Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[Bunny007]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I do think it's important for you to voice your concerns to him (maybe not right away- I do like AMC and GP's ideas) for a few reasons.

1) As a practical matter, you don't want to create a ton of confusion or doubt just as you're about to break your lease. You should be really confident in your decision at that point. If you spring this on him right before you leave, he's going to tell you he can change, he'll ask you for a second chance, bla blah blah. You might wonder if he's right and all of this could throw off your timeline.

2) You've been together quite a long time. I feel like it's only fair to give him a chance to change (before June, of course). (Some may disagree on this point- to each his own)

3) That being said, I don't think he'll change. At all. Or if he does, the changes will be superficial and fleeting. It's important for you to see that though. I would hate for you to go through the motions of leaving him and then beat yourself up afterwards because you "didn't try to work things out." People usually have second doubts after a breakup, and I think it'll be easier for you to stick to your decision if you can look back and say, well, I tried! Giving him a "second chance" will, I think, only confirm your decision to leave him.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this but it sounds like you're handling it as best as anyone could. I hope, in spite of it all, you can get a bit excited about your future without him. Just think of all the energy and resources you'll be able to devote to YOURSELF.

Best of luck!

 

[marymm]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

OP - you had mentioned that you are both strong Type A personalities - but I do not see any evidence in any of your posts of you actually being a "take charge" personality - are you sure that is an accurate description of you?

It also troubles me that you are so obviously unhappy but apparently your SO is oblivious to this? And from what you've described, early in the relationship he gave you lovely gifts but for the past several years all his non-work and non-school time and money go to his hobbies? He refuses to discuss his income? From what you have posted, it is unclear that he shows any love at all towards you. I think in his eyes you are a comfortable habit for him but in no way an equal life partner.

Just as your SO has been doing since Day One, you actually need to put yourself first - and in all candor, you should ALWAYS put yourself first - not to the point of selfishness and narcissism as your SO but to the extent that your own needs are addressed and satisfied BEFORE tending to others. (Like on airplanes, where they tell you to put your own oxygen mask first before you put the mask(s) of those in your care.)

If you need to give 60-days notice, that means April 1. If you really think you need to discuss all this with your SO before making a decision about breaking up, in all fairness to him, you need to have the talk very soon, otherwise you're not giving him enough time.

Regardless of timing, to be prepared for your future, realistically, you need to immediately start saving money. You absolutely cannot continue to buy his food and personal care items. I'm not sure you've mentioned who pays for the household utility bills but you cannot continue to pay those 100% either.

As to division of belongings and pets, etc. - seemingly if you wish to keep the pets with you and your SO is the decent sort you describe, he will recognize that of course they should go to you since you have taken care of them 100% and borne all financial costs for them.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Prana]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

You've obviously been thinking very hard and very long about this. You've compiled a list. You already know that you are not happy, and that something is amiss.

Ask yourself, why are you with him?

From an outsiders perspective, it sounds like you are with him out of comfort and convenience, nothing else. And likewise for him, as you seem to be making him veeeeeerryyyy comfortable. You've made life too easy for him, and that needs to stop.

If it were me, I'd leave. You do not have likeminded goals, he doesn't really seem to have any goals. You've grown out of each other, and that's OK. Recognizing it and taking action on your part is important, because you don't want to waste your life. Who cares if you don't have expensive hobbies, are boring and like to sit around at home? You deserve someone to sit with you, while contributing to daily life tasks, and who has the same sort of life goals in mind.

You cannot change him, he cannot change you. You will have a miserable life feeling like you are nothing more than an employee in your own home. You will grow to resent him.

You seem to have already answered the question for yourself, acting on it will be hardest.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Prana]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

OK I posted before without reading through all the other posts, and would like to add a few things.

I broke up with my now husband almost 5 years ago-- April 2006. I was 22 at the time, working, in school full time, saving, paying for my car, and generally being responsible. My husband went out and bought a $10,000 street bike. He didn't even have a reliable car, he worked part time at a stupid job, he was in school, but still. It pissed me off!

So I broke up with him. We did not live together (thank God), but had been together that point for 4 years. It was hard. He was devastated. He was so traumatized by it that he never rode his $10,000 bike, and it has now been collecting dust in his parents garage for the past 4.5 years. It was a rude awakening for him, and he never forgot it and he did realize the error of his ways.

He has since grown and matured quite a bit, and now is a wonderful husband who contributes to the household and shares the same goals.

Sometimes they just need a rude awakening and a bit of maturing. As another poster said, he is doing what a 24 year old should be doing- that is, if everything else is taken care of first.

Unfortunately, you live together, and therefore, are somewhat dependent on each other. If he wants to live the life without helping you, then he needs to pack up his stuff and get out. Move back in with his parents so he can continue to play and spend all his money. He might be feeling that since he is not married to you, he has no obligation to you.

I think that you should definitely talk to him, and I would suggest a separation for a little while so you can both cool off from each other and see if things can be rearranged.

 

[Prana]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

OK. NOw I've read all the posts, and I have more to say.

Sorry for the triple posts, but sometimes I feel like I need to post before I forget what I'm going to say and take a break from reading.

I would definitely leave. Even if it's just a trial separation. You need to be without him for a little while, and more importantly, he needs to be WITHOUT YOU!

After reading more of your posts about his behaviour, I feel like he is completely narcicistic and self absorbed, and people like that don't have room for anyone else in their lives. As someone else mentioned, they need a 'fan', someone who is so smitten that they just don't speak up, and drool and go gaga over them. Don't let it be you!

Maybe he will wake up during your break up/separation. But be prepared for it not to phase him in the least. Not saying that he won't be hurt, but he may choose to hide that and go on living just fine without you.

It's time for you to focus on you.

 

[amc80]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

One thing that needs to be said- if you decide to end it, it's going to hurt. A lot. You will question your decision. You will doubt yourself. When my ex and I broke up, it took a solid six months before I was really emotionally ready to date again. But I haven't looked back since.

 

[anchor31]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He is not treating you like an equal partner. If it were me, I would sit down with him, discuss there issues with him and set an internal deadline. If he has not started treating you like a equal partner instead of a maid with benefits by X time, I would leave. Like others have pointed out, he's acting like a teenager living with his mother, except you're not his mother.

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

One thing that needs to be said- if you decide to end it, it's going to hurt. A lot. You will question your decision. You will doubt yourself. When my ex and I broke up, it took a solid six months before I was really emotionally ready to date again. But I haven't looked back since.

I half agree with amc's post. The part in bold I disagree with, though. I broke up with my ex 6 months ago. We were together 5.5 years, lived together, the whole 9 yards. It's been hard, and I've had some unexpected break downs, but I have never once questioned my decision or doubted myself. Some people do, some people don't. There is nothing wrong with you if you break up with him and feel, well....free. And there's nothing wrong with you if you curl up in a ball and cry for weeks, even if you think it was the right decision.

I haven't read most of your posts, and I apologize for that. But I do want to say (as somebody that's been there, done that) that on some level, you know what you need to do. The best thing you can do is put yourself and your mental/emotional health first right now. My ex is a great guy, but we didn't see the same future, and they weren't similar enough visions for me to be convinced we wouldn't end up resenting one another later on down the road. I got frustrated with him and felt like he wasn't contributing, and couldn't respect some of the choices he made about how he lived his life (including, oddly enough, the fact that he'd give up everything just to be near me, even if it meant screwing up his chances in the job market/his future).

I gather that the two of you are young (my age, actually - I'm 24, met the ex at 1, and honestly, sometimes you just grow apart. It doesn't mean anything about you two as people, but your priorities in a partner are different at 18 than they are at 24, and they'll be different at 24 than they will be at 30. I'm currently on a self-imposed semi-exile from dating (partly I have so much to focus on and want to have a clean break and not bring my expectations from my last relationship into a new one, and partly there are very few interesting guys in my city, so it's not that hard to exile myself from the dating world since I pretty much don't give a s*** about guys here), and the last 6 months have been great. Okay, the first month sucked. But after that, it's been great. I feel free, and like I can do things just for me. It's a wonderful feeling, to be totally honest, and I hope that if you end up walking away from this, you have the peace of mind and compete confidence in your decision that I do.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

[quote="Make these changes independent of him. Take a month or two to only focus on YOU and what you want to change about your life regarding finances and personal care. Then you can start the talking process to see if he is going to be in your life or not.

Good luck, dear! Some people just aren't ready to be married at 24, and that doesn't make them a bad person at all! It may mean as you said, that you are just heading different directions and need to separate. You don't have to loathe him or think ill of him in order to realize that you are incompatible. With the amount of objective thought you've given this, I am sure that everything will turn out fine for you, whether you stay together or separate.[/quote]
Thanks GP! I'm trying to do just this and focus on me. I'm trying to take the time to think, reflect, and be sure of what it is that I want for myself so tha tif we do separate, I can be 100% confident in my decision (despite how much it's going to hurt).

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I do think it's important for you to voice your concerns to him (maybe not right away- I do like AMC and GP's ideas) for a few reasons.

1) As a practical matter, you don't want to create a ton of confusion or doubt just as you're about to break your lease. You should be really confident in your decision at that point. If you spring this on him right before you leave, he's going to tell you he can change, he'll ask you for a second chance, bla blah blah. You might wonder if he's right and all of this could throw off your timeline.

2) You've been together quite a long time. I feel like it's only fair to give him a chance to change (before June, of course). (Some may disagree on this point- to each his own)

3) That being said, I don't think he'll change. At all. Or if he does, the changes will be superficial and fleeting. It's important for you to see that though. I would hate for you to go through the motions of leaving him and then beat yourself up afterwards because you "didn't try to work things out." People usually have second doubts after a breakup, and I think it'll be easier for you to stick to your decision if you can look back and say, well, I tried! Giving him a "second chance" will, I think, only confirm your decision to leave him.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this but it sounds like you're handling it as best as anyone could. I hope, in spite of it all, you can get a bit excited about your future without him. Just think of all the energy and resources you'll be able to devote to YOURSELF.

Best of luck!

Hi Bunny007, I appreciate you additional input! I agree, we need to talk ahead of time so that 1) we have time to try and make necessary changes in order to give us a fair shot, and 2) know that if it doesn't work out after trying, that we can be sure it's what we need for ourselves. I worry that you're right and that if he does 'change' it's not going to be enough to meet my needs. And while part of me wants him to change and be ready to be in this and there for me as a partner, mentally and emotionally, I'm not sure he's capable at this point in his life.

 

[suchende]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Before April, what about just saying you don't think you want to live together anymore? You can get out of re-signing your lease without having to break up. It could also be a way to initiate this conversation... "I feel like I am putting in more to our relationship, at the expense of my own well-being, and while we're young I'd like to re-claim some of my independence." A little less dramatic and perhaps an easier pill to swallow, for both of you?

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

OP - you had mentioned that you are both strong Type A personalities - but I do not see any evidence in any of your posts of you actually being a "take charge" personality - are you sure that is an accurate description of you?

Absolutely! I'm very sure that this is more than accurate. My best friend has been following the thread keeping tabs on what I've said. I wanted her opinion on the portrayal of the situation since she's seeing/living it first hand and she mentioned when she'd read that something along the lines of "if they only knew HOW type A you are... "

It also troubles me that you are so obviously unhappy but apparently your SO is oblivious to this? And from what you've described, early in the relationship he gave you lovely gifts but for the past several years all his non-work and non-school time and money go to his hobbies? He refuses to discuss his income? From what you have posted, it is unclear that he shows any love at all towards you. I think in his eyes you are a comfortable habit for him but in no way an equal life partner.

This is what I also worry about. I find myself thinking and feeling that we're together because we're comfortable and not neccessarily because we want to be anymore. I think he used to view me more as a partner just based on how his actions have changed in the last few years. He used to consider my opnions and feelings when doing things, and I don't feel he really does anymore.

Just as your SO has been doing since Day One, you actually need to put yourself first - and in all candor, you should ALWAYS put yourself first - not to the point of selfishness and narcissism as your SO but to the extent that your own needs are addressed and satisfied BEFORE tending to others. (Like on airplanes, where they tell you to put your own oxygen mask first before you put the mask(s) of those in your care.)

If you need to give 60-days notice, that means April 1. If you really think you need to discuss all this with your SO before making a decision about breaking up, in all fairness to him, you need to have the talk very soon, otherwise you're not giving him enough time.

Actually we have until May 1. Our lease ends at the end of June so we have the months of May and June where we'd have to had notified them of us vacating if that's what's going to happen.

Regardless of timing, to be prepared for your future, realistically, you need to immediately start saving money. You absolutely cannot continue to buy his food and personal care items. I'm not sure you've mentioned who pays for the household utility bills but you cannot continue to pay those 100% either.

I don't pay for all the household utility bills, everything but groceries/food/household items are split 50/50.

As to division of belongings and pets, etc. - seemingly if you wish to keep the pets with you and your SO is the decent sort you describe, he will recognize that of course they should go to you since you have taken care of them 100% and borne all financial costs for them.

I would hope so too. One pet came into the relationship belonging to me and that pet will definitely remain with me. We adopted a second pet last year that was supposed to be "his" pet since pet #1 was "mine". However pet #2 is WAY more expensive to keep and more high maintenance than pet #1 and I don't think he has the time, money, or energy to really take care of pet #2 that way it needs to be done properly, but since it's "his", I'm not sure how this will go down. Pet #1 is mine, non-negotiable.

Best of luck to you.

Thanks!

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

OK. NOw I've read all the posts, and I have more to say.

Sorry for the triple posts, but sometimes I feel like I need to post before I forget what I'm going to say and take a break from reading.

I would definitely leave. Even if it's just a trial separation. You need to be without him for a little while, and more importantly, he needs to be WITHOUT YOU!

After reading more of your posts about his behaviour, I feel like he is completely narcicistic and self absorbed, and people like that don't have room for anyone else in their lives. As someone else mentioned, they need a 'fan', someone who is so smitten that they just don't speak up, and drool and go gaga over them. Don't let it be you!

Maybe he will wake up during your break up/separation. But be prepared for it not to phase him in the least. Not saying that he won't be hurt, but he may choose to hide that and go on living just fine without you.

It's time for you to focus on you.

Thank you for all of your input, I don't mind it coming in three posts! I think he may need this as much as I do even though I doubt he realizes it. I don't think even he realizes how dependent his is on me. While he certainly can do it on his own financially and physically, he doesn't.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

One thing that needs to be said- if you decide to end it, it's going to hurt. A lot. You will question your decision. You will doubt yourself. When my ex and I broke up, it took a solid six months before I was really emotionally ready to date again. But I haven't looked back since.

I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for this. I know it's going to hurt, it kind of already hurts. I'll be leaning on all of you, but if it happens, I know I will get through it and move on.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

He is not treating you like an equal partner. If it were me, I would sit down with him, discuss there issues with him and set an internal deadline. If he has not started treating you like a equal partner instead of a maid with benefits by X time, I would leave. Like others have pointed out, he's acting like a teenager living with his mother, except you're not his mother.

This is the plan. I've been preparing myself for the talk. I have already set my internal deadline.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

One thing that needs to be said- if you decide to end it, it's going to hurt. A lot. You will question your decision. You will doubt yourself. When my ex and I broke up, it took a solid six months before I was really emotionally ready to date again. But I haven't looked back since.

I half agree with amc's post. The part in bold I disagree with, though. I broke up with my ex 6 months ago. We were together 5.5 years, lived together, the whole 9 yards. It's been hard, and I've had some unexpected break downs, but I have never once questioned my decision or doubted myself. Some people do, some people don't. There is nothing wrong with you if you break up with him and feel, well....free. And there's nothing wrong with you if you curl up in a ball and cry for weeks, even if you think it was the right decision.

I haven't read most of your posts, and I apologize for that. But I do want to say (as somebody that's been there, done that) that on some level, you know what you need to do. The best thing you can do is put yourself and your mental/emotional health first right now. My ex is a great guy, but we didn't see the same future, and they weren't similar enough visions for me to be convinced we wouldn't end up resenting one another later on down the road. I got frustrated with him and felt like he wasn't contributing, and couldn't respect some of the choices he made about how he lived his life (including, oddly enough, the fact that he'd give up everything just to be near me, even if it meant screwing up his chances in the job market/his future).

I gather that the two of you are young (my age, actually - I'm 24, met the ex at 1, and honestly, sometimes you just grow apart. It doesn't mean anything about you two as people, but your priorities in a partner are different at 18 than they are at 24, and they'll be different at 24 than they will be at 30. I'm currently on a self-imposed semi-exile from dating (partly I have so much to focus on and want to have a clean break and not bring my expectations from my last relationship into a new one, and partly there are very few interesting guys in my city, so it's not that hard to exile myself from the dating world since I pretty much don't give a s*** about guys here), and the last 6 months have been great. Okay, the first month sucked. But after that, it's been great. I feel free, and like I can do things just for me. It's a wonderful feeling, to be totally honest, and I hope that if you end up walking away from this, you have the peace of mind and compete confidence in your decision that I do.

I was hoping you'd pop in princesss! I remember your story from awhile back and knew we were almost the same situation. We met at 18, are currently 24 and I feel like we have been growing apart. Together nearly 5 1/2 years now and living together for over 4. I hope I can have your strength.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Before April, what about just saying you don't think you want to live together anymore? You can get out of re-signing your lease without having to break up. It could also be a way to initiate this conversation... "I feel like I am putting in more to our relationship, at the expense of my own well-being, and while we're young I'd like to re-claim some of my independence." A little less dramatic and perhaps an easier pill to swallow, for both of you?

I talked with my best friend about this last night and wondered about it being an option. I'm not sure he'd want to or completely understand, but I feel like it may be a good option for us. I do love him and wonder if him having to take care of himself financially and physically not in the same household as me, if he would finally get it and realize how hard I worked and how much taking care of him costs! It could be the 'time to grow up rude awakening' that I desperately think he needs. This would also allow me to get my financial goals back in order and get on track to what I need and want for myself.

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Sweetie, you've got my strength. I guarantee it. It comes down to doing what you have to in order to make sure your life is the best it can possibly be. It's scary, because you've pictured your future a certain way for a long time, but you'll have the freedom to dream about doing what makes YOU AND ONLY YOU happy. There is nothing wrong with marrying young if you've found the right guy and that's what you want, but sometimes I think we get caught in relationships because we're telling ourselves we need to live out somebody else's fairytale. My personal fairytale involves traveling and being single and advancing in my career and being extraordinarily selfish for a few years. Take time while you're thinking things through with your BF to figure out *your* fairytale.

I talked to my ex a week or two before the break up and told him I was unhappy, and intended on giving him a month. Then I realized that part of what bugged me about him was the fact that he needed a fire lit under his butt everytime he needed to get something done, and if he "changed" based on the fact that I was unhappy, it would only prove to me that he would be like that for the rest of our lives. So don't be surprised with yourself if you give yourself a mental timeline and then it speeds up/slows down for no good reason.

At any rate, I'm here for you. Life post-relationship is good, and my friends are telling me they've never seen me this happy - I loved my ex, but at this stage in my life, I love myself a whole lot more.

 

[briolette]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

*hugs*
This is not an easy decision and I applaud you for having the strength to share what you are going through, taking the time to gather your thoughts and trusting PS with giving advice. We are all here for you.

I sense from the posts that you may have already made a decision in your heart. And know that regardless of what the ultimate decision is, it'll be difficult. You stay, there will be a lot to work out between you guys. You leave, you deal with healing from a breakup.
People do grow in different directions. And that's okay. My ex husband and i had a very amicable split up 4 years ago when we realized that we were no longer compatible. We were both unhappy. The hard part was admitting to ourselves that we were unhappy and we kept trying to "fix" things for 7-8 years. Then it became me fixing and him retreating into his man-hole. LOL.

I do strongly believe he should be given a chance to change. No one is perfect and some people do have their heads stuck up in their ...
without even knowing it. And I also agree that you should speak to him soon, with candor.

Hang in there and good luck.

 

[NovemberBride]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I just wanted to pop in and add some input from someone who has been there, done that. I dated my ex from 18-22. We didn't live together officially, but we were in college and spent almost all our time together. He wasn't a bad person, we just grew apart and ended up with different goals and views on life. When we met at 18, it seemed as though we had similar goals, but in the end I was the only one who was taking action to make them happen. He sounds a lot like your FI, he would just let me take care of everything while he sat around and played on the computer. I would get so frustrated at his lack of motivation, but it was hard to break up over that, because it wasn't as if there was some terrible thing he had done to me. I had a lot of guilt ending the relationship, because he had transferred colleges to go to my school, even though that was not something I had asked him to do. In the end, I knew we were not meant to be together, and decided I had to end the relationship so that one day I could meet someone who wanted the same things in life that I did. Like princesss, I never looked back. I dated casually for a while and a year and a half later I met my now husband and I am so glad I broke up with ex-bf. I wouldn't have had a horrible life if I had stayed with ex-bf, he was a kind person and would have been a good husband. But I wouldn't have been nearly as happy as I am now and his lack of motivation would probably drive me slowly insane.

 

[amc80]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

In the end, I knew we were not meant to be together, and decided I had to end the relationship so that one day I could meet someone who wanted the same things in life that I did.

This reminds me of one of my favorite sayings- as long as you're with the wrong guy, you can't be with the right guy.

 

[TwinkleStar]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hi OP,

Lots of hugs! I'm so sorry you're going through this! Every break-up is hard, but it sounds like you have taken a lot of time to really (as rationally as you can) think about what YOU want in life, which is the most important thing. A lot of ladies here have already given amazing advice, so I just wanted to add a couple of thoughts:

• - From your first post, the red flags you're worried about can definitely lead to you feeling resentful if you can't talk to him about it and evolve as a couple from it. Resentment over anything, no matter how little, should quickly be nipped in the bud, as it's one of those things that will rear up unexpectedly and lead to a massive blowout later on. Or it was an indication of your unhappiness that you didn't pay attention to earlier on.
  
  - Second, it sounds like he's a bit of an extrovert, and you're a bit of an introvert. I want to clarify that it simply means he gets his energy from other people (hence the constant activities and need to be around you or friends), and you get your energy from inside yourself (i.e. relaxing at home, taking a walk, reading a book). If this is the case, you guys are always going to have a bit of a conflict, and the goal then becomes to see where you can compromise on activities or where your comfort levels can overlap in ways that work for both of you. Of course, you would know best!

Best of luck to you. We're here for you.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Sweetie, you've got my strength. I guarantee it. It comes down to doing what you have to in order to make sure your life is the best it can possibly be. It's scary, because you've pictured your future a certain way for a long time, but you'll have the freedom to dream about doing what makes YOU AND ONLY YOU happy. There is nothing wrong with marrying young if you've found the right guy and that's what you want, but sometimes I think we get caught in relationships because we're telling ourselves we need to live out somebody else's fairytale. My personal fairytale involves traveling and being single and advancing in my career and being extraordinarily selfish for a few years. Take time while you're thinking things through with your BF to figure out *your* fairytale.

I talked to my ex a week or two before the break up and told him I was unhappy, and intended on giving him a month. Then I realized that part of what bugged me about him was the fact that he needed a fire lit under his butt everytime he needed to get something done, and if he "changed" based on the fact that I was unhappy, it would only prove to me that he would be like that for the rest of our lives. So don't be surprised with yourself if you give yourself a mental timeline and then it speeds up/slows down for no good reason.

At any rate, I'm here for you. Life post-relationship is good, and my friends are telling me they've never seen me this happy - I loved my ex, but at this stage in my life, I love myself a whole lot more.

Thanks princesss. I think I need to take the time to reflect about my fairytale and what I really want. Wasn't one of the issues between you and ex-bf a kids related issues?

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

*hugs*
This is not an easy decision and I applaud you for having the strength to share what you are going through, taking the time to gather your thoughts and trusting PS with giving advice. We are all here for you.

I sense from the posts that you may have already made a decision in your heart. And know that regardless of what the ultimate decision is, it'll be difficult. You stay, there will be a lot to work out between you guys. You leave, you deal with healing from a breakup.
People do grow in different directions. And that's okay. My ex husband and i had a very amicable split up 4 years ago when we realized that we were no longer compatible. We were both unhappy. The hard part was admitting to ourselves that we were unhappy and we kept trying to "fix" things for 7-8 years. Then it became me fixing and him retreating into his man-hole. LOL.

I do strongly believe he should be given a chance to change. No one is perfect and some people do have their heads stuck up in their ...
without even knowing it. And I also agree that you should speak to him soon, with candor.

Hang in there and good luck.

I would hope that if a breakup is in the cards, that it'll be amicable. I know there are things making me unhappy, I would think he would have some things but the talk should shed light on the whole situation.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I just wanted to pop in and add some input from someone who has been there, done that. I dated my ex from 18-22. We didn't live together officially, but we were in college and spent almost all our time together. He wasn't a bad person, we just grew apart and ended up with different goals and views on life. When we met at 18, it seemed as though we had similar goals, but in the end I was the only one who was taking action to make them happen. He sounds a lot like your FI, he would just let me take care of everything while he sat around and played on the computer. I would get so frustrated at his lack of motivation, but it was hard to break up over that, because it wasn't as if there was some terrible thing he had done to me. I had a lot of guilt ending the relationship, because he had transferred colleges to go to my school, even though that was not something I had asked him to do. In the end, I knew we were not meant to be together, and decided I had to end the relationship so that one day I could meet someone who wanted the same things in life that I did. Like princesss, I never looked back. I dated casually for a while and a year and a half later I met my now husband and I am so glad I broke up with ex-bf. I wouldn't have had a horrible life if I had stayed with ex-bf, he was a kind person and would have been a good husband. But I wouldn't have been nearly as happy as I am now and his lack of motivation would probably drive me slowly insane.

I feel this is like us. That we had similar goals/morals/values/fiscal responsibility and that I feel like it's changed. And I agree, it's hard to consider breaking up with someone you love over something that isn't some terrible act.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

In the end, I knew we were not meant to be together, and decided I had to end the relationship so that one day I could meet someone who wanted the same things in life that I did.

This reminds me of one of my favorite sayings- as long as you're with the wrong guy, you can't be with the right guy.

True.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hi OP,

Lots of hugs! I'm so sorry you're going through this! Every break-up is hard, but it sounds like you have taken a lot of time to really (as rationally as you can) think about what YOU want in life, which is the most important thing. A lot of ladies here have already given amazing advice, so I just wanted to add a couple of thoughts:

• - From your first post, the red flags you're worried about can definitely lead to you feeling resentful if you can't talk to him about it and evolve as a couple from it. Resentment over anything, no matter how little, should quickly be nipped in the bud, as it's one of those things that will rear up unexpectedly and lead to a massive blowout later on. Or it was an indication of your unhappiness that you didn't pay attention to earlier on.
  
  - Second, it sounds like he's a bit of an extrovert, and you're a bit of an introvert. I want to clarify that it simply means he gets his energy from other people (hence the constant activities and need to be around you or friends), and you get your energy from inside yourself (i.e. relaxing at home, taking a walk, reading a book). If this is the case, you guys are always going to have a bit of a conflict, and the goal then becomes to see where you can compromise on activities or where your comfort levels can overlap in ways that work for both of you. Of course, you would know best!

Best of luck to you. We're here for you.

I do feel a bit resentful already and that's part of why I've been unhappy and what we need to talk about. He's an extreme extrovert, I'm (according the myer's briggs personality profile) an ESFJ (extroverted, sensing, feeling, judging, read about this here: http://www.personalitypage.com/ESFJ.html) BF is classified as ENTJ (extroverted, intuitive, thinking, judging, read about this here: http://www.personalitypage.com/ENTJ.html). My type is "The Caregiver", BF's type is "The Executive". Mine is described as having extroverted feeling and thinking, and introverted sensing and feeling. Reading through these gives a picture perfect image of each of our personalities. They actually fit to a T.

 

[advicepls]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

So BF and I had an initial talk last night. Emotions ran high (on my part) and I'm not sure I really got all my points laid out on the table.

He was totally freaking out when I told him we needed to talk. For some reason (even though he agreed that in his opinion there was nothing wrong with us) he thought I was breaking up with him. Again, I thought that was extreme. I explained that I just wanted to talk about some things.

I started out with the fact that I've been feeling unhappy in our relationship and asked if he'd noticed. He said he could tell I'd been stressed more than usual lately but that he thought it was just work (this is a busy time of year in my job). I told him it was more than work and that our relationship wasn't in a place that I felt we used to be, meaning that there are issues I feel like we're not on the same page about and that I felt like I was at a breaking point.

I explained that I initially had started doing some research about reasons people get divorced, prompted from his constant comments about how everyone gets divorced eventually. He jumped in with the fact that it's true, a good majority of people do get divorced and that he's a realist and didn't mean for those comments to hurt me. I continued by explaining that there were x reasons people got divorced and asked him if he thought there were any issues with us in regards to any of them. He said no. I went on to explain where I thought we had issues, namely money, the future, free time, chores and kids. He asked me to explain.

I started with chores since that's probably the easiest thing to start working on. He told me he needed me to tell him what I expected or he couldn't help, that he's analytical and needs to know what expectations are. He was very hurt that I was so unhappy and hadn't said anything, but he was also frustrated that I feel things are so unfair. He doesn't see things this way as he feel he has 5x the work that I have to do and by doing housework, etc it brings us to the same page. To an extent since I haven't really divulged HOW MUCH he does, I sort of agree, but my expectations here were never much. I really just need/want him to pick up after himself. Cleaning is actually one of MY stress relievers and something I almost enjoy doing to an extent. I told him it's really the little things that make me feel resentful. Like asking me to fix him something to eat when he's home and more than capable, complaining that the trash stinks instead of just taking it out, leaving dirty clothes on the floor in the bedroom instead of in the hamper in the bathroom, etc. He didn't feel those requests were unreasonable and promised to make a better effort and the little things and expressing more how appreciative his is for the things I do. So Chores, something I do feel better about.

The next thing we talked about was the future. I expressed that I worried that we had different visions and while mine has (mostly) stayed true to the things we've discussed for years, I feel like his is morphing into something that I don't want with dreams of flying around the world, etc. He says the most important thing he sees in his future is me and that he doesn't see any reasons why his hobbies have to get in the way of that. He feels like we can have the same goals/life vision and pursue our hobbies separately since we do have other things in common. Mostly it came down to that he knows the things he talks about are dreams, big dreams, that his realistic tendencies know may never come true, but he doesn't see the problem with hoping the maybe can.

This led into the issues with money and free time. We talked about how I feel that all of his extra time and resources (whether monetary or otherwise) go into his recreational free time that is just something I don't enjoy the way he does. I don't hate flying, I don't even dislike flying, but I can honeslty say that I don't LOVE flying like he does and practically at this point in our lives, I don't like how much it's costing "us". He knows that it's expensive and wants to do it anyway, but even he was saying that he was having a harder and harder time affording it. I told him I'm having a harder and harder time wanting to afford the extra support of the household from him not being able to contribute due to his hobbies. The solution: not something I feel is going work, but he's willing to try. He said he would stop flying (this is NOT something I asked him to do). I told him that I didn't want him to do something like that so drastic if it's not something HE wanted to do. He said that of course it's not something he wants to do, but the practical and responsible thing is for us to get out of all forms of debt and to be able to live comfortably without this stress in our lives and relationship. He said my unhappiness is not worth the joy he gets out of it. I tried to express that my point was not for him to 'give it up'. He said he knows that, but asked me to provide an alternative solution. Honestly, I don't have one. Most of "our" money issues stem from him not having extra money because of flying and me footing the extra bill. Eliminating flying would remove a lot of the stress and be the most practical/responsible choice, but I'm not sure this is good for us either. He said he has other hobbies and things he enjoys doing that doesn't cost nearly as much (things associated with his school and engineering assocaition clubs that's he's heavily involved with, involves lots of tinkering in the workshops, etc) and that he can be happy doing that and saving money. A

nother point on money I had is that I didn't feel like I was able to seek out meeting my personal goals with having to buy all the household items and food. He told me that he will pay for his part, but that I have to tell him what he owes or he doesn't know. We discussed that between household items, groceries and pets that I spend no less than $700/month. He said for now he will make sure I get an additional $350/month to cover his half and that on occasions when we spend more than that, that I just need to tell him so he can cover it. He said he'll get the extra money to cover me by not flying and the time he used to spend flying he'll spend working more (also don't think this is a great/helpful solution) in order to pay himself more so that we can both work to get out of the minor amount of credit card debt we each have and that thereafter, the money I get from him will allow me to meet my savings goals for paying off my loans before I graduate and they go into repayment. He gave me full disclosure on where we both stand financially and have agreed to sit down once a month or so to talk about progress and financial goals. Most of that (in theory) I like the sounds of the resolution. In practice, we'll just have to see how it pans out over time and if it actually *works*.

The only thing that seems like an issue (and ultimately is something I need to relfect on and make a decision about for myself) is children. He said he is still 100% in the no camp and said that he honestly doesn't forsee it changing. He did say anything's possible, but that he can't honestly say that he expects that opinion to change. He asked me if I had changed my mind. I told him (honestly) that I'm not sure. That I think I'm still leaning towards no, but that I stress about being the kind of person to change mind in the future. He said that he thinks it's silly to break up over something that we're both currently still on the same page about on the off chance that I *might* change my mind. To an extent, I agree, but on the other hand, what if I do change my mind!? He told me that at this point in his life, the decision to have them is something he doesn't want and is still a dealbreaker for him and that if my opinion has changed that I need to tell him. I told him that I don't think I'm ready to decide that for myself. He thinks for now, until I do decide for myself, since I'm leaning towards not wanting them, that he thinks we should try to work on everything else, but that if (his words here) either lying to him or lying to myself about not wanting them, it's not helping either of us and that I need to come clean since it's truly something he doesn't want or forsee wanting in the future. I told him for now, I'm not sure and that I'll just need to think about it carefully and (if it's even possible) try to decide before we have to decide about lease renewal.

Wow, not so much a gist, and long. If you got through that, thank you. Any other advice with the new found information?

ETA: I asked him point blank if marriage was something he wanted in his future with anyone. I also told him that I wasn't in any way asking him to pressure him. I told him that I am in no way even wanting to talk/think about it yet but that it *is* something I despeartely want in my future. He said it is something he wants and something he wants with *me*. He was hurt that I've even been thinking otherwise and even commented that the only thing he thought that was great and perfect and stress free in his life was us and was both surprised and unhappy to find out that I wasn't feeling the same way. He's willing to bend and work on everything, except the idea of children. That's something I need to figure out.

 

[briolette]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm really glad you got the chance to converse with him about how you feel. It is surprising at times how clueless men can be....but it sounds like he is willing to compromise. Of course the best situation is for someone to know what you need and to act it. For instance, seeing a pile of clean laundry on the bed and instantly folding it without being asked. Or knowing ahead of time how much a grocery budget is going to be. I've discovered the men I've been with who naturally do this are somewhat rare. The next best thing is someone who helps you when you ask for that help. I've learned that's good enough. If I ask and they help without question or complaint, I can't complain. What you want to watch for is someone who ignores you or makes a big fuss when you ask for help.

Since your SO mentioned that you need to tell him when you need help, give him the chance to help. He may things "wrong" or slowly or whatnot, but let him try now that he's offered.

Abruptly stopping his flying hobbies is drastic and somewhat dramatic in my opinion. "It's not what you say but what you do..." I find myself using that phrase a lot when I get a declaration of sorts from someone. Still, I don't know your SO, so he may just be so shaken that he gave that as his response. I'm glad you said that you didn't want him to stop completely.

The part that is of concern for me is the children issues. I used to think I was in the "No" category until I was with someone who I felt extremely compatible emotionally and physically with. I had this strange biological urge to procreate with him. It seemed so naturally and I can't really explain it. Ultimately we split due to our families, but I realized at that time that how I feel about kids actually changes depending on who I am with. there's also the biological clock issue. Your BF doesn't have to worry about age. He can always easily change his mind later while you have biology working against you. You might change your mind down the road and want children and if he isn't on the same page as you, this could be difficult to work out.

And if he did decide to have kids, what kind of dad would he be? If he's not going the extra mile to take care of you, you will be the one doing the heavy lifting with the children. I don't buy his "he thinks it's silly to break up over something that we're both currently still on the same page about on the off chance that I *might* change my mind" bit.

Anyhow, keep us in the loops. Sounds like some progress is being made!

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It sounds like you had a good talk. I'm glad you were open with him, I think communication is key.

As for me - you're right, kids were a major issue with us. I didn't want them, he did. After a while, I did some thinking and said that yes, I wanted kids, and we'd have a family someday. Honestly? I was never totally comfortable with that decision, which was pretty much summed up the day I told my friend about the break-up and said, "Now I don't have to have kids!" I would always see them as something that I *had* to do, not really something I wanted. I do feel very strongly that if I have them, I want to adopt, but it's a HUGE "if". But for him, it was never an "if" - it was a when. Kind of the opposite issue with you and your BF. And I was never 100% comfortable with the decision that I had made, and looking back, I think a lot of it was fear of losing him that made me decide the way that I did. When you're thinking about your fairytale, think about kids, too. I think you're being very fair to yourself realizing you may need it as a possibility, and honestly, I don't think it's unreasonable to break it off if you think you'll never be 100% on the same page on this issue. It's a huge issue, and something that really, truly does end marriages. Better to end things now and spare yourself the resentment and anger later, IMHO. But that's just me.

Anyways, I'm here for you and happy to let you bounce ideas off of me if you need it. Sometimes hearing somebody that's done what you're thinking about can help you clarify what you're thinking - either because you strongly agree with it, or strongly disagree with it.

*hug*