getting divorced. When I started researching the reasons people tend to get divorced (not how often) I found that many of the reasons are things we have issues with in our relationship.

2) I feel like that's where my BF and I are. He's firmly in the no camp, but I'm feeling open to the idea of discussing it being a part of my future. I have thought about the work it would take and while that's nothing I want in my life *now*, I feel it could be in the future. Particularly if it were with someone who also wanted it, someone who was enthusiastic about having a family. I was visiting with my sister and the niece yesterday and she's just so much fun! I know it's different when they're your own vs. being a fun aunt, but couldn't that mean it may feel better!? I also see the way my BIL acts with her and he loves that child so much, he loves her and wants to be apart of her life. I think having that kind of support could make it better too. I do feel like staying with BF would mean sacrificing the chance to have children. Whether or not that's a bad thing I don't know. BF tends to not change his mind once it's made up and I'm confident his decision is a final one. I feel like I would feel better if he was at least open to the idea of talking about it in 5-10 years, but he's not. I asked what would happen if we were married and I changed my mind, would he at least consider it? He said unless his mind changes over time, he would want no children or a divorce. I don't know that he hates children, he certainly doesn't care for them, doesn't want to give up his freedom, doesn't want to spend money on them. Who knows, he could be the best father in the world if we were to fall pregnant, but I couldn't say for sure.

I appreciate all the support.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm happy to hear that you had a discussion with your BF and that it went well. This could either be the beginning of some actual work (on his part) on your relationship, or it could be more along the lines of Decodelighted's post (backpedaling, scrambling, saying the right things in order to stop you from leaving). Time will tell, of course.

In the meantime, others have given you great advice as far as exploring your own needs and wants as a not-yet-engaged-or-married lady i.e. "single gal" and I wholeheartedly agree with them; you should be cultivating your own interests and see (if you have a renewed determination to stay in the relationship) how your passtimes fit in with his at this point. I don't know that it's necessarily realistic, a trial period of you sort of both being on your best behavior, but if it's worth a try to both of you, then at least you will both know you've put forth some real effort to please yourselves as well as your partner.

The child issue...that is definitely something that can change with time for both men and women, in my (limited) experience. All the advice in the world on that front will not give either of you the right answer--things either fall into place for you, or they don't. For me, it was a combination of meeting the RIGHT person and also timing (in my early-mid twenties I just didn't feel ready or willing to have children, plus I knew I wasn't with the person I wanted to father my offspring). Then again, you both could be on the exact same page and either accidentally get pregant, or not be able to. Double edged sword, sometimes. So many things in life are out of our control and this issue is one that most couples plan and usually come out fine, but that's not to say that happy couples don't face challenges either way (by that I mean, one partner is in the "no" camp, one partner isn't, etc.) It is a huge issue, but not insurmountable, imo.

You seem so levelheaded and I applaud you for handling your situation with intelligence and grace. You certainly seem to have the strength and character to deal with whatever happens. Wishing you the best...and offering hugs anytime...! Take care of yourself.

I appreciate your thoughts and feedback! I feel like I'm putting everything I can into this and hope to yield a happy result, but it's going to be what it is. Like I said in a previous post, he's being sort of distant at the moment. Since the talk, he hasn't really said I love you or been affectionate (no kisses goodnight, etc). I know he's feeling hurt about what I said, but I had to get it out in the open. He has been (so far) holding to what he has promised with helping out etc. He texted me yesterday and said that he cancelled his plans for Saturday and wanted to do something together, so we'll see how that goes. I'm just afraid that if he's also not happy with whatever resolution we have at this point, it's still not a resolution. Just because it makes me happier, if it makes him miserable it's still not worth it. Hopefully his hurt will ease over the next few days and he'll start to feel better about some progress. If not, his unhappiness is as much an issue for me as mine was. I love him too much for him to be unhappy. He feels the same about me seeing as how he said he'd rather be more unhappy if it saved me from being so. I'd like us to find TOGETHER a situation that will makes us BOTH happy. If we can't both be happy together, then we probably shouldn't be together. Aside from all other issues. The kids one is still something that is stressing me out.

Best of luck to you, sincerely. I really hope that you are able to obtain peace! I think that your relationship could go either way right now, but honestly I don't see it moving forward long term. I think you've given it a valiant effort and that will be that. Good for you...you have all of my support either way , though. Take care, advspls. At the end of the day, you'll know exactly what to do.

So on top of all this confusion about my current relationship, I've been dreaming about this other guy the last few nights...it's making me feel more confused, pressured, anxious, stressed, argh. My heart is aching, my stomach has been in knots, I want my current relationship to be something it's not, I have feelings for this other guy who should be an untouchable. School is stressful at the moment in the middle of exams, we're heading into a busy season at work, there is so much in my life stressing me out right now that I feel like just crumbling to the ground and falling apart.

 

[ElizabethR]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advicepls,

You are in a very stressful place right now. That's not the best place to start dwelling on your future
or who is in it or not; or whether you want children or not, and definitely not the time to bring in
someone new. My advice is to stop thinking about all this stressful stuff and concentrate on your exams.
After all you have put in so much time, effort, and expenses to get your degree. it'd be a shame for you
to be railroaded by a big pile of 'what ifs?'. Take a chill pill (music, meditation, self-hypnosis, dance around
the may pole???) and put it all on the back burner. Don't worry it's not going anywhere. It'll still be there
when you're done.

Wishing you deliverance from the stress
Elizabeth

 

[iheartscience]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I just read the whole thread and I'm impressed with how logical you're being about this. Honestly, though, it seems like your mind is made up and you know he isn't right for you.

In your post about your talk with your BF, you don't seem 100% happy with his response to your concerns, even though he agreed to everything you requested. And just to be clear, I don't think there's anything wrong with you not being happy with the talk. It's likely that you just didn't feel the relief you were hoping to feel because you know you two aren't right for each other. (I know I'm assuming a lot, but that's the sense I get from your posts.)

I know you'll be just fine if you do break up with your BF, but I have to say: if you do break up with him, please do NOT rush into a relationship with the guy you're having dreams about. You need to take time to be on your own and just take care of yourself for a change! Good luck with whatever happens and remember-you'll be fine.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advicepls,

You are in a very stressful place right now. That's not the best place to start dwelling on your future
or who is in it or not; or whether you want children or not, and definitely not the time to bring in
someone new. My advice is to stop thinking about all this stressful stuff and concentrate on your exams.
After all you have put in so much time, effort, and expenses to get your degree. it'd be a shame for you
to be railroaded by a big pile of 'what ifs?'. Take a chill pill (music, meditation, self-hypnosis, dance around
the may pole???) and put it all on the back burner. Don't worry it's not going anywhere. It'll still be there
when you're done.

Wishing you deliverance from the stress
Elizabeth

True, so far it's been nice to have something else to think about. I just found out I got a 96 on my first exam so so far, so good! Unfortunately I have to think/deal with this as the semester doesn't end until a week after we'd have to make a decision in terms of our lease.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I just read the whole thread and I'm impressed with how logical you're being about this. Honestly, though, it seems like your mind is made up and you know he isn't right for you.

In your post about your talk with your BF, you don't seem 100% happy with his response to your concerns, even though he agreed to everything you requested. And just to be clear, I don't think there's anything wrong with you not being happy with the talk. It's likely that you just didn't feel the relief you were hoping to feel because you know you two aren't right for each other. (I know I'm assuming a lot, but that's the sense I get from your posts.)

I know you'll be just fine if you do break up with your BF, but I have to say: if you do break up with him, please do NOT rush into a relationship with the guy you're having dreams about. You need to take time to be on your own and just take care of yourself for a change! Good luck with whatever happens and remember-you'll be fine.

Thanks thing2of2. I'm trying to deal with this with as much logical thought, honestly thinking about MY feelings. I agree with your analysis, I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with the result of our talk. Mostly because in order to fix some of my issues, he has to compromise on things that are important to him right now. I won't ask him to do that, he's offered, but I don't feel right about it I guess. I don't feel like it's okay for either of us to be this degree of unhappy. If we can't figure out a way for us both to be a reasonable level of satisfied and happy, what's the point?

I agree that I'd be fine, I'm already taking care of everything for the most part physically, emotionally, and nearly financially. I worry about what he'd do without me. I definitely wouldn't rush into another relationship that's for sure. I do have feelings I haven't felt in a long time for another person towards him, but I think that's part of the reason my current relationship has issues. My last long term relationship of 3 years prior to the one I have now with my current BF ended badly and I only had a 'break' of around 3 months before starting to date current BF. I don't know that I ever healed from that relationship and figured out what I went wrong/learned from it in order to make a better choice in my next relationship. I don't want to be in that position again.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

UPDATE:

I've been thinking a lot the last few days and I'm leaning towards this:

I think around one month out from when we have to decide about our lease, I want to talk to him again. In the meantime, I just want to watch how things go around the house in terms of the chores, money, etc. Around the beginning of April I'd like to talk to him about my feelings re: children which at the moment are that I feel like I'm as stressed as I am about it because I'm having feelings about wanting them in my future. That no, I'm not 100% sure they're for me, but that I feel uneasy (not against) being in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to even talk about it being an maybe option in the future. I want to let him know that I want him to seriously think about what he sees for his future over the next few weeks and decide for himself what he's comfortable with and that I'll do the same.

Assuming we're not going to agree at the moment, I'm still not sure that the best option (right now) is to break up since I'm not set one way or another either. I think what I'm feeling would be good (for both of us) is to live apart for at least 1 year. I'd like to see us continue to date, but not living together. I feel like our decision to live together was one made out of convenience and not that actual desire and/or readiness to do so. Since I feel that I'm primarily playing the role of wife without the same partnership mentality on his part, that the best decision would be to take a step back, live apart, be financially independent from one another and see how we feel about our relationship over time being less involved in the spousal type arrangement we currently (sort of) have. I have NO IDEA if he would be open to this arrangement or not.

Even sticking to our original timeline for marriage, we're not talking about until we're done with school which is still a minimum of three years away. I feel like there's still time to take a step back, live apart, have some financial independence from each other, see how are lives are being less intertwined, and if we can get back on track and happy in our relationship and our issues, re-evaluate the idea to live together on better terms with having had these discussions prior to AND as a step towards marriage.

At the moment, with as busy as he is, we don't have a lot of time to do things together anyway. I feel like we are cohabitating more than dating at the moment. I'd like to see if (living apart) he actually made attempts to spend time together doing dating type things and not house related/family related/day to day commitments.

What do you guys think? Is this being totally irrational?

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Okay. We'll pretend that it'll all work out in the end. That you're not actually really growing apart. That your problems aren't insurmountable. That you aren't one of the 90% of 24 year olds who change their minds about wanting kids by 30.

Do what you want to do. But first, read this: http://therumpus.net/2011/02/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-64/

Here's an excerpt:

You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.

 

[ElizabethR]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Advicepls,
In my humble opinion you are not being irrational. You seem very grounded and wise.

 

[iheartscience]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I don't think you're being irrational. I think living apart will be better for both of you. You can focus on you and he can grow up and take care of himself for once.

That said, I agree with deco, and I think that column she linked to is perfect for your situation. Good luck!